Previously on Alias: I unplugged my TiVo and it bit me in the ass; Jack had a miraculous recovery from a complete immersion in radioactivity; the Sloane Clone was finally caught and revealed to be even weirder than we thought he was, including the fact that he actually had the SAME BRAIN as the real Sloane; the real Sloane was put into a trance and revealed to have a dead daughter named Jacquelyn and this made him super-sad; Nadia rescued him from permanent trance-dom, even though she totally hated him for adding chemicals to a large portion of the global water supply in order to create a more controllable strain of humans; and I waited not-so-patiently for this episode and the return of the bitchingest momma on the market, Lena Fucking Olin.
We open on the CIA. A guard is making his rounds, and too bad for him, really, because Jon Voight's Russian cousin takes him out in the first second of the episode. Quickly, a dozen or so black-clad baddies invade the place. As they go about their business, the Gods of Recapping smile down upon me and insert a nice big sign that says "Department of Special Research," so that we'll know the baddies are invading that place where all the cool-ass Rambaldi shit is. So the baddies make their way inside and Jonski Voightskovich heads right for the Nightingale coil, while all the other baddies start smashing through the glass that encloses all the cool-ass Rambaldi shit. They collect everything, including the Sphere of Life. Dun dun DUUUUN.
Barbie Penthouse. Syd enters and says that there's a cab waiting outside. That's because Sonia/Elena has to get her ass out of town but quick, seeing as she's evil and all. Elena has concocted the excuse that the Lisbon police called and it's safe for her to return home. Syd hugs her, all smiles, because Elena is just the nicest, sweetest, non-evilest person EVER. Elena pulls back and looks at the two girls standing side-by-side and says some shit about how they're two beautiful and smart women. Yeah, I don't know how "smart" they are, honey; you've been around for the last few weeks and neither one of them picked up on how you're the devil's minion and all. Hugs and goodbyes all around and Elena finally gets her nasty ass outta there.
Apple Store. Hee. Sorry. I just paused this scene and I know what's coming up and it's making me giggle already. And I'm not even drinking during this recap. (I was, however, drinking during the episode, which might account for how I don't remember much of what happened after Clifford the Big Red Ball showed up over…Prague? Budapest? Siberia? No idea.) Anyway. Vaughn's just standing around, staring into Jack's office while Jack talks on the phone. Vaughn seems to be pondering something serious, as the two hundredth forehead wrinkle would attest. He sighs deeply and appears to make a choice, because he starts walking toward Jack. Too bad Heavens to Murgatroyd Marshall intercepts him before he can get there.
Marshall's all, blah blah blah Weiss's dad died will you sign this card? Vaughn's all, dude? I'm about to go face my death in front of a dad with an itchy trigger finger, okay? I'll sign it later. Vaughn walks off to continue his quest and Marshall just tags along like MARSHALL GO AWAY ALREADY. Vaughn's all, dude? Bugger off. Marshall's all, but…you asked me to go to lunch! Vaughn's all, did I ask you to go now? No? Then fuck off, okay? I have to talk to Jack alone! Marshall's all, 'bout whaaaaat? Vaughn's all, how you wear women's panties and smear yourself with pudding on the weekends, OKAY? Fuck. Off. Marshall's all, what? I like pudding. But seriously, 'bout whaaaaaat? Vaughn's all, DUDE. This is something I need to ask Jack. If you were Sydney's father, I could ask you, but you're not so GO AWAY. Marshall's all, yeah, I know I'm not Sydney's father, but what has that got to-- Vaughn cuts him off by showing him a lovely diamond in a box. Instead of thinking Vaughn's proposing to HIM, Marshall finally, mercifully, gets a goddamn clue and says, "Hey, congratulations, man! That's fantastic! I'm sure Mr. Bristow's gonna be thrilled!" Vaughn just gets this look on his face and goes, "Really? I'm just hoping he doesn't shoot me on the spot." And then he does this hilarious walk-off with his rather disheveled hair leading the way. Heh. Heh heh.
