We open with Ally sitting at her desk, hearing Vonda ruin The Who's Tommy. She looks up to see who's singing on her ceiling, but she doesn't see anyone, despite Vonda's cry to be seen, heard and touched. Lots of looks to the left and right until she walks out of her office wearing enormous blue oven mitts. She runs into John at the elevator. They discuss working late. John mentions he's been backed up lately. "Remnants?" Ally asks, as if she's been there. John clarifies that he's got a lot of work backed up. Vonda sings again, and Ally asks John to repeat himself. He says he didn't say anything. He asks her what's wrong. She stammers that nothing is wrong. John begins talking about working late and inevitably turning into his father. He assumes that he's talking to his friend who listens to him, but Ally is hallucinating another song and fantasizing about John. He interrupts her fantasy to ask how come they've never gotten together. "How is it you and I can stand right in front of each other's noses every day and not see what's right in front of each other's noses?" Ally's song continues as the elevator arrives. They drop their suitcases and start kissing. Quick clips of John and Ally falling into the elevator in ecstasy. Ally jumps out of bed, sprung from her sex dream. She pants for a few seconds and then rolls over. Renee is in the bed. Ally makes some noises and wiggles the bed to wake up Renee. Renee asks what Ally is doing in her bed. Ally explains that she had an "epiphany" about John. This also causes her to whisper as if they aren't supposed to be making any noise upstairs or Dad is going to ground them. She tells Renee that she realizes the John is "the one." Renee hides under the covers and makes a nose whistle sound. Cue Vonda singing something more in her repertoire.
Yikes. Stephen Baldwin is doing M&M commercials, and letting candy tell him he's a sucky actor. That's when you've hit bottom.
Ally walks into her office wearing her giant fuzzy oven mitts and her big coat. She bumps into Elaine who is wearing a tiny strappy top with no bra. What season is it? Elaine tells Ally that John was looking for her. This causes Ally to stammer about wondering what he could have wanted or what he was wearing. Richard walks up to Ally and tells her he might need her to second chair for him on a new case. Cue the Palmer music. Billy walks in with his pussy...I'm sorry, posse of girlies. "Is he still doing that?" Ally says in unison with everyone watching the episode. "I like it," Elaine purrs. Richard tells the girls to "stay" and they decompress and lower to the ground. Ally comments incredulously that the girls "heel and they stay." Richard asks what else they do but everyone tells him to shut up. Billy has a big case with "Bell Computers." Ally asks if the guy from "Bell" is "another Neanderthal who responds to bimbos." Richard tries to get the fembots to see him. The lights are on but they're not home. Billy tells Ally that this is "a look." He tells her that he's going to anything it takes to win this client. "Because," Ally sneers, and then punches her oven mitts together and lip-syncs to my most hated of the Current Ally McBeal Season Songs: "There's a new man in town." She lip-syncs it all "saucy." Billy gives her the finger gun and says, "Exactly." He walks off. Ally spins around and approaches John. "You want me?" she asks. John says he was looking for something, but he found it. Ally stands too close and acts too interested in his life. She asks how he's doing. He asks if she's dying. She asks if that's what people think if she takes an interest in other people's lives. John says yes. Ally says she was just asking about her "buddy." John asks if she's sick. Ally says to forget it, and she walks off.
