We open with Ally in her car, so we know she must be horny. She's singing along to Vonda while wearing '70s shades when she sees a guy in the car to her. They exchange glances. Ally slowly lifts her pink-gloved hand to lower her sunglasses and stick them in her mouth, celebrating her mouth's ten millionth oral gratification. She looks up to give a goo-eye, but (scratch of Vonda's music) the car is gone and in its place is (guffaw!) an old man giving Ally the goo-eye. The goo-eye in this case involves his removing his lower dental plate and jutting it in her direction. Ally is offended, of course. The song starts up again as she sees the car has moved in front of her. He drives off, prompting Ally to say, "Figures. If I get lucky enough to find a decent guy, he flees the scene." I can smell her desperation from here. Ally is, as we all know, a psychopath, so she immediately begins following him. She's upset that he won't check her out again in his rearview mirror, and she orders him, at the red light, to check her out again. He doesn't look back because he's got his own life and stuff, so Ally decides that "life is short and it's Valentine's Day" and immediately rear-ends him. He looks back at her and she coos, "Oopsie-daisy." She pouts with her hair in her face so that we don't scream, "You psycho bitch!" We don't get a chance to anyway, because Vonda interrupts with her wailing. We have all been down this road, Vonda, and I for one am tired of watching Ally slut it.
Ally is apologizing to the car guy and says that she panicked and accidentally hit the accelerator instead of the brake. It's much more rambly and finger-flippy than that, but I'm sure you get the idea. There's a bad joke about exchanging "fluids" and leaning on her "horny," but again, see above. He asks if she hit him on purpose, but it's hard to listen to him because his hair keeps falling in his eyes. Ally stammers and stutters like the good liar that she is and says of course not. She even makes a raspberry noise. Then she cocks her head and brings her pink glove up and closes her eyes and goes, "Head trauma." I would have believed her more if she had just taken one sip off a wine cooler and said, "Oh, my God, y'all! I'm so drunk!" Eyehair gets back in his car and drives away. Ally continues sucking her glove because she thinks this makes her look coy and cute and lovable.
Ling walks down the street as Richard follows. She comes to a street corner. She is about to pass, but she sees Ally's pink glove lit up in a box, which she interprets as a "Don't Walk." Ling puts on some glasses and presses a wand. She canes her way across the street as if she's blind. Cars swerve and stop, but never hit her. Richard follows her (almost getting hit by the same cars). He gives one of them the stern finger, which I love. He reaches Ling and pulls her arm to stop her. He says that there are real blind people out there. "It's not like any of them saw me," Ling sneers. Richard cannot argue with her logic, so he asks her where she's going. She says it's none of his business. He says that she sneaks out of the office every Wednesday and that he'd like to know what she's up to. She tells him she goes dancing. Richard asks if there's someone else. She says it's not what he's thinking. He asks if it's a woman. Ling says no. Then he says something like, "Buddha?" and she shouts, "No!" She takes him with her.
Ally is reading lines from Ally McSqueal and asks Eyehair, "Is your neck sore?" He says he's fine. She asks what line of work he's in. He's giving her suspicious hair-eye. She says she hopes he's not going to miss work if he's a "provider" or a family man. "Are you married?" "You did hit me on purpose, didn't you?" he asks. Ally looks down as if this is absolutely irresistible and says, "Welllll..." He asks if she thought she could get a date out of it. "Wellllll..." He asks why he'd want to go out with a person who rams her car into him. "I'm beginning to wish you were a pedestrian," Ally says. Me too -- then Ally would be in jail and we wouldn't have to deal with her bizarre behavior anymore. She eyerolls and asks for his insurance claim so that she can pay the deductible. Oh, all of her great plans go awry, don't they? He says that maybe he should call the police, since she might just ram her car into somebody else. (Oh please, oh please, oh please, oh please!) Ally storms up to him and gives him the "Hey! Buddy!" So we know she's about to spout some lovely feminist rant that would make the girls at Bust proud. "I thought you were cute, okay?" You. Go. Girl. "You look like a cute guy minus a criminal record." That's all we want, isn't it? "I'm almost thirty." Whatever. "I'm single." Surprise, surprise. "I don't meet many prospects and when I do I will damn well run them down. And I'll have you know that there are guys in this town who would give anything to have me drive over them and then have me back up and drive over them again. Because as rare as cute, eligible, decent guys are here in Boston? Good girls are almost extinct." At this point goodgirls-boston.com calls me and says that they think Ally is a ho. But she's not done. "One dinner and I'd have you wrapped around my little finger; that's what you're afraid of." Eyehair thinks this is too much. He scoffs that he'd be wrapped around her finger. "You're halfway there already," Ally moans. "You're crazy," he says. She says, "Here's a tip. The best women are." Then something happens to Ally's face, and her eye twitches and her lip curls like Billy Idol. It was like that scene in Election where they freeze on Reese Whiterspoon's face? But it wasn't a camera trick. I'm terrified. Ally walks off, and Eyehair watches after her. The oboe lulls him into thinking that fiery, flat-haired freak is just so darn lovable.
