Boston. Night. Violin. Piano. Unisex. Ling and Nelle gossiping at the mirror. Nelle believes that men only dye their hair when they're undergoing a crisis. Ling says that Billy's not even capable of a crisis, that he has the personality of a nail but without the sharp end. The toilet flushes. Guess who comes out of the stall. Give up? It's Billy. He tells Ling she should've looked under the stall doors. Unperturbed, she says, "It's not like I was saying anything nice." Billy rinses his hands as Nelle offers to kiss the "boo boo" that is his hurt feelings. Billy says he's getting tired of Nelle treating him like "some Beanie Baby." He wants to know if she does it to titillate him or to dis Georgia. Nelle says it's the former. Billy turns to the mirror and gives himself a haughty smirk as the opening line of "New Man in Town" plays. Buoyed by this mini masturbatory moment, he's ready to harsh on Nelle. "Ya wanna turn me on, Nelle? Try acting a little older than a high-school sophomore." OOH. PUTDOWN. Ling meows or something in the background while Nelle just smiles. Nelle is wearing a white shirt which is partially covered by a shrunken red vest, the likes of which haven't been seen since Clueless. "How's this..." she purrs, sauntering over to him and forcefully putting her hand under my television screen and onto Billy's groinoidal area. "Junior," she says. The soundtrack melts away and Billy runs out of the restroom. Nelle and Ling cackle. ["Gwen, you're just making all that up, right? That didn't happen, right?" -- Wing Chun]
Georgia is at her secret bar with George. "Think he's having an affair?" George asks. No, but Georgia thinks that he might want to. "Do you?" asks George. Georgia pauses in her red turtleneck sweater that is either topped by a funky brown jumper or else just weirdly color-blocked. She points out that they don't even know each other's last names. Instead of just telling her his, George says something about the mystery making her more exotic. Georgia gives him a "That wasn't really funny, but you turn me on" chuckle. She admits that she sort of wishes Billy Goat would follow her to the bar one night and catch her talking to a handsome man. Then she tries to change the subject to George's wife. He says that his wife thinks he's working late. Then he smoothly segues: "It's getting late...I should go." Georgia pants as she asks if she'll see him the evening. He has to tell her that the day is Thanksgiving. Georgia laughs at her own hilarious, endearing, pathetic forgetfulness. Then she says "Friday?" Woo. Shake it, don't break it, Georgia. George takes her hand and says it's a date. He kisses her cheek as she closes her eyes and kisses the air. Georgia is all Desperate Dog, not letting go of his hand. He sits back down and pulls the old "Wouldn't it make your man EXTRA jealous if you were to KISS me?" routine. They kiss. Slightly open mouths, no visible tongue.
Help! It's a bomb! Oh, wait. It's just the annoyingly loud opening chords of the theme song. Sorry. Ally McBeal is brought to us by Old Navy this week. That means I get to see the same freaking Performance Fleece advertisement every single commercial break! Great!
After a few seconds of that extra-special "wokka wokka" guitar, we're treated to Vonda singing "New Man in Town." Then we see Billy dirty dancing with Elaine as Georgia makes her way to the Fish-Cage table. Georgia asks Ally if she knows where to get a turkey. "You've already got one," says Ling, indicating Billy. Georgia seems more shocked than disgusted or pissed off. She acts like someone who is watching the rude behavior of a stranger. Ally changes the subject back to turkey. Richard wants to know how any wife could forget "the biggest cooking day of the year." Georgia really wants to know where she can get a pre-cooked turkey because it's "Bleach-Head's favorite holiday." Yes. She's sitting there worrying about getting a turkey for her husband who is dancing with another woman and making frequent '70s moves in order to put his face on the same level as that woman's breasts. Georgia, you are so pitiful, you're actually making my stomach hurt. Ally invites Georgia to her house. I thought Ally lived in an apartment or part of a brownstone or something, but whatever. Ally's having a mini-party including her parents, Nelle, and John, and "Renee invited Whipper." Ally insists that Georgia and Billy attend. Ally is digging into a lime or something with a toothpick that has a little bulbous tip that is not at all phallic-looking or anything. I'm just glad she's not playing in her own mouth. John stage whispers to Ally and indicates Ling's and Richard's sad expressions. Ling is wearing a red sweater that is color-blocked with brownish-red on the chest. She and Richard have no plans so Ally grudgingly invites them, too. They are especially pleased when they learn that they won't have to bring any food along. I guess no one on the show has family anymore except for Ally. Personally, I'd rather stay home and read sale flyers alone than go to a disliked co-worker's Thanksgiving dinner...but that's just me, I guess.
