Previously on Alias: I finished the first recap.
British Embassy, Vienna. 18 Months Ago. Jack is up on a balcony, looking devastatingly handsome in a lovely old tux. He's watching the entrance. In walks…LENA FUCKING OLIN. She's wearing a stunning purple gown and looks about twenty years younger than her actual age. Jack watches her with not a little interest. You would too if you were looking at Lena Fucking Olin. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I'm as straight a chick as they come, but Lena Olin? Burns my retinas, she's so hot. Good Lord. Ahem. So, Irina enters and some dude hands her an envelope, which she opens. She looks off thoughtfully and we get our first glimpse of the only thing that can or will detract from her loveliness: the bizarre purple flower dangling out of the middle of the back of her head. I have no idea what it's doing there or why it's just…hanging there, but I hope to have a reason by, say, midway through Season Five?
Minutes later, we're down in the pool area. Irina slinks along and Jack is sitting there, waiting for her, with chilled champagne. She says she was pleased to get his note because this party is looking to be insufferable. Jack hands her a glass and says that he would prefer not to waste what little time they have together on idle banter. She giggles sexily at him and sips. "What do you suggest?" she asks. "A dance?" he says. She likes this idea and takes his hand and turns…revealing the damned purple orchid just HANGING onto the back of her head for dear life. Why isn't it behind her ear? Why isn't it holding some of her hair back? WHAT PURPOSE IS IT SERVING? Seriously. Anything that can distract me from watching Lena Olin is dangerous indeed.
Even though there's no music playing, Irina and Jack move easily into each other's arms and start slow-dancing. I'm not going to go into too many details, primarily because if I keep on blathering about how awesome Lena Olin is and how glad I am to have her back, y'all are going to be well and sick of me by, uh, page two of this damn thing. I'll just say that Irina and Jack dance very, very well together. There's a laidback sexiness to both of them that I honestly don't know how they achieve. Jack says, "You…broke my heart, Irina." "That was another lifetime," she says breathily. "I won't do it again." "Good to know," says Jack, smiling. Uh-oh. Jack's smiling. This can't be good. Irina kisses him and, after a hesitation, Jack returns the kiss. They start making out but good. Need I say how blisteringly hot it is? I probably needn't. Suffice it to say that Lena Olin could probably make kissing a freshwater trout seem hot.
The kissing is over just as soon as it began, however, because Irina pulls back suddenly and declares that she'd better get back to the party. Jack grabs her. "Tell me, Irina," he snaps, "how did it feel, giving the order? Was it difficult or…were you able to remain cold? Indifferent? Were you amused?" Irina just looks at him, bemused. "Jack, this is cryptic," she drawls. "Even for you." "Well, let me be clear," he says. "How did it feel to pay a man to kill your own daughter?" Irina is suddenly deadly serious. "You weren't supposed to find out." Jack smiles wryly. "You didn't feel a thing, did you? How is that possible? Were Sydney and I nothing to you? Merely strategic alliances to be disposed of once we'd outlived our usefulness? After all we've been through, Irina, I deserve an explanation. Why?" Irina doesn't answer. "I NEED A REASON." "Because it had to be done," she finally says. That's a good enough reason for Jack. He whips out his gun and points it directly at her forehead. "Jack…" she says cautiously. "Damn you," says Jack, pulling the trigger. Irina falls back into the pool, an expression of pure and utter joy upon her face as the bubbles plink out of the GAPING HOLE IN HER HEAD.
Okay, that was just weird. Hot, but weird.
Back in present day, Jack's thinking it was weird too. Especially the purple orchid. What was UP with that shit? As Jack's pondering the oddness of female hair accoutrements, his daughter enters the Apple Store via her secret gateway. They walk directly to each other, and Jack asks how Dix is and has his story changed? Syd says he's stable and no, Dix still swears he saw Syd's dead mother walkin' and talkin' in Prague. Syd thinks Dix is delusional. Jack thinks Dix may be onto something. "Dad, you killed her!" says Syd. "I killed a woman I believed to be your mother," he says, all too reasonably. "Sound familiar?" He goes on to talk about Project Helix and Syd thinks this all sounds a wee bit too convenient. They need Irina and here she is, just dangled right in front of them. Syd thinks that Elena's manipulating them to go after Irina, even though she's dead. Jack thinks that Syd might be afraid to hope that Irina's alive, because it could be a false hope. "Maybe it's easier for you to believe that Mom's alive than to live with what you did," says Syd. Jack digests this, his upper left cheek twitching with annoyance, and says that whatever the hell Sydney thinks, they're still pursuing every damn lead, so she'd better get on that Irina-may-be-alive scenario, okay?
