Previously: Syd played doctor with Kelly MacDonald and all she got to show for it was a vial of stuff that freeze-dries people. Vaughn played a hot priest and made most of the females watching the show call up their local parish to see if they have any newbie priests fresh off the monastery who might be interested in "taking confession" with a very lapsed Catholic. Or maybe that was just me. Oh, and Nadia found a picture of herself dressed up to look like it was 1965 and somehow she thought it was a young Irina and she went around questioning everyone about the baby in the picture and…that storyline went nowhere because no one really knew who it was, even Jack, who basically lied and said it was Irina's niece or some shit. All in all, previously on Alias was a damn good time.
We start with a guy who has nothing to do with the Apple Store. He's sitting in his car, saying something in Russian to someone on the other end of a headset. What's he saying? I don't know. The captioning was not kind enough to provide any translation for me so, you know, we're starting off this episode with a bang. I mean, I was once a spy and speak seventy-two languages, but I'm drinking a Red Stripe at two in the afternoon on a Saturday, and for some reason, Russian is just slipping my mind at the moment. Also, the captions don't inform me who this guy is (and we find out later anyway) so, since the dude playing the Russian guy is the same guy who played "Sergei" on that early episode of Friends where Phoebe made Monica go out with Sergei's translator so that Phoebe and Sergei could get it on, I will henceforth be calling Russian Guy "Sergei." Hope that's all right with everyone. What's that? It's not? Shhhh. I can't hear you. I have beer in my ears.
Okay, so, in this scene, Sergei watches some dudes with guns. Then a truck pulls up and Sergei races into action. He screeches up, runs a guy over, then kills everyone else within a five-mile radius. Then he gets out, goes to the truck, opens the back, opens a safe and, inside, is some bizarre-looking device I've never seen before. He takes it, carefully places it in a silver suitcase, and drives off. We see him driving down Wisteria Lane. He pulls into a driveway and his perfectly groomed wife greets him by sweetly telling him he's late. Sergei has changed out of his device-stealing clothes and is now wearing a plaid oxford shirt. He kisses his wife, and they head inside with their arms around each other. The Horns of These People Are Actually Really Bad But You Won't Find That Out Until Later kick into hyperdrive.
We leave Sergei and head over to the Ovary Electric, where a double date is already in progress. Agent Sean is very cutely trying to explain the exciting game of bowling to Nadia, who doesn't really get the point of knocking over a bunch of pins at the end of a lane. I don't really either, but if you drink enough beer while you're doing it, you wind up not caring whether you get it or not. This could also be said of the program Lost, boyfriends, The Rule of Five, calculus and any movie written by Charlie Kaufman.
Vaughn hassles Agent Sean about being a bad bowler and there's some more cute interaction between the couples. The gist of the scene is that Nadia states they have bowling in Argentina, so she knows what it is, she's just not sure it's any fun. Weiss disagrees, saying that she's never had a true bowling experience, complete with glow-in-the-dark pins, all-you-can-eat hot dogs after ten, and bad disco music piped in while you play. And to that I say, "Amen, Brother Weiss!" So Weiss wants to prove to Nadia how fun bowling is by taking everyone on an impromptu bowling excursion. Nadia seems up for it, but Grandpa Vaughn and Grandma Syd have to stay home 'cuz it's a school night and they have to go and save the world tomorrow. "Guys, you don't have to analyze everything you do," says Weiss. "You can just decide to have fun. It's okay." "We're fun," says Syd, cocking an eyebrow at Vaughn. Heh. "Hey, look," says Vaughn, "it's Wednesday night. We're not going bowling. We have a show to do. Or have you forgotten that Alias is on Wednesdays now?" Weiss hasn't forgotten, he just doesn't care, so he and Nadia head out to go bowling.
"We don't analyze everything we do," says Syd. "Do we?" Hee. "No," says Vaughn, totally knowing that they actually do analyze everything they do. "No, we don't. And besides, we agreed to take things slow." Yeah, "taking it slow" has nothing to do with bowling, Vaughn. Or do you think that the aphrodisiacal properties of disco bowling are so powerful that you'll be compelled just to throw Syd down on Lane 10 and make sweet love to her right after you hit a strike? "We're choosing not to be spontaneous," says Syd. "Exactly," says Vaughn. And then their cell phones ring. "And that's why they call us when something's wrong," says Vaughn as they both answer their phones. Hee hee hee.
