Previously on Alias: Jack and Sloane were in cahoots to take down some dudes who were reforming the Alliance, Nadia had a pissy birthday, and Syd and Dix teamed up to find out whether or not Sloane was the bad guy we all really think he is. Pretty much, a lot of shit happened and I have a feeling it was in preparation for this episode, in which…nothing happens. At all.
In order to get through this recap, I must have at my disposal:
- Caffeine.
- A stick with which to beat myself about the head when I start yelling, "GET ON WITH IT ALREADY" for the hundredth time.
- Bottled water. Preferably from the hills of Switzerland.
- Actually, I'd just rather be in the hills of Switzerland drinking the water THERE instead of here, at my desk, recapping this episode.
- Did I mention the caffeine?
- A carton of crack and a turkey baster full of heroin because, man. MAN.
- Clive Owen.
Let's get on with this.
Paris. The door to a restaurant opens, and Emilia Streisand, Barbra's French cousin, enters. No, it's Syd. And she's…well, I don't mean to be indelicate here, but…she's sporting a fake nose of gargantuan proportions. I'm not really sure why she's wearing a large fake nose, unless she's supposed to be disguised as someone else and that someone is only identifiable by a nose that would make Dustin Hoffman go, "Dayum! That's a large nose!" I honestly don't think the nose is in place to help Syd better resemble a French person because, um, do French people have huge noses? Where was I when this discovery came into play? Vartan doesn't have a big nose. Olivier Martinez doesn't have a big nose. (And can we have a moment of silence for Olivier Martinez? Siiiiigh. Yum. Siiiigh.) I don't…I just don't get it. And we never really do find out why Syd has a Buick parked on her face ["um…Depardieu" -- Sars], so I guess it's not important, but I'm warning you: The Nose pulls focus.
So, The Nose (or "Le Nez" en Français) saunters past the bar and we see Vaughn sitting there, enjoying a nice martini. He watches as The Nose sits at a table and orders a martini with four olives, and then he tells Dix that The Nose is in place and there's no sign yet of some guy named Connelly. The martini with four olives arrives and The Nose removes the speared olives and tosses them to the table, thereby making her "announcement" to Connelly. Seconds later, he arrives, and it's Cliff De Young, and that name might not ring a bell with some of you younger viewers, but in my age group, he will forever be known as Susan Sarandon's skeezy boyfriend in The Hunger.
Cliff and Syd exchange some words in French, and they mercifully spare us more of their atrocious language skills and start talking to each other in English. I have no idea, really, the specifics of what they discuss because The Nose keeps distracting me. It's so large that I'm fairly certain it can be seen from space. Aliens the universe over are just hanging out on their levitating balconies, looking in their space-scopes and going, "Beeeezeldeet! Kroog ma feetoh!" (Translation: "Holy shit! Look at the size of that schnozz!") I'm surprised Syd doesn't drink her martini with it, it's that enormous. Suffice it to say, Cliff has something to sell and The Nose is supposed to buy it. As they're discussing the down payment or whatever, some random dude enters the restaurant and piques Vaughn's interest. He gets a shot of the guy with his cell phone, and Dix sends it through the system in search of a match.
While he's looking, Cliff asks The Nose what it plans to do with its new purchase. The Nose isn't really interested in answering Cliff's question because it's far too busy drinking out of a glass of red wine even though, just one second ago, it was snorting up a nice icy martini. Way to go, continuity. Of course, considering that this entire scene was actually shot for "Authorized Personnel Only," I wouldn't be surprised to see random shots of Nadia dancing the tango or Weiss stumbling through on his way to the bathroom or a wildebeest wearing a Marilyn Monroe wig and trailing a string of tin cans with "JUST MARRIED" spray-painted on its left flank. It's a mess, is all I'm saying.
