Previously on Alias: Syd found out that Jack killed Irina, everyone went to work for Sloane at the Apple Store on Michigan Avenue, Syd was kidnapped by Rick Yune, who then informed her that, actually, Irina had hired him to kill Syd, thereby making the fact that Jack offed Irinaokay. Man. The twisted morals of this show are so convoluted and terrifying that you need a trained guide dog, a flexible idea of what constitutes "good" and "evil," and a flashlight that burns with the strength of the core of the sun in order to navigate through them without giving yourself a brain tumor.
Bahamas. Sydney and Marshall enter some building and they're both dressed up in their finest trashy American outfits. Actually Syd's outfit kind of resembles the one she wore in that hotel where she pretended to be Italian and broke a nail during one of the blooper outtakes on the DVD, but seeing as the costuming crew kicks all sorts of ass, I'll let this slight repetition of disguise go with only a mere slap on the wrist. Marshall's outfit, on the other hand, makes him look like a porn star. And not a porn star of the Jenna Jameson "cool enough to be on VH1" variety; no, a porn star of the "I just bought this camera and wouldn't it be fun to get together with some friends and tape ourselves doin' it?" variety.
A tall attractive black man approaches them and introduces himself as the bank manager. Syd, who's pretending to be a woman by the name of "Mrs. DeMarco," delivers a line about her jet being bouncy out of Newark or something, but I'm too bowled over by her Miss Adelaide-on-crack Long Guyland/Joisey accent to really pay much attention what the line actually is. The accent is truly hilarious, y'all. I mean, if it was intended to be hilarious which, um, if it wasn't, and this was a serious attempt at a crass mobster wife accent, then, um, that's really, really sad. The captions actually state that it's supposed to be a Jersey accent whichSars? I've never heard you speak like this but, then again, you're not a crass mobster wife. Orare you? ["It's the Hollywood-generic Jersey/Brooklyn/Bronx accent. They're three distinct places, but you'd never know that from movies and TV." -- Sars]
So, whatever, Married to the Mob over here Joiseys that she wants to get down to business. Or, as she says, "Can we jist cut to the desoit?" "Desoit" for "dessert"? Who talks like that? Unfortunately, I don't have time to delve into this mystery, because, after Marshall introduces himself as Syd's accountant, the camera careens over to where Vaughn sits, harassing a bank employee. And this time, the captions clearly state that he is supposed to be speaking in a British accent. Only, it's unlike any British accent I've ever heard in my entire life. It starts out as kind of working-class Brit, then sort of limps into Cockney, turns left into North London, hitchhikes to somewhere in Manchester, takes a boat to Belgium, skydives into a small unknown island off the coast of Italy, takes a submarine to Australia, and thenkind of stumbles into a pub somewhere in South Africa. Yeah. No idea. It's all over the place. It doesn't matter. He's pretty. And he's pretending to be some vineyard owner who's pissed off about something. Again, it really doesn't matter. Pretty.