Previously on Alias: Cuckoo! Cuckoo!
This episode begins with two rather nefarious-looking men dicking around with a bomb. The guy who looks like a stubblier version of Christopher Lambert tells the other guy, who looks like Matthew Broderick's dirtier black sheep cousin, that he's counting on him. Dirty Broderick leaves, telling Stubbly Lambert that he'll call him when it's finished. We then head on over to the Indonesian Embassy, where Dirty Broderick is passing his bomb-filled bag through security. The guard manning the X-ray machine sees the bomb and, oddly, doesn't pull his gun and order Dirty Broderick to his knees. Instead, he just…quietly goes on his break and lets Dirty Broderick take his bag up to the visa counter. Obviously, Sneaky Security Guard is in on the game.
Dirty Broderick goes up to the counter and flirts nervously with a woman to his left. He sets down his bag and, after hesitating a moment, walks off, leaving his bomb-bag behind. The woman looks after him as if to say, "Wait! You forgot your bomb! Take me with you! I'm too young to die!" Needless to say, the bomb goes off and the building goes boom. We switch over to the Apple Store as Sloane is telling the troops that the bomb was the work of the Beograd Faction, an emerging terrorist group. This group has been good and busy these last four months, bombing the hell out of places, but they haven't claimed any ideology, nor have they made any demands. Sloane says that Langley's desperate to get intel on this group, so they placed a man on the inside, a guy named Thomas Raimes. Raimes specializes in deep undercover work and has been inside the group for the last few months, posing as a document forgery expert. He warned Langley of the impending attack on the embassy, but he never followed up on it.
Dixon looks surprised. "Hey, wait a minute," he says, "weren't you crazier than a shithouse rat just last week? And where's Clifford? And why aren't you under sedation in an undisclosed location? And where's Arvin Clone? And HOW COME NOBODY'S EVEN QUESTIONING YOUR STATE OF MIND RIGHT NOW, MR. BLOODY-FACED BATSHIT BONKERTON?" I might be channeling my own questions through Dixon. Excuse me. Apparently-Not-So-Crazy Sloane tells the troops that Raimes has missed his last four meetings with his handler, so he's either been caught or killed. Those are the only options? Before going off the radar, Raimes identified the leader of the Beograd group as Milos Kradic. Sloane brings up a picture of Milos Kradic, and it's the guy I've been calling Stubbly Lambert. But, since I like that name better, I'm going to keep calling him Stubbly Lambert. Sloane says that Stubbly has a meet set up in Amsterdam tomorrow and that Dix and Vaughn are going to run surveillance on that meet. They're supposed to neutralize Raimes and bring him in for questioning if they see him. Syd's supposed to run the operations from the Apple Store.
I'm sure that, at this point, you're thinking, "Damn, this recap is really boring right about now." And you'd be thinking right. Because, so far -- and I realize we're only three minutes into the damn thing but still -- this entire errant terrorist group storyline is dead fucking boring. And it doesn't get much better throughout the rest of the episode. Especially considering that the promo monkeys promised us some Spy Daddy Emmy-chasing goodness and I can tell you right now -- we barely get ANY.
Uch. Whatever. Sloane breaks up the meeting and everyone sets off to their separate corners. Nadia's cell phone rings and she picks up. It's Sonia Braga. How the hell did she get Nadia's number? The last time they even saw each other was back when Nadia was in jail before she did her impersonation of La Femme Nikita. Nadia says she's very surprised that Sonia's calling because it's been such a long time. See? This is where the Worst Spy Ever stuff starts -- when your long-lost mentor/orphanage keeper calls you up, out of the blue, ON YOUR CELL PHONE, and you don't even wonder how she got the damn number, you DESERVE to be called the Worst Spy Ever. Sonia announces that she's flying in and wants to see Nadia. Without even blinking, Nadia says she'll meet her at the airport.
The morning, Syd and Nadia walk through the airport. Syd, at least, is slightly suspicious of Sonia, and she asks Nadia why Sonia's coming to L.A. now, all of a sudden? Nadia's like, dunno! Didn't ask! Didn't even bring mah gun! Oooh, cotton candy. Syd's like, oh, man. And everyone thought that I was the Worst Spy Ever. How times have changed. They make their way to the gate, and Syd asks if Nadia's okay, because she's not acting very excited. Nadia's worried that Sonia will be disappointed in her because of that time she was in jail or whatever. Oh, get on with it. "Who knows if she'll even recognize me?" says Nadia. Dude. She got your damn CELL PHONE NUMBER, let's assume she's done her fair share of research when it comes to your actual appearance, homie. God.
