This recap comes to you fresh from Halloween in the Palmetto State, where it's sixty degrees at 8:06 PM and the kids have finally stopped knocking on my door and yelling, "Bitch! Why you not handin' out candy?" My neighbor kindly informed them that I was dead and they went on their merry way with a handful of granola bar snack packs that he'd grabbed out of his garbage or something and I am finally at peace enough to recap this episode.
Previously on Alias: There was some hot casino action, Rachel earned her name back, Syd and her fetus hung from a magnet, Sloane escaped the clutches of prison and some terrifying "drop the soap" scenarios, and…the episode didn't suck. Clap your hands, children! Maybe this one won't suck either! Oh, also in the "previouslys," we're reminded of that one time, over by that thing near the place where we went, Élodie had stolen the box with the somewhat-dead body in it. That'll be important here in a second.
We begin the episode at a U.S. Army storage facility in Frankfurt, Germany. It's pissing down rain. Just as an officer in rain gear sends off a big truck, some small figure in black cat burglar gear (let's call him/her "Black Cat," shall we?) comes up behind him and takes him out with what I think is a stun gun. He goes down, and Black Cat runs up the stairs and into the facility. Black Cat blowtorches through a locked gate as a guard outside comes upon his fallen comrade. Way to leave the bodies behind, Black Cat. Inside the facility, Black Cat flashlights its way through blackness and comes upon a carton with a big red cross on it. It would seem Black Cat is after some medical gear.
Outside, the guard is reporting the man down to another guy inside, only the guy inside is also down, courtesy of Black Cat. Suddenly alarms go off and Black Cat starts freaking out and running through the interior. Another guard comes up and starts shooting at Black Cat, but he dumbly ignores the fact that there are some serious tanks of explosive materials in there, and he shoots one of them, setting the place on fire. Black Cat runs through the fire toward a window and jumps through it just as the interior explodes. Black Cat lands on top of a truck with a heavy "CLANG!" and it also appears that he/she is on fire. But no worries, Black Cat somehow escapes through the canvas of the truck unscathed and then STOPS not INCHES from the facility he/she just blew up and REMOVES his/her mask and it's Élodie, with a smashing new Meg Ryan razor hairdo. I'm sorry, isn't she supposed to be The Raven? The most notorious assassin on book since…Saddam? Apparently, Élodie didn't pay attention during Notorious Assassin Lesson #47: DON'T REMOVE YOUR MASK UNTIL YOU'RE IN A COUNTRY AT LEAST 5,000 MILES FROM THE ONE YOU JUST BLEW UP.
And now, for your moment of Zen.
Ovary Prenatal Yoga Electric. Syd is actually doing yoga in some room of the Barbie Penthouse while oceanic meditation music plays in the background. The yoga, especially when it's being done by a heavily pregnant woman, is impressive. The music is not. As Syd goes into plank position, Rachel enters. Did you hear that? Rachel enters. In a tank top and her pajama bottoms. The hell? Rachel's living with Syd now? What, the CIA can't afford a hotel room? With guards? Or is Syd's place untouchable now that her apartment was bugged to high heaven and set on fire? This is unacceptable. And…kind of weird. Or erotic, depending on your particular bent.
So, Rachel enters and says "hey" and Syd says "hey" back and then says, "Wish I could still fit into those," referring to the pajama pants that Rachel's wearing and huh? Is Rachel wearing Syd's PAJAMA PANTS? What, she doesn't have her own? Oh, wait. They did totally remove her from her life…so I guess she doesn't have her own pajamas. But…isn't there an Old Navy around somewhere? I mean…what? I'm sorry. It's just little stuff like this that makes my teeth grow hair. Whatever. I'm letting it go. But I'm not letting go of this stein of vodka. AND YOU CAN'T MAKE ME.
Rachel approaches Syd with love lighting in her eyes (what? I'm not making this up) and asks if she's okay and Syd says she is and that "this kid" is gonna be a black belt. Aw. She then asks Rachel to help her up and there's a cute moment where Syd tells her to get ready for the awesome weight of a pregnant woman. Rachel hefts her up and they park it for a second. Rachel says that Syd must be so excited and Syd says she is, when she's not terrified. Rachel says she doesn't seem terrified, but Syd says she is; the thought of being a parent and doing it on her own seems overwhelming. She then tells Rachel she can stay at the Barbie Penthouse as long as she wants, seeing as they're both going through transitions. "We can keep each other company," says Syd. I bet you can. Wocka wocka. Whaaaat? Am I out of line? Shut up, pass the vodka. Rachel thanks Syd and Syd goes off to change and says, "Help yourself to anything in the fridge…if there's anything left." Hee. Pregnant women eat a lot, get it? "Hey Syd?" says Rachel as Syd turns to leave. "You're gonna make a great mom." Aw. Syd smiles shyly and says thanks and then leaves. Aw again!