Apple Store. Sloane and Jack are dressed as if they've been there all day (I honestly don't think they ever leave the place) and Syd and Vaughn enter in their casual leathers. It would seem that the device Sergei stole was an electromagnetic weapon. Marshall says it's really super-duper-bad and asks Syd if she knows what an electromagnetic pulse does. Syd's seen The Matrix and Ocean's Eleven, so she knows that it destroys electronic equipment and fries circuitry. Well, if the stolen electromagnetic weapon were to go off, everything within a ten-mile radius that contains electronic parts, like computers or car radios, will be fried. So, like, if a terrorist were to detonate this thing in a major city, casualties would be extreme, due to all the, like, electronic shit being thrown down and whatever. And, even better, this thing isn't just a one-time performer. It has a repeatable core. Dix explains that you could set it off and take down Hell-Lay and then cruise up to San Francisco on the same day and hit it as well.
Syd asks who the thief is and Sloane informs her that it's Sergei, formerly of the KGB, currently of something called the October Contingent. They're Russian ultra-nationalists. I didn't even know such a thing existed. And, no, I'm not Googling it. Googling is reserved for things like actor's names and gossip about celebrity relationships. So, whatever, the October Contingent is looking for new recruits. Sloane brings up a picture of a man and a woman who were picked up by German authorities. They were attempting to smuggle weapons through a customs checkpoint. The couple, whose names are Dimitry and Ilyana Tabokov, is suspected to be Chechnyan mercenaries, and they revealed during their interrogation that the October Contingent has tried to recruit them.
So, Syd and Vaughn are tasked with the assignment of impersonating the Tabokovs and infiltrating the October Contingent. Once inside, they have to identify the group's objective and confiscate the electromagnetic weapon. To make things difficult, they can't communicate with the Apple Store because any attempt to do so might cost them their lives. Luckily, Marshall's invented a wristwatch that won't set off any counter-surveillance alarms but will, when activated, give the Apple Store the GPS coordinates of their exact location. Oh, and they can send short burst transmissions, like images, without getting detected. Sloane tells them that if the Apple Store finds out their cover's been blown, he'll send them the abort signal and they'll have to hightail it outta there. Their plane leaves in an hour. Good luck. Oh, and bring us back some borscht!
Moscow. Syd and Vaughn are walking along a rainy street, huddled under an umbrella. A van pulls up, blocking their way. Sergei's in the van and he asks them, in Russian, if this is the road to the Red Square. Syd answers, also in Russian, that he should just keep going because, eventually, all roads lead to Red Square. Sergei drops the Red Square charade and asks them directly if they've heard of his little project. Vaughn answers, in Russian, that they've heard the project pays well. Sergei requires a commitment. Vaughn requires payment. Sergei asks how their English is and Syd hilariously responds in a really bad broken Russian accent that they're able to get by. Sergei asks if she can speak without the accent and Syd immediately drops it and asks him what he wants her to say. "I think that'll do just fine," says Sergei, also with no accent. You know, I had a Russian acting teacher in college; she'd been in this country probably fifty years by the time I took her class and, I gotta tell ya, she STILL had her accent. I'm not doubting that the accent can be intentionally disappeared or anything, but I think it'd be a LOT harder than they're making it seem here. That being said, I should probably have another beer. It'll make the rest of this episode go much smoother.
Sergei invites Syd and Vaughn into the back of the van. As they get to know each other, we check in with Marshall and Jack, who are monitoring their movements via satellite. Marshall says that the only thing in the immediate area is a city that's about twelve hours away, some farmland, some tundra, some turnips. Heh. Jack orders Marshall to let him know the second the van stops moving. Back with the van, Sergei tells Syd and Vaughn that his buddy is going to take some pictures of them for the project. Syd says something about how the project involves them speaking English without accents for some reason. Sergei says they have to establish new identities for them both and something tells him that David and Karen Parker don't spend a lot of time speaking in the Russian tongue. He hands them passports with their new identities on them and says, "Don't worry. We'll go over everything when we get to Liberty Village. In the meantime, just sit back and enjoy the ride. You just became Americans." Since he didn't actually say the title of the show, I'm not sure this counts, but I'd like to go ahead and remind everyone of a tradition I vowed to start back in the first episode of the season and say, HUZZAH! ["And I'd like to express my horror at the fact that Alias is ripping off an eighties Travolta comedy with this plotline, but I'm laughing too hard. At his mullet." -- Sars]
Sergei's buddy doctors up some pictures of Syd and Vaughn, ostensibly for background purposes, and he puts Syd's face on a hot bod with a surfboard and puts Vaughn's face on a scuba diver. Ah. The power of Photoshop. Syd and Vaughn watch warily. Back at the Apple Store, Jack walks into Sloane's office as Sloane is saying that he wants to know more about the October Contingent. So he wants Jack to reach out to some guy named Alexei Vassilyvich. Jack makes a face. "Any objections?" Sloane asks. "He'll want something in return," is all Jack will say. Sloane then says something about how he can task another agent with this assignment, you know, if Jack has a problem with it. Jack's all, dude? I simply questioned whether or not it's prudent to involve this guy at this time, you know, considering… We don't get to hear what Jack's going to say because Sloane's phone rings. It's Marshall, telling Sloane that he's going to want to see something, like, now.
