Previously on Alias: Syd found out that Jack killed Irina, everyone went to work for Sloane at the Apple Store on Michigan Avenue, Syd was kidnapped by Rick Yune, who then informed her that, actually, Irina had hired him to kill Syd, thereby making the fact that Jack offed Irina…okay. Man. The twisted morals of this show are so convoluted and terrifying that you need a trained guide dog, a flexible idea of what constitutes "good" and "evil," and a flashlight that burns with the strength of the core of the sun in order to navigate through them without giving yourself a brain tumor.
Bahamas. Sydney and Marshall enter some building and they're both dressed up in their finest trashy American outfits. Actually Syd's outfit kind of resembles the one she wore in that hotel where she pretended to be Italian and broke a nail during one of the blooper outtakes on the DVD, but seeing as the costuming crew kicks all sorts of ass, I'll let this slight repetition of disguise go with only a mere slap on the wrist. Marshall's outfit, on the other hand, makes him look like a porn star. And not a porn star of the Jenna Jameson "cool enough to be on VH1" variety; no, a porn star of the "I just bought this camera and wouldn't it be fun to get together with some friends and tape ourselves doin' it?" variety.
A tall attractive black man approaches them and introduces himself as the bank manager. Syd, who's pretending to be a woman by the name of "Mrs. DeMarco," delivers a line about her jet being bouncy out of Newark or something, but I'm too bowled over by her Miss Adelaide-on-crack Long Guyland/Joisey accent to really pay much attention what the line actually is. The accent is truly hilarious, y'all. I mean, if it was intended to be hilarious which, um, if it wasn't, and this was a serious attempt at a crass mobster wife accent, then, um, that's really, really sad. The captions actually state that it's supposed to be a Jersey accent which…Sars? I've never heard you speak like this but, then again, you're not a crass mobster wife. Or…are you? ["It's the Hollywood-generic Jersey/Brooklyn/Bronx accent. They're three distinct places, but you'd never know that from movies and TV." -- Sars]
So, whatever, Married to the Mob over here Joiseys that she wants to get down to business. Or, as she says, "Can we jist cut to the desoit?" "Desoit" for "dessert"? Who talks like that? Unfortunately, I don't have time to delve into this mystery, because, after Marshall introduces himself as Syd's accountant, the camera careens over to where Vaughn sits, harassing a bank employee. And this time, the captions clearly state that he is supposed to be speaking in a British accent. Only, it's unlike any British accent I've ever heard in my entire life. It starts out as kind of working-class Brit, then sort of limps into Cockney, turns left into North London, hitchhikes to somewhere in Manchester, takes a boat to Belgium, skydives into a small unknown island off the coast of Italy, takes a submarine to Australia, and then…kind of stumbles into a pub somewhere in South Africa. Yeah. No idea. It's all over the place. It doesn't matter. He's pretty. And he's pretending to be some vineyard owner who's pissed off about something. Again, it really doesn't matter. Pretty.
Syd and Marshall, meanwhile, have followed the bank manager into his office and are pretending to need some secret account for Joisey's stolen mobster money. Joisey wants to make sure this secret account is secure, and the bank manager assures her that it's biometrically protected and mentions the "initial deposit amount" that they discussed over the phone. Marshall opens up his briefcase and reveals a whole lotta cash. The bank manager asks for Joisey's full name and she pipes up, "Clawdeeya Muhreea Vasskez DuhMawco." Heh. She sounds like she attended the Mona Lisa Vito School of Accent Butchery.
Back with Vaughn of the Vineyards, he's still pretending to be angry. In walks Dixon in a hilariously awful Rasta wig. He interrupts Vaughn and the bank lady and Vaughn gets even pissier and basically tells Rastadixon to shove off. Rastadixon ain't taking that crap, so a fight ensues. Obviously, this is a diversion they're creating for whatever secret stuff Marshall and Syd are going to get up to in a minute here. Back in the bank office, Joisey gets her account situated and the manager hands her a little card with her secret account number on it. Joisey kind of fans herself with it and snaps her gum. Hee. Then the phone rings and the manager's called out into the bank to deal with the Rumble in the Rasta Vineyard outside. He leaves, and Syd and Marshall get to work on their mission.