Syd goes stalking into the office and I swear, for a second there, she looked like both Nadia AND Irina. Bizarre. Speaking of Nadia, she stops Syd and asks after Dix. Syd stops to talk to her and we catch up with Vaughn as he walks and talks on the phone with the DCI. Marshall hollers that he has something and Vaughn walks over to see what it is. Marshall has some data blocks that are still intact from the DSR break-in, which means they can positively ID some of Elena's buddies. The Apple Store is in general chaos, with everyone on the phone or chatting or walking or walking and chatting at the same time. Syd gets on the phone and digs up every flight manifest to and from Prague. We see a picture of her mother up on her computer screen and can deduce that Syd's trying to track down her un-corpse of a parent.
Elsewhere at the Apple Store, Weiss is instructing his boyfriend Vaughn to shit or get off the pot already in regard to asking Syd to marry him. Weiss is all, dude. You ask her? Vaughn's all, dude. Now is not the time. Weiss is all, oh, what? When would be time? It's not like you have a ring burning a hole in your pock-- oh. You DO have a ring burning a hole in your pocket. Nice. Vaughn looks totally embarrassed by this realization and Weiss makes it worse by totally laughing at him. Hee.
Marshall bursts into Jack's office and announces that Jonski Voightskovich from the last episode is actually Covenant and that he made some calls from the same place and at the same time as Dixon saw Irina. Unfortunately, tracking Jonski is gonna take some time. Jack orders Marshall to head over to Sloane's computer and access the Blackwell Index in order to speed up the process of tracking Jonski down. Marshall's all, uh, the Blackwell Index? But I thought Sloane gave that over to Langley? Did he? Jack? Anyone? Bueller?
Meanwhile, Vaughn meanders over to Nadia's desk in an effort to avoid asking Sydney to marry him. He asks Nadia how she's doing and she says she's trying to stay focused. Vaughn looks down and sees Nadia looking at Martin Bishop's file. "He killed my mother supposedly," she says. "If she's alive, then the CIA obviously missed something." Yeah, big emphasis on that there "supposedly," Nadia. Vaughn's all, uhhhh, yeah, dude. Researching Martin Bishop isn't probably the most productive use of your time, you know? Nadia's all, the huh? Vaughn's all, talk to Jack. Then he runs off elsewhere in an effort to delay his proposal just a wee bit more.
Sloane's Office of West Elm Furniture. Marshall's at the computer, accessing the Blackwell Index while Jack watches. Marshall nervously blurbles something about how when Jack helped Sloane steal the Blackwell Index, he didn't know Sloane was going to switch sides, did he? Jack's all, NO. And stop talking for the LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY. Marshall gets the Blackwell to work and they bring up the stats on Jonski. Jack wants all aliases, contacts, et cetera. Nadia enters and demands to speak with Jack. Marshall leaves them alone. Nadia wants to know the truth about her mother's death. "Martin Bishop didn't kill Irina," says Jack matter-of-factly. "I did." Nadia looks like she's been slapped in the face with a nine-iron. Jack explains the contract hit scenario and the getting set up by Elena scenario and Nadia's all, whatever, does Sydney know? Jack doesn't answer, instead saying something about how if Irina is alive -- "I hope she is," snaps Nadia, cutting him off. "And you should too." She stalks off.
Vaughn has finally, FINALLY decided to ask Syd to marry him, so what does he do? He grabs her and says, "Syd, something's happened," and basically walks around the corner, hoping she'll follow. She does. She follows him into the Conference Room of Endless Expositions and there are all these newscasts on, saying that something funky is going on in Russia. Oh. Wait. Something really is going on? Vaughn just wasn't using a clever ruse to get Syd to follow him so he could ask her to marry him over by the donuts? Damn. Anyway, something bad is happening in Russia, but no one knows what it is because the Russians aren't saying. All they know is that there's a military perimeter around the city of Sevogda. Quarantine? No idea. Everyone watches the monitors warily. Jack enters and says no one has any clue as to what in the hell is going on, including all the damn governments. Just then, Marshall's computer beeps and he gets a feed from his hacker friend in Russia.