At Ally's pad, someone plops a large turban squash onto the table as Ally informs Whipper that Richard and Ling are coming. In walk John and Nelle. Do I need some gingko bilboa tablets, or did Nelle already mention more than once that she did not like Ally? Oh, well. Ally is wearing a grody, nasty, off-white cowl-neck sweater. It fits her rather snugly and I'm immediately reminded of the undershirt cum brassiere she wore in the infamous car wash scenes. Elaine shows up hauling her karaoke equipment. In walk Ling and Richard. Richard generously hands Ally a box of instant mashed potatoes. Seeing Whipper, Ling remarks, "She's here? Yuck." Farrah Fawcett, oops, I mean Whipper, is wearing one of those black, mock-turtleneck tops with sheer sleeves and upper-chest area built in. She pairs this with black and white spandex pants which bare her midriff a little. She asks Ling what the problem is. She wants to discover "the root of this woman's bitterness."
"Talk to me about roots," Ling purrs. "Oh, is it because your major muscles can only contract for five seconds, tops?" retorts Whipper. Huh? I'm so sure. On what planet do women still gibe about age or hair color, and who would ever be gauche enough to try to rank on someone's orgasm problems at a holiday dinner? It's not over, though. Whipper follows up with, "And even at that, your little throat pops a polyp?" What the? What is that even supposed to MEAN? Instead of saying, "Whatever, freak," and walking away, Ling turns to Richard and mutters, "You told her about my orgasms?" Richard hedges a little. Nelle butts in and says, "Look, if we're gonna fight..." Then Renee comes on all La Loca Big Head and tells Nelle, "Uh, you don't live here. You don't make rules." Ally tries to break it up. John is fraught. "We're here!" bellows Georgia as she and her jerk husband come through the door. Elaine sidles up to Georgia and tells her what she missed. "Hey, it is Thanksgiving," calls out Ally, all trying to be tough. Elaine, who has taken off her coat to reveal a clingy, taupe number sprinkled with sequins, offers to sing. Everyone yells "NO" at her. Ally's mom walks in bearing a long foil-wrapped object. She is played by Jill Claybourgh. Ally's dad is out parking the car. Ally's mom seems pleasantly surprised by Billy's peroxide job. She hugs him like he's an old family friend while Georgia looks on. Ally makes her quit and then introduces everyone else. Upon re-making the acquaintance of Ally's ex-classmate Richard, Ally's mom says, "He's the boy who kept touching my neck." Ally gets mad and says, "you fingered my mother's wattle?" Ling and Whipper get mad. Whipper thought that her wattle was what started Richard's fetish. Ling says "ancient wattle" and "threatened by the turkey." SHUT UP BEFORE I PUKE, PEOPLE. Richard's not even looking very attractive this evening. He's in black with gray trim, trying to sport that Chandler/Kramer retro look, but his shirt is obviously mostly polyester and it simply doesn't hang well, especially not over his black t-shirt.
