Previously on Alias: Vaughn was alive. ALIIIIIIVVVVEEE.
First, kudos and crescendos to the one and only Marabet, for providing me with a detailed recap of the first five minutes of this episode. There was a "major" storm in Charleston, and it began precisely about the time that the "previouslys" were supposed to be showing up on my television. However, this "major" storm had all the news stations in a tizzy, because South Carolina's version of "major," when it's not hurricane season, involves some dark skies and...RAIN. Yeah. I know. Bitches should try living in the Midwest during January. A Chicagoan's idea of a "major" storm involves sleet, ice, snow, no electricity, no heat, temperatures thirty degrees below zero and a pantry full of vodka. I know it's no hurricane season, but still. Damn.
At any rate, thanks, Marabet. And enjoy that case of Pimms I just sent your way. It's best with pink champagne...
We begin in Minsk, where a car is pulling up to a darkened mansion. A guy with a bag over his head is guided out of the car. The bag's removed and it's none other than Arvin Sloane, looking none too pleased at the serious damage done to his already hideous hedgehog hairdo (I'm guessing here). Angus McFatten is there and he apologizes for Sloane's method of transport, saying it was all for the benefit of discretion. Sloane bitches that he's not in a position to disappear for an extended period of time without people suspecting something, so a little advanced warning would have been appreciated. "Yes," smirks Angus, "but then, that would spoil the fun. Also, do you have any snacks? I'm feeling a might peckish after my seven-course dinner."
Angus leads Sloane into the house and then says that they have some business that requires Sloane's attention and that they'll have him back in Los Angeles before anyone even notices he's missing. "It's not your timetable that concerns me, [Angus]," snits Sloane. "It's your manners." Angus just says, "Here you are," and then stops and stands in front of a guarded door. Sloane looks at him in mild surprise. "You're not joining us?" he asks. Angus just says that "the twelve" are waiting for Sloane inside. "You're not allowed in that room, are you?" asks Sloane with a twisted expression on his face. Angus is all, "Um...not really. I mean, I could go in there, I choose not too. I'm not hung up on this completion thing. Also? Do ye have fifty cents for the vending machine? I could really use a wee Twix bar." Sloane, clearly enjoying the unexpected lackey position that Angus has now assumed, slings off his coat and throws it to McFatten, who just takes it and walks off, his perma-smirk suddenly absent from his Scottish mug. Awesome.
Sloane enters the room and comes upon a group of twelve old guys I've never seen before. One of the guys steps forward and says that they've been admirers of his for quite some time, and they'd like to thank him for all the work he's done so far on their behalf. Sloane's like, uh, yeah, about that? Not sure I had so much choice, homes. Can we get to the point already? Some other old dude says that Sloane always had a choice, and then he hands over a recent medical report on Nadia. The old guys offer Sloane the chance to cure Nadia permanently if he performs one final assignment for them. Sloane's all, yeah, tell it to someone who gives a shit, Dirty Dozen. You keep promising to cure her and then it's all, one more job! Wait, just one more! No, wait, this is the last one! Promise! How about guaranteeing me that this time, YOU WON'T PULL THAT SHIT AGAIN?
Yet another old guy steps forward and he and his rather impressive head of hair tell Sloane that they wouldn't show him their faces if they intended to keep him subservient. "We have a job for you," says Big Hair. "You'll keep your eye on the endgame, as you always have, because the moment this assignment is over, we'll give you back your daughter." Sloane considers this for a second and then he angrily hisses, "What exactly do you want me to do?"
We don't get to find out quite yet because we have to head off to the Fake Prison of Resurrected Characters. Peyton's being escorted to a cell by a guard who informs her that the prisoner they're about to see is one of the most dangerous and violent prisoners they have, and he's concerned for her safety. I'm concerned for her safety too because Amy Acker's about the size of one of Gina Torres's well-shaped thighs and as bad-ass as Peyton wants to be, she's no match for the Amazonian strength of Anna Espinosa. Because, yes, that's who's sitting in the cell Peyton's just entered.
Peyton rather reedily starts off by explaining that she works for an independent organization that's interested in retaining Anna's services and Anna just snarls, "Get out of my cell." I'd get out if I were you, Peyton. Girlfriend looks rough. "If I'm interrupting your busy schedule of invasive interrogation," snits Peyton, "I do apologize." Heh. What she lacks in brute strength, she more than makes up for in snotty intelligence. She goes on to say that the prison Anna's being housed in doesn't exist on government record and she's being held without charge, which means she doesn't exist anymore. Peyton offers her the chance to leave the prison, no strings attached, as long as she agrees to undergo a long-term deep undercover assignment. "I told you," says Anna, unfurling her long body off the bench, "to get out of my cell. Which means, if you don't take your skinny little ass back down that hallway, you won't exist anymore either." While Peyton does look mildly afraid of Anna, she manages to maintain her composure and inform her that she's offering her the chance to get back at the person who put her in the prison. "I'm offering you the chance to destroy Sydney Bristow." Now this? This, Anna could get behind!