It's raw footage from Sevogda and it's not pretty. Fires in the street, cars stopped in the middle of traffic, people running around and screaming, helicopters swooping. As the footage gets more specific, we see people shouting and fighting and generally attacking each other. Fires, bombs, chaos. Then the shot moves up to the sky and…IT'S CLIFFORD THE BIG RED BALL. Seriously. It's Clifford, and it's hovering over the city like some big red pregnant moon. Syd looks at it and says, "It's them." No, ya THINK?
After we've had a few minutes to let that sink in (and pause the TiVo so that we may get even more wine, even though it's a weeknight and we really shouldn't be FINISHING A GALLON BOTTLE), we return to the Conference Room of Endless Expositions, where Jack is delivering the rundown on the Russian situation. According to the Russians, it's just, you know, an industrial accident. Yeah. Because industrial accidents always end up creating a big hovering shiny red ball in the sky. Syd's all, do they honestly think that story's gonna last? She asks Marshall if he's been able to come up with any theories besides an alien attack. Marshall says that it's pretty obvious Elena and Sloane have constructed a giant Mueller Device and, judging by his calculations, it's about six blocks in diameter. Damn. I'm just thinking about how it's roughly six blocks to Lincoln Avenue from my apartment and how it takes me ten minutes to walk it and by the time I get there, I'm pretty much ready to stop for a cocoa. Six blocks is BIG, y'all.
What's really more terrifying than Clifford's size, though, is how, when I did a search on "Mueller Device" on TWoP, I came up with page four of the FIRST RECAP EVER of this show. Like, I know it showed up at the end of Season One and then again this year, but I never referred to it as "Mueller Device," and even though I'd read every recap since this show began, I didn't remember that it was the device that Sydney fucking STOLE that kicked off the whole bizarro Rambaldi storyline that none of has been able to EVER figure out. I'm just…wow. I know this means nothing to any of you, really, but this will forever be remembered as the day I realized I can't recall jack shit about this show.
So, back to the action at hand. Marshall says that the Russian government is keeping mum on the whole Mueller thing but, judging from what's leaking out via the various feeds and conspiracy theories, the citizens of Sevogda are going postal. Mass violence, aggression, inability to reason, a heretofore unseen need to kick small children and puppies, egregious lack of senses of humor, supremely bad hair days -- the Sevogdans got it all in spades, people. Jack surmises that the water supply must have been infected with the orchid juice, priming the Sevogdans to be susceptible to the Mueller Device. It's a credit to every damn actor at that table that they don't all bust out laughing. It's another one of those "So they infect the water with the ancient orchid and then the people become zombies and the big red ball in the hahahahaHAHAHAHA!!! Stop looking at me like that, Vartan! Dammit! Okay, CUT! Can we BWAHAHAHAHAHA" moments. "So what you're saying is, a large red ball plus contaminated water equals a city full of homicidal maniacs," says Marshall, neatly and hilariously summing up the ridiculousness of the situation.
"Well, what's the point?" asks Vaughn. "Besides being the weirdest terrorist attack in history?" Hee. Good question, Vaughn. Jack says that their point remains a mystery, but perhaps the city is a strategic vantage point for them or something. Vaughn pipes up that Sydney's destroyed a Mueller device before, and Syd looks at him like, yeah, dude. And remember how THAT turned out? Marshall says that this thing is totally toxic and if they destroy it, it'll be like draining a nuclear coolant plant times ten million. So that would be bad, no? Syd's all, I don't know how to dismantle this thing safely anyway; all I know how to do is blow it up and get Vaughn killed and I don't think that's really what we should be concentrating on right now. Jack says that he knows someone who can dismantle it: Irina Derevko. Vaughn asks how to find her. Jack says that Jonski flew to Ibiza very recently and that Syd and Vaughn should head there to find him and get him to talk. The sordid details in the files Jack flings at them should give them enough background material to come up with an effective way to get the skuzzy dude alone. "Do whatever it takes," says Jack, "but only if it doesn't involve you two talking dirty to each other while I listen. I can't be a part of that."