Just then, Sonia arrives, and she's in a wheelchair. She removes her big-ass sunglasses and she has two huge shiners wrapping around her eyes. Nadia goes to her in a panic and Sonia just apologizes, saying she had nowhere else to go. And, can I just say that, as much as I love Sonia Braga, if she's a Derevko, I'll eat my own hand. Yeah, I'm jumping ahead to the reveal at the end, what of it? WHAT OF IT? She's no goddamn Derevko, that's all. I think they're all adopted or something. Or clones. Or fembots. I have no problem believing Isabella Rossellini as Irina's older sister Katya, but a Latina actress of a much more advanced age being cast as the oldest sister of a trio of evil Russian spy chicks? I. Don't. Think. So.
Watch out, people. I gave this a B in the recaplet, but I'm about to slip down the slope toward a C-. Just watch me.
Hospital Room of Women Who Could In No Way Be a Derevko. Sonia's telling Nadia, Sloane, and Syd about how, a few weeks ago, she realized she was being watched. Then, last night, she came home early from work, and they were in her house. They attacked her. Syd asks what they wanted. Sonia doesn't know. Sloane asks if they took anything. Sonia doesn't know. All she knows is, when she woke up, her house was ransacked and they were gone. Syd says they should let her get some sleep, and Sloane agrees. He moves toward Sonia and takes her hand, apologizing that they had to meet under these circumstances. He declares that she's family to Nadia and therefore she's family to him. Sloane and Syd leave.
Out in the hall, Sloane tells Syd that since Sonia took care of Nadia when he couldn't, he'll take care of her now. He says he'll reach out to their connections in Portugal and try to get to the bottom of it. He asks her if she needs a ride, and she says she doesn't and walks off. Yes, it's that entertaining. "You need a ride?" "No, thanks." Man. The plate of mashed potatoes I'm currently snarfing my way through has more depth and creativity than this scene. Could we maybe, I don't know, SPICE IT UP A LITTLE? Sloane reaches down to his hand and peels off some palm-print-capturing rubber cement. Looks like he got Sonia's…palm print? Is that even usable in the fingerprint database? I mean, unless there's a palm print database somewhere I don't know about, I really don't know what good that can do.
I think I'm wishing I'd started doing this recap yesterday when I could drink. That's the problem with leaving it until Sunday; there's a lot less opportunity to drown out the glaring plot holes and dumb devices with vast quantities of grain alcohol.
We cut to a large jar being rapidly filled with blood. The blood is Jack's and it's being, like, oxidized or something. He's sitting in a chair with these metal sleeves attached to the crooks of both arms, and his blood is being sucked out of him and then…pumped back in? I don't know. All I know is, Michael McKean is his doctor and that's either a big joke or a sign of the apocalypse. Because who the hell makes David St. Hubbins Jack Bristow's doctor unless he's going to break out in "Big Bottom" at some point just for the hell of it? I'd pay good money to see that.
So, Dr. St. Hubbins says something about how "that'll take the edge off" and he then proceeds to put a bandage on Jack's right calf. Remember that. It'll be important later when Jack can't remember having something done to his right calf. Whatever treatment Jack's undergoing, it's not a cure; it's just supposed to keep the inevitable at bay a bit longer. Jack says he's been reading up on some treatments done in Prague, and Dr. St. Hubbins just says that none of it matters. The radiation Jack was exposed to was, well, let's just say he's not going to be around much longer. Jack declares that they'll just have to keep looking for a cure. Through their conversation, we learn that St. Hubbins and Jack have known each other for over twenty years. Whether or not St. Hubbins has been his doctor all that time remains to be seen. The good doctor blah blahs something about laughter not really being the best medicine and that a clean conscience is a treatment he can get behind. The point being, Jack should tell his daughter what's up. "We both know how this is going to end. We can filter your blood 'til the cows come home," says St. Hubbins, "but there's no change in the outcome. Clear your conscience, Jack." "Well, that would take another lifetime at least," quips Jack. Heh. St. Hubbins repeats that he should talk to Sydney. Jack appears to consider it.