Marshall meets the Daddy Duo in the Conference Room of Endless Expositions and says that he thinks he found something. The van carrying Syd and Vaughn left the highway and seems to be headed for a facility called "Suberov 13." It's a military area that was supposed to have been abandoned in the late seventies, but now it has perimeter patrols and manned gun emplacements along the access roads and active airfields. Not so abandoned, huh? Marshall brings it up on the multiple viewing screens and, in the aerial shots, it looks just like any other modest suburban enclave. Is it military housing? If it is, it ain't like any Jack's ever seen. "Is that a swing set?" asks Marshall. "Looks like my neighborhood." Yes. Yes, it does, Marshall. If your neighborhood threw a block party with the theme of "Shoot Yer Neighbor."
Spysteria Lane. Sergei's Van of Fake Americans pulls into the driveway of a house. Everyone gets out and goes inside. Sergei says that Syd and Vaughn have to engage in an initiation of sorts. In the living room, a group of Fake Americans are having wine and waiting for the new recruits. Sergei introduces Syd and Vaughn as Karen and David Parker, and everyone beams and acts like they're just having a potluck or something. "Welcome to the neighborhood," says Sergei, smiling down on his perfect wife. Syd and Vaughn smile at each other. And we sort of…blandly go to credits.
And now is the time on Alias when we pour another beer, light another cigarette that we really shouldn't be having because we're still getting over the flu, tease our hair, throw on a miniskirt, and shake our groove thang to the B-side remix of "I'm Just A Spy In The House Of Love."
Back at Spysteria Lane. Sergei's telling Syd and Vaughn that the town's officially known as "Training Sector 56B," but everyone started calling it "Liberty Village" back in the mid-'80s. "So this is a government operation," says Syd. "It was a government operation, Karen," says Sergei, pouring them some drinks. "It's a private enterprise now. Which is fine with us, because it gives us the freedom to do our jobs." Syd wants to know what their actual job is. Sergei says their job, for the moment, is to prove that they fit in. They're under evaluation because the Contingent needs to make sure that they can pass for Americans. From this point on, everything they do should be considered a test.
Sergei brings them into the party in order to make some formal introductions. Syd hits something on her watch and follows the men into the other room. Back at Apple Store, Marshall tells Sloane that Syd's transmitting. We go back to Spysteria Lane as Syd and Vaughn are meeting the other Spyneighbors. Syd holds up her watch and grabs a good photo of the first couple. Marshall gets to work on identifying them. The first couple Marshall IDs, the Spyneighborsteins, are actually terrorists (no!) and they were responsible for a bombing that killed 47 people. Imagine that. The magic number 47 rearing its head once again. Nice.
Syd and Vaughn continue through the rest of the Spyneighbors and, well, I'm not going to bother making up names for all of them, okay? Suffice it to say, they're all former terrorists or spies or baddies and now they're wearing pearls and tweed jackets and pretending to be Americans. The final couple that Syd and Vaughn meet, the McSpyneighbors, just moved in a few days ago, so they're almost as new as Syd and Vaughn. Sergei introduces them to his wife, Diane, who happens to be the former interrogator at the Markova Detention Center. Diane has one of the doctored photos of Syd and Vaughn in her hand. It shows Syd and Vaughn in Rome. Diane then asks how long ago they were in Rome and Syd and Vaughn have to go into improvisation mode and chat about their fictional trip to Rome. They do a great job, but Sergei and Diane give them a critique right on the spot, saying they can do a lot better. "But don't worry," says Sergei, "we're not gonna kill you for a bad story." "Not on the first night anyway," says Diane, laughing fakely.
Apple Store. Sloane wants to know why the October Contingent is associating with known terrorists, mercenaries, and thieves. "More importantly," says Marshall, "why are they all dressed up like the Cleavers?" Heh. Dixon surmises that they're using the facility as a training ground for some upcoming operation. No, ya think? Actually, I think they're just planning a tenth anniversary party for Betty and Carl O'Spyering, and they want everything to turn out perfectly. Jack pipes up that there's no way a terrorist group could gain access to facilities like this without some sort of state sponsorship. Well…duh. I mean, unless Russia is in the habit of just…forgetting about huge training facilities on the outskirts of Moscow with the capability to turn out large numbers of Fake Americans for the sole purpose of infiltrating suburbs all over the United States. I'm thinking the Russians are a leeeetle more careful than that, Jack.