Ally walks into her office and finds Elaine. Elaine asks Ally what's wrong. I assume it's that she's about to faint from her small frame being bundled up in that coat and mitten get-up inside the law office that's warm enough to keep Elaine from high-beaming. Ally says that she's fine. Elaine then wiggles her hips out of her skirt and stands in her underwear. Ally asks what Elaine is doing. Elaine obviously shaves "down there" as she thrusts her red-pantied crotch at us a few times. I hear a loud "Tsk!" from outside my window. It's my mother. She's two hundred miles away. I heard the same noise when she went to see American Beauty. She calls me up and tells me I'm not allowed to watch this "smut" anymore. I tell her that she should call David E. Kelley. She asks if that's a friend of mine from college. "Not really," I tell her. She tells me she'll look him up on "that Internet" and give him a call. Elaine begins putting on some pants as she explains that she's got a potential date. It's a friend of a friend, and he's already in the building. She explains that her pants are marinated in pheromones. They both take turns saying "marinated in pheromones" a few times because David E. Kelley is pretty proud of his turn of a phrase. Elaine tells the sniffing Ally that she can't smell it, but that it works. She then half-turns with her hands on her ass and asks how she looks. She rubs the curve of her butt to draw out Ally's "fine." Elaine tells Ally that the right man doesn't just fall into your lap; you've got to get him. It is at this point that I notice Ally's shirt. I didn't even notice her change, I guess because I was watching Elaine go through various stages of nudity. Ally is wearing a blue shirt with white...paramecia. I think that's what they are. Blue amoebae fight for attention near the drawstring collar. Ally puts her fingers in her mouth and asks Elaine if she's ever met anyone she thought was right for Ally. "No," Elaine replies. "Nobody?" Elaine tells Ally that it's not that she's not a good person, but that she's so "complicated." Complicated like Andy Dick. She says the only person she could think of would be John Cage, but that Ally wouldn't want to be with him. "I don't?" Ally asks with her "innocent" face. "Why?" "Do you?" "No." Elaine smiles. "NO!" Ally insists. She brings up the fact that John is with Nelle. She asks why Elaine would suggest John anyway. Elaine says that it's pretty obvious, what with them both having "that inner world thing going." She circles her finger near her head on this phrase, a signal that I refer to as "crazy as a loon." "You get him a lot better than Nelle does, and if you ask me he gets you a lot more than Billy ever did." Ally imagines a series of photographs from her wedding to John. John is wearing too much lipstick and eyeliner in the photo, but at least he doesn't shmoosh the cake on Ally's face. I always take that as a sign of a bad marriage. Ally puts her fingers near her mouth a few times and then excuses herself so she can walk out of her office and into John's chest. She puts on her sixth-grade smile and asks how he's doing. He says he's still fine and has been since she asked him two minutes ago. She says that's great, just great, really great. Great. Lots of giggling. She says she really likes his good sense of humor. She boxes him on the arm. He asks her what's going on. She says she's just "adjusting to the new millennium." John gives her the "All right, freak, keep your distance" look and walks away.
One of the paramecia wiggles its way towards Ally's head, forcing her to tilt and stare at the ceiling. She immediately puts her fingers back on her mouth as Vonda reminds us that "It's So Easy To Fall In Love." Ally is the only lawyer I know who lives hand to mouth. She looks around for Vonda, but only finds her back-up singers, who are right in front of her wiggling and singing. Ally looks dumbfounded, as if she's never hallucinated anything before and can't believe what's in front of her. She folds her arms around her middle and shakes her head like she's Billy Bibbitt. She walks through the singing girls and they disappear in a puff of smoke. Doug Henning calls up Ally and asks how she accomplished that "illusion." Well, that's what happened on my copy of the episode. I don't know what you saw. Ally storms off with her arms a-flying, threatening anyone who might come in a three-foot radius of her.
Elaine's potential date shows up as Elaine is just "hanging around" in some hallway. They make introductions. His name is Bob. They shake hands and say that they look even better in person. Bob asks if she's ready to go. She says she lied about having lunch. She hates lunch dates, but she'd rather do that than go out with a total stranger. Ally lurks around the corner of the hallway and listens while putting her fingers in her mouth. Elaine says that now that she's met Bob she's ready to just go straight to dinner. She says she'll pick the place and that he's just got to pick her up at eight. He comments that it's "easy enough," and says he'll be there. Ally walks over and says, "That was pretty deft, Elaine," like an insult. Elaine says that you have to make things happen. Ally then begins hearing Barry White singing his sweet song. She asks if Elaine heard it. I guess Ally thinks that this will be the one time that someone finally says, "Yes, Ally! I heard it! We all hear all of your songs and see all of your hallucinations. We always have! This whole 'You're a freak' thing has just been a big goof that we've all been playing on you! I decided it was finally time to let you in on the big secret. Here's that unicorn we hid in your room when you were nine." Elaine says, of course, that she didn't hear anything, so Ally wiggles her head quite a bit and then walks into her office so she can go back to sticking her hand on her face. John walks in, which causes her to shove her fingers into her mouth. He says that when something is bothering one of them, they usually talk about it. She touches her mouth a few more times, wipes her forehead and asks him if she met someone who she thought was the one but was sort of involved with someone else...John interrupts to say that it happened to him. He wanted this woman who wasn't necessarily involved with someone but had a lot of things going on. He took her out on a date, but it was a total disaster. They are still friends, sometimes the best of friends. Ally asks if he knows her. He says she does some days, but doesn't others. This woman, of course, was Ally, but Ally is shocked. He says it's pretty funny. She agrees, but frowns. Fade to black.