Vaughn enters Jack's office. Jack's on the phone, talking in Russian to some dude on the other end. Victor Garber actually has pretty decent fake Russian going on. It's better than Jen Garner's, at least. Vaughn just stands there nervously until Jack throws down the phone and says disgustedly, "As if weapons-grade anthrax grows on trees." HEE. Jack's all, whaddya want? Vaughn's all, I can come back. Jack's all, dude. I'm bored. I've been playing Collapse! for the past two hours while listening to that Chechnyan jackass yammer at me about anthrax. Whatever you have to tell me will be a welcome relief. Vaughn's inner monologue: I highly fucking doubt that, mister man. I love this whole damn scene from start to finish. I can't stop giggling.
Vaughn takes a breath and steps forward and starts hemming and hawing about having been through a lot together and Jack respecting tradition and Jack's face is like, dude? Get to the damn point already. And the answer is NO, by the way. "Please get to the point, Agent Vaughn," Jack finally snaps. Vaughn sucks it up and says, "I'm gonna ask Sydney to marry me and…I'd like your blessing." Jack looks like he just ate a weasel covered in unrefined petroleum. Then he stands up and says, "Perhaps you believe my recent illness rendered me less coherent than before or that my cognitive faculties have somehow dulled or diminished. Allow me to clarify the facts for you, Agent Vaughn. While I've come to believe you're not as useless as I first imagined, I still don't feel you have --" Jack doesn't get to finish telling Vaughn, um, HELL NO, because right then a bunch of alarms go blaring and agents start scrambling and shit starts going down.
One dude stalks through and declares that he's running a warranted search of the premises. Jack steps up and asks to see the warrant. It's good. And it's been signed by Angela Bassett. Speaking of Angie, she's over at the Barbie Penthouse, demanding that Sydney tell her where Nadia is. Angie, followed by a bunch of CIA henchmen, goes storming in and tells Syd to cooperate. Syd does, telling them that Nadia's in the shower. An agent heads for the shower, only to have Nadia knock him out with her gun while wearing only a Fieldcrest towel. What? I went to Target this weekend, what of it? Angie tells Nadia to stand down and Nadia's all, what the hell? Angie's all, you got some 'splainin' to doooo.
Elsewhere in the domicile, agents are coming across far too much weaponry for two little girls to have in their possession: rifles, pistols, sub-machine guns, swords, knives, nunchakus, maces, battleaxes, that big-ass Gimli axe, a tank, a small Mendolovian army, cougars, and a cap gun. Angie asks Nadia if the laptop she's holding belongs to her and if anyone else uses it. Nadia says it's hers and, no, she's the only person who uses it. Meanwhile, an agent is running down a list of all the weapons Syd has hidden in her lingerie drawer: an assault rifle, two tazers, a catapult with one cow ready to launch, a box cutter, a rabid wombat, a dish of red curry from the Ganesh Palace on Devon, a family of hungry termites, and a spork. Syd's all, yeah? And? Can't a girl protect herself? By the way, you forgot to count my bra as a weapon, dude. Seriously. My boobs can get up to some major damage when it's warranted.
Angie accuses Nadia of overriding the security codes at the DSR because the command came from her laptop. Angie also brings up the fact that the order to move the Hydrosec came from Nadia's laptop as well. That's the same moment when one of the agents comes across the Necklace of Surveillance and within minutes, Nadia's off the hook. Jack and Sloane show up, and everyone discusses how in the hell Nadia wound up with a bugged necklace. Why, it was a gift from Auntie Elena, of course! No one immediately assumes that kindly Sophia is Elena, but Jack blurts out that if they look at what was stolen, the answer is obvious: Sophia is Elena Derevko. Jack also attributes everything that's been happening for the past few months to Elena, including Vaughn's dead daddy journals, Sloane Clone, McCullough, everything. Nadia can't believe it. Especially since it was assumed that Elena had been hunting Syd and Nadia in order to harm them, but really, she'd been hunting them in order to put some sort of sick Rambaldi endgame into play. "If Jack is right," says Sloane, "if Elena has gathered Rambaldi artifacts, her final step would be to assemble them. We can't let that happen." Dun dun DUUUUUN.
And now is the time on Alias when we go, "Bring on the Lena! Bring on the Lena!"