Sloane orders Jack to talk to Alexei and leaves the negotiations to his discretion. Well, that's never a good idea. Dix asks if they should hold off on the abort code and Sloane says they should, but that they should also keep a keen eye on the situation, as it could turn bad at any moment. Back on Spysteria Lane, Mrs. Spyneighborstein is handing Syd a big-ass casserole. "Just enjoy," says Mrs. Spyneighborstein. "We'll later go over the recipe." There's a distinct chill in the air and someone clears their throat. Mrs. Spyneighborstein looks nervous and then says, "We'll go over the recipe later." Heh.
Everyone says goodnight, except for Sergei and Diane. She turns to Syd and Vaughn and says that it's a lot to take in for one night, isn't it? Syd's all, it's different from our usual jobs. Diane assures them that they're doing great. Oh, except for the fact that they're cold and distant and don't seem like they're a real couple. Ouch. Sergei instructs them that, as Americans, they're supposed to show more affection toward each other. He then hands them a pie pan covered in foil and tells them they have homework. "You want us to eat this pie?" asks Syd in a dry tone. Heh. "It's a little welcome gift," says Sergei. "Open it up." Syd does, and inside is an unassembled gun. "Are you familiar with the new Tokorev?" asks Sergei. Vaughn isn't. "Get familiar," says Sergei. "You'll need it tomorrow. And make sure you can assemble it in under twenty seconds." "And don't forget to put [Mrs. Spyneighborstein's] casserole in the fridge," says Diane. "That third layer's…tuna." Ew. Tuna casserole is NEVER good. And I love tuna. But cooking tuna? In combination with other ingredients? Why, that's just wrong. These people really ARE terrorists!
Sergei and Diane say their goodnights and leave. Syd turns to Vaughn. "Huh," she eloquently says. "Yeah," he smartly volleys back. Seconds later, they're both in the upstairs bathroom, turning on every faucet they can get their hands on, in order to have a private discussion about their current situation. Syd's all, what in the HELL is going on? Vaughn's all, dude! It's like a nightmare! With military security! That we're trapped in! Syd's all, why would they go to this much trouble? Vaughn's all, they must be planning an attack. Syd's all, what, on suburbia? Hee. Vaughn's all, hey, I don't write this shit, you know. Maybe it's a long-term infiltration or something. Syd's all, why steal the EMP if it's long-term? Vaughn's all, why train operatives to be Americans if it's short-term? There's more back and forth about the situation and none of it's particularly important until we get to: "What'd they expect us to do, just drop and go at it on the floor?" hisses Syd. "If one more person calls us boring --" says Vaughn. "He didn't call us boring, he called us cold," says Syd. She stops. "Who thinks we're boring?" Vaughn stops and looks at her. "Nobody. That's not the point." Hee. Vaughn wants to know how they should proceed. Syd just says they have to assume that Sergei's tracking their every move, so they have to maintain cover and act like they have nothing to hide. In the meantime, Syd's going out to do some reconnaissance, to see if she can find the EMP, and Vaughn's going to start on their Tokorev homework.
Syd goes for a reconnaissance jog and she runs like a girl. Well, yeah, I know she's a girl, but she really runs like…a girl. Look. I don't want to criticize the way Jennifer Garner runs, if this is, indeed, how she runs, but it looks like she's holding a grapefruit in each hand and has a spring attached to her ponytail. I'm not a runner (I only run when chased), but when I have managed to run, you can bet yer ass I don't look like I'm about to have a spasm in front of the White Hen on Lawrence Avenue. Let's just assume (and hope) that Syd's running this way on purpose and move on.
So, Syd runs like a girl. Vaughn practices with the gun. Syd runs. Vaughn practices. His initial time is thirty-five seconds. Syd stops at a streetlamp, hits a button on her watch, and pretends to check her pulse. Back at the Spy House of Love, Vaughn's still practicing. In case you were worried, he manages to get the assembly time down to twenty seconds. Back with Syd's Spaz Run through Spysteria Lane, she pauses outside Sergei and Diane's place. She runs up to a tree on their property and peeks in through the front window. Diane's holding a cannon and wearing an eyepatch. Okay, no. She's just sitting at a table. But it doesn't matter, because just then, Sergei walks up and asks if Syd needs some help or something. Syd turns and improvises that she wanted to drop by and thank Diane for a bath salt kit she left for them. "How'd you know this was our house?" asks Sergei coldly. "Your name's on the mailbox," says Syd smartly. Nice save.