Outdoor Café of Meetings Between Pissed-Off Men and the Men Who Pissed Them Off. Jack is escorted to a table where Sloane sits waiting. Sloane stands and they shake hands and Jack says, "You seem to be enjoying your freedom." Oh, you have no idea, Jack! Sloane's going commando! Yes, I'm twelve. "I was hoping to offer you more than prison food," says Sloane. "I must confess," says Jack, with that awesome twist to his lips, "I'd grown rather fond of the shepherd's pie." Hee hee hee. They sit, and Sloane doesn't waste a second before he asks to be allowed back into the Apple Store. He offers up his connections in exchange for Jack giving him full access to CIA resources to find a cure for Nadia. Sloane totally thinks Jack will say "HELL NO," but Jack surprises him by saying that he's already put in a request for Sloane's limited reinstatement. The only problem is, the request hasn't been approved or denied yet. Jack says that someone is standing in the way. Sloane asks if he knows who, because, you know, he's happy to make his case personally, but Jack has no idea. He's working on it. Just then, Jack's phone rings and he says that he has to cut the meeting short. They tersely say goodbye and Jack leaves.
Secret Warehouse of Somewhat Dead Bodies In Cryogenic Chambers. Élodie approaches the chamber and hits a button and the top slides up. The camera slinks along the side of it, finally revealing that the man inside the chamber is…LODZ! Oh, okay, if you've never watched Carnivàle, then you won't know what that means. But it's Patrick Bauchau, and he's AWESOME. Élodie looks down at Bauchau, and the expression on her face is angst-meets-confusion. My expression on my face is roughly around wait-it's-not-Michael-Vaughn-or-Daddy-Vaughn?
Apple Store. Jack is pondering kicking Sloane's weeny ass when Dixon enters and hands him the file on the Frankfurt job. Dix says that the intruder crossed two minefields, deactivated a thirty thousand volt fence, and put down a half-dozen Army rangers by non-lethal means. Jack asks if there are leads and Dix says that Getty's on the phone with Germany trying to get uplinks of their surveillance imagery. Jack reads the file and states that this lone individual walked past a stockpile of heavy weaponry, opting instead to take a few hundred cc's of something called "atropine-ZX". The best part about the "ZX" is that "atropine" exists (Google tells me so), but if you plug "atropine-ZX" into Google, the first hit is…ABC's Alias website. Heh.
Dix tells Jack that this atropine-ZX is primarily used as a medical resuscitation drug in the battlefield and that it's highly experimental. He goes on to say that the infiltration bears a striking resemblance to the one on the DSR a month ago when the body chamber was stolen. Jack is…incredulous. Dix is…bemused. He says that the body in the chamber was in some sort of cryogenic stasis, so the ZX could possibly be used to wake up the body. We go from this revelation to Getty, sitting at his desk, hilariously discussing beef jerky options with his Germany contact. What's hilarious about it is Balthazar Getty's total commitment to the conversation revolving around dried beef product. You just know that after every take, Balthazar was looking around at everyone all, "Dudes? You've had to say shit like this every day for the past FIVE YEARS? Y'all ROCK."
So anyway, Getty's on the phone to his contact, promising him a case of jerky (half beef, half turkey), when Marshall walks up. "Apparently, you can't get good beef jerky in Germany," says Getty. "Really?" says Marshall. "I always thought of Germany as the home of processed meats…you know, there's liverwurst, bratwurst, weisswurst…" Hee. Jack and Dix walk up, interrupting the beef-fest, as Getty downloads the feed from his contact. Jack orders him to put it on the multiple Apple screens, and he does. What comes up is, of course, Élodie, standing right outside the facility, removing her mask. Dix pipes up that she's number eight on the CIA's most wanted list. Shocking, that. Considering that she REMOVES HER MASK RIGHT OUTSIDE THE FACILITY SHE'S JUST INADVERTENTLY BOMBED. Jack just purses in the general direction of Élodie's image on the screens.
"You don't know she's the one who took the body," hisses Syd, minutes later. Jack's all, uh, duh! A body got taken and then, look at that! Some resuscitation drugs got taken a month later! Coincidence? I think not. Syd thinks that Élodie had a reason for doing it, so let her talk to the girl. Jack's all, dude? Y'all just exchange info over the phone twice a week; if she hasn't told you by now… "Not over the phone," says Syd. "I'll go in person." "Go then!" says Jack, kicking his daughter in the backside. "It's not like you're PREGNANT or anything!" Actually, he's concerned that Élodie is an assassin. Syd says that Vaughn trusted her, so they should too. Vaughn also trusted that dumb old guy with the watch thing, so I wouldn't put too much stake in what Vaughn trusted or didn't, Syd.
Syd thinks that if Élodie hasn't told them about the body, it's because she doesn't trust them, and if they move on her now, it'll only prove that she was right not to. Syd doesn't want to burn her as an ally. "We know that the body was in Dean's possession," she says. "Finding out why may tell us more about Prophet Five; what their ultimate agenda is." Jack reluctantly agrees to let Syd visit Élodie, but he's not sending her alone. Getty's going with her.
Speaking of Getty, he's down in the firing range, attempting to work the blue oxford like Vaughn did so many times before him. Nice try, Getty. I think white's more your color. In terms of shooting, Getty's doing a damn fine job of killing that paper target, shooting it once in the head and the remaining five times in the chest. Heh. I like a man who shoots to overkill. "Think you got him," snits Jack from the background. Getty barely glances back at Jack and says, "My mother always said, if someone was worth shooting once, they were worth shooting twice." Oh, heh. "Sorry I never met her," quips Jack, "she sounds like my kind of woman." Oh, triple heh. By the way, this scene completely articulates why the Thomas Grace character works for me. In a nutshell: Jack doesn't scare him. In fact, he's not particularly concerned with Jack at all. And I think this is why Jack likes him. Because Jack is not particularly concerned with anyone who isn't Sydney, and he appreciates people who don't distract themselves with unnecessary concerns.