Apple Store. Nadia enters Sloane's office and says that Elena never made it to the airport. Duh. Marshall's checking traffic cams for any sign of her. Nadia's been busy, checking flight manifests and bus and train stations. Sloane says that they'll catch her, don't worry. Nadia thinks she's to blame for all this. Sloane says he is. I agree with Sloane. He says that it was his Rambaldi obsession that got Nadia involved in all this in the first place; it's his mess, it's his responsibility to clean it up. He says that if Elena has gathered all the Rambaldi pieces, there's only one place she can go. "To see Lazlo Drake," says Nadia, totally on the same page as her father. "I'm on it." She goes to leave and Sloane once again says that they'll find Elena. "I will end this," he declares. Nadia leaves.
Land of Sepia-Toned Flashbacks. Also? China. I blame the Pinot Grigio for making me not get that this trip to China was a flashback almost immediately; watching it now, it's pretty damn clear from the lack of film color that this whole scene takes place in the past. Damn you, Pinot Grigio! Damn you! Right. Anyway. China. Sloane and Nadia are being driven along a hillside and Nadia's all, dude? Why are we in China when I told you the Sphere of Life is in Siena? Sloane's all, 'cuz I need answers to some questions and Lazlo Drake has 'em. Now shut up and drink your Rambaldi Life Juice. Sloane blathers something about how Lazlo Drake discovered the Rambaldi Artifact Assembly Template manuscript. It's a veritable how-to guide to the proper assembly of the cool-ass Rambaldi stuff. Assemble the cool-ass Rambaldi stuff properly, and poof! You can bring forth his final prophecy! "Just know that we're going to make the world a better place," says Sloane, "and we need Drake to do it." Nadia doesn't look so sure.
So, Sloane and Nadia meet up with Drake and he's very complimentary, both to Sloane, for being nearly as obsessed with Rambaldi as he is, and to Nadia, whom he seems to recognize on sight as, like, a savior or something. There must be a picture of her to the definition of "The Passenger" in the Rambaldi World Destruction Instruction Booklet. He invites them to sit, making sure to put a handkerchief on Nadia's tree stump, and tells Nadia that meeting her is akin to meeting the Virgin Mary. Nadia's all, the huh? With the who? AM I PREGNANT WITH THE CHRIST CHILD? Sloane intervenes, dragging Drake around to the subject at hand. Drake's all, yeah, yeah, yeah. So you got the Sphere of Life, right? Sloane's all, no. Not yet. But we know where it is. Drake's all, DUDE. I told you to get the Sphere FIRST. Not come here first and THEN get the Sphere! Dumbass! I knew you'd screw this up!
For some reason, Sloane just ignores what Drake's telling him and says that he needs the information contained in the Rambaldi manuscript. Drake's all, did I stutter? I'll share that info with whomever shows up with ALL the Rambaldi artifacts in their possession. And by ALL, I mean, including the Sphere of Life, you jackass. Drake suggests that Sloane come back when he has everything (and that means the Sphere too, dipshit!) with him, and then he turns to Nadia and basically slavers all over her hand and begs her to come back too. Sloane asks Nadia to go away so he can threaten Drake without her watching. As Nadia leaves, Drake says something about her being the "living embodiment," so it would seem that all his adoration does have to do with Nadia being The Passenger. Sloane doesn't really give a damn, however, and he hisses and spits at Drake that his daughter isn't an artifact. Drake's surprised at Sloane's protectiveness. Sloane's surprised he hasn't killed Drake already. "You brought her on this journey for one reason," says Drake. "Only she can retrieve the Sphere of Life. Only she knows its secret location." Sloane turns to Drake with his beady little eyes burning. "I didn't come this far to quit." Well, then, dude, you probably should have thought of that when you didn't go get the Sphere of Life FIRST before coming here. Numbnuts.
Siena. Sloane and Nadia are tracking the Sphere of Life. Beep beep beep goes Nadia's PDA. She declares a certain spot the place and they head into a dark cave. As they head down a flight or two of dusty stairs, Sloane blabs something about how Rambaldi prophesied that a man would come who would discover the true meaning of Rambaldi's work and in doing so would change the world. Sloane always wanted to be that man. Down they go. Deeper and deeper. Finally, Sloane opens a door on rusty hinges and lights a lamp. A bunch of other lamps burst alight with flames and Sloane gets this greedy look in his eyes. "It's made of glass," he greeds as the camera pulls back and reveals…the Sphere of Life on a pedestal, surrounded by a floor of stained glass in the shape of the Rambaldi symbol.
