Previously on Alias: Syd fell down a crevasse and go boom.
We begin this second half of the Alias series finale with a flashback to Sydney's childhood. There will be several of these flashbacks peppered throughout this episode, so you'd better get used to them. No, they really serve no purpose. Yes, they're kind of annoying. No, I don't think the writers could figure out how to end the show. Yes, I kind of want to load them onto a boat and sail them out to the middle of the Indian Ocean and tie chum to their ankles and just watch as Bruce the Shark forgoes his vow of meat abstinence and bellies up to the table with a shark-sized fork and goes to town.
But I'm not bitter.
So, anyway, flashback. Little Syd is in class with a bunch of other smartly dressed children. The teacher is going around, looking at the drawings the kids are making. Sydney's having difficulty with hers, so the teacher tells her to close her eyes and tell her the very first thing that pops into her mind when she asks her, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" We switch to the adult Sydney, lying in a pile of snow at the bottom of the crevasse. Her lips are seriously blue, and she's coated with "snowflakes." We get an aerial shot of her, and it looks like she's drifting in a swirl of foam. We hear ice creaking (thanks, closed captioning guys!) and then sirens wailing, and we head to L.A. to check in with Jack.
Jack tells Dix that Sloane's killed the twelve, and Dix remarks that Sloane's "solidifying power," whatever that means. Jack tells Dix to get Marshall and Rachel and meet up with him at the Spy Daddy Secret Storage Facility. Dix runs over to Rachel, and she's all spaced out and sad over Getty's untimely death. Dix tells her that they don't have time to mourn right now and that kind of shakes her out of it. Jack calls Sydney, but, of course, he gets no answer because Sydney's napping in a snow ditch. What, spies don't have voicemail? We hear Vaughn's voice calling her name and then see him descending from above. He runs over to her and sees that she has a large gash on her neck and lips the color of Maine blueberries. He immediately starts CPR, and we head back to the past.
Little Syd is scared of a storm outside and she's creeping around, looking for parental nurturing. Too bad she's in her own damn house, where parental nurturing is hard to come by. She comes around a corner and sees Jack, his Brown Hair of the Past firmly intact, talking to a large man in a trench coat. There are police lights flickering outside. Jack sees Little Syd and makes his way over to her. He kneels down and tells her that something's happened to her mom. As his voice cracks with emotion, he tells her about Irina's "death" and that he needs her to be strong for him right now. We then hear the adult Sydney gasping for breath and shoot back to the present where, surprise, surprise, she's not dead after all.
We fly over to what appears to be some military base where Sark, working a black turtleneck/tan leather jacket/aviator glasses combo that is doing him ALL kinds of favors, stands waiting by his car. Sloane arrives and tells him "good work" on the L.A. job. "I'm not sure 'good' is the proper word for it," snits Sark, "but thank you." Wow. That kidney-bean heart is growing by the second, y'all. Also? Loving David Anders' rather rock-n-roll hairdo he's sporting. It's all sticky-uppy and adorable. They need to give this man his own show, pronto. He's all kinds of cute.
Sark tells Sloane that he's sent a team to Mount Subasio, and Sloane says he wants to be airborne as soon as they find something. Um, didn't he just find something in the last segment? Some light or something came through the amulet, right? Why didn't he just get whatever it was and...why am I asking questions this late in the game? It's not like anyone's going to ANSWER them. Sigh. Moving on. Peyton shows up with a large silver case and Sloane asks if she made contact with their friend in Hong Kong. Peyton says she was and that "she" sends her regards. And if you didn't know right then that the "she" they're talking about is Irina, then you started drinking FAR too soon before the show started and managed to kill all your brain cells thirty seconds before this scene aired.
Sloane opens the case, and inside is a sphere surrounded by brass crisscrossing bars that have odd characters carved into them. Sloane tells Peyton to tell Irina that they have a deal and that the transports will leave as soon as they're ready. The three of them move off, with Sark making facial contortions that would suggest he's not fond of the plan they're partaking in. "Am I to understand we're still going through with this?" asks Sark. "Don't tell me you're having second thoughts," says Sloane. "Of course not," says Sark, although it's clear he kind of is. "It's just...it's not every day one gets to be part of global genocide." The huh? They enter a hangar and feast their eyes upon two ginormous missiles. What the? So...now Sloane is going to bomb some places? Or Irina is? What the hell is going on? The Horns of We Have No Idea Either, So Please Stop Asking Us take us out to the break.
After that spooky-ass Cingular commercial with all the haunted kids, we meet up with what remains of the Appleseed Gang as they attempt to hack into Langley's network. Jack surmises that Sloane will attempt to take control of Prophet Five's assets ASAP, so they should look for any unusual activities in any of their holdings. Jack's phone rings and it's Vaughn, telling him that they're in Siena and Sydney's okay. Jack tells Vaughn about the bomb and Getty. He tells them to stay put and he'll be in contact. Vaughn tells him that Sydney took a pretty big hit, but that she'll bounce back. Jack looks worried.