Amsterdam. Yawn. I'm sorry. I'm just anticipating the rest of this scene and it's making me sleepy. Vaughn and Dix are watching the meet location, waiting for Raimes. Dix says something that makes Vaughn ask if he has history with Raimes. He does. They were in the Marines together. Zzzzzzz. Wake me when something interesting happens. A car pulls up and Stubbly Lambert gets out. Another guy gets out and it's Raimes. Vaughn asks if he's gone rogue. Dix shoots a glance at Vaughn and we…go to the credits, which just…yeah.
And now is the time on Alias when we wonder if we can get through this recap in under two hours because GOD was I bored.
Fake Derevko Hospital Room. Sonia's crowing about how beautiful Nadia's become. Nadia says she finds it hard to believe that she has a home and a family now. "Your father's a good man," says Sonia. "I can tell." "Yeah," says Nadia. "Except for when he's braining a bad guy with part of a Rambaldi model. I don't like him so much then." Nadia says she should rest and goes to leave, but before she can, Sonia removes a St. Marcos pendant from around her neck and gives it to Nadia. Nadia, attempting to get herself nominated for Worst Spy Of The Damn Millennium, just takes the pendant and doesn't even bother to take it into Marshall to see if it has the same camera built into it that the Tie of Doom and Destruction did. Sure, if my former guardian gave me a pendant, I wouldn't think to have it analyzed, but then, I DON'T COME FROM A FAMILY OF SPIES.
Apple Store. Marshall is quickly becoming the Joke Du Jour and I'm not really into it. Last week, he was futzing with a lightsaber or something, then he was interrupted, causing one of those "D'oh!" moments that he's so good at. This week, it's him wearing a VR helmet and playing with a square or something when Sloane interrupts him, causing, you guessed it, a "D'oh!" moment. It's just…it's getting old. Sloane hands over the Sonia palm print and says it's a latent fingerprint, which it so isn't, because PALM PRINT, and he orders Marshall to gather up all intel on the print and deliver it directly to him. Marshall's all, yeah, sure, no problem. Sloane's all, thanks, and, uh, I'm going to go now, because I don't want your geekiness to rub off on me. Actually, Rifkin's expression is really hilarious here. He kind of smacks his lips and does a subtle eye-roll. Heh.
Elsewhere at the Apple Store, Jack's pulling the skin off his own palm. Ew. He's picking at and picking at it and DON'T PICK AT IT, JACK. You'll only make it worse. Didn't your mother teach you anything? A generous swab of Neosporin and big gauzy bandage is what he needs. Just then, Syd storms in without even knocking and Jack twitchily hides his palm. She tells him that they found Raimes and that he's traveling with Stubbly Lambert. Jack tells her to have the team shadow Raimes and then bring him in for questioning because he wants to know why Raimes hasn't contacted Langley. "I'll let them know," says Sydney, in a voice with almost no inflection. Jack looks like he's about to tell her about his sickness, but he decides not to at the last minute and just tells her to let him know when Vaughn and Dixon have secured Raimes. She says she'll keep him posted and walks out. Jack continues to dig and peel at his palm. IT'LL NEVER HEAL IF YOU KEEP PICKING AT IT.
"UNKLE" by U.N.K.L.E. plays across the soundtrack as we move to a club in Amsterdam. Lots of young people getting stoned -- this is Amsterdam, after all -- and drinking and generally hanging out. The camera careens around the room and we see Vaughn, zeroing in on Raimes and Stubbly Lambert. Vaughn tells Dixon he has him, and then he walks off and "bumps" into the waitress, dropping something into Raimes's whiskey. The waitress delivers the drinks and everyone toasts. Suddenly, Raimes gets up, looking decidedly ill. He rushes off to the bathroom, passing a geeky-looking dude sitting on a sofa. The geeky-looking dude looks at Raimes with more than a little interest.
Once in the bathroom, Raimes immediately vomits. Dix and Vaughn appear, and Dix says, "Last time I saw you like this, you were in a bar in Baghdad." ["Last time I saw him like that, he just got his ass shot." -- Sars] Raimes is surprised to see him there. Both Dix and Vaughn want to know why Raimes didn't fill out a second report that the bomb was going to go off at the embassy. Raimes is all, you know what? I'll make sure to fill out a report later, okay? There's some back and forth between the three of them, and the music tries its damnedest to pretend that there's some tension, any tension, in this scene, but there just…isn't. What's the nutshell of this scene? Do you care? Okay, fine. Dix and Vaughn think Raimes is working for the bad guys because he didn't inform Langley of the bombing before it was supposed to happen. Raimes thinks Dix and Vaughn had better get the hell out of there before Stubbly Lambert gets suspicious, as he's wont to do, seeing as he's a paranoid mofo. That's it. That's the whole thing.
