Previously, on Ally McBeal, there were lots of scenes involving touching and saliva. It's good that they reminded us about all the sex stuff, because otherwise I'd have been totally lost this episode. They also remind us that Georgia has been nothing but a sad doormat so far this season.
It's night and someone is sprinkling soap flakes or dish water in front of the camera lens. There's a girl looking out the law-firm window. I already know it's "Young Ally." Please don't start with me, people. I'm begging you. Vonda sings about rainbow alleys as Young Ally morphs into Skag Ally. Billy walks in and says, "Working late, huh?" with this huge smile on his face like he's caught her ice-cubing her blouse or something. Ally didn't bring an umbrella so she was, you know, "waiting for it" -- er, uh, waiting for the rain to stop. The Freudian slips are getting way stale. They need to give it up. Ally's hair has been straightened and it doesn't look attractive in the slightest but at least it's better than the usual tangled nest. Billy's smirking and jabbering about Ally's continual search for "him." Oh, but now she's waiting for "it" instead. What, is the car wash about to open? Ally tells Billy he's become ridiculous with the bleach and the Billy Girls, causing him to finally stop smiling like a Barbie with toddler-styled hair. She asks if he's angry with Georgia. They talk and talk about the same old same. I really do think the two of them should get married and then strand themselves on a desert island. Maybe they could work a three-way with John. Those are the only people in the Ally McBealsphere who enjoy philosophizing about their own boring lives twenty-four-seven. For the sake of giving myself more rank-fodder later in this recap, I'll tell you something Billy says. He says that their co-workers have lives to go home to each night. He and Ally are the only ones who don't. Then he tells her that she's addicted to the elevator's ding because she's hoping that what comes out of it will be her life. Haw! It's too bad that the best, bitchiest lines on this program are always thrown out unprovoked and are thereby spoiled. Ally denies it. The elevator dings and of COURSE she gives herself whiplash looking to see who's there. It's some guy who's supposed to be what passes for good-looking for the men on this show. This guy is saying he knew someone was in the office and he had to go up and see. Ally's trying to give him the old meet-me-in-the-car-wash stare, but I think he's too distracted by the close-up of the bones in her nose to notice. She tells him her full name and asks for his. He says it's "Pross." Ally goes, "Pross! Pross what?" in her best "I will suck the chrome off your trailer-hitch" manner. He says "Process Server." D'oh! He has a summons for the firm because Georgia is suing Fish and Cage and Associates for the break-up of her marriage. I start to repress a cackle, but then I just go with the flow.
Don Knotts is working for Target. His juxtaposition with Britney Spears saddens and repulses me.
It's morning, people are boating, and Richard is upset that Georgia's suing the firm. The lawyers and Elaine are in the conference room fretting over Georgia's suit. John is pouting and wearing too much eyeliner. Richard asks whether the firm kissed Farrah Fawcett, Cloroxed its head, or pledged allegiance to "shmuckhood." Billy says this big sentence about Georgia behaving like a typical angry, weak, frustrated, embittered, man-hating woman. We see each of his female co-workers make little moués of mild disagreement or amusement. John reads Georgia's cause of action, which says that the firm was a sexual arena that interfered with marital relations. Nelle tsks and Ling says, "That's even too bogus for me!" Okay, what am I missing here? Is David E. Kelley being sued? For the third time already this episode, the "New Man In Town" vamp sounds while someone does a fist-into-palm punch. Y'all please give it a rest. Please. Everyone gets into the elevator. That is, Elaine tries, but Richard pushes her back into the office, his hand on her exposed chest. He makes an unwitticism about having money and always being sued.
All the lawyers troop down the hall into court. ["I really think that if an entire law firm were being sued, it would hire another firm to represent it." -- Wing Chun] Ally asks Richard whether he thinks it's a good idea to walk in with an army. He says it does. They stop when they see Georgia with "Tiny Tim." Billy stomps up and asks Georgia in his pissed-off voice what she's doing. Tiny Time jumps in for her and tells Billy to address his questions to him, Tim. Even though Georgia has had her blonde hair shorn, she is not the New Woman in Town because she only stands there with her teeth protruding worrisomely, like always. Billy leans in to give a message to his wife via Tim: "You're an embittered, angry, little, man-hating bitch." Georgia stands there like a kewpie doll until Tim says they should just go in. No one from Fish & Cage seems surprised by Billy's rudeness, vehemence, hostility, or general assholocity.