Sydney visits Flashbackland again, for no reason other than to wax pathetic about her mother and show us all how adept she is at that stupid phallic puzzle thing we've all seen before. Little Syd is looking at pictures of her mother. She opens up a box and pulls out a piece of the puzzle. Before you can say "Project Christmas," Syd has that thing completely put together. Jack walks in as she's finishing and asks if she did this by herself. He looks concerned. Then he sits and pulls it apart and asks her to do it again. She does. He watches her with a mixture of pride and worry. When she finishes, he tells her that what she's been playing with is actually an indicator test. "People in my line of work use it to identify people who have a highly developed sense of three-dimensional reasoning," says Jack, totally forgetting that his daughter's not a sixty-year-old astrophysicist. "Very few people can do it. I can't do it. What it means, Sydney, is, you're a very special girl." You can say THAT again.
Later on, back in the present, Syd and Vaughn are at a safe house somewhere. Sydney tells Vaughn about some missiles that disappeared from a Moscow storage facility. She thinks it's Sloane but repeats what he said back in the cave about how it's too late to stop whatever has started. Syd worries that they can't find him because they don't have a single lead and they can't trust the CIA. Vaughn tells her to shut the hell up because she almost died, and that wound isn't getting any smaller. He proceeds to stitch it shut without benefit of anesthetic. Syd barely flinches. While he stitches her up, Syd wonders aloud why Sloane would steal the missiles; especially since he just effectively eliminated Prophet Five. He controls their assets, so he wouldn't steal missiles, he would just buy them on the black market. Syd says she thinks she knows how to find him. "We start with the money."
In voiceover, Syd says that if they can hack into the system, they can figure out who the payoffs went to. Jack visits a bank and does something to a computer, enabling Marshall to hack in. Syd then says that all they need after that is phone records. Rachel accomplishes this by doing a snatch-and-grab off some bald dude. Who he is, I don't know, but perhaps he's been receiving payoffs from Sloane. "If I'm right," says Syd, "they'll lead us right to Sloane. Or, at least, someone he's been working with." Dix messes with some wires in a basement somewhere and comes up with a satellite feed that shows Peyton nonchalantly walking into an elevator. Before the doors close, a hand interrupts them and it belongs to Vaughn. He looks at Peyton like, "Ha! Gotchya!" Dix shows up and stands coolly to Vaughn. Peyton, for the first time, looks relatively nervous. Heh.
Random Warehouse of Bitches Who Really Have it Coming to Them. Peyton's strapped to a chair with a hood on her head. Dix rips it off, and she looks a wee bit scared. Syd walks up and tells her that they know she's working with Sloane and they know about the missiles. What they don't know is where they are or where they're headed. Peyton stares her down as Syd continues, "Now, I'm well aware that you're tough and that you've been conditioned to withstand torture. But I have something you don't have. I have your former best friend." Rachel walks up and simpers, "And I know what you're afraid of." That's when we hear the hiss of a snake and suddenly, Peyton starts gasping as a snake appears over her right shoulder. Syd tells her to stay extremely still as Peyton begins to panic. Heh. Awesome.
Minutes later, Syd busts out of the room and says that Peyton has no idea where the missiles are, but she does know that Sloane is planning to target two cities with high civilian concentrations. Wow. When Peyton spills it, Peyton really spills it. One little snake and girlfriend's like bloody Niagara Falls. "He's not interested in devastation," says Jack. "He plans to profit off the reconstruction. Sloane controls Prophet Five's network--communications, pharmaceuticals, finances; he'll make billions." The what? That's it? This is all about money? Man runs around the planet killing everyone in his path in order to get his hands on all things Rambaldi and it turns out that all he wants is money? That's the dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard. "It gets worse," says Syd, although I can't possibly see how it can. "Sloane's in Mongolia." She says that like it's a bad thing. Mongolia's very nice this time of year.
Mongolia. Somebody get me a sherpa and a flagon of yak's milk and get me the hell out of here. At a large encampment in the middle of Palm Desert, Sloane arrives in a Humvee. He gets out and meets with a man speaking Russian. The man says he thinks they've "found it," and Sloane walks with him into a bunker that has the Rambaldi eye symbol <0> on it. Well, that can't be good. Or maybe it's awesome. Anything that moves this plot along is fine by me. The closer we are to this mess ending the better. Oh, what? Like YOU don't feel the same? Please. Even the ACTORS think this show should've ended, like, two seasons ago. And they actually LOVE it. And Jaybrams CLEARLY thought it should have ended ages ago because he left back when shit still made sense, and he's barely returned long enough to have a piece of cheesecake down in the damn commissary. This shit is over, dudes. OVER.