Marshall flips up the cash tray on his briefcase, revealing a computer or something, and he scans the database records while Syd removes a piece of fake skin or something from the palm of her hand and slaps it on the computer screen behind the manager's desk. Outside, Rumble in the Rasta Vineyard continues. Back in the office, a picture of the manager comes up on the screen, so it would appear that when the manager shook Syd's hand during their introductions, she got an impression of it on her plastic fake skin thingy and now she has access to the bank's secret accounts. Syd opens the safe beneath the screen and pulls out a box that has the secret account cards in it. All the accounts are randomly numbered, so Syd has to ask Marshall for the number, which he rattles off and she doesn't even write down because, again, phonographic memory super-spy that she is, she just hears it and gets it and finds the account card she's looking for. She hands it to Marshall, who scans it into the computer. Syd checks her watch.
Outside, Rasta Dix and Vaughn of the Vineyards are roughly escorted out of the building. The manager starts moving back toward his office. Marshall finally gets the whole card, gives it back to Syd, and she puts it back in the box and shoves it back into the safe, shutting the door after it. At that precise moment, the bank manager enters. Syd looks up all, d'oh! The bank manager's all, uh, dude? What in the hell were you doing? Syd Joisey's, "Jist…breakin' inta ya safe?" There's a moment, and then the bank manager just cracks up because obviously a woman this crass and mobster-ish wouldn't know HOW to break into a safe and isn't that just the funniest thing ever? They all share a giggle at the humor of it all.
Hell-Lay. A doorbell rings over a shot of the city at night. We switch to the Ovary Electric, where Syd's answering the door for a pizza delivery guy. She's having a party, apparently, and the place is packed with people. When I first saw this scene, I was like, "Um…how can Syd have a party? All her friends are dead or in witness protection." But then it quickly became clear that the party was actually for Weiss and his birthday and then the fact that there were dozens of people around made total sense because Agent Sean would totally have tons of friends because he's the cutest, sweetest, funniest CIA agent on the planet. But maybe I'm biased.
The pizzas land on the kitchen counter and Marshall greedily slaps a couple slices onto his plate. Dixon's all, dude? Way to stuff your face. Have some manners. Marshall's all, what? You're taking three. Dix is all, dude? These are for my KIDS. Marshall's all, well, mine are for MY kid. Dix is all, HE'S NOT ON SOLID FOOD YET, YOU PLEBE. Marshall doesn't care. He's taking his multitude of pizza slices and going off to hang out with his imaginary wife and his baby that doesn't exist. Meanwhile, Agent Sean's over against the fireplace, gettin' his groove on with Nadia. Syd sees this and comments to Vaughn that she thinks something's going on between Weiss and Nadia. Vaughn agrees, but cynically predicts that it's going to end badly, as it always does, and he, Vaughn, will have to pick up the pieces when it's all over. Syd's all, how 'bout we try a silver lining on that little cloud of blackness you have hanging over your head, huh, chief? Then she shoves a piece of pizza in his mouth. Hee. Cute. Also, Vartan? You still single? CALL ME.
We move over to Weiss and Nadia's conversation, which seems to consist of Weiss nerdily talking about the Magic Castle and Nadia stating that she'd like to go there. I imagine Weiss hauled out his trusted "I'm related to Houdini" chestnut and somehow tied it into the Magic Castle, thinking that the Houdini thing might impress her, but realized at the very last minute that he was a total noodge for even bringing up the cheesiness that is the Magic Castle and very well may have ruined his chances with the prettiest girl at the party. But Nadia appears to have a taste for fromage, so she grins and tells him that she really is interested in visiting the Magic Castle. "I like magic," she sweetly says. "And I like your smile too." Aw! Quick, Weiss! Pull a coin out from behind her ear! Chicks dig that!