Weapon Hutch of Potential Proposals. Vaughn and Syd are equipping themselves for their mission. Vaughn's all, the usual? Syd's all, not with what I'll be wearing. Heh. Syd blabs something about how she had this feeling before, like she was going to pass out. She didn't know what it was. You're PREGNANT. It's called morning sickness. Look into it. But Syd thinks it's an overwhelming sense of dread. Vaughn moves over and kisses her gently and, for some reason, he thinks this would be the perfect time to launch into his version of a proposal. "We've been tasked to rescue a woman who killed my father -- your mother, who is supposed to be dead, by the way, and to disable a giant red ball floating over a Russian city." Heh. Vartan's barely keeping his giggles under wraps here. "Crazier things have happened," says Sydney. "That's kinda my point," he quips. "Syd, without you, I'd be lost. I mean, this world, this job, this everything -- it would make me insane." Syd just says that she knows. He takes her hands and says that they're gonna get through this. He reaches into his pocket and is about to get down on one knee and finally ask Sydney to marry him when GODDAMMIT MARSHALL STOP INTERRUPTING IMPORTANT MOMENTS.
That's right. Excuse Me For Interrupting But I Need To Geek Out For A Moment Marshall has arrived, yet again, to put a big ol' crimp in Vaughn's style. He asks if they're ready to roll and Vaughn just forgets about the proposal so he and Syd can get on with the job at hand. Syd runs off to confront Nadia about how she talked to Jack about the truth of Irina's death. Syd says that she's sorry about not telling her the truth; she was just trying to protect her. Oh, and protect her dad. Nadia, suddenly very, very cold, just says that it's no big deal, but she believes that their mother is alive, so Syd can take her apologies and stick 'em where the sun don't shine.
Ibiza. We're at some really raunchy party where some song about licking someone's ass is playing. I don't know who it is. You can feel free to tell me, if you're so inclined. But honestly, I don't really care. Vaughn and Syd enter and they're all sexy and swingy and flirty. Vaughn spies Jonski at the bar and then asks Syd how they want to play this. "You wanna be rough or you want me to be rough?" she asks. "Oh, you're always rough," he says. "No, I'm not!" she says, giggling. "Oh, yes you are!" he says back. "That's not true!" she giggles. "Yes it is," he says. "Are you talking about at home or on the ops?" she asks, suddenly concerned. "Both," he says, smiling. She gives him this look like, duuuuuude! "Hey, I'm not complaining," he sexes up at her. Heh. "If I'm rough, it's because you like it when I'm --" All of a sudden, Sydney stops and looks around. "Are we on comms?" Beep! "Yes," snits Jack, "you're both. On comms. Right now." HEEEEEEEEEE. Oh, man. OH, MAN. This is worse than your dad accidentally picking up the other extension and hearing you on the tail end of telling your college boyfriend that you want to empty a can of whipped cream on his crotch and lick it off. Or, you know, it's about the same level of awfulness.
Syd laughs out loud and then puts her hand over her mouth and Vaughn's expression is all, oh, yeah, we just totally talked about our rough sex IN FRONT OF YOUR FATHER, ha! "We'll both be rough," says Syd, stepping into spy girl mode. Syd jerks Vaughn over to the bar and Marshall, back with Jack, attempts to not giggle and drool all over his laptop. Jack just looks like he's had a jar of salsa stuck up his left nostril. Hee! Back at the bar, Jonski's just hanging out when Syd throws Vaughn up against the bar and they start mackin'. Jonski watches with interest. His interest, erm, grows, as soon as he hears Syd say, "Bite me!" Vaughn complies, and Syd looks like she really and truly enjoys it. Vaughn hauls her back out to the dance floor, but not before she can grab one of Jonski's ice cubes and run it all over her neck sexily. Jonski likey.
Out on the floor, Vaughn takes a seat on a low sofa and Syd straddles him as Jonski watches. "Want me to bite you again?" says Vaughn with his mouth full of Syd's lips. Hee. "Shut up," laughs Syd, with her mouth full of Vaughn's lips. Hee. Syd catches Jonski's eye and makes the "come on over here, handsome" gesture with her finger. Jonski likey some more. He walks on over as Syd and Vaughn continue to make out. "Bon soir," says Jonski. "You're enjoying yourselves?" "He's French," says Syd. No, Syd. He's Russian. Didn't you read the first recap? Fine. He's French. I don't care. WHERE IS LENA? "I like the French," drawls Syd. "They're tender." Vaughn looks up and says, "Fine," in this dismissive "whatever-the-hell-you-want" tone. Heh. Syd's all, you gonna watch all night or you gonna get involved? Jonski's all, what'd you have in mind?
