Previously on Alias: Shut up, Sydney.
Saturday afternoon, 2:32 PM. Boddingtons? Check. Guinness? Check. Amstel Light? Check. Cigarettes that you only smoke when you have this many leftover party beers to drink before the week starts so that you don't go sneaking one on a Tuesday night and turn it into a bender that makes you seven hours late for work? Check. Willingness to give this show the benefit of the doubt? Check. Hopefulness that the show will rock as much as it did when first viewed even though second viewing will be used primarily to pick it apart and make fun of things? Check.
This recap brought to you by the makers of fine ales and stouts and the letter "Sark."
Spy Barbie Penthouse. Nadia's relating a sweet story about how she and Weiss were driving along Mulholland and the sun shot through the window right into her eyes and the first thing Weiss did was pop the visor down so that her eyes were shielded and Nadia just thinks that's the sweetest thing anyone's ever done for her, EVER. Syd's all, sun, visor, blah, not listening, want some egg whites? It's actually really funny because Nadia's kind of being romantic and sweet and Syd's all, "I eat bullets for breakfast, okay? ROMANCE IS DEAD." Nadia really likes Weiss (or is pretending too -- I'm still not convinced that Nadia's the Nicest Spy Ever) and thinks he's funny, and all Syd can say is, "He really likes you. You're not gonna break his heart, are you?" Yeah, way to bring the girl down, Sydney.
It would seem that Sydney's far more concerned with Weiss's feelings than Nadia's, and she wants to ensure that Nadia isn't just going to love him and leave him like another Derevko we know. But Nadia really likes him. Their phones ring at the same time and they're called to work. As they run off to put on their spy clothes, we hear Vaughn say to Weiss, "She compared you to ice cream?" The boys are walking into work together (what, do they live together too?) and obviously having the same conversation as the girls. Weiss says that Nadia compared him to vanilla Swiss almond, which, in his estimation, is a reaaaaaally significant flavor. I think mint chocolate chip is a more significant flavor, but that's just me. Weiss says that she told him he was a "big spoonful," and Vaughn is like, and you took that as a compliment? Obviously, he's thinking that Nadia was commenting on Weiss's, erm, heftier stature, but Weiss totally took it as a compliment because he takes everything from her as a compliment because she has that great accent. Heh. Accents, people. They'll win every time. I can get an evening of free drinks just out of my fake Irish accent. Or my fake Scottish accent. Or my fake Southern accent. In fact, my four years of acting training at DePaul University were really only good for one thing: free drinks for fake accents.
Weiss continues to gush that he can't even look at Nadia because she's so pretty and Vaughn is just one big eye-roll at this point because he's all, dude? CALM DOWN. He's just like, Nadia's great and everything but, A) she's pretty, B) she's a spy and C) SHE'S PRETTY. Vaughn, no stranger to the prettiness himself, seems to think that Weiss can't land himself a pretty girl and, I have to say, this shows Vaughn to have NO idea about women whatsoever because, y'all? Funny wins over hot almost every time. Hotness fades over the years, but the ability to make a girl snort beer out her nose on any given Friday night lasts a lifetime. Vaughn warns Weiss to take it slow because, you know, the taking it slow thing has worked SO WELL FOR HIM AND SYDNEY and I thought we were done with the "take it slow" thing but, yeah, I guess we aren't, and Weiss is all, whoa, GRANDMA, what's with the warning? Vaughn brings up one of Weiss's old girlfriends and Weiss is all, dude, that was TOTALLY different and Vaughn is all, how was it different and Weiss is all, THAT girl didn't have an ACCENT and Vaughn is all, dude, when it was over, you were building ships in bottles. Weiss is all, so? Ships in bottles are the bomb. Vaughn's all, you were building many, many ships in many, many bottles over many, many months. Hee.
Weiss is all, that's called a hobby, WINGNUT. Vaughn's all, hobby? You locked yourself in a closet for a month and played Neil Diamond records 24/7. It wasn't right, my man. I'm just looking out for you. Weiss is all, oh, please. To this DAY you probably wonder how I got those ships into those bottles, don't you? DON'T YOU? Oh, and I'd try not lecturing me on "taking it slow," Captain Non-Courageous, seeing as how you and Syd have been dancing around each other for the better part of THREE YEARS and you STILL haven't spent two consecutive nights together, okay, chief? Or that's what Weiss said in the continuation of the scene IN MY HEAD.
Before Vaughn can pull out a relationship pie chart to illustrate just how the Weissadia is never going to work, the girls themselves show up and everyone's all, Hi! Hi! Hello! How's things! Aren't you pretty! Aren't YOU pretty! Et cetera. Syd says that they got called in, but Jack and Sloane haven't emerged from Sloane's office yet. We get a shot of the Elder Apples in Sloane's office and they don't look like they're discussing key lime tart recipes. Finally, the doors sluice open (seriously, there's a definite Star Trekkian "shwoooosh" sound as they open) and Jack and Sloane walk out in slo-mo to a soundtrack of "Strings of Impending Doom." It's actually very funny because Victor Garber is really working the Pursed Lips of Trouble here and the "Holy Batman!" orchestra is going into overtime.