Ling and Richard walk into the dance hall, and it is filled with elderly people dancing. The men see Ling and desert their partners and run over to her. She tells them they will all get their dance if they wait their turn. "Marty!" she shouts to one of them. "My little Valentine," he says back to her. She introduces Marty to Richard as her best friend. She says that Richard is someone with whom she works. Ouch. Marty tells Ling that his "batteries are running a little low tonight" and that he's going to bed. Ling is pouty until Marty says that they'll have the dance first. He says that they've been dancing together for eight years. Ling pulls him away for a dance. Ling is the only person they dress normally on this show. Ling asks why Marty is going to bed so early. "First, we dance," Mary says, and slowly spins her around. They dance. Dancing. Dancey-dance-dance. Richard is fingering all sorts of wattles. Then he fingers a biceps wattle. They all giggle, and so do I. I guess I can see what Gwen sees in him after all. More dancing. Ling asks what the matter is. Marty tells her that he's being kicked out of the home: "Lucy Taylor. She says my stories are agitating all the other residents." He has two weeks to leave.
Cut to Ling asking Lucy Taylor how she could evict someone from a nursing home. Lucy says that the residents never get any sleep. "The residents love him here," Ling says. Lucy brings a patient named "Walter" over and asks him why he's carrying a baseball bat. He says it's to defend himself from the pygmies. He says that Marty told him about them. Many glances are exchanged, and lots of sighs are sighed.
"Pygmies are a peaceful people," John says as he gets up from behind his desk. Ling is explaining the situation to John and Richard. John continues to spout pygmy facts. Richard says that the contract states that people can be ejected at manager's discretion. John says that he thinks maybe he himself was a pygmy in a former life. Ling says that the judge has already called a meeting and that she wants John to go with her because it's a "funny little case." Richard asks whether Marty believes in these things. Ling says she doesn't think so, but that she can't be sure. John asks what her relationship is to Marty. "Look, I like old people, sue me," Ling says. But she wants to sue the nursing home first. She said it, not me. "Pygmies are a peaceful people," John says again, to Richard, as they walk off. "It's the Aborigines who were vicious."
Ally and Elaine walk through the office without saying anything so that we can scream over their terrible peasant blouses. Eyehair walks in. Ally tries to be sexy and asks if he's come to make a citizen's arrest. He says he came for an apology. She has to put her finger in her mouth. He asks her to dinner. Elaine says she'd like to go. Ally tells her to leave. She agrees to dinner. Glance, glance, glance, smile. All this glancing is making for hardly any dialogue.
The trial has begun. Lucy is telling the judge that Marty has convinced the other residents that cannibals and creatures roam the halls of the home at night. The other residents are all in the audience, watching and smiling. They got Cheswick from One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, because he only plays people in homes. Lucy tells some of Marty's stories. Everyone is giggling. Marty is mouthing the story as she tells it. Lucy says that Marty had organized Wheelchair Races. "You don't even want to picture the nude Olympics," she adds. More giggles from everyone. Ling says that Marty organizes dances, sing-alongs, and other functions. She says that everyone is fond of him. Ling says that often people throw out people they're fond of. "That isn't fair, Ling," Lucy says, "You don't know what goes on." Ling asks the court to strike what she knows because she doesn't know anything. I love Ling. Lucy says she thinks that Marty needs some counseling for bouts of delusion. Ling asks whether Marty is a danger to anybody. Lucy says that some of the residents suffer from delusion, and that his stories pose a threat to those susceptible people. "He is making it impossible for me to run this home." The oboe plays while we glance, glance, glance at each other.
Ally finds out that Eyehair is an oncologist. He does research. Ally wonders how the cute cancer-fighting boy doesn't have a girlfriend. He says he doesn't get out much. He says that dating isn't really for him. Ally sluts that it isn't more dangerous than driving a car. This makes Eyehair laugh. He's got a weird laugh. It's a series of snorts and fits and giggles. It goes on for quite some time while Ally is mortified. She says that they should order. He asks whether she's ever hit someone with her car before. She says it was her first, and that no man has ever rear-ended her before either. Well, I remember the clip, and I'm pretty sure she was getting rear-ended in the car wash. Eyehair begins his obnoxious laugh again, and Ally tries to stuff his face with a napkin when people begin to stare. She then hides behind her menu. I try to hide too, but this show won't go away.