Wham! Syd slams Jonski against the men's room wall and tells Vaughn to check the stalls. Syd throws Jonski around a bit more, and Jonski definitely likey, but he no likey when Syd takey his PDA and smacky him around for real. Vaughn transmits the data to Marshall as Syd keeps Jonski in check. The PDA's encrypted, so while Marshall hacks into it, Syd asks Jonski what he knows about Irina Derevko. He plays stupid. Syd plays the "I know who you've betrayed" card, but Jonski ain't playin'. "It's the end of the world, or haven't you heard?" he quips. "Blackmail is not as effective as it once was." Syd slams his head into a stall door. Heh. Jack finds a mention of "Helix" in Jonski's files. "Tell me what you know about the Helix Protocol," says Syd, dunking Jonski's head into the toilet. When she pulls him back up, he's all, dude? Didn't you read my file? This ain't torture as much as it's…candy to a baby. BRING IT ON! Heh. Syd practically drowns the guy until he finally says he'll talk. He tells Syd that Elena wanted people to believe that Irina was dead, so a Rambaldi follower agreed to go through Helix in order to become Irina's clone and basically offered themselves up to die. Syd's all, the huh? Jonski's all, you have no idea what we whack-ass-crazy Rambaldi followers are willing to do for the cause of the endgame. Now dunk me again, pretty lady! "Is. Irina. Derevko. ALIVE?" spits Syd. "Of course she is," hisses Jonski through his toilet-stained laughter. Syd practically passes out from the news.
Apple Store. Jack enters the conference room and tells Nadia that Irina's been moved to a remote location in Guatemala and he and Nadia are going to meet Sydney in country. "You don't seem…relieved," says Nadia. Well, duh, Nadia. He's about to meet the woman he was willing to shoot at point-blank range; wouldn't YOU be a wee bit nervous? They head to Guatemala. Tikal, to be exact. Syd, Nadia, and Jack screech up on some jungle road and jump out of the jeep. Jack whips out his handy laptop and shows them the layout of the camp. There's thermal imagery, so it's easy for Jack to pinpoint Irina's location, seeing as she's the only thermal image on the map not holding an automatic weapon.
As Syd and Nadia are getting their raft ready for the trip downriver, Nadia mentions that she's been having these feelings of -- "Dread? Darkness?" interrupts Syd. "Yeah," says Nadia, "how did you know?" Wheaties, I tell ya. Actually, Syd says she's been having them too. Yeah. I'm having them too. But only because I remember the damn prophecy wherein Irina's two daughters are going to fight to the death over the Rambaldi thingy or whatever. Nadia says that she never believed in prophecies before, but she's starting to get into them now. Jack walks up with Nadia's pack and Nadia mentions that she has some of Irina's clothes in there, thinking her mom might need them. "I want to be the one to tell her who I am," says Nadia. "Of course," says Syd. The girls get into their raft and Jack sends them off with a terse "be careful." Damn, that man looks good in khaki. I have a total daddy-complex thing going on with Victor Garber that is too sick and twisted to explain right now. I mean, really.
By the time Syd and Nadia reach the actual camp, it's nighttime and they've shut off their engine and are rowing the boat ashore and there's no Michael anywhere in sight. "Kumbaya," anyone? Syd tells Jack they've reached the perimeter and he tells them to proceed. He watches them on the thermal map and is able to warn them when there's an incoming guard. They duck just in time and Jack tells them they're clear. He guides them to a small clearing and past a bonfire. No guards anywhere around. They make it to a spot where Jack says she's supposed to be, but Irina's not there. Jack tells Syd that she's standing right to her. Nope. Nada. Nothing. Syd starts immediately and uncharacteristically panicking. Nadia, calmer, just…trips over something and boom! They've found Irina. They shove a bunch of leaves out of the way and discover a metal tank lid with air holes. Syd easily picks the lock on top and they open the lid. The darkness is thick but Nadia's flashlight finally finds its target. There, in the bottom of the pit, is Irina, her hands over her face, her body filthy. She looks up and gasps and her face looks scared for the first time I've ever seen on this show. "Mom?" says Syd, echoing the final moment of Season One. Niiiiiice.
By the way, we're thirty-three minutes into this second episode and, even though we ALL talked about how AWESOME this ep was because of Lena Olin, so far, she's only been in less than five minutes of it. You can either say that she's so fucking cool that she makes five minutes seem like an eternity, or you can say that we all wanted her back so much that we made a small contribution into a GARGANTUAN one. Take your pick.