"I think the two of you would've gotten along," quips Getty. And yeah, I thought about changing his name to "Grace" right about now, but "Getty" is so much cooler. Just know that the name is changed in spirit, right where it counts. IN MY HEART. Jack approaches Getty and says that Syd's on her way to meet with a contact in Marseille and he'd like Getty to accompany her. "I'm on escort duty," snits Getty. Heh. "Sydney's contact is Renée Rienne," says Jack. Who? This elicits the proper, "Reaaaalllly?" response from Getty. Jack tells him that Élodie's been helping Syd with her investigation into the Prophet Five conspiracy, although that information is off the books. Getty seems suitably impressed by this. Jack goes on to say that, since Élodie worked with Vaughn, Syd has inherent trust in her. "I do not share that trust," says Jack, in that way of his. "I see," says Getty, in a very Jack-like way. "Don't worry. I'll make sure she's safe." Heh heh heh.
Marseilles. Syd and Getty are outside a big warehouse, and Getty wonders out loud if they're in the right place. Syd points out all the motion detectors and surveillance cameras. Yeah. They're in the right place, all right. Getty discreetly pulls out his gun and says he'll cover the stairs while Syd approaches. She tells him to put away the gun and he states that Élodie's already killed three CIA agents, he'd rather they weren't numbers four and five. Syd rightly assumes that Jack's briefed Getty and Getty says that Jack said that if there's a threat to Syd's safety, Getty has orders to kill. "My father is overprotective," snits Syd. Heh. And then some.
Inside, Élodie's delivering a dose of the ZX to Bauchau. Nothing happens. Her phone rings and she picks it up and Syd says they need to talk. Élodie doesn't think it's a good time. Syd says it can't wait and that she's out front. "I know," says Élodie from behind her. She's crept up behind Getty and put a gun to his back. She takes away his piece and points both guns at Getty and Syd. She's pissed that Syd violated their agreement. Syd tells her that she knows Élodie took the body, but whatever is going on, she can trust them. Élodie thinks this situation is different and that she has to do this herself. "That's not an option," grits Syd. "Does he know what you're up to?" asks Getty, looking toward one of the windows. We get a flash of Bauchau at the window and then he walks away. Élodie runs off to the warehouse.
Inside the warehouse, she removes her cell phone earpiece and goes looking for Bauchau. Syd and Getty follow. Getty has his gun ready (because Élodie gave it back to him that easily?) and Élodie tells him that Bauchau's not dangerous. She continues searching for him and suddenly she finds him…as he jumps out and puts a knife to her throat. He pulls her out into the room, and as he's confusedly asking in French what's happening and who these people are, Syd pulls out her gun (she had a gun?) and points it at him. Getty and Syd both have their guns out and Élodie's all, he won't hurt me! Promise! Ignore the knife! "Who are you?" asks Bauchau in French. "They won't hurt you!" says Élodie in French. "It's me. It's me. Renée. It's me." Bauchau drops the knife and Élodie turns to him. "Can it really be you?" he asks. "It's me, Papa," she says. "Did I hear her right?" asks Getty. "He's her father," says Syd, in case we missed the "Papa" part.
And now is the time on Alias when we burn furniture in our apartment in a pagan tribute to how much this episode isn't sucking so far.
Okay, this scene is peppered with French subtitles, so I'm going to do the best I can to distill it down to its essence. Basically, Bauchau's confused as to how all this could have happened and he doesn't know what year it is. Élodie tells him it's the year 2006, which, considering that Syd lost two years, isn't as weird as it sounds. In the Alias-verse, it actually IS 2006. Maybe they'll end this show with a time warp back to real time or something. What? It could happen. So could a musical episode. But don't quote me on that.
So, Bauchau says that it's been 23 years, but to him, it was yesterday. Syd speaks up, in French no less, and asks if he knows who did this to him. Before answering, Bauchau asks his daughter who these people are and if she trusts them. She does, considering the fact that they're the ones who found him. There's a pause, and then Élodie says in English, "Was it Desantis?" Bauchau says it was, and that after "they" caught up with him, they tried to make him talk. I'm assuming he's talking about himself and not Desantis here. Bauchau says they tortured him, but he wouldn't tell them where Élodie was. After that, he doesn't remember. He delivers the "doesn't remember" part in English, so we're saved from more French subtitles. Not that I mind listening to French spoken so gracefully by Élodie and Bauchau; it's just hell on the recapping.
Syd asks if Desantis is tied up with Prophet Five, and Bauchau gets up, all interested and shit, like, Prophet Fiiiiiive? What do you know about Prophet Fiiiiiive? Élodie's like, Dad, sit the hell down. Bauchau's all, dude? I'm fine. Getty's all, you are NOT fine, you've been DEAD for 23 years, so sit the hell down. Also? Your ear is bleeding. Oh, that can't be good. Everyone kind of panics as Bauchau puts his hands to his ears and starts shaking. They get him down on the sofa as Syd says that his pulse is all over the place. She thinks they need something to sedate him. Élodie states that she has some diazepam and runs off to get it. As Syd and Getty hold him down, Élodie injects him and he immediately goes slack. "What do you know about that device?" Syd asks. "Why was he in it?" "I don't know," says Élodie. "I just had to get him out of there."