Barbie's Big-Ass Baby Penthouse. Syd's putting little Isabelle to sleep and when I say "little" I mean, "approximately the size of a Toyota Tercel" because THIS IS A BIG BABY. Especially since she's only supposed to be four weeks old. She's not only more than four weeks old, she's legal to vote and has a 401K already! Gargantuan baby is what I'm saying. Syd finally puts her immense child into her crib and suddenly there's a clatter from the other room.
We switch to Spy Daddy, apparently flinging knives all over the place in an effort to baby-proof the house. Sydney runs out all, DAD DON'T WAKE THE BABY. Jack looks at her and says, "I knocked them over when I was trying to put them in the cupboard--Sydney, you do not leave edged weapons within the reach of children." He's so perturbed. It's so funny. "She's four weeks old, Dad," says Sydney. No, she's not, Sydney. NO SHE'S NOT. "Particularly young Bristow women," snaps Jack, all worried brow and grandfatherly concern. Hee. "She can't even hold her head up," deadpans Syd. "I think we're safe." She can too, Sydney! SHE CAN TOO. Child's entering Harvard in the fall, sister-woman, WAKE UP. Isabelle's such a Rambaby.
After the hilarity that is Grandpa Bristow and the Knives of Calamity, Syd and Jack get down to business, which is: what has anyone found out about Irina? Syd wants to task Echelon with Irina's known aliases, and Jack says it's already been tasked. Syd asks about Prophet Five's activity, and Jack says there hasn't been any activity noted. Syd's suspicious; Irina dealt Prophet Five a significant blow when she stole The Horizon. She continues nattering on about P5 and Irina until finally Jack is all, sweetie? How 'bout trying to enjoy your time away from the office with your enormous baby daughter? "As soon as the affairs of the world require your attention," Jack says, with a note of fatherly humor in his voice, "I'll let you know." Hee.
Welcome to the Prophet Five Pleasuredome. Sloane's just finished perusing a leather-bound folder that contains his final assignment. He says that he needs assurances that Sydney Bristow won't be harmed. The old guys are all, the huh? We don't want you to kill her, dude! We just want you to somehow get her to meet up with Anna Banana so that we can melt down her skin or something so that we can get her DNA even though we had her on that ship the whole time and it never, um, occurred to us to get her DNA then, okay? Sloane's all, yeah, uh, I think you're overestimating my ability to influence her; girl's been onto my shit since before she knew I was a bad guy. The old guys are all, dude, you can do this. Sloane's all, dudes? She's at home, caring for her grad student baby Isabelle. I can't task her to re-enter the field and follow orders. "She'd need--" "Incentive," Big Hair pipes up. "We think you'll find, Arvin, that it won't be as difficult to get Ms. Bristow into the field as you imagine."
And with that, we head off to Casa de Willage, just as Anna Banana is pulling up out front in her big-ass SUV. She knocks on the door and Will answers. Will! WILL! Hi, pretty! Ahem. Excuse me. Will looks at Anna like she's the stranger he thinks she is and Anna holds up a badge and tells him that she's from CIA witness security and that his cover may have been compromised. Will pretends like he doesn't know what she's talking about, but he's kind of a bad liar. Not that we care because PRETTY. "Something's happened to Sydney Bristow," says Anna. Will immediately invites her in. No, Will! That's how the vampire gets its power! Once inside, Anna immediately notices candles on the table and place settings for two people. She asks if someone else is in the house and Will says no, but he is expecting someone. And Anna turns and shoots an electric taser thingy at him and he drops like a sack of dead gerbils. He writhes on the ground for a minute before Anna gets on her phone and tells someone on the other end that she has him.
And now is the time on Alias when we watch the commercial for Mission: Impossible III and wonder, "Haven't we seen half of those scenes somewhere before?" Also? Shut up, Tom Cruise. And in case I forget to say it later: shut up. Oh, and Scientologists? Before you even TRY and slap a lawsuit on me for saying shut up, shut up. You heard me. Shut up.
