Previously on Alias: [Riiiiiing! Riiiiing riiiiing!] "Hello?" "Help! I'm trapped in a coffin! Sara M knocked me out and buried me alive!" "Oh. [pause] Well, is Sara M still outside in the real world?" "I…guess so? But I'm not! I'm buried alive! Someone help me!" "So Sara M can cover your recap?" "I…yeah. Sure. Whatever. Sars. I AM IN A COFFIN." "Yeah. That sucks, dude. Let me know if you get out in time to cover the episode, okay? You should probably hang up, though. If you want to conserve your air." [Click.] "He-- hello? Sars? Anyone? WON'T ANYONE HELP ME?" [Riiiiiing! Riiiiing riiiiing!] "Hello?" "Hiiiii. This is Celeste from Verizon? I'm afraid that last call you made was outside your call area." "YEAH? NO SHIT, CELESTE. I'M IN A COFFIN." "Okay, greaaaaat. You do know that you'll be charged double-extra-overtime-long-distance for that call, okaaaay? That'll show up on your bill. And thank you for using Verizon. Buh-bye now!" [Click.] "[Whimper.]"
Luckily, a couple of Goth kids happened by my gravesite in search of real human bones to dig up and turn into unusual earrings and tongue adornments, and they were kind enough to help me out of my early grave. I had to sign a document promising to leave my femurs to them, however, so I hope my family isn't planning on an open-casket funeral. At any rate, thanks? I guess? To Sara M for covering for me while I was SIX FEET UNDER. It was the least she could do, of course, considering how SHE PUT ME THERE AND EVERYTHING.
I'm back. I'm covered with dirt. And I'm ready to recap. Yee. And haw.
We open with a night shot of Washington, D.C. and quickly move indoors to the cupola at the CIA building. You know, the one with all the stars commemorating the fallen CIA members? That's the one. So, some worker is putting the finishing touches on one of the stars as some sad, sad horns play. Vaughn approaches, looking utterly delicious in a dark suit. He watches the man work as a voice-over declares, "On behalf of the Central Intelligence Agency, a grateful nation thanks you for your father's sacrifice. This star on the wall is in some ways too small a gesture. Bill Vaughn dedicated his life in service and commitment for his country. His death in the line of duty is a tragedy for his loving wife and his young son…" The voice trails off on that "young son" part and it's then that we realize this is probably just a dream or something. This is reinforced by the clicky spy music that starts playing and the fact that Vaughn sticks his finger into the star and realizes that it's just paint.
Vaughn looks around carefully, then pulls out his switchblade and starts picking at the star and hacking at it until he's punching a hole through the wall and getting this totally manic look on his face. Hacking, punching, hacking, punching, and suddenly, dusty, dead hands slam through and grab Vaughn by the neck. Whoa. Vaughn wakes up to Sydney, thoroughly convinced that he needs to head directly to Walgreen's and pick up a carton of Tylenol PM and possibly a fifth of vodka, because, damn. Those are some wicked creepy dreams he's having. Syd sleeps soundly to him, and he lies back on the pillows, hoping to dream of nuclear power plants.
Siberia. Yakutia Nuclear Power Plant. Two men are hauling a semi-conscious man up some stairs. We get a brief glimpse of the vastness of the interior of the plant before we rejoin the three men somewhere in a small room. The semi-conscious dude is dumped on the ground and one of the other guys injects him in the neck with something. In an observation booth, Elya Baskin, the actor who played Robin Williams' sad clown best friend in Moscow on the Hudson, orders the two conscious guys to get the hell out of what he calls the test chamber. Standing to Elya is a rather wooly-looking guy in a vested tweed suit. I looked up the episode on IMDb and it would appear this dude is Robin Sachs, a Brit actor who has appeared in dozens of films and TV shows, one of which was Buffy. Wow. Looks like Drew Goddard is bringing in alllll kinds of people he used to work with. Guess it pays to work with Drew, huh?
So, sorry, back to the nuclear plant. Elya orders someone to bring the reactor online. Elsewhere in the plant, some dude in a Back to the Future jumpsuit takes a nuclear sample or whatever and puts it into the reactor. Elya hits a switch and a big whirring starts. The semi-conscious dude suddenly wakes up and is all, uh, what in the HELL am I doing in here? Elya doesn't respond. He just watches the monitors and the screens and then hits a button and this silver bullet shape in the middle of the test chamber starts to open up, revealing a shiny-plated thingy that looks like it's charging. Back with Elya, the screen in front of him shows some Russian letters and then the translation: NIGHTINGALE. Elya hits a red button and things fire up even more as the computer voice counts down the seconds. The soon-to-be-dead guy is all, no, seriously, WHAT THE HELL? He pleads for his life as Elya and Robin just…stand there and watch him.
Nightingale charges more. Dead Guy pleads more. Elya pushes more buttons. The test chamber goes red. Nightingale glows. Dead Guy pleads. Elya and Robin watch. The countdown hits "one" and suddenly, there are a bunch of bright flashes and Dead Guy screams and then he looks up and…his face is kind of melting. There's blood running from his nose and ears and his veins are popping out and, dudes. It totally freaked me out the first time I saw it and I'm not really relishing reliving the moment, you know? Suffice it to say, with every flashing light, Dead Guy becomes Melty Guy and he's still ALIVE and Elya just keeps hitting buttons like YEAH, THAT'S NOT HELPING, ELYA, and poor Melty Guy just keeps…melting.