Raimes let fifteen people die at the embassy because he "had his reasons" not to tell Langley about the bombing. Mostly because if he'd tipped them off, and Stubbly Lambert had found out about it, his cover would be blown, and he had a reason to stick around. Mainly that Stubbly Lambert is after a new weapon that contaminates water. It can wipe out entire ecosystems. And the embassy bombing was crucial to getting the weapon. How? We don't know. But it was either kill fifteen people or fifteen million, Raimes sums up, and he had to make a choice. Raimes says that if they don't recover the water contaminant, hundreds of thousands of people could die, so he suggests that Dixon let him walk out that door. The Strings of This Scene Isn't Boring! No! It's Not Boring At All! mercifully take us to the commercial break.
When we return, both Vaughn and Dix are on their cell phones, telling the Apple Store that Raimes used the bombing to cover the intel theft that let them know where the water contaminant was being developed. It's called Hydrosec, by the way, and it's being developed by the Indonesians. Oh, those crafty Indonesians. Always coming up with new ways to make water suck. Stubbly Lambert knew that if the bomb went off, all the intel at the embassy would be transferred offsite, and he was prepared to intercept the transferal. Now, he's putting together a team to go get the Hydrosec. Raimes says the only option they have is to let Stubbly Lambert lead them to the weapon and they can take him out of the picture before he can use it. Dixon decides to keep Raimes in the field and he and Vaughn will shadow him. Stubbly Lambert sends Dirty Broderick off to look for Raimes.
Back in the bathroom, Dix is trying to convince Raimes to wear a wire. Raimes is all, did I mention the paranoia? Dude will sweep me and I'll be caught. No thanks. Dix says they'll wire him with something else that'll send out burst transmissions; no way Stubbly Lambert will be able to detect it. Raimes says that's fine; he'll meet him in the bar in ten minutes. Dix then asks who the meet is with, and Raimes tells him it's with a hacker named Linus Halsey. Dix asks if Stubbly Lambert has ever met Linus face-to-face and Raimes says no, why? You thinking of changing him out? Both Vaughn and Dix think this is a very good idea, and head off to chase down Linus. Raimes returns to Stubbly Lambert. I check to see if I'm still awake. Would it be wrong if I tried to write this while I slept? I'm thinking that if it's wrong, I don't want to be right.
Apple Store. Sydney says she's going to do some research on Linus. Marshall runs up to Sloane and gives him the background info on Sonia that he requested. Sloane skips to the last page and looks veddddy interested in what he reads there. He grimaces and enters his office. Over at Sydney's desk, she's found Linus. "He has a degree in nonlinear cryptoalgorithms and stochastic systems analysis," says Sydney. "Because if they called it 'code-breaking,' they couldn't charge thirty grand tuition." Heh. Over at Nadia's desk, she's linked with Amsterdam's urban surveillance network. She finds Linus at the Hotel Ruisseau. Syd gets on the horn and tells Vaughn and Dix where to find the hacker.
At the hotel, Linus exits his room and walks down the hallway. Vaughn pops the tip on a syringe and walks toward him. As he passes, Vaughn throws his arm up over his head in an attempt to, what, stab Linus in the neck with the needle? It doesn't work, though, and Linus has obviously watched The Matrix one too many times, because he goes all jujitsu on Vaughn's ass. Running running running. Chasing chasing chasing. Fire escape. Running. Climbing. Chasing. Linus finally hurls himself over the side of the fire escape into a waiting dumpster full of garbage bags. Vaughn, thinking he's superhuman or an X-Man or something, hurls himself over the side too, only he's another two floors up from where Linus jumped, and I don't care if those garbage bags are filled with cotton balls and bubble wrap, Vaughn would have been DOA if he'd actually jumped from that height. Seriously. There's suspension of disbelief (Rambaldi, Sark loving Lauren, Syd running in heels, Marshall having sex) and then there's out-fucking-rageous and no-goddamn-way (a machine that says "Peace," Sloane and Irina having sex, Will and Francie having sex, Syd missing for two years and it never really being dealt with). The garbage bag jump, I'm afraid, falls into the latter category.