At this point I'd like to stop and talk about my expectations for this episode. I'm sure, from reading our fine bulletin boards here at MBTV, that I'm not the only viewer who was looking forward to watching Georgia exact revenge on Billy. We've watched her watch Billy as he enjoyed Ally's attentions, became a proud misogynist, bossed her around, belittled her, and humiliated her in front of her co-workers. We were led to believe, through the use of time-honored symbols such as the new hair-do and the brightly-colored garment, that Georgia was about to stand up for herself and show Billy where exactly to park his dorkmobile. We've sat through the offensive beginnings of the season. We're ready for the pay-off. So what do we get? We get the message, I guess. DEK lets us know that if we've hooted once on Georgia's behalf this year, it's because we're embittered, angry, little, man-hating bitches. Billy is smirking at us while John, Richard, Ling, Nelle, and Ally watch complacently. Should I start watching The Practice instead, now? Or does DEK make another program designed for the CGI-realized fantasies of embittered, angry, big, jerk-hating bitches like me? Well, there are still more than fifty minutes to go. Let's not be too hasty. Let's give David a chance.
Tim tells Judge Raymond Norway that Fish & Cage is a firm dominated by sex -- interoffice sex. John maintains that Georgia is looking to lash out at the firm because she's unable to sue Billy in this no-fault state. The judge adjourns until two o'clock, which is the Magic Hour Until Which These Things Are Always Adjourned, in case you hadn't noticed. Ally wears a hideous beige and black plaid pantsuit as she says, "If I could only get her alone." Then what, Ally? You'd use your pretend friendship with Georgia to persuade her to drop the suit? And then you'd get a bonus, right? Or is it that Billy would be grateful enough to stay after work and talk about unicorns every single day? She stands really close to Ling and asks her to help distract Tim. "How?" purrs Ling, as they look down towards each other's breasts. Maybe she's hoping to kiss Ally some more this weekend.
Ling trips Tim in the hall, leaving Ally free to jump into the elevator with Georgia. Ally hits the emergency stop button. Man, I hope she gets arrested when they get out. Georgia points out that she's represented by counsel. Ally says, "Yeah, yeah. What are you doing?" Georgia only shakes her head a little, waiting for the brainwashing. Ally starts babbling about Georgia's filing a lawsuit only because she hates her life. Georgia wimpily argues that the firm does have an influence on them all. She says that two years ago everyone there called Ally "Drooly Andrews," whatever that means. Now Ally can't even go to a car wash without jumping somebody, says Gerbil. Ally makes her trademarked "I can't believe you're speaking to me this way when all I've done is irritate and backstab you!" face. CGI steam comes out of her nose, accompanied by a passive-aggressive giggle. Then she comes out with some supposed-to-be-pithy remark about how two years ago Georgia wasn't one to turn on her friends. True. True. She certainly wasn't one to keep her friends from fawning on her husband. But what was the point of bringing that up? Georgia does the gritty smile while pouty Ally re-starts the elevator. Georgia, you are so lame. You had the perfect opportunity to beat the tar out of Ally scot-free, and you WASTED it.
Richard is telling Tim and the judge that all attractive women are sex objects. Then we hear about wattles and knee pits. John objects. His Honor just wants to get through this. Richard reveals that he has a unisex restroom in the office so that "[they] can all go together when [they] go," whatever that means. The soundtrack's cowbell acts like that's amusing.
Back at the office, Billy is disgusted with Richard's performance. Nelle says they need to put John on the stand. John stutters. Richard can't understand what he did wrong. Elaine is turned on.