And, just to remind me how over it is, we return from break for yet ANOTHER flashback; this time at Sydney's college. She's studying at a table and Francie (Hi, Francie! We missed you! Where's your black eyeliner of evilness? Oh, wait. You're good here. Never mind. Hi, Francie! Where's Will?) walks up and tells her to put on her dancing shoes because Charlie the Cheater has tickets to some new club in Silverlake. Syd can't go because she wants to be all boring and go find a job. Francie says she should be a teacher like her mom, and Syd says that teaching is her safety net, and she doesn't want to make a decision now that will affect the rest of her life. Only she totally does just that in about thirty seconds here. Before she leaves, Francie says that Charlie has a friend named "Danny" and that they'll pick her up at eight, thus ending the "establishing character relations" portion of this flashback. A man in a dark suit walks up not two seconds later and asks if he might have a moment of her time. Sure he can! As long as it involves talking about wigs and guns and overall spyliciousness! Bring it on!
Back in the present, Sydney's getting her guns ready to head to Mongolia. Rachel walks up and says that she's going to hack into the NRO so they can use their optical satellites to locate the missiles. Syd looks at her in surprise and says that Prophet Five is gone, and Rachel's family is no longer in danger; she doesn't have to do this anymore. "People have given their lives for this," says Rachel with emotion, "I'm not gonna bail on them now. I'm in this until it's over." Man, I really like her character a lot. I'm bummed that she didn't get more to do. Instead of thanking her or offering her some sort of comfort, Sydney just grits, "Of course, if we don't get Sloane, that won't be too long from now." I'm assuming she means that the end of the world is nigh or something, but that sentence was all kinds of awkward, so I'm not really sure.
We hear an explosion and some rocks get tossed at the camera lens by a couple of production assistants. An entrance appears at the back and Sloane walks through with a lamp, followed closely by Sark. "Did it have to be so filthy?" he snits. "I mean, really, if Rambaldi can prophesize the future, he might have advised me not to wear $500 shoes." HEE! Who knew Sark was such a dandy? I mean, he always looks good, but he never TALKS about how good he looks. Also? This line is a prime example of how, when the writers are on, they are fucking ON. Yeah, the storylines may sometimes suck, but lines like this are precious gems.
The group makes its way forward into the blasted area, and Sark says that structural imaging shows that there's a chamber about 200 feet below them. "That's quite a climb," says Sark, obviously worried that his $3,000 suit will get dusty. Sloane says he needn't worry; the step is for him and him alone. He picks up his case and moves forward, leaving Sark behind. He walks down some dusty steps and comes face to face with a large formally columned chamber that looks like it was pulled directly out of one of the pyramids before the lootings began. Sloane approaches a huge stone tomb and upon it is carved "MILO RAMBALDI." So, I guess Rambaldi, an Italian, was held in a Russian monastery prior to his execution, which took place in...Bangkok? Paris? Peru? And then, after he was "killed," he was buried in, of all places, Mongolia? Because...that's where Italian visionaries are buried? In Mongolian tombs?
This show has officially lost its thread.
Speaking of losing their thread, Sloane's is rapidly unraveling. He places the case with The Sphere on top of the tomb and opens it. He removes The Sphere and carries it to a small stone dais in the middle of the room. "At last," he says, breathing heavily. "After almost thirty years." He's about to place The Sphere in what I assume is its official "spot" when Dead Nadia appears in a pale pink dress to ask her father if it's everything he imagined it would be. Sloane's all, Nadia! Baby! So glad you're here! If I didn't have someone to share this with, I would have doubted my own eyes. Also? Ooogedy-boogedy! And phhhhhffffththththt! La la la la LALALALA. Man's a nutter.
"You're talking to your dead daughter," quips Dead Nadia. "This is an odd time to question your sanity." Heh. She's one of those funny dead people. Sloane finally places The Sphere in its spot, and it lights up and starts spinning like an ancient disco ball. A red light that we can't see shines above it and illuminates Sloane's whack-ass crazy face. Before we can see what it is, we head outside, where Syd and Crew are approaching. They start shooting the shit out of the attending guards and all hell breaks lose. Syd makes a beeline for the chamber.
Then we see Sloane, standing before the dais, watching as a mini-Clifford spins above The Sphere. As it spins, it drips red liquid down onto The Sphere, which seems to collect it. What the liquid is, we don't know, but I'm going with Blood of Rambaldi. With this scene on pause, by the way, I can see that The Sphere is clearly housed between two stone pieces shaped like "<>". So, with The Sphere in place, it resembles the Rambaldi eye symbol. And I went back to Season Four and found this page from a recap where Sloane beats the crap out of some bald dude for being a dilettante and then he mentions immortality and...well, methinks we should have seen this one coming, y'all. Clearly, there are two Cliffords: one for turning people into a bunch of death-eating zombies and one for making you immortal. I guess. I don't know. I promised myself I wouldn't think too much during this finale!