Sloane looks at his daughter and ookily puts his hands on her face, saying that they're the first people to come to this place in 500 years and now, only she can complete the journey. She doesn't understand. He tells her that she has to go get the box and bring it to him. She doesn't understand. He tells her Rambaldi had a role for her to play and now he needs her to bring him the Sphere. She doesn't understand. Sloane's all, JUST GO GET THE GODDAMN BOX, BRING IT BACK TO ME, AND LET ME GET ON WITH DESTROYING THE WORLD! Seriously, though, how many different ways can you say, "Bring me the effin' sphere already"? Like, GET IT, already, Nadia!
I guess she finally gets it, because she walks across the glass floor toward the box. Once there, she gently opens the box. Sloane tells her, AGAIN, to bring the box to him. Nadia must not understand him, AGAIN, because she just keeps on opening it until the Sphere is clearly visible. She puts her hands on it and is immediately faced with images of violence and death and destruction. I tracked through it super-slow (thanks, TiVo!) and this is what we see, in order: a tank with fires burning all around it, a large monolith with fires burning behind it and people running past screaming, a super-big explosion, Sydney being strangled from behind with a chain, soldiers running, a sky of fire raining down on a city in flames, civilians falling to the ground, Clifford the Small Red Ball spinning, Sydney trying to take someone's gun away (that person's face isn't seen), and Nadia looking like death on a cracker with big bulging and glowing red eyes. Gack! I was only kidding when I said I wanted Nadia's eyes to glow and be all evil and shit!
Nadia doesn't like what she's seen and she turns around all, this shit isn't for good! It's for evil! You lied! It ain't about peace! Sloane's all, I'm your father. Bring me the box. AGAIN. SOME MORE. Nadia just walks away from the box as the glass creaks beneath her. When she gets to Sloane, he grabs her and repeats his request for the box, only this time with full-body shakes. Nadia tells him to go fuck himself. Or she tells him to walk away with her. Sloane tells her to go fuck herself. Or he calls her a coward and goes to get the box himself. Ignoring the creaking glass, that greedy little bugger goes after the Sphere. "He chose me," he says creepily. He starts to close up the box and take it with him, but the glass has other ideas. CRASH! Down he goes into a big, dark pit of HELL. Nadia heads down after him and he's riddled with shards of glass. Instead of heading back up top in order to contact, oh, I don't know, PROFESSIONAL MEDICAL HELP, Nadia just proceeds to pick big chunks of stained glass out of her father's body. Way to pretend you're Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, NADIA. Sloane gasps that he thought for sure she'd be gone after that whole "GET THE DAMN BOX YOU COWARD" scenario occurred. Nadia's all, oh, please. You're my father. And I like picking glass out of people. S'fun. She states that she's going to get him out of there and then yanks a gargantuan piece of glass out of his chest because, you know, if she didn't, leaving it in while she moved him could, um, kill him. Yeah, because TAKING IT OUT is a BETTER IDEA. The Violins of Duh, He's Not Dead, Y'all, Or Haven't You Seen This Whole Damn Season take us out to the break.
Conference Room of Endless Expositions. Sloane's filling in the troops (now with 100% more Angela Bassett!) on Lazlo Drake and how it's a certainty that Elena's going to see him, seeing as Drake has the Rambaldi Handbook of Evil Endgames. Vaughn's all, uh, sorry, endgame? What the hell IS Rambaldi's endgame, if you don't mind my asking? Well, I certainly don't, Vaughn. In fact, I think I've been asking that since, um, midway through Season One? Maybe? Perhaps? Sloane says that, in Elena's hands, the endgame will most likely be an apocalypse. You know, I never really understand it when an evil person gets their hands on something that could be good or evil and the evil person always heads directly for…apocalypse. Aren't there better things to do with evil weapons? Like…make it so you win the lottery every year for twenty years or something? Make your downstairs neighbor stop hammering at 2 AM on a Wednesday? Make Dove dark chocolate ice cream bars fat-free and actually beneficial to your health? Just…anything has to be more interesting than a damn apocalypse. For one thing, you start an apocalypse, YOU CAN'T STOP IT. So, like, there goes your whole plan for world domination, Elena. People in the middle of an apocalypse ain't gonna stop for your ass and be all, "Oh, hey! Thanks for starting this nice apocalypse! I just killed my grandpa and ate his bicep! You rock, Elena!" I just…what's left after the world's destroyed, huh? You're all alone and EVERYTHING'S ON FIRE. Unless you want to have one hell of a cookout, I really don't see the bloody point. Of course, I've been in my pajamas since about six-thirty this evening, so what the hell do I know?