Hey, there's a new show on FOX called Malcolm in the Middle? Why didn't anyone tell me?
Ally is looking in the mirror dreaming of walking in the snow with John while listening to Vonda beg to be seen, heard and touched. Ling walks in so that Vonda can slow to a halt. Ling asks Ally what's wrong. With a LTR, Ally says that nothing is wrong. Ling points out that Ally is staring into the mirror, which means that something must be wrong. Ally says that she likes looking at herself. LTR. Ling says, "Fine, don't tell me." This is too much of an arm-twist for Ally, who then begins to tell Ling the entire story, but without mentioning John's name. Ling is wearing a fuzzy red sweater that is so fuzzy she appears blurry from the neck down. Ally gets to the part about "this guy" having a girlfriend when Ling interrupts to say there's always a girlfriend because all of the good guys are taken. Ling asks if this is a casual lust or "The One." Ally says it's "The One." Of course it's "The One." They're all "The One." Car Wash Guy was "The One." Ling says that most women don't even get to meet that certain man, let alone have a chance to be with him. Ally brings her hands to hear head to fret that she might not work out with him and then she's just ruined things for him and his girlfriend. Ling says that if it's this guy's life that she's worried about, then forget it. He's better off without her. "Thank you, Ling," Ally spits. "You've been a big help." Ally walks back to her mirror and stares at herself.
John is working on some remote control high heels. The remote causes the heel to rise and fall. Nelle walks in with her hair down. She's wearing a Pop Art parka that is one of those optical illusions where it looks like black squares on a white background when you look at it with one side of your brain, and looks like shit when you use the other. She sees the shoes and asks what he's doing with them. John stammers long enough for Nelle to freak out that he's got a shoe fetish. Her "freak out" look is so scary -- eyes wide, arms stuck at sides under the puke-a, eyebrows fiercely drawn, nose severely upset -- that I start worrying that a house will fall on her. He says he doesn't have a fetish. She brings up the spanking again, which I think makes that officially EVERY EPISODE this year. Let. It. Go. Don't these two ever talk about anything else? I mean, Nelle hates him for a new reason each and every week. You think she'd bring up some other points besides the time he was trying to live out a fantasy for her. She asks whom the shoes are for. He says they are for her. His finger is in his mouth. She loves them, of course. She puts them on immediately. John walks over to her. She kisses him on the forehead. He pushes the remote control and she lowers three inches. She's right at his height. He kisses her and pushes the remote again. She rises to her natural height. "That's what they're for," he smiles. Nelle looks a bit surprised. I giggle. But really, what's with the women going up and down in this episode?
"What do you mean, you quit?" Bleach Boy is asking Pretty Assistant (whose name I always forget is Sandy) to explain herself. She says she thinks he's "a jerk." YEA! "Don't misunderstand, you're a fantastic guy..." BOO! "Underneath that layer of jerk." YEA! She says she can't work for a guy who insists on walking around with "Robert Palmer girls." She says it's silly, that he looks silly, and it makes her look silly. She knows she's giving up a good job, one that could potentially be a career, but she just can't humiliate herself any longer with his crap. Sandy is really pretty. Billy apologizes and says he never meant to demean her. She says that she knows that, and that the look is working for him, so it's her problem. He says that he doesn't want her to leave, so he'll give up the girls. She says that it's not her place to tell him what to do. He grabs her upper arm too fiercely for my taste and says, "I'll get rid of the girls. I want you to stay." Sandy looks a bit defeated.