Weiss is all, what, this smile? This one right here? Nadia's all, yep, that one. "How red is my face?" says Weiss, sporting a grin so big it's cutting his ears in half. "Very red," giggles Nadia, sporting her own ear-splitting grin. Awwww! They are SO cute! Syd and Vaughn saunter over and Syd asks how it's going and Nadia giggles that it's going very well and Vaughn quips, "Easy, tiger," under his breath to Weiss and Weiss volleys back, "Oh, no, I'm on fire, my friend. She loves magic." HEE. This whole scene isn't really that necessary to the plot (it probably will be later when Nadia turns out to be evil and lures Weiss into some dangerous mission and then he dies and Vaughn swears vengeance on her and Syd has to choose between her love -- AGAIN -- and her family -- AGAIN), but I just loved it. So damn cute and so well played. Hee. "I'm on fire." Hee hee.
One of Weiss's many friends drunkenly comes over and hugs him and a little introduction scene goes on between the group. The only important thing that happens here is that Syd clearly announces that she works in a bank, so we're supposed to remember that when Weiss later discovers that by "bank" Syd really means "Apple Store." This sweet scene of friends and fun is quickly interrupted by the appearance of Jack. He enters the party cautiously, wearing a suit and an expression of pursed gloom. Vaughn snits, "Looks like the party just got started." Hee. Jack passes the kitchen and Marshall nervously burbles, "Hey, Mr. Bristow. Want some pizza…or a cocktail?" Even though Jack could clearly USE a cocktail, he doesn't respond and just keeps on walking as if Marshall were a cockroach on a motel wall or something. Heh.
Syd kind of rolls her eyes and moves over to her father. "Dad," she says, by way of greeting. "It must have been lost in the mail," Jack says dryly. "Your invitation?" Syd responds in mild surprise. "Unless it was an Evite," he returns, a smile kind of touching the corners of his mouth. "I don't read Evites." Hee. I bet you don't. At first I was like, um, Jack? Agent Weiss ain't your friend. He was one of your co-workers, but y'all aren't beer buddies or anything. But then I realized that Jack was messing with Syd and that this entire conversation was yet another example of Jack's dryly bizarre sense of humor. That Jack. He's such a comedian! Syd gets the joke and she and her father share a couple of shy smiles. Yay! I love the Spy Family black humor moments.
Outside on Syd's patio, she and her father discuss the Bahamas mission. Jack says that the trip paid off and they now know who has the Valta. What's the Valta? You'll find out in a minute. Syd's all, dude? You came here during a party to tell me that? We have a briefing tomorrow morning, party killer. Jack's all, yeah, I know, but I found out that you're letting your sister stay with you. Syd's all, yeah? And? Jack's all, um, did you know that Sloane got approval from Langley to let Nadia be a permanent member of the Apple Store? Syd's all, yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever. If you're wondering whether or not I've told Nadia that you offed our mommy, no, I haven't. So either grab a beer from the fridge and lighten the hell up or just go home and organize your machete collection, okay?
Syd goes on to say that she plans to tell Nadia the truth at some point and Jack thinks she's doing it out of spite. Syd says she's doing it out of respect, which…yeah, I don't get. Her mother left her when she was what, seven? And Nadia basically never even KNEW her mother. So, what, these two motherless children are now suddenly all farklempt that their evil bitch of a mother is dead? I mean, yeah, I'd be a wreck if my dad killed my mother, but I actually LIKE my parents. And they've been around since I was born, so one of them killing the other one? Devastating. But if my mom had turned out to be a Russian spy who had married my father just to get secrets out of him and bring me into the world as some sort of cracked-out Rambaldi defense weapon and then disappeared, only to wind up running an evil organization that plotted world destruction -- oh, and tried to shoot me not once but TWICE -- and showed up, years later, in CIA custody, in order to basically mess with me and my life from behind bulletproof glass, and my father killed her in order to stop HER from killing ME? Not so much with the boo-hoo over here, is all I'm saying. At this point, I think Syd would actually congratulate Jack for a job well done. Not Nadia, maybe, sure, because Irina never pointed a gun right in HER face, but Syd? Dude. Give it up already. Your mom was a bad guy. Move on. And go get your dad a beer. And get me one while you're at it. All this plot questioning is making me thirsty.