Jack says that they have to get to Lazlo before Elena does. Unfortunately, he never stays in one place too long and, even though the last place she saw him was in China, he could be anywhere by now. Syd pipes up that if Lazlo's gone underground, he'll need a source of income. Nadia's already on it. She comes up with the name of a guy called Grayson Wells, a money launderer and all-around billionaire financier. He's also the guy who financed Drake's early research into all things Rambaldi. Sloane declares that their plan should be to find Grayson and squeeze him for Drake's location. Sloane's job will be to start preparations to talk to Lazlo himself in advance of when they get his location.
Dix is all, uh, pardon me, but aren't you forbidden from dealing with anything Rambaldi? "Sweet Cheeks -- erm, I mean, Agent Dixon has a point," says Angela Bassett. Sloane's all, yeah, whatever, I have a history with Drake. Syd's all, yeah, uh, so does Nadia. Sloane's all, RAMBALDI IS MY TOY AND I'M NOT SHARING IT WITH YOU. Or he just says that Nadia would only complicate matters. Nadia happens to agree with this. Sloane says that Drake will talk to him and only him; if they approach this tactically, Drake's security will respond and it'll turn into a firefight. Angela Bassett agrees and tells everyone to proceed as instructed. Once they have Drake's location, they'll relay it to Sloane. She tells everyone to be safe and the group breaks up, with Dix spinning off to leave an angry voicemail on Angie's cell all, "Baby, I know I was late for dinner the other night, but y'all didn't have to let the man have his way with Rambaldi! God! I bought you flowers to make up for it! Now why can't you just gimme some sugar?!"
Cannes. It's time for Sydney to bring some much-needed comic relief to an otherwise serious episode. We're at an exclusive Riviera shop. Syd enters, dressed to the nines and sporting a fuzzy white fur coat, even though it must be eighty degrees outside at this time of year. A salesman is all, "Bonjour!" Syd's all, shut up little man and take my bag. She basically drops her bag in his immediate vicinity and when he goes to take her coat, she says, "Don't touch the fur." He pulls back. "All right," she says. "You may touch the fur." She holds out her arm and when he reaches for it, she goes, "Once," with her finger in the air, all rich bitch and everything. It's hard to articulate how funny that little moment is. You just have to see it. Sorry for our friends across the pond who might be reading this in lieu of viewing the actual episode. You'll just have to wait 'til it comes your way and then crack up at the expression on Syd's face when she says, "Once."
Rich Bitch Syd grabs some champers and cruises past Grayson as he stands at a counter. She glances at baubles and blings as Grayson watches, and she finally spies a piece she likes. The clerk tells her it's platinum liana and it can be worn as either an anklet or a bracelet. Syd sits and raises her leg in the air. "Put," she pouts. Heh. The clerk puts as, again, Grayson watches. As Syd waves her fabulous leg in the air, she asks Grayson whether it should go on her ankle or wrist. He says he'd have to see it on her wrist in order to make a decision. "Do," she says, ordering him to take it off her shapely ankle and put it on her equally shapely wrist. As he moves the bauble to her wrist, he sees that she has a Rambaldi symbol on her hand the same as he does. It would seem they have a mutual interest. Syd goes to look at her trinket in the mirror and Grayson follows. He asks if she'll allow him to buy it for her. "You trying to impress me?" she snits. Heh. "Well, that depends: is it working?" he retorts. Heh. "Sweetheart," she says, turning to him, "it's not your money I'm interested in."