MALE FANTASY ALERT! MALE FANTASY ALERT! Elaine is in the Unisex with Ling. She's swaying and grinding in the mirror. We pan up from her ass to her chest. She holds her tiny-tee to her stomach and says, "They're not too perky, are they?" MALE FANTASY ALERT! "Actually," Ling says as she walks over and starts handling Elaine's breasts through her shirt, "they need to look alive and awake." You know, I just imagine that David E. Kelley sits at home holding his tiny penis and says, "This week, I'm gonna make sure that Asian hottie touches that slut's tits. Oh, yeah. That's so hot. And it'll happen in a firm. That's so sexy." Michelle must be very lonely. John walks in as Ling makes another adjustment. She asks what he thinks. Ally then walks in and love-babbles to him for a few seconds before she leaves. She does a mean arm-swing across the firm to her office as Vonda continues to "sing" about how "Easy" it is to fall in love. Ally opens the door to the back-up singers in full dance-wiggle. "It's not easy!" Ally shouts at them, which of course cues the music to grind to a halt. Oh, when will those music-ending jokes cease to be amusing? Oh yeah, 1998. That's right. I knew I had that written down somewhere. The backup singers turn to dust as John walks in and asks her what her damage is. Ally has to shove all of her fingers into her mouth so she can come clean and tell him it's him. She says she had a dream about the two of them together as a couple. She re-tells the first scene of the episode, but I won't. All you have to know is the subtext. Here it is: Look to Left. Look to Right. Hand on Forehead. Hand on Back of Head. LTR. LTL. LTR. Look down. Hand on forehead. Puff lip. LTR. She then reiterates all of the things that John has said since the first episode of the season about his not fitting in and being different and that he's always felt a kinship with her. I saw these shows, and you've at least read the recaps, so I'm not going to continue with Ally's own version of Mighty Big TV. She then tells him that she realizes that so many parts of her she's too scared to share with anyone other than him. What parts are these? Are there any hallucinations that she hasn't shared with therapists, one-night-stands, brides-to-be, Renee, Billy, Elaine, the Whipper, homeless people, Ling, us, her parents, Georgia, or Al Green? Oh, there's one. She tells John that she's hallucinating the back-up singers. She hadn't gotten around to asking anyone else if they'd heard them, so she makes it sound like she was saving that one just for John.
John backs out of the room speechless. Ally is so upset that she has to put her fingers all over her mouth and storm out of the office and walk right into Nelle's chest. Ally says hello. "Hello!" Nelle says back with a really scary smile. She looks like all of the characters in the Aphex Twin video "Come To Daddy." Ally looks very guilty. Vonda starts singing the subtext, since we aren't smart enough to figure it out on our own. I think you guys are, so I won't tell you the lyrics to the song. They intersperse the dialogue. Ally asks Nelle if she knows where John went. Nelle says he hurried away and is going to meet her at the bar. Ally says that it's "that time, I guess," which means nothing. "I guess," Nelle whispers back as Vonda kicks into high gear. Ally's face must smell like spit.
We cut to the bar where Vonda is telling people to keep their hands off her baby. Note delicate use of the subtext. Vonda is also wearing paramecia, but on her it actually looks like paisleys. "What's wrong with that woman's face?" my boyfriend asks me. "She looks like a drag queen," I answer. "That's it! She is really mannish, isn't she?" "It's her man-face." "Yeah." Nelle is insisting on wearing that optical illusion for a parka while she dances with John. Ling is dancing with Richard. Sandy is dancing with Billy. What about Bob? Dancing with Elaine. Sorry. The joke had to be made. No one seems to know how to dance to this Motown song, so some of them are bouncing, some are swaying, and others are knocking back and forth. Ally sits down to Renee, who babies that she's late. She asks how things went with the Biscuit. Ally says he ran away. "Scared him," Renee nods. Ally says it was selfish for her to say anything. He has a good thing going with Nelle. Renee gives Ally the "please" and says, "How good could things be with long blonde, stuck-up bitch?" Ally asks Renee to tell her how she really feels. They share an "I hate that Bitch" smile. Nelle has fun with John in complete fashion ignorance. They get their own spotlight.