Apple Store. Jack and Sloane are filling Sydney in on Will's abduction. The second Sydney sees that Anna was responsible, she gets royally pissed off. Jack mentions that the government had no idea that Anna had been sprung, so this means that some high-level people were involved with her escape. The CIA's launched a full-scale investigation. Yeah. Because they're so good at catching people in their own organization doing bad stuff. Sydney doesn't trust anyone else to handle the situation, and Sloane is like, dude, we're not asking you to end your leave, even though he knows full well that Syd is totally going to end her leave to go after her buddy. Jack and Sloane yammer some info at her about how Anna's going to reveal herself soon enough and they'll catch her, but it's really pointless because Syd's totally going to end her leave to go after her buddy. There's a moment of weird awkward silence and Syd finally says that...she's going to end her leave to go after her buddy. Because, duh. "As of this moment," she says, "I'm back." Did I mention the duh? The Horns of Yes, We Knew You'd End Your Leave to Go After Your Buddy take us into the scene.
Which, fortunately, is of Will. Unfortunately, it's of Will, strapped to a chair, all beat up and shit. And he's not even awake. Well, that's a buzzkill. Michael Massee comes up behind Will and he's holding a rather large gun in his right hand. He asks Peyton to hold Will's head steady. She does so. And then Dr. Funboy shoves the tip of the gun into the base of Will's skull (major snaps and applause for the Foley dudes because the sound of that? NASTY) and fires something into his brain. Gross. Peyton drops Will's head like it's covered in leeches, and then Dr. Funboy informs her that Will should be awake soon. And with a remarkable migraine too. Peyton says she'll tell Anna to make the call.
Apple Store. Sloane's playing back a recorded conversation for Sydney. The conversation is between Anna and a Russian named Semanko with whom she's setting up a meeting. Sloane tells Sydney and her team that they're to infiltrate the club where the meeting is taking place. Syd says that it's doubtful they'll be able to just waltz in the door, and Sloane tells her they'll have an insertion scenario in place for her upon her arrival. The doorbell rings, and Syd tells Sloane she has to go because the babysitters are here.
And here comes one of the funniest scenes in this episode, if not this entire series.
Syd opens the front door and two men are standing on her doorstep: Agents Rance and Dalton. They're Jack's personal emissaries, apparently, and they're here to take care of Gigantor--erm, I mean, "Isabelle." They enter and Rance (who's played by Sterling K. Brown, the bulimic cop from the short-lived but totally fab Starved) flips open his briefcase, which is filled with odd gadgets and gizmos and...a rattle? Hee. Also "hee" is the conversation that takes place between Rance and Syd here.
"It's my understanding that Isabelle is approaching five weeks in age?" asks Rance in his best Joe Friday voice. "Yes," says Syd, glowing happily. "I would imagine you have a healthy amount of separation anxiety towards leaving your daughter?" Rance fires off. "Yeah, I do, yeah," stutters Syd. "In addition to our field officer training," says Rance, "Agent Dalton and I are both fully trained in infant development, including emergency care." Syd looks at him like, "Are you kidding with this shit?" Rance goes on to ask if it'd be okay if they went through the house and baby-proofed it, top to bottom. He then rattles off a list of the stuff they'll take care of: socket protectors, safety latches, gates for the stairs...spread-spectrum R.F. protectors, perimeter sensors, explosive sniffers; you know, the usual stuff. Hee. "Ooookay..." says Syd. Suddenly, Isabelle cries and Syd looks off at the sound of it. Rance says that this might be a good time to meet the baby, and they walk off to see Gigantor.
Once in the room, Syd nervously attends to her daughter, whose newborn-ish cries are obviously piped in over the sound system. Syd says that sometimes, Isabelle just likes to cry. "It can take her awhile to calm down," she says, "you just have to be patient." "May I?" asks Rance. Syd hands the baby to him and she shuts up immediately. Heh. Syd kind of looks at him like, "My baby likes you more than me!" Hee. Rance asks if her current assignment is short-term, and Syd says it is; hopefully, Isabelle won't even know she's gone. Rance says that no, she'll probably know, seeing as the mother-child bond is impossible to replicate. "Even by Agent Dalton and myself," he says. HAHAHA. Okay, can I get a show of hands for how many of you would pay good money to see a five-minute short film of Dalton and Rance babysitting Isabelle? Hell, I'd fork over a ten-spot for that action.