Conference Room of Endless Expositions. Sloane stands before the team and states that his position at the Apple Store is contingent upon one major rule: He can't make contact with a short list of operatives. He makes contact with anyone on this list, and he's out. So, if a mission arises that might involve one of these contacts, Sloane is required to immediately step down and recuse himself from the mission. (Yes, that's a word, Microsoft Spell Check. I suggest you acquaint yourself with dictionary.com, like, now.) That moment has come and, as of now, Jack's in charge. "I would ask your cooperation in not involving me at all," hisses Sloane. "Good luck." He stalks off, raising eyebrows around the table. Weiss is all, so, what? He's not coming back? Syd jumps up with a "Wheee!" and does a double back flip over the conference table. Jack squashes her glee when he informs everyone that Sloane will be back -- but only when this mission is over. Vaughn's all, if Sloane can't touch the case, then why did the CIA assign it to this task force? Jack says it's because of Sydney. It involves someone she's very familiar with: Anna Espinosa. Syd looks shocked. "I thought -- she's supposed to be dead." Jack just looks at her. "So are a lot of people," he kind of smirks. Heh. Irina is SO alive, people. And, shout-out? Because, as we know, no one ever dies on Alias, as I think I've made clear, oh, about TWELVE HUNDRED TIMES NOW. Francie, anyone? Will? Lazaraboomboom? Irina the first time around? Even Sloane himself?
Nadia, speaking for the uninitiated in our audience, asks who Anna Espinosa is. Syd says she's a former Soviet agent who was raised in Cuba which, actually, is an exact reversal of Syd's description from Season One. Way to pay attention, writers. So, whatever, Anna's back in the picture, apparently, because several days ago, the London office intercepted something about a dead drop and surveillance of the drop brought up a picture of Anna Espinosa performing the drop. Jack turns to Marshall, who starts one of his infamous Marshallspiels. He pulled up the files on Anna, revealing that she specializes in close-quarter kills, strangulation, edged weapons, guns, high-level thefts, and security breeches. Damn. She spent six-and-a-half years on Interpol's most wanted list, and, after she left K-Directorate, she went freelance, working for the highest bidder. I'd love to be able to tell you just what K-Directorate was, but when I did a search through the recaps and brought up the earliest mention, there was no description to be had, probably because we were never actually given one. I mean, other than "they are the bad guys."
Marshall brings up another screen, showing the symbol on Anna's hand, and says that she's also one of the Followers of Rambaldi. At this announcement, Nadia looks decidedly ill. Probably the after effects of all the Green Goo™. She gets up to leave as Jack says that Anna is scheduled to meet a contact in Brussels 36 hours from now. Both Syd and Weiss watch as Nadia just…goes to her desk, right outside the conference room. Um. Nadia? I hate to break this to you but, everyone can still see you. If you're going to have a freakout, by all means, have it; just do it in the bathroom or the kitchen like everyone else. And grab me some Cheez-Its™ while you're at it.
Jack, who's about as sensitive as a piece of ahi tuna, just looks at Sydney all, dude? You listening? Syd turns around and says, "You want us to surveil the meet." Jack says that, yes, she, Dixon and Marshall, due to their familiarity with Anna's methods, will be tracking her movements and finding out what the meeting's all about. "If the opportunity should present itself," says Jack, "you're authorized to bring her in. The category of force you choose to exercise will remain…classified." Heh. In other words, you can kick the shit out of her, hit her over the head with a blow-up doll, make her wear a diaper and parade through the Richmond Wal-Mart, and force her to put together an IKEA sofa blindfolded and in the dark, and no one even remotely call you on it.
The troops disperse after learning that they're leaving tonight and they'll have twenty hours in-country to prepare. Syd goes immediately to Nadia and asks if she's okay. "My father pumped me full of electric green plasma, dude. OF COURSE I'M NOT OKAY," she yells. In the scene. In my head. Boddington's is making me hallucinate. Or maybe it's the 'shrooms I got at the dog show. Hm. In reality, Nadia just says she got lightheaded, and Syd suggests they go grab some lunch before she has to leave for Brussels. "I'd love some lunch," says Nadia. "I'm channeling Rambaldi and MAN, can this guy eat!"
Patio of Sisterly Abductions. Syd's relating the story of "The Stadium, The Box and The Key," which I am totally not going to repeat here because that is what links are for. Basically, what we're supposed to learn from this story is that Syd had her mortal enemy right to her and couldn't kill her, which, again, is totally different from what Syd expressed to Vaughn directly after that scene. Syd takes a sip of her iced tea and says that she swore to herself that if she ever had the chance again, she would not hesitate to take Anna out. Syd then asks what's going on with Nadia. And here's where we enter Exposition Café as Nadia delivers a dissertation on "Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Rambaldi…But Were Afraid to Ask." I'll just transcribe it, because it's easier than trying to paraphrase THREE SEASONS OF STORYLINE. "I know only a few things about Rambaldi," says Nadia. "I know he was a prophet, fifteenth century. I know my father was -- is -- I don't know…obsessed with him. Last year, when my father connected me to Rambaldi, I started to hallucinate and…I saw something awful. Sounds and fast images -- they went by quickly, but…there was one vision that felt so real. We were both together, scared and upset, holding guns aimed at each other. And I remember my hands were shaking. And I pulled the trigger. Blood was pouring down your chest, and…I wanted to say I was sorry but you just looked at me as if you'd been expecting it. As if you knew all along…knew I was going to kill you." You get all that? Because my fingers are tired.