So, yeah, whatever, Cliff shows Syd some chip he has and says that it's his "way out." Dix, meanwhile, isn't finding anything on the Random Dude at the back of the restaurant. Cliff tells Syd that, with this sale, he can buy a whole new life. Oh, well, he could have bought a whole new life if Random Dude hadn't up and shot him in the head. Random Dude shoots at Vaughn and Syd, grabs the chip, and then runs off into the kitchen. Vaughn gets him in the shoulder and he goes down. Vaughn and Syd run into the kitchen with their guns pointed. Random Dude just blabbles something about how "he" won't get him or his family and how he's not gonna be made an example of and then he grabs a butcher knife and Syd, instead of shooting his hand or something, just gasps, "Put down the knife." Yeah. Because guns aren't USEFUL in situations like this, SYDNEY. Random Dude slices his own throat, and Syd and her horrifically large proboscis look disgusted. Or disgusting. One or the other.
Apple Store. Syd's meeting up with the Spy Daddies. They fill her in on the chip they recovered in Paris. It contains info about some -gen sniper weapon being made in a facility in Austria. Apparently, it can target in on someone using their DNA information or a biometric scan (I missed that "biometric scan" shit the first time I watched this episode, and I imagine that it'll come in handy later on when the Toy Copter of Chaos shows up -- but I'm getting ahead of myself…). Sloane wants Syd to head to Salzburg and retrieve the thing. Syd wants to know about the guy who sliced his throat. Sloane says that he was sent to intercept the sale and that he killed himself to protect his family from his employer. I know. It makes no sense. Get used to it. Because this episode is all about the no-sense-making.
Random Dead Dude's boss is (was) Sasha Korjev. Jack gets this look on his face like, "Oh, shit. That guy?" Syd doesn't know the name, so Jack fills her in. Sasha's a really, really bad dude. He runs arms to Angola, Rwanda, and Sierra Leone and keeps a very tight rein on his men. Among his tactics is leveraging the lives of their families. So, you know, do the job right or your family dies. I'd go more with profit sharing and a nice 401K plan, but hey, I'm not a murderous monster. Syd surmises that it's Sasha who's developing the DNA weapon. Sloane confirms this, and says that Dix is being tasked with locating Sasha and then reporting his whereabouts to the CIA proper. Jack steps in and says, "I have a liaison with the Angolan chancery in D.C. Put Dixon on something else." Sloane just…looks at him. "You want to take this on?" "For the sake of expediency," clips Jack. Heh. Syd's all, uh, what's going on here? Jack just shoots her a look. Sloane's all, all righty then. It's yours, Jackie. Jack just tersely nods. Sloane looks at Syd and says, "Good luck in Salzburg," thereby dismissing her. Hee hee hee. The Spy Daddies are totally up to no good. Love that.
Elsewhere at the Apple Store, Vaughn and his platonic love interest Weiss are having a heart-to-heart about Vaughn's own spy daddy. Weiss thinks Vaughn should take his findings of last week to the team. Vaughn thinks this whole thing is crazy. Weiss thinks the Sox winning the series is crazy. So does Sars. "What if my father's still alive?" wonders Vaughn. "What if it's his way to contact me?" Weiss finally realizes that Vaughn has a point, but then he wonders aloud, why now? Why make Vaughn and his mom believe that Daddy Vaughn has been dead for twenty-five years and suddenly bring up the point that he might be alive? That's what Vaughn wants to find out. He starts to go, and Weiss stops him, handing him a slip of paper with the name "Frank Murdoch" written on it, along with an address. Vaughn's all, who's this? Weiss is all, that code name you asked me to check out in the journal. Dude's ex-Special Forces and has changed his name several times. Finally settled on "Frank Murdoch" and currently runs a furniture repair shop outside of San Diego. "You didn't tell anyone else about this, did you?" asks Vaughn. "Dude," responds Weiss. Heh. "Nadia?" asks Vaughn. "Hey!" says Weiss with the expression of a kicked dog. Hee. He lurves Vaughn the mostest. Vaughn thanks him and walks off.