Finally, Elya hits a green button, bringing Nightingale to an end, and Melty Guy slams himself up against the glass in a last-ditch attempt to plead for his life but…well…he has no lips anymore so he can't really talk and his poor little hands are kind of…clumpy now, so even if he wanted to flip Elya the bird, he can't and…I think he just slides down and hopefully dies at this point but I really don't know because MY EYES ARE CLOSED. Ew. Elya remarks to Robin that he hopes he can see the true power of Nightingale now, and if Robin can't see it, then I've got a freeze-frame of a melty dude on my screen right now that might be able to EDUCATE him. Elya comments that Robin's investment should prove to be quite lucrative. Yeah. I hope so. BECAUSE MELTY GUY, OKAY? It's seriously gross, y'all.
Okay. You grossed me out, yo, but bravo, makeup department. Bravo. Nothing wins awards like melty-faced dudes. Trust me. Also? Good work, Foley folks, because the slapping sound against the glass made by Melty Guy? EWWWWWW. Like, watching the scene was one thing, you know? It was over relatively quickly and I could look away during the truly gross parts -- but I have to keep pausing to recap this and now the scene has taken well over fifteen minutes and every time I have to go back and catch dialogue, I have to play through the melty "whap whap whap" sound made by Melty Guy and GROOOOOSSSSS.
And totally awesome. Hee.
Ovary Electric. Syd and Vaughn are enjoying a post-nightmare breakfast. Syd asks for the front page and they both read their sections in silence for a moment. Finally, Vaughn tells her that someone called him back from the CIA archives yesterday morning and Syd's all, why didn't you tell me he called? Vaughn's all, uh, do I have to tell you everything that happens the moment it happens? Also? He had nothing to tell me so, like, there ya go. Syd says that they'll keep looking and gives Vaughn this really sweet sympathetic look. He receives it graciously and then gets up to get ready for work. What follows is a very cute domestic bliss scene wherein Vaughn keeps looking for his stuff, which seems to be scattered all over the room, as Sydney keeps harping on him about his dad and handing him articles of clothing. Hee. It's totally what a boyfriend and girlfriend would do in the pre-moving-in-together stage. "Honey? Where's my shirt?" "I don't understand why you won't even TALK about this. Here it is." "Because I don't feel like it. Have you seen my shoes?" "If you don't get this out in the open, it'll just fester, fester, fester, rot, rot, rot until you explode. I saw one of them under the bed. I don't know where the other one is." "Why is my other shoe on top of the TV cabinet? How'd it get there?" "I'm serious, honey. You have to talk about this." "I'm serious too. How'd the damn thing wind up on top of the TV?" And so on.
In the Alias version of this scene, however, the subject isn't "Things Your Boyfriend Won't Talk To You About." Instead, it's "Let's Keep Searching For Info On Your Dead Dad, Even Though You're Discouraged And Think He's Really Dead." Vaughn's all, where's my jacket? Syd's all, just because "Nightingale" didn't show up in the archives doesn't mean it's a dead end. It's a setback. And here's your jacket. Also? There are people we can talk to. Vaughn's all, uh, no, not really. There's no one we can talk to. Have you seen my watch? Syd's all, we could bring this to the Apple Store; there may be people to help us there. Vaughn's all, there's my watch! And, no. We're not bringing this to the Apple Store. The last thing I want is Sloane knowing I was investigating my dad's death and using that against me.
"We don't know your father's dead," says Syd, neatly tossing her boyfriend his keys. "Yeah," sighs Vaughn. "At this point, I do." "After all the progress we've made," says Syd, "how can you just --" "Just what?" spits Vaughn, cutting her off. "What've I got? Some journals in his handwriting that shouldn't even exist? And a word? One word. Nightingale. What the hell does that even mean?" He goes on to mention Sonia Braga and how she was just some random woman who mentioned "nightingale" to him and how he'd be better off asking for the goose that lays the golden eggs. Heh. Syd's all, dude. That wasn't just some random woman. That was the woman who raised Nadia, yo. This shit's all interconnected. Good point, Sydney. "I want to get to the bottom of this as much as you do," says Syd. "We always thought my mother killed your father. But what if we were wrong? What if there was some other plan?" Vaughn just looks at her. Heh. What I love most about this whole scene is the everyday-ness of what they're doing mixed with the what-the-hell-ness of their conversation. It's hilarious. "Where're my keys?" "On the table. What if my mother didn't kill your father after all?" Hee. Hee hee hee.
Apple Store. Jack's looking for naked pictures of Lena Olin on his non-product-placed iBook when there's a knock at his door. It's Syd, and she wants to chat. Jack invites her in and Syd immediately asks if he'll let her use his level six clearance. Jack's all, uh, okay…why? Syd's all, oh, it's not for me! It's for my…friend. Yeah. My friend…Vaughnia. Vaughnia needs to…oh, never mind. It's for Vaughn. Nice way to spill it, Syd. Heh. She seriously pauses a millisecond before just telling her dad everything that Vaughn's been up to. Worst. Spy. Ever. Syd takes a seat and fills Jack in on the journal Vaughn found and how the entries ended in 1982 and how Irina was supposed to have killed Bill Vaughn in 1979. Jack shits all over the idea that the journal is authentic and Syd just brings up Nightingale, even though she has no idea what it means.