Nadia thinks she sounds insane, but Syd's totally with her on this. She starts to say that there's something she's been meaning to share with her sister, but just then a waiter comes up and says there's a call for Sydney, conveniently far, far away from their table. Syd goes to get it and…surprise, it's Anna. She says hullo and tells Syd to turn around. Anna's sitting right to Nadia, and they're looking rather chummy. Just in case Syd's thinking of pulling her gun out and going to town on Anna's head, Anna warns her that any action she might take could result in some snipers putting her ass down. Judging by the circle of red dots now appearing on Sydney's chest, remaining actionless seems to be the best form of action at the moment. There's something that Anna needs Sydney to do for her. Gina Torres's head is about three times the size of Mia Maestro's. It's totally bizarre. Mia's head could actually fit inside Gina's and that's…that's just not right. Anna says that she has been looking forward to working with Sydney again, and we mercifully go to the credits before I can contemplate what other body parts of Mia's would fit nicely inside Gina's.
And now is the time on Alias when we go to the kitchen to get another beer, light the seventh of forty-seven cigarettes, and git down wid our bad selves as the High Troupe of Higgedy-Jiggedy Jukebox Heroes git jiggy wid it.
Spy Daddy's Office of Non-Apple Products. Seriously. He has a laptop with a big red circle over the Apple. Suck it up, Apple, and give this damn show your endorsement. I'm sick of seeing the Random Red Circle of Non-Apple Product all over everything. So, Sydney enters, all frantic that her sister's been stolen by Anna. Anna knew she was going to be intercepted in Brussels (how? Do I care? We're about fifteen minutes from Sark, if my watch is right, so, no, I don't care) and if Sydney doesn't do what Anna says, Nadia's dead. Everyone is scrambling through the Apple Store except Sloane, who's standing in his office as if he's locked in there, unable to get out. Jack heads off somewhere and shoots a glance in Sloane's direction. There is TOTALLY something going on between these two. I don't know what it is, but it's something. And you can quote me on that. And then give me money later when I'm right. I take checks. And money orders.
Conference Room of Endless Expositions. Jack storms in and tells the Appleseed Gang that if they don't meet Anna's demands, she'll kill Nadia, and they have eighteen hours to comply. Vaughn asks what the damn demands are. Sydney pipes up that she's supposed to take the place of Anna at the meet in Brussels and get some package from a dude named Milos Sabine. If Sydney delivers the package to Anna in a timely fashion at a boutique in Beverly Hills, she'll get her sister back, unharmed. Jack spits at Sydney to get the new parameters from Marshall; she's going in as Anna Espinosa. Syd leaves. Jack spits out more orders. Vaughn's supposed to dig up everything he can about Sabine. Vaughn runs off. Weiss is supposed to coordinate with Langley, because they'll need total satellite coverage of the meet. Weiss runs off. Dixon is supposed to organize snipers and full ground support. Dixon runs off. "Wheels up within the hour!" Jack shouts, to…no one, because he's just sent everyone off on their duties. Hee. I love it when Jack commands people and they're not there.
Brussels. Syd's sporting some seriously luscious black eye makeup and walking toward a metro station. Vaughn asks if she sees anyone and she says she sees a white male in his late seventies. They don't have a picture of Milos, but based on his birthdate, this is probably the guy. Syd walks over and sits to him. "This time of year does terrible things to my hair," she says, in a truly terrible Russian/Cuban accent. "Miss Espinosa," says Milos. "How I wish that I were younger." Ew. Syd asks where the package is. Milos hems and haws, saying that what Anna's associates have asked of him is highly valuable. He would like to make sure that he gets his money's worth. Whatever that means. "Are you prepared to…reach your end?" he asks. "I am always prepared," says Sydney.
Milos goes on to say that there's some guy in the west lobby of the Hotel Metropol who's enjoying a nice seventeen-year-old Scot. Oops. Sorry. A nice seventeen-year-old SCOTCH. Excuse me. The man's name is Willem Karg, and Milos shows Syd a picture of him. He's cute. I actually thought he was Will for a moment, but since Bradley Cooper has never been rumored to come back on this show, I quickly discounted my original thought. "This is the man you are to kill," says Milos. "I will require photographic evidence of his corpse, plus what I understand is your keepsake -- his right index finger." Syd looks less than pleased. "I will be sitting on this bench for the forty minutes," says Milos. "Return within that time, and you will get your package. After that…I will not be sitting on this bench." Syd considers this. "Tick-tock, Miss Espinosa," says Milos.
Appleseed Van. Seconds later, Syd's standing over Dix and Vaughn as Vaughn announces that the Hotel Metropol is seven blocks away and Dix announces that they have thirty-two minutes left on the clock. Syd gets on comms and asks Marshall how they're doing on Karg's file. Marshall's sending it, but it's a rather large file. It arrives onscreen and the three of them read it over. Turns out, Karg's not a nice guy. Shocker. The only thing we really need to know is that Karg likes him some hookers. "Wait," says Syd, hearing this hooker tidbit. She flings off her coat, rips the sleeves, collar and lower portion off her dress, grabs a bottle of water and throws it on her hair, and turns herself into a high-class hooker, thereby completing this homage to True Lies, without the benefit of Jamie Lee Curtis.