"Are you out for a jog?" asks Sergei. No, dumbass. She's planting tulip bulbs for the upcoming spring season. Can't you see the shovel in her hand? Yes. Of course she's JOGGING. Syd says something about how she needed to clear her head, and Sergei states that it was also a good chance for her to do some reconnaissance work. Syd just acknowledges this statement with a subtle nod. Sergei wants to know what Syd thinks of their little town. Syd mentions the strong perimeter security and armed patrol -- no one gets in and, well, no one gets out. The obvious lack of security within the town itself suggests heavy surveillance, security cameras in all the streetlights, and, in this immediate area, judging from the power lines, one of the houses across the street is a guard station. Sergei backs this up by saying that, with the first sign of trouble, they sound the alarm, lock down the streets, and get the snipers into position to fire at any hostiles. "It's our version of the Neighborhood Watch Program." Wish we had that program in my neighborhood. There's a guy who lets his dog bark all night long about two doors down that I'd like to see handled by this Neighborhood Watch.
So, threat issued, Sergei goes back inside and Syd heads back to the Spy House of Love. Vaughn asks Syd how her run went and she says it was great and that she ran into Sergei. They act as if they're being watched which, of course, they are. By Diane. She's watching them on several monitors. Sergei enters the viewing room. Diane tells him that the happy couple is well-trained and guarded in their communications. Sergei tells Diane that Syd showed initiative and managed to maintain composure during a stressful moment. Diane thinks they've found some viable prospects. Sergei says they'll find out tomorrow. The Horns of Damn, They Really Are Bad People After All, Just Like We Warned You Earlier slam over the soundtrack.
After the break, Jack goes to see Alexei. Alexei knows all about Liberty Village; the Russians trained some of their best operatives there. Jack wants to know if the government is still running ops out of it. Alexei just says that it really depends on how you define government. Jack says he has assets within the facility who may require extraction assistance. Alexei's all, dude? This ain't some fringe group you're dealing with. They may not be government-sanctioned, but there are definitely some higher-up dudes who approve of their actions. Jack wants to know what Alexei wants in return for his assistance. Alexei's all, well, now that you mention it, there is something I have in mind…
Spysteria Lane. Sergei walks up to the Spy House of Love and rings the doorbell. Syd answers the door wearing KimberBree's argyle sweater and pearls, and Sergei kisses her hello. Vaughn comes downstairs and he and Sergei are wearing the same blue polo shirt. It's not really as humorous as Sergei pretends it is, considering that their entire clothing supply probably comes from the SuperAmericaMart up the street. ["Vaughn's 'I just ate a bug' expression throughout this scene, however, is hilarious." -- Sars] They all head out. As they walk through the streets, Sergei tells Syd and Vaughn that they have a movie theater, a working gas station, and even a bowling alley. Syd's all, uh, why would the government need people to bowl? Sergei's all, to make us think that Nadia was trained here, of course! Actually, he just says something about how Soviet agents in the fifties were getting burned because they couldn't grasp the culture, so a bowling alley was created. Sergei then turns and offers the couple a gift of an engagement ring for Syd and a wedding ring for Vaughn. "I figured that might help with your…intimacy issues," snarks Sergei. Heh. Syd and Vaughn put on the rings.
Apple Store. Jack is in Marshall's Den of Geekiness. He opens up a steel box and hands Marshall a book. Marshall's all, aw! You shouldn't have! Jack's all, yeah, I didn't. Irina collected nineteenth-century literature and, when he was in Prague, Jack would stop by this small bookshop and buy her some first editions. "Oh," says Marshall, totally missing the point, "that's sweet." Jack ignores him and says, "The KGB encoded assassination orders in these pages." "Oh," says Marshall, "well, that's not as sweet." Heh. Jack goes on to say that the NSA deciphered all the codes in Irina's books but that now, Alexei, Irina's former resident chief, just asked for them back. "Which means there's something in here which the NSA overlooked," says Jack. "Find it." He walks off and leaves Marshall to his task.