John sits on the stand and can't understand how a unisex "bathroom" and one lascivious senior partner are responsible for Billy driving away his own wife. "One lascivious senior partner?" hones in Tim, who then OF COURSE asks if John's ever hired a call girl. On the one hand, this case is completely ridiculous. On the other, so are all the others on this show. John glares at Georgia lividly, as if the call girl info was some huge secret that only an evil, man-hating bitch would have spilled. Then Tim asks about John's spanking Nelle with a hairbrush. He refers to Nelle as "that young blonde thing over there." Nelle makes a face like "D'oh!" instead of like "Someone please object to this man's language." John leans forward and squishes his cheeks with his fists in a way that's supposed to be funny, the oboe tells me. It's not, though. It really isn't funny, or watchable.
I did like Pulp Fiction, and I did like The Sixth Sense, but I wish Bruce Willis would retire. Matthew Perry doesn't even need to begin a movie career, much less quit one. That's why the commercial for The Whole Nine Yards doesn't do its job, as far as I'm concerned.
Georgia is being sad in her office. Renee walks in wearing a tight t-shirt and some sort of necklace with a huge feather for a pendant. I think I understand what's going on, here. Renee and Whipper have borrowed Fish & Cage's "alternating casual dress days" policy. Georgia reminds Renee of her promise to "stay out of it." Renee STILL, after all this time, thinks her baby voice is cute as she says, "These people are your friends." Quit it, Renee. Pamie's had a hard week and she doesn't deserve this. Georgia systematically describes the decidedly un-friend-like behavior of each of her former coworkers. I'm glad she's able to keep it in mind. Renee has no response.
The piano tinkles and Vonda rasps about "the way he walks" and "shuffles his feet." The Annoying Ones are sitting at their table hashing over the case. I guess this is the "life" Billy spoke of them hurrying to after each work day. Ling is enjoying the trial. Nelle isn't surprised. Ally "just can't believe she's actually making a case of it." Oh, shut up, Ally. Oh, here's an idea! Replace Ally with Ruthie from 7th Heaven! That way the supposed protagonist still wouldn't be cute, but she'd dress better. Richard asks if John's "doing direct," but John's still making his squished face and refuses to talk. Oh, so what? Nelle tells Billy he needs to try to "come off reasonable" and seem sensitive to Georgia. Billy's ready, shoving food into his face. Just ask him the questions, he says. Here's some new math for you: food in face = wacky pig behavior to follow. Ally has a bad feeling, and it's not just because she looks like a clown.
Billy's on the stand trying to sound sad and sensitive as Nelle questions him in her UGLY suit. Tim cross-examines Billy into showing his true colors. Billy testifies about men bowing to women's nitpicking and brainwashing. He says Georgia made him feel "less than," so he fulfilled the prophecy by becoming even more of a jerk. He says women as a gender are vindictive and blah blah blah. In the middle of this Richard objects, telling the judge that Billy's ruining their case. Billy makes a crack about Tim's height. Tim asks if he's done or if he wishes to "call a friend." I don't know what that means, either. I guess I'm not very clever. ["Is it a Who Wants to be a Millionaire reference? Not that that would make it funny...I'm just guessing." -- Wing Chun] Billy is busted, Georgia is whatever she is when she makes the same face she's always making, and Ally is finger-sucking sad.
Billy slumps in his office or somewhere. Ally walks in to bicker tenderly and flirt. Oh, no. Oh, no. Billy asks her if they're over the rainbow. NO. PLEASE. SHUT UP. Remember when Billy and Ally were kids and they used to sing that song "Over the Rainbow"? Young Ally is suddenly there, telling him to grow up. Young Billy says they are grown up. Man. Why did they have to sing that song and talk about unicorns all the time instead of playing video games like normal kids? Billy moans about his unfulfilled dreams and dim future. He's an attorney with a failed marriage and a bleached head. Ally tells him that he can change those things. They change to kids again. No one cares. I hate both these characters and I don't want to hear their excuses anymore.
In another office Richard is trying to get John to break his silence. Nelle walks in to suggest settling with Georgia for ten thousand dollars. She says, "And then we'll give her Canadian dollars! She'll be so busted!" Just kidding. John regains the will to speak. He wants to put Georgia on the stand. He wants to get her. She disparaged him. He wants to get her. Spooky music. Oh, shut up, John. You disparage yourself with your own goofiness. You've been hoist on your own goof. Stay silent.