Syd walks into the Hotel Metropol and requests a room. As the clerk is filling her request, Dixon enters. Syd requests two keys, and the clerk asks if she has any luggage that needs carrying. "No, shank you," she says, in the most atrocious attempt at a French accent I've ever heard. "I'm twavelling light." Dix passes behind her and takes the second key. Syd moves off toward the west lobby bar. Once there, she looks around and spots Karg, sucking up the scotch. She walks up and says, "Willem?" He's all, ya? She's all, doooo yooou know chow chard shit shas been to thfind you? Seriously. Her accent is that bad. But it doesn't really matter, because she speaks the International Language of Boobs.
The Boobs tell Karg that he shouldn't be drinking and that Matteo told them so. Karg is all, how do you know my partner? The Boobs are all, who do you think sent me here, you stupid drunk? The Boobs are Matteo's early birthday present. Syd's boobs continue their seduction of Karg, and the entire scene isn't really that noteworthy, so let's move on to the part where Karg's finger gets cut off. Heh. We cut to Syd's hotel room, where Karg and Boobs are seen entering. Karg moves in to kiss Syd's neck and suddenly he sees Vaughn in the corner and Dixon in the other corner. Heh. Karg freaks out and everyone moves into action. He's all, vat is happening? Syd is all, it's your lucky day, homes. Vaughn is all, you get to live. Karg is all, stop manhandling me! Dix is all, there are people out there who want you DEAD, okay? We're not those people. We're just people who're gonna take your finger. Hee.
There's more scrambling and everyone's trying to grab Karg. Vaughn, Dix, and Syd work like a well-oiled machine as they get Karg into a good position to, um, extract his…finger. As Syd plunges Karg's hand into an ice bucket, we cut to Nadia, who's strapped to a chair somewhere. Nadia seems strangely calm as Anna says, "You look like her. Your mother." Nadia says that Anna shouldn't waste her time trying to bring the scare on. Anna says that Nadia's already scared, so why should she bother trying? "I would be scared too," says Anna. "If I did not understand what this was all about." Anna walks off to assemble some…I don't know, element of torture? No idea. Nadia says that Syd told her all about Anna. She knows enough. "Your sister," says Anna, "she's a curse." Nadia looks at her. "You see what happens, don't you?" says Anna. "To everyone she loves. One day, you will be asked to pay the price. Today, you will feel a little bit of that." Anna lights something that looks like a Bunsen burner, and Nadia looks away in…fear? Anticipation? Boredom? I don't know. She doesn't seem too freaked, is all I'm saying.
Hotel Room of Finger Removal. Karg is pleading for his life. Little does he know that the Appleseed Gang ain't after his life. They're just after his finger and, if he shuts up for a minute, they can get it, and he can go into hiding, as God intended. Dix announces that they have nine minutes left and, as Karg keeps screaming, Vaughn shouts that they should keep him quiet. Syd shoves a napkin in his mouth and, making sure his hands are bound behind him, moves to face him. "Look at me," she says. "LOOK AT ME!" Karg finally does, but he's probably looking at The Boobs. Karg grunts as Syd keeps ordering him to looooook at the boooooobs. Vaughn takes some CIA-sanctioned finger cutters and…chops off Karg's index finger. Dayum. Karg falls down onto the carpet, screaming. As you do. Dix picks up the finger with a napkin and hands it to Syd. Vaughn grabs Karg's fingerless hand and wraps it in a towel. As Karg writhes on the ground, Dix leans over with a vial of fake blood and tries to put a fake bullet hole on his forehead. Karg is all, dude? DUDE! What in the HELL are you doing? Dix is all, dude? Sit still, or I will KILL your ass and make this fake murder REAL, aiiight? Karg sits still long enough to get the fake bullet hole, and Syd grabs a Polaroid camera and snaps the proof shot.
Back on the bench, Milos sees the photo and is pleased by Syd's completion of the task. She hands him the finger, and he coos over it as if it's a damn Fabergé egg. He hands her a silver disk and says that she should let her associates know that "this is the last remaining sample." He says they should treat it as if it were sacred and then he leaves, laughing as he goes. Syd tells the troops that she has the package and she's on her way. Cut back to Anna and Nadia. Anna is pulling something out of the Bunsen burner fire. It looks like a branding iron. "This is a gift," she says. "From me, to you, to Sydney." Anna moves over to Nadia and grabs her hair away from her neck. Nadia lamely struggles. "Every time she looks at you, I want her to think of me." Another Random Blond Guy Who Looks Like Will shows up and grabs Nadia so she won't struggle too much. "And one day," Anna continues, "whether you choose to or not, you will help me…destroy her." Anna moves in, brandishing what appears to be an Eye of Rambaldi branding iron. She places it on Nadia's neck and we actually hear the flesh sizzling. Ew.