So, yeah, Syd wants to tell Nadia. Jack doesn't think that's a good idea. Syd needs to tell Nadia the truth. Because telling lies is bad. Jack's all, this ain't about what you need, Syd. And go get me a beer. And Syd's all, no, this is apparently all about what YOU need. And get your own damn beer. Jack's all, um, need I remind you that Nadia has sworn to kill the man responsible for your mom's death? Syd's all, hey, how'd you know that? Were you at the Russian Mausoleum of Murdered Mommies at the same time we were? Jack's all, never mind how I know. Sometimes I just know things. Especially if it furthers the plot and makes me seem even more of a bastard than I already appear to be. Nadia comes out on the patio. Syd and Jack whistle and put their hands in their pockets and pretend to be talking about the weather. Nadia asks her sister where the candles are, because it's cake time. Syd just says she'll be right there and Nadia goes back to flirting with Weiss.
Syd tells her father that she's not looking forward to telling Nadia the truth, but sooner or later, Nadia's going to find out the truth and Syd would really rather that it came from her and not, like, Glenda, the office gossip, who told everyone around the water cooler that Syd and Vaughn were "doing it" and that Sloane actually wears women's underwear. Glenda's a bitch. Syd goes back to the party, leaving Jack out on the patio, pondering that idea he had about doctoring CIA documents to make it look like he had nothing to do with his ex-wife's death.
And now is the time on Alias when we…do the extended remix of the Dance of Many Disguises. The theme music is growing on me. I now do a little mini-frug that involves me kind of keeping my hands close to my body and doing small side-jerk motions with my fists. I'll keep you updated on the moves that get added.
Apple Store. Sloane's updating the troops on the Valta computer. The Valta computer, which exists solely in the imagination of the Alias writers, is a machine with cutting-edge technology that's supposed to revolutionize information gathering from satellite networks. In the wrong hands, it could be put to extraordinarily evil use. Isn't that always the way? So the Valta was stolen about ten days ago, in broad daylight, before it could be transferred to the NSA. The Valta is supposed to be handed over to some new German terrorist group, the Badenliga. Hee. How do they come up with these baddie names? They're consistently hilarious. But, hey, what the hell was the Bahamas mission all about, you may ask? Well, it seems that the Valta theft was financed by three million Euros that were placed in that untraceable account that Syd and Marshall recovered. By nabbing the account, the Apple Store has now learned that the thief was some dude named Martin Bishop who's a British ex-pat living in Spain. (He's also an ex-'60s radical who ran a ragtag team of security analysts somewhere in California, but that's not important right now.) Bishop's a ladykiller. Literally. He killed his wife so he could spend more time with his mistress. "Charming," quips Syd. Heh. So, Bishop's still waiting to receive final payment from the Balenciaga before he hands over the goods. It's up to the Appleseed Gang to make sure the Valta never reaches the Boomboomsatellites. So. That's the mission. Recover it or destroy it.
The team goes to leave, but then Sloane calls Sydney back. "Thank you," he says. "For what?" says Syd in an icy tone. "For letting Nadia stay with you," he says. "As Nadia acclimates to this life, to her new family, she needs support. And you have put my mind at ease." Wait. Nadia needs to acclimate to this life? Wasn't she a spy in Argentina? I'm confused. Oh, like it matters. Sloane's grateful to Syd and Syd doesn't like this at all. "The thought that I did something that gives you a warm and fuzzy feeling," she says, "makes me want to kick my own sister out of my house." Heh. Sloane just looks at her a moment and then goes, "Yeah." Heh. It's totally dismissive of Syd's rage and it's awesome. He's just like, yeah, I get that. Um, when you gonna let go of the anger, Xena? Drop it already. He goes on to tell Syd that Nadia won't be on the Valta assignment because Jack's volunteered to run her through her psych evaluation. Oh, please. If there's anything that Jack is NOT qualified to do, it's to run other people through their psych evaluations. The man's wound tighter than a cuckoo clock and about as stable as seesaw on a rusty hinge. Syd agrees with me, because she kind of looks across the Apple Store with an expression of "the hell?" and just says, "Really?" to Sloane in this hilarious do-not-give-that-man-a-weapon kind of voice.