"Hello, hello," says someone. "Daddy!" says Ally. Oh, no! OH NO! Ally's daddy is GEORGE! George from Georgia's secret bar! NO! Exit via the fire escape, Georgia! Run, girlfriend, run! Sink into the ground or something! Man, I totally did not see this coming, though the signs were all there. The old "he's parking the car" trick...I can't believe it fooled me. "Gasp!" says Georgia, who hasn't yet been spotted by her almost-lover. Billy struts up all ex-boyfriend-style and says, "Hey, George!" to Ally's dad. They give a second's attention to Billy's Rutger Hauer 'do, and then Billy says "blah blah my wife, Georgia." There's a big spooky sound effect as a Tupperware container falls out of George's grip in slow motion. Everyone turns to gape and Ling squints suspiciously. Strangely, the Tupperware was not only sealed, but also swathed in green cling-wrap. I wonder why. George plays it all off admirably by saying that Georgia looked just like the daughter of one of his clients. Ally's mom pops out of the kitchen and the three McBeals haggle over the heating of the stuffing. Billy asks Georgia if she's okay and she rolls her eyes as she says she's fine. Whatever. I hate the way TV shows pull this crap. A character makes a weird face for two seconds, and everyone in the room's picking up a "vibe." But if Ally were to walk back into the room wearing a fake mustache and a suit, everyone would accept that she was her own long-lost twin brother. "I'm penile psychic. Something's up," says Detective Ling. Here we go with the penis talk. Richard starts to defend himself. Ling turns, faces Richard's crotch, and says, "I wasn't talking about you." PLEASE...NO MORE PENIS TALK. Relieved Richard smiles at Whipper who pouts back while Georgia stares for no reason.
It's later, and Billy and Elaine are in front of the fireplace singing that "would you rather be a pig" song. Richard is scoping out Ally's mom's wattle but Ling is there to keep him at bay. Ally is wiggling, pursing her lips, and peering sideways through her hair as if that adds to the sexiness she lacks in any way/shape/form. John or someone offers Georgia a container of something and she peevishly waves it away. She catches George's eye, then gets up and goes to Ally's bedroom. George immediately pops up and pulls the old "Ally, where's the bathroom?" routine. He goes to Georgia, who is upset. "Every man I kiss [something] from her past," quoth she. George says it was only a kiss, and it's not anonymous anymore, so they should forget it and blah blah. Georgia looks angrier than she ever does when she's looking at Billy, and complains that she has to sit through a turkey dinner, looking at Ally's father, whose "tongue" was in her mouth, while her bleach-head husband is singing karaoke. Tongue is the second-favorite word on this show. George puts his hands on her shoulders and they recap their indiscretion to each other so that Ally can walk in and hear that they kissed. Ally becomes upset. She's not wearing the undershirt -- it's a camisole. I can see the straps, along with the shoulder seam allowances, through her thin sweater. Georgia and George explain that they didn't know whom the other was when they kissed. Ally ignores this in her rush to turn the conversation to herself. She accuses Georgia of trying to get even for the Ally/Billy kiss of last season. Georgia doesn't get to say anything because Ally says, "Could you please get out? I need to talk to my father." Georgia leaves and as she passes Ally we see how much nicer Georgia's white sweater is. "You cheat on mom?" Ally asks her dad. At first he's trying to blow it off, but then she's all raising her voice and pressing the question. George says he doesn't owe her an answer. Ally sarcastically repeats what he said. He starts, "While you were my daughter, living in my house..." Ally jumps on this like a dog on an old KFC box and keeps asking "I'm not your daughter anymore?" until her dad has to sternly tell her to let him finish. While Ally lived with her parents, George was completely faithful to his wife. Since Ally left, George has had one affair. Excuse me, but why is this Ally's business? I can't see myself ever asking my dad about his sexual relationships. I can't see myself raising kids rude enough to ask me about mine. And who is Ally to get angry about other people's affairs, when she's been slobbering to have one with Billy for the last few months at least? Whatever. So George had a six-month affair three years ago. Ally wants to know if it's less of a betrayal to her mom when Ally's not living there. George says that it's less of a betrayal to Ally. "Give me a break, Dad," says our non-heroine venomously. "No, why don't you give me one?" shoots back Dad. "No, you don't get one," peevish Ally replies. "You have affairs on Mom, you kiss Georgia in bars, you don't get a break. Sorry." Thanks for summing it up so that your mom can overhear, Ally McDramaQueen. George is all "Great -- anybody else who hasn't heard?" Elaine sticks her head through the door and says that she didn't, quite. Ally shoos her and Elaine says she'll catch up later.