Marshall's Garage of Geekiness. Vaughn and Jack are hanging out, trying to not kill Marshall while he blabbles his way through a description of the putty compound that was inside the silver disk Syd brought back from Brussels. Okay, I read this description in the closed captioning, like, seven times, and all I could get from it was that the putty, on its own, is harmless, but, when mixed with certain nerve agents, it mutates the neurotoxins, causing them to self-replicate at a rate that would be, like, historic. I…yeah. That's just…yeah. Whatever. The putty's called the "Dante Compound" (good Lord) and Jack would like Marshall to create a fake in thirty minutes so that Syd can hand it over to Anna at their meet. Marshall is all, oh, surely not, no, I can't possibly -- okay, yeah. I can do that. But, um, before I do that? I'd like to let you know who I think Anna is working for: a fringe terrorist cell called the Cadmus Revolutionary Front. Vaughn is all, yeah, whatever, they're former Covenant. Marshall is all, well, the CRF? They've been trying to acquire the Dante Compound for over a year now. Marshall thinks they're trying to build a chemical bomb. Vaughn tells Jack's shoulder (he's seriously right behind Jack and talking directly into his…shoulder) that he read the Echelon report on CRF and that the CIA doesn't know what their agenda is.
Jack turns to him and says that they have to increase their knowledge base, figure a way to penetrate the CRF and determine their motives. Marshall says that they have someone in custody with CRF connections, considering their Covenant ties and all. "Oh, god," says Vaughn. Heh. That's right, Vaughn. Sark. SARK. But we're not at Sark yet. We have to deal with Syd and her psychosis at the moment. We're in Jack's office and Syd is saying that handing over a fake Dante Compound is a bad idea. Jack thinks that handing over the real compound is a bad idea. Syd thinks her responsibility is to get Nadia back safe and alive. Sloane suddenly appears and agrees with Jack. Syd's all, um, dude? I'm trying to save your daughter. Sloane's all, yeah, but giving over the real compound is an unnecessary risk. "She won't kill her," says Sloane, referring to Anna. "It's not her destiny." Syd rears back. "Please tell me this is not about what I think it is," she says.
Sloane says something about Syd having faith and Syd is all, um, dude? Please tell me that we're not running this mission based on the findings of a fifteenth-century lunatic. She turns to her father and says that Sloane has no authority at the moment and that she knows Anna better than anyone, which is why she was chosen for this mission. "Dad, please, I need to get my sister back," says Syd. Jack just nods at her, and Syd thanks him and leaves. "You shouldn't be here, Arvin," says Jack. Hee. Syd runs into Vaughn and she asks where he's going. He'll tell her later. Hm. He asks when the meet with Anna is. Syd says now. Vaughn assures her that Nadia's going to be okay. Syd just wants the ghosts to go away. "Tell me about it," he says, stalking off. Cut to some shop to Bijan in Beverly Hills. Syd enters as "Makin' Whoopee" plays over the store sound system. She quickly spies Anna, walks directly over to her, and then hands her a purse. Anna takes it without even looking at the contents. Anna then walks around to the other side of a display and Sydney follows, all, dude? My sister? Hello? Anna hands her one of those security car keys and instructs her to wait until five minutes after Anna exits. Nadia's on the fourth floor of the parking structure across the street. Anna turns to Sydney all, do this, or my friends will put a hole in your heart. She even puts her hand on Syd's chest for emphasis. "Get your hands off me," grits Syd. "It was nice, getting to know your sister," says Anna. She caresses Syd's face and…then they fight.
No. Seriously. They fight. All over the damn store. The best part comes when the security guy throws himself at Anna and she's all, meet my ELBOW, dipshit! Syd gets knocked down, but quickly recovers and delivers a couple of choice kicks as "Makin' Whoopee" continues to play. Hee. TiVo would have you know that while some of the major falls were taken by able stuntwomen, the majority of this fight was played out by Jennifer Garner and Gina Torres. Heh. They git INTO it, y'all. Syd gets up on a table and throws Anna down to the floor with a high kick and Anna spies the security car key and grabs it. Syd runs over and grabs her, only to have Anna beat her with a mannequin arm. Hee. Kick. Hit. Grab. Syd gets Anna down on a display table as Security Dork calls in for backup. Syd backs off of Anna. "She can have the blouse," heaves Syd, walking off and picking up her purse. Anna glares at her and moves over with the car key. They exchange the purse for the key again and Anna walks off with the corner of her mouth all bloody. Heh.
Syd runs over to the parking garage and starts hitting the hell out of the security car key. The camera spins around and around and around and…finally, a car "bleep bleeps" in response to the key. Syd runs over and opens up the trunk. Nadia's bound up inside. Syd cuts her sister free and pulls her out. They hug. And we move quickly to the federal penitentiary. This can only mean one thing. Sark. Hold on to your bra straps, girls. Julian's back in town.
Vaughn walks past some prison bars towards Sark's cell and instructs the guard to open the door, even though that's not protocol. "We're old friends," says Vaughn. "Actually," says Sark laconically, "given our shared intimacies with your late wife…I may even go so far as to say that we're family." Hee. God, how I missed him.
Back from break, Sark is basically telling Vaughn that he doesn't care what he's here for, nor does he care much for his jacket and open-collared shirt. Sark's all, hey, glad you're here 'cuz, actually, all my bones are healed from the last time you kicked my ass, so I'm fresh and ready for your bout of aggression. "But before we begin whatever inquisition you're here for," he says, "there is a pesky question that's been lingering in my head." He looks at Vaughn. "Do you mind?" Vaughn, clad in a dark shirt and dark jacket that make my cheeks flame up, says, "Go ahead." Sark, clad only in an orange prison suit that makes me want to be a prison guard who engages in daily strip searches, says, "Was it the infidelity or the espionage that motivated you kill the woman I loved?" Oh, ew. Sorry. But, EW. Sark didn't love Moronen. There's NO WAY he loved her. Because, if he did, I'd have to hate him and…I don't want to think about hating him right now.