Spysteria Lane. Sergei walks Syd and Vaughn into a fake used car dealership. This whole scene is relatively useless save for one sweet moment, so I'll do my best to brush past the useless shit and highlight the sweet stuff. Syd and Vaughn are tasked with buying a convertible. They'll be evaluated on tons of stuff while they pretend to buy the car. A fake salesman shows up and starts shilling every car but the convertible. Vaughn's all, uh, actually, Phil, we're here to buy a convertible. Phil's all, you sure about that? Because we only have one convertible, and it's a pretty fast car. "That's how we live, Phil," says Syd with no expression. "Fast." Hee.
There's more shilling and conversation about the car. It's all very cute and Syd and Vaughn do a good job of pretending to be suburban Americans, but nothing's all that interesting until Phil asks Syd how Vaughn asked her to marry him. Syd's momentarily at a loss. "He…took me to--" "Santa Barbara, actually," says Vaughn, stepping up to deliver the goods. Syd smiles at him and continues to smile and be amazed for the rest of Vaughn's speech. "I had this whole romantic weekend planned," he continues. "Presidential Suite at the Biltmore, candlelit dinner on the cliffs overlooking the ocean. So we went into town, and she wouldn't stop talking about the zoo. So, we went to the zoo. Figured I'd get it over with." Vaughn gets out of the car and looks down at Syd. "Then I saw how happy it made her. It made me forget about all my stupid plans. And here we had a personal chef, making this unbelievable meal at the hotel…but…I proposed on one knee in sawdust in front of a giraffe with a crooked neck." Syd is staring seriously at Vaughn, knowing that, if she hadn't been attacked by Francinator and then vanished for two years, this story may very well have been a reality.
Phil says he can't resist young love, so he wants to sit down and make a deal. We see Syd and Vaughn, sitting to each other in front of Phil's desk as Phil goes off and pretends to do magic with the down payment numbers. Syd looks long and hard at Vaughn. "What?" he asks. Syd's about to answer when Phil comes back and blah blahs something about the newlywed rate. There's one small problem. Another couple wants the car. It's the McSpyneighbors from earlier and they're under evaluation as well and, this being America, things are being decided with a good old-fashioned competition. Only this ain't no pie-eating competition. No. It's a gun-assembly-kill-the-other-guys competition. The winning couple gets to move on in the program and also gets a brand-new convertible and the losing couple…dies. Phil opens up a suitcase with the Tokorev inside and gets the hell out of the way because the other salesman, well, he gave the McSpyneighbors a head start. Phil runs off and Syd and Vaughn move into action as they see the McSpyneighbors are already in the process of assembling their gun. Both teams work together to frantically assemble their guns.
What follows is an action sequence that I'm not even going to TRY to recap, because it's kind of all over the place and, really, you know who's going to win, don't you? I mean, everyone assembles their guns, then shooting starts, then there's running around, fighting, hitting, more shooting, then Syd jumps into the convertible after grabbing the gun, more fighting, more shooting, more fighting, then Syd shoots Mrs. McSpyneighbor dead. Oops. No convenient knives to fall upon around here, huh, Syd? She looks up and sees Vaughn still fighting with Mr. McSpyneighbor. Quickly, she manages to find the keys to the convertible, starts it up, and revs the engine. Vaughn hears the engine and maneuvers Mr. McSpyneighbor into Syd's path as she bolts the car down off the dais and right into the guy. She stops, calls to Vaughn to get in, and they drive off.
Later, at the Spy House of Love, Syd and Vaughn are in the bathroom again, discussing the day's events. Syd's transmitter watch is totally dead. Vaughn says that protocol says they should try to contact the Apple Store in some way. But, they both agree, even if they had access to communications now that they're part of Liberty Village, if they're discovered while trying to communicate, they could wind up dead. Syd says their best bet is to remain undercover. Then she calls him over to her so she can attend to the wound on his head. If by "attend" you mean "kissing him all over his neck and then making out with him as if he has a piece of Kobe beef in his mouth and she hasn't eaten for weeks." They quickly move from making out on the edge of the tub to being buck nekkid in the shower. As they're kissing, Syd pulls back and says, "The story you told at the dealership -- we were supposed to go to Santa Barbara three years ago and we never made it." "Karen and Dave did," says Vaughn, and they go back to kissing beneath the shower spray. Aw.