Jack kind of looks like someone stuck him in the ass with a hot poker because he kind of ticks his head to the right and is all, what's Nightingale? Syd's all, no idea, dude. But Vaughn followed a lead from the journal to Lisbon where he met up with Sonia Braga and she told him she knew all about his dad and he rescued Nadia and then he left, looking for Nightingale. Syd surmises that it could be a code name or an operation or whatever the hell, and she wants to find out what it is. Jack finally hits some keys on his computer and gives Syd level six access. She stands and thanks him, and he says that he appreciates her trusting him with this info. "It seems like we haven't really talked since --" "Mom died," says Syd curtly. Heh. Again, it's like real life, only with more…death. "Honey, it's been awhile since we talked, hasn't it?" "It sure has, Dad. I think the last time was right after I came back from missing two years of my life and right before you killed my mother. That about right?" "Indeed it is, punkin. How you been?" Hee.
Jack says that she should feel free to come to him any ol' time she sees fit and then he walks away from his desk so she can access the security files. Before he leaves, though, he turns at the door and throws her a kind of cute pursed-lip look that's basically like, "I love you, honey. Even if I did kill your mother. Or not, you know, as the case may be. But whatever. I love you. Now…you go get your top secret files and we'll have dinner later!" Syd sits down at the computer and does a search on Nightingale. We quickly switch to Vaughn and Dix, sparring in the Apple Store boxing ring. Vartan and Lumbly are totally digging this, y'all. Spiff whap bam! Heh. Syd enters, and Dix backs off so Vaughn knows not to hit him. She and Vaughn go off somewhere to discuss Nightingale in detail. Syd tells Vaughn what we all basically know: Nightingale is the brainchild of Elya and Elya is a very bad guy. He was recruited by the CIA into D.A.R.P.A., then disappeared twenty-five years ago after he was discovered to be running tests on human subjects. When he left, he took all the records of Project Nightingale with him, which is why Vaughn couldn't find anything on it.
Vaughn rightly surmises that if they find Elya, they'll find something on his dad. Syd turns a page in the file and shows us a picture of Robin. She says he's Hans Dietrich, a German money launderer, and he's funneled over a million Euros into an encrypted bank account labeled Nightingale. Dietrich's office is in Munich, above a beer hall he runs (what, no nightclub?) on the ground floor. Syd thinks that if they can get into his files, they'll be able to get a lead on Elya, and therefore Vaughn's dad. Vaughn looks at Syd lovingly and asks her how she got all this. "My dad," says Syd. Vaughn's all, THE WHAT IN THE WHO NOW? Did you tell him everything? Syd's all, well, DUH. Vaughn looks pissed.
Sloane's Office of West Elm Furniture. Jack enters. Sloane looks up. "How much do they know?" he asks. "Uncertain," says Jack. "Apparently, there were journals we couldn't account for." Uh-oh. So they both already know all about Bill Vaughn. Huh. "Hmm," grunts Sloane. "Well, we should shut them down." Dayum. "We could turn this to our advantage," says Jack, always trying to save his little girl from that jackass Sloane. "Let Sydney and Vaughn obtain intelligence for us." "I see," says Sloane, hooding his eyes and inking his irises. "And you have no problem with that?" "Of course I do," grits Jack. "But given our current obstacles, they might provide a lead we couldn't get on our own." What in the HELL are these two up to? Sloane agrees to let the kids run with their intel, as long as Jack makes sure to keep an eye on them. "But just so we're clear," sneers Sloane, "we cannot afford to be compromised, not even by your daughter." "It won't come to that," spits Jack, walking off. Sloane just looks after him with an expression of, oh, you are SO dead once I get whatever it is I'm after. Heh. Seriously, though, WHAT IS UP WITH THESE TWO? I'm dying to know this damn endgame.
Ovary Electric. Weiss is hanging out, reading US Weekly, when Vaughn walks through the room, carrying a bunch of luggage. He and Syd are apparently covering their Munich trip with a fake wine country excursion. There's a lot of "will you water the plants" and "just go and have fun" exchanges between Syd and Nadia, until, finally, the happy couple looks like they're ready to go. And that's when Weiss sadly tries to get himself invited to dinner with them. He's all, dudes! We could come up and meet you! And Vaughn and Syd are like, dude? We're going to busy being naked, so, no, you can't come. Even Nadia's like, dude? What is WRONG with you? I seriously can't believe I'm dating you. Syd? Vaughn? Go. I'll make sure to keep him on a leash. Promise. It's all funny and silly and stuff and I love Weiss, but let's get to the beerhaus already, shall we?
Munich. Ahhhh. Beer. We're in one of those traditional beerhauses that I can only hope actually exist in Germany. Everyone's drinking big steins of beer and "ya, ya"-ing each other. Vaughn and Syd are at a booth, pretending to enjoy their beer while really doing some recon on Dietrich. He's at the back of the place with a group of his bodyguards. Syd comments that this'll be fun, seeing as they have no toys from Marshall and cell phones instead of comms. Vaughn's all, yeah! It'll be loads of laughs! And all we have to do is get Dietrich alone and convince him to show us his Nightingale files. Piece o' cake. Just then, Syd catches a glimpse of Dietrich manhandling one of the waitresses. "I can get him alone," says Syd with confidence. Heh. Vaughn smirks at her. Heh heh.