Uh, oh. Ally's mom is the Drama Queen Oak from which the Acorn has fallen, because she says she'll catch everybody up right now. She walks into the living room and says, "Billy, your wife evidently kissed my husband in a bar last night. That's what all the yelling is about. Turkey should be almost done." Ally starts handing everyone their coats and yelling at them to leave. Nice hostess. Richard wants to know if he can help. She hugs him and tells him to leave. He asks if he can take the turkey. She says whatever. Ally walks over to M-C Pig Dog and says, "Well, Billy, who would have figured? Your wife, my father." You reap what you sow, people. There's your Thanksgiving harvest lesson. Billy stands there like the dorkrod he is and says nothing. John says "Ally." Ally waves him away. Whipper tells Renee to go with her so that they can give the McBeal Tragic Players some time alone. Renee's hair is horizontally fluffier than usual and she's wearing a tight, tight, red sweater that lets us all know that her bra is too small. "Who is that," asks my spouse, "Bozo the Clown?" Richard and Ling are hauling away as much food as they can carry. Mama McBeal tells Ally that she's leaving, too, but Ally won't hear of it. Ling tells Richard to invite everyone over to their place. Richard tells Whipper to get the wine for him as they follow everyone else out the door.
Ally pours herself a glass of wine while shooting dirty looks to her dad at the fireplace. Ally's mom scrubs at the sink. George tells her that there was no affair this time. He was sitting in a bar... "Oh, I thought you don't drink," pipes Mom. They bicker a bit about the old my-wife-doesn't-understand-me routine. Ally butts in to clarify that her mom already knows about George's three-years-ago affair. Yes, says George, and I know about hers. "You had an affair, too?" Ally asks all numbly. Why isn't she bitching out her mom? Oh, it's because she's Daddy's Little Electra. Sorry. So then Mom points out all the ways in which her one-night fling was different from Dad's affair. Guess what. She says the word "penis." Ally's trying to make them stop, saying that she doesn't want to know anymore. Oh, here's an idea, Ally: leave the room! Instead she stands there and sings to herself like a little baby drama princess. Her mom tells her that she should hear the arguing because Ally's almost thirty, so it's time for her to take her head out of her "little Romeo and Juliet idea of reality" and face the fact that life is sometimes hard. Ally bellows that Romeo and Juliet are dead and asks her mom if she didn't "read the book." Instead of saying "Uh, yes, I did read the play" and then slapping the hell out of Ally for sassing her, Ally's mom says something about R and J getting to die while still believing in love. Blah blah. Ally is disgusted that her mom doesn't seem to believe in love. She forces her parents to lie and say that they love each other. Mom McB tells her that she should just stay in her dream universe. "I don't LIVE in a dream universe, Mom -- sometimes I just RETREAT TO IT!" yells Ally in that annoying, no-one-understands-my-romantic-soul crybaby way of hers. I think she should run to her room, slam the door, and write "My mom is a bitch!" in her Backstreet Boys diary. Ally's mother says some junk which serves no purpose other than to segue into Ally's line. "No, a dream world is when I walk into my bedroom, close my eyes, and see a unicorn. Reality is walking into your parents' room as a three-year-old child and seeing you in bed with another man." Nice mismatched pronouns there. She gives the folks a few seconds to absorb this and listen to the oboe. Then she says, in the most pouty voice imaginable, "Don't make fun of my fantasy life, Mom. You inspired it." She finally sniffles off to her bedroom, leaving her parents to stare at each other and me to say, "Big freaking whatever."
I think it's kind of harsh that Black & Decker forced Eartha Kitt to say, "I eat cat litter for lunch." I also think that Deuce Bigelow, Male Gigolo is going to be one of the most insulting movies of the decade.
We're treated to a sepia-tinted flashback of Little Girl Ally and her dad singing at a piano. It fades into Ally staring at the space in front of her vanity mirror. Ally's mom walks in and starts trying to talk about the affair. Ally doesn't want to hear it, but her mom plows on. George was so into his career. She was so alone. Ally's mom needs Ally's help. George just asked for a divorce.