Vaughn doesn't think Sark loved her either because he's all, uh, what? The woman you loved? Sark is all, yes, loved. But then he goes on to be all manipulative and shit, saying, "You know, she once actually told me that she longed to love you, but the mundane existence that you provided couldn't hold a candle to my passion --" WHAPP! Vaughn just smacks him down, which, I'm sure, Sark intended. Heh. I don't think Sark loved Moronen at all. I think he likes sticking it to Vaughn in a moment when Vaughn obviously needs him. At least, that's what I'd like to think is going on. "That wasn't for sleeping with the woman I was married to," says Vaughn, adjusting his coat sleeve. "I couldn't care less about her." Heh. "Then what?" asks Sark. "The torture?" Vaughn just sits up straight and says, "This is how it's gonna be, and I'm only gonna give you one shot at this. The CRF -- they've hired Anna Espinosa. They're building a bomb. Why have they made repeated attempts to contact you?" Sark sits up. "And so it's begun." "What has?" asks Vaughn. "Wouldn't you like to know?" says Sark. Hee.
Vaughn is all, uh, yeah. So, you're gonna tell me what's up. And if you're fishing for some pardon agreement, fish in some other river, homie. But I am willing to provide you with some amenities, which will make your life in confinement a wee bit more bearable. If that's even possible. "I see your bargaining skills have gone the way of your manhood," says Sark. Hee. He's in prison, in an orange jumpsuit, and still, he has the presence of mind to kick Vaughn in the balls. You gotta love that. Vaughn's all, oh, lemme rephrase that: I'd be willing to leave you, as you are, and not make your life MORE uncomfortable. Sark is all, oh, you think there's something here you can take away from me? I GOT NOTHING, CLOWN BOY. Vaughn's all, dude? You stonewall me, I'll have you transferred to Alder Penitentiary where you'll be stuck in darkened solitary until the end of days, okay? "Twenty-four-seven in a pitch-black cell with zero human contact is a slow way to die," says Vaughn gruffly. "Especially with all the demons you've got in your closet. And believe me, they will come knocking." "I regret to inform you, Mr. Vaughn," says Sark, leaning back, "I'm not afraid of the dark." Vaughn stands up and sighs, nodding at the prison guard. He looks back down at Sark. "You should be. I'm having you transferred to Alder tonight." Vaughn leaves. Sark looks pretty. As Vaughn walks out, he comes across Jack. "How did he respond?" asks Jack. "As expected," says Vaughn. "We'll send in the surgical team this evening," says Jack. When Jack says anything, ever, about sending in a surgical team, it's never good.
Apple Store. Sydney enters with Nadia, and Weiss is there to greet them. He walks over to Nadia all, what'd she do to you? Nadia's all, I'm okay, really. Weiss is all, you sure? Nadia's all, yes, and I have to go right now. But you're cute. And funny. Trust me on this. It's such a sweet little moment. Aw. Weiss is totally in lurve with Nadia and he's not afraid to show it. Syd and Nadia move forward and…Sloane is there. Oh, ew. He just…ew. He puts his hand on Nadia's face and says he's glad she's all right and…ew. The man is all about the "ew." Sloane thanks Sydney for saving his daughter and she just says that the doctor's waiting.
In the Apple Store medlab, Doc Pineal looks at the Rambaldi burn on Nadia's neck and claims that they'll have to do a skin graft to fix the problem, but they can do it. Syd enters and says that they know who Anna's working for and they're going to track her down. Nadia says that Anna said things about them, that they'll be torn apart. "What does that mean?" asks Nadia. We cut to Sydney's desk, where Syd's telling Nadia about how she requested clearance to Irina's files after she "died." She goes on to say that there was an audio tape of surveillance of a hotel room in Hamburg. On the tape, Irina was talking to a man whose voice was never identified. Irina was describing the symbology of the <O>. Apparently, the outer markings represent Irina's two daughters and the center is the object over which they will do great battle. With each other. "And then Mom went quiet," says Syd. "It was almost like the part was too painful." "Tell me," says Nadia. "Nadia, it's insane." "What?" "According to Rambaldi," says Syd, "only one of the daughters will survive."
Nadia kind of looks off to her left, as if searching for someone with the crazy jackets to come and take her sister off to the happy place. Syd's all, dude? I ain't gonna lie to you. Some of Rambaldi's predictions have come true. I know. I can't believe it myself. So, like, if you wanna go back…Nadia picks up on what Syd's thinking. "To Argentina? Do you believe in all this? Rambaldi?" Syd kind of looks down. "No…but the people who do are dangerous. They're zealots who will stop at nothing to make their visions into reality." And here's where I fall in love with Nadia just a little bit. "Are you kidding me?" she says. "Change my life because some freakshow made a prediction four hundred years ago? Anna contrived to tear us apart to make some ridiculous prophecy come true. But we're together now." Heh. It's the "freakshow" comment that endeared her to me.