"So that's it?" asks Dead Nadia. "All this time, that's what you wanted?" He tells her that this is what everybody's always wanted. "And I've found it." Just then, Syd finally makes it inside and she points her gun at Sloane for the gazillionth time. "It's over, Sloane," she says as he looks at her with crazy in his eyes. Outside, Vaughn takes down another guard and is about to check to see if he's dead when Sark walks up and points a gun at his head. "Correct me if I'm wrong, Mr. Vaughn," he snits, "but aren't you supposed to be dead?" Heh. I love him. Vaughn drops his gun immediately, and Sark shoves him off to the side. He's about to make good on Vaughn's promise of being dead, but Jack shows up and points a gun at his head. Then two of Sark's guys show up and point guns at Jack's head. "Well then," says Sark. "It appears that we have a predicament." You sure do.
Back down in the chamber, Syd still has her gun pointed at Sloane. He makes a reach for The Sphere and Syd tells him to hold it right there. She looks at him. He looks at her. And then she reaches for The Sphere and grabs it while Sloane yells for her not to touch it. The second she has it in her hand, the mini-Clifford bursts open and floods the dais with blood. Bleah. "What is this, Sloane?" she asks. It's blood, Sydney. Duh. Sloane asks her not to be rash. "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't destroy this right now?" she says. "Suppose I were to give you two good reasons?" asks Sark, pulling Jack and Vaughn into the room. They both look like puppies who've peed on the carpet. Syd's expression is like, OH GREAT. I have to save your asses AGAIN? Way to get caught, MORONS.
Back with the Appleseed Gang, Marshall tells Dix that he and Rachel hacked into the NRO system to track the missiles, and they noticed that someone's trying to disable the defense satellites. Whoever this person is, they've released a virus that's eating through the entire grid. Dix assumes that it's Sloane and that he's going to strike at the U.S. Marshall pinpointed the origin of the virus to Hong Kong. Everyone moves into Peyton's torture room to find out who's in Hong Kong. Peyton doesn't answer right away. "Should I get the snake?" Marshall politely asks. Heh. "Don't..." stutters Peyton. Double heh. Peyton says that Sloane had to call in a partner in order to get The Sphere.
"Hand me The Sphere, Sydney," says Sloane, now armed with a pistol. "And I'll let you all walk out of here." Sydney's all, oh, sure. And what's to stop you from killing us all right after I hand you The Sphere? I don't think so, little man. Sloane says that despite what Syd may think, he's not heartless. Yeah, tell that to your DAUGHTER, dude. Syd says that if he wants it so much, they'll walk out of there together, and then they'll talk. Sloane knows Syd well enough to know that she's not going to give in, so he does the only thing he can think of that will get him back The Sphere. He shoots Jack.
Jack falls and Syd drops The Sphere and goes to her father as Vaughn gets rid of the guards. As Syd weeps over her fallen father, Sloane picks up The Sphere, thinking he's gotten away this time. He looks up, and Syd is looking directly at him with her gun pulled. There's a pause, then Syd empties her gun into his body, including a final shot directly in the center of his forehead. He falls back with his arms splayed like a shorter version of our lord and savior, Jesus Christ. He lands in a shallow basin in front of the dais that's filled with the flow over from mini-Clifford. It's thinner than blood, so now I have NO idea what it's supposed to be.
The Sphere rolls out of his hand and hits Sark's foot and I couldn't help but wonder if she hadn't killed him so fast, would Sloane have taken a page out of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade and told Sydney that the only way to save her father was to have him drink from The Sphere? I mean, at this point, we have no idea what The Sphere is or why it's filled with red liquid or what that liquid does. It's entirely possible that it's the key to eternal life and all she had to do was spill a bit over Jack's wounds and a little more into his mouth. I don't know. It's a good idea. NOT THAT THE WRITERS WOULD KNOW THAT.
Syd bends over her father and calls out "Dad" several times, and then we're back in the flashback zone and Syd's entering her father's house, and Jack's on the phone obviously improvising a conversation with someone about "rudder controls" because, see, he doesn't work for an airplane company, he works for the CIA! Syd hands him an envelope and asks him to open it. It appears to be money, and Syd tells him it's for her tuition. He asks if she robbed a bank, and she says "sort of." Actually, she got a job at a bank; you may have heard of it. It's called Credit Dauphine and it has really neat offices underground.