You think I'm kidding, but I promise you that I will NOT watch Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire. I will not suffer that sort of trash. Instead, I'll read Regency romances and then get online the day and ask my e-friends who won.
I'm starting to wish there was a silly subplot in this ep. Nelle and Ally walk down the stairs, discussing John's apparent anger over the case. Nelle opens John's door and is surprised to see that he has covered his floor and desk with water-filled glasses. Whatever. She tells them they're ready to go and he follows her out.
The marriage-wreckers stomp to court to the tune of the music that usually plays for Billy and the Hired Women. They're all in black. So what. Georgia sits on the stand and tells us more about how Fish & Cage is "Club Med with ties." John pours water into a glass, as if that's such an unnerving distraction that would play havoc on anyone's nerves. He stands to cross-examine and we hear a bunch of dumb western-movie-type bells. He starts firing questions at Georgia and doesn't let her answer them with more than one-word declaratives. He asks whether she ever asked Billy to quit his job. He asks about the sculpting class with the nude male model with the large penis. I ask what that has to do with the firm or the case. He asks her about her sex acts with Billy in the office, and about Georgia's kissing Ally's father. Nelle smiles as if John's doing such a fabulous job of litigating. I actually like Nelle's dress. It looks like something Christian Dior would have designed for one of those black-and-white soirees that were so trendy way back when. I didn't say it was appropriate -- just that I liked it. John puts a tag on Ally's jacket, marking her as Exhibit A. Ally acts like she doesn't enjoy the attention. John lays blame on Georgia for not putting a stop to Billy's working with the "true love of his life." Whatever. Georgia becomes flustered and loud. John makes her say that she's angry. He ascertains that she never sought marital therapy. Georgia becomes zombie-ish and misty-eyed. She's wearing the same jacket she wore the day, but this time with one of those silly floating-diamond necklaces. John starts barking at her and sticking his finger in her face. Billy jumps up and tells John that's enough. John makes a super-scary face like the Crypt Keeper or something. Then he asks the court to note that he had a big finish planned.
The Fish-Cagers leave, arguing about everything. They're still arguing when they get to the office, causing Elaine to pop some wood. Richard stomps off to his own office and slams the door. He stands at his window and looks verklempt. John stomps in and asks whether Richard was displeased with his performance. What? I thought John was Nelle's lover. Richard says no, that John was "a little piranha." John asks what the matter is. They have a long, sappy conversation about the sad state to which the firm has come. John was mean to Georgia. They're fighting a war they can't win. Then...oh, man. Richard turns into Young Richard. He wants to know what happened, why working at his little firm isn't fun anymore. Ugh. Greg Germann, can you please be on a show that I can palate?
When the rose petal turns to the Carefree ultra-thin feminine hygiene product, I have to smile. Nice camp, y'all.
Richard's saying the firm needs to be more formal. John's disagreeing. Richard says that none of the lawyers are really friends anyway. He wants to "run this place like a damned law firm" so that no one else gets hurt and they don't bust up any lousy marriages. John stalks off. I guess he doesn't want to give up having domestics with Nelle on company time.
Billy's telling Ally that Georgia won't answer her phone. He guesses that "after John's ambush --" John walks by and says, "Oh, bite me." Ally says "All right." The guys leave and Elaine walks up. She asks if she can accompany the others to court because it sounds so vicious and she doesn't want to miss out. Ally sarcastically tells her she may.
Tim's closing argument compares this suit to sexual harassment suits. He points out that none of the Fish-Cagers are in relationships, unless you count John and Nelle's, which involves "some form of corporal punishment." He says that their firm has the "integrity of a strip club." No one's romantic union could survive there. Blah blah. Here comes John, and I can just tell that he's going to say something about his childhood. Yep. When he was six or seven, he watched his father dress for a co-worker's funeral. His father didn't know the deceased well, even though they'd worked together for seventeen years. Oh, but John knows all about his co-workers. (Quick note -- I don't care. I'm just saying so, in case y'all were wondering.) He points to each of his constant companions and divulges things about them. He says that he loves Nelle and Ally. Richard and Ally are his best friends. Imagine...he gets to go to work every day with people...."I'm tickled," says His Honor. "Is there a point?" Heh. John's (sigh) point is that Richard Fish shouldn't apologize for the place he's created. Yes, they've all kissed and sucked on each other. They're kids. The partners are in their thirties, the associates in their twenties. Huh? Psych! I'm so sure, John. Retch -- we see the courtroom full of child actors hired to portray the Fish Cage Kids. Young Elaine has really big hair. John goes on and on about the impending divorce hurting everyone. He claims that he and the others "continue to adore" Georgia. Whatever. Lay off the rampant bullshit, John. He says they all know the firm's not to blame for what happened between her and Jerkwad.