Syd catches up to Jack and has obviously questioned him about why he's giving Nadia her psych tests. Jack just blabbles something about how one of the tests he's going to give Nadia will determine how she'll react under stressful circumstances when she learns of "delicate intel." Syd's all, delicate intel? You wouldn't be referring to the death of our mother, would you? Jack's all, whatever, I know you're going to tell Nadia the truth and fine, nothing I can do about that, but when are you gonna do it? Now? Two hours before you leave for an operation? Or during some more appropriate occasion like, say, Nadia's wedding to Weiss or when you're both rotting away in an old folks' home in San Diego? Syd just says she's planning on telling Nadia the truth when she gets home from the assignment. Jack's all, okay, great! Understood! "And I agree," he says. "It's for the best." Syd looks carefully at her father. "What are you up to, Dad?" Heh. Jack just looks at her for a second, then something catches his eye in the distance. "They're waiting for you, Sydney," he says, with that famous Bristow glint in his eye. Syd walks off to another part of the Apple Store, and Victor Garber picks up a piece of paper on some random desk and pretends to read it. And that's when I notice something. Victor Garber has the biggest feet I've ever seen. I mean, maybe not bigger than Shaq's or Andre the Giant's, but they're half the length of the desk and as flat as pancakes. I'm not trying to be mean -- it's just an observation. They're huge. And, no, I'm not even touching the myth about hands and feet, okay? I'm just not. Shut up.
Across the way but out of earshot, Nadia's watched the entire exchange between Syd and Jack. Sloane walks up and says her name. Nadia turns to him and asks, "Is he always so cold?" They both consider Jack for a second. "Jack?" says Sloane in a matter-of-fact tone. "I'm afraid so." Hee. Sloane then asks if Nadia's free for dinner. "There's this restaurant on Melrose that serves Argentinean food," he says. Then he pauses and smiles at her. "We can go any place you like." "I'd like that," says Nadia sweetly. Okay, a week ago Nadia was Ms. I Want Nothing To Do With My Father Or His Dirty Life and now she's Ms. Let's Have Dinner And Get To Know Each Other Because I Love You Daddy? Yeah. I don't buy it. I think they're up to something. I really do. ["Also, Rifkin's delivery needs to be more paternal and less Chinatown. I'm just saying." -- Sars] Sloane sees Jack eyeballing the two of them and tells his daughter that he'll see her when she's through with the psych evaluation. Nadia walks over to Jack, passing the Conference Room of Endless Expositions as she goes.
We catch up with the team as Vaughn's discussing Bishop and the dozen industrial properties he owns in Spain. There's an awesome shot of Michael Vartan's hands messing around with some papers and a computer and damn! He's got him some pretty hands. Oh, to be a piece of paper or an errant prop…right. So, the Valta could be housed in any one of Bishop's industrial properties. Also, Bishop recently purchased this crazy-ass powerful server. "Well, you don't buy a server like that to look at online porn, huh?" snerks Marshall. Heh. Vaughn's all, no, you twit. You buy it to coordinate international business operations. Shut up. Marshall looks chastened. So, Syd pipes up that the location of the Valta is probably on that server and that server is on Bishop's estate. Marshall explains that you can't hack into the server from the outside, you have to be physically in front of it. Unfortunately, Bishop's security on the estate is out-of-control high-tech and impossible to get past. Marshall blabbers something about a wicked cool laser lock pick he's invented that's housed in a watch but that sometimes the watch overheats. Or something. It'll be important later, trust me. So, whatever, Syd surmises that they need to get into that house, get into the server, and that will tell them where Bishop's hiding the Valta. You know, in case you haven't been listening to the last ten minutes. "So, how do you break into the house of a master thief?" ponders Vaughn. "I don't think you do," responds Syd. "I think you have to be invited."