Prison Cell of Sleepiness. We hear some hissing and see some vents and we're supposed to understand that sleeping gas or something is spilling down into the cell. We see Sark, passed out on his bunk. His cell door buzzes and a bunch of guys in masks storm in. It looks like the "bunch of guys" is actually Marshall, Vaughn, and Jack. I think. I don't know. They all have masks on. All I know is, Marshall hands Vaughn a gun and it glows and Vaughn plugs something into Sark's neck. Then Vaughn and Marshall leave, and Sark doesn't stir. Later, in Marshall's Garage of Geekiness, Vaughn states that Sark is supposed to be transferred to Alder tonight. Marshall says, "Good. Because the tracking device is in." Vaughn wants to know when the delayed activator goes live. Marshall tells him twenty-four hours. Also, if anyone tries to run a counter-surveillance on Sark, they won't pick up the tracker. He goes on to say that he made another modification to the tracking device: it's packed with a high-density explosive -- just enough to blow off Sark's head in case he tries to go off-book, whatever that means. "You mess with a Friend of Flinkman," says Marshall, "you're messing with Flinkman." Heh. Vaughn is all, uh, good job, dude. And remind me to be nicer to you in the future.
Prison of Hot Inmates. Sark's being walked out in full wrist and ankle chains. He's shoved into the back of a truck and locked in. As Sark rides along in the back, we hear agents "communicating" with base, telling them the status of the prisoner. Suddenly the wheels screech and Sark is basically tossed around in the back of the truck for a sum total of two minutes. No kidding. It's back and forth and SLAM and whoops and SLAM and another whoops and then there's gunfire outside and more SLAMMING and THROWING and did someone have something against David Anders? Because, as far as I can tell, he's been in this episode for about five minutes and all he's done is be kicked all to hell. The truck finally rolls to a stop and the back opens. It's raining now, and some dude yells at Sark to "come viz him" and tosses him the keys to his wrist and ankle chains.
Sark unlocks himself and hauls ass out of the truck. The yelling dude keeps urging him forward, telling him to get into this van. Sark kind of jumps over "dead" bodies in the street and finally gets into Yelling Guy's van. "Alpha, do you copy?" says some voice over comms. The rain beats down and the camera moves in to the window of the prisoner transport vehicle, where the driver is supposedly dead. "Do you copy?" The wipers on the window move down once, twice, and the driver opens his eyes, totally aware. Heh. This whole thing was an Apple Store set-up. Nice.
Jack's Office. Syd knocks and then enters. She says that chatter picked up on a meet between the CRF and some dude named "Vorich" at the Shilanost Chemical Labs in Estonia. Jack is all, dude? Shilanost is NOT on our radar. Syd is all, yeah, it's a long shot, but if Anna is there, it'd be our best shot at getting her back in our sights. Jack gets up out of his chair and tells his daughter to take Nadia with her, and to go for observation only. He's all, dude? This is a surveillance, not a boxing match, okay? "Can I trust you to maintain your professionalism?" he asks. Syd kind of slyly smiles and says, "She brings out the worst in me, Dad, but, yes, of course." Syd pauses. Jack's all, what? Syd's all, Anna never even checked the sample. Jack's all, yeah, well, Marshall never thought he could make a decent fake anyway. Syd's all, you were right. I was stubborn. I didn't need the real deal after all. "You trusted your instincts to ensure the return of a fellow agent, a member of your family, and you succeeded." Syd kind of acknowledges this and looks down.
Van of Fake CRF Protocol. The guy who got Sark out of the transport vehicle is now yelling at him to go and take a provided motorcycle to CRF headquarters, pronto! Sark puts on a helmet and gets on the motorcycle and drives off. The fake CRF guy tells the Apple Store that Tango is in motion. Back at base, Jack tells Vaughn and Marshall that Sark will lead them to the CRF. For now, they wait. Marshall, always hungry, says, "Who want to order Chinese? I'm starving." No response. "Thai? Indian?" Um, Marshall? You guys don't exist. I'm thinking that "ordering in" is a foreign concept 'round these parts.
Elsewhere at the Apple Store, Sydney's rampaging through the halls and Sloane catches her. He says something about Sydney and Nadia going after Anna. Syd's all, um, aren't you supposed to NOT be talking to me right now? How 'bout we stick with that program, huh? I'm fairly fond of it. She continues stalking off. Sloane says something about Anna's beliefs and the lengths she'll go to because of them. Syd turns back, all, uh, you wanna talk about beliefs, GREEN GOO BOY? Because we can, if you're up for it. "From where I'm standing," she says, stepping closer to him, "it was your madman obsession with Rambaldi that dragged me and Nadia into this endless pit of confusion. So given that, let me ask you, what is it you believe?" Sloane looks decidedly uncomfortable. "I believe that if the two of you go out on this mission, and Anna Espinosa has her way, that only one of you will return home…alive." Ron Rifkin manages to stick some emotion into about every other word, making it seem like Sloane really cares about these two girls. Syd's not buying it, though, because she just storms off with a raised eyebrow or two.
Conference Room of Endless Expositions. Dix, Jack, Vaughn, Weiss, and Marshall are all sitting around, waiting for Sark's tracker to kick in. Weiss is all, are you SURE you put the tracker in properly? Marshall's all, dude? It's me. Jack is all, I can't stress how important it is to locate CRF headquarters. Marshall's all, um, why is everyone picking on me? Seriously. This is a hard job. Suddenly, Sark's tracker goes hot. Marshall picks it up in South Africa, Johannesburg, to be exact. Everyone moves into action. Jack walks out and…comes across Sloane, standing in the middle of the hallway, like…well, like the golem that he is, actually. Jack stops. He tells Sloane that Syd and Nadia are in Estonia, tracking Anna, Dixon is leading a team to Johannesburg to raid CRF headquarters, and this should all be over soon. Sloane just says "thank you," and Jack walks off.