Elaine asks Ally how bad a laugh could be. Ally says it sounds like a cow giving birth. She says she spent the rest of the night talking about AIDS or the Holocaust (which she pronounces "Ho-Low-Cost") or Linda Tripp. She just didn't want him to laugh again. Elaine asks when Ally's going to see him again. Ally says never. A huge bouquet of flowers walks through the elevator. "Ally McBeal?" the delivery boy asks. "Oh, God, NO!" Ally whines. Three thousand dollars worth of vehicle damage and she's pissed because she just got sent a $500 bouquet. Grow up!
Cage has one of the residents on the stand. He asks why she carries a laser gun. She says it's to shoot pygmies. He asks if the home is really plagued by pygmies. She asks if he's ever been in a nursing home, and explains that it's usually pretty boring -- just a bunch of people sitting around waiting to die. But she likes her place because it's fun and exciting and there are creatures and dragons and such. They dance, sing and play games, all because of Marty. I keep waiting for them to call up Scatman Crothers and go play "Kick the Can."
Ling, Richard and John tell Marty that they want to put him on the stand, but that it's important he doesn't come of as "crackers," as Richard put it. John says that Marty has to come off as "controllable." Ling asks him to act like a "reasonable person" for a day. He says that's dreadful. Marty says that he doesn't like wasting one day of his life. John says that Marty's days in the home are going to be numbered if he doesn't co-operate. The glances go in time to the oboe. Glance, glance, glaaaance, glaaaaaaaaance!
Unisex. Nelle walks out of the potty and tells Ally that she liked Eyehair otherwise. Ally agrees: "Maybe it was the restaurant. It was an extremely quiet place." Ally asks Nelle if she thinks she should go out with him one more time. "He's here," Elaine pops in to say. Ally tells Elaine to show him in. She figures the acoustics of the bathroom would be perfect to test out whether the laugh was really horrible. This is said with much stuttering and hand flapping, so you can thank me later for cutting it down for you. Elaine brings Eyehair in. Ally asks Nelle if she knows any jokes. "No," Nelle says. "Figures," Ally says. Eyehair walks in. They explain the Unisex with the same line as last week about "going together when [they] go." The three ladies stand in a row and stare at Eyehair. They can't get him to laugh, only giggle slightly. Nelle tells a bad joke. Eyehair gives a polite giggle. Ally tells this story about a client of hers who asked the judge if he could call him a son of a bitch. The judge said he'd hold him in contempt and add time to the sentence. The client asked if he could just think the judge was a son of a bitch. The judge said he couldn't do anything about that because he can't regulate someone's thoughts. The client then said, "Well, in that case, Judge, I think you're a son of a bitch." The girls giggle. Eyehair chuckles. "Now you can see why she has to run a guy over to get a date," Elaine deadpans. This kicks off Obnoxious Laugh. Big huge horrified looks from Nelle, Elaine and Ally. Scary music plays.
Marty tells Ling that he won't let the nursing home rob him of his imagination. Ling asks Marty whether the creatures really exist. Marty looks around the room at all of the residents and says that he realizes he has to say that he knows that in order to not get evicted. Ling asks for a few moments alone with Marty. The judge says she can't have them, and asks Marty whether the creatures are real. Marty glances, glances, glances. People stare at Marty. Glances. "Yes, Your Honor," he says, "they are very real indeed." The residents applaud until the judge calls for order. Marty goes on about how to hunt dragons. Ling asks him if he wants to be evicted. He says that he just can't lie. Oh, dear Lord. Just then, in a moment of computer graphics not seen since the breathtaking special effects of Cat's Eye, Gremlins, and Ghoulies, little creatures come running in the room towards Marty. Ling asks what's wrong and the judge asks what Marty's looking at. The pygmies run towards Marty and he jumps up and screams. There is a moment of quiet while everyone glances at everyone else. The pygmies attack again (I can't believe I just wrote that sentence) and Marty hides behind the judge. The judge is yelling at him. Suddenly it's quiet. Marty says that he thought he heard them about to come in and that perhaps he's nervous. He apologizes, and people are forced to glance around while the oboe plays.
In the side room, Ling is asking Marty why he pulled a stunt like that. He says that everyone was looking at him and he couldn't let them down; they need to believe in the pygmies. Ling says that everyone is going along with the game because it's fun. Marty says that his fellow residents need him to believe. John says that either he gets evicted, or they can't have that world again. Ling figures out that Marty isn't pretending, and that he's actually seeing the creatures. Don't let this guy near Ally. Glance from Richard. Glance from John. Glance from Marty. Glance from Ling. The oboe glances my way as we fade to commercial.
Ling, Richard and John ask the judge to come to the retirement home to see how Marty is with the residents. The judge reluctantly agrees to one half-hour.