Syd heads off to the waitress locker room or whatever and starts searching for one of the Heidi-esque costumes. Yeah, I know Heidi is set in Switzerland, okay? Don't write me emails all, "Those waitress uniforms weren't Swiss, they were German because blah blah blahzzzzzzz." They look like dirndls and lederhosen or whatever, and calling them Heidi-esque is more evocative of what they are than saying, "Fake German Barmaid Costumes," okay? Shhhh. Syd's about to kick some ass. She attempts to get into some lockers but is stopped by a pretty waitress in the doorway who wants to know if Syd needs some help. Syd quickly falls into German and tells the waitress that she's new here and needs a uniform. The waitress is all, are you Klaus's cousin? Syd's all, hell yeah! The waitress is all, WHAM! Heh. She slaps Syd and says she thinks there's something Syd has to say to her. Syd puts a hand to her mouth and looks at the girl like, YOU BET YER ASS THERE'S SOMETHING I'D LIKE TO SAY TO YOU.
We switch back to Vaughn, who's watching Dietrich. He calls Syd and tells her that Dietrich's just gotten the bill, so he's getting ready to leave. Syd better hurry up. Seeing as Syd's already knocked out the waitress, removed her blonde wig, and is now fully dressed in a waitress costume, I'd say Syd's doing her fair share of hurrying. Back with Dietrich, he signs the check and hands over the bill. That's when Syd makes her way through the place in her waitress outfit and plonks a big-ass stein full of beer down in front of Dietrich. Vaughn watches with admiration. Dietrich says they've already paid, so what's with the beer? Syd's all, yeah, that's from me. Wanna go fool around? Dietrich's all, HELL YEAH. They go off as Vaughn's cell phone rings. It's Weiss. He's all, dude. Whassup? Quick question. Vaughn's all, dude? REALLY BAD TIME. Weiss is all, where are you? A party? Can I come? Vaughn's all, GO PLAY WITH YOUR HOT GIRLFRIEND. I'll call you later. GOD. "Romantic getaway's going that good, huh?" asks Weiss. Not with you CALLING every five minutes, YOU GEEK. Vaughn just dryly says, "Braids, fishnets, it's pretty spectacular." Hee. "Somebody's getting lucky tonight," muses Weiss. Dude? You could be getting lucky too if you stopped calling your BOYFRIEND and started paying a little more attention to your GIRLFRIEND. Lord. Hottest chick in the world right there to him and all he wants to do is call his buddy. Dude's NEVER getting laid, I tell you.
Syd takes Dietrich into his office and quickly turns her seduction into an ass-kicking. At one point, she gets Dietrich into his chair and is holding him hostage with her shiny black shoes. Hee. She's all, where are your business files? He's all, aaarrrghrrrrhppppthththt. She's all, WHERE? He's all, on my computer. She's all, show me or I'll make you eat my shoe! He enters a code and gains access to the files. "Please don't hurt me," he gasps. WHAAAPPP! Syd downs him with a swift face kick. Heh. She dispatched him too quickly, however, because when she goes to check out the Nightingale file, it's encrypted. So, she decides to take the whole hard drive with her. Vaughn calls and tells her the bodyguards are getting antsy. They head her way and Vaughn intercepts, pretending to be Interpol. One of the guards gets past him, however, and gains access to the office. He's all, uh, what're you doing in here? Syd's all, I'm Klaus's cousin! He asked me to come back here. The guard's all, uh, that's funny, BECAUSE I'M KLAUS. Syd just kicks the shit out of him. Heh. It's hilarious because she has this innocent face on when she's pretending to be Klaus' cousin, but the second she realizes the jig is up, her face turns instantly to spy-chick and that's when she goes to town on Klaus. Hee hee hee.
Syd runs pell-mell out of the office and toward the beer hall. Vaughn's still messing around with the second-in-command dude. Syd then appears and…LAUNCHES HERSELF ACROSS THE BAR AND SLIDES ALL THE WAY ALONG IT. I'm sorry for the all caps but HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE. I am still laughing my ass off at this part. Wait. I have to watch it again. HEE HEE HEE. As Syd slides, Vaughn whaps the dude in the face and he falls directly into Syd's path. She swings around and delivers a flat-out roundhouse kick to his head. Hee. Then she slams a stein into the head of one of the other guards as Vaughn handles the last one. They catch their breath and then head to the door. "Auf Wiedersehen!" shouts Syd as they leave. And the whole bar erupts in "YAAAAAY!!!" Hee hee hee. Those happy drunken Germans. Nothing bothers them as long as they have their beer. Or is that me?
Hell-Lay. Syd and Vaughn are back at the Ovary Electric, apparently returned from their romantic getaway. Vaughn fiddles with some wires and a motherboard and tells Syd to try it. She says it works, but the drive is still encrypted, so it'll take awhile. Vaughn's phone rings and when he picks up, a voice says, "Say it's Weiss." Vaughn's all, huh? "Tell your girlfriend that it's Weiss, if you want to know about your father." Vaughn immediately turns to Syd and mouths, "Weiss." He turns away to continue the conversation. The guy on the other end of the line says that they got lucky in Munich, but Nightingale can't answer his questions about his father, only Mysterious Guy can. So, if Vaughn wants answers, he has to head to Sherwood Library. And he has to not tell Sydney about it. Tell her? And she's dead.
Vaughn gets off the phone and lies to Syd that Weiss wants to meet up for a burger. Syd immediately says he should go while she works on the hard drive. He leaves, obviously bothered that he has to lie to Sydney, the only person up until now that he's been able to trust.
Once at the library, Vaughn wanders the aisles until his cell phone rings. Mysterious Guy tells him to pick up a copy of Through the Looking Glass. Vaughn rolls his eyes at the request. The audience rolls their collective eyes at J.J. Abrams including yet another Alice in Wonderland reference. Enough already. That is so…Season One. Vaughn finds the book in the children's section, and inside is a syringe wrapped in a blue ribbon that reads, "INJECT ME." Heh. I would have preferred a cookie that said "EAT ME," but this will do. Vaughn's all, oh, for god's SACK, and he angrily tosses the syringe into the garbage and prepares to stalk off and ignore Mysterious Guy.
And that's when the cell phone rings again. Vaughn picks up and is all, dude? Seriously? What kind of IDIOT would inject himself? Mysterious Guy is all, dude. If I wanted you dead, I could kill you right now. You wanna know about your daddy? You have two minutes to stick yourself with the needle. Vaughn picks up the syringe and retreats to a corner of the room where, apparently, no librarians ever go. He has a two-minute internal drama about whether or not to stick himself and then, finally, goes ahead and does it. Vartan rocks this scene, by the way. Angst, turmoil, worry, fear, desperation, they're all there. We go to commercial before we can see just what the Wonderland serum does.
Hell-Lay. Jack's back in Sloane's office, updating him on the Munich trip. Sloane's all, what'd they find? Jack's all, uh, yeah. We don't really know that yet. Sloane's all, homie! I thought the idea was to let them open doors that we couldn't and then rein them in if they got too far! I don't really see much in the way of containment here, buddy. Jack just says that he can go to Sydney and convince her to bring the case to the Apple Store. Sloane ponders this, but ultimately deems Sydney too intuitive. "Considering your relationship," he says, "she'll see right through you, through us." Heh. He's totally right. "No she won't," says Jack. "I know exactly how to approach her." Damn. He can be one cold bastard.
We switch to Sydney, still working on the hard drive. Her phone rings. It's Jack. He wants to know if she'd join him for dinner. She hesitates, and he puts on this pseudo-casual voice and says, "Hey! I was just hoping you'd…you know, join me for dinner." Wow. Don't break a sweat or anything, Jack. Pretending to be nice and normal must be such a strain for you. Syd buys his act, though, and says she'll meet him in thirty minutes. Just then, the computer deciphers the hard drive and Syd discovers exactly what Nightingale is. Looks like it has something to do with molecular manipulation, but we'll find out more about that when Syd spills some more beans to her dad.
Right now, we have to check in with Vaughn. It would seem that the Wonderland serum has turned him to stone. He's just sitting there, practically drooling out of his unmoving mouth. He's also sweating slightly. He can only move his eyes. "Mr. Vaughn," says a voice from the doorway. Mysterious Guy steps forward, and it's Omar Little from The Wire. He's pretty. He welcomes Vaughn back from his nap and tells him not to worry; the paralysis is temporary. He coolly takes a seat to Vaughn, and Vaughn asks who he is. "I'm Omar Little from The Wire, dude! Can't you read?" Okay, no. He just cryptically says that he's a man who can tell Vaughn about his father. But first, he wants the transforming coil inside Nightingale. Vaughn's all, are you INSANE? Omar's all, uh, in case you've forgotten, I'm not the one who injected himself with an unknown substance, FREAKY DEAKY. Hee. Vaughn just clenches his jaw (because, really, what else can he do?) and Omar says, "So now that we've established your desperation, it's a matter of how far you're willing to go." "Why should I believe anything you say?" grits Vaughn. "Phillip Burke," says Omar. "Who's that?" asks Vaughn. "You look him up," says Omar. "And when you're done, you contact me." He drops a card on Vaughn's lap and tells him it's a one-time-only contact thing, so he'd better make it count. Omar leaves, and Vaughn starts to get feeling back in his limbs. Minutes later, he's limping out of the library, looking more desperate than ever.
Restaurant of Sketchy Father-Daughter Relationships. Syd enters, and Jack greets her warmly. Jack smiles and says he took the liberty of ordering a bottle of Pinot Noir. That's right, Jack. Because no one's drinking any fucking Merlot! Syd settles in for a nice beginner father-daughter chat, but neither of them is very good at it, so the conversation quickly turns to Vaughn and his troubles. Jack deftly manipulates the entire situation, and Syd winds up telling Jack exactly what he wants to hear: that Nightingale is an active project and the experiments are altering human DNA and there was a list of over a dozen human test subjects, all of whom died. Syd says there is a mention of the genetic markers "AD9" but she doesn't know what it all means. Jack looks disturbed. I mean, more disturbed than usual. Jack says that she has to bring this to the Apple Store. Syd says she has to talk to Vaughn. Jack plays the trust card; he gave her level six clearance because he trusted her, and now he's asking her to trust him. Bring this in to the Apple Store. Syd considers this. Jack continues blabbering at her about how the longer they keep this search secret, the worse it'll look for both of them. "The only way to proceed is honestly, above board," he says without a trace of irony. "Promise me you'll tell Vaughn that." "I promise," says Syd, without a clue of how evil her father could possibly be.