We switch to Sloane, walking out of what appears to be a medical facility. Post-Cheating Ethan Hawke slinks up and asks how Nadia is. Sloane's like, dude? Don't you EVER contact me in public AGAIN. "And tell whoever you're answering to that I'm proceeding as instructed," he purrs. "Tell him yourself," says Post-Cheating Ethan Hawke, glancing over at an approaching limo. He opens the door and Sloane gets in, only to be greeted by Gordon Dean. "Hello, Arrrrrrvin," says Gordo. "Hello, Gooooordon," says Sloane. Heh. They clearly don't like each other. Gordo says that he's one of Sloane's mysterious benefactors and then asks if Sloane's familiar with Senator Lewis. He hands Sloane a portfolio with photos of Lewis, and Sloane flips through them. Sloane says that she's the chairman of the Senate intelligence committee. Gordo says that she's the reason Sloane hasn't been reinstated at the Apple Store. Sloane says that if she's the person standing in his way, the chances of him returning to the Apple Store are slim. Gordo says he needs Sloane at the Apple Store, so he's going to have to persuade Senator Lewis to see things his way. "Luckily," says Gordo, "that's what you do best." Oh, and how.
Warehouse of Not-So-Dead-Daddies. Getty's on the phone to Jack, telling him that Bauchau's condition is beyond his field medical training. Jack asks if Bauchau's stable and Getty says that it's kind of hard to tell, seeing as he was bleeding out of his eyes and ears for a minute there. In Jack's office, Dix, Rachel, and Marshall are gathered to listen to Getty's report. Marshall says that if they knew why he was in the container in the first place, they'd have a better idea of what was wrong with him. Getty says that he's had a look inside the box and it's lined with IVs that were apparently feeding Bauchau nutrients and that there was an on-board hard drive that was checking his vitals. Dix says that he still has contacts within the DSR, so maybe he can find out if they analyzed the box before it was stolen.
Getty says that Élodie mentioned a name, a Doctor Aldo Desantis. "Apparently, he put her father in a box twenty years ago," quips Getty. Rachel gets a gleam of recognition in her eye. She says she knows that name. Gordo had her arrange the transfer of some of Desantis's files that were originally archived at the University of Milan. A year ago, Gordo had her move them to a private facility in San Francisco. Jack gets that look on his face that suggests he's about to kick some ass. He tells Getty to tell Élodie that the CIA is going to coordinate a mission to obtain the Desantis files, and that they may shed some light on her father's condition. He then tells Getty to get in contact with some Marseille doctor who will check Bauchau into a facility under an assumed name and give him a full examination. Oh, like THAT will go over well.
And apparently, it goes over as well as I thought it would, because the thing we see is Syd trying to convince Élodie to hand her father over to this Marseille doctor. Élodie thinks she can take care of her corpse-like father herself. Syd disagrees. She wants Élodie to finally fucking TRUST HER already. There's a pause, then Élodie finally fucking trusts her and says, "Okay." Getty goes to pull the van around front. He enters the elevator and presses the down button and closes the gate. Midway through his ride, however, the elevator stops and the lights go out. Back with Élodie and Syd, they're both like, the hell? Getty jumps down out of the elevator and hears some shit at the other end of the floor and gets his gun ready. He creeps around and sees some black-clad gits bust in through a door. He tries to dial Syd, but there's no signal on his cell. The black-clad gits have guns with laser targeting and they're ready to rock. Getty looks appropriately stunned.
Getty watches as one of the black-clad gits pulls out a device that seems to detect humans or something. Quickly realizing that his ass will be grass if he doesn't get out of there pronto, Getty runs back to the elevator as the black-clad gits, clued in to his presence, start shooting. He makes it safely inside the lift, and then climbs up over the top of it to the floor. He brings the elevator gate down via a chain at the side, thereby shutting off access to the elevator to the black-clad gits below. Elsewhere in the warehouse, a standard office phone rings and Élodie picks up. "Allo?" she says. "You took something from us," says a voice in French, "we want it back." She asks who he is, and he tells her she has twenty minutes. She hangs up and turns to Syd. "They want my father," she says.
Getty storms in and says they're under siege. Syd says they want Élodie's dad and asks who they are. Oh, like Getty knows. Élodie thinks they're French intelligence. Getty thinks they're armed too well to be French intelligence, which…really doesn't speak well for French intelligence, does it? Oh! Slam! Wait. Don't hit me. I love the French. I'm part French! Shut up. Ooooh, more vodka? Élodie turns to Syd all, bitch! That's why I didn't tell you about this! Syd's all, wait, you think WE led them to you? Élodie's all, uh, DUH. Syd goes to call her daddy, but Getty points out that the black-clad gits are using a jamming device, so she won't be able to call out. "We need weapons," Getty says to Élodie. "Back there," she twits, tossing him some keys. "There's a closet." She moves off to a shelf and grabs a big piece of equipment. "I have an army radio," she says. "We can find a clear frequency." "CALL FOR HELP," Syd practically screams. Okay, so she doesn't, but wouldn't it have been funny if she did? Getty and Élodie seem to have the whole situation under control and Syd's just the pregnant girl in the middle. Heh. I like a Syd who's out of her element and with other people in control. It's fun for me. Hey, I take the little pleasures where I can get 'em.
Speaking of pleasures, Getty's just opened up Élodie's hidden closet of weaponry, and the subtle grin on his face is all I need to call him Jack Lite. Oh, no, I won't really call him that, but he's totally a young Jack, and the look on his face when he discovers the weapons is pure joy-on-the-down-low. He gathers up guns like they're Wonka bars and heads back into the main room. Élodie tells Syd to open up a case that has security monitors housed within, and orders her to figure out what they're up against. Syd looks at the monitors and determines that there are twelve black-clad gits outside and that they're planning something. She asks Élodie what it is they're planning. Oh, like she knows. Syd gets a view of a van with a tube running out of it, and she declares that it's gas and that the black-clad gits want to knock them out before they attack. Getty comes in and sees this and says that they're pumping the gas through the vents. Élodie grabs some tape and hands it to Syd, telling her to get into the bedroom and seal herself in. "I'll take out the truck," says Élodie. Getty stops her. "No, no, no, no. I'll go. You watch your father." And that was the moment when I knew for sure that Getty was truly a young Jack, because that's EXACTLY what a young Jack would have done. Sure, he's normally all cold and cocky and "I am the shiznit," but when it comes right down to it, he knows what matters and he'll be DAMNED if some bunch of black-clad EEJITS is gonna jeopardize that. So, Getty goes off to save the day and Syd and Élodie head off to the bedroom to tape themselves in against the gas.
Marshall's Garage of Geekiness. Marshall's digging through some of his geek trash when Rachel enters and tells him that Dixon's waiting for them. Marshall's all, yeah, uh, I'm looking for something…you know what an audio coupler is? "Yeah, like from WarGames," says Rachel. Hee. One of the best eighties movies EVER. Marshall's all, uh, you know WarGames? Rachel's all, uh, yeah, it's only like, my second favorite movie EVER. Marshall's all, no WAY. Don't tell anyone, but it's what inspired me to hack into the Pentagon for the first time. Rachel's intrigued. "How'd you get in?" she asks. "I, uh, went in through the electrical system," says Marshall. He geek-speaks about how he sweet-talked some woman named "Ina" to let him in and Rachel says, "I went straight in through the sewer controls." Heh. Marshall? You have met your match. And it has boobs. "Really?" he says. "That's smart…and…a lot easier…" Heh.
Rachel asks if they're hacking into the storage facility's network in order to find out where the Desantis files are stored and Marshall says they are. Rachel says that if they're going in via RF, then the network must be terminal. "Nah, it's a closed loop," says Marshall. I have no idea what they're talking about. And, oddly, I think that Rachel Gibson and Kevin Weisman don't either. Marshall finally finds what he's looking for and tosses it to Rachel. She takes it and walks out.
San Francisco. Dix and Rachel are in the Appleseed Van, getting tech instruction from Marshall. He's showing them "Charlotte," his little robot spider that has a CT scan camera imbedded in its belly. It takes images layer by layer, which Marshall demonstrates by shooting Dixon's face and then bringing the images up on his monitor. Dixon's face shows up, then the layers peel away, and we see the skeleton beneath. Pretty fucking cool. Charlotte will allow them to take images of the Desantis files without ever having to remove them from their storage container. Niiiiiiiice.
Rachel and Dix head into the storage facility. Rachel's obviously channeling Syd, because she's dressed to the nines in a knee-length A-line skirt, fitted jacket, patterned stockings, and red suede square-heeled pumps. I have no idea why this is important, but I thought she looked cool, so reporting the coolness seemed appropriate. Dix is pretending to be someone important who's storing something important at this important storage facility. The lackey in charge of storing his important stuff tries to sell him on the Most Secure Wing storage package, but Dix ain't buyin'. He says he doesn't want the most secure wing; he wants the wing they reserve for the people who will come looking for them if anything happens to their stuff. Storage Lackey immediately understands and grabs Dix's important stuff and starts to head off to the They'll Kill You If You Lose It storage wing. Dix opens his cell phone and pretends to realize that his battery is dead and instructs Rachel, his "assistant," to call his wife and tell her that they're running late. Rachel walks over to a phone by a table as Dix and Storage Lackey head off to the They'll Kill You If You Lose It storage wing.
Rachel sits and picks up the phone and plugs the audio coupler onto the base. It beeps, and Rachel puts the phone to her mouth and pretends to talk to Dix's wife. Marshall picks this up and says that the phone link is good and that he's accessing the network. Storage Lackey leads Dix into a locked room as Marshall somehow locates the Desantis files via the network. Rachel hangs up the phone coolly, as if she's done this a thousand times before. Storage Lackey is hard-selling the They'll Kill You If You Lose It storage room, but Dix is totally fine with it, so Storage Lackey sets Dix's precious box down on a shelf at the back and they exit to attend to paperwork. The door closes, and that's when Charlotte gets busy.
A hatch at the side of the box on the shelf opens up and Charlotte exits. She is wicked cool, y'all. And Marshall's controlling her from the Apple Van. She scoots around and, I have to say, I found myself kind of loving this little 'bot. I want one of my own! Or maybe I just want a puppy. Or a kitten. I may have issues. At any rate, Charlotte's scooting around, Marshall's controlling her, and I loved this whole scene. As Marshall's manning Charlotte, Dix and Rachel enter the van and observe. Marshall maneuvers Charlotte over to the spot where Desantis's files are supposedly located and he hits a button. Gold! It's the Desantis files. Dix tells Marshall to scan the rest of the documents and relay them to the Apple Store.
Warehouse of Not-So-Dead-Daddies. Syd's manning the Army radio, but she's not finding any signals. Élodie checks her dad and finds that he has a fever. "Why do they want him, Renée?" Syd asks. "Tell me the truth." Who is this "Renée" person they keep referring to? Then Élodie tells Her Story. She was very sick as a child and her medicine was expensive. Her father answered an ad in a newspaper for a job. Later that week, Papa came home with more money than Élodie had ever seen in her life. Papa was scared. They packed what they could and they left. Sound familiar? She knew Papa was running from someone and, one day in Geneva, they were found.
We're treated to a grainy sepia-toned flashback film of little Élodie at a window and then a man who looks nothing like Bauchau shoving little Élodie into a closet. He tells her in French to not open the closet door until tomorrow morning, no matter what she sees or hears. He touches her tenderly on the face and then shuts the door, saying he will see her tomorrow. Seconds later, from behind the closet door, little Élodie sees a bunch of men enter and grab her father and then stick him in the neck with a needle. The men drag her father off. Back in the present, Élodie says, "I later found out, that the man I saw take my father was Desantis. They were his clinical trials my father had been paid for." She looks down at her father. "I assumed he killed him that night." Syd looks at her. "This is why you began pursuing Prophet Five," she says. Élodie nods. "To make them pay."
Meanwhile, elsewhere in the warehouse, Getty's in pursuit of the black-clad gits. He comes upon a trio of them and watches as they disperse, leaving a lone git behind. Getty takes out the lone git in a couple of quick moves and tosses him down the stairs. When the remaining duo of the trio return, Lone Git comes tromping up the stairs and joins ranks with them as they move out. The camera moves in close and…the Lone Git has a scar on his right eyebrow. Getty's infiltrated the ranks of the Black-Clad Gits! He walks outside, pretending to be one of them, and promptly heads toward the gas-pumping van. He pulls a bomb out of his pocket (hee) and flicks a switch and it starts counting down. He sticks it to the undercarriage of the van and goes to walk away, but one of the Black-Clad Gits walks up and starts talking to him in French. I think we've already established that languages aren't Getty's strong suit.
Black-Clad Git grabs Getty when he doesn't respond and a fight ensues. Getty quickly knifes Black-Clad git in the chest (awesome) and glances down to see that the bomb clock is blinking "00.05" at him. Uh-oh. Getty starts running as other Black-Clad Gits start shooting at him. Eh, what does he care? Bomb, anyone? They keep shooting until, finally, the bomb goes off, blowing up the van and anyone in the immediate vicinity. Upstairs, Syd's looking out a window as Élodie asks what she sees. Syd sees nothing, so she has no idea if Getty made it out alive or not. Just then, there's the sound of glass breaking. Both Syd and Élodie grab their guns. They walk toward the bedroom door and suddenly Bauchau wakes up. He's all, honey? What's happenin'? Élodie's all, chill, Daddy. There are men with guns outside. No big thang. "They're coming for me," he says, rather calmly.
There's a huge knock at the door. It's Getty. Élodie and Syd rip down the gas-deflecting tape and throw open the door. Getty enters and Syd says, "Nice job." Heh. She likes him. In a little brother way. Or, you know, in a little-brother-who-blows-up-shit-to-make-sure-you-get-out-alive way. Getty moves over to the window and looks out, saying, "I think I just pissed 'em off. We need to get ready. They'll be comin' in soon." He turns back to Sydney. "Sydney, you stay here with her father. If I can take enough of 'em out, maybe they'll decide we're not worth it." God, I like his character. He gets shit DONE. He's such a do-er, you know? Élodie is also a do-er, apparently, because she turns to her father and tells him to sit tight; no one's taking him away from her again. And then she and Getty head off into the warehouse to battle Black-Clad Gits.
Washington, D.C. I wish I could say something funny about this location, but there's really nothing funny about it at all, is there? We hear classical music on the soundtrack as we head to a skating rink where various people are practicing their figure eights and Hamill Camels. Senator Lewis stands on the sidelines, watching her daughter practice. Sloane slithers up behind her. "She's quite talented," says Sloane. "Thank you," says the senator. "You must be quite proud," says Sloane. "You have no idea," says the senator, finally turning around. The proud smile on her face dies when she sees Arvin "The Ruinator" Sloane standing before her. "Senator Lewis," he smarms. "What can I do for you, Mister Sloane?" she bites.