They both survive, of course, and jump out from the bags to continue the chase. Vaughn tells Dixon they're coming his way, and Linus runs right into a car. He gets up, though, only to be smacked down a second later by Dixon. "I would have had him," gasps Vaughn, bent over double. Heh. "I know," says Dixon. Heh heh. Back at the Apple Store, Syd walks up to Nadia and informs her that they got Linus at the hotel, so good work on that. Nadia says thanks and "we aim to please" and Syd comments on what a good mood she's in. Nadia says she is and they both chalk it up to things going well with Sonia. She goes on, saying that she never knew what Sonia saw in her as a child, but that she called Nadia her "special one" and Nadia carried that knowledge with her when she left the orphanage; someone, somewhere believed in her. Syd says she was lucky to have a person like that in her life. Nadia agrees.
Fake Derevko Hospital Room. Sonia's sleeping. Sloane enters and gets right to the point. "Why did you really come here? Tell me." Sonia's all, the huh? Sloane's all, yeah, I know about José, I know about how the police found his body, and how they found a suspect's fingerprint but couldn't identify it. I could, however, and did. Wanna tell me about the time you killed that José guy? Sonia finally spills the beans and says that he was hurting her girls and this pissed her off because she was the one who hired him. You might recall José from the opening scene of the Nadia-centric episode. Sloane changes tack and asks Sonia if José hurt Nadia. Sonia says he tried, but she didn't give him a second chance. "I would have done the same thing," says Sloane. Heh. I bet you would.
Sloane says that, be that as it may, she still hasn't answered his question. Sonia just blah blahs something about how, from the moment Nadia came to her, she was in danger. She changed her name to Santos so nobody could find her. The men who attacked Sonia in Lisbon weren't after Sonia, they were after Nadia. They wanted to know the name Sonia had given Nadia, but she told them nothing. Sloane asks why she didn't tell Nadia all of this. Sonia says that she didn't want to interrupt the happiness that Nadia has found with her newfound familyzzzzzzzzz -- what? What's that? Huh? Sloane says that Sonia doesn't have to worry, he can take care of Nadia now. "How can you be sure?" asks Sonia. "Because I know who's after my child," he says. Yeah, Sloane. AND SHE'S LYING IN THE BED RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU. Gah.
Marshall's Garage of Geekiness. Syd enters and asks what Marshall wanted to see her about. He's all, oh, I just wanted to show you this stuff about Hydrosec so that it would give you a reason to come into my office and see the file on my desk about Sonia. But, right now, take a look at the damage just one billionth of a gram of Hydrosec can do. "One gram of Hydrosec," says Marshall, "turns Lake Michigan into sludge." Shout-out? I'd like to think so. Syd figures that, in order to manufacture the Hydrosec, you'd need a Level 4 biohazard containment and a massive cooling system, which should narrow down the possible locations. Just give Marshall a couple of hours to come up with some. That's when Syd finally sees Sonia's file. She picks it up and walks out with it before Marshall can even protest.
Syd races right into Sloane's office and says, "What the hell were you thinking?" "I'm sure you mean that in the most polite way," he snits. Hee. Syd bitches at Sloane for using CIA resources to check up on Sonia. Sloane just says he was being cautious. Syd blah blahs something about how Nadia trusts him now and every time he lies to her, he breaks that bond. Syd's only concern is for her sister. Sloane looks mildly pained.
Back in Amsterdam -- Jesus, are we still in Amsterdam? -- Dix enters as Linus, and I'm amazed that Dixon had the foresight to pack his Pimptastic2000 Supersuit. Or maybe he just dropped by the Pimps-R-Us Surplus Outlet on Rivvsraadicstraat. Either way, he's wearing the ugliest polyester threads seen outside of Michael Jackson's summer closet. Dix and Stubbly Lambert exchange code phrases, and Dirty Broderick sweeps Dix for wires and weapons. He's clean, of course, and Stubbly Lambert invites him to sit. Dix would love to sit, but first he has to have his Shaft-o-Riffic Pimp Daddy Ho Leathah hat surgically removed from his head. Good god. Do they MAKE leather hats in brick red?