Elaine and Bob walk home together, discussing how great of a time they had and how cool they are. Bob goes through the list of phone numbers Elaine gave him. She gives him a "goodnight" at the door. He says that it's too early. She says it's quarter to twelve on a Monday. He says that the wine is really affecting him and that he can't walk home just yet. She reminds him that he's only got three blocks, making it official that absolutely no one in this show owns a car. He says that he wants her. She says that's sweet. They kiss. She pulls away. He says he doesn't understand, he thought she liked him. She says she does, but that it's a first date. Bob laughs and says, "But Danny O' Connell on the first date, you --" He stops himself. Elaine asks if Danny told him about their first date. Bob says no. Elaine figures out that Danny told him what happened after their date. She realizes that Danny was the guy that gave Bob her number. She turns to go in.
Bob says that he thought they were clicking, and he assumes they had a better time than her and Danny did. He wants to know why Danny got invited up but didn't. She says that it's because she thought she and Bob were really clicking. Bob says he shouldn't get punished for being more fun than Danny. He says that's not fair. I think I heard this line when I was seventeen. Wanna know why Danny got invited up and you didn't Bob? Because if the guy is really boring, you'll try and at least get some physical satisfaction out of the date. You don't care what he thinks of you. If you like the guy you want him to know you're a "good girl." Here's a tip: If you just want a girl's booty, then act like an asshole. If she sleeps with you, she didn't like you. If she didn't sleep with you, then you've got to decide if you want to date her. But if you really like a girl and act like yourself and want to date her, you're gonna have to wait. Elaine gives Bob the fierce "Goodnight, Bob" with the chest push. As Elaine walks away Bob sighs and deflates a bit. The oboe sings its sad, sad song. Elaine walks into her apartment in tears. She pushes her hair back as we go to a commercial.
I don't care how bad Play It To the Bone is going to be. They had me at "Antonio."
I'm terrified that if I use Colgate Total that when I open my mouth to talk to someone important they will hear the sound of my toothpaste working all day long. That's a scary sound, man.
Commercial for Get Real. "If you've never seen Get Real before..." then you aren't alone. In fact, the only person you definitely aren't is me.
Billy walks in with his Palmer Girl music, but his girls are not there. Ally stops him to comment that he's walking a bit "naked" today. Billy sasses that he doesn't have any meetings today so she can stop being such a poopiehead. Where does Ally get all of her long pencils with big, chunky erasers for sucking? Billy walks off so Elaine can walk up. She's dressed in all black. It's more United than Audrey. She's even wearing some wings on her shoulder. Dressing like a priss has affected her speech as well, and she perfunctorily gives Ally a rundown of the day's events. Ally asks her what's wrong. Elaine says that nothing is wrong, of course. Ally asks how her date went. Elaine compares Bob to a salmon swimming upstream to spawn. Ally has only a quick moment to squint before John walks off the elevator. Ally's head swivels for a few minutes before she decides she needs to talk to John more than Elaine. Today Ally is wearing a purple v-neck shirt that has drawstring on the cuffs. I haven't worn drawstring cuffs since I was seven. Ally walks towards John, but Nelle stops him first and gives him a kiss. Nelle is in her "She's got great hair" spotlight. Ally turns around, gives Elaine the hand, and walks into her office. John tells Richard that he really needs to talk to him. Richard gives Nelle a drive-by wattle fingering.
"Do people think of me as promiscuous?" Elaine asks Ally. Elaine? Hello? Remember two episodes ago when we dedicated an entire hour about that fact? Remember the baby you found in a manger? Remember how you couldn't keep it because people thought you were a slut? How is this news to you? There are court records stating that you call yourself the office slut. Ally takes her fingers out of her mouth to say that Elaine does bill herself as such. She asks for details. Elaine says that her date went really well, but she found out that he only went out with her because he thought she'd put out on the first date. Ally immediately dubs him a "creep" and goes back to her work. Elaine looks doubtful. Ally gives her a stern look. Elaine says that Ally is right and that should be the end of it. She walks off. Ally looks in Elaine's direction as if to say, "We didn't even get a chance to talk about me!"