Jack's Office of Perennial Pursing. Jack's at his desk, using his non-Apple iBook to search for pictures of Clive Owen naked. Or maybe that's just me. Sloane enters, plops down in the seat opposite Jack, and says, "The Angolan chancery in D.C.? Hmmm." Hee! He makes this hilarious frog face when he says it too. "Don't you think that's a bit thin, Jack?" HEE. I love them. LOVE. Jack is all, dude? You shoulda brought this to me first. I hate that Sasha guy. You know that. Oh, and I think I'll take a sip of coffee here. Jack rarely drinks anything on camera, so you have to wonder if that's significant. Or if maybe that's a TWoP mug in his hand or something and the logo's just turned away. Sloane says that as far as anyone else is concerned, the Sasha mission's only goal is to tag the guy's location. Jack is all, dude, the CIA wants that guy dead. Sloane's all, yeah, I know, and you're taking this shit too personally, so I thought it best to send Dixon in. Jack is all, yeah? Well, good luck to Dixon trying to cut Sasha's throat from eighteen miles away, huh? How 'bout I go in there and get right up to the bitch? "I'll be able to get close to Korjev," says Jack. "Oh, I'm aware of that," snits Sloane with this hilarious head jerk to the right that is just one snap away from being two snaps and a circle. "And, frankly, that concerns me." "I'll be fine," says Jack. "Korjev should have been eliminated years ago, when I had the chance." Uh oh. Just who the hell is this Korjev dude anyway? In case you're wondering, we never really find out.
Madagascar. We're at a random hut somewhere. A truly creepy dude stands behind the bar as Jack enters wearing something other than his trademark dark suit. Creepy Dude is all, hey! Whassup! You look great! Do you happen to have any snuff films involving goats and dominatrices? Jack is all, funny you should ask! I do happen to have a little something here in my bag. No goats, sadly, but I do have a llama and two guys dressed up as satyrs. Will that do? Creepy Dude is all, BRING IT. Jack pulls out his mini-media player and shares a scene from Silence of the Sexy Llamas with his old skeevy pal. I wish I could describe the sounds that are emitting from the player, but even the closed captioning is like, "Dude. I'm not touching that shit with a ten-foot pole covered in antibiotic ointment, yo." All I can make out is a woman screaming, what sounds like a donkey or, yes, a llama, possibly a baby crying, perhaps a…buzz saw? Whatever it is, whatever is supposedly going on in the movie, we're supposed to assume it's sick and wrong and not of the Lord.
Creepy Dude wants it and he wants it bad. He'll give Jack whatever he wants to get it so that he can turn it into his screensaver or something. Guh. Jack wants the protocol for contacting Sasha. Creepy Dude's all, NO! NOT THAT! Jack's all, okay, no protocol, no porn. He starts to take away the movie and Creepy Dude twitches and hems and haws and finally gives up the protocol. The guy playing Creepy Dude is awesome, by the way. He's greasy-with-a-z. He's greeeeezy. For some reason, this is the spot where the powers that be decide to stick in the opening credits. Yeah. I don't think this bodes well for the remainder of the episode.
And now is the time on Alias when we go to the kitchen to get more heroin.
Oh, god. Oh, no. There's…why is there a movie of Marshall's son showing on my TV? And it has…there's that music from 2001: A Space Odyssey playing and…I can't watch this. Can I fast-forward through this? Do you mind? Oh, it's over. But…now Syd and Marshall are discussing how edible little Mitchell's legs are and how Marshall's taken many a chomp and TALKING ABOUT EATING BABIES IS NEVER OKAY. Unless you're Eddie Izzard and then it's hilarious.
Moving on to the Salzburg trip, Marshall says that according to the memory chip from Cliff, Sasha's storing the targeting system or whatever in the basement of a disco that he owns. "Which officially begs the question: what is it with these guys and nightclubs?" says Marshall, clearly speaking for everyone in the audience. Heh. We switch quickly to Sasha's club in Salzburg. It's less of a disco and more of a ski chalet. Syd's looking around as if she's lost. We switch back to Marshall, who's explaining that the security system of the place is based on access cards and she'll need to steal one from a nightclub staff member. Back in Salzburg, Syd searches the place for a viable target. Finally, she sees a cute guy across the way who's speaking to someone in German. Several posters pointed out that this guy is Jason Segel and he was on Freaks and Geeks, but I regretfully only saw one damn episode of that show before it was yanked, so I had no idea who he was. However, seeing as I found his entire storyline more than annoying, it's probably best that I didn't know who he was. ["He also played Eric on Undeclared, which…man. Briiiiiilliant. Is that out on DVD yet? And if not, why not?" -- Sars]
At any rate, Jason's playing "Sam Houser" in this episode, and he's very cute, and he's Syd's target du jour. She approaches him, speaks horrible German, he reveals himself to be American, and they meet cute. Syd rightly guesses that Sam's from upstate New York, which…huh? How'd she do that unless she had intel? Syd pretends to be from Buffalo and carries on her cute-fish-out-of-water routine until she manages to nab Sam's access card. Sam gets called away and yeah, he's seriously sweet. Back with Marshall, he hands Syd a pack of smokes that is actually a mag strip encoder that will do something funky to the access card and give Syd full clearance to the building. Yeah. It's that scientific. It does something funky, okay? That's all you need to know.