This entire scene, by the way, is totally pointless and kind of annoying, even with Dixon in it, and that's saying a lot, you know, because I loves me some Carl Lumbly. I'll try to get through it as quickly and painlessly as possible. Stubbly Lambert says some shit to Dixon about his rep. Outside in the van, Vaughn is holding onto Linus and keeping him around to pump for information that can help Dixon ace his interview. Dix and Stubbly keep bantering back and forth until, finally, Stubbly asks Dix what went wrong on the Kroner job. Vaughn asks Linus what happened on the Kroner job. Linus would rather bitch about the stuff that Stubbly called him. Vaughn would rather Linus answer the damn question, so he yanks out one of Linus's brow piercings. Heh.
Dix starts to vamp, waiting for the information from Vaughn and Linus. But they're too busy arguing and fighting with each other to tell Dix the Kroner story. Vaughn rips out one of Linus's earrings and threatens to rip out another if he doesn't spill. Linus says that Kroner stiffed him ten grand. That doesn't explain why Kroner hates him, Stubbly points out. After a couple more ripped earring threats, Linus finally says that he hacked Kroner's credit card to pay for hookers and then sent the bills to his wife. Everyone loves this story. Except me. Because I don't understand the point. Nor do I care to. This is one big bowl of cut-rate filler, ladies and gentlemen, and I want to leave room for dessert, so I'm not filling up. Stubbly says they leave in an hour, and orders Dirty Broderick to tell the team to meet them at some airfield.
Apple Store. Oh, god. Jack's picking at his damn hand again. Just. Don't. But he does. And then, as if it's the most natural thing in the world, Jack picks up his letter opener and starts scraping at his palm with it. Syd enters, forcing Jack to practically fling the letter opener across the room. She's all, you wanted to see me? He's all, what letter opener? I don't know what you're talking about? NOTHING IS WRONG WITH MY HAND. Actually, he just says something about how Stubbly Lambert must've had a tap on the Indonesian embassy in order to get the intel out of it and Syd thinks that, if the tap is still around, they might be able to access it remotely, just like Stubbly did. Huh? In the whuh? I…yeah. No idea. Syd says she'll get Marshall right on it and then leaves, allowing Jack to go back to DIGGING AT HIS PALM WITH A SHARP IMPLEMENT.
No. Seriously. I have the TiVo paused right now and I can't bring myself to look at the screen as I type this. Suffice it to say, Jack stabs and digs at his hand as if he has no pain receptors whatsoever and finally pulls out…a clear capsule? I don't know. I'm not looking. My eyes are closed. It sounds like he's stabbing at a raw piece of meat and then sucking something out of it with a straw. EWWWW. But, yeah, it's some sort of capsule. Jack holds it between his fingers and looks absolutely flummoxed at its appearance as the Flutes of Way To Gross Us The Hell Out, Writers lead us into the break.
Medical Offices of St. Hubbins, Tufnel & Smalls. The doc is amazed that decades of research went into making this little medical marvel of a clear capsule and Jack just goes and yanks it out with a letter opener. "What're you talking about?" Jack says, rubbing at his hand. "You don't have the faintest…" The doctor stops himself. "I implanted it. To regulate the medication in your bloodstream. I explained the entire procedure to you." "You did?" asks Jack. "I did," says St. Hubbins. "I have no memory of that," says Jack. Uh-oh. The doc goes on to say that memory loss could be a side effect, and he even implanted a second capsule in his calf. Jack reaches down and, sure enough, there's a bandage on his calf. Told you that'd be important later. I love it when I'm right. Also, Victor Garber's really pale. And I DIG that about him.
Jack says that memory loss is totally unacceptable in his line of work. Doc St. Hubbins says he can adjust the medication, but the condition is progressing quicker than he anticipated. He again brings up the idea of talking to Sydney. Jack again says he doesn't want to burden his daughter with yet another problem since she's had so much to deal with already in her life. Aw. And…yeah? So what? Programming her to be a spy is one thing, dude. Not telling her she's about to lose her damn father is entirely different. Tell her now or run the risk of dropping dead before you have the chance to tell her you love her the mostest. "You won't always be around to protect her, Jack," says the doc. "You have to tell her the truth before it's too late." Amen, brother.