The Fish Cage Crew waits in the hall. Elaine has her arm draped over Billy. Georgia walks up in not only the same jacket as before, but the same whole suit. "I know...this will sound stupid..." she says, "but when I left...not even a cake. Two years I worked with you, by you, going to the bar at night. When I left, you just padlocked my office so I couldn't take files. All that time I was just his wife." She indicates Billy. "Nuh-thuh, that isn't true, Georgia!" says Ally McAnnoying. "Is that what this is about?" Georgia responds, "None of you even call to say hi." Testify, girlfriend. Tim walks up and tells her the judge is back.
Judge Norway says that assessing blame in marriage is a path down which the court is loath to go. He doesn't think the firm made it easier for Billy and Georgia to stay married, but this is a no-fault state, so he dismisses the suit without prejudice. Then he says -- oh, lord -- that if he's in the neighborhood and he has the urge to pee, he'll stop into Fish & Cage to use their Unisex. What the? Whatever! Mistrial! Everyone but John smiles. Ally stops Georgia and tells her in front of anyone, "Hey. You really were suing the firm. Well, Georgia, you left so suddenly. And don't you think that we feel the void, now that you're gone?" Georgia waits a beat, then says no. That's right, Ally. She doesn't think you did. She doesn't think you gave a rat's butt, and she's right. So step off my girl Georgia. Just get out and slurp up her sloppy seconds. "Well, then, we need to work on that," says Ally, who apparently can't get the message through her thick head. Billy jumps in with, "We can start with we're all going to dinner [sic]. Come with us." Georgia just snorts as if to say, "Give it up, losers." John tells her, "Please," nodding like Mr. Ed. Georgia shakes her head and says "That's okay" dismissingly. You go, Georgia! Stay graceful under the peer pressure! Keep your cool and dis the dogs. Ally breaks out the come-hither zombie eyes and says, "Georgia, you don't have to fight a lawsuit to spend time with us." WHATEVER! Shut the frick up, Ally! You are so vain and dysfunctional! AS IF Georgia would socialize with you people now! Georgia laughs. "Come to dinner," intones cult-leader Ally. So guess what Georgia says . Heh. She totally, completely BUSTS Ally by saying -- check this out -- she says, "Okay."
What the? The hell? She said OKAY? What the HELL? Damn, this show sucks. The Branch-Fish-Cagians haul her away -- all but John and Richard. Richard mists up a bit as he tells John that his closing argument...ran a little long. Ha, ha. Then he says they do have something special, and John says "indeed." Yeah, indeed. You do indeed have a law firm full of rude, hateful people who can't seem to make friends with anyone outside its walls. That is special, if special were now to "pathetic" in the thesaurus. If I'm ever in the neighborhood and find myself with the urge to pee, I'll chance uremic poisoning as I hurry home.
It's night, so we have to hear Vonda sing. She's singing "Over the Rainbow." Sheesh. The lawyers are McBealing down the sidewalk in a big gang, with Georgia at the fringe because no one really cares about her, after all. Then of course they have to morph into kids for the jillionth time. I would pause the tape and tell you what they look like or what they're wearing, but I can't because I'm too angry, embittered, and bitchy to care. I will say that Ally has mittens, though. I feel sorry for the girl who had to play her.
week on Ally McBeal: Richard feels up a bunch of elderly women and Ally wrecks a guy's car in order to hit on him. Ling reveals her secret love or something, shocking Elaine, Nelle, and Ally in the process, so I guess we can expect more fake lesbianism for sweeps. Calgon, take David E. Kelley away! Please!