Ally is walking down the "wintry" "Boston" "street," bracing herself against the "winds." Vonda is squealing something about "the wayward wiiiiiind, is a restless wiiiind, and a wiiiiind that likes to waaaaandeeer." Ally's hat blows off her giant head, and she chases it for a while. Finally, she catches up with it: it's stuck on a snow-covered "FOR SALE" sign on a huge, honking old elephant of a house. She gazes at it for a while, then wanders on inside. Because houses with "FOR SALE" signs on them are usually open, so any old body can just wander inside and set a spell.
Inside, the house is trashed. There's trash all over the stairs, the railing has broken spindles in it, there are giant cobwebs everywhere and bound-up bundles of magazines on the mantle, the walls are bleeding...well, painted a really lovely Victorian dark red. Did you see The Royal Tenenbaums yet? That dusty rose they had in their halls is what I want in my halls. House ownership is really great, but you always have fixer-upper stuff to do, it's neverending. I saw a fixer-upper like this one Ally's peering at, which on paper said "five-bedroom Victorian with stained-glass windows," but should have read, "Filthy craphole with broken plumbing, pentagrams on the walls, and body laid out on third floor. Killer may still be inside!" I'm only slightly exaggerating. And while owning is a way to build equity, DO NOT THINK it is cheaper than renting. That's true only if you don't fix anything up, or paint, or knock down walls or mortar up walls or rip out rugs or put new tile in the bathroom or get new windows installed...all stuff I've done in the last few months. ["Whoa, really? All we had to do was paint, thank god. Oh, and we have that little tub-draining leak problem that we haven't fixed yet. We're lucky! What's that? This isn't a recap of Trading Spaces? Right. I'll shut up now." -- Wing Chun] Good thing Ally will get Jon Bon Jovi as a fix-it guy. Because they aren't all that pretty. Anyway, back to the action: Ally walks right in and fantasizes that the trash-strewn house is all nice and fixed up. There's a real estate agent who says the house "just went into probate" even though the sign outside was all covered in snow. Ally asks for an "offer sheet," and the agent is all, "Don't you want to know how much?" Ally asks, "How much?" Yeah, that's how real estate is sold. Ally should have just whipped out a pile of cash and thrust it at the agent, who'd stammer, then holler "SOLD!"
French Stewart is on the stand, saying he still loves his wife. And when he gives her a diamond bracelet, she sings, "You aaare sooo beautiful, to meeee."
El Shrinkador says French is "compulsive, a classic case." He can say he "lacks the specific intent to commit a crime." Ally's all, wanna see my new house?
El Shrinkador agrees that the house is "fabulous. It's you! It's beautiful! It's sad. It's a dump." Ally only sees the potential, and the beauty; she says that she "wants to make mad love to it." Then there's Jon Bon Jovi standing in front of her. He confirms that he's "real," when Ally asks; he's also wearing more pancake than a baby in IHOP. The bank sent him. There's an electrical problem, and he needs to bring the place up to code. He'll be working in the basement for a day or two. Ally stammers that she said she wanted to make love to the HOUSE, the HOUSE, see, because she's a.... "an edifasexual," says El Shrinkador. She socks him. He tells her to trust him. Jon Bon Jovi drops his overly makeupped head and looks coy, or like he thinks she's nuts, or something. Ally smiles, like, hello, new notch on belt!
Jenny sneaks into the office, her face flushed bright red. Glenn gets his one line in, saying he only sees her face that red when she's having a...you know. She pops into her office. Corretta follows. Jenny went back to the orgasm chair, didn't she? Corretta's "seen that chair ruin relationships. Be very careful." The music is ominous.
El Shrinkador is on the stand, saying that French Stewart has an impulse disorder. "He predicates his love on his capacity to give, and is obsessed with making his wife happy." He's addicted to her happiness. The shrink says that people buy to escape, and he had a client who bought a house, "so much did she hate her own life." Ally ahems and stops him.
Ally maniacally scrapes a wall. Richard comes in and is all, ow, I think you're cutting into the wood. She turns and rapidly says that a lot of people buy houses, and not as a cure for unhappiness. Seriously. Richard says he "believes in houses." Because where else would people put their stuff? And having a home makes people work harder to get more stuff. Then he says Ally is "officially a 'have' person." Well, not officially YET. But whatever, I'm such a stickler for facts and truth and reality and all that. Ally says she isn't a "have" person and will never be a "have" person. Whatever! Jon Bon Jovi pops up and says he may be there longer than he thought. Ally says that's okay. Richard asks if he came with the house. This is so tired.
Richard has the partners assembled: he wants them to paint Ally's house for her, so that when the appliances arrive tomorrow, they can be installed. Nelle asks why the firm continues to support Ally's insane ways. Corretta coughs, "Bitch!" Richard says they can't hire professionals because Ally wants her house to be "a labor of love." Nelle says she may vomit up her intestines. Corretta coughs, "Witch!" Richard will be shopping for a coat rack, since "home is a coat rack." They all roll their eyes at him. Yeah.
Jon Bon Jovi knocks and enters Ally's office. He waves his fists like a bad dancer, offering good news and bad news. Ally picks bad news first, what a shock. The plumbing shot, but the good news is, he "isn't speaking as [her] gynecologist." She'll need to replace all the pipes, but it still passes inspection. So, she needs to hire him. And is he married? She means "bonded"? Yeah, yeah he is. So, there you have it: he'll be in her house each week, until he goes into rehab or disappears, either one.
Glenn is forbidding Jenny to see the chair again. Because he's afraid she's become a "chair slut." She'll see "what furniture [she] wants, when [she] wants." He leaves, angry. She calls him a "dolt."
Ally is arguing that French Stewart has a problem, yes, but is he a criminal? The jury yells, NO! Ally goes, aha! The judge (Albert Hall, a fine, fine actor) asks that the jury not speak back to the lawyer addressing them. Hee. French got addicted to "short-term happiness -- her happiness -- and lost his way. The only reason we're here is because the gifts stopped coming." The wife's lawyer says that French violated the law, falsified documents, and only has one facial expression. Ally sighs. French squints.
The lawyers are painting Ally's house. Glenn and Jenny argue over whether you can cheat with furniture. Is a vibrator cheating? This is the argument I have to offer. It's an inanimate object. Someone yells, "Let's just paint!" Fine with me. It's fifty-four minutes in. You can paint for the remaining minutes of the episode. I'll watch paint dry for the remaining minutes. Please, just get on with it. They squabble, and Richard walks in, hollering for them to settle down. It's very Brady Bunch, but not charming. Glenn is threatened by the chair; the ladies love the chair. Richard says that if God wanted women to enjoy sex, He would have given them penises. Nelle's says that the men are threatened by the fact that Ally bought a house on her own, and that the chair is better than the men are. Richard says that since "Ally thinks metaphorically the house is her, let's slap some paint on." They grumble, and the scene ends. What, no paint fight?