Previously on Alias: EEEP! EEEEEEEP! OOOP!
The episode opens on Syd, walking through the Apple Store, looking fabulous in her all-black outfit. She passes by Sloane's office and sees the Dean of Inappropriate Touching putting his hand on her boyfriend. Ew! Not like that! No, it looks like Sloane and Vaughn are discussing something, and Sloane never lets any discussion occur without a little inappropriate shoulder caressing. It's just his "thing." Elsewhere in the office, Weiss is berating Nadia for not wanting to celebrate her own birthday. Syd walks up and asks what's going on. Weiss informs her that Nadia doesn't want to have a stupid big-ass party for her birthday. Syd's all, GET OUT! You have a BIRTHDAY? Weiss is all, I KNOW! Who knew? I thought she sprouted fully formed from the brow of Irina Derevko! I was shocked to learn she arrived via womb like the rest of us!
Nadia looks mildly perturbed as Syd and Weiss carry on with their How Shall We Celebrate Grumpy Girl's Birthday routine. Finally, Nadia just says something about how she's not even sure it IS her birthday, because when you're dumped at an orphanage by some random CIA guy in order to save you from your mother AND your father, clearly, you don't get to HAVE a real birthday and the scary nuns with the rulers and black dress fetish have to make up a birthday for you and that's the one you have to celebrate from here to kingdom come and that kind of sucks because now you don't even know how old you are, unless, you know, someone slices you open and counts the rings, right? Syd and Weiss aren't even remotely picking up on Nadia's discomfort with the whole birthday thing, and they kind of hilariously suggest all sorts of activities; from bowling to go-carts to my favorite: bar-hopping.
Marshall walks up at the same moment that Nadia's all, SERIOUSLY? NO PARTY, and he's all, um, you having a party? And Nadia's all, WHAT'D I SAY ABOUT THE PARTY? Marshall offers up his services as a killer DJ and, when the tumbleweeds race through the office immediately after this offer is dropped on the table, he just geeks something about there being a meeting in the Conference Room of Endless Expositions. The kids head there ASAP.
Okay, so when I first saw this scene, I had to rewind it, like, nine times in order to actually get the gist of everything that Sloane was saying, because it packs in about twelve storylines from the past two seasons and I kept going, "Wait, WHAT?" every time Sloane opened his damn mouth. I'll try to keep it as clear and brief as possible for you. Basically, when the Alliance was dismantled, a bunch of files and stuff were confiscated. Among them was a little something known as the Blackwell Index. Weiss smarts, "'Blackwell Index'? What is this, a worst-dressed list?" Hee. Weiss is gay. Or he's a straight man who reads fashion magazines. Sloane just shoots him a "shut up, moron" look and Jack fills everyone in on who Blackwell was and what the Index is.
Damien Blackwell was the head of the Gouse crime syndicate, and the Index is basically a master blackmailing list that has dirt on pretty much every last person you'd ever want dirt on. The Blackwell Index was encoded onto a mobile terminal, and the Alliance was never able to read it because it was enciphered using 4,096-bit encryption. It would take a supercomputer working on it 24/7 for twenty years to decipher it, according to Marshall. The CIA has also not decrypted the Index. Syd's all, and why should we care about this? Well, says Sloane, because the Index was stolen from the CIA research station in Sarajevo last night and we have no leads as to who might have stolen it.
"Why steal something you can't read?" asks Nadia. Funny you should ask, says Sloane. The decoder disk has been located. It's now in the possession of the French authorities. Jack surmises that their only logical step is to go after the decoder because, without it, the Index is useless. Sloane says they'd like to be able to obtain it through legal channels, but, if they did, then this show would only be about ten minutes long and Syd wouldn't get to wear a short skirt and multi-colored pencils in her hair. So, they have to steal the disk from the French police. Sloane orders Syd to figure out a way to get herself arrested. There's this funny pause where everyone kind of looks around the table like, that shouldn't be a problem, right? Hee.
Minutes later, Dix is at his desk doing something on his computer. He's checking Sloane's phone records and he finds that at 4:12 PM the day before, Sloane made a call to a hotel in Sarajevo. Innnnteresting. Over by the Secret Elevators of Apple Store Access, Vaughn's heading out the door and Syd's chasing after him. Syd asks if there's any word on his uncle. Vaughn says that his mom called this morning and told him that his uncle's last stroke hit pretty hard and he still hasn't regained consciousness. Syd voices her concern and asks if he's gonna be okay, and Vaughn stoically says he's fine, it's just that when his dad died, his uncle swore he'd always be there for him and his mother, but he just…wasn't. He never stuck around. Nice. Nutshell? Vaughn's not that into seeing his uncle right about now. Syd wishes she could go with him and they share a nice, sweet kiss before Vaughn enters the elevator. The doors close and Dix comes up, telling Syd they need to talk.
