Previously: Syd played doctor with Kelly MacDonald and all she got to show for it was a vial of stuff that freeze-dries people. Vaughn played a hot priest and made most of the females watching the show call up their local parish to see if they have any newbie priests fresh off the monastery who might be interested in "taking confession" with a very lapsed Catholic. Or maybe that was just me. Oh, and Nadia found a picture of herself dressed up to look like it was 1965 and somehow she thought it was a young Irina and she went around questioning everyone about the baby in the picture andthat storyline went nowhere because no one really knew who it was, even Jack, who basically lied and said it was Irina's niece or some shit. All in all, previously on Alias was a damn good time.
We start with a guy who has nothing to do with the Apple Store. He's sitting in his car, saying something in Russian to someone on the other end of a headset. What's he saying? I don't know. The captioning was not kind enough to provide any translation for me so, you know, we're starting off this episode with a bang. I mean, I was once a spy and speak seventy-two languages, but I'm drinking a Red Stripe at two in the afternoon on a Saturday, and for some reason, Russian is just slipping my mind at the moment. Also, the captions don't inform me who this guy is (and we find out later anyway) so, since the dude playing the Russian guy is the same guy who played "Sergei" on that early episode of Friends where Phoebe made Monica go out with Sergei's translator so that Phoebe and Sergei could get it on, I will henceforth be calling Russian Guy "Sergei." Hope that's all right with everyone. What's that? It's not? Shhhh. I can't hear you. I have beer in my ears.
Okay, so, in this scene, Sergei watches some dudes with guns. Then a truck pulls up and Sergei races into action. He screeches up, runs a guy over, then kills everyone else within a five-mile radius. Then he gets out, goes to the truck, opens the back, opens a safe and, inside, is some bizarre-looking device I've never seen before. He takes it, carefully places it in a silver suitcase, and drives off. We see him driving down Wisteria Lane. He pulls into a driveway and his perfectly groomed wife greets him by sweetly telling him he's late. Sergei has changed out of his device-stealing clothes and is now wearing a plaid oxford shirt. He kisses his wife, and they head inside with their arms around each other. The Horns of These People Are Actually Really Bad But You Won't Find That Out Until Later kick into hyperdrive.
We leave Sergei and head over to the Ovary Electric, where a double date is already in progress. Agent Sean is very cutely trying to explain the exciting game of bowling to Nadia, who doesn't really get the point of knocking over a bunch of pins at the end of a lane. I don't really either, but if you drink enough beer while you're doing it, you wind up not caring whether you get it or not. This could also be said of the program Lost, boyfriends, The Rule of Five, calculus and any movie written by Charlie Kaufman.
Vaughn hassles Agent Sean about being a bad bowler and there's some more cute interaction between the couples. The gist of the scene is that Nadia states they have bowling in Argentina, so she knows what it is, she's just not sure it's any fun. Weiss disagrees, saying that she's never had a true bowling experience, complete with glow-in-the-dark pins, all-you-can-eat hot dogs after ten, and bad disco music piped in while you play. And to that I say, "Amen, Brother Weiss!" So Weiss wants to prove to Nadia how fun bowling is by taking everyone on an impromptu bowling excursion. Nadia seems up for it, but Grandpa Vaughn and Grandma Syd have to stay home 'cuz it's a school night and they have to go and save the world tomorrow. "Guys, you don't have to analyze everything you do," says Weiss. "You can just decide to have fun. It's okay." "We're fun," says Syd, cocking an eyebrow at Vaughn. Heh. "Hey, look," says Vaughn, "it's Wednesday night. We're not going bowling. We have a show to do. Or have you forgotten that Alias is on Wednesdays now?" Weiss hasn't forgotten, he just doesn't care, so he and Nadia head out to go bowling.
"We don't analyze everything we do," says Syd. "Do we?" Hee. "No," says Vaughn, totally knowing that they actually do analyze everything they do. "No, we don't. And besides, we agreed to take things slow." Yeah, "taking it slow" has nothing to do with bowling, Vaughn. Or do you think that the aphrodisiacal properties of disco bowling are so powerful that you'll be compelled just to throw Syd down on Lane 10 and make sweet love to her right after you hit a strike? "We're choosing not to be spontaneous," says Syd. "Exactly," says Vaughn. And then their cell phones ring. "And that's why they call us when something's wrong," says Vaughn as they both answer their phones. Hee hee hee.