Syd leaps down into the pit and tries to talk to her mother. Irina looks like she doesn't trust her own eyes. "S--Syd?" she begins. "You're gonna be okay," says Syd, cutting her mother free of her bindings. "Sydney?" says Irina, her eyes filling with tears. Sydney's crying now too. Irina reaches out and touches her face. "I…knew you'd come," she whispers. Aw. Nadia reaches down and takes her mother's hand, bringing her to the surface. Irina's wrists are bloody and torn. The girls take their mother to the boat. Before they can reach it, however, they accidentally trip a wire and announce their presence to the guards. The girls and Spy Mommy haul ass as the guards run after them. Suddenly, Syd's ankle is caught in a trap and she's whipped up into the trees, hanging upside down. Irina calls for Syd's knife, but Syd can't reach it. Nadia tosses over hers and heads off to delay the guards.
Irina starts to cut Syd down as Nadia handles a couple of guards rather easily. Fighting, fighting, fighting. Irina cuts Syd down and she falls to the ground. While they're just, you know, milling around, Nadia's basically kicking the asses of several large dudes. It's totally awesome. In the space of twenty seconds, Nadia takes out about eight burly men. Heh. She grabs their ammo and runs to meet her chickies. They race to the boat as the guards shoot at them. They reach the raft and Nadia and Irina jump in, firing all the way at the guards. A jeep full of 'em drives up and there's shooting and boat starting and more shooting and all sorts of chaos. Syd flings a grenade and jumps into the boat and they motor off.
The following morning (I…guess?), Jack's leaning against the hood of the jeep, obviously having stood there for, what, eight hours? Damn. Did he even sleep? Guess his stamina's about as good as Katya's, huh? There's a rustling in the woods and Jack pulls his gun, only to see that it's his daughters (oh, Nadia is so totally his) and his not-dead wife. They move hesitatingly toward each other, the emotions on their faces running the gamut from hatred to hey, how ya doin'? "Irina," Jack rasps, his lips pursed. "WHAM!" goes Irina, delivering a very sound roundhouse punch to his jaw. Jack's head snaps back up like a damn Weeble and his expression is like, yeah. I deserved that. The daughters, watching, have the exact same expression. Heh. Well done, Irina. And welcome back.
Plane of Awkward Family Reunions. Syd tells Irina that Elena's begun her endgame and Sloane is with her. Irina's totally not surprised, seeing as they're both ridiculously driven. Irina comments that Elena's cruelty runs deeper than Sloane's, and Syd apologizes for not having found her sooner; they simply didn't know. Syd reaches out to touch Irina's wrist and Irina recoils like she's been touched with a hot poker. "What did she do to you?" asks Syd, suddenly alarmed. Jack, from his position far, far away at the end of the plane, looks up in concern. Irina tells her story. She found a Rambaldi manuscript -- one she knew Elena was looking for. "It's called 'Il Diluvio,'" says Irina. "The Flood," says Syd, translating for us. "Rambaldi imagined a moment when the world would be cleansed," says Irina. "When the world would begin anew." "An apocalypse," says Syd, obviously donning her hat as the Leading Director of What's Irina Saying Now Productions.
When Irina saw what was in the document, obviously, she had to destroy it. Syd understands. She also understands that that's why Elena needed her. Irina says that Elena kept her in darkness; she doesn't know where or how long. She had barely enough food or water and there came a time when she didn't know whether she was alive or dead. Both of the daughters look visibly disturbed by this announcement. Irina goes on to say that Elena only released her for questioning and that she, Elena, was always quick-tempered and volatile and Irina half thought Elena would get pissed off and just kill her already. "But she had learned patience," says Irina, tears springing to her eyes again. It's just…God, I don't mean to be a starfucker here, but Lena Olin brings more to one line of dialogue than some actors bring to whole damn paragraphs. With just a small gesture of tweaking the tears from the corners of her eyes, she basically tells everyone in the room, yeah, I'm crying. So what? Not gonna happen often or for long, so just count yourselves lucky you SAW IT AT ALL. My love cup runneth over.
Eventually, Irina continues, she was moved to a medical facility and injected with something; the pain was excruciating, she'd go into cardiac arrest and Elena would just stabilize her heartbeat and allow her to rest so that she could endure more. "And she did this…dozens and dozens of times," says Irina, her face finally showing pain. "I couldn't fight it." She looks away, embarrassed. "I told her everything." "Mom…" says Sydney, finally taking her mother's hands. They look at each other and Irina says that she wishes she could spare her what's about to come, but she needs her now. Syd's up for it. "We need to go to Sevogda," says Irina. Jack steps up and tells her that they've already activated the Mueller Device and that it's already too late for that city. Irina thinks that they have to stop Elena and Sloane now before they move on to another city and another and another. "We'll send in a team," he grits. "I HELPED Elena build the device," she snaps, "I can figure out how to destroy it." Jack looks cowed. "There are no alternatives," she says. "All right," he says, "I'll tell the pilot to change course. And is there anything else I can get you? Chocolate? Champagne? Foot massage? A gun with one bullet in it pointed at my head? Anything for you, sweetie, really. Promise. Sorry about that whole shooting-you thing." Heh. Hell hath no fury like a woman with a damn bullet in her clone's head.