Everyone else from the whole show is sitting around a dinner table somewhere. Elaine is singing grace while the others mutter. Ling makes a lame crack about Whipper's age. Whipper jumps up and tells Richard they need to talk in private. Richard's alarm thingy goes off, but he goes to the Whipper as Ling smiles and helps herself to dressing.
The McBeals hash over the affairs some more and manage to fit in the word "penis" twice. Then Ally makes a stupid statement about her parents being required to be happily married for as long as Ally lives. She says she's gonna call her therapist so they can all talk. Gee, it's a good thing Tracy the Therapist is another family-less person who has nothing better to do than hang out with Ally on Thanksgiving.
Whipper wants to know why Richard's been fondling her wattle if he means to continue shaking his bon-bon with Ling. Richard indicates that Whipper's good for companionship and stuff, but that sex is more important to him in a relationship, and that's why he's with Ling. If he lived with Whipper, he'd spend so much time talking and sharing intimate moments with her that he'd be too tired for sex. Eventually they would tire of talking to each other. He and Ling don't enjoy talking to each other to begin with, and the sex is great. That's his reasoning. Whipper ignores all this. "Do you think you're fooling me with these Fishisms, Richard?" she asks him. She says that his fear has caused him to regress to the same emotional coward he used to be. She hopes that he gets what he's looking for with Thing, and when he does, he's not to come running to her. Throughout this speech, Richard runs through a sampling of his cute-mug repertoire. Whipper peels out of the room in a huff. She gathers her stuff. Renee says blah blah. Whipper announces that she's leaving. Ling goes, "Was it something that I said? Tell me, so I can write it down!" as Whipper exits. Richard comes back into the dining area and tells Ling to be quiet. Elaine starts to say something and Richard barks at her to be quiet, too. Then he goes after Whipper. Richard is so freaking cute when he's mad. Ling nonchalantly says, "He just left me alone. On Thanksgiving Day. Stuffing?"
Tracy the Therapist spends several moments recapping the whole history of McBealian romantic discretions because this show doesn't have enough plot to last a whole hour, so the characters need to keep saying the same stuff in different ways. They say "penis" a couple of more times, Tracy works the electric couch on them, and then Tracy tells them to have a cookie so they can shut up and she can hear what's going on. Ally grasps for a cookie and doesn't get one. Bicker, electric couch, bicker. Ally carps about not getting her cookie. Tracy busts out an air horn on them. Ha. Okay, here comes the ridiculous revelation of the hour. Get ready. Tracy wants to know why the twenty-six-year-old affair is the one causing the problem. George says it's because Jeannie (THAT'S Ally's mom's name) fell in love with someone else. "So did you," says Jeannie smugly. Who? Who did George fall in love with? Who could it be? He doesn't know. He had a love affair that wasn't sexual but that pre-empted his relationship with Jeannie. George wants to know who she's talking about. A couple of more seconds of dragging it out and then...it was Ally. He was in love with his own daughter. "Muh-muh-me?" Ally asks, as her ego begins to get aroused. "You're jealous of your own daughter?" George asks. Jeannie describes the way George totally kicked her to the curb after Ally was born. Tracy nods sagely. Jeannie says that after Ally moved out on her own, George just "died." Jill Claybourgh's doing a good job with this dreck and I feel bad for her that she has to be on this show.