Cut to a hotel room where Syd's on her phone, telling Sloane that she's going with him to see Drake. Sloane tells her to bugger off. Syd's all, dude. I have the location. I'll go by myself if I have to. Sloane's all, sister, please. He won't talk to you. Syd's all, then I suggest you get your bony wrinkled ass onto a plane. She gives him an airport location in Mexico and says that she'll be there when he lands. "And we'll go see Drake together," she says, hanging up. She walks off and in the background we see Grayson, in his underwear, firmly taped to a chair. Hee.
Apple Store. Vaughn's at his desk, pretending not to think about how he should ask Sydney to marry him. The ring beckons him, however, so he takes it out of his pocket and holds it for a second, and wonders if he should just take it back to the jeweler and get his money back so that he can buy a small island off the coast of Aruba. While he's pondering married life, Marshall's yammering at Nadia about the Pendant of Eavesdropping Aunties. He says it was just a generic bug and that it'd be hard to trace. Nadia doesn't care. She only cares that she trusted that woman. Marshall's all, oh, please, dude. She was like family! Hell, I trusted Sloane for six years before I found out he was evil. Nadia looks at him. Marshall frantically tries to dig his way out of the trench but it does no good whatsoever and Nadia just looks at him like he's covered in three-week-old bat guano.
Mexico. Sloane lands in a field somewhere and Syd goes to meet him. There's no pilot in the little plane, by the way, which means that Sloane now counts piloting planes amongst his many talents. You know, alongside killing the fiancés of employees, drugging your daughter with Green Goo™, and, of course, world domination. Sloane's totally pissed at Syd, by the way, and he thinks this course of action is reckless. Syd thinks it's just plain darn good sense; she's not letting him get within five feet of the one guy who knows how to put all the Rambaldi stuff together. Sloane's all, DUDE. I had everything I needed last time and I gave it all up! Now can you get off my back already? Syd can't and won't. Sloane declares that he would never do anything more to hurt Nadia, so the idea of him being all into Rambaldi and shit again is just off the track, all right? Now shut up and lead me to Drake so I can take you out of the running. Syd takes him to meet Drake because she could really use a nap right about now and Sloane's packing the sleeping pills.
Once at Drake's Airstream, Syd and Sloane quickly realize that Elena has already been here, because all of Drake's security guys are dead. Oh, and Drake's dead too. Sloane blames Sydney; if he hadn't had to rendezvous with her, he'd have beaten Elena. Sydney blames Sloane; if he hadn't had a sick obsession with Rambaldi, they wouldn't be here at all. Syd starts walking the perimeter of the trailer until she sees a camera in the trees. She runs inside the trailer and starts rooting through cabinets and shelves. Finally, she finds a screen and some controls and discovers that Drake had security cameras everywhere, including one inside the trailer. Syd rewinds the feed to back when Elena was there. Sloane takes the remote from her and Syd looks at him like, dude? Not so grabby! Sloane then stops the rewind and they start watching it from the beginning.
It's fairly boring, really. Drake's surprised that it's Elena who's assembled everything, not Sloane. Elena's surprised that Sloane threw it all away -- for what? The girl. Syd looks kind of…upset by that remark. I don't know why. Sloane shoots her a glance. Again, don't know why. Drake asks Elena if she has a secure facility where she can assemble everything. She does. It's a factory outside of--CLICK! Sloane shuts off the feed and quickly jabs Syd in the neck with a tranq, apologizing to her as he gently lays her on the ground. At least he didn't let her just whomp down or anything.
Apple Store. Jack's phone rings. It's Syd. She's awake and she tells her dad what happened. He asks her if she's okay. She's fine; she's just pissed that she saw this coming and Sloane STILL beat her. Jack tells Syd that he'll pass along the bad news to Angela Bassett. Speaking of Angie, she's having a tête-à-tête with Dixon over in Stairwell #47. He's all up in her grill, bitching at her for letting Sloane get away when she had the chance to keep him chained up at the Apple Store. Angela's all, baby, don't you worry 'bout a thing! Dix is all, oh, whatevah. You're just gonna let Sloane walk. She's all, end of discussion, beeyotch! Dix goes to walk away and she roughly stops him. "This man's taken lives," says Dix. "I did what I thought was best," says Angela. Dix softens and says, "In spite of all this, it's good to see you." AND THEN THEY KISS. Ha! Dix is gettin' him some! Woo! Hee! "Weekends aren't enough," she says. "Tell me about it," he says, grinning. They kiss again. HEE.