Jack, of course, knows exactly what Credit Dauphine is (and isn't) and realizes that his daughter thinks she's working for the good guys when she's really working for the bad guys. He immediately gets all bitchy with her, telling her that, since she's only been there a month, it's not too late to quit. She says she's not quitting this job, because she likes it and she's actually good at it. "God, if mom were here--" "If your MOTHER was here--" Jack yells, then stops himself. "If your mother was here, she would want you to focus on school, which is what you're going to do." Sydney says that she didn't come here to ask his permission, and she's already made her decision. Jack says it's not her decision to make. And thus a rift is born.
A rift that has been breached over the years, judging by the way Syd is now carting her shot daddy over the "hills" of "Mongolia." She and Vaughn plop Jack down and start to figure out how to fix him. His face is ashen and he's wheezing. Vaughn runs off to call Dixon for help as Syd tends to her dad. Dix orders Marshall to get on the help stuff. Syd opens up her father's jacket as Jack tells her it's just a scratch. Aw. She pulls back his shirt and reveals three very clean shots right over Jack's right lung. She starts to lose it, but catches herself so he can't see that she thinks it's fatal. He looks at her and can totally tell that it's not good. "You're gonna be okay," she says, hiding her tears by looking back for Vaughn.
Vaughn's still talking to Dix and finding out that the chopper will be arriving in a half hour. Jack totally doesn't have a half hour. Vaughn tells Dix that Sloane's dead and Sark got away and he has the artifact with him. "I think we know where he's going," says Dix. Syd tends to Jack's wounds, pressing a pad down on them and eliciting gasps from her father. Don't do that, Sydney! It hurts! Vaughn runs over and asks how Jack is doing, and Syd says she thinks the bullet penetrated his lung. "The" bullet? As if there's "one" and not "THREE"? This is the moment Vaughn chooses to share the news of the Hong Kong partner with Sydney. "We know who's behind this," says Vaughn.
We switch to a view of a white-clad elbow leaning on a chair arm. The camera travels up to a hand holding a phone to an ear as Sark says on the other end that he has the artifact and is on his way. The camera pans around and it's none other than Lena Fucking Olin holding the phone. "Good," she purrs. "See that it gets here intact." Oh, she really IS a bad mamma jamma.
After the four hundredth commercial break (for which I am eternally grateful), we return to the Hillside of Dying Daddies as Jack is getting the news that his ex-not-dead-wife is behind everything and that Sloane traded her the missiles for The Sphere. Vaughn says that Marshall's managed to access the launch protocol, but he can't shut them down. "She's in Hong Kong, preparing to strike as we speak," Vaughn finishes. "We have to stop her," says Jack. "Dad!" says Syd, practically laughing. "You're not going anywhere!" Jack orders Vaughn to ready the transport and Vaughn just does what he says. Syd pleads with Jack, telling him he's been shot in the chest and shouldn't be standing, let alone FLYING.
Sydney starts crying and losing her shit as Vaughn runs off to do Jack's bidding. Jack tries to calm her down, saying that if Irina's acquired missiles, she's for certain going to use them. This isn't a time for false threats. "You can't even stand up straight," sobs Syd, "how can you expect to confront mom?" "I'm not coming with you, Sydney," gasps Jack. Syd suddenly realizes that he intends to stay there and die. He tells her that she has to go to Hong Kong; there's no other way. She says she isn't leaving him. "You're the only one who can beat her," says Jack. "I can't," says Sydney. "You can," says Jack. "I never wanted this life for you, you know. I never wanted you to bear this kind of responsibility, but you...you were a very difficult little girl. You were far too driven...far too strong to let someone like me stop you from becoming who you are."
Syd tries to tell him that the medical team is coming and they just have to sit tight, but Jack tells her that there's no one in this world that can do the things that she can do. Vaughn arrives in a Jeep, and Jack says he can hold out until help arrives. "You have to go," he says. "You have to stop your mother." Syd finally realizes that she has to go, and she takes a minute to hover over her father and tell him to keep applying pressure, and it's very sweet and sad because it's fairly obvious that she's basically saying goodbye to her father forever. "I love you, Dad!" she sobs. "I love you, Sydney," he says quietly. Sniff. "I don't want--I don't want to leave you!" she continues sobbing! "Go!" he whispers. And finally, she does. She looks back at him from the car as he slowly makes it to his feet and stands, stoically nodding at her as if to say, "I'm just fine -- now go kill your mother." Once she leaves, he crashes to the ground. Sniff. Sniffle.
Hong Kong. Sark enters Irina's inner sanctum with the Box O' Sphere. He sets it down on a table and Irina asks if everything went according to plan. Sark says that Sydney arrived and mucked things up a bit, but other than that, yes. Everything went fine. "Sloane's dead," he says. "And we lost the tomb." But...how'd they lose the tomb? It's still there, isn't it? How can you lose a six-ton tomb filled with the remains of an old Italian guy? This makes no sense. I definitely need more alcohol. Irina asks him if the artifact is intact, and he says that it is and it's because he's damn good at his job. Irina then says that Sloane's death doesn't change their agenda, and that he needs to contact control and as soon as the defense satellites are down, he's to launch the missiles. Sark looks mildly disturbed by this but asks if she's decided on the final targets. She has. Washington and London. Sark just stares at her and then says that he'll get on it right away. He leaves and Irina smiles evilly at the Box O' Sphere.
We head out to outer space, where the global defense satellites are going up in flames and falling to the earth. Sark, in a control room, checks in with his crew to see what's up with the satellites. They tell him what's going on. He purses his lips and hesitates before saying, "Initiate the countdown." We check in with the Appleseed Gang as Marshall realizes that the launch has begun.
After more commercials (yay!), Irina finally opens up the case and fondles The Sphere. "So that's it," says Syd, entering the room. "That's The Horizon, isn't it?" Well, sure, Syd. It's The Horizon. Except that The Horizon that Irina stole back in "Maternal Instinct" seemed to be about the size of a book and about as flat, so unless The Horizon started out deflated and had to be inflated in order to receive the Red Juice of Rambaldi, I'd say that the writers had NO IDEA what The Horizon was supposed to be and had to just retrofit it into this plot line so that episodes wouldn't be totally moot. Also? Rambaldi's really fond of spheres because there was already a Sphere of Life back in Season Four and now there's another Sphere that may have been a Horizon but only if it's made of beach ball material and, honestly? I could give two fucks because obviously the writers don't. Good night and good luck.
Irina smiles at her daughter. "You shot the man I love," says Sydney. "And you betrayed my trust. You risked my daughter's life. All for that." "I don't expect you to understand," says Irina calmly. "We're very different, Sydney. You still cling to naïve ideals. I learned at a very young age, the only currency worth anything in this world is power." So that's what this is all about? Power? She and Sloane just took over Prophet Five, I'm thinking they're already pretty damn powerful. Sydney asks if The Horizon gives her power, and Irina says that Syd has never seen Rambaldi for what he is; she just dismissed his work as that of a madman. While Irina explains her motivations, we get an overhead shot of Sloane lying in the pool of Red Juice of Rambaldi. Irina says that she's spent a lifetime acquiring power, but with The Horizon, she'll never have to give it up. "Rambaldi is life, Sydney," she says, as we get another shot of Sloane. "Through him, we can live forever." And then the bullet hole in Sloane's forehead closes and he sits up. HE SITS UP. He's not dead, he's immortal. Oh, ew.
"I offered you an out," says Irina. "I gave you your daughter. I was hoping you'd settle down, leave me to my affairs." So--wait. Irina got Sydney pregnant, not Vaughn? How the hell did she work that? She really IS powerful. Syd says that her mother doesn't know her very well, and I'd have to agree with that. After all, they've only met a handful of times over the past thirty years. "Sadly, I think I do," says Irina. "After all, I'm still your mother." I don't think that argument's going to fly here, Irina. "That doesn't mean anything to me anymore," says Sydney. "I am through being disappointed by you." "I hate that it's come to this," says Irina. "I suppose it had to," says Sydney. "I've come too far to let anything stand in my way," says Irina. "Then you'll have to go through me first," grits Sydney. Oh, yeah. BRING IT ON.
Dammit. We have to go back to the PAST again. God. Sydney goes to meet with Sloane in his SD-6 office. He tells her that her reviews have been exemplary. He's considering promoting her to field officer. Syd's excited. He blabbles something at her about giving this job the proper consideration and how she has a romantic notion of espionage and how she will be facing life and death situations and how she'll be making decisions that will haunt her for the rest of her life. "This job requires sacrifice," he says. "And you need to know that you are able to live with that." "I can, sir," says Sydney. "For as long as I can remember, I have been searching for what I'm supposed to do, what I'm supposed to be. This is my purpose. It's in my blood. It's who I am. I have never been so sure of anything in my life."
Glad you're sure of it, Sydney, because you're about to engage in the mother of all fights with...your mother.
Back in the present, Syd goes flying into a wall, leaving a Sydney-sized dent in it. She lands on the floor, and immediately, Irina's on top of her, strangling her with some wire. She struggles and jerks, and Irina pulls her back and slams her into some glass, which conveniently shatters so that Sydney can pick up a shard and stab her mother in the knee with it. Irina smacks her daughter hard and slams her down onto a table, pulling the shard out of her knee and making as if to stab Sydney in the throat with it. Syd manages to keep her from doing this and, at the last minute, she grabs The Horizon and hits her mother in the side of the head with it. They both stand, and Syd lunges at Irina and they go flying through a window, landing several feet below on a patio.
They both struggle to find their breath and get their fighting stances back. "Why are you fighting me on this?" asks Irina. "The defense satellites are destroyed." Syd looks up in the sky and sees the flaming satellites flying through the sky. "The stars will fall from the sky," whispers Syd. "Even if you manage to beat me on this rooftop," says Irina, "it's still too late to stop the launch." Syd looks over at her mother. "You think I came here alone?" Heh.
We cut to Sark, staring at the monitors in the control room. One of his lackeys tells him that they're ready for final preparations, and Sark says to proceed. Suddenly, all of the equipment goes dark. Sark's all, what the? And then Vaughn cracks him in the face with is elbow. Hee. He slams Sark's head into one of the desks and Sark goes down, his expensive silk suit still looking fabulous. Vaughn points his gun at Sark and says, "It appears we have a predicament." Heh. Nice one, Vaughn.
Back with DeadAlive Sloane, Dead Nadia arrives to tell Sloane that he finally did it and that he was right all along. He tells her that he will never forget her sacrifice. That's very well and good, Sloane, considering that she didn't GIVE of that sacrifice WILLINGLY. Asshole. He stands and tells her that The Horizon is gone, and that Irina is probably dividing up his spoils as they speak. "Then we should get moving," she says, turning to go. "We don't have to hurry anymore, Nadia," he says. "We have ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD." Everybody drink! Jack appears in place of Dead Nadia, the Bristow Look of Steely Determination™ on his face. Uh-oh. Spy Daddy looks pissed.
Meanwhile, Vaughn's ordering Sark to give him the override codes. Sark says he doesn't have them. So Vaughn shoots his leg. "AH!" screams Sark. "You shot me!" Hee. "Yeah," says Vaughn with a smile. "And I'll keep shooting you until you either give me the codes or bleed to death. Your choice." Heh. Vaughn's all badass now. Sark writhes around on the floor for a second or two before saying that he didn't want any of this. "Mass extermination isn't exactly my passion, Michael! I'm a businessman. You know? I simply wanted to come out on the winning end. Vaughn readies his gun. Sark winces and says that he'll give him the codes, but Vaughn will have to let him go after he hands them over. "Codes first, then we negotiate," says Vaughn. Sark obviously decides to hand them over because the thing we know, Vaughn's on the phone to Marshall, giving him the codes. The missiles are effectively stopped. The world is saved.
Unfortunately, Irina's still alive.
She and Sydney struggle to get to their feet, and Irina says that she can't afford to have Sydney be such a complication in her life any longer. Irina knocks Sydney back down to the ground and says, "For what it's worth, I truly do love you." She has an odd way of showing it. She smacks Sydney again and is about to move in for the kill, when Sydney reaches deep inside herself and discovers a teeny tiny can of whup ass. She kicks Irina in the stomach and then delivers a spin kick, knocking Irina back onto a glass skylight. The glass slowly starts to crack.
We head back to check in on Jack and Sloane. Jack's leaning against a column, smiling quietly at his old nemesis/best buddy. Jack apologizes to Sloane for never giving his faith in Rambaldi the credit it deserved. Sloane says that he didn't want to shoot Jack, but Sydney forced his hand. "Yes," says Jack. "She can be very stubborn at times." "You're dying," says Sloane. "I can help you." Ah-ha. So here's the part where he wants him to drink from the Holy Grail of Rambaldi Juice. But Jack's not having any of it. "I don't want you help, Arvin," he snots. "You've caused my daughter...so much pain. I could have prevented it. I won't continue to make that mistake." "I think you've overestimated your position, Jack," says Sloane. "You can't hurt me anymore." "True," says Jack, with a smile. "But I can keep you down here with me." Oh, no. Jack reveals that he has a string of plastic explosives in one hand and a detonator in the other. "What are you doing?" asks Sloane with panic in his voice. "You beat death, Arvin," smiles Jack. "But you couldn't beat me." BOOM! Oh holy god. They killed Spy Daddy!
Back with Sydney and Irina "Skating on Thin Ice" Derevko, the glass is still creaking and splitting and Syd is telling her mother that she needs to come back because the glass won't hold her. Oh, let her die, Sydney! She just tried to kill you! In fact, she's tried to kill you PLENTY of times! Including right after you were BORN. Let the bitch die. I mean, I love her and everything, but can you honestly say that Sydney shouldn't just kill the woman and get it over with? Or is this one of those occasions where someone falls on a knife so that Syd doesn't actually have to be responsible for their death? I hate those occasions.
Anyway, Irina tries to move, but the glass starts splitting again, some more, and Syd begs her mother to give her her hand so she can save her, although why she wants to do THAT I can't fucking imagine, and Irina totally ignores her because she sees The Horizon almost within reach and this entire closing moment is RIGHT out of Last Crusade, only it's the child who's pleading with the parent to let it go. Irina can't let it go, however, and she gets her hand on The Horizon, only to have the glass crack beneath her. She falls to her death. Sydney is now an orphan. Vaughn comes out onto the roof and takes Sydney in his arms. They hug as the Vaughn and Sydney Forever love theme plays over the soundtrack.
As the satellite "stars" continue to fall from the sky, we check in with Sloane, who is calling out for Nadia as the dust of Jack's explosion settles around him. He doesn't seem to be able to move and soon we realize why: he's trapped under a portion of Rambaldi's tomb. Nadia approaches as Sloane tells her that he can't move. She says she can't help him. But, as he said, he has all the time in the world. He can figure out a way to free himself while he's down there all living for eternity and shit. "Well, at least you're here with me," he says. "No," she whispers, leaving him alone with his eternal life. Oh ho ho. That is just the BEST ending ever for him. It's like that saying, "Careful what you wish for, for you will surely get it." Rest in peace, Sloane. FOREVER.
We leave Sloane to enjoy eternity in his tomb and travel over to some beach where a pretty little girl is building a sand castle. I think we're supposed to assume this is Little Syd again, but it's not the same actress, so that idea is quickly erased. Suddenly, her eyes light up and she calls, "Daddy!" Vaughn appears in the doorway in a rumpled blue oxford. Sigh. I will miss that. He looks out at the surf and sees Dixon, making his way toward the house. "Uncle Dixon!" shouts Isabelle. Aw. She flings herself into his arms and they hug. Vaughn makes his way out to Dix on the sand and says, "Deputy Director!" "Please," says Dixon. "This far out from Langley...you can just call me 'sir'." Heh. They hug and Vaughn asks if he had a hard time finding the house. "Are you kidding?" says Dixon. "I had an impossible time finding this place." "Well, I guess that's sort of the point," says Vaughn. So they're in hiding, I guess.
Syd comes out on the porch and she's holding a rather large baby boy with an amazing head of black hair. She kisses Dixon hello and introduces him to Jack, her son. They smile at each other, and Dix tells them that Marshall sends his best and would have tagged along, but Carrie's on bed rest. "Another baby?" says Syd incredulously. "I don't know how she does it." "This makes four," says Dix. "All boys." Oh, poor Carrie. I don't think she signed up for a bunch of little Marshalls running around. Syd invites Dix inside and Vaughn asks Isabelle to finish unpacking her toys like she promised to. Isabelle runs off.
Syd pours them some lemonade and asks Dix if this is purely a social call. Dix shoots a glance at Vaughn and fesses up that he could use some field assistance. He needs someone to intercept a bad guy and retrieve a hard drive. Syd asks why he can't put Rachel on it. Dix says she's on deep cover assignment in Santiago and he can't risk pulling her. Nice to know that Rachel's still on the job. "Besides," he says, "this job has sentimental value." He opens up a folder and shows her a picture of Sark. "Sark," snits Vaughn. "Don't look at me," smiles Syd. "You're the one that let him go." Ouch.
We head to Isabelle's bedroom where she's unpacking boxes. It looks like she's unpacking a box she's not supposed to, though, because she has a sneaky look on her face. We go back to the living room as Dixon tries to convince Sydney to take the job. "Who knows?" he says. "It could be fun." "That's what you say every time you show up on my doorstep," she retorts. "The thing you know I'm jumping over canals in three-inch-heels while napalm explodes around me." What, and that's not fun? "That's how I define fun," says Dix. Heh. Vaughn says they should finish this conversation after dinner, effectively ending the discussion. Everyone stands and Sydney calls for Isabelle.
Isabelle looks down at something, and we hear her doing something with her hands. Sydney calls again and says that they're going for a walk. Isabelle stops what she's doing and we see that she's just built the Indicator puzzle, just like her mother did all those years ago. Why her mother is keeping the damn thing around the house when it caused her so much pain is a mystery to me, but Isabelle knocks it over and runs after her parents. "Hey, what've you been doing back there?" asks Sydney when Isabelle catches up to her. "Nothing, mom," says Isabelle, possibly indicating that she wants nothing to do with the spy world and will live a normal and happy life, just as Sydney wants her to.
Sydney, Dix, Vaughn, Isabelle and baby Jack stroll happily down the beach as this series finally draws to a close.
"Thank you for five incredible years," reads a final placard.
on Alias: Nothing.
Sydney, Dix, Vaughn, Isabelle and baby Jack stroll happily down the beach as this series finally draws to a close.
"Thank you for five incredible years," reads a final placard.
on Alias: Nothing.