Andalusia. It's time for Syd to put her mad booty skillz to work, yet again. She's a highly qualified spy, yes, but for most assignments, all that really matters is that she looks good in a tight dress. This is one of those assignments. We catch up with Bishop, who's being driven along a road as he chats with the Bigaudiodynamites about the Valta delivery. Bishop gets off the phone and his car comes upon another car that's overturned. Enter Sydney Bristow -- Super Sexy Spy. Bishop and his driver get out and approach the overturned car. At the Appleseed Gang Command Center, Vaughn asks Marshall to flip the video feed from the car so that it's not upside down. They watch as Bishop heads toward the car. Dix jams the cell phone frequency and Marshall ignites the overturned car.
Out on the road, the car lights up and Syd starts yelling for help. Bishop runs to the car and wrenches open the door as his driver tries to call for help. Syd says that her seatbelt won't come undone, so Bishop tries to undo it. The driver, by the way, can't get a connection on his phone because, of course, Dix jammed the frequency. The jammed seatbelt is Marshall's doing, it would seem, and Vaughn kind of snits at him to undo the damn thing already. Marshall presses a button and presto! Syd's free. Bishop helps her out and, as they walk away from the car, Marshall makes it blow up. Bishop asks if Syd's all right and she just breathlessly looks at her blowed-up car and says she's okay. After the driver says he can't get a signal, Syd begs Bishop not to call anyone, intimating that she's on the run from something. Bishop seems to dig the damsel in distress act that Syd's throwing his way. "You just saved my life," says Syd, avoiding Bishop's questions about where she was running to. "Perhaps I did," says Bishop. "I'm quite something, aren't I?" Hee. Nice line. Bishop wants Syd to go to the doctor, but Syd just needs a place to rest. And the location of the Valta, you know, if Bishop's offering it up. He's not. But what he is offering up is a nice comfy bed in his bachelor mansion. He escorts Syd to his car, and Dix gets on the comm to base and tells them that Phoenix is in and that she's now "on her own."
Commercials. I love Topher Grace. It's kind of wrong how much I love him. In fact, I love him enough to erase Scarlett Johansson's presence from that movie so that I'll actually enjoy it. Shut up, Scarlett. Your somnambulistic performances make me want tozzzzzzzz...
We're back. Vaughn's codename is "Shotgun." Heh heh. Shotgun asks Marshall why they can't use standard comms. "Because that would mean we wouldn't be able to use the cool laser gun listening device thingy that the writers dreamt up after that big hash party they had," says Marshall. Actually, Marshall just says something about how Bishop has frequency jammers or something, so if Syd tried to use comms, she'd have to strap a generator the size of a baby hippo to her back and that wouldn't be very convenient, now would it, a hippo strapped to her back, like, what would Bishop say and how would Syd pass that off and -- Vaughn just ignores Marshall and exits the Appleseed Van. Heh.
Bishop Manor. Syd and Syd's Industrial Strength Blonde Wig of Spydom are showering. Bishop's watching from the doorway. Ew. While Syd and her wig are wet, Bishop goes through her things that, um, obviously survived the blowing up of the car, I guess. The shower stops and, after coming across Marshall's Laser Watch, Bishop quickly drops it and retires to a chair across the room. Syd exits the bathroom and sees Bishop there, smiling like the cat that ate the canary. The Strings of He's A Wife-Murdering Bastard trill over the soundtrack. Syd compliments his shower. They chat about nothing, really, and then Bishop mentions that he hasn't been in this room in three years. "Not since my wife left me," he says with a sneer.
His cell phone rings and Bishop says something in German to the Burgermeisters. He hangs up and checks Syd's bruises, which are extensive and an ugly purple-yellow. Bishop rightly surmises that all of these bruises didn't come from the accident and he wants to know who she's running from. Syd just cryptically answers that she left someone, only he didn't want her to go. "Who is he?" says Bishop, already enamored of Sydney's strong-but-wounded bird act. "I can have someone…talk to him." Syd just says she's all right now that she's with him, and then Bishop tells her he has to go into town for business, but when he gets back, they'll have dinner. Syd trots out a Southern belle accent for good measure and says she's not going anywhere. Especially since she doesn't have a car. Bishop orders her not to leave the house because there's security everywhere. He leaves, and…we go to commercials literally four minutes after we just went to commercials. Wow. They're stretching this hummer out, aren't they? I'm not complaining, mind you; the more commercials, the easier the recap!