Irina goes to clean up, and Nadia gets up and hands Irina the bag with her clothes in it. Irina just says thanks and heads on back to the bathroom. "Just some clothes," Nadia whispers, hesitatingly. Irina suddenly turns, the look on her face one of "Oh my god." Nadia smiles at her. "Oh!" says Irina, breathing. Nadia starts crying. Irina moves to her, touches her face, and then pulls her into her arms. "Oh…sweetheart…" says Irina. "Mom," says Nadia. Aw. You know, it's actually harder to recap scenes like this because they're so good, words can't really do them justice. I mean, yeah, they're not Shakespeare in the Park or Strindberg or anything, but they're really emotional and well-built and the performances are brill. It's easier to recap when the acting's over the top and the dialogue sucks, but scenes like this just end up with me transcribing and then having to go back and watch them over and over again so I can just…enjoy them. Sorry. S'true.
Apple Store. Angela Bassett enters in slo-mo, the tufts of her wicked haircut silhouetted against the lights. She runs into Vaughn and the action speeds up as she asks him if there's anything new. Nope. Nothing. He asks if Langley has anything new. Nope. Nothing. Angie asks where Jack is, and Vaughn says he's not around. Angie's all, WHAT? He's acting director on this task force, beeyotch! Where's he at? Vaughn's all, uh, I don't know. I just work here. Don't hit me. Then he tells her that Jack's on a tactical mission to rescue Irina Derevko and Angie's all, HE'S DOING THE WHAT WITH THE WHO? Then her face suddenly gets this look like, OH. She's alive. That's. Wow. Heh.
Plane of Awkward Family Reunions. Jack's giving his girls the rundown on getting into Sevogda. Basically, entry into the place will be difficult at best. Irina enters, all cleaned up and looking a billion times more beautiful than any woman who's been drugged up and left for dead in a pit has any right to look. She takes a seat and immediately notes where the device has been activated. She says that Elena and Sloane will have to hole up somewhere safe, away from the Mueller Device. Perhaps a bunker or a warehouse. Wherever it is, it'd be a fortified location. Jack goes to get the Bat Phone and he sounds mighty pissed at what he's hearing. When he gets off the phone, he tells everyone that Langley gave orders to divert their plane. No one really says anything at all.
The plane lands in the middle of nowhere and a shitload of cop cars are there to greet them. I honestly don't remember any of this at all. See? This is what happens when you drink while watching the episode: every time you see it again, it's like it's brand new! On the plane, Syd's trying to tell some CIA hacks that her mother is helping them, so easy on the shackles. The hacks are all, yeah, like we care. We get to earn our SAG cards AND touch Lena Olin. Screw the Big Red Ball! Irina gets carted off into custody and everyone heads back to the Apple Store.
Syd stalks through the office and heads right into Angie's office. She's all, nice job on the taking my mom into custody thing, JACKASS. Angie's all, bitch, your mother is an enemy of the state. Syd's all, dude? SHE CAN DISARM CLIFFORD. Angie's all, the woman KILLED people. Syd's all, yeah yeah yeah. She killed my fiancé's dad too, okay? I get it. And if this were any other time, I'd say go for it! Interrogate her! Slap her around! Have fun! But now? CLIFFORD. Need I say more? Angie's all, oh, shut up, you teenager. The matter is under control. It's being handled. Syd's all, uh, how? By whom? And does he have a bunny in that bag, because this shit's gonna take a damn magician to fix it. Angie says the Russians are preparing an air strike, because if there's anything we've learned, it's that air strikes really work! "An air strike," says Syd, "will release deadly toxins into the atmosphere and the results would be catastrophic."