"...and it's been like this...slow death..." Georgia's telling Billy at their house or wherever. Oh, wait, no...it looks like they're at the office. LOSERS MUCH? Go home, people! Live your lives outside of work for a while! It's a freaking holiday! Somebody buy these people some extra living-room sets, especially if y'all aren't planning to show court cases on this show anymore! Georgia says that their marriage has been going downhill ever since Ally came to work for the firm and blah blah blah. She kissed George to get back at him. The new Billy makes her want to vomit. Ha. Billy almost squints at this, but then he realizes he's showing too much emotion and restrains himself. Georgia says that all her life she's been fighting the Barbie-doll image that others thrust upon her. Now Billy wants her to be his Barbie doll, but she never will. She's giving him his ticket out of their marriage. He can blame her for kissing George, since he hates to be the bad guy. "Maybe we need to take a break from each other," Billy says and nods. Georgia negates his nod by shaking her head and says, "You're not looking to take a break, Billy. You're looking to make one." Billy rolls his eyes. Georgia lets go of her security pillow, gets off her chair, and wishes Billy a happy Thanksgiving as she saunters out of the scene. Billy actually looks a little chagrined. Although Georgia didn't rank on Billy near enough for my tastes, I'm glad she finally told him to get out of her life. Even if it was in a really passive-aggressive way.
Heather Locklear's ultra-shimmery eyelids are scaring me.
Ally's lecturing George about his attachment to her and neglect of Jeannie. She asks him if she hurt him by moving him into the periphery of her life. "Did I hurt you?" she wants to know. George starts, "Every father feels..." and then Tracy plays a loud bull sound at him. He admits that he was hurt. He and Ally used to talk every day about Ally's dreams, pains, and fears. Suddenly it stopped and he was no longer in her life and yeah it hurt. Ally says she was afraid of disappointing him with the same old crap about her fears of failure. She didn't want him to think she was pathetic at twenty-seven. Oh, Ally, don't worry. You'll always be pathetic to me! Her dad starts placating her as Ally beams because she just loves hearing men talk about her. They're huddled together, holding hands. Tracy says something about the reason Ally's in therapy. Ally and her daddy yell "Quiet!" at her. Tracy tells them that their relationship is easily fixable, but that they need to talk about George and Jeannie. She can't cure their marriage with a theme song, but there's one thing she does know: George loves Ally more than he loves his own wife. Deny that, dares Tracy, and this marriage is dead. George gets pissed. He says he wants to see wacko Tracy's license. Tracy comes out with, "You've got two choices here. You come clean with your wife or you go back to the bar and you pick up women your daughter's age." George will not be bullied by this nut. He gets up and makes a move as if to maybe attack Tracy, but she does something with some electric-sounding device in her hand (a stun gun, maybe?) and stops him. He gathers his dignity and leaves. Ally is perturbed and Jeannie gives Tracy a tiny smile.
In the Unisex, Richard smokes a cigar and gives Billy advice about keeping women wanting so they'll want you more, because love is finite and only misery lasts forever. Richard, get a life. Go to the museum or something. Billy whacks Richard with his stall door. "Uh...Fishism," says Richard.
A turkey bone drops onto a plate and we hear a belch. Oh, ha, ha. Ling is eating because she's upset. Hardy har. John remarks that she's taking the situation well. She assures him that she'll get Richard back because she still knows how to snap her fingers. She wonders where the pie is. In walks Georgia. I see now. They're eating Thanksgiving dinner in the law-office meeting room. No comment. Georgia's all balled up in her coat and scarf. "There's no more food and we haven't seen Bleach-Head," Ling informs her. "I came to see Renee," Georgia drawls with her new Clint Eastwood attitude. She asks Renee if she'll think about hiring Georgia into her new firm. Ling, Nelle, John, and Elaine listen with surprise. Renee will think about it. Georgia thanks her and takes off.
