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Previously on Alias: Rachel had sex with Sark, and instead of charging her for it, he gave her a freebie AND saved Jack and his ex-girlfriend from some sadistic jackass in a beret. Berets are stupid.
We get an extended "previously" segment to start things off. Desantis is shown, as is Chubby the Bruce, and the whole thing wraps up with Gordo's final plea to Sydney (right before Sloane offed him) in which he tells her that "they" have plans for her. And with that, we segue neatly into tonight's episode.
Syd's staring at herself in a mirror while some Chinese-tinged violins wind their way through the soundtrack. The color of this scene is faded out, so we can be pretty sure this is either a flashback or a dream sequence. We know it's not a Spanish flashback because it's not sepia-toned. Syd fills a kettle with water and puts it on the stove. Just then, Vaughn enters as if it's the most normal thing in the world and he wasn't pumped full of a bajillion bullets earlier this season. He puts some groceries on the counter and Syd asks what took him so long and he says there was traffic on Venice. Syd then gets this look on her face that's like, "Wait, aren't you dead?" But it fades away when Vaughn comes over and kisses her hello.
She then weirdly asks if Vaughn can check and see if there's something in her eye. He says there isn't, and suggests that maybe the contacts she wore on the Ireland mission irritated her eye. I'm not sure what any of this means or what significance there is, if any, but I'm transcribing the lot because you never know WHAT is going to come back around to haunt us later in the season. Case in point, Vaughn asks Syd what she thinks about orecchiette. Syd says she's never heard of it. Yeah, she can speak eighteen languages, run in high heels, and knock a man twice her size to the ground in seconds flat, but she's never heard of a Puglian Italian pasta that's delicious with a butter sage sauce.
Syd comments that she can't believe Vaughn can cook. "There are a lot of things about me you don't know," he says, chopping up some broccoli. "You clean, too?" she snarks. "Maybe," he returns. They chatter back and forth for a second and then Vaughn asks her if she's going to take a bath. She says that maybe they're BOTH going to take a bath and all I can say is, that better be one gargantuan bathtub if BOTH she and Vaughn are going to take a bath. Syd alone could fill a Jacuzzi here. Girlfriend's ready to BLOW.
Suddenly, Vaughn cuts his finger and Syd mothers him and pulls him into the bedroom so she can bandage the wound. She kisses his finger, and he tells her she's going to make a great mom. She's not so sure. She goes to the sink and rinses her hands and says that her mom wasn't such a great role model, to which Vaughn replies that they should be thankful, then, since Syd is nothing like her mother. "You're not there yet, Sydney," says a man's voice from the ether. "Did you hear that?" Syd asks Vaughn. He didn't. Syd thinks it's the radio to Vaughn. "You need to go further back," continues the hissing voice. "Follow Vaughn." Vaughn turns off the radio and asks Syd if she wants a bottle of wine with the bath. Um, no, stupid; she's pregnant. But Syd says it'd be great, and Vaughn and his extremely hot pair of jeans walk off to get it for her.
Syd turns back to the mirror and suddenly she sees herself in the reflection and her head is in some sort of hypno chamber or something and she has a bunch of sensors stuck to her. Then we get a Syd POV shot where she blurrily looks around the room that she's actually in. She tries moving her hands, but she's strapped to whatever this machine is. "Who are you?" she asks some guy in a white coat who's manning several computers. He hushes her and tells her to sit still. "We almost have what we need," he says, filling a syringe with fluid. "We just need to go a little further." Syd asks what he's doing to her, and he says he's trying to help her relax. Syd asks why and what he wants from her. "I just need to find a vein," he says.
Before he can, a distorted voice from behind a two-way mirror breaks in over an intercom. "Stop," it says. "Are you sure this won't harm the baby?" The doctor, who's played by Michael Massee, says that he's sure and that if Disembodied Voice wants its answer, it's going to have to let Massee do his job. If you don't know who Michael Massee is, by the way, then you won't understand why, the minute I saw him onscreen, I knew he was a bad guy and working for the wrong side. Dude was "Funboy," y'all. He's a bad, bad seed. Also? Kind of hot in a wrong sort of way. What? I have funny taste in men. Syd asks who's behind the two-way mirror but Dr. Funboy doesn't answer her. "If you hurt my baby," Syd says as the doc sticks her in the vein with his relaxation serum, "I swear to you, I will kill you."
We switch to San Francisco, two days earlier. Yeah, the "XX days/hours earlier" device is my least favorite and the most overused on this show, but this is the final season, so I suppose I can let it pass, you know? Anyway, Peyton's hanging out at a noodle stand left over from the set of Blade Runner. She has her eye on a door in the distance, and the second some guy exits the door, Peyton leaves the noodle stand and runs after him. She tails him for a bit and finally lunges at him and blabbles some story at him about how she's supposed to meet friends in the Mission District but she can't find a cab because nobody here speaks English because apparently, in San Francisco's Chinatown, it's customary for NO ONE to be speak the language of the country in which they now live.