Amsterdam. Dix is in the back of a van, shooting the shit with Raimes. No one else is around, obviously, because they're talking about the embassy bombing and how Dixon doesn't agree with what Raimes did. While Raimes regrets his decision, he'd make it again, especially since the deaths of fifteen people might have saved the lives of millions of others. Whatever you need to say to yourself so you can sleep at night, dude. "There are casualties in the business we're in," he says. "You disappoint me, Marcus. There was a time you understood that." "That was a long time ago," says Dixon. "Things are…different now." Raimes asks if he got religion. Dix is like, no, I got married. Same thing, though, right? Raimes says something about how marriage softens a man. Dix says no, on the contrary, it deepens him. Gives a man perspective. "And whenever I think of those fifteen people at the embassy," says Dix, "it weighs on me." This seems to make an impression on Raimes and he asks how many kids Dix has; Dix tells him about his son and daughter. "And the lucky lady?" "My wife was killed a few years ago," says Dix, pain still evident on his face. "What you would call a casualty of the business we're in." Ooooh. Burn.
Teuge Airfield. The van pulls up and Vaughn's already there, making a cell phone call. Stubbly Lambert gets out of the front of the van and orders Dirty Broderick to make sure the plane's ready to go. Then he opens the doors to the back and Raimes and Dix get out. At the Apple Store, Syd informs Sloane and Nadia that Vaughn just checked in from the airfield. Oh, and Marshall ran a network probe on the embassy and Jack was right; they got a source on the Hydrosec. It's at a manufacturing plant in Peru. Unfortunately, Stubbly Lambert's men got there first. A fire went up in one of the research labs four hours ago and Syd's assuming that Lambert's men started it in order to steal the Hydrosec. The question is, now that they have the Hydrosec, where do they plan to use it? Sloane says that, as long as they have Dixon in the field, they should continue to keep him in play. He dismisses everyone. Jack remains. Sloane asks him if there's something else, and Jack hesitates before finally saying, "I know we agreed to keep this between ourselves, but the time has arrived. Personal considerations have been weighing on me, Arvin. We need to tell them the truth." He looks out at their daughters, discussing the current operation. "Yes, I know," says Sloane. "You're right. I'm afraid that Nadia's already in danger." She is, dude. Keeping that in mind, why don't you have that damn necklace checked out already, huh? I mean, really.
Airfield of Isn't This Damn Story Over Yet? Everyone starts moving toward the plane. And here's where something happens that I had to rewind six times before realizing that it was never going to make sense to me. That nerdy guy from back at the club seems to be walking toward the plane at the same time as Stubbly and his gang. I can't tell if he's a member of Stubbly's team or what, but he talks into his wrist, just like other CIA members do when they're on comms, and he says, "I'm in place, do you read?" A man's voice tells him to go ahead. At that moment, something on Dirty Broderick's belt beeps and he puts an earpiece in his ear just in time to hear Nerdy Guy say, "[Lambert] has gathered a total of six team members and they're en route to the plane." "And Agent Dixon is still imbedded?" asks the other voice. "Securely," says Nerdy Guy, walking right past Lambert and his men. See, what? Huh? Is that guy CIA? Did he just make a burst transmission and Dirty Broderick picked it up? Is he a member of the team? Is he a member of the CIA? Is he working with someone else entirely? I. Have. No. Idea.
It doesn't matter, really. All that matters is that Dirty Broderick goes right to Stubbly with this intercepted transmission, and Stubbly grabs a gun and all the other team members grab guns, and everyone points their guns at Dix and Raimes. Dix is all, uh, what's happening? Vaughn tells Dix through comms that he's in position. Stubbly wants to know which one of them is Agent Dixon. Dix plays it like Stubbly's crazy and Raimes just plays it like he's paranoid. Stubbly's all, you're an agent! Dix is all, you crazy! Stubbly's all, no, YOU'RE an agent. Raimes is all, you crazy! And so on. Stubbly puts down his gun and turns to walk away, saying, "Kill both of them." Before the guys can pull the trigger, though, Raimes takes action, knocking Dix out of the way and shooting the hell out of the team members. Dirty Broderick shoots Raimes and he goes down. Dix picks up the fallen gun and shouts, "Enough!" Vaughn tells Dix not to shoot Lambert because he has to lead them to the Hydrosec. "Let me finish this!" says Dix, turning to Raimes. He picks up him and says, "This is how you deal with traitors! What you got to say now, Agent Dixon?" Raimes looks at him as we wonder just how much longer we have to endure this ho-hum episode.