Rance says that he and Dalton will keep Isabelle safe and secure until Sydney returns, and then he hands the baby back over to her mother so that they can say goodbye. Syd then attempts to have a conversation with her at-least-four-month-old-baby while the child in question is far more interested in whatever stuffed animal seems to be lolling about in her crib. No, really. Jennifer Garner's trying to give a speech about how she doesn't want to leave but she has to so that she can make the world a safer place for Isabelle and everyone else and Isabelle's all, "FUZZY. FUZZY. PINK. WANNA WANNA WANNA. FUZZY. KITTY! BUNNY! GOOGLY. AND GOO." People, this is reason #4,562 why you should never work with babies or puppies. "Mama's gotta go to work," Syd thankfully finishes as Isabelle ponders the existence of life beyond the crib mobile.
Moscow. We're at the hip hop happenin' Russian club where Anna's meeting is supposed to take place. Dixon and Rachel are in line, waiting to get in, and both of them are kind of bopping their heads along with the killer tune ("Rapture Riders" by Blondie & The Doors) that's playing. It's really cute because Dixon's all cool head tapping and Rachel's kind of tossing her boobs around and swinging her head while pouting her lips. Heh. Up on a roof in the distance, Syd slinks around a corner wearing a red leather jacket and an even redder wig. Kick. Ass. She whips out a large gun with a scope on top and takes aim at the club roof across the way. Syd tells Marshall she's in place, and then she asks Getty what it's like down on the ground. He tells her security's pretty tight; A-list only. "I'm on it," says Syd, taking aim and firing. She hooks up a roller thingy to the zip line she's just shot across and anchored to the roof, and then she zips over in her fabulous red coat. Sigh. Just like old times.
Once there, Syd tells Marshall she's on the roof and then heads over to an electrical box, where she does some shit with a gadget or something. Marshall is then able to access the network and add Dix, Getty and Rachel to the A-list downstairs. They all enter without issue while up on the roof, Syd comes across a guard that she needs to get past. She tells Dix she's going to need a distraction and he comes through for her by immediately grabbing someone's drink and acting like a drunken asshole. He starts a fight with someone, and the guards are upon him instantly. One of them calls in Syd's guard, and he leaves, so she's free to enter the building.
The club is full of nubile young things half-dressed in the latest slutty fashions, but not one of them is as hot as Syd in her...double-layered tank top? Well, she is working the breast-feeding boobs, so I guess she's got that going for her, which is nice. Syd tells Rachel that she's in, and Rachel and her adorably perky hairdo put on a pair of shiny glasses and say, "Alright, let's find our boy." Getty and Syd put on matching pairs of the same glasses. Getty, Syd, and Rachel start scanning the crowd so that Marshall can get a read on the one dude in the room who has tons of cash on him; Semanko is apparently going to be making a large payment.
Syd steps up to the bar, and some short hairy dude walks up and asks if he can buy her a drink. Syd scans him and Marshall immediately tells her that the guy has to nothing on him so Syd scares him off by saying that alcohol isn't good for breast-feeding. The guy runs off like his ass is on fire. Rachel scans the room and a big guy passes by her. Marshall sees a gun on the dude and tells Rachel to keep watching him. She follows him with her eyes and discovers three guys with guns and one guy with a hefty amount of cash strapped to his chest. That's Semanko. Syd tells Rachel to keep Semanko busy so that she can plant a sensor on him. Rachel walks up and smacks right into him like he's a big set of doors. She pretends to be pissed at him for knocking into her, and he throws some sweet-talk her way as she lobs back a flirt or two. Finally, Getty barrels up and grabs her and says something in Dutch as Syd sneaks past and sticks the sensor to the back of Semanko's shirt collar. Rachel fires back some Dutch at Getty and punctuates it with a face-smack and storms off. Heh. Syd makes it safely past as Getty says, "My apologies. My wife...she is...a bit of a whore." HAHAHA. Hee. Hee hee.
Syd monitors Semanko's movements and tells Marshall to make sure the support teams are in place so that they can extract Will ASAP. Semanko meets up with Anna and they discuss Will's location, and Anna says very clearly that he's in Room 147. Duh. What, you were expecting Room 221 or something? Syd heads off to get Will as Rachel and Getty get stopped by some large Russian men. She crashes into Room 147 and Will looks up at her helplessly. She asks if he's okay, but he doesn't have a chance to answer because Anna enters and kicks Syd in the face. D'oh! And then they fight. In a remote room somewhere, Dr. Funboy and Peyton are monitoring the action in Room 147. "How good's your operative?" asks Dr. Funboy. "We'll find out soon enough," says Peyton. "Although, really, how good does she have to be to slice open Sydney's arm in order for us to remotely extract her DNA somehow because we weren't really thinking clearly back when Syd was on the big boat in the middle of nowhere and we could have sucked the DNA right out of her bone marrow if we'd wanted to? Also? Can't you get DNA from a hair follicle nowadays? Or, you know, saliva? Or cheek cells? What?" "Honey," says Dr. Funboy, "you need to stick to decaf."
Anna and Syd continue fighting, and Anna slices Syd's upper arm. "Begin data capture!" snaps Dr. Funboy. A sensor in the fighting room shoots an invisible light at Syd's arm and begins...capturing data, I guess. Will struggles to get out of his Chair of Ineptitude. Anna grabs Syd and holds her still so that the sensor can continue capturing data. Will struggles again. Some more. Anna gets Syd down on the ground and is about to stick her knife right in Syd's eye when Will finally frees himself and begins to kick Anna's ass. Awwww yeah. I likes me some Bradley Cooper, but I seriously likes me some Bradley Cooper kicking ASS. He punches her and kicks her, and it's totally dirty fighting, AND I LOVE IT, and finally he punches her hard across the face, and she goes flailing backwards into the window. Syd gets up and asks Will how he learned to do that and Will hilariously says, all casual-like, "Oh, you know, I've just been taking some Krav Maga classes--" HA! Anna gets up with a chair in her hands and, instead of throwing it at them, she throws it at the window and jumps out. Dr. Funboy looks at what he has on his screen and tells Peyton that they have exactly what they need. Whatever that is.
Plane of Revelations. Syd is swabbing up Will's head and asking him if Anna's people interrogated him. He says they didn't. No shit, dude. They plugged something into your skull; they weren't really interested in asking questions. He asks if it's safe to make a call. "I should probably let my fiancée know I'm okay," he says. "Did you just say 'fiancée'?" asks Syd. Will feigns surprise all, oh, did I? I suppose I must have. How silly of me. Syd beams at him, and Will sheepishly mentions the painter he told her about during Season Three, and how Syd had told him to ask her out so he finally asked her out. Syd's totally happy for him, and he says that he hadn't asked her to marry him yet, but that he'd been planning on asking her last night but then Anna showed up and tasered him and stuck a bomb in his brain.
But I'm getting ahead of myself.
Will's pretty sure the painter would've said yes if he'd asked her, and Syd comments, "How can you be marrying a girl I haven't even met yet?" "Well, you know," says Will, "I think the government-mandated isolation might have something to do with it." Hee. LOVE WILL. Will asks what's going on with her and Syd says that, for starters, she has a huge baby girl. Will can't believe it. "Who's the father?" he asks. "Vaughn," she says. And Will gets this momentary hangdog look about him that I attribute to him thinking that, perhaps, their little tryst back in Warsaw created more than just awkward morning-after tension. But he quickly recovers and is immediately happy for her and says, "Of course. You guys finally ended up together." Aw.
Syd gets this sad look on her face and we switch to the Apple Store as Syd says to Jack, "I hate lying to him. He's my best friend and I can't even tell him the truth." They're watching as Dix, Will and Marshall shoot the shit in the distance. "You should've seen Will's face when I told him Vaughn was dead," she says. "Sydney," says Jack, "the only way to ensure Vaughn's safety is to keep his existence a secret." Okay. Well. I guess that answers THAT question. So Syd and Jack were behind Vaughn's fake death from gazillions of bullet wounds. I mean, he still actually HAD the gazillions of bullet wounds, he just didn't DIE from them. Oh ho no. He lived through that, only to have Jack feed him some Rambaldi Romeo juice or something, and he conked out, and Syd spent most of the first part of this season running around and crying and avenging her fiancé's non-death. Could we -- and I don't believe I'm speaking for just myself here -- at some point maybe get the entire sequence of events that led up to Vaughn copping a squat up in the Himalayas with a bunch of scrubby nag champa-smelling monks? I'm not asking for much, you understand. Just, say, a minute or two COMMITTED TO FILM so that I don't have to spend the remainder of this season going, "Way to fucking ret-con everything up, WRITERS."
Thank you.
So, whatever, Jack and Syd are responsible for keeping Vaughn alive and hidden. Jack says their absolute vigilance to keeping the truth hidden is the only key to Vaughn's continued survival. Will's abduction underscores the importance of this. "You think Prophet Five had something to do with Will's abduction?" asks Syd. No, duh, Sydney. Actually, Sark was behind it and his little dog Toto, too! Jack says there's no logical reason why anyone would abduct Will unless they were trying to get to Sydney. Oh, don't bring logic into this, Jack; you'll only sprain something.