After the break, we catch up with Jack and Nadia as Jack is administering her psych evaluation. He asks her a question about a hypothetical mission and whether or not she'd abort it when the shit comes down and Nadia is all, um, that depends. And Jack is all, actually, it doesn't. Yes or no? Nadia's all, okay, then. No. Jack notes the response and asks another complex question about a mission and a team member and neutralizing a target. Nadia's all, um, is the phone system the new PBX matrix -- Jack cuts her off all, dude? ANSWER THE QUESTION. "Why is my partner a man?" asks Nadia. "The sex of your partner is irrelevant," purses Jack. "Oh," responds Nadia. She answers the question with another no. What are the questions? Does it matter? No. No, it does not. All you need to know is that Jack is grilling Nadia, she's handling it well, and Jack's learning that, given the chance, Nadia would probably kill him where he stands. Heh.
Later, Sloane calls Jack into his office and asks how Nadia is doing on the tests. Jack doesn't know yet. Sloane's all, oh, come on, Jack! It's been two hours! Form an opinion already! Jack has, of course, but he wants to be certain. He walks off as Sloane drills holes into his back with his laser vision eyes.
Over in Spain, Syd walks out onto a balcony as Vaughn gets her in his sights with the sound gun. She says it's weird -- that it sounds like he's right to her. Yeah, Syd, just like when he's on the comms, right? I really don't get how this was necessary, but whatever. Vaughn checks in with Marshall and Marshall brings up a map of the house. He discovers that there's a huge power surge in the basement, so the server's probably there. Vaughn fills Syd in on the location of the server, as well as the location of a couple of guards. She straps on the laser watch and gets a move on.
Syd sneaks around the house as the Mystery Music of Clandestine Operations goes into overdrive. Before heading off on her mission, Syd rigged up a little audio player to play a fake phone conversation between her and someone else so that, when one of the guards passes by her room, he hears the conversation and thinks she's just chatting with someone while she runs a bath. Satisfied that Syd's occupied with her phone chat and bath, the guard just walks off. Good thing he's not as interested in Syd's bathroom activities as Bishop is, huh? Meanwhile, Syd's made it down into the basement with the server. She tells Vaughn that they're good to go and he tells her to move fast.
She moves over to the machine and pulls out a terminal, flipping up the monitor. She removes Marshall's laser watch and shoots it at something on the keyboard. This apparently unlocks the system and she's in like Flynn. She goes to put the watch back on, but, as Marshall commented earlier, it's overheated and Syd hisses, "Ow!" and puts the watch in her pocket instead. She searches the computer for the keyword "Valta" as Vaughn impatiently urges her to hurry up. Watch it there, Agent Anxious. Let's see you try to hack into a server wearing The Wig That Ate Pittsburgh and see how well YOU do, huh? Syd gets the location of the Valta and tells Vaughn it's at Alameda Yards. Vaughn tells her the coast is clear and she should get out of there and meet them at the extraction point. Syd bails and heads to the front door.
The intel on the Valta gets passed to the CIA via Sloane as Vaughn starts to pack up his gear. Before he can head out, however, he sees Bishop's car returning to the house. Uh-oh. He's early. Vaughn tells the Appleseed Gang to stand down. Dix and Marshall are all, whuh? Syd would be whuh-ing too, if she could hear Vaughn's warning. But she can't. Instead, she rushes through the front door on her way to get the hell out of Dodge and runs smack into Bishop. She covers well, saying that she saw his car pull up. He's immediately suspicious, asking her why she's out of breath. Again, she covers and diverts him with her girlish charms. They go back into the house, holding hands, as Vaughn tells the rest of the team that Houston definitely has a problem.
The Spy Daddy & Nadia Show. Nadia's hