Previously on Alias: The competition for the Worst Spy Ever began.
Tonight on Alias, I hate to say it, but my least-favorite device, the 72 Hours Earlier gambit, rears its ugly head again. Fortunately, the rest of the episode doesn't suck nearly as bad as the one. But, really, it'd have to be made from moose dung and covered in a layer of open sores to be worse than that piece of crap. What? I'm cranky.
We begin on the Monte Carlo set of Disney Backlot #2298. Syd drives up to the front door of a casino in a Jag, and Getty, acting as a valet and sporting a ridiculously funny moustache, gets her door. Syd Bristow-swaggers (actually, it's more like Bristow-waddles now; girlfriend is BURSTING) inside and looks around with her best "I'm a bad-ass spy, beeyotch!" expression plastered onto her face. She heads right over to a craps table and throws down a stack of cash and starts working the table, but good.
After giving the parking garage attendant this loopy wink-and-finger-as-a-gun action, Getty heads into the underground. Back at the table, Syd's rubbing the dice all over her boobs and generally acting like a less-subtle version of Peg Bundy. Heh. She's totally into it too. She's also winning. She rubs the dice all over her big fat baby belly for luck, and Garner's face is killing me. She's all pouty and attitudinal and thisclose to white trash and DAMN her boobs are nearly as distracting as Boobs McPhee's. Meanwhile, Getty breaks into some room and then into a circuit box or something. Dixon, acting as a casino patron, chastises Syd for being pregnant and in a casino. Syd's all, shut it, Frenchie. There's really not much need to recap this whole scene. Syd's winning, Dixon thinks she should be barefoot and cooking some man dinner, and Getty's running around breaking into shit.
The pit boss checks Syd's dice and, sure enough, they're leaded or something, so she gets pulled into the back room. Syd acts all shocked and stuff, but the boss just pulls the real set of dice out of her cleavage. Heh. Syd readies her gun and when the boss, just like Dix, chastises her for being pregnant and in a casino, Syd's all, what can I say? I'm not like other moms. Also? Y'all have some pretty archaic ideas of what pregnant moms can or can't do. P.S. Gambling involves standing or sitting around and blowing lots of money and probably isn't going to tax the fetus all that much, really. I mean, it's not like she's putting her baby in danger by sitting in her car while it's dangling in mid-air while attached to a giant magnet. Oh. Never mind. Aaaaanyway, Syd quickly tranq darts all the guys guarding her. Heh. Oh, and blow your nose, Garner. She totally has a cold in this scene. Her line comes out "I dot like udder bombs." Heh. Udder Bombs is totally the name of my new band.
Syd scoots off to the vault, which I'm imagining is her real reason for being here, and she tells "Sidewinder" that she's approaching the vault, so how are they doing on time? "Sidewinder" is Getty's call sign and he answers that he's going to need a bit more time. Oh, sure. Syd's got all the time in the world, homes. She's just sticking a precision suction glasscutter onto the vault and, you know, BREAKING INTO IT. Syd easily gets into the vault and says she needs the key code. Getty gets it to her just in time; she grabs "the package" and leaves. Getty then brings her car around and Syd drives off. She checks in with Jack and he asks how it went. "Well, I think I lost about nine hundred thousand of our money, depending on the exchange rate." Heh. What does Jack say? "Copy that." HEE. His daughter just lost a bunch of coin and his only response is "copy that." Tee hee hee. ["Our tax dollars at work, ladies and germs." -- Sars] Syd drives her car toward a ferry port and a guard stops her. A big-ass truck pulls up behind her and at that same moment, a super-magnet drops from the sky and attaches itself to Syd's car, pulling her up into the air. Her cell phone rings. It's Gordo. He wants his "property" back. He wants Mockingbird. Syd plays dumb, but she totally knows what Mockingbird is. Gordo wants it delivered to him within the hour or he's going to drop her. And that's when it happens: the words "72 HOURS EARLIER" flash onto the screen.
I know. It hurts me too, children. It hurts me too.
Apple Store. Boobs is scribbling on some papers. Syd approaches, bearing a glass of water and a delicious turkey sandwich on a china plate. No vending-machine Munchos™ for the Appleseed Gang! Syd tells Boobs she needs to eat and get some rest and that the debriefing can wait, but Boobs says the sooner she gets through this, the sooner they can tackle bringing Gordo to justice. Actually, she delivers a rather long speech about being held together by a thread and knowing the truth and the mercenary organization and killing all her coworkers and so on; but the nutshell version is, the sooner she finishes, the sooner they go nab Gordo and she gets to ease her conscience. There's a nice little moment when Syd tells Boobs not to call her "Ms. Bristow," but other than that, nothing much of note happens. Oh, except for when Syd mentions that the name "Mockingbird" keeps floating up in Boobs's data; what does it mean? Boobs says it's her call sign. No, Boobs! "Boobs" is your call sign! Silly Boobs!
And now is the time on Alias when we promise to believe in the Baby Jesus again if he brings us an episode that rocks even a little bit.
Headquarters of the Badly Named Mercenary Organization. Gordo's talking to some sunken-cheeked dude about some target or something. The dude actually looks like the post-cheating Ethan Hawke, but with less guilt around the eyes. Gordo wants Post-Cheating Ethan Hawke to deal with the target, but we don't find out until much later in the episode who the target is or what Gordo wants done to/with him/her. After Post-Cheating Ethan Hawke leaves, Peyton walks over and informs Gordo that all their satellite locations have been abandoned. She hands him her laptop, telling him she needs his pass code to complete the wire transfer she's set up. He gets all hooded with her and she's like, damn you're paranoid! He runs a mercenary organization, Peyton, I'd saying being paranoid comes with the territory.
Apple Store. Marshall tells the troops that he's been monitoring Gordo's bank accounts and thirty minutes ago, Gordo liquidated everything. But not to worry; Marshall's on the case. He says he's quite the tracker. "I'm kinda like a Comanche Indian," he says. "You know…a Comanche Indian who…tracks data." Jack's face is like, "Nert. NERRRRRRT." Hee. Marshall goes on to say that Gordo stored all the funds in a Cayman Islands account designated -- "1017," interjects Boobs. "It's the agency failsafe account." She set it up and used her birthday, October 17, as the designation. Syd thinks they should just break into the account and take away Gordo's operational funds. Boobs is all, yeah, great idea, except for the fact that it's a trapdoor account and can't be hacked. You have to be at the bank to access it, and you need the prearranged responses to Gordo's protocol questions. Too bad the only copy of the protocol is on the server in Gordo's office back in Prague. You remember Prague, don't you? It fall down and go boom.
But an exploded office is no obstacle for the Appleseed Gang! Syd tells Boobs that they found out via the Czech authorities that several servers were inventoried, and Marshall designed some recovery software that can help them reconstruct the protocol. The bad news is that the Czech authorities won't release the contents of the office until after they've finished their investigation. That means they'll have to go back to Prague and access the protocol from inside the office. Boobs is all, oh HELL NO. I'm not going back there. Syd says they'll lose Gordo if they don't. Of course Boobs goes.
Hearing Room of Sham Trials for Spiky-Haired Good/Evil Men. Sloane, who previously was wandering around Moscow in search of some vodka, is now seated in a hearing room, patiently awaiting his trial. Jack enters and takes a seat to his buddy. Then, an angel flings down from the sky and rains fire and brimstone upon poor Prior and --oh, wait. Never mind. This isn't Angels in America. That's just Stephen Spinella acting as Sloane's judge and jury. Spinella spouts off some legalese, basically cluing us all into the fact that Sloane hasn't been granted a lawyer. Spinella then asks Sloane about the pardon agreement Sloane signed and Sloane repeats what most of us already know from the season opener of last year; namely, that Sloane agreed to head up the Apple Store and was pardoned for his crimes. Spinella lists off Sloane's crimes, which include among them murder, treason, conspiracy to murder, blackmail, baby-snatching, puppy-kicking, milk-spoiling, and failure to put the toilet seat down, like, EVER. Sloane's all, yeah, whatever, I was pardoned. Deal with it. Spinella's all, oh, I'll deal with it, you homicidal maniac. I'll deal with it RIGHT NOW.
Cayman Islands of Unlikely Partnerships. Dix and Getty are walking along the beach on their way to meet the bank emissary. Getty asks if they have a description of the emissary; Dix says they don't, but that the emissary has been given their descriptions. The emissary is going to show up and escort them to the bank, keeping the bank location itself a secret. "If he shows up and tries to blindfold us," says Getty, "he might have a problem. I'm not in the mood for blindfolds today." Heh. He's really growing on me. "Noted," says Dix dryly. Tee hee. They park it on some chairs in the sand and wait for the emissary.
Prague. Again. Some more. Syd and Boobs approach the blown-up office and before even entering, Boobs is all, I CAN'T DO THIS BECAUSE I'M SCARED NO DON'T MAKE ME I AM GOING TO CRY. Syd's just like, dude? You need to chill. Just become someone else, she instructs Boobs. Unpleasant tasks will be much easier if you just crawl inside someone else's skin and let THEM do the dirty work. Syd clips fake Czech intelligence badges onto their lapels and tells Boobs that when they walk into the offices, they will immediately outrank everyone there and that Boobs needs to ACT LIKE IT. "We see this type of thing every day," she snaps, walking off. They enter the office and the place is a shambles and Boobs is about to lose it. "You see this every day?" she quivers. Suddenly, she closes her eyes hard and opens them again. "We see this every day," she grits. A very nice moment there.
Boobs moves through the office and there's an effective cross-fade into the office in the past, with the staff alive and working at their computers. The only difference is they're all staring at Boobs in an accusatory manner. It's actually a bit disturbing. Syd and Boobs continue moving through the office until they come upon a room at the end of the floor. Boobs declares that the server should be there, and Syd says they should get to work. Back in the Caymans, a beautiful woman with a briefcase approaches Dix and Getty. Her name is Pierpont, and she's here to escort them to the bank. Dix drags his drooling jaw up off the sand, and he and Getty follow Pierpont to the bank.
Back in the server room, Boobs has located the specific server, and Syd gets a phone call. It's Dix, pretending that Syd's the front desk at a hotel and that he's canceling his massage. Syd interprets this to mean that they don't have as much time as they thought. Boobs turns the server over, and there appears to be flesh and blood burned into it. Looks like the server landed on someone, huh? Boobs is justifiably freaked by this, and Syd's like, whooooa, Nelly. Hang on. Just breathe. Uh. I'll…I'll deal with the server. You…go puke in the corner. Boobs is like, dude? I'm outta here. Syd's all, no! You can't! You have to help me with the server! Finally, Syd calms her down enough to where Boobs can handle getting the computer out of her bag, and they get to work.
Meanwhile, Getty and Dix are getting escorted to a tent at the back of the beach. The bank's not as far as you'd think. And it apparently comes with potted palms and large ape-ish bodyguards. Pierpont says the bank no longer has a fixed location and that they do all their business remotely. Good to know there are large amounts of wealth just floating around like dust motes. Pierpont opens up her computer as the two thugs point guns at Dix and Getty. Dix is all, whuh? With the huh? Are guns really necessary? Back with Boobs, Syd's dealing with the skin-encrusted server. She removes a portion of fabric with…bone attached? Ew. Then she gets the hard drive that Boobs needs. She walks over to Boobs and hands over the drive. Boobs hooks it up and hacks into the protocol.
At the same time, Pierpont's beginning her questioning. Question #1: The select blood runs through? The answer: Roquet's Heart. Syd relays this to Dix. Question #2: The future's history is written in? The answer: The Ink of the past. Syd looks over at Boobs all, what in the HELL is up with these questions? Question #3: What the mirror reflects. Answer: Lives eternal. No, seriously, what's up with these questions? They're not even questions. They're more like the definitive statements of a raving loony. Question #4: If there was never a one, there was ever [insert suitably Rambaldi-esque answer here]. Just then, the hard drive goes batshit and Boobs can't get the answer. Dix rolls his eyes and looks at the ceiling and he and Getty play for time with some improvised "It's your turn!" and "No, it's YOUR turn!" dialogue. Heh. Boobs wracks her brain for the answer and suddenly comes up with "The Twelve." Dix repeats the answer and Pierpont hands over the computer. "Gentlemen? We are at your service."
Syd and Boobs leave their post and head home as Dix accesses Gordo's funds and withdraws everything. Peyton is just sitting at her desk, staring at the empty accounts. She runs off to Gordo and tells him about the account. Gordo's stunned, claiming that no one can do that. But then it dawns on him: the only person who knew how that account worked aside from him was Boobs, so she must still be alive. "We need to get her back," says Gordo with that tone in his voice that says, "Dead or alive isn't necessary; just dead will do."
We check back in with the Sloane trial, where the discussion has turned to OmniFam and how Sloane pretended he was doing good, but he was really forcing bad orchid water onto Third World countries. Or something. I'm still not sure what all that OmniFam shit was all about. Also? What is this, This is Your Life, Arvin Sloane? Guess the creators are attempting to bring new viewers up to speed, huh? Silly creators! Don't you know you don't HAVE any new viewers? By the way, Rifkin and Spinella are awesome in these scenes; they're just not really necessary to recap. Especially if you've been watching the four seasons. Basically, these proceedings are a formality; Sloane's going down and Spinella's gonna laugh while he burns.
Later, Jack is giving Sloane a pep talk. Too bad that Spy Daddy's version of a pep talk involves talking about federal penitentiaries and quick trials. Sloane thanks Jack for getting Sydney and Dixon to write statements on Sloane's behalf. Man, how'd Jack wrangle that? "Syd? Marcus? There's something I'd like you to do. But first, would anyone care for some weed? No? Crystal meth? Brain surgery? Whatever you need, it's yours." Sloane gives Jack power of attorney over Nadia. Not that it matters because she's NOT ON THE SHOW ANYMORE. Jack gives Sloane his word that he'll look after Nadia as if she were his own daughter. Not that she IS his own daughter or anything. What? Please. You know you're still thinking it. Admit it.
Conference Room of Endless Expositions. Dix is telling the troops that Gordo's getting sloppy in his panicked state. A call he made to a French associate was recorded. In the call, he tells the associate that he needs to retrieve his operational archives and the associate tells him that they're safe at his casino in Monte Carlo. Syd gets an idea. "What'd we do with all that money we seized?" We bought a ticket to Disneyland! Last one on the Matterhorn is a rotten egg! Speaking of lands of make-believe, Sloane's down in his cell, trying to write a letter to his daughter. Dude, she's in a COMA. She's not READING. As Sloane sits there writing, a man watches him from outside the cell. "Having trouble sleeping, Mr. Sloane?" he says. It's Post-Cheating Ethan Hawke. Looks like Sloane's the target Gordo had his eye on. Post-Cheating Ethan Hawke blabbles a bunch of crap at Sloane about Nadia and how he won't be able to save her from inside the penitentiary and how the people he works for may be able to sway the jury in his favor and Sloane just half-lids his eyes and is like, dude? What. Do. You. WANT? Nothing's for free, homie. We don't find out what Post-Cheating Ethan Hawke wants, however, but we can probably guess. One word: Ram-fucking-baldi.
Conference Room of Endless Expositions. They're going over their plan. Marshall comes rolling in and throws some dice down on the table. He's all, look! Seven! Every time! Syd's all, dude? You're not supposed to hit seven in craps. Marshall's all, but…seven! Seven. Seven? …Seven? Hee. He runs off to fix the dice so they roll properly. Syd and Dix are discussing the pass code on the vault, and Boobs pipes up that she can get around the pass code. Everyone looks at her like, huh? Boobs says she can decrypt the algorithm; she just needs access to the building's network. She wants to go with them on the gig.
Aaaaand now we're back to where we started. We get a repeat of everything from the beginning, only this time, when Getty goes to open the trunk of Syd's car, Boobs is lying inside. Heh. She looks up at him and smiles calmly, and he just reaches in and pulls her out. She sets up a PDA on top of the circuit box and goes to work as Getty watches. She turns to him and says that she needs a piece of paper, and he runs off to get it. Syd makes her way to the vault and tells Getty she's ready. He tells Boobs that she'd better get a move on. She shoots him a look. "Do you want to come over here and do the advanced binomial calculus? Because I'd be more than happy to stand there and watch." Hee. Oh, she gets her name back for that one. Welcome to the party, Rachel! This is the point at which Getty gets on the horn and tells Syd that Sidewinder's gonna need a little more time. Rachel gets the code in time, of course, and Syd gets the package. Rachel gets back in the trunk and Getty delivers the car to Syd.
We catch up once again at the ferry and the situation with the magnet in the sky. The difference this time is that Rachel's in the back and we know it and she's hearing everything. Oh, and panicking. Gordo wants Mockingbird or she drops. Syd says he can't drop her because he'll destroy his archives. Gordo says the laptop is a fake and to quit fucking around. Syd finally cops to Mockingbird's whereabouts and says she's in protective custody in a safe house in Philly. Gordo wants her delivered to the 30th Street Station in 30 minutes or less. Wonder if they're late Gordo will get his pizza for free? So Syd gets of the phone with him and then does what any good spy would do: she calls her daddy. Jack orders Marshall to task satellites over Syd's location and then he tells her to route any of Gordo's calls through the Apple Store so they can monitor the situation. "Don't worry," he says, "we'll get you down." "You better," says Syd. Heh. Dix and Getty are heading toward Syd. Syd asks Rachel how she's doing. Rachel's boobs answer, "We're doing fine, and we liked our name better! Fuck Rachel!" Seriously. Her boobs are pulling major focus right here and it's all I can do not to call her Boobs McPhee again, but honestly, it's not her fault she has boobs sticking out of her shirt. I blame Drew Goddard and Frederick Toye. Boob-lovers. BOOB-LOVERS!
Syd starts scrambling around the car, looking for something to help them get out of this situation while Rachel basically just moans and worries, and finally Syd says, "Don't worry. I've been in much worse situations than this." Then there's this shot of the back seat and Rachel's little voice quivering from behind it: "You have?" Hee. Dix and Getty get to the cab of the magnet crane and climb up into it. Dix looks at the controls and then realizes he's looking right into a little spy cam mounted on the glass. Oops. Gordo orders Peyton to release the car; she does, and Syd and Rachel drop about twenty feet. Yikes. Peyton reactivates the magnet, catching the car before it drops all the way. This time, both Syd and Rachel are suitably freaked the hell out.
Gordo orders Jack to pull his agents offsite. Jack relays this order to Dix and Getty. Marshall tries to intercept the signal on the remote control Peyton's using on the site. Gordo tells Syd he wants confirmation that Mockingbird's en route. Rachel understands this to mean that Gordo wants her to call him and she's all, dude. NO WAY. He'll totally know. I'm a terrible liar. Syd tells her again to become someone else and make the call. She says that men like Gordo want power; you just have to fool them into thinking they have it, and then hit 'em when they're not looking. Rachel pulls out her phone and calls Gordo. She does a good job of acting scared (because she is) and a decent job of lying about where she is. Too bad a ferry horn goes off in the middle of the call, cluing Gordo in on the fact that Rachel's right there with Sydney.
Sydney suddenly tells Rachel to go to Plan B and to kick the back of the seat as hard as she can and then hand over the crowbar. Gordo's pissed. Syd then breaks the sunroof, grabs Rachel's hand, and slaps the precision suction glasscutter from the vault onto the bottom of the magnet just as Peyton hits the release button and the car drops. Syd and Rachel just slide right through the sunroof and swing in the breeze, safely attached to the magnet via the suction cutter. Heh. Totally implausible and completely impossible. And yet, totally fun and completely cool. Especially the part where a big ol' pregnant woman can hold the weight of herself AND her partner via one hand. Hee.
Sloane's Passage to Freedom. We're back in the hearing room, where Spinella's delivering his fake summation. He blathers on about how much he detests Sloane's tactics and how the way Sloane does business is abysmal and gives the CIA a bad name. And then he goes right on to say, "However, while I may detest your methods, I cannot deny your results." At this point, Jack shoots a panicked look at Sloane and his expression is like, the fuck? What in the…what're you up to, you despicable little toad? So, Spinella sets Sloane free, even though he clearly doesn't want to and would rather dip Sloane in a vat of hot wax and turn him to the latest candle from Archipelago, "Stinky Sloane." Sloane just looks bemused. Jack looks pissed.
Plane of Potential Lesbian Love. What? I'm not saying Rachel's a lesbian. I'm just saying that she's looking at Syd like she's a bacon double cheeseburger with special sauce and a side of fries and might even be smacking her lips a bit. Everyone on the plane is sleeping except for Rachel. She doesn't know how they can all sleep after what they've been through. "It's never gonna be over, is it?" asks Rachel. "I'm gonna be with you awhile." Syd looks over at her as if to say, "Well, you're not 'with' with me, are you? I mean, unless you want to move in with me and help me raise my dead fiancé's baby and heeeeey! That's not a bad idea! Bring your stuff over tomorrow! We'll bake! And, no, you may not kiss me. But you can rub my feet. Promise!" Oh, okay, Syd just says that Rachel will be with them for as long as it takes for her to be safe. Rachel asks how long that will be; Syd has no idea. But she knows that Rachel can't leave until they bring in Dean. "It's never gonna be safe, is it?" says Rachel, referring to the fact that, even if they bring in Dean, there will still be bad guys out there. "I guess we'll have to bring 'em all down," grits Syd.
Speaking of bringing 'em all down, Sloane is walking out of the hearing room a free man. He passes Post-Cheating Ethan Hawke, who gets up and follows him out the door to freedom. Oooooh, I love Ambiguously Evil Sloane!
on Alias: Who is in THE BOX? No, seriously. We find out. Or we think we find out. Or who knows? I just know that if week's episode continues to exhibit signs of not sucking, we'll be on a winning streak and I'll have to go around wearing the same pair of socks until the winning streak ends or something. DON'T THINK I WON'T DO IT.