Apple Store. "She told you this?" asks Sloane incredulously. "Yes," says Jack calmly. "Hmmm," sneers Sloane. "For twenty years, [Elya's] been off the grid. Now we find him through Sydney, of all people. Well, I have to hand it to you, Jack. I never thought that you would be capable of exploiting your own daughter. I certainly couldn't do that." Um, pot? Kettle. Sloane ignores the daggers coming out of Jack's eyes and says that he can have a strike team down in Siberia in seventy-two hours. Jack's all, dude? That's the dumbest damn thing I've ever heard. Sloane's all, oh yeah? Well, Elya's our closest connection to Yelena Derevko, so we need to act quickly. Jack's all, Sydney can't know I betrayed her confidence, you sneaky little cesspit of evil. We wait for her to bring this in. Sloane chews on this for a minute and then just says, "And if she doesn't?" Jack clenches his jaw so hard it looks like it'll shatter. "She will," he terses. "I asked her to. When she does, we'll draw up an ops plan that will require me to go along on the mission. Once there, I'll interrogate [Elya] without Sydney or Vaughn knowing." "If our assumption is correct," says Sloane, "and [Elya] is communicating with Yelena, once you've completed the interrogation, he needs to be eliminated." Jack thinks this is a wee bit extreme, but Sloane is concerned that Elya could alert Yelena to their agenda. Which…speaking of your agenda, WHAT IS IT? "Or even worse," continues Sloane, "he could talk to Sydney, which would be a disaster. Unless, of course, you want to destroy everything we've worked for." Jack sucks on the inner part of his cheek until he draws blood and just looks at Sloane with an expression of, oh, you are SO dead once I get whatever it is I'm after. Hee. I love these two. They're so bad-ass for two dudes over forty-five.
In other news, The Amityville Horror is going to be complete and utter ass, and not just because of Melissa George. Hell, even my boyfriend Ryan Reynolds can't save that B-list piece of shit. Trust me on this. And shut up, Melissa. I mean it.
Apple Store. Vaughn's at his desk, plugging "Phillip Burke" into the CIA database. He comes up with the fact that Phillip Burke was killed in Laos on October 21, 1979, the exact same date his father was supposedly killed. He takes this intel immediately to Sydney. Burke's records and Vaughn's father's are identical. The autopsy reports show that Burke was killed with a Makarov pistol, the same make that Irina used to kill Vaughn's father. And the dental records? Identical. So, the question is, what if Irina killed Burke instead of Bill Vaughn? Syd's all, but how would the CIA -- how would anyone -- Vaughn's all, maybe the CIA didn't know. Maybe someone wanted the world to know that Bill Vaughn died and they replaced him with Phillip Burke. Syd thinks about this for a minute and then asks the question that Vaughn totally doesn't want to answer: Where did you get this information?
Vaughn fesses up that the phone call from before wasn't Weiss, it was some guy named "Roberts," which…I don't remember hearing his name, actually. Wonder if a name-dropping scene accidentally got cut or something. It doesn't matter, really, because Syd's so pissed off at Vaughn for not telling her about this that I kind of forget about Roberts. She's all, THAT WAS DUMB, DUDE. He's all, YEAH, BUT IT WORKED. She's all, YOU'RE CRAZY. He's all, yeah? TELL ME SOMETHING I DON'T KNOW. Also? I made a deal with the guy to bring him the Nightingale transformer coil or something. Syd's all, we don't even know what Nightingale is and you wanna just start handing the damn thing over already? DID YOU HAVE A PLATE OF CRYSTAL METH FOR LUNCH OR SOMETHING? Vaughn's all, dude. We're gonna shut the operation down! They won't be able to get nuclear power for this thing! We do missions like this all the time! Syd's all, not rogue, honey. We never do them rogue. Oh, like going to see Arvin Sloane and letting yourself become an enemy of the state? No. We would never do that, Sydney.
Syd pipes up that Jack wants them to bring this into the Apple Store. Vaughn's like, DUDE? You talked to your dad AGAIN? What the? Syd just defiantly looks at him. He snaps back that Jack and Sloane would never let them keep Nightingale for himself, and besides, he doesn't trust them. He doesn't trust anyone except Sydney, except for when she goes and tattles to Daddy about every little thing Vaughn's doing. Heh. Syd's all, well, how do propose to handle the situation? Vaughn's all, easy. We come clean with the Apple Store, just like your dad wants us to, and then we drop a mission that'll get us Nightingale, and then we run a countermission. "Just like in the old days," says Syd. Their stated goal will be to get the coil, but instead, they'll keep it for themselves. The only problem is, they won't have time to make a duplicate to hand over to the Apple Store, so they'll have to have a Plan B.