Johannesburg. Dix is leading a team into a building. Agent Sean, backing him up, says they'd rather take out data on CRF, not prisoners, whatever that means. A bunch of black-clad CIA folk parade into the building and…come upon Sark, sitting on top of a cafeteria table with a bottle of Grande Dame. "Gentlemen?" he says, popping the cork. "Were you expecting a bigger party?" He takes a swig from the champers and smirks at them. "This isn't CRF headquarters," grits Vaughn. "You're a genius," retorts Sark. Heh. Vaughn asks where they are and Sark says that they're nowhere in particular, just in a nice place for a chat. Sark -- as always, completely in control of the situation -- gets up and walks toward Vaughn. "I will help you locate CRF leadership but, as always, you must do something for me in return." "Why the charade?" asks Vaughn. "If you were going to cooperate, why run at all?" "For the bubbly, of course," says Sark, taking a swig. Oh, please. OH, PLEASE. I appreciate that Sark is back, but did they have to turn him into a complete and utter Hannibal? Unless he had a goddamn gasmask on, there is NO WAY he could have survived the sleeping potion, okay? NO WAY. And yet, here he is, blithely drinking champagne and saying that he's more than happy to cooperate with the CIA, in exchange for…certain things. Yeah. This entire plotline made no sense to me whatsoever, but it involved Sark, so all I have to do is just sit here and drool and forget that such a thing as "plot" ever existed.
Estonia. Syd and Nadia are early. "Who says girls can't make it anywhere on time?" quips Syd. Heh. Syd tells Nadia to get comfortable, but just then, an elevator door dings. The girls move forward to some glass doors. They see Vorich exiting an elevator. Syd says, "All right, one down, one to go. Where are you, Anna? Come on." Seconds later, both Syd and Nadia move further into the building. They stop and see Vorich, checking his watch. Anna appears and throws something around Vorich's neck, choking him. "Let's take her," says Syd. "Bad idea," says Bradley Cooper Clone #2. Seriously. Who IS this guy? He looks like a bad carbon copy of Will. They couldn't get Anna a dark-haired henchman with facial hair? The sisters turn and look at Not Even Close To Being As Cute As Bradley Cooper. Or, as I shall refer to him from now on, "NBC" -- "Not Bradley Cooper." "I was looking forward to spending more time --" says NBC before Nadia kicks his gun out of his hand. The sisters gang up on him and he's down for the count. Syd looks over at Vorich and sees Anna taking a tube or something off his body. "Vorich had the VX gas on him," says Sydney. Did I miss something? What in the HELL is the VX gas? All Syd said about this meeting was that Vorich worked at some chemical plant. Whatever. According to Google, VX gas is easily absorbed into the body and highly toxic and deadly, so I suppose this all has to do with the Dante Compound that Anna got her hands on. Syd runs off in pursuit of Anna and the gas.
Nadia, meanwhile, has to deal with NBC. He's up now and they're…well, they're fighting. Nadia manages to get the clip out of his gun and then she gets him to shoot the one bullet still in the gun at some partitions. NBC doesn't really need the gun, however, 'cuz he has this nice shiny knife. Elsewhere in Estonia, Anna's running down some stairs. Syd runs after her. Nadia and NBC continue to fight and TiVo shows me that Mia Maestro can deliver some really awesome kicks. NBC slices her with his knife, but she whips off her belt and somehow nabs the knife and throws it right back at NBC and…plunges it right into his gut. He grunts, looking at the knife in his chest, unbelieving. Elsewhere, Syd stalks Anna. Her gun is out and she's getting ready to shoot. Shots are fired near Syd's head and Syd takes cover. Seeing Anna run away, Syd shoots again, some more.
Back with Nadia and NBC, Nadia shoves the knife in further, asking NBC why the CRF is assembling the bomb and what do they have planned? "It's no use," says NBC. "You're too late." "Tell me!" says Nadia, shoving the knife in even further. NBC whispers something. Nadia leans down to hear. Again, elsewhere, Syd keeps running around, her gun out. Nadia gets up and puts the fallen magazine back in the gun. She runs off. We get a shot of a video camera up on a wall, so I'm thinking that Nadia's little "discussion" with NBC hasn't gone unnoticed. Syd moves toward Anna. She moves. She sees a shadow. She moves forward and points her gun. Nadia comes out at the same moment and points her gun. Luckily, they don't shoot each other. "Oh my god," says Syd. "I thought you were --" "Anna," says Nadia, completing her thought. And BOOM! A shot rings out. A figure, supposedly Anna, runs off. Nadia looks down and pulls her left hand out from behind her back. It's covered with blood. She looks at Syd and…falls to the ground.
Syd falls down with her and props her head up. "Oh, god, Nadia. Oh, god. Don't be scared. I'm right here, okay? It's okay. Stay with me. Just breathe. Just stay with me." Nadia starts fading. Sydney makes her best effort to keep Nadia awake, to no avail.
on Alias: Nadia's not dead. She's just in a coma. In case you were worried. Nice play, ABC. Way to make us TUNE IN TO THE EPISODE.