Back with Syd in Salzburg, she does her thing with the encoder. Sam walks up and offers her a light, but Syd covers and pretends to be looking for lip stuff. Then Sam awkwardly asks her out. Aw. Syd shoots him down with a quick "I have a boyfriend," which, you know, she does, but, like, he's off looking for his non-dead father so, like, can't she just make out with Sam a little? Yeah. I might need a date. Sam is totally crushed and it's really sad and Syd escapes from his cocoon of desperation by asking where the bathroom is.
Of course, she's going nowhere near the bathroom; she's heading down to the secure area. She gets on the horn with Marshall and enters the area where the weapon stuff is. An alarm signal goes off in the security guard area, and a swarthy guy orders some dude to go see what's up, and then he orders the remaining dude to look up who gained access to the downstairs area. Syd makes it into the weapon room or whatever and finds some orange paper in a folder and it's been embedded, so she goes over to a copier and runs the thing with the lid open so she can read the embedded file. The targeting device has been moved and it's due to leave the country at six in the morning. Also? It's field ready. It's already weaponized.
Just then, the door to the room opens. Syd flies into action and gets the guard into a head lock with a knife to his throat. As she's trying to get info out of the guard, the Swarthy Dude from before finally hones in on the name "Sam Houser" as the person who accessed the lower level. Syd hears the order to detain Sam as she's still threatening the guard. She draws blood on the guard's neck and he finally gives up the name of the shipping yard as Delongpre. She kicks the shit out of him and gets the hell out of there as a group of guards go after Sam. Marshall looks up Sam's name and finds that he's just a guy, not a spy, not a bad guy, just a guy.
Upstairs, Syd and the guards are all looking for Sam. Syd gets to him first, imploring him to leave with her. He's all, what about the boyfriend? She's all, he has too many forehead wrinkles. Now you? You I like. Sam hedges, saying he doesn't get off for another hour, so Syd takes matters into her own hands and plants a huge kiss on his lips. Heh. She pulls back. "If you don't leave with me RIGHT NOW, you will regret it," she says. Sam's all, uh, yeah, now that you mention it, we could totally leave by the back door, right? Syd's all, now yer talkin'! They run off before the guards see them.
As Syd and Sam run from the bar, Syd contacts the Apple Store. Nadia tells her that the shipping yard is thirty miles outside of Salzburg. Syd responds that she has an in-country contact, and Sloane orders her to get the contact to supply her for the mission. Sam doesn't seem to be hearing any of this. Nor does he notice that Syd is TALKING INTO HER WRIST. Sloane wants Syd to secure the weapon before it leaves the port. Sam wants Syd to go with him to a wine bar. Syd wants Sam to realize that she's TALKING INTO HER WRIST. Sam's all, wow! Small phone! Like, dude? She keeps pressing on her ear and talking into her SLEEVE about weapons and ports and in-country contacts! I know you're hard up but PLEASE. Try to pay attention here!
Syd fills in the home team on the Sam situation. Sloane recommends that Syd drop her human luggage with her contact and the CIA will have him shipped home. Syd turns to Sam and says that there's something she has to tell him. He's all, you're having second thoughts, aren't you? Syd's all, seriously, no. Sam's all, dammit! Why do I always get the girls with boyfriends? "Forget about the boyfriend," Syd says in this hysterically dry tone. Hee. Sam's all, okay, well, even though you have a boyfriend, can we just go to my place and talk? I mean, it's messy, but I'd just like to talk to someone who doesn't speak German. Syd's all, YOU MUST FOCUS. "You can never go back to your place," she says. Sam's like, whuh? Syd then launches into this mildly funny explanation of their current situation and it involves the repeated use of the word "bad" and it's like she's trying to explain to a cocker spaniel that the woods are a no-no and he can never go in there because it's a bad bad BAD place, do you hear her, BAD. Sam's all, wait, what? Syd's all, I stole your card. Sam's all, wait, WHAT? Syd's all, they think you're working with me, dude. Sam's all, NO, SERIOUSLY, WHAT?
"Who the hell are you?" he finally asks. "I need you to trust me right now," says Syd. "Oh, is that what you need?" says Sam. "That's…real nice for you. I gotta get back to work, so, later!" Or something like that. Syd's all, dude? If you go back there, they will kill you. Sam's all, you're serious, aren't you? Syd's all, stick with me, kid, I'll protect you. "We have ways of dealing with these situations." Sam's all, what's with the WE shit? Syd's all, can't tell you that. Sam's all, dude? TELL ME SOMETHING REAL. Syd's all, dude. Can you just get with the program so we can get ON WITH THE SHOW ALREADY? Sam's all, how do I know you're not a bad guy. "If I was one of the bad guys," says Syd, borrowing from every Bruce Willis movie, like, ever, "you'd already be dead."
San Diego. Furniture Shop of Fake Fathers and the Men Who Hate Them. A dude in a wheelchair is inspecting a table leg or something. Vaughn walks in and asks where Frank Murdoch is. Frank Murdoch, who's the dude in the wheelchair, pretends he doesn't know. Yeah, whatever, I'll just cut to the chase and shorten this scene by about ten minutes. It's him. Murdoch. Vaughn starts to leave and Murdoch finally is all, dude? You really Bill Vaughn's kid? Vaughn's all, so they tell me. Murdoch takes him into the back office or something and shows him pictures of the old days, when Murdoch and Vaughn were in the Special Forces. I'm freeze-framed on the picture and I have no idea who's really in the photo, but they did manage to get the guy in the center to look a little like Vaughn, so it's a nice job. Way to go, props!
Vaughn asks Murdoch if he thinks Daddy Vaughn is still alive. Murdoch's all, uh, hope not, dude. He relates the super-fun story of the time when their team was tasked with leading a group of locals to secure a British position in the Falklands. Their men were ambushed. Apparently, Bill Vaughn didn't even flinch. Murdoch dove forward to defend their men and suddenly, his legs went numb. Bill had shot him in the back. "I don't remember hitting the ground, but I remember lying there looking up at him completely paralyzed and he just stared down at me, lit a cigarette, and walked away," says Murdoch. Nice. Vaughn is having difficulty believing that his dad was anything other than a saint. "Yeah, well, if he's still alive," says Murdoch, "I'll give you one piece of advice. Don't turn your back on him."
So, lemme get this straight: Vaughn's dad could be alive, he's evil, and he smokes cigarettes? I have to agree with some of the posters on this one. Bill Vaughn is the Cigarette-Smoking Man.
Salzburg. Syd makes a phone call at a pay phone as Sam stands there like a confused oak tree. He asks who she's calling and she just looks at him and he's all, oh, sorry! Didn't mean to look at you while you were doing spy stuff! My bad! Bitch. Syd's phone call is all encrypted and spy-licious and shit. She hangs up and Sam is all, WHAT THE HELL? Back with the contact, he makes a phone call to the Swarthy Dude from before, saying he'll deliver Syd and Sam on a goddamn platter in order to get in good with Sasha. Swarthy Dude is pleased.
Speaking of Sasha, Jack's on the hunt for him in Angola. I do so like to see Victor Garber in his khaki field jacket from the Ernest Hemingway collection. Jack walks over to some random soldier and says he's looking for the Rug Merchant. Another soldier walks up and pats him down as he says something about the merchant being sixty kilometers down the Bantu river. The soldiers drop him with a couple of select hits, throw a hood on his head, and trundle him into the back of a truck. Heh. You just KNOW that that ain't Victor Garber being tossed into the truck. He is FAR too classy for that shit. The soldiers drive off with Victor Garber's stuntman tied up in the back.
After the break, we are once again with Syd and Sam and I have to say that this entire scene did nothing to further the action, added nothing of interest to the episode, and basically just tried my fucking patience. If anything super-special happens, I'll be sure to note it for you. Trust me. Blah blah blah, when's your damn contact coming? Blah blah blah, soon. Bling blam blooey, witness protection sucks and I'll never see my family again. Flick flack flingy, I'll make sure and give your mom a call to let her know you're safe. Ding dong ditch 'em, man, I came to Austria to pump some thunder through my veins. Gee goo gitchy, who writes this shit? No, seriously. WHO. See saw Sally, I wanted to write the great American novel but all I wound up doing was drinking a lot of beer AND WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT, I ASK YOU?
I don't get an answer, sadly, because Bad Contact shows up to bring this crashing bore of a scene to an end. Syd's immediately suspicious of Bad Contact and she thinks she sees someone in the back of the car. As they approach the vehicle, Syd quickly grabs Bad Contact's gun and shoots the passenger, who happens to be one of the guards from the club. Syd fights with Bad Contact for a few minutes as Sam watches with his mouth agape. Finally, Syd hilariously slams the car door on Bad Contact's back several times, killing him. She walks casually over to Sam and is all, yeah, we should get going. Sam's all, uh, I'm not going ANYWHERE with you, PSYCHO KILLER. Syd's all, SERIOUSLY WE HAVE TO GO. Sam's all, look what you did to him. Syd's all, we got blindsided and we dealt with it and COME ON LET'S GO. She also says something about how it doesn't change who they are or whatever, but it's totally ham-fisted and anvils are dropping out of the sky and CAN WE GET TO THE MINI-CHOPPER OF DEATH AND DESTRUCTION ALREADY? Syd finally FINALLY explains to Sam about the weapon and innocent deaths or whatever and he finally FINALLY takes them to the metro so they can head to the shipping yards. Sam says something about how he has no, you know, mad killing skillz and Syd just says not to worry -- she has his back.
Sasha's Theme Park of Pain. Jack-in-the-Truck rolls up and the soldiers remove their prisoner's hood. Sasha immediately asks the soldiers if they know who in the hell their prisoner is. The soldiers are all, uh, yeah, what of it? Sasha's all, BANG! He shoots one of the soldiers in the kneecap and tells them all that if one of them strikes Jack, they strike him, Sasha, in the heart. Then he smiles at Jack and greets him as his dear friend. Huh. Mortal enemies, eh? Yeah, not so much.
Shut up, Ty. I never thought I'd say that, but…shut up.
Back from the break, Sasha and Jack are strolling along, having a nice chat about how to treat your men like children and give them enough rope to become men but if they make mistakes, hang them with it. This is exactly how I've treated my past boyfriends and might explain why I am currently single. Jack and Sasha continue to discuss their past association and Sasha mentions that he was shocked at how quickly he was dumped by the CIA. "One day we are working together," says Sasha, "arming a rebellion. The , you're gone." Jack says his mandate changed. Sasha wants to know why Jack's paying him a visit. Jack lies that he's entering the private sector and he wants to discuss going into business with Sasha. Sasha's honored.
Sasha's phone rings and he picks up. It's Swarthy Dude from the club and he tells Sasha that the package is being delivered on schedule. Sasha orders Swarthy Dude to keep him posted and then tells Jack he wants to show him his zoo. And…then Jack smiles. He LAUGHS and he SMILES. It's sort of…I don't know what to think, really. Victor Garber has a lovely smile, but on Jack? It's…hold me. So, whatever, Sasha wants to talk to the animals. Jack's all, dude? Tired. Long ride. In the back of a TRUCK with a HOOD ON MY HEAD. Sasha understands. He offers him some scotch and Jack again smiles and they enter the house.
A lovely woman approaches and Sasha introduces her as his wife. She's American, as far as I can tell by her accent, and I'm not sure who the actress is, but she looks awfully familiar. According to IMDb, however, unless I watched Miracles or Boston Public, I would never have seen the girl. Whatever. She's lovely and gracious and you can tell Jack is thinking, "Okay, wait. Murderous fiend Sasha with a sweet wife? What the?" She invites him to stay to dinner and gushes on and on about how she's heard so much about him and Sasha speaks so highly of him and she's so glad to meet him and Jack is about to kill your husband, honey, so I'd zip it if I were you.
Sasha and his wife skitter off to have a chat and Sasha tells Jack to hang out in his office and make himself at home. Too bad that Jack's idea of making himself at home is to pull out some piano wire and get ready to garrote Sasha. Jack's just standing there, right in front of a huge mirror, preparing the piano wire. The…hell? Shouldn't he be, um, facing away from the mirror? I mean, Sasha's hidden away in Angola somewhere and getting to him requires hidden passwords and be-hooding by soldiers and don't you think there's probably a damn camera behind that mirror? Yeah, this whole thing just reeks of a set-up.
Shipping Yards of Not Scary Mini-Choppers. Syd and Sam are watching as a couple of thugs wheel the world's tiniest assault chopper into a storage area. It's about as big as my Calphalon wok, dudes. Sam's all, uh, what's that? Syd's all, the dumbest weapon ever. Sam's all, little small, isn't it? Syd's all, tell me about it. She surmises that the biometric targeting system is inside the World's Tiniest Assault Chopper. She tries to make it sound threatening and yammers something about how, once it locks onto its target, there's no stopping it, but…IT'S THE WORLD'S TINIEST ASSAULT CHOPPER. There's just…there's no way to make it threatening. At all.
Syd looks at a van that's parked near them and asks if Sam can handle driving it. He's all, sure. I can drive a van. I can also use a pencil so, like, YOU GOT ANY OF THOSE AROUND? Syd wants him to drive the van into the warehouse in three minutes and pick her up right after she's nabbed the weapon. Sam reluctantly agrees and gets into the van as Syd heads into the warehouse. She sneaks around, grabs a lead pipe, walks up behind one of the thugs, and clocks him. She gets his gun as Sam finds the van key stuck in the visor. He pep talks himself into doing the job. Back inside, Syd goes to get the weapon and…it automatically targets her for ABSOLUTELY NO REASON WHATSOEVER. I'm not kidding. The thug had been standing right in front of the weapon not seconds before, so why didn't it target him? And Sasha has no idea who Sydney is, I don't think, so why would he make this weapon only to target her? This means that the weapon was just, like, ON, or whatever and whomever stooped down in front of it was going to be its first target? THE HELL?
Oh, for fuck's sake, I don't care. Sam peels into the warehouse, alerting Swarthy Dude to his presence. Syd opens the passenger door and hands Sam her gun. She goes to grab the chopper weapon because…I don't know why. Swarthy Dude sees this and programs the weapon to attack and before Syd can pick it up, it starts to shoot at her. Like, why didn't she just bash the thing to bits with her handy lead pipe? IT'S SMALLER THAN HER. I mean…what? So, like, Syd then…runs off to be chased around the warehouse by the Cute Li'l Copter of Chaos. I shit you not. Whirly, whirly, whirly. Shooty, shooty, shooty. Not scary, not scary, not scary. This scene sucks. I like the music, though. Kasabian rocks.
Swarthy Dude goes to the van to see who's inside and Sam hides away with the gun. Swarthy Dude heads deeper into the warehouse to see what the hell is going on and Sam pops out to shoot at everything EXCEPT Swarthy Dude. Syd watches all this from a hiding place that apparently is invisible to the Whirligig of Doom. Swarthy Dude just turns and shoots Sam in the arm. Syd leaps out and tackles him, the Chopper of Cute comes around the corner, targets Syd again, she whips around, and the Spinning Top of Death and Destruction shoots Swarthy Guy instead of Syd because…it thinks Swarthy Guy is her, obviously. Sam's fine, by the way. And he thinks they saved the world. FROM A TOY. I just…yeah. On first viewing, this whole scene was kind of funny. Now it's just…I need more coffee. And a GUN. And not a TOY GUN, either.
Angola. Again. Some more. Sasha enters his office, and Jack compliments him on his choice of wives. Sasha informs him that his wife is pregnant. So the guy who kills the families of his workers in order to make a point is going to have a family of his own. Ironic, no? Sasha blah-blahs a bunch of shit about how Jack trained him to be a man and how those tools will now prepare him to be a good father. Or something. I don't know. I'm still thinking about the World's Tiniest Assault Helicopter. Jack and Sasha share a wordless toast and Jack says, "I gave you the tools. You chose how to use them." It's pretty clear that Jack's no longer fucking around. Sasha says something about how there was one time when they were both working for the higher purpose, but then…their goals suddenly weren't the same. This became perfectly clear when Jack's agency abandoned Sasha. That was the day that Sasha realized he had to pick himself up, stay on course, and be the man Jack taught him to be. I have no idea what's going on.
Jack tries to reassure Sasha with a hand to the shoulder. But then he moves around to the left of Sasha as Sasha says something about how some people in Jack's government see Sasha's business as some form of betrayal but -- GACK. That's right. Jack's moved behind Sasha and started strangling him with the wire. Ew. "But you…betrayed…me," grits Jack as he kills his former protégé. Sasha crumples as Jack finishes choking him with a rather hideous flourish. I'm not joking. It's really…gross, actually. I'm still not sure this whole thing wasn't planned and Sasha's not dead. Or whatever. I honestly have no clue what's going on with the show this season. No fucking clue.
Jack leaves his dead ex-friend on the floor and exits the office. He runs into a soldier and tells him that Sasha requested that he not be disturbed. Whaaaaat? If I were that soldier, my ass would be in that office faster than you can say, "What's with the blood on your hands, STRANGER?" This soldier doesn't seem to think twice about it, though, and then Jack deadpans that he needs a car because he needs to go to town. Okaaaay.
Hell-Lay. Vaughn enters the Apple Store and walks over to Weiss's desk. Weiss hurriedly closes his laptop and that totally makes me think he's up to something. Weiss asks if Vaughn found Murdoch, and Vaughn lies that he couldn't track him down. Huh. Wonder…what in the hell is going on? Nadia walks up and asks if Weiss is ready. They're going to the movies. Would Vaughn like to come? No, really. WOULD VAUGHN LIKE TO COME? That so doesn't bode well for the Nadia/Weiss relationship, wouldn't you say? Vaughn declines and says he'll see them tomorrow. They walk off, and Michael Vartan works his stubble like nobody's business.
Random Stadium of Tired Storylines. Sam's sitting an aisle seat. Syd approaches. She takes a seat and they talk about how it's safe for Sam to go back home without the whole witness protection bullshit. He says something about how it must kill her to do all this crazy stuff and see all these amazing places, but never tell anyone about it. "You know what?" she says. "It's not so bad. It gives people like us something in common." "People like us, huh?" says Sam, all proud that she included him in her little spy circle. She just gives him a sad smile and gets up to leave. "Hey," he says sweetly, "I'll see ya around the globe." "Goodbye, Sam," she says. She leaves and Sam looks out at the stadium and wonders if Judd Apatow has any other pet projects in the works because this mini-chopper crap has GOT to go.
Apple Store. Syd enters and runs across her father, who's on his way out. She's all, hey! I hear you located Korjev! Jack's all, yeaaaaah. I might have, uh, run across him. Syd's all, yeah, so, Sloane told me Korjev was taken in a standoff! How exciting! Did ya see it? Jack is all, uh, yeaaaaah. I might have, uh, witnessed something like that. Syd smells a rat, but says only, "Heading home?" Jack knows his daughter smells a rat, but says only, "Yeah, I'm gonna grab some dinner first." Syd's all, okay. Goodnight. Jack's all, okay. Goodnight. It's seriously that wooden. Jack walks past her and suddenly, Syd turns. "Dad! I'm kinda hungry myself," she says. "If you wouldn't mind the company." "What about your report?" he tersely says. "It'll keep," she responds. He smiles at her and they walk down the secret hallway together as she takes his arm. And…scene. Yeah. That's it. That's how it ends. I…yeah.
week: To make up for the obvious lack of Nadia in this episode, we have a whole episode devoted to the girl, it would seem. And apparently, most of it is in Spanish. Damn. I knew I should have paid more attention in Señora Luego's class back in the ninth grade.