Down in the Annex to the Subbasement of Dreams and Desires, Dix tells Syd that he's been watching Sloane as Director Angela Bassett told him he should. Syd, deadly serious, says, "What has he done now?" in this tone that just reeks of, "Oh, for god's sake, WHAT NOW?" Dix is all, you know how, just now, Sloane said he didn't have any leads on who stole the Index? Syd's all, yeah? Dix is all, recognize the skeletal dude in this picture? Syd's all, hey, yeah! That's Michael Des Barres, former B-level rock star and husband of Groupie Extraordinaire Pamela Des Barres! Okay, so she just says that it's Michael Devereaux, a former Alliance dude who was once with SD-3, but she's totally thinking the other thing. Trust me. Dix is all, uh, yeah, whatever, Sloane contacted Devereaux forty minutes after the Blackwell Index was stolen and this was before Langley had even discovered the theft. Syd's all, how'd you know that? Dix is all, uh, don't tell anyone but, uh, I'm kinda illegally tapping Sloane's phone. Syd's all, DUDE. Dix is all, WHAT? We're supposed to watch him!
He goes on to say that the call was encrypted, but that he managed to trace it to a hotel in Sarajevo. He hacked into the hotel's CCTV feed and found this shot of Devereaux. Syd's all, oh man. You think Sloane's working with Devereaux, don't you? Dix is all, totally. I think he tasked us with stealing the decoder so that he and Devereaux can use it on the Index and take over the world! "He's using us…again," spits Dix. "And that's not something I'm gonna let him do." Oooh! Dix is MAD. I like Mad Dixon. He's spicy!
And now is the time on Alias when we break out the bubbly and whip it! Whip it real good! Because, so far, the episode is NOT showing evidence of being written by an ape. (It's early, though, so you never know.)
Angela Bassett's Office Of Clipped Syllables. What? You know it's true. Woman speaks like she's enunciating for ESL diction tapes. Angie's totally giving the smackdown to Dixon. She's all, so, what, you've been illegally tapping your superior's phone, right? Nice. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom, homie. Dix is all, what? You TOLD me to watch him! She's all, legally, you doofus. He's all, oh, whatever, Sloane's wanted the Blackwell Index since SD-6 and now he's coincidentally getting his hands on the thing right at the same time that the decoder's been discovered? I don't THINK so, honey. Angie's all, don't you honey me, sweetheart! And peddle your paranoid shit elsewhere, baby. Dix is all, dude! He TASKED us with stealing the decoder from the French police! Does this compute? Are you HEARING me, beeyotch? Angie's all, uh, yeah, DUMBASS, I approved Sloane's steal-a-disk idea, okay? So you just get up outta my face and get your sweet little heinie outta here, got it? Oh, unless you got something else to give me other than illegal phone tapping and overt conjecture. No? Buh-bye, then.
Apple Store. Syd's trying to talk reason to Dix at his desk where, apparently, there is no longer any danger of them talking like there was, oh, just the day before. Or earlier that morning. Or whenever the hell it was that they had to go all the way down to the Annex of the Subbasement of Dreams and Desires just to have a conversation. It's a dumb bit of inconsistency, is all I'm sayin'. Syd's all, dude, I know you want Sloane to be guilty. Trust me. I've been there. Dix is all, this is NOT about Sloane killing my wife. Syd's all, uh, duh, yeah it is. Syd thinks that they should just let this "Sloane is guilty" thing go. Dix doesn't think so, however, and he basically begs Syd to help him.
Mesa, Arizona. Home of comatose uncles and the nephews who don't really like them much. Vaughn's standing in the dark watching his uncle breathe. A fake nurse enters (what? She is!) and tells Vaughn that he doesn't have to stand around in the dark. Man's in a coma, dude; lights aren't really a problem right about now. Fake Nurse turns on the lights and looks at Vaughn. "You must be Bill," she says. Vaughn's all, whuh? Huh? With the? Whuh? "Why would you say that?" he asks. Fake Nurse says that before Uncle fell into his coma, he talked a lot about the fact that Bill was coming to visit. Vaughn's all, Bill's my dad. He's dead. THANKS FOR BRINGING IT UP. Fake Nurse futzes with Uncle's tubes and stuff and asks if Bill died recently. Vaughn says no, it was back in 1979. He introduces himself and she tells him her name is "Evil Minion of Irina Derevko." Actually, no, she says her name is Rosemary and tells him she handles the 3:00 and 10:00 rounds in this wing. No idea if those are AM or PM, but it doesn't really matter because there ARE no 3:00 and 10:00 rounds in this wing and Rosemary is the DEVIL.