Ally is so, so sad. Her hot-rolled hair falls in front of her eyes. She relives the moment when her three-year-old, flannel-nightgown-wearin' self sticks her head into the crack in her mommy's bedroom door. Sad cello. Jeannie walks in and tells Ally that her dad went home. Ally asks if her mom needs a place to sleep. Jeannie chuckles. No, she's going home and they'll survive. "Is that how you characterized your marriage, Mom? It survived?" Jeannie says that there are worse descriptions and that they're over the "fiftieth percentile." Wearing too-small sweaters must be a chromosomal disorder. Jeannie apologizes for what happened when Ally was three. She starts to say more about that, but Ally cuts her off with, "Were you really jealous of me, Mom?" Ally's mom sighs and sits down on Ally's childish white-iron-framed bed. Please suspend your disbelief to its highest point starting now. "From the day you were born, there was a...a magic to you. Well, there still is. It's unbelievable...[sigh]...well, the only word I can think of is magic..." Ally's eyes are wide. "Ahh! Ahh! Don't stop!" moans her ego. She's almost there. Jeannie continues, "When I say that your father's love for me had died..." Ally's ego yells, "Don't stop now!" and then it takes matters into its own hands. "Maybe," says Ally, "it just became difficult for him to love a woman who was so envious of her...own...daughter." Her ego shoots its wad all over her...own...mother. "It's not that I didn't love you, Ally..." says Jeannie, but Ally shows her the hand, wanting to relish the afterglow for a sec. Now it's time for another musical memory. Ally and her dad used to sing "Dulcinea." Sometimes Jeannie wakes up in the middle of the night and George is at the piano playing that song. George never found the love of his life, even though he and his wife love each other. Ally mists up as she asks if they never had any "wonder" at all. Jeannie mists up as she insists that they did...but she grew up and moved away. Aww! Ally was the wonder of their love! That is so...so...sappy! Jeannie picks at Ally's hair to drive her point home. Ally says that if her mom only knew how Ally's longed to be close to her... "Yeah. Me, too," says Jeannie in a way that shows that she's just glad this scene is almost over. Then she gets up and does a little monologue about how groovy George was for raising Ally to believe that her dreams would come true when his never did, blah blah blah. Then she announces that she should go home and "make him a sandwich, at least." Make him a SANDWICH, David E. Kelley? That is so freaking inane, buddy. Ally says that her parents could come over for Christmas. "Yeah, that'd be great," says her mom, failing to add: "...seeing as how we have no lives or other relatives." Then she gets the heck out of there, and I guess she has to take a taxi or something to the airport, since Ally is too self-involved to drive her. Or maybe it's that Ally's car hasn't been washed lately and isn't suitable for public viewing.
It's nighttime and we here some guy singing the pig song as Billy walks down the street. Who does he run into but Sandy his new assistant? She's "trying to walk off dinner." He invites her to have some coffee with him and she says okay because she doesn't care if her dinner companions spend the hour or so wondering what the hell happened to her.
The guy sings the part of the song about the fish as Richard hurries through the sleet or drizzle or whatever to Whipper's place. She opens the door and he tells her, "I just prefer to swim in the shallow end, Whip. You can't drown." He asks why he should make a commitment when they never seem to work for the other people he knows. Whipper says she can't answer that for him and asks him if that's all he came to say. He smiles and nods, like he thinks she's gonna invite him in for sex or something. "That and uh...yeah," he finishes with no smile. Whipper whispers goodnight and closes the door on him. We get a big close-up of the scarring on Richard's neck as he makes his disappointed face and goes away.
Vonda wails about swinging on a star and we see Georgia ally mcbealing down her own sidewalk.
Back at their place, Ally tells Renee that her parents will be okay. Renee tells her that the turkey dinner went terribly. She says, "I think Richard is going back with the Whipper...so if you want to catch Ling on the rebound..." Ha! Ally says she'll pass, in her snug little Joan Jett t-shirt. Whatever, David E.K. That's not gonna make us like her any more. Renee goes off to bed in her tight, tight sweater and faux leopard skirt. Ally shows us her nappy, cut-off, capri-length chinos and her clogs as she walks to the piano. She plays and breathily sings "Dulcinea" while lamenting her daddy's leaving her for Georgia. Her daddy's hallucinated voice joins in, and then Vonda takes over while Ally sleeps on the couch for a while. Then she's sitting up and feeling sorry for herself some more as the show ends. UGH. Not a freaking moment too soon.
week the real Farrah Fawcett slaps and hits on Billy, Richard tells John he should have kids, and Georgia wears orange, tells Richard she quits, and considers getting it on with Ally's dad after all. I can't wait. I'll consider it my punishment for eating too much pie on Thursday.