Dr. Funboy's House of Double Helixes. Angus McFatten is strolling down a corridor lined with several computers with spinning helixes on their screens. He's on the phone, commending Sloane on a job well done. Sloane wants to know what the hell is going on and what Prophet Five's complete plan is. Angus tells Sloane that all he needs to do is task his team accordingly when he, Angus, gives him the signal. "And what, exactly, is the signal?" asks Sloane. "Believe me," says Angus, "you'll know." He gets off the phone, and I have the TiVo paused at a spot in which Michael Massee is turning to look at Angus Macfadyen and HE IS LOOKING RIGHT AT ME. Gah. Ooogedy boogedy. Dude's a damn boogyman, y'all. Shiver. Angus and Dr. Funboy turn to look through the glass at Anna, who's standing there motionless, being scanned or something. Can you guess where this is going? Huh? CAN YOU?
Barbie's Big-Ass Baby Penthouse. Sydney's introducing Will to her behemoth of a baby. He says that she's beautiful and Sydney thanks him. Rance enters and asks if she wants them to stay on duty, but she says they can go home. "Wanna hold her?" Syd asks Will. "Really?" he gushes. "Okay!" Hee. He hefts her into his arms, and he actually kind of goes, "Oh!" like she's really heavy or something, and now they're not even trying to pretend that this child is four weeks old because Isabelle is clearly sitting upright in Will's arms and her head is not only unsupported, it's doing calculus without a damn calculator. She has a damn fine pair of adorably chubby cheeks, though.
Will says that he's her Uncle Will, and Sydney ruins the moment by mentioning that Prophet Five probably took him to get at her and he makes this hilarious face at the baby and she is LOVING him right now and says, "Well, yeah, I didn't think they were trying to get at all the Lakers statistics I have in my head." Hee. Syd throws a wee little pity party for herself and says that she's sorry that being a part of her life brings danger to the people she loves. Will pshaws all over this, saying that life is better because she's in it. Suddenly, the security system that's turned on in the house starts sounding alarms. Rance and Dalton come into the room with their guns pointed and instruct Will to release the baby. Isabelle's chubby cheeks are all, "Who're the jackasses with the guns?" Syd takes the baby away from Will, and Rance throws him up against the wall and runs a sensor over him, stopping at the base of his skull as an alarm bleats rapidly.
Apple Store. Marshall geeks some stuff about microdermal base charges and skull and head and huh? And Will is channeling me as he says, "So--what? What does that mean?" "It means," says Marshall, "they put a bomb in your head." "WHAT?" says Will. Heh. I'm sorry. It was funny. Marshall says the good news is that the charge is small enough that the blast wouldn't do much damage to the immediate area. Oh, except for the area IN HIS HEAD. Syd asks how they get it out of him and Marshall says that they could try and surgically remove it, but there's a chance that it could go boom. Will gets all stressed and Syd tells him to calm down and Will is like, YOU calm down! Is there a bomb in YOUR head? Suddenly, there's a beeping and Will jumps and Marshall jumps and everyone gets these hilarious looks on their faces and...it's just Will's phone. Ron Rifkin's reaction is particularly humorous in this moment.
Will pulls out his phone and wonders if he should answer it or not, and finally he just hands it to Sydney, and she's all, "Will's phone!" and it's Anna Banana and she wants Sydney and crew to know that she has some demands, now that she has their attention. Marshall puts the phone on speaker as Anna tells Sydney that she wants her to get her hands on Rambaldi's Page 47 and bring it onto a train in Portugal that's headed for Madrid. Oh, and she has to come alone. Once Anna has the manuscript, she'll give Sydney the deactivation codes for the bomb. Any deviation from the plan and Anna blows up Will's head. Dix runs off to get Page 47 from the DSR as everyone wonders what the hell Anna would want with it. "Uh, guys?" Rachel asks. "Who's Rambaldi?"
Well, Rachel, if you really must ask...oh, hell. I'm not linking to all that shit. We'll be here all night. Sloane sums up for us that Milo Rambaldi was a 15th century inventor and visionary who had an uncanny ability to predict the future. "Is that...Sydney?" Rachel asks warily, referring to the large Page 47 standing up in the middle of the table. "Not exactly," says Syd. "There are people who believe it's me." Rachel reads out the prophecy that's pictured there. You know, the prophecy about Syd being the Chosen One and all that crap. "You're the Chosen One?" Rachel asks incredulously. Syd just looks down at the table, and no one says anything. "You people really believe this stuff?" says Rachel. Yes, Rachel. They really do. But I don't! I just drink a lot and write about it! Pass the Thunderbird!