Suddenly, Sydney realizes something. "This is what Elena wanted," she says. Elena knew the Russians would pull an air strike. Syd wants to go in there and disarm the device. Angie says she's not gonna trust Irina Derevko, no way, no how. Syd launches into an air strike of her own and says that when Angie brought her into the Apple Store and put her under Sloane's direction, she asked Syd to trust her. And she did. And then Sloane had full access to the CIA and all its resources and doesn't she feel real good about that right now? Huh? Syd makes a final plea to let her mother put an end to all this. "This time you'll have to trust me," says Syd. The thing we see is Irina being led into the Apple Store as Jack waits for her. She's taken to him and her shackles are removed. "Come with me," says Jack. Oooh, baby.
Conference Room of Endless Expositions. Jack tells Irina that she can go with them to help disarm the Clifford, under the condition that when they catch Elena and Sloane, Irina will return to CIA custody to serve out her sentence. "Life in prison," says Irina calmly. "Yes," says Jack, sliding over a document for her to sign. Irina doesn't even blink. She just takes the pen and signs. "How's your jaw?" she asks. "I've been through worse," he gruffs. "Jack," she says, "I understand why you believed you had to kill me, but the truth is, if the situation had been reversed…I would have found another way." "I can't imagine this will give you any comfort considering what you've been through but," says Jack, "the truth is, there wasn't a day that went by that I didn't regret what I did." Irina looks calmed by this. "And of my indiscretion with Sloane," she says, her mouth twisting in disgust as she says his name, "I can only hope you'll accept my apology." "Of all the things you've done," he says, "that's what you're going to apologize for?" Hee. Irina looks at him and smiles. And then…JACK SMILES BACK AT HER. Heh! Nice. They're so twisted and awesome. "You're going to enjoy getting to know Nadia," he says. "She's exceptional." Irina smiles proudly and then delivers the zinger: "I wonder where she got that from?" D'oh! Jack looks at her like, the huh? Waaaaaiiiit…what? Heh. Nadia's totally his.
Plane of Awkward Family Reunions and the Proposals That Make Them Even Awkwarder. Vaughn, Syd, Jack, Irina, and Nadia are all getting ready for the mission in the back of the plane. They're strapping on parachutes and generally thinking about dropping onto a big red bouncy ball. Irina reaches over and helps Nadia with her chute. "I've seen you all my life," she says, "in my mind." "When this is over," says Nadia, "maybe we can spend some time." "I'd like that," says Irina. Aw. The Bristows are so weird. They always bond on missions. Speaking of missions, the phone rings and Jack picks up. It's Angie. She says the Russians have moved up their timetable and now the Mighty Bristows & Son only have four hours to dismantle the Clifford. Jack tells everyone this news.
Vaughn decides that THIS is the perfect time to ask Syd to marry him. Not before, in the office. Not after that rockin' night of rough love. Not at their favorite café. Not in the weapons arsenal. Here. On the plane. Right before the dead drop into Clifford. He whispers to Syd to come over. She does. "I had it all planned out," he says. "I was gonna take you to the beach. Santa Barbara. We'd go out for a walk, maybe when the sun was setting…but now we're here and I don't know what we're jumping into and I may never get another chance to do this again." Way to be romantic, Agent Amorous. "We may die in a few minutes, so, wanna get hitched?" I'm being mean. It's actually really sweet. Sorry. To continue.
"Sometimes I wake up before you do," he says, "and I watch you sleep." Stalker. Sorry. Mean again. I really have to stop that. "And I'm overwhelmed because, you're so amazing," he says. "And I don't know why I'm lucky enough to have you in my life. But you're here with me. And I know I want to spend the rest of my life with you, trying to make you as happy as you've made me." "My God, Vaughn," says Syd, almost laughing/crying. He pulls out the ring and shows it to her. "Sydney Bristow, will you marry me?" Ha! She launches herself at him and they totally make out right in front of her entire family. Hee. "We're gonna make it out of here," says Syd. "Is that a yes?" asks Vaughn. Heh. Boy wants an answer! She just kisses him again. "Ask me on the beach," she says. Instead of smacking her around and going, "IS THAT A YES OR A NO?" Vaughn just smiles happily at her.
Jack stands up and walks over to them, barely containing a rather wry smile. "We have sixty seconds," he says. Heh. He smiles at his daughter, she smiles back at him, and his smile grows even more as the Jazz Drums of They're Not The Incredibles But They're Pretty Damn Close snare and snap across the soundtrack. The plane heads toward the glowing red hot spot in the distance. The drop hatch opens. The Bristows & Son stand there, looking down into the clouds. Vaughn puts on his helmet ,nd all five of them drop into the sky. They bullet toward the Clifford and there it is, spinning and twisting above the innocent town it's infecting.