Back with Syd. She calls Jack and says that she has an idea, but he's going to hate it. He's one step ahead, saying that she wants him to go talk to her Aunt Katya. Syd's all, you are a mind reader! How'd you do that? Jack's all, I eat my Wheaties. But never you mind that. I'm off to talk to Auntie Hotya. I mean Slutya. I mean Hotya. NO. Katya. Aunt Katya. I'm -- yeah. Going there. The bars slide open and suddenly, we're in Hotya's cell. Jack glares at her. "Is that look supposed to be intimidating?" she purrs. "You forget, Jack -- I've seen your tender side." HEE. God, I love her. Jack's not into her right now, though, because he just orders her to give up the goods on Elena's operations. Hotya's all, what makes you think I know anything about that no-good skank? Jack's all, call it instinct. And Wheaties. Hotya's all, what? So you gonna torture me now? Jack's all, weeeeeelllll. If I must. Hotya's all, hey, while I know we'd both really dig that, I should warn you, I have tons of stamina. "But you already know that about me," she smirks. Heh. I bet he does.
He asks her what she wants, and she says she wants a full pardon and an immediate release. He says he doesn't have the authority; she has faith that he'll find a way. He gives her his word that if the information she provides leads them to Elena, he'll do everything he can to get her what she wants. Hotya asks what Elena's done. Jack tells her. Hotya then says that Elena's been acquiring artifacts for years through her front: The Covenant. Jack's all, the whuh? In the whuh whuh? He's all, bu-bu-bu-BUT we took down the Covenant. Katya's all, no ya didn't. Elena's always been about Rambaldi, dude. And you thought SLOANE was obsessed. "How do we stop her?" asks Jack. "You're asking the wrong sister," spits Katya. "Irina spent the last few years of her life tracking Elena. She was determined to stop our sister from enacting her endgame. And she would have done it too. But you had to go and put a bullet in her head." Jack says he was set up -- that Elena put a hit out on Sydney and framed Irina for it. Katya just says that Jack's full of shit and that if he pulled the trigger, part of him wanted to be manipulated into pulling it. She can lead him to Elena, but the only person who could have helped him stop her is dead, thanks in no small part to, you know, HIM.
Jack gets on the phone to Sydney and tells her that Elena is in Prague at a decommissioned chemical facility south of the industrial zone. He also tells Syd about Elena's ties to the Covenant. "You think we can trust her?" asks Syd. "She's a Derevko," quips Jack, rolling his eyes. Heh. Jack orders Syd to get to Prague and hook up with Dix and Nadia. She's on her way. We jet over to Prague and to Elena's base of operations. She's sitting in a big black chair with her legs spread to either side as if she's a cowboy who's spent far too many years on the back of a pinto. There's a knock at the door. Elena cocks her gun and says something in Russian. Some guards bring in Sloane. "My men think you're here to kill me," she says. "You should hire smarter men," snots Sloane. Heh. Elena rightly guesses that Sloane's there to offer her a deal. "I know what you're trying to do," he says. "I can help." Elena makes this hilarious "Oh, really?" face and says, "Thank God." Hee. Sloane just says that there's no one else on earth who knows more about Milo Rambaldi. Elena comments that she'd heard he'd reformed. "I suppose I've been born again," he says. See? I TOLD you at the end of the last recap that Sloane was going back over to the Dark Side, y'all. Maybe I'M the one eating the Wheaties!
Prague. Dix, Syd, and Nadia are outside Elena's facility. Syd tells Jack and Marshall that they're in place. Jack says that Angela Bassett has authorized them to shoot to kill. Nadia looks slightly pained by this as she says, "Copy that." Oh, get over it, Nadia. Elena framed you, tried to kill Sydney, AND was going to kill your boyfriend! Bitch deserves to die! Marshall tells them that according to thermal energy satellite whoosy-whatsits, there are forty people inside and there are three main areas to secure. Syd copies that and the three of them move out. Inside, they split up and make their way through the facility, sneaking all the way. At one point, Dix hears some people exiting a building and he hears someone say something about a prisoner and that they're bringing "her" down now. Dix gets a glimpse of the prisoner, even though we don't, and the expression on his face is one of "Damn! I thought she was dead!" Incidentally, the man in charge of the prisoner is Jonski Voightskovich from the beginning of the show.