Apple Store. Sloane and Jack are dressed as if they've been there all day (I honestly don't think they ever leave the place) and Syd and Vaughn enter in their casual leathers. It would seem that the device Sergei stole was an electromagnetic weapon. Marshall says it's really super-duper-bad and asks Syd if she knows what an electromagnetic pulse does. Syd's seen The Matrix and Ocean's Eleven, so she knows that it destroys electronic equipment and fries circuitry. Well, if the stolen electromagnetic weapon were to go off, everything within a ten-mile radius that contains electronic parts, like computers or car radios, will be fried. So, like, if a terrorist were to detonate this thing in a major city, casualties would be extreme, due to all the, like, electronic shit being thrown down and whatever. And, even better, this thing isn't just a one-time performer. It has a repeatable core. Dix explains that you could set it off and take down Hell-Lay and then cruise up to San Francisco on the same day and hit it as well.
What follows is an action sequence that I'm not even going to TRY to recap, because it's kind of all over the place and, really, you know who's going to win, don't you? I mean, everyone assembles their guns, then shooting starts, then there's running around, fighting, hitting, more shooting, then Syd jumps into the convertible after grabbing the gun, more fighting, more shooting, more fighting, then Syd shoots Mrs. McSpyneighbor dead. Oops. No convenient knives to fall upon around here, huh, Syd? She looks up and sees Vaughn still fighting with Mr. McSpyneighbor. Quickly, she manages to find the keys to the convertible, starts it up, and revs the engine. Vaughn hears the engine and maneuvers Mr. McSpyneighbor into Syd's path as she bolts the car down off the dais and right into the guy. She stops, calls to Vaughn to get in, and they drive off.
Later, at the Spy House of Love, Syd and Vaughn are in the bathroom again, discussing the day's events. Syd's transmitter watch is totally dead. Vaughn says that protocol says they should try to contact the Apple Store in some way. But, they both agree, even if they had access to communications now that they're part of Liberty Village, if they're discovered while trying to communicate, they could wind up dead. Syd says their best bet is to remain undercover. Then she calls him over to her so she can attend to the wound on his head. If by "attend" you mean "kissing him all over his neck and then making out with him as if he has a piece of Kobe beef in his mouth and she hasn't eaten for weeks." They quickly move from making out on the edge of the tub to being buck nekkid in the shower. As they're kissing, Syd pulls back and says, "The story you told at the dealership -- we were supposed to go to Santa Barbara three years ago and we never made it." "Karen and Dave did," says Vaughn, and they go back to kissing beneath the shower spray. Aw.
Marshall's Den of Geekitude. Jack is following Marshall as he gibbers about looking for codes in Irina's books. Finally, he found something in Jack's inscription. "'Laura,'" says Marshall, quoting from the inscription, "'All my love, forever and a dayJack.'" Jack looks like he just ate a habanero pepper and is looking for a place to hurl fire. Heh. "Really sweet," says Marshall. "I mean, that's a side of you I never really get to see, Mr. Bristow. I have to sayI like it." "I fail to see the relevance," snipes Jack. Hee. Marshall says that he ran an analysis of the ink and one of the periods in the ellipses contains ink that's different from the ink in the inscription. It was added after Jack wrote it. Irina encoded it with a microdot. So, Marshall magnified it with a microscope and discovered that the microdot was a protocol Irina used to contact one of her operatives. Someone important, given how detailed the message was. Irina was communicating with someone by the code name of "Sentinel." Jack tersely asks if they have copies of everything inside the book. Marshall says they do, but wonders aloud why they're giving it to the Russians. Jack says that "Sentinel" is a deceased operative and that it's a dead end. "The Russians can have it," says Jack. "Our priorities are Sydney and Vaughn." He walks off.
“ I pour another beer (my fourteenth) and light another cigarette (my hundredth) and try to pretend like this episode is number five instead of what it really is, which is number nine. Join me, won't you, in my complete and utter denial of how this episode makes no sense and seems out of order and, really, kind of bugs? ”
Apple Store. Marshall's dicking around in his office when all of a sudden, an alert comes up on one of his monitors. The Germans have moved the real Tabokovs to a prison in Havel. That's the Tabokovs that Syd and Vaughn are in the process of impersonating, don't you know. Marshall runs off to tell Sloane, but Sloane already knows. Unfortunately, what Sloane doesn't know is that the Germans sent this information over an unsecured line, which meansyeah, Sergei and company are getting this intel at the same time as the Apple Store. Which meansthe Liberty Village jig, she is up. Sloane orders Marshall to send the abort code. Too bad that Syd's watch was bashed during the Fight at the OK Automotive.
Spy House of Love. Upstairs in the bedroom, Spyneighbor is filling in Vaughn on the contents of his spy suitcase. Downstairs in the den, Sergei's filling in Syd on how to work the EMP. Convenient, that. His cell phone rings. It's Diane. While Sergei pretends to make small talk with his "wife," she's on the other end, telling him all about Syd and Vaughn and how they're not really the Tabokovs. She tells him to kill one and keep the other for interrogation. He tells Diane he loves her as Syd looks at him like, "Why are the Strings of Something Bad Is About To Happen So You'd Better Pay Attention, Oh, And, No, This Isn't A Cliffhanger, Even Though There's Only, Like, Five Minutes Left playing if you're just talking to your wife?"