Will's all, "Okay! Can we debate this later? You know, WHEN THE BOMB IS OUT OF MY HEAD?" Hee hee hee. Sydney wonders aloud what the harm would be in giving Anna the page, seeing as if Sydney doesn't do what the page says she'll do, they're just words on a page. Sloane says she's right; without Sydney, the page is meaningless. Yeah, unless they had an exact replica of Sydney to make it NOT so meaningless. But they would never do that, now would they? Dix is all, hey now, we're not considering giving into Anna's demands, are we? Will's all, uh, how about WE ARE. Sydney just says that handing Anna the page doesn't guarantee Will's safety. Jack asks if Marshall can somehow figure out how to deactivate the codes to the bomb in Will's head, and Marshall gobbledy-gooks a whole mess of explanation that comes out to: he can. But they have to get the bomb within range of the detonator. Will is all, uh...did I hear that correctly? Get the bomb within range of the detonator? "You ever been to Portugal?" asks Syd. Heh.
Lisbon. A train steward who looks like he's stuffed two key limes up his nostrils and inhaled is patiently trying to explain to a Frenched-up Sydney and Will that they can't have a first class compartment. Syd and Will are working the awesome French accents and saying things like "commonerz," and "ah wud lahk to go to zee hotel," and "duz yer dug baht," and Will's accent in particular seems to be channeling Inspector Clouseau. It's brill. The steward gets cheesed off and yells at them in Portuguese and Will is all, "He darez speaks Portageeeze to us?" And Syd is all, "It izzzz a dead languaaage, yes?" Hee. Finally, Will shoves a sheaf of Euros at the man and lo, they get their first class cabin.
Once inside, Syd chastises Will for going over the top with his disguise, but he just tells her to leave him alone because he was on a roll. I agree with Will; he's at his best when he's over the top. Will boots up a computer and starts plugging stuff into it. Dunno what he's doing there. He glances at Syd and then starts to say something about his girl being back home waiting for him and depending on how this all goes...Syd cuts him off and tells him he's going to make it through this. "I'm not gonna let anything happen to you," she says. He looks at her blankly. "I know that." "Okay," she says. "Wait--what'd you think I was asking?" he says. She's flummoxed. "I...don't...I was just being supportive in case you thought you were going to--" "Die?" he says. "It's not important," says Syd, clearly chewing on that foot within her mouth. "What were you asking?" "I was asking you to be my best man," he says." "Really?" she says. "Yeah," he says. "Before I realized you had so little faith in me--you really thought I was gonna die?" Syd rips her bike into high gear and backpedals away from the damage she's created by getting all "gee whiz" on him and asking how it would work and if she would have to wear a tux. "You don't have to worry about it," says Will in mock seriousness, "'cuz you're not invited." Hee. Damn, his comic timing is impeccable.
Back to the task at hand, Will brings up the dining car on his monitor and they see Anna sitting at a table. Syd hits something on her watch and says that now she just has to keep Anna busy long enough to scan the detonation codes. "Incidentally," she says, smiling, "I'd be honored." Will shoots her a look. "Let's do this," he says, suddenly all business. Aw. After a CGI shot of the train going through a tunnel, Syd enters the dining car and plops herself at Anna's table. They engage in a little small talk about Will and he pipes up on Syd's comms to tell her that the scanner is working. Anna says they have to go somewhere private, so she and Syd leave the dining car. Will keeps Syd updated on the scanner's progress.
Once in a baggage car at the back of the train, Syd pops open her case and shows Page 47 to Anna. "What I want to know is," says Syd, "why do you want it? We disproved these writings long ago." Anna doesn't give a damn, just as long as the check clears; it could be written in disappearing ink for all she cares. Syd asks for the detonator. Anna says she doesn't have it on her. Will says she's lying, because they wouldn't be able to get the scan results they're getting if it wasn't on her body. Anna goes to leave, and Syd grabs her arm, saying she's not letting her out of her sight. Anna calmly tells her to wait here, and Syd reacts by grabbing the page case and slamming Anna in the face with it. So much for "waiting," huh?
And then they fight.
After a few punches and kicks, Anna pulls out the detonator and hits a button and back in the room, a countdown appears on Will's screen. "Oh!" says Will, touching the back of his head. "Sydney! Sydney, my head's beeping!" Hee. Okay, that's not really supposed to be funny, but it totally is. Anna and Syd keep fighting. The detonator keeps counting down. Syd floors Anna and runs to pick up the detonator. Anna gets to her first and the detonator goes flying. Will's all, STOP FIGHTING AND KEEP MY HEAD BOMB FROM EXPLODING. More fighting. More fighting. Syd runs up a wall and spin kicks into Anna, which barely floors her. Then she wisely does one of those double leg mid-air kicks, and Anna goes flailing. Syd picks up the detonator and stops it with two seconds to go. Will breathes a much-needed sigh of relief.