Richard is getting the scoop from John. Richard's mouth is open, which means he's thinking. He moves his head a bit and I can see the tag on his neckline that says, "Hello, I belong to Gwen. Hands OFF!" Richard asks whether John can sleep with Ally without Nelle finding out. John says he has a real problem because he has always been interested in Ally, but really likes Nelle. Richard says he understands that John wants to have his Nelle "and eat Ally, too." John has his fingers all over his mouth. Richard asks who he wants more. John doesn't know. Richard says he could sleep with Ally tonight and then go back to Nelle. John says that it's not that simple. It's not just Whipper Wattles and Knee Pits with Ling. It's not all about sex. "You put the 'fish' in 'superficial,'" he finger-points to Richard as he storms off. Richard mouth-breathes and says he really likes that.
Lord. Georgia has gone and chopped off all her hair. Ling makes some catty comments. Georgia walks over to Billy so they can have a moment that looks like: "I look more like Mia Farrow in Rosemary's Baby!" "No, I look more like her!" "No, I do!" "ME!" Georgia hands Billy some divorce papers. Billy looks shocked. Sandy looks sad. Georgia looks like she's getting tired of not having any lines in this season. The two non-blondes stand in a spotlight for a few more seconds until I get completely blinded from the glare. Renee will be Georgia's lawyer. Georgia snarls and walks off. Billy storms into his office. No one gets to be alone for more than three seconds in this firm, so Sandy opens the door and asks him if she can do anything. He says no. She shuts the door to trap in the sad oboe.
Renee tells Ally that she should take "bold steps." Ally says she should get what she deserves. "Right on," they make Renee say. Ally turns to walk into the elevator, but it's not there so she falls down the shaft and out of her dream. Just another scene where a woman is lowered from her position. Ally wakes up on a couch and her hair is everywhere. Ling counts to three and walks in. She says her penile psychic senses have gone off and she knows that Ally's love of her life is the funny little man. Ally plays dumb until Ling says that Nelle is her best friend and that Ally doesn't even know if she likes men. Ally insists that she does like men, which, if you remember correctly is why Ling and Ally didn't work out, but Ling pulls on Ally's leg and does that knee pit thing that I just don't understand. Ally gets aroused until she pulls her leg away. She starts to ask Ling where she learned it, but Ling asks her why she's doing all of this. Ally yells that she hasn't done anything, so she should just leave. There is a really dumb moment of Ally and Ling breathing fire at each other.
Billy and Richard are talking about Billy's divorce. Billy wants a team to represent him. Richard says they are here for him. Richard stops Elaine to say he loves her new look and to ask her if nuns are "getting action these days." Elaine very sweetly tells him to go to hell. Richard and Billy give the same head-tilt, perplexed-squint. Richard says he doesn't know if she was mad or if she thinks he'd like it there. Billy doesn't either. Richard pulls two cigars out of his pocket. They both sniff them and pop them into their mouths in sync with my eye-roll. Richard says that women are all nuts. Neither of them have a match. Wah-wah-wa-waaaahhhh.
Richard walks into Elaine in an office to ask her if she's upset with something he said. She says no. How many conversations in this episode have begun with the words, "What's wrong?" Like, all of them. He offers to find someone to talk to her in case she needs it. Elaine asks Richard to describe her in one word. He says, "Blonde." She asks for an adjective to describe her personality. He offers "fun." Regis asks if that's his final answer. "Smart." Elaine changes tactics and asks what he'd say if he was describing her to someone he was setting up on a date with her. "Oh, that's easy," Richard says. She asks what would it be. "Easy." Elaine is all teary. She says that men date her because they think she's easy. She tells him to spread (tee-hee) the word that she's not. Richard says that Elaine is "preaching to the choir" because he "loves sluts." Does anyone else find this whole plot odd? After she leaves Richard is upset because now Elaine is "changing" too.