Peyton asks him what time it is and before he can tell her, she stabs him in the gut and steals his watch. She's a naughty little minx, isn't she? She puts the watch on her own wrist and enters the building the dead man just left. She heads down a hallway and accesses a secret panel that opens the red door at the end of the hall. Peyton enters the room behind the door and there's a guy across the way, sitting at a computer. He doesn't turn around, so he thinks Peyton is the agent she just killed. She accesses the dead guy's computer, does a search for "Agent Michael Vaughn," finds the server she's looking for, and slinks off to nab it. Meanwhile, the other agent is finally curious as to why his agent buddy is being so silent, so he heads off to follow Peyton.
She quickly locates the server with Vaughn's data on it and goes to work removing the outer panel so she can get at the data inside. Soon-To-Be-Dead Agent comes up just as Peyton's finished accessing the panel, but she's nowhere to be found. SDA notices something amiss at the server and he moves over to check it out, but Peyton comes up behind him and strangles him with a wire. She grabs the data she wants and makes tracks. Outside, Kelly gets on the phone and asks to speak to "The Technician." "This is he," says Desantis. "Were you able to retrieve Agent Vaughn's files?" Peyton says that she got the files and that she'll run the analysis and get back to him with the results. Desantis says he'll let their benefactors know the good news. Dead Agent #1 has been discovered by the noodle lady, and there's a ruckus starting up. "What's all that noise?" asks Desantis. "You know how it is," says Peyton. "Rough neighborhood." Heh. Especially for agents just trying to be nice to pretty young assassins.
And now is the time on Alias when we dance the hoochie coo. Git down. Whocka whocka. And all that sort of shit.
Hell-Lay. Our Lady of Perpetual Espionage Hospital. Syd and Jack are getting a tour of the maternity ward from Syd's OB/GYN. Syd mentions something about getting an epidural and the doctor says she can have one if she wants one. "Yeah," says Syd. "I'd like one. I'm not a big fan of pain." Heh. Jack asks if there's anything Syd needs to change about her lifestyle or work environment. "I'm sure her boss would be willing to lighten her workload if necessary," Jack says with a sideways glance at his daughter. Hee. The doc says something about it not being much longer now, and Syd says that her due date's three weeks away. The doc is like, honey? It's childbirth, not a tennis lesson. These kids don't always arrive on time, no? After telling Syd that if her water broke today, she'd deliver a healthy baby, the doctor exits, leaving Jack and Syd to awkwardly look at each other like, um, let's not bring the baby into the world just yet, huh?
They walk over to the Babies On Display area, and Syd gets a sad expression on her face when she sees a father looking down at his newborn. Jack sees this and decides that now is the perfect time for gift-giving. He hands Syd a little package wrapped clumsily in blue tissue paper. Aw. He wrapped it himself. The man's a stone-cold killer and a strategic mastermind, but gift wrapping? Not so good at that, huh, Jack? Syd opens it and inside is a silver rattle. It was once Sydney's. "It reminds me of a time when I could keep you safe," he says with a smile. Syd's touched, and she thanks him.
Marshall's Garage of Geekiness. Getty walks in, and Marshall says he was just doing some housecleaning and going through old aliases and safehouses and stuff, when he came across a mistake in Getty's file and called Langley. Unfortunately, Marshall doesn't have clearance to edit Getty's file, so he had to call Getty to rectify the mistake. Or something. I'm not really sure about what's going on here. Turns out that Marshall found an old marriage certificate from seven years ago and just wanted Getty to know that if it was to support an old alias, he should have it rescinded because, uh, you know, taxes. I guess. "It's not a mistake," says Getty. "I was married." Marshall's like, uh. Huh. Yeah. Thatsurprises the hell outta me, dude. Getty says that it was just for three years and it didn't work out. If by "didn't work out" you mean, "may have killed his wife and buried her in the back yard." What? You know Getty's got some major skeletons in the closet!
“ 'Good lord,' whispers Jack. You said it. ”
Sydney's making her way out of the Hypno Torture Room. I think we're supposed to assume that Jack and lodie and Sydney are all in the same building and Syd's about to be rescued. Jack and lodie enter the unit. Syd stumbles down a hallway and I just noticed that a door at the end is a door you would see on a ship, so maybe the director isn't trying to make us think they're all in the same building, because Jack and lodie are very definitely on dry land. Syd keeps running. Jack and lodie keep running. Running running running. Finally, Jack and lodie come around a corner in the unit andcome face to face with the most disturbing makeshift nursery outside of Rosemary's Baby. There's no devil infant or bassinette covered in black netting and red satin, but it's just as alarming, nonetheless. There are blank concrete walls and floors and assorted generic-looking baby furniture and it just looks wrong, wrong, wrong. "Good lord," whispers Jack. You said it. At that same moment, Syd opens up a door and exits outside where a helicopter is taking off. She walks forward, the camera pulls back, and we see that she's on a huge ship in the middle of the fucking ocean with no land anywhere in sight.
D'oh!
on Alias: See you in February, bitches!