Previously on Alias: I finished the first recap.
British Embassy, Vienna. 18 Months Ago. Jack is up on a balcony, looking devastatingly handsome in a lovely old tux. He's watching the entrance. In walksLENA FUCKING OLIN. She's wearing a stunning purple gown and looks about twenty years younger than her actual age. Jack watches her with not a little interest. You would too if you were looking at Lena Fucking Olin. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I'm as straight a chick as they come, but Lena Olin? Burns my retinas, she's so hot. Good Lord. Ahem. So, Irina enters and some dude hands her an envelope, which she opens. She looks off thoughtfully and we get our first glimpse of the only thing that can or will detract from her loveliness: the bizarre purple flower dangling out of the middle of the back of her head. I have no idea what it's doing there or why it's justhanging there, but I hope to have a reason by, say, midway through Season Five?
Minutes later, we're down in the pool area. Irina slinks along and Jack is sitting there, waiting for her, with chilled champagne. She says she was pleased to get his note because this party is looking to be insufferable. Jack hands her a glass and says that he would prefer not to waste what little time they have together on idle banter. She giggles sexily at him and sips. "What do you suggest?" she asks. "A dance?" he says. She likes this idea and takes his hand and turnsrevealing the damned purple orchid just HANGING onto the back of her head for dear life. Why isn't it behind her ear? Why isn't it holding some of her hair back? WHAT PURPOSE IS IT SERVING? Seriously. Anything that can distract me from watching Lena Olin is dangerous indeed.
Even though there's no music playing, Irina and Jack move easily into each other's arms and start slow-dancing. I'm not going to go into too many details, primarily because if I keep on blathering about how awesome Lena Olin is and how glad I am to have her back, y'all are going to be well and sick of me by, uh, page two of this damn thing. I'll just say that Irina and Jack dance very, very well together. There's a laidback sexiness to both of them that I honestly don't know how they achieve. Jack says, "Youbroke my heart, Irina." "That was another lifetime," she says breathily. "I won't do it again." "Good to know," says Jack, smiling. Uh-oh. Jack's smiling. This can't be good. Irina kisses him and, after a hesitation, Jack returns the kiss. They start making out but good. Need I say how blisteringly hot it is? I probably needn't. Suffice it to say that Lena Olin could probably make kissing a freshwater trout seem hot.
“ Okay, that was just weird. Hot, but weird. ”
The kissing is over just as soon as it began, however, because Irina pulls back suddenly and declares that she'd better get back to the party. Jack grabs her. "Tell me, Irina," he snaps, "how did it feel, giving the order? Was it difficult orwere you able to remain cold? Indifferent? Were you amused?" Irina just looks at him, bemused. "Jack, this is cryptic," she drawls. "Even for you." "Well, let me be clear," he says. "How did it feel to pay a man to kill your own daughter?" Irina is suddenly deadly serious. "You weren't supposed to find out." Jack smiles wryly. "You didn't feel a thing, did you? How is that possible? Were Sydney and I nothing to you? Merely strategic alliances to be disposed of once we'd outlived our usefulness? After all we've been through, Irina, I deserve an explanation. Why?" Irina doesn't answer. "I NEED A REASON." "Because it had to be done," she finally says. That's a good enough reason for Jack. He whips out his gun and points it directly at her forehead. "Jack" she says cautiously. "Damn you," says Jack, pulling the trigger. Irina falls back into the pool, an expression of pure and utter joy upon her face as the bubbles plink out of the GAPING HOLE IN HER HEAD.
Okay, that was just weird. Hot, but weird.
Back in present day, Jack's thinking it was weird too. Especially the purple orchid. What was UP with that shit? As Jack's pondering the oddness of female hair accoutrements, his daughter enters the Apple Store via her secret gateway. They walk directly to each other, and Jack asks how Dix is and has his story changed? Syd says he's stable and no, Dix still swears he saw Syd's dead mother walkin' and talkin' in Prague. Syd thinks Dix is delusional. Jack thinks Dix may be onto something. "Dad, you killed her!" says Syd. "I killed a woman I believed to be your mother," he says, all too reasonably. "Sound familiar?" He goes on to talk about Project Helix and Syd thinks this all sounds a wee bit too convenient. They need Irina and here she is, just dangled right in front of them. Syd thinks that Elena's manipulating them to go after Irina, even though she's dead. Jack thinks that Syd might be afraid to hope that Irina's alive, because it could be a false hope. "Maybe it's easier for you to believe that Mom's alive than to live with what you did," says Syd. Jack digests this, his upper left cheek twitching with annoyance, and says that whatever the hell Sydney thinks, they're still pursuing every damn lead, so she'd better get on that Irina-may-be-alive scenario, okay?
Syd goes stalking into the office and I swear, for a second there, she looked like both Nadia AND Irina. Bizarre. Speaking of Nadia, she stops Syd and asks after Dix. Syd stops to talk to her and we catch up with Vaughn as he walks and talks on the phone with the DCI. Marshall hollers that he has something and Vaughn walks over to see what it is. Marshall has some data blocks that are still intact from the DSR break-in, which means they can positively ID some of Elena's buddies. The Apple Store is in general chaos, with everyone on the phone or chatting or walking or walking and chatting at the same time. Syd gets on the phone and digs up every flight manifest to and from Prague. We see a picture of her mother up on her computer screen and can deduce that Syd's trying to track down her un-corpse of a parent.
“ Stock up on the Stoli, y'all. ”
"Sometimes I wake up before you do," he says, "and I watch you sleep." Stalker. Sorry. Mean again. I really have to stop that. "And I'm overwhelmed because, you're so amazing," he says. "And I don't know why I'm lucky enough to have you in my life. But you're here with me. And I know I want to spend the rest of my life with you, trying to make you as happy as you've made me." "My God, Vaughn," says Syd, almost laughing/crying. He pulls out the ring and shows it to her. "Sydney Bristow, will you marry me?" Ha! She launches herself at him and they totally make out right in front of her entire family. Hee. "We're gonna make it out of here," says Syd. "Is that a yes?" asks Vaughn. Heh. Boy wants an answer! She just kisses him again. "Ask me on the beach," she says. Instead of smacking her around and going, "IS THAT A YES OR A NO?" Vaughn just smiles happily at her.
Jack stands up and walks over to them, barely containing a rather wry smile. "We have sixty seconds," he says. Heh. He smiles at his daughter, she smiles back at him, and his smile grows even more as the Jazz Drums of They're Not The Incredibles But They're Pretty Damn Close snare and snap across the soundtrack. The plane heads toward the glowing red hot spot in the distance. The drop hatch opens. The Bristows & Son stand there, looking down into the clouds. Vaughn puts on his helmet ,nd all five of them drop into the sky. They bullet toward the Clifford and there it is, spinning and twisting above the innocent town it's infecting.
on Alias: Nadia gets red glowy eyes and shoots to kill! Gah! It's the season finale. Stock up on the Stoli, y'all.