Marshall's Den of Geekitude. Jack is following Marshall as he gibbers about looking for codes in Irina's books. Finally, he found something in Jack's inscription. "'Laura,'" says Marshall, quoting from the inscription, "'All my love, forever and a day…Jack.'" Jack looks like he just ate a habanero pepper and is looking for a place to hurl fire. Heh. "Really sweet," says Marshall. "I mean, that's a side of you I never really get to see, Mr. Bristow. I have to say…I like it." "I fail to see the relevance," snipes Jack. Hee. Marshall says that he ran an analysis of the ink and one of the periods in the ellipses contains ink that's different from the ink in the inscription. It was added after Jack wrote it. Irina encoded it with a microdot. So, Marshall magnified it with a microscope and discovered that the microdot was a protocol Irina used to contact one of her operatives. Someone important, given how detailed the message was. Irina was communicating with someone by the code name of "Sentinel." Jack tersely asks if they have copies of everything inside the book. Marshall says they do, but wonders aloud why they're giving it to the Russians. Jack says that "Sentinel" is a deceased operative and that it's a dead end. "The Russians can have it," says Jack. "Our priorities are Sydney and Vaughn." He walks off.
Spysteria Lane. Syd and Vaughn are in bed, sleeping. The door to their room opens and they both spring awake, Vaughn jumping out of bed and going to hit…Sergei. "Goooood," he says. "You're awake. We need to get you packed. You're going to America." Vaughn and Syd look very confused by this announcement, and yes, judging by the time of forty-eight minutes on my TiVo, I totally thought this was going to be a cliffhanger episode. It isn't, but I thought it was going to be. Doesn't matter. I have enough beer to feed a Scottish army and I'm going to put it to good use.
Hell-Lay. Jack meets with Alexei. "Zee agreement wuz for all of zee books," says Alexei. "That's the one you're looking for," says Jack, dapperly brandishing his umbrella. Alexei comments that they haven't heard from Irina in awhile. "She's a difficult woman to keep track of," says Jack. Heh. Especially when she's dead. "That she is," says Alexei knowingly. He goes on to say that Irina always spoke favorably of Jack and that her attachment to him made her work problematic. "I hope I didn't cause you too much inconvenience," sneers Jack. Heh. Alexei returns to the business at hand, saying that he'll have an airplane waiting for Syd and Vaughn and a support team ready to help them once they leave Liberty Village's perimeter. They say goodbye and we return to Liberty Village.
Syd and Vaughn are getting the rundown from Sergei about their assignment. It would seem that Syd and Vaughn are moving to Chicago. Shout-out? Well, considering I toil away here at my laptop in Ravenswood, Chicago proper, I'd like to think so, but I leave that judgment up to you. Sergei hands the Chicago house assignment to Syd and Vaughn and an Atlanta house assignment to another Spyneighbor. Sergei and Diane are going to New York. A meeting's been set up at Pierce Financial for Syd and Vaughn. "We're attacking an investment firm?" asks Syd. "We just need access to their servers," says Sergei. "At some point in the near future, an unfortunate incident is going to befall the New York Stock Exchange. If we have access to the servers of America's financial institutions during that time, we'll be in prime position for a massive redistribution of wealth." "Think of it as…aggressive Marxism," pipes up Spyneighbor.
Vaughn wants to know what the casualty count might be for this "unfortunate incident." "Are the gladiators of Liberty Village Automotive having a sudden crisis of conscience?" asks Sergei. Syd says that civilian deaths mean repercussions, and Vaughn says they'll need an exit strategy. Sergei says, in Russian, that they'll be long gone before the bodies are cold. Then he says that they should go through the op-tech before they leave in case Syd and Vaughn have to be rerouted through New York. "What do you guys know about electromagnetic weapons?" he asks. Well, a lot, actually. They make sentinels disappear before they can attack the Nebuchadnezzar, for one thing. ["They also cause Jessica Alba." -- Sars]
Apple Store. Marshall's dicking around in his office when all of a sudden, an alert comes up on one of his monitors. The Germans have moved the real Tabokovs to a prison in Havel. That's the Tabokovs that Syd and Vaughn are in the process of impersonating, don't you know. Marshall runs off to tell Sloane, but Sloane already knows. Unfortunately, what Sloane doesn't know is that the Germans sent this information over an unsecured line, which means…yeah, Sergei and company are getting this intel at the same time as the Apple Store. Which means…the Liberty Village jig, she is up. Sloane orders Marshall to send the abort code. Too bad that Syd's watch was bashed during the Fight at the OK Automotive.
Spy House of Love. Upstairs in the bedroom, Spyneighbor is filling in Vaughn on the contents of his spy suitcase. Downstairs in the den, Sergei's filling in Syd on how to work the EMP. Convenient, that. His cell phone rings. It's Diane. While Sergei pretends to make small talk with his "wife," she's on the other end, telling him all about Syd and Vaughn and how they're not really the Tabokovs. She tells him to kill one and keep the other for interrogation. He tells Diane he loves her as Syd looks at him like, "Why are the Strings of Something Bad Is About To Happen So You'd Better Pay Attention, Oh, And, No, This Isn't A Cliffhanger, Even Though There's Only, Like, Five Minutes Left playing if you're just talking to your wife?"
We go to black, only to return six minutes later with, really, only five minutes left to the episode. I pour another beer (my fourteenth) and light another cigarette (my hundredth) and try to pretend like this episode is number five instead of what it really is, which is number nine. Join me, won't you, in my complete and utter denial of how this episode makes no sense and seems out of order and, really, kind of bugs?
Spy House of Love. Sergei gets off the phone and pretends that Diane told him to tell Syd to pack warm. He moves off to the kitchen to get Syd some more coffee, prattling all the way about Diane and her weird travel warnings and general journey foibles. Instead of getting Syd more coffee, he just grabs his gun and spins around to shoot Syd. Only she's not there. Upstairs, Spyneighbor is telling Vaughn about his evaluation, which went on at the Liberty Village Fried Chicken and he got burns all over his back from the fry machine. Back downstairs, Sergei's still looking for Syd and we're still thinking this is a cliffhanger episode.
Sergei's phone rings and he picks up. "Where is she?" he asks in Russian. Well, actually, she's right behind you, dumbass, and she has a vase in her hands which she cracks over your skull. Upstairs, the guys hear the noise and Spyneighbor moves for his gun. Vaughn makes his move. And then they fight. Spyneighbor throws Vaughn into a standing mirror, which is very similar to the standing mirror throw at the end of Season Two, only with Vaughn slamming into it instead of Syd. Downstairs, Syd's engaging in her own combat with Sergei. The fight continues until Sergei gets Syd in a stranglehold. It's one of those moments where you think Vaughn's going to come down and save her ass, but, thankfully, Drew Goddard chose another direction and made Syd actually save her OWN ass. She somehow throws Sergei off of her and he falls. She picks up a fire poker and beats the shit out of him as we hear sirens and helicopters outside.
Syd picks up Sergei's dropped gun and moves toward the hallway as Vaughn comes down the stairs and moves toward her. "They're on to us," breathes Syd. No shit. "Yeah, I figured that part out," breathes Vaughn. Hee. Syd runs into the other room and grabs the EMP. "I don't know what happened, but we gotta get outta here," she gasps, running for the door. They run outside and, as guns from a 'copter shoot at them, they find shelter to a car. Vaughn yells that Syd should set off the EMP. She opens the case, opens the charger cover, it charges, and she hits the switch. Lights for ten miles go out. The helicopter dives into the roof of their house. "Maybe it's time to move out of the suburbs," quips Syd, grabbing the case. They run off.
Apple Store. Sloane's in his office, talking to Syd and Vaughn on the video phone. He says that Russian authorities officially deny that American training ground ever existed within their borders. However, they've expressed their "gratitude" for the CIA's assistance in their "takedown" of the October Contingent. On a video screen in a plane far, far away, the video image of Sloane tells Syd and Vaughn that they did good work. Syd and Vaughn say thanks. We switch back to Sloane in his office. "So, Alexei made good on his promise," says Sloane to Jack, who's sitting across from him. "Which means our suspicions regarding 'Sentinel' are accurate," says Jack. "The Russians are searching for Elena Derevko." Jesus. There's ANOTHER Derevko? Shit. Now I have to go back through the recaps…yes. Another Derevko. And her name is, indeed, Elena. At least, according to closed captioning it is, anyway. "Yeah," says Sloane. "We will have to move up our timetable." Jack just nods. Just what are these two up to, anyway?
Plane of Spy Love. Syd says she's not really excited about returning to America for some reason. Vaughn says it was kind of nice not to have to be "us" for a while. He places his wedding ring down on the table. Syd removes her engagement ring and places it on top of his ring. "Well, I happen to like 'us,'" she says. "Even if we are a little cold." "And boring," quips Vaughn. "Don't forget boring." "How could I?" she says. "You know," says Vaughn, going all Bond on her ass, "we have operational command of this aircraft. The pilot could take us…anywhere we want." Syd smiles. "Our orders are to proceed with our extraction. If we were to divert this aircraft for our personal use, we could get into a lot of trouble." "Yes," says Vaughn, smirking at her. They both pause. "Wanna have dinner with me in Paris?" he asks. "Absolutely," she responds without hesitation. Hee. They kiss and the camera zooms in on their rings, mingled on the table. Aw.
week: Gee Dub speaks. Remind me to load up on grain alcohol and heroin for that event. But the week after, Syd gets bitten or something and goes mental. Trust me. She goes totally mental. And it's AWESOME.