Sloane smears his way over to her and says he was hoping to chat with her for a bit and she's all, uh, dude? If you're hoping to find clearance into the Apple Store, you've come sliming up the wrong tree stump, okay? Sloane's all, oh, honey, I was just hoping I could get you to reconsider your position, especially in light of my daughter and her condition. Senator Lewis shows a soft spot by saying that she was sorry to hear about his daughter. Dumb-ass. Sloane goes on to say that he was really banking on using Apple Store resources to find a cure for his little girl, so Senator Lewis voting him back in would be a great help. Lewis is all, oh, uh-huh, I'm sure my vote would be a GREAT help to you, but if it were up to me, your ass would still be in PRISON, so stop trying to persuade me, you bottom-feeder. Sloane's all, oh, uh-huh, okay, I understand that, by the way, have you seen these lovely photos of your sleeping daughter I had taken recently? They're really quite beautiful. Especially considering that they were taken at close range. How about that security detail, huh? "Makes you wonder if you can keep her safe at all," he quips.
Just then, Daughter Lewis skates up to talk to her mom. "I was just telling your mother how talented you are!" says Sloane. "You know, you skate like an angel." God, he's disgusting. LOVE IT. "Thank you," says Daughter Lewis, skating off. "You're welcome," slithers Sloane. Lewis turns back to him. "Enjoy the rest of your day, Senator," he sneers. "Thank you, in advance, for your support." He walks off, and there's this moment when he grabs onto the frame of the ice guard where it looks like he's about to fall over, and then he maintains. The look on his face is of utter disgust. As much as I'd like to believe the old Evil Uncle Inappropriate is back, I'd have to say that, as of this viewing, he's back, but reluctantly. Because he looks totally disgusted by what he's just done, and only Ron Rifkin can pull something like that off. He can make me hate him and love him at the same time. Damn. The man just RULES.
Warehouse of Not-So-Dead-Daddies. Élodie and Getty go look at the monitors and discover that all the Black-Clad Gits are gone. Getty thinks they're on the roof. Élodie notices that Getty's hurt and starts to get a bandage for him, even though he gruffs at her that it's nothing. He pulls off his jacket, revealing some fairly nice biceps, and then pulls a beeping locator device out of the jacket pocket. "I found this device," he says. Good job, Getty! You found a beeping device! You rock! As Élodie patches up his arm, he says that it's a tracker device and that all of the guys had one. He says it's probably following a signal and Élodie asks, "To what?" Getty takes the device and follows its signal over to the chamber. Élodie follows along behind him. On the exterior of the chamber, there's a small box that's emitting a faint blinking red glow. "It's the emergency beacon," says Getty. "You must have activated it when you opened the container." Élodie disagrees, thinking she might have noticed a big-ass blinking red light on the outside of the container. Somehow, Getty gets the bizarro idea that he can somehow piggyback off the signal from the container and signal a call for help. Élodie nods her silent agreement to this plan. I honestly don't know what's going on. Isn't it fun?
Apple Store. Jack's rooting around in some files when Dix approaches with his report from DSR on the chamber. Jack tells him that Rachel and Marshall are going over the Desantis files in the conference room so, um, why not go there and hang out with them? Dix is like, yeah, sure, I'll get there soon. But in the meantime, I just got off the phone with the office of Senator Diane Lewis and, uh, her office was following up with a request to reinstate Arvin Sloane's security clearance so he could return to the Apple Store. Oh, I told them I didn't know what in the HELL they were talking about. Jack is all, uh, yeah, the request came from me. It was granted, right? Dix is like, oh, sure, yeah, he's been given full access. Gold level, baby! "Are you certain this is the right course of action?" asks Dix. "I believe Arvin Sloane now has a single purpose," says Jack. "To save the life of his daughter. If it is within my power to help him with that endeavor, I will do so. Gladly." Dix, who's no eejit, says, "Of course." Inside, he's thinking, "Fool, do what you want. I'm keeping a major eye on that bastard." He turns to go, but stops and looks back at Jack. "I suppose having him here at APO allows us to keep a close eye on his activities." Jack just looks at him. "Yes, that thought crossed my mind as well." Snerk.
Conference Room of Geeks and Geekiness. Marshall and Rachel are going over the Desantis files. They keep coming across files with "Garceau" or "Gorceau" mentioned. (I'm going with "Gorceau" from here on out, because, honestly, I have no idea who in the hell they're talking about anyway.) All they can tell from what they've found is that Mr. Gorceau was healthy at the time he was abducted. Dixon enters and shares his DSR information and basically says that while Gorceau was in the box, his brain functions were severely limited. The container was also administering doses of a drug that prohibits the immune system from attacking itself; it's similar to drugs administered to organ donor recipients. Hmmm…brain functions…immuno-suppressive drugs…makes you wonder, don't it?
Rachel pipes up that Gorceau hadn't had any organ transplants. Marshall looks over and asks if what she has there are Gorceau's EEG readings. "I don't get this," he says, looking fairly confused. thing we know, we're in Jack's office, and Jack's looking at brain scans. Marshall and Rachel are trying to tell Jack that the original bran scans of Gorceau don't match the brain scans of the man in the container that were taken three weeks ago. "You're suggesting the man that came out of that container is not Luc Gorceau?" says Jack. "That's right," says Marshall. "Then who is he?" asks Jack. "Someone who's…not Luc Gorceau," waffles Marshall. Dix walks in and says that he just tried the clinic in France and Getty and Syd never arrived. Oh, lord. Welcome to Brain Transplant Theater, people.