Apple Store. Sloane is berating Weiss for delivering an incomplete recon report and Weiss is all, but dude, I'm totally doing a good job and Sloane is all, uh, you totally aren't and you're a big doof and you have all our resources at your disposal, dipshit, why don't you, I don't know, USE THEM? Weiss eats his own shoe and meekly says, "Yes, sir." Heh. "The rest of the specs look great," says Sloane easily. "Thank you," says Weiss, glowing with pride. "I trust you'll have no problem bringing Nadia up to speed?" says Sloane. "Yeah," says Weiss, "I already did it last night." And the room temperature goes from 75 degrees to sub-zero in 1.8 seconds flat. Sloane's eyes narrow until all we can see is the blackness of his irises and he goes, "Excuuuuse me?" HEE. Weiss is all, uh, no! I mean, yes! Last night! When we were working late! We like to work late! Not sex! We don't have sex! I don't know how to have sex! It's…we're FRIENDS! DON'T KILL ME. Sloane just calmly listens to Weiss dig himself into an early grave and says, "Are you finished?" Hee hee hee! Weiss is a dead man. "Have the report on my desk in an hour," says the man who will soon eat Weiss's liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. "Impress me." Oh, man. Sloane would NOT be a good man to have as a potential father-in-law. I have a feeling the only thing you could do to impress him would be to assassinate a head of state and take over a small country. Then and only then might he consider letting you into his family.
Weiss walks off to research the Witness Protection Program, and Sloane heads to his office, where Jack is waiting for him. Jack asks if Langley was able to generate any new leads on the Sarajevo theft. Sloane says nope. They got nothin' as far as the theft is concerned. "Then I'm assuming our agenda remains the same," says Jack. "Yes," says Sloane. "We obtain the decoder." Jack says he'll coordinate transport and goes to leave. Before he leaves, however, Sloane remarks that Syd was supposed to hand over her ops report fifteen minutes ago and there's no sign of her. "Any idea where she might be?" asks Sloane. Jack has no idea. Now, if you know the ending of this episode then…well, then this scene takes on a bit of a different shade. Just watch it again after you've seen the whole episode. Trust me.
Annex to the Subbasement of Dreams and Desires. Dix and Syd are meeting once again, and Syd's saying something about how she and Vaughn used to meet like this when he was her handler at SD-6. Hee. Dix is all, must've been romantic, huh? Syd just blushes and smiles widely. Aw. Syd defuses the cuteness of the scene when she pulls out a micro CD burner that she lifted from Marshall's office. With a few adjustments, it'll make a corrupted copy of the decoder disk that they can pass off to Sloane as the real thing. So, if Sloane hands it over to the CIA per protocol, no harm done; but, if he keeps it and tries using it, he'll be sorely disappointed. They'll have to watch and see. Dix pauses and looks at Syd. She's all, what? He's all, now I suddenly realize how tough it must've been for you at SD-6. He appreciates her doing this, even though she has her reservations. She remarks that it's different now because of Nadia; she almost wants Sloane NOT to be guilty. Oh, please. She barely knows her sister and now she's more worried about the girl than Sloane's possible guilt? Uch. Make Nadia evil already and let's get on with it. (And by no means does this mean I don't like Nadia; I do. Love her to bits. But I'd love her more if that Rambaldi juice running around in her veins suddenly kicked into high gear and gave her glowing green eyes and made her all evil and shit. Because that would rock.)
Paris. Mmmm. Paris. As Jet rocks out "Are You Gonna Be My Girl," Syd stomps down a "Paris" street dressed in funky black net stockings, combat boots, a ripped jean miniskirt, and a punky leather jacket. It's a look that went out, oh, around the time Sid Vicious finally silenced that shrieking Mimi, Nancy Spungen, but it looks so cute on her, I'll let it pass. She also has about ninety colored pencils or sticks stuck into her hair and it's adorable. Also adorable? Jet's bass player, Mark Wilson. If you'll excuse me, I just have to pause for a moment to head over to Launch and watch me a little video…
Ahem. I'm back. And Syd's up to no good. She comes up to an SUV and pulls out a spray can. Looks like she's working on that whole "get yourself arrested" plan, huh? She starts to spray-paint "OIL IS" on the side of the car, and I can only imagine that the final word will be "BAD" or something similar. Weiss runs up and starts yelling at her in really awful French. Hee. Syd turns around and goes, "YOU," and points at him. Hee. Weiss calls over a policeman and starts explaining in his horrible French that Syd's done something to his car. Instead of arresting Weiss for impersonating a French citizen really, really badly, the policeman just asks what's going on and Weiss continues to yell at him. Syd hilariously mocks Weiss's French guy, going, "Ah poo la la!" and "Blah boooh lie blah!" It's awesome. "Juuuu nuuuu coooompraaawwwn paaas!" Syd says, making goofy faces at the men. Hee. Finally, she grabs the cop's club and smashes out the passenger window of the SUV. Everyone freaks and the cop arrests Syd while she tries to suppress a grin and a giggle. That scene was the most fun I've had while watching this show in quite some time. Hee.
After the break, we're treated to what might be The Shortest Alias Scene Ever. Syd's parked in a police station, acting like a snotty American. She's very good at it. Dixon enters and starts talking to Syd in this totally silly "white" voice. It's all nasally and "You put a banana in the tailpipe," like, Eddie Murphy circa Beverly Hills Cop. Heh. There's a cop in the room, so Syd and Dix act like Dix is her Embassy-assigned attorney and he's there to get her out of jail. Elsewhere in the city, Nadia does something on a laptop and tells Dixon that they're now looping the feed on the CCTV in this room, so the move is on his call. Dix points a pen at the cop by the door and shoots a dart into his neck. Heh. The cop dropped, Dix hands Syd the CD burner and she runs out the door.
Syd checks in with Nadia and heads to the evidence storage room. She easily picks the lock and hides as a couple of cops head her way. The disk is in Plot 430. Syd burns a hole in the gate door and makes sure to turn her back to the CCTV camera in this room so that Nadia can't see what she's doing. She palms the disk and hides it, claiming to Nadia that the disk isn't in that storage unit, and says she's going to check the other units. Then she moves out of range of the camera and quickly burns the disk, making a copy. As she's doing this, a guard shows up for absolutely no reason and Nadia warns Syd to get the hell out of there. Syd finishes burning the disk, tells Nadia she found the decoder, and then kicks the shit out of the guard. She doesn't do her usual stellar job of ass-kicking, however, because the guy just gets on his walkie-talkie or whatever and informs the troops that they have a prisoner on the loose. Nadia tells Dix to abort and move to Plan B and then tells Syd to head to the roof immediately, which she does. Running, running, running. Guards, shooting, running. Syd gets up onto the roof. More running. Suddenly, a black 'copter appears and Syd…jumps off the roof and grabs onto one of the landing skids. Weiss, who's at the controls, smoothly flies her off in the direction of the Eiffel Tower as the cops ineffectually watch her get away. Hee. Awesome. Totally awesome.
Also? Totally short. The whole thing was four minutes from beginning to end. The hell? I mean, yay! Makes my job easier but…the hell?
Apple Store Hallway Where No One Apparently is Concerned About Security or Sloane Overhearing or Anything. Syd and Dix are discussing the fact that the decoder's still in analysis, and Dix is convinced that Sloane's only pretending to follow protocol. Dix, of course, has been monitoring Sloane's phone, and he's made more than a dozen phone calls to a number in Brussels. Unfortunately, the calls he made were encrypted, so they have no idea what was said. Dix says they need to get into Sloane's house and copy his encryption key so that they can hack into his phone calls. Before Syd can say, "Dude? You're mental," Sloane shows up and tersely requests her presence in his office.
Sloane's Office of West Elm Furniture. Sloane bitches at Sydney for her fake fuck-up at the police station. Syd snaps that she wasn't caught, so what's the problem? Sloane's all, dude? You took a long time in the evidence room. Oh, and most vacationing American snots do NOT get rescued by black helicopters, a-ight? Or didn't that occur to you when you were SCREWING AROUND in the evidence room? Syd blah blahs about the decoder disk being misfiled, but Sloane totally isn't buying any of her crap. They snit back and forth at each other until, finally, Sloane sneers, "Perhaps I shouldn't but…I expect better from you." Oh, snap. Syd takes this bitchy put-down rather calmly and turns to leave. She stops, gets an idea, and turns back around. "This might not be the best time," she says, thinking on her feet, "but I thought you should know: today's Nadia's birthday." Sloane looks surprised. "She says she doesn't want to celebrate," she continues, "but maybe she'd change her mind if the invitation came from you." Hee! Oh, this is so wicked of her. She's totally thrown Sloane for a loop, because he gets up, all, whuh? Birthday? Daughter? Know? Not. Help. Me. Hee. "Well, what do you think she might like?" asks Sloane. "Something simple," says Syd, looking off to the side where a big placard reads, KEEP GOING, YOU'RE TOTALLY SNOWING HIM. "A family dinner, maybe? At your house?" she says innocently. HA! She's an evil little minx when she wants to be. She went into his office ready to tell Dixon to just drop it already, and the second Sloane was bitchy with her, she turned right around and got herself invited to his house! Heh. Nice, Syd.
Hospital Comatose. Vaughn's sitting by his uncle's bedside, watching a basketball game. Fake Nurse Rosemary enters and blah blahs something about Uncle Coma listening to the game. Vaughn wonders aloud if she thinks Uncle Coma can hear him. She blah blahs something about how you never know and some coma patients have been known to wake up just at the sound of a loved one's voice. Vaughn doesn't seem so sure. Rosemary's all, blah blah was your father a good man? Vaughn's all, blah blah yeah, whatever, just give me that secret key you've been hired to give me and let's move this B plot along, shall we? Rosemary claims that Uncle Coma had something for "Bill," but seeing as Bill's dead, he probably meant for Vaughn to have it. She hands him an envelope and inside is a bus station locker key. Rosemary gets this "look" on her face that might or might not be evil, and she leaves so that Vaughn can add another three or four wrinkles to his forehead without being disturbed.
Scissor Sisters Barbie Penthouse. Syd's getting ready for the party. Well, if by "ready" you mean "sticking a secret spy device in her purse and looking really guilty while doing it." Nadia enters and asks Syd what she thinks. I don't know what Syd thinks, but I think Nadia looks like she's dressed for a hot Valentine's Day date, not dinner at dear old dad's house. But maybe that's just me. Syd says it looks perfect and Nadia says thanks and Syd says sure, Nadia can borrow that necklace any time and…it's a really weird awkward moment because it kind of sounds like a snotty sister moment the way it was cut. I don't know. It was just…odd. Anyway, Nadia is saying thank you for the whole family dinner thing. Syd's all, really? Because, uh, you seemed really annoyed and downright bitchy, actually, when I told your dad about your birthday. Again, the tone of this scene is…odd. Syd sounds like she's pissy with Nadia, even though Nadia's basically saying sorry for being such a pill earlier. Weird. Nadia just says she thought she didn't want a fuss for her birthday, but now she's glad Syd pushed the issue, because a family gathering now feels like a good idea. Nadia wraps up the whole "I'm going to make you feel super-guilty for spying on my dad" conversation by saying that the fact that Syd is willing to have dinner with Sloane means a whole lot to Nadia. Syd just swallows that big pill of irony down with a heavy gulp.
Welcome to the Awkwardest Family Reunion EVER. Syd, Jack, Sloane, Nadia and…WEISS are seated around a large dining room table. (Side note: Is that the same table where Emily "killed herself"? Because if it is, I'd check your wine, Weiss.) Weiss is quickly making the biggest horse's ass out of himself as he slurps wine and blabbles about how Nadia was craaaaaazy in Paris and how he's thinking of buying a hybrid car. The whuh? In the whuh whuh? Syd says he should buy a hybrid because she has one. There's a pause, and Weiss looks down at Sloane. "What do you think, Arvin?" Awkward. Once again, the temperature in the room instantly drops about fifty degrees. Sloane just…stares at Weiss like he's a piece of bat shit on a cave floor. Jack just…kind of looks to the side like he's praying for a spontaneous indoor rainstorm to begin at the end of the table. Nadia just…looks over at Sydney as if to say, dude? Why am I dating this doofus? It doesn't even make sense to ME. Weiss just…chokes on his wine and silently prays that Sloane didn't hear that whole "Arvin" thing and says, "Uh, Mr. Sloane." Hee.
Jack, sensing a prime opportunity to lighten a dark moment with one of his hilarious stories about international fuel needs and the state of crude oil, quickly comes to Weiss's rescue with…a story about international fuel needs and the state of crude oil. In a moment that has me actually falling out of my chair onto the floor laughing, Jack launches into a speech that's basically, like, a page out of a "What Can Crude Do For You?" informational pamphlet.
Here's what Jack says: "Well, considering the rapidly growing demand for fuel in nations like China and India, not to mention the world's oil production is expected to peak in the five years and then sharply plummet, I think it's pretty clear we're looking at an exponential rise in global conflict, along with an energy crisis of unfathomable proportions. [deadly pause] So, yes, I'd say a hybrid is an excellent idea." Here's what the table hears: "Blah blah blah, fuel, blah blah blah China blah India, blah blah blah oil, blah blah blah plummet, blah blah blah global conflict, blah blah blah unfathomable. Blah blah excellent idea." Here's what it looks like the table hears: "Oh, no. Jack's trying to save this situation? That's just…make him stop. He's…he's not stopping. Oh my god, he's really not stopping. Has the man ever actually BEEN to a dinner party? He's still talking. How can he still be talking? WHAT IS HE EVEN TALKING ABOUT? Please make it end. Please just shoot us all and put us out of our misery. Is he…done? Please. Say he's…he is! He's done! Thank god."
Hee. You just know that entire table of actors were cracking up during this scene because Victor Garber just looks…flummoxed, and not unlike he has a serious case of acid reflux. Hee hee hee. Classic. After Jack finishes his non-save, everyone kind of looks around at each other like, "Did something just happen? Because I think something just happened, but I can't quite put my finger on what it was. Also? Kill me." Weiss just shoots a glance at Jack like, "Yeah, remind me never to rely on you to be my wing-man, dude." Sloane gets up to make some ridiculous Chinese proverb toast to his daughter and then he says something about how, since she's come into his life, he's a changed man and I don't believe that shit for a minute and everyone raises their glasses and drinks. Syd looks as disgusted as I feel during this stupid speech and luckily, her phone rings and she gets it. It's Dix, but Syd pretends it's from Vaughn and she slinks off to "chat" with him.
As the Spylicious Super Mix plays over the soundtrack, Syd makes her way to Sloane's office. He has a wicked cool aquarium behind his desk that I so totally want, like, immediately. Syd picks the lock on Sloane's right-hand desk drawer and finds the secure phone she's looking for. She pulls out her handy hacking device and gets to work. Back at the table, Nadia starts to stand and remove the plates, but Weiss makes her sit down because birthday girls shouldn't have to work on their birthdays. Sloane says he has something for her and says he's going to go get it. Hope it's not in your office, because Syd's in there, busily sending Sloane's encryption key to Dixon. He receives the transmission and Syd quickly dismantles her gear. Not quickly enough, however, because when she's done putting her shit away, there's Nadia, looking at Syd with a visibly broken heart behind her eyes. "Birthday cake's ready," she hushes. "Okay," says Syd uncomfortably. Nadia walks off. Aw.
Back in the Room of Awkward Birthday Celebrations, Sloane's pouring some bubbly. He hands a glass to Nadia as Syd returns. He asks her how Vaughn is and Syd blurbles something about how he's fine, but how it must be hard for him. "It must be," says Nadia, pointedly avoiding Syd's eyes. Weiss enters, bearing a delicious-looking chocolate cake, covered in candles. Aw. He tells her that he just whipped up a little something for her and then says, "Happy birthday," and kisses her sweetly on her forehead. Considering what a doof he's been throughout this party, I'm surprised he didn't lick her forehead and then stick his tongue down her throat. Heh. Sloane orders his daughter to make a wish. She does, and blows out the candles. Then she makes a speech about how she had no idea what to expect from tonight because she's never celebrated anything with family before and wasn't even sure she wanted to but…Sydney insisted. Syd looks way guilty now. "Now I see what I've been missing all these years," says Nadia, her voice breaking. "The chance to know my family for the kind of people they really are." Whoa. Slam. Syd's eyes tear up. Good one, Nadia. Everyone drinks their champagne as Sydney wonders how in the hell she's gonna get out of this one.
Scissor Sisters Barbie Penthouse. The girls are back from dinner and Nadia is PISSED. "You used me!" she shrieks as they slam into the house. "You wanted to break into my father's office and you used me to do it!" Syd's all, dude! Listen to me! Nadia's all, tonight was nothing but a plan! And you always put the orange juice back in the fridge with only a teaspoon left in it! I hate that! Syd's all, that's not true! I like backwash! It's the best part! And I'm sorry I had to do the fake birthday thingy, but for the first time in my life, I totally don't want Sloane to be guilty! For your sake! "Nadia," she says, "I'm trying to prove that he's innocent." The doorbell rings. Nadia gets it. It's Dixon. He pretends to be all normal and shit, but Nadia just cuts to the chase and says that whatever he's found out about her father, she has a right to know what it is. Syd nods her head at him as if to say, yo. Go for it.
Bus Station of Daddy Secrets. Vaughn heads directly over to the storage lockers and opens the appropriate one. Inside is an envelope held closed by some rubber bands. Vaughn opens it and pulls out a little black notebook that apparently belonged to his father. He pages through it, seeing dates and notes scrawled inside. Then he gets to some pages that are dated 1980 and 1981. Looks like Daddy Vaughn didn't "die" in 1979 so much as he "lived" until at least the early eighties.
Angela Bassett's Office of Clipped Syllables. Dix is playing an audio tape of Devereaux and Sloane talking to each other on the phone about stealing the decoder from police custody. They're both gloating and chortling about how they duped the CIA. Devereaux says that it'll be nice to have Sloane back at the table. The call ends and Dix says, "Sloane is reconstructing the Alliance. Unless you require more evidence." Heh. Angie is sufficiently cowed. She asks where the meeting is taking place and he tells her that it's in Brussels. She orders him to set up a mobile surveillance and track Sloane to the meeting. Once he's there, they'll move in. She asks who else knows about this and Dix tells her only Syd and Nadia know. Angie's all, uh, you told his DAUGHTER about this? Dix just says it was necessary to involve her and she's prepared to accept the truth about her daddy. "All right then," says Angie. "Let's do it." Awwww yeah. Bow chicka bow bow --what's that? Oh. She didn't mean "do it" as in "making the beast with two backs"? Sorry. My bad.
Apple Store. Nadia moves toward the screen, hidden behind the same diffused glowy lights that hid her mother back in Season Two. It's a nice touch, actually, reminding us of Lena Olin at a time like this. It's also really, really mean because WE MISS YOU, LENA. Nadia walks into Sloane's office as he's finishing up a phone call. He hands her the scarf she left behind last night and comments that she seemed like she was in a hurry and is everything all right? Sloane detected some tension between her and Sydney. Nadia just says everything's fine, she was just overwhelmed, and she still has to get used to being around family. Sloane's got his bullshit detector on full power right now, and he's totally not buying any of this, but he plays along and tells her that, if she ever needs to talk, his door is always open. She thanks him and turns to leave, but stops when she sees an overnight bag on a chair. "Are you…going somewhere?" she asks. "Yeah," he says. "Just an overnight." "Where to?" she asks, knowing full well what his answer is. "Brussels," he says. Nadia swallows her pain and says, "Have a safe trip." She walks off and Sloane looks after her with daggers in his eyes. What? He totally does. He's naughty.
Brussels. Syd and Nadia sit in a parked car and discuss the whole Sloane Is Bad situation. Oh, and their car is bright red. Way to blend, girls. What, were there no Pussy Wagons available at the rental place? Syd apologizes for not telling Nadia sooner. Nadia tells Syd to shut up and leave her alone. Syd says that she's not used to seeing gray when it comes to Sloane because it's always been black and white. Nadia tells Syd to fuck off. Okay, no, she doesn't. She just wonders, "What if it was your father? He's done his share of compromising things. Would you work this hard to punish him?" Actually, no, she probably wouldn't. She'd probably hate him for the first forty-two minutes of the episode, but then, in the final five, she'd discover he was doing it all for her own good and then they'd hug at the end. But I'm just guessing here.
Nadia sees Sloane getting into a car and driving off, and the girls follow him. Syd checks in with Angela Bassett, who's sitting in the ops van with Dixon. Naked. Oh, okay, she's not naked. And neither is Dixon. But they SHOULD be. Sloane's heading toward the dockyards, so the girls follow him there. For some reason, they, um, beat him there and are waiting for him when he arrives. He gets out of the car and climbs up some stairs. Inside a warehouse at street level, Aging Former Rocker Michael Des Barres is showing the Blackwell Index to a couple of interested men. Actually, they look like aging former rockers too. They're all aging former rockers. Maybe the Alliance is actually made up of aging former rockers from groups like Yes and Asia and Pink Floyd and Rush and wouldn't that be awesome? They'd all get together every few months to blackmail people and build bombs and plan the destruction of the world and have ripe old-fashioned music implosion jam sessions. Heh.
Okay, so, on the Blackwell Index computer screen, letters and numbers are swirling and whirling around each other. The Aging Rockers look pleased. Syd and Nadia climb down from their viewing post so we can look at their butts for a minute. Honestly, I don't know why else we got that shot. Back with the Aging Rockers, someone's entering with a briefcase. We don't see the someone's face, but it's pretty clear we're supposed to think it's Sloane. Outside, Syd and Nadia run to meet the ops van. Angie and Dix scramble out, and they and Syd head into the building to nab Sloane. As she runs by, Angie orders Nadia to monitor the perimeter. Nadia looks totally peeved at this. Hee. She gets into her fiery red car and drives off. Man With Briefcase keeps moving toward the Aging Rockers. Des Barres turns and says, "You're late."
Outside, Nadia's screeching around in her not-at-all-conspicuous red car. Way to keep a low profile, Nadia. Angie and crew are still racing toward Sloane. She checks to see if the perimeter is clear and Nadia gives her the go. Angie and crew race up the stairs, guns drawn and open the door to find…Sloane, sitting alone at a table with a laptop in front of him. Dix is all, where's Des Barres? Huh? WHERE IS HE? Sloane just hoods his eyes up and says, "You have no idea what you're doing." Oh, no. Angie and Dix move in with their guns drawn and demand to know where the Alliance meeting is. Syd, strangely, doesn't have any weapon drawn. Sloane just calmly says that the Alliance meeting is in another building and that he is only surveilling the meet.
Everyone moves around to look at the computer, forgetting for a moment that Sloane's a dangerous bastard and could possibly have a concealed weapon. They watch the screen as we see the Aging Rockers from an unseen person's point of view. Des Barres is saying something to the unseen person about how he heard rumors that the unseen person had turned CIA. "The rumors were wrong," says the voice of Jack Bristow. D'oh! "Oh my god," says Sydney. In the room, we finally see Jack, and he's removing his coat and wearing a ridiculous pair of glasses that, I'm assuming, have the camera stuck in the frame. Heh. He takes a seat, saying, "It's good to be back." Hee. Yeah. He's not a bad guy. I didn't even remotely believe that shit for a second. He's duplicitous and morally suspect, but the dude would never work for the Alliance.
Because it can never be said enough, shut up, Sarah Jessica Parker. And shut up, Gap. And shut up, color pink. Shut up, all y'all.
Back with the Aging Rockers, Jack removes the decoder disk from his jacket pocket (what was the damn briefcase for, then?) and slides it over to Des Barres. Meanwhile, Angie's grilling Sloane about the Alliance, saying that if he knew the Alliance was regrouping, why not alert the CIA. Sloane's all, dude, you and I both know the CIA would never allow me to convene the Alliance leadership. Angie's all, uh, DUH. Sloane's all, yeah, so, THAT attitude is pretty much why I resorted to subterfuge. I had to draw these guys out into the open in order to ID the players and the infrastructure. Angie's all, you shoulda come to me. Sloane's all, yeah? Well, I didn't. I went to Jack. Jealous, much? Nadia, meanwhile, is listening to all of this on her earpiece.
Syd's all, you sent my father to do your dirty work? Oh, shut up, Sydney. Let the man talk. Sloane says that Jack demanded to go and Dixon says he's lying. You shut up too, Dixon. Sloane says that Jack wouldn't trust Sloane around the Blackwell Index either, but he knew the Aging Rockers would recognize him, Jack, as Sloane's right-hand man at SD-6. "He insisted on delivering the decoder himself," says Sloane, pointedly looking at Sydney. Suddenly, light dawns on yonder Bristow forehead. Syd looks at Dix and Dix looks at Syd. "He doesn't have the real decoder," she breathes. "Oh, no, you didn't," groans Sloane. Oh, but she did, honey. She did.
Des Barres hits a switch on the laptop and turns to see what wonders the decoder can do. All that happens is the letters and numbers scramble and freeze, totally unintelligible. "What's going on, Jack?" says Geoff Downes. Sloane and the rest of the Appleseed Gang watch the action tensely. Michael Des Barres gets FAR too close to Jack's face, allowing us to see just what years of sex, drugs, and rock-'n'-roll can do to a good-looking British man. Dude looks RAGGED, y'all. Michael Des Barres then bitch-slaps Jack with his gun. Ow. Sloane tells Syd Jack's location and she runs off, telling Nadia to get there ASAP. She peels off.
David Gilmour tapes Jack to his chair as Michael Des Barres moves in and asks him where Sloane is. Jack huffs that Sloane's probably miles from here. "He knew the decoder was a fake," says Jack. "He sold me out. And when I find him, I'm gonna kill the bastard -- just as soon as I'm done with you." Heh. Nice. I'm not sure, though, if Jack really believes Sloane sold him out or not. He could really think that Sloane put him in this position on purpose. Interesting thought, no? Well, whatever Jack thinks, Michael Des Barres doesn't really care, because he just bitch-slaps him again and we cut to Nadia, loudly peeling around every available corner. Again, it's not like you're INVISIBLE or SILENT, Nadia. They can hear you, you know?
Michael Des Barres again asks where Sloane is. Jack hedges. Sloane watches. Nadia screeches. Michael Des Barres points his gun at Jack's head as…Nadia comes slamming through the glass doors, pulls a U, and puts a bullet directly into the chest of every one of the Aging Rockers. Niiiiiice. She totally takes after her mother. She runs over to Jack and he kind of…glares at her as if to say, "Hm. Maybe you're not so bad after all. But you're still the product of an infidelity and I'm a petty little shit, so, neener. I still hate you."
Minutes later, Syd, who apparently decided not to run all the way to her father's location like we thought she was going to about two paragraphs ago, is standing at a seagull-filled dock as Nadia pulls up. Syd walks toward her father and her sister. "Dad," Syd says. "I'm okay," he says, "really." He sees the sisters look at each other and then just says that he'll wait in the car. Nadia moves over to face her sister. "Thank you," Syd says. "I'd like to think, in the future, you'd do the same for me," is all Nadia says. Yeah. That's the least she can do, Nadia. You also might want to mention that you get a couple "your dad's a fuckwit" freebies outta this one.
Hospital Comatose. Oh. This story. I almost forgot about this. Well, now that we're here…Vaughn enters his uncle's room. Dude's out of it. Vaughn gruffly moves toward the bed and starts talking to his uncle. He tells him that he found the diary and he doesn't understand why there are entries made in 1982 when his father died in 1979. He begs his uncle to wake up. "Have you seen him? Has he been here? Is he alive?" he breathes. Nope. Nothing. Dude's not waking up. "Oh!" says a female voice from behind Vaughn. "I'm sorry! I didn't realize he had a visitor. Everything okay?" Vaughn turns, and it's a different nurse. He just says everything's okay and says he needs to talk to Rosemary. "I'm sorry, who?" says the nurse. "Uh, Rosemary, the nurse," says Vaughn. "She's been taking care of my uncle." "I don't recognize the name," she says. "What? That's impossible. She covers the three and ten o'clock rounds," he spits. The nurse looks a little spooked. "Sir? There are no three and ten o'clock rounds." She leaves then, and Vaughn clenches his jaw and looks a whole hell of a lot calmer than a man who's just discovered that his father might be alive and his uncle was possibly being watched over by a ghost has any right to be.
Apple Store. Dix is walking Angela Bassett out. "I trust that you'll remove the tap on Sloane's phone?" she smirks. "Already done," he smirks back. Heh. She asks if the real decoder disk has been turned over and Dix says that it has. She blah blahs something about outside pressure on the task force and how she doesn't want any undue pressure coming from within. Dix is all, yeah, yeah, yeah, but when do I get to see you nekkid? Angie's all, dude? When I asked you to keep an eye on Sloane, I meant it, but, uh, could you not do too much of the illegal stuff anymore? Because that's…that's just never going to end well. "That being said," she says, "neither Sloane nor I are pursuing disciplinary actions at this time." Dix visibly relaxes. "You're an asset to this team," she continues. "So if anything else comes up, be sure to call me." Woo! She kind of sexily smiles at him, and he sees it and answers with his own sexy smile and says, "Anything?" Hee! "Within reason," she smiles. Ha! Angela Bassett exits as Syd approaches a now visibly sexed-up Dix. "That looks like it went well," says Syd, with a totally hilarious "I caught you!" smirk on her face. Dix turns and ignores Syd's blithely accusatory grin. Since Dix doesn't even respond to her face, she quickly says, "I'm glad it's finally over." "Is it?" Dix grits. "We'll see." Oh, man. He's totally not going to drop it. Dude's on the warpath. Seriously.
Sloane's Home Office of Pretty Fishies. Sloane's sitting in front of his laptop, checking out the Blackwell Index. He uses the decoder disk and the screen comes clear. Sloane picks up his phone and calls Jack. "It's working," Sloane says as soon as Jack answers. "Does it have what we need?" Jack asks. "Oh, yes," says Sloane. "And more."
Oh, this is either super-super bad or completely awesome.
on Alias: Syd tries to save some Yeti-looking dude. I think. The preview made NO sense to me. Sorry. I'm probably not drunk enough.