Dix gets up, as if to follow the van, but just then a door slams shut nearby. He turns, gun ready, and it's Sloane. "I was as surprised as you are," he says, referring to the prisoner. Dix orders him to drop his weapon. Sloane orders Dix to drop his. Jack and Marshall hear all of this as Marshall pinpoints their location. Nadia runs toward Dix and Sloane. Meanwhile, they're both continuing to tell the other person to drop it. Sloane says that he warned all of them, but now it's too big to stop. "You can't stop this, only I can," he says. Syd and Nadia take out a couple of guards in an effort to make their way to Dix and Sloane. "You have to trust me," says Sloane. "Trust YOU?" says Dix. "Get out of here now!" grits Sloane. We switch back to Nadia as BAM! BAM! is heard from Dix and Sloane. Uh-oh. Dix slowly slumps to the ground and Elena stands behind him with her gun in hand. Jack shouts at Dix to report, but…he's sleeping. Sloane walks up to Dix and looks at him sadly. "Time to leave," snaps Elena. Sloane reluctantly follows her as Syd and Nadia race to Dix's side. They get there and Dix is moving slightly, but definitely wounded. Syd requests immediate extraction.
Hospital Room of Secret Lovers Who Shall Soon Be Found Out. Dix is in the hospital bed, alive but struggling. Angela is by his side, gently caressing his head. Syd and Jack watch from outside the room as Angela kisses Dix on the lips. She comes out and orders them to call her if anything changes. She walks off. Syd's all, uh, did you have ANY idea about her and Dix? Jack's all, no. But then again, I tend to miss little details like that. Syd's all, oh, right. Ya do not! You're the master of details. Jack's all, oh really? Then how come I keep going over the details of me shooting your mother over and over again and they never feel right? How come, the one time I really could have used my Master's Degree in Detailsology to its fullest, I forget the most important thing I should have remembered: your mother would never, ever hurt you. "She was ready to shut Elena down and I killed her," says Jack. "She was our only hope." "That's not true," says Syd. "We can stop them." Syd assures her father that she trusts his motives and that he always has her best interests at heart. Jack swallows this and then asks how Nadia is feeling. Syd doesn't think she's feeling much of anything right now.
Back with Elena and Sloane. They're making their getaway as Elena chastises Sloane for letting Sydney and Nadia follow him. Sloane just zombies that everything is proceeding as planned. Elena still isn't convinced that Sloane has returned to the fold. Sloane performs the Long Stare of I Smell Something Stinky and we head back to the Apple Store. Vaughn's hanging out by the elevator, wondering if it's a good idea to ask a hair-trigger spy with parent issues to be his bride, when suddenly the doors open and Jack is there. Vaughn asks how Dixon is and Jack tells him he's the same. Vaughn goes to enter the elevator and Jack holds the door. "You asked me a question earlier that I didn't get a chance to answer properly," says Jack. "I'd say the answer was loud and clear," says Vaughn. Heh. Yeah, it was. "We're more alike than I care to admit, Agent Vaughn," says Jack, "and I realize now that in disapproving of you, I was only hating my own limitations." Vaughn looks distinctly uncomfortable at seeing this side of Jack. "I wasn't asking myself what would be best for Sydney," he continues. "If you honestly believe that you can make my daughter happy, then by all means, you have my blessing to marry her." There's a pause while Jack waits to see if Vaughn's going to drop down to his knees and weep upon Jack's shiny black shoes in thanks. But Vaughn just absorbs this and shoots Jack a glance. "Okay, then," he grits. Heh. Good answer, Vaughn.
Back at the hospital, Nadia thinks that Syd always knew Sloane would do this. Syd says that she hoped he wouldn't. Nadia really believed that Sloane chose her. "You must think I'm so naïve," says Nadia. Syd doesn't. "He's your father," she says directly. The nurse comes out and says that Dix is asking for them. They head in to see him. Dix says, "Before I saw Sloane…I saw a prisoner…shackled. Syd…it's your mother. She's alive." Syd looks up like, what, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
on Alias: I still have to write the damn recap. Just hold yer horses! And dream pretty thoughts of Lena. LENA.