We head over to the Apple Store, where everyone's planning their fake Nightingale mission and their true countermissions. It's hilarious, actually, because all four of them, Jack, Sloane, Vaughn, and Syd, are transparently working together, and now that we all know what their real goals are, it makes this entire scene really funny. Syd outlines her fake plan, which seems to involve Sydney going after the coil and Vaughn taking out security. Vaughn pipes up that each door in the facility operates by key-code lock, but Elya can handle all of the security from a central location, so that's where Vaughn will head, enabling Syd to get into the room where the coil's held. Jack asks what configuration the reactor is running and Vaughn answers that it's RBMK. Jack makes up some shit about how this means that they'll need two people to get the coil, one to ensure the reactor stays in standby mode while the other enters the chamber to retrieve the coil. Heh. Nice one, Jack.
Marshall shows up long enough to agree with Jack, and Sloane responds that Vaughn and Syd are missing one man to handle the security. Fortunately, there's a willing and able volunteer directly to his right. Vaughn and Syd look none-too-pleased about this change of plans. Syd volunteers Dixon for the third man, which, yeah, way to arouse suspicions, Sydney. Sloane's all, actually, Jack's experience will serve you well here. Unless, of course, there's something about this mission you haven't shared with us. Hm? No? What's that? Nothing? Okay, then. Let's get on with the fake mission!
Siberia. The nuclear power plant is up and running. Vaughn, Syd, and Jack gain access through an entry out in the middle of a field. Syd communicates with Marshall and tells him they're in. Sloane's standing over his shoulder, probably making him a bit nervous. The Terrible Trio runs through some tunnels, darting any guards who get in their way. They split up at one point as Jack heads to security and Syd and Vaughn head off in search of the coil.
Upstairs in the main facility, Jack stalks through the place and casually shoots some guard up above without even stopping. As he passes by the camera, the guy falls to the ground. HEE. Brilliant. Elsewhere, Syd and Vaughn run toward their goal. At the same time, Jack enters the central security facility, takes out a guard, and points his tranq gun at Elya, who's standing up, sputtering, "What are you doing?" "The more you cooperate," says Jack, calmly moving toward him, "the less pain you'll endure." Elya takes off his bifocals and gives Jack a careful once-over. Yeah. He knows him. Jack orders Elya to sit the hell down. He does. Jack shuts down security and informs everyone that he's doing so. Sloane asks Jack if he's with Elya now. Well, if he isn't, he's yelling at NO ONE, dude.
Jack tells Vaughn and Syd that he's unlocking the control room door. They enter and take out all the scientists within. Vaughn tells Marshall that they're at the control panels. Marshall asks if the reactor's online. Nope. Syd says she can see the transformer inside now. Marshall, following some blueprints, tells them to open up the containment shield; the coil is inside. Vaughn presses some buttons and the shield disappears, revealing the coil. Marshall tells him to release the lock to the chamber. Vaughn does so. Syd heads into the chamber and dismantles the pressure shield.
Back with Jack and Elya. Jack tells Elya that he needs information and he needs it now. Elya plays dumb. Jack hits him. "I know about Nightingale," says Jack. Well, duh. Jack. We all know about Nightingale NOW. Else why would y'all be there? Huh? Elya's all, dude? If you know about Nightingale, then what the hell else can I tell you? Jack's all, how about the location of Yelena Derevko? Elya's all, what the? I don't know. Jack hits him again. Heh. Back with Syd, she's ready to remove the coil. Back again with Jack, he asks Elya again, some more, where Yelena is. Elya says again that he doesn't know. Jack spits out that Elya's been in contact with her, that he couldn't have set all this up without her help. Elya just says that this was years ago and he hasn't talked to her since. "I don't have time for this," snits Jack, shooting Elya in the left leg. Hee. Sorry. I just love it when Jack has no morals and starts shooting everything in sight. It slays me.
Speaking of slaying, a guard makes his way into the test chamber area and starts shooting up the place. Vaughn ducks to get out of the way and all the bullets firing into the control panel make the door to the chamber close. Syd's trapped. Vaughn finally takes out the guard, but it's too late; one of the wayward bullets has triggered the reactor. Syd now has sixty seconds until her face starts to melt. The controls to the door and the reactor are fried, so Syd has no way out. Back with Jack, he's still grilling Elya about Yelena, but Elya's not spilling the beans. That's when Jack hears Vaughn's panicked message about the reactor coming online. Marshall tells Vaughn to bypass something or other, and Vaughn runs off to do it as Sydney's room starts to get uncomfortably DNA-altering…
Marshall guides Vaughn through the bypass procedure. A whole lot of techno mumbo-jumbo ensues. Vaughn does something with wires in order to open the door, but it's still locked. Vaughn tells Marshall he can't bypass the door and that Sydney's in the room with the now-active reactor. Jack hears this and starts looking worried. "Is there another way to shut down the core?" Vaughn asks. "Only if you remove the fuel rods," responds Marshall. Jack looks briefly at Elya and just…shoots him. Just like that. Shoots him dead. "I'm headed toward the core," says Jack, running off. Marshall's all, dude! No! Not that! Exposure to that amount of radiation could kill you! Jack doesn't care. He's running.
Back with Vaughn, he tries to shoot the glass out. Doesn't work. Jack's running. He gets to the core and tries the key-code door. Marshall sees what he's doing, and orders him to stop and not try to get into the reactor area. Meanwhile, Syd's like, uh, gettin' a little warm in here. Vaughn's all, hang on! We're working on it! Syd's all, uh, work a little FASTER, please. My DNA's starting to itch! Back at the reactor, Jack clenches his jaw and moves to the key-code lock. He rips it off and goes to work on it's innards. Hee. Every time I see Jack having to work with something, I just think about the comments everyone's made on the DVD commentary about how Victor Garber hates props. Poor Victor. This episode must have been a royal pain in the arse for you.