Ally meets Eyehair in her office and tells him that she doesn't want to see him anymore. Cue the Obnoxious Laugh. He says she almost got him. "He thinks I'm joking," she says to no one. "Dennis! I'm dying!" she shouts at him. "What?" he asks. "I'm not actually dying, I just wanted you to stop laughing," she says, and adds that she's serious. Eyehair asks why she doesn't want to see him anymore. She tries to avoid the answer but he keeps asking her. "Okay. I think you have a really horrible, obnoxious, disgusting laugh," she finally admits. Way to let a brother down easy, Al. She says that it's not a big deal because he works in cancer: "Who needs to laugh?" He says he always thought he had a very infectious laugh. "Well, it gets in there, if that's what you mean," she agrees. She says that if she were his friend, she "would tell [him] to never laugh again for the rest of [his] life." Eyehair points out that she was desperate enough to run into him with her car but not desperate enough to put up with him. He laughs. She says that nothing is funny. He says goodbye and walks out laughing, so that Ally can get a good glance in.
Marty plays a song on the piano about how they were once young and in love. Everyone watches Marty sing. Lucy says that she doesn't deny his popularity or that he's a good guy, it's just that he makes things difficult and she has a responsibility to the other patients. Everyone is lulled by his music. The judge walks out with the others and says that even if he could try and keep Marty in the home, ultimately it's up to Lucy, and what she thinks is best is best. Lucy tells Ling that she loves Marty as much as Ling does. The lights then go out. Lucy says that it's time for them to hunt pygmies. The residents walk out with flashlights. Ling pulls Marty over and says that things are getting too complicated and that she wants him to live with her. They say he can visit all the time, but for right now she wants him to take care of her because there are dragons all over her neighborhood. Marty asks who is going to take care of the residents now. Cue the glance cam. Glancing. Glancing. Oboe.
Richard asks Ling if she's sure she'll be okay. They all walk down the street. Marty asks whether they can appeal. John says it would be difficult. Marty says that he should start his own home. He then sees some pygmies. They chase him into the street. They actually do the slow motion, "NOOOO!" on Ling as we hear tires screeching. She does it again as they run over to him. Marty is out on the street. Richard tries to pull her away from Marty's limp body. Ling is sad and calling Marty's name. Richard holds her, but Ling keeps saying his name.
At the hospital, the doctors tell Ling that things look pretty grim. Marty has suffered brain trauma, and cannot recover. Ling wants another neurologist. She tells the neurologist that he can't just give up. Ling screams another "No," and runs off. Richard follows her.
Eyehair brings a summons in to Ally. He's now wearing a neck brace. He's brought his brother, who is a laywer. Billy walks over to hear the story. Ally says that Eyehair walked away from that accident. Eyehair says that necks are funny, and that now it hurts to laugh. Elaine fills Billy in on what happened. Nelle walks over and says that she knew he said he was fine. Nelle says they should walk into a room and "make this go away." Ally yelps that she isn't going to give Eyehair any money. They walk into the room.
John tells Ling that four different neurologists have looked at Marty and that they all agree: He's not coming back. The only thing keeping him alive is the respirator. Other residents are in the waiting room. John says that Ling was the trustee of Marty's will, so she needs to make a decision. She says that she's not going to pull the plug. She says that a year from now they might know how to fix what's wrong with him. One of the residents pulls Ling aside and tells her that Marty wouldn't want to live this way. Marty was a man who liked to fight dragons. "He could stare down a Cyclops." She says that he should go with dignity and be with God. "He loved you so much, and I know you loved him. He needs you to help him now." Glance. Glance. Glance.
Ally is amazed at how much money Eyehair is demanding. Brother Lawyer says that they have an admission of guilt. Ally says that Eyehair wasn't hurt. "I have a bulging disk," he says. "Well, it wasn't your disk that was bulging yesterday," she says. She announces that she wants to sue him back. "I think you wanted me to hit your car," she says, completely crashing her car into logic and reason. "Yeah, I drove in front of you so you could hit me," Eyehair says, and the Brothers Grin begin the dueling obnoxious laughs. Everyone stares at the laughers until Ally yells that she'll just pay them. "Pay them!" They keep laughing while everyone is disgusted.
Ling walks into Marty's room with Richard and John. She asks to have some time with him. She sits to him and says her good-byes with a prayer and a song. She says she hopes she's doing the right thing. "You wouldn't want to live like this." She says she'll watch over the others at the home if he watches over her. "Tell God to be good." She stands up and kisses his head. "I love you forever," she says. The Plug Nurse walks in and turns off the switches. It's a pretty quiet ending. Everyone stares at nothing for a long time. Ling cries. The residents walk the hallways as we hear Vonda ruin Marty's song for the last time.
I can't joke about the elderly hallucinating and getting killed by cars. What kind of a person do you think I am? But I find it odd that they put the Ally-hit-someone-with-her-car subplot in. Oh, here's something. Instead of just ending the episode, we have the "Ling and Marty dance" montage, which is only a few seconds, since that's the only time we saw them dance. Ling does the Ally walk down the street, crossing it right where he died. Fade to black.