Cut to John putting his hands on every possible spot on his face. I. Get. The. Parallels. Between. John's. Character. And. Ally's. Character. Okay? Ally walks in and starts touching her own head. She calls his name and he tells her he was just "pinching [his] head." Ally puts her hands in the prayer position and starts bumping her lips with her fingers as she tells John how sorry she is about everything. This is executed with several LTRs and LTLs. She says she respects him and Nelle as a couple. Hair tuck. She says she was being unfair. John asks if she's apologizing for being honest. She says that sometimes being honest is really selfish. He starts to say something but decides to touch his head instead. She asks him to finish. If they are such the same person they might as well just talk telepathically and save me some time. John then recaps their relationship yet again by giving out a list of their "quirks" and the ways that they are perfect for each other. Ally marvels that he didn't stutter once while giving his monologue. I've never seen The Other Sister, but this is what I assume the dialogue is like. John says that he just came from his doctor and that he's figured out what he really, truly wants in his life. He wants Nelle for his girlfriend and Ally as his therapist. Ally acts like she's not hurt by what he just said and he acts like she shouldn't be as he reassures her that they are friends forever. He gives her a peck on the cheek and leaves as we go to commercial.
Elaine is checking herself out in the mirror at the Unisex. Ally is behind her waiting her turn. She says that Elaine looks like Miss Hathaway. Elaine says that if Billy can change, she can too. Nelle walks in and says morning to everyone. If it's the day, then someone forgot to change Elaine and Ally, who are still wearing the same clothes from yesterday. Nelle, however, is wearing a big, puffy sweater. Elaine and Ally stare at Nelle. Nelle says she just said it was the morning, and that she didn't say it was good. Elaine asks Nelle how she thinks the other women regard her. Nelle squints up her eyes and says, "You know, I'm not sure that they do, Elaine." That's the meanest thing I've ever heard anyone say on this show. Most catty remarks are provoked. This seemed completely out of the blue and only there so that we don't like Nelle and want Ally to get with John. Elaine leaves without a word as Ally starts chastising Nelle. Nelle asks what happened to everyone's sense of humor. "Life isn't funny! Can you not see that?" Ally then smears red lipstick all over her mouth to complete her Robert Smith impersonation and walks out the door to begin her lonely walk down Fascination Street. Nelle gives a look like, "I guess I'm supposed to be a bitch in this episode. Sure is lonely having to hate everyone for absolutely no reason."
Ally makes the long walk to her office and does so with her arms really, really pumping. Imagine the stride of a mall walker. She stops so that Ling can yell her name and accuse her of "still thinking about it." More stupid fire spitting. Ling shrinks and runs away. Whatever. John calls her name. Ally spins around with a monster growl. John offers her a "morning." "What is all this 'good morning' crap?" Ally sneers. Well good day, Sunshine. John asks for the fifth time this episode if Ally is all right. Besides the fact that she's wearing the same clothes, she says that she's just fine, of course. "I just picked up you as a patient, and things couldn't be more dandy, could they, John?" John follows her into her office because no one on Ally McBeal is ever truly alone. "You're obviously upset with my decision," John offers for Understatement of the Year. Ally huffs and puffs and caves her pride in. She says she's not upset. She thinks he did the right thing. He says he adores her and admires her. She asks how his clarity hit him. He says that he knows he's odd and he thinks he needs a partner that can ground him and that no one is "a bigger wacko" than Ally, so she's the wrong choice. Ally retorts by saying that no one is a bigger wacko that he is. This starts a big game of name calling and quirk-bashing that includes choice lines as, "Nobody looks in the mirror and sees Barry White b-b-b-b-besides Barry, so don't be calling me a wacko," and "At least I know that he's not really there, which is more than I can say for you and Al Green." Ooga-chacka, ooga-chacka. Dancing babies. When John makes his first drafts, his feet smell, but no one will tell him because they are afraid they'll make his nose whistle. John says that one little rejection and she's reduced herself to name-calling. Ally says, "Oh, why don't you just go Puh-puh-puh-porky yourself right out of here, you funny little man?" John gives her a very large smile that looks like he might cry. Ally snorts at his "smile therapy," calls him a nut, and storms off. Damn. The endgame, "smile therapy," was the only quirk I was unfamiliar with. Although Ally won that fight, she was really too harsh for what John was saying. That and he's the only character on this show I still like. Okay, I like Elaine, too, but not if she's going to become a virgin.
Bob has returned to apologize to Elaine and ask for a second chance. He says he'll try to be a perfect gentleman. She says that you don't "try" to be a gentleman, you "are" one. He says that he's not the only one at fault. He points out that she went out with him for what she thought he was just like he went out with her for what he thought she was. Elaine says they were both wrong and then asks him to leave. The sad oboe calls the elevator for him.