"You still having fun, Anna?" gasps Syd. "You'll never beat me." "And you still don't understand the game," retorts Anna. She grabs the page case and jumps out of the car and hits a button, closing the doors. They're sealed shut. Anna leans forward and kisses the glass, as she is wont to do. Syd just pouts at her. Anna hits a button on the wall and suddenly this red stuff sprays out of the ceiling sprinklers. Is it blood? Is this Carrie? What the hell is going on? Syd careens around, looking for a way out, coughing and sputtering as the red liquid spills down over her and down a drain...into some tubes that are running into some sort of large tank attached to the underside of the train. The hell?
Anna gets on her phone and tells someone on the other end that they're collecting Syd's DNA right now and that the process has begun. She goes on to tell the person that they should have genetic samples shortly and that there should be no further delays. Oh, except for the delay that's going to happen right after Will here slams you in the back of the head with a fire extinguisher. Heh. Awesome. Will runs to save Syd. She's crapped out on the floor of the car, covered in the red stuff. He opens the emergency door and then enters the car and picks her up. "Anna, we have to get Anna," says Syd, still coughing. Anna appears and picks up the detonator. "I'm right here, Syd," she says, hitting the detonator's button. "Looks like you have about thirty seconds!" "Noooooo!" screams Syd. Then Anna flings the detonator out the window, and Syd and Will just FLY OUT AFTER IT. Like, never mind that they have no idea if they're over water or land. Oh no. Just jump! Something will catch your fall!
Fortunately for them, water does the job this time, and they plunge into a River of Convenience as Anna departs on the speeding train. Will sputters and splats and tries to get to the top as Sydney just...dives down and retrieves the detonator. Yes. Yes, she does. In the dark. In a foreign lake. After being stripped of some of her DNA. And after flinging out of a speeding train. She just, flies down and...gets it. And then she hits the button and Will is saved! They hug each other and Will says he's ready to go home.
Lookout Point of Duplicitous Daddies. Sloane's waiting on someone. Peyton arrives in a killer red car. "Sydney Bristow was not to be harmed," says Sloane. "How exactly was Bristow harmed?" snots Peyton. Sloane's all, uh, you locked her in a train car and sprayed her with a chemical agent. What part about that screams "DO NO HARM"? Peyton just snits that she's sure Syd's been given a thorough examination, and that nothing's been found wrong with her. Sloane needs to know what they did to Sydney. No he doesn't. All he needs to know that he's fulfilled his contract with Prophet Five and Peyton has the antidote for Nadia. Peyton leaves and Sloane looks like he's wrestled with the Devil and lost.
Moscow. We pan past a couple of large metal containers; they resemble the container that Syd's DNA spilled into beneath the train. Sure enough, there's tons of red liquid pouring out of it into a big Plexiglas box. Dr. Funboy walks into the room, explaining to Angus that he's loaded the Bristow DNA template into the sequencer and the genetic fluid is primed and ready. Then we see that Anna is lying in a large metal cage that's positioned above the red fluid. "How's our subject?" asks Angus. "Ready to get this over with," says Anna. Dr. Funboy says that her vitals are good and that the Provacillium should be taking effect. Dr. Funboy tells Anna that he's given her something for the pain, but if the genetic manipulations were any indicator, the narcotics won't be much help. Anna's all, I've been through worse. Dr. Funboy's all, oh ho ho! That's what you think! Wait'll you feel this! For the first time, Anna looks slightly scared and nervous. The cage is slowly dropped down into the red liquid and Anna immediately begins to scream and shake. Angus and Dr. Funboy watch.
Park of Long Goodbyes. Will and Syd are walking Isabelle through the park. Syd says she's given Will a panic button that he can use any ol' time. Will tells her not to worry about him, and she says she can't help it and that she's sorry he got dragged into all this. He tells her that if she apologizes one more time, he's going to smack the crap out of her. Heh. Will says it isn't her fault and Syd throws another pity party for herself and says how the people she loves get hurt or kidnapped or killed, just because they know her. She starts to cry and a bit, and Will tells Syd that it's not her fault that evil is in the world, and that he for one sleeps better at night knowing that she's out there and they hug and it's all okay because Will is awesome. He says that there's no one like her on earth and she kind of blushes at this and he says, "Hey, there is only one Sydney Bristow." But, see, there totally IS more than one Sydney Bristow and she's coming up out of the red muck right now and she looks really, really, REALLY pissed off.