Warehouse of Not-So-Dead Daddies Who Actually Have Someone Else's Brain. Syd's at the window, looking out. Bauchau speaks up and says that the people Syd took him from want him back; so why not give him up? Syd doesn't think that's an option. Bauchau says that twenty years ago, he let them capture him, to keep Élodie safe. "Nothing has changed," he says. "I am her father. It is my job to protect her." Syd thinks that it will destroy Élodie if her father is killed. Bauchau doesn't think they will kill him. "Once they tracked the beacon up here," he says, "they could have blown us to bits! But they did not." Syd gets that look on her face. You know that look: like she's smelling a pile of particularly pungent bullshit. "They want me alive," he says. "What beacon?" asks Syd. Bauchau looks up from beneath his eyelids. Uh oh. "You just said they tracked a beacon," she continues. "What beacon?" Bauchau gets wise to her and reaches under a coat and pulls out a gun. It's Syd's gun, I think, since it seems to have come from under her coat. That bastard. Stealing a pregnant lady's gun!
When we come back from commercial, Bauchau is maneuvering Syd out into the main room of the warehouse via a gun at her back. He orders Élodie and Getty to put the radio down. Élodie's all, Papa! Papa is all, this woman was trying to kill me! Syd is all, oh, please! He's the reason we're being attacked! Getty grabs his gun and points it at Bauchau. Élodie grabs her gun and points it at Getty. Standoff. Syd says that Bauchau said they tracked a beacon; he sent the signal; he led them here. Bauchau tells Élodie not to listen to Sydney, that she's only trying to confuse them. "This isn't an abduction," says Sydney, "it's a rescue."
Élodie looks at her father. "How do you know about the beacon?" Bauchau is all, honey, I'm your father, remember? I protected you! Syd's all, that's right! Your father protected you! Remember? You said that your father left you somewhere safe! "Ask him where he hid you!" hisses Syd. Élodie considers this, then asks her father to tell her. He has no answer, and instead hems and haws about it being twenty years ago and how he can't remember. "But for you, it was only yesterday," she says, moving her gun to point directly at his head. "Who are you?" Suddenly, an explosion blows through an exterior wall and everyone dives. A helicopter appears beyond the hole and something gets thrown through it. Syd watches as Bauchau dives for the something. It turns out to be a harness of sorts and, as Getty and Élodie get up and shoot the shit out of the helicopter, Bauchau puts on the harness. The helicopter flies away, and Bauchau flings himself out of the hole and gets carried away with the 'copter.
Later that day, Syd's filling in Élodie on the whereabouts of her not-dad. APO tracked the helicopter to a small airport and, shortly after it landed, an executive aircraft took off, bound for North Korea. "And that man?" asks Élodie, stuffing her duffle full of all her worldly goods: baby tees, razor blades for hair maintenance, lip gloss, combat pants, an AK-47, extra ammo, Olay skin cream… "We still don't know," says Syd. "We're working on it." Élodie continues to pack her bag with a parka, some snowshoes, cupcakes, a chess board, a harpoon (you never know), Jenga, a Rubik's Cube, some hairpins (again, you never know), some Aveda Confixor, and a stuffed weasel. "We've seen things like this before, believe it or not," says Syd. "Doubling technology…but it's impossible to say. My team is still reviewing Desantis's papers. Hopefully, they'll give us some insight into Prophet Five. I'll contact you as soon as we know anything."
Élodie picks up the toy bear that she was holding as a little girl when she was back in the closet her father hid her in. "I thought I had him back," she says. "I know," says Syd. "Michael always told me I could come to you," says Élodie. "I didn't trust him. I was wrong." She looks at Syd. "Thank you." Syd looks almost embarrassed. "Yeah," she says, looking down at a spot on the floor in the hopes that Michael Vartan will magically appear. Élodie looks down at the same spot, but nothing happens. DAMMIT.
Kaesong, North Korea. There's really nothing funny about that. We're outside what looks like a prison. Then we hear a door clanging open and we're inside and Gordo is storming his way through a hall. He walks into a medical facility room and Bauchau is laid out on a gurney, getting medical attention. Gordo looks down at him and says, "Gordon Dean. How're you feeling, Dr. Desantis?" "Couldn't be better," says Bauchau. "Thank you." "I'm told there shouldn't be any lingering side effects from the procedure," says Gordo. "Twenty-three years," says Bauchau. Or should I say Desantis? "The cohesion problem was solved once we understood how to re-sequence the information," says Gordo. "Girl's alive," says Desantis. "She calls herself 'Renée Rienne.' Works with the CIA." "Well," says Gordo, "then keeping an eye on her won't be a problem."
Especially when Sloane is in the hizzouse! The door to the Apple Store opens up and Sloane is in the red-clad outer room. As the Strings of Oh, Shit, Sloane's Back In Town play across the soundtrack, Sloane pretty much saunters into the Apple Store with a sick twist to his already nasty lips. Jack waits for him at the end of the hallway and it's almost like a stand-off at the OK Corral, only there are sneers and twisted lips in place of guns. Whoo boy, would I pay good money for tickets to THAT showdown.
on Alias: A week off! Yay! I'm going to paint my toenails! And then my dog's toenails! And then my neighbor's dog's toenails! Wooooo!