After the break, Dix is still pointing his gun at Raimes. "Any last words?" he snaps at Raimes. "Hey," says Raimes, laughing, "casualty of the business I'm in." Vaughn interprets this correctly, saying to Dix that Raimes is offering himself up as a sacrificial lamb. Heh. I actually typed "sacrificial lamp," which is an entirely different sacrifice involving bulbs and dimmer switches. Vaughn tells Dix to shoot him. Dix shoots him. Then he turns around and says they have business to do and they need to get the hell out of there before Raimes's backup shows. "You're welcome!" he says, handing over the gun. The three of them get on the plane, leaving the dead inexplicably behind. Vaughn just watches them go.
After the plane takes off, Vaughn runs over to Raimes and checks his pulse. On the plane, Dixon deals with the reality of having shot a former friend point-blank on a tarmac. Vaughn gets on the phone and orders a med unit to take care of Raimes. Over at the Apple Store, Syd tells Weiss and Marshall that Vaughn just reported in and that Raimes is critical but stable. Guess getting shot at point-blank range ain't as serious as we've been led to believe, huh? Weiss goes off to track Dixon's flight, and Marshall says he might be able to triangulate Dixon's coordinates using a satellite or something. Whatever. They have everything under control, I guess. Until week, when Dixon just shows up for a meeting like it's any other week and no one seems to remember that he was on a plane headed for god-knows-where not one week ago and Dix is all, what? Oh, like Sloane can go off and beat some guy to death with Clifford the Big Red Ball in the background and no one even thinks to ask him about it, but one week later but I go up in a plane in search of a water contaminant and it's some big-ass deal that I'm back this week with no explanation? Huh? Can't I get a little love?
Jack walks up and asks Syd if she has a minute. She does. She saunters into Sloane's Office of West Elm Furniture, where Nadia's already seated. "What's this about?" asks Syd, kind of rudely, actually. Sloane tells her to come in. Nadia stands. "There's something we need to tell you," says Jack. "Something you have the right to know. It concerns your mother's sister." "Katya?" asks Syd. No, Syd. Not that sister. The other sister. Elena. Jack goes on to say that Elena was one of the foremost assassins for the KGB, responsible for the murders of countless diplomats. Yeah. Those pesky diplomats. Always…diplomatting and shit. Can't let them get away with that! "She earned the reputation as being the cruelest of the Derevko women," says Jack. Man. That's saying something, huh? She must be a real doozy, then. Irina marries men to get secrets from them, Katya stabs guys in the hands, and Elena is the cruelest? Damn. She must set iguanas on fire and beat blind children with spiked sticks or something.
Nadia wants to know why they're telling them about this now. Sloane says it's because, thirty years ago, Elena disappeared, rumored to have had a falling out with Irina. Elena then severed all ties with the KGB, as well as her family. No one could find her, not even Irina. "But you found something," says Syd. Jack did. He got some intel from an associate of his about a year ago and it led them to one of Elena's safehouses in Warsaw. "Inside, we found this," says Sloane, sliding over two thick leather-bound books. The girls flip them open and inside is a detailed catalogue of both of their lives. "Given what's here," says Jack, "we can assume she's been surveilling you both for at least a decade." "We can also assume that she's responsible for the attack on [Sonia]," says Sloane. Well, that's sorta true, Arvin.
"Why?" says Nadia. "What could she possibly want from us?" And the camera scoots down and zooms in on Nadia's diabolical St. Marcos pendant. "I don't know," says Sloane, as we switch to a computer screen that someone is watching in a dark room. On it are voice patterns that are obviously being recorded by the pendant. "We're doing everything we can to find out," says Sloane. A woman's hand reaches out and does something on the keyboard. A phone rings. "It's me," says a male voice. We switch to -- Nerdy Guy! Huh. He tells whoever is on the other end of his phone that the plane is in the air. "Do we know where they're headed?" "I'll contact you once I have their final destination," says the voice of Sonia Braga. The camera pans up and it's her, all right, looking far better than she did back in that hospital bed. She's got on a low-cut black sweater and lots of silver jewelry and her bruises have already faded considerably. "I'll be waiting," says Nerdy Guy. "I won't let you down, Elena." D'oh! "Do you have any idea where Elena is?" asks Sydney, back at the Apple Store. "At this point," says Sloane, "she could be anywhere." She's right there, Sloane! SHE'S RIGHT THERE.
I still say she ain't no Derevko, but Sonia Braga rules.
week on Alias: Finally? We get the Victor Garber Emmy reel? Maybe? If the promo monkeys aren't messing with us again? Please?