John is head-touching again as Ally sits down beside him. She apologizes. She says she knows he was right since they were already fighting before they ever became a couple. John says that he can't remember a time when they ever exchanged a harsh word before and I hear the Mighty Big TV forum fire up in the other room as someone posts a topic called, "Oh, yes they have!" Ally says she only said those things out of hurt and that she loves that he's odd and loves his eccentricities and that she loves him as a friend. He asks what she thinks that dream was really about. She says she's not sure, but that maybe she's just so starved for intimacy on any level that she mistook the intimacy of friendship for something more. She knows that the thought of losing him as his friend or her best friend is unthinkable. He agrees. She offers her hand for a truce. He pushes it away, says "treaty," and takes her into his arms. They dance as Vonda sings. Renee pushes her tears away and says, "Didn't think she was my best friend anyway. I only share a damn phone bill with that bitch."
Vonda "shoo bop, shoo bops" us right into the bar as we reach my official Too Much Vonda point. Billy is drinking at the bar. Sandy walks up to say that it is too cliché for Billy to be drinking at the bar the day he gets served divorce papers. No, that was yesterday, remember? Anyway, all of the firm dances in unison behind them as Richard asks if he should be out there dancing with Richard. Sandy says that would be even more cliché. Billy calls Sandy a "good girl," which proves that he isn't learning a damn thing from all of this. She says that she's going home. He offers to walk her out. "That's all you'll do," she says with force. "That's all I'm offering," he says with a grin.
Elaine is crying in the Unisex. Ally walks in and Elaine says she got mascara in her eye. Ally shoves her fingers in her mouth to ask if Elaine regularly sleeps with men on the first date. Elaine says she doesn't. Ally says then that Bob got it wrong. She says that she wonders what the Car Wash Guy thinks of her. Elaine says that Car Wash Guy was out of character for Ally, and that people already think of Elaine that way. She says that maybe it's in her character. Ally reminds Elaine that she enjoys "putting [herself] out there as a sexual person." She says that if some people think that makes her a slut, then "they just get it wrong." She says that Elaine doesn't have to change. "There's no power in acting the way you think people want you to be." She says she admires Elaine. Elaine scoffs at that remark. Ally brings up "the lecture" from "last year" about how Elaine likes her life and not everyone wants to be a lawyer or a doctor. She says that Elaine was the reason she "sang that song at the Christmas party last year." She's referring to two episodes ago. I know we've had about three weeks to adjust to the year 2000, but I haven't started referring to this past December as "last year" yet. She says she wanted to be Elaine for one night. She doesn't know anyone else who would marinate clothing in pheromones. Ally says that Elaine is an optimist, and that's what she wants to be when she "grows up." Elaine and Ally share a moment in the mirror as Elaine says, "I'm lonely." Ally, never missing a moment to talk about herself, says that she's lonely too. "There are worse things," Rizzo says. Elaine asks what they are. She offers to think about what they could be while they go to dinner.
Nelle and John are walking the streets. Nelle asks what's been going on with John lately. He says it's nothing they need to talk about. Nelle says that they are a couple and that couples talk about things. John says that couples don't have to talk about everything. Nelle whines that she's uncomfortable with that statement. John stops Nelle, lowers her in her shoes and tells her that he loves her. He kisses her as Vonda begins to ruin one of my favorite songs. He puts her back up to her regular height. He walks off as Nelle looks down and gives an "I love my funny little man" smile.
Vonda ruins "You've Got a Friend" as we watch Billy and Sandy walk down the street. Georgia walks alone. Billy. Georgia. Billy morphing into Georgia. Blonde on Blonde action. Nelle and John walk arm-in-arm. Elaine and Ally walk with the giggles. Ally has her blue oven mitt shoved in her mouth. Elaine really is a friend, because she never makes Ally take that thing out of her mouth. Fade to black.
I begin sucking my fingers and shaking my head. I've officially seen too much of this show. No new episode for a couple of weeks, so everyone just wear some oven mitts and attempt to reverse feminism as much as possible. See ya.