Back with Syd, Nightingale's starting to come to life. It's flashing, which is NOT a good thing. Marshall somehow manages to get the countdown to slow down, at least, but it's not really the miracle they're all looking for. Jack continues to work his magic on the key-code lock. Syd continues to fry. Vaughn continues to worry. "Work some magic, work some magic, work some magic," chants Marshall, obviously jumping into my head and hearing my inner thoughts. Finally, Jack gets the key-code lock to work and Nightingale immediately shuts down. Vaughn asks what happened, and Marshall reads a message that informs him that there was a total system meltdown due to core corruption. So, by messing with the door to the reactor, Jack managed to corrupt the core. Oh, and also drown himself in radiation. So, you know, that can't be good.
But Marshall thinks that HE'S responsible for this miracle save and he hilariously turns and hugs Sloane. HEE HEE HEEEEEEE. Sloane's all, OH MY GOD GET OFF ME DON'T TOUCH ME JUST SAVE SYDNEY, WOULD YOU? You know Weisman and Rifkin were cracking up during this scene. You just know it. Marshall frees Sydney, and she and Vaughn meet up somewhere else. She has the coil. Vaughn asks if she's okay. She is. She hands him Nightingale. "Plan B," she whispers. "I hate this," he whispers back. "Vaughn," she grits. "Are you sure?" He kind of sighs, then moves in and kisses her strongly. Aw. He pulls back. "I love you." Aw. "Yeah?" she asks with a smile. "Still?" Hee. He nods as if to say, "Yeah, I still love ya." Aw. And then he hauls back and cracks her one across the face. Heh. She gets up, only slightly bloody. "Remember what you promised?" she gasps. "I'll let you know when I get there," he says. "Okay," she responds, watching him run off.
Syd then makes her way toward her dad, who's running toward her in a panic. They embrace. Aw. "I couldn't stop him," she says, gingerly touching her mouth. "It was Vaughn. He took the coil. I couldn't stop him, Dad." She hugs her father again and Jack looks like, oh, man. You mean I took on all that damn radiation and my dumbass daughter let the coil get away? I shoulda let her fry in there. Or maybe that's just my own inner voice talking…
Sloane's Office of West Elm Furniture. Sloane's perplexed. He's all, uh, I don't get it. Vaughn hit Sydney and ran off with the coil? Last time I checked, that girl couldn't get dropped by a six-foot-three, three-hundred pound mutant ninja turtle, dude. I have a very hard time believing she just went down with a single punch. Jack surmises that Vaughn wouldn't go against the CIA without reason and that someone must be feeding him information. "A third party we're not aware of," he says. "Well, obviously, this complicates our situation," says Sloane. "Yes, I imagine this must be quite upsetting for you, Arvin," spits Jack. "My not anticipating that Sydney and Vaughn's deceit could be greater than your own." Oh, burn. "Have you thought about how we're going to deal with this?" asks Sloane. Jack doesn't answer, but he does go a bit green around the gills. Sloane notices and says, "Jack?" "Hmm?" responds Jack distractedly. "Are you allright?" asks Sloane. "Fine," grits Jack. "Just tired. I'll work up some options on retrieving Vaughn and the coil." He gets up and leaves, with Sloane looking seriously hooded about this entire encounter.
Ovary Electric. Syd's sitting at her kitchen table, eating the hell out of a turkey sandwich. Heh. I like to see a girl who EATS, you know? Her cell phone rings and she goes to pick it up. It's a text message from Vaughn. "I'm okay. Wish me luck…" Aw. This happy little moment is interrupted by a return to the Apple Store, where Jack is mildly limping his way through the office, being trailed by Marshall. Marshall yammers something about the core reactor and saving the day and Jack is all, THIS IS SERIOUSLY NOT THE TIME, DOOFUS. Marshall's not giving up though, so he keeps blabbling about the core being shut down and how he doesn't understand and Jack is like, MARSHALL WHAT THE HELL IS IT. Marshall finally states that he, Marshall, didn't shut down the reactor at all. No. Jack, it should be noted, is walking toward the camera with his right hand stapled to his right thigh. Something so isn't right with him.
Marshall quickly comes to this conclusion as well, as he tells Jack that there's no way he could have shut down the reactor. Jack's all, no! Surely not! No! Marshall blaggles about how it was physically impossible for him to shut it down from a remote location and that it would have to be shut down manually…and hey. What's wrong with your arm? Seriously. Marshall's so dense. "I mean…you," says Marshall, finally getting the effin' clue. "The only way it could happen is if you went into the reactor yourself." And the expression on Victor Garber's face is heartbreaking. God, he's good. It clearly communicates, "Yes. It was me. And there was nothing I could do about it. And I might die because of it. AND YOU WILL TELL NO ONE." "It was my daughter's life," hisses Jack, getting into the elevator. He looks at Marshall, his eyes pleading. "Between us," he grits. The doors slam shut over Jack's secret pain.
Oh, holy god. Don't kill my Spy Daddy. DO NOT. STEP AWAY FROM THE SPY DADDY.
on Alias: Vaughn's gone rogue. And Isabella's back, baby! She's back!