We go to black, only to return six minutes later with, really, only five minutes left to the episode. I pour another beer (my fourteenth) and light another cigarette (my hundredth) and try to pretend like this episode is number five instead of what it really is, which is number nine. Join me, won't you, in my complete and utter denial of how this episode makes no sense and seems out of order and, really, kind of bugs?
Spy House of Love. Sergei gets off the phone and pretends that Diane told him to tell Syd to pack warm. He moves off to the kitchen to get Syd some more coffee, prattling all the way about Diane and her weird travel warnings and general journey foibles. Instead of getting Syd more coffee, he just grabs his gun and spins around to shoot Syd. Only she's not there. Upstairs, Spyneighbor is telling Vaughn about his evaluation, which went on at the Liberty Village Fried Chicken and he got burns all over his back from the fry machine. Back downstairs, Sergei's still looking for Syd and we're still thinking this is a cliffhanger episode.
Sergei's phone rings and he picks up. "Where is she?" he asks in Russian. Well, actually, she's right behind you, dumbass, and she has a vase in her hands which she cracks over your skull. Upstairs, the guys hear the noise and Spyneighbor moves for his gun. Vaughn makes his move. And then they fight. Spyneighbor throws Vaughn into a standing mirror, which is very similar to the standing mirror throw at the end of Season Two, only with Vaughn slamming into it instead of Syd. Downstairs, Syd's engaging in her own combat with Sergei. The fight continues until Sergei gets Syd in a stranglehold. It's one of those moments where you think Vaughn's going to come down and save her ass, but, thankfully, Drew Goddard chose another direction and made Syd actually save her OWN ass. She somehow throws Sergei off of her and he falls. She picks up a fire poker and beats the shit out of him as we hear sirens and helicopters outside.
“ week: Gee Dub speaks. Remind me to load up on grain alcohol and heroin for that event. But the week after, Syd gets bitten or something and goes mental. Trust me. She goes totally mental. And it's AWESOME. ”
Syd picks up Sergei's dropped gun and moves toward the hallway as Vaughn comes down the stairs and moves toward her. "They're on to us," breathes Syd. No shit. "Yeah, I figured that part out," breathes Vaughn. Hee. Syd runs into the other room and grabs the EMP. "I don't know what happened, but we gotta get outta here," she gasps, running for the door. They run outside and, as guns from a 'copter shoot at them, they find shelter to a car. Vaughn yells that Syd should set off the EMP. She opens the case, opens the charger cover, it charges, and she hits the switch. Lights for ten miles go out. The helicopter dives into the roof of their house. "Maybe it's time to move out of the suburbs," quips Syd, grabbing the case. They run off.
Apple Store. Sloane's in his office, talking to Syd and Vaughn on the video phone. He says that Russian authorities officially deny that American training ground ever existed within their borders. However, they've expressed their "gratitude" for the CIA's assistance in their "takedown" of the October Contingent. On a video screen in a plane far, far away, the video image of Sloane tells Syd and Vaughn that they did good work. Syd and Vaughn say thanks. We switch back to Sloane in his office. "So, Alexei made good on his promise," says Sloane to Jack, who's sitting across from him. "Which means our suspicions regarding 'Sentinel' are accurate," says Jack. "The Russians are searching for Elena Derevko." Jesus. There's ANOTHER Derevko? Shit. Now I have to go back through the recapsyes. Another Derevko. And her name is, indeed, Elena. At least, according to closed captioning it is, anyway. "Yeah," says Sloane. "We will have to move up our timetable." Jack just nods. Just what are these two up to, anyway?
Plane of Spy Love. Syd says she's not really excited about returning to America for some reason. Vaughn says it was kind of nice not to have to be "us" for a while. He places his wedding ring down on the table. Syd removes her engagement ring and places it on top of his ring. "Well, I happen to like 'us,'" she says. "Even if we are a little cold." "And boring," quips Vaughn. "Don't forget boring." "How could I?" she says. "You know," says Vaughn, going all Bond on her ass, "we have operational command of this aircraft. The pilot could take usanywhere we want." Syd smiles. "Our orders are to proceed with our extraction. If we were to divert this aircraft for our personal use, we could get into a lot of trouble." "Yes," says Vaughn, smirking at her. They both pause. "Wanna have dinner with me in Paris?" he asks. "Absolutely," she responds without hesitation. Hee. They kiss and the camera zooms in on their rings, mingled on the table. Aw.
week: Gee Dub speaks. Remind me to load up on grain alcohol and heroin for that event. But the week after, Syd gets bitten or something and goes mental. Trust me. She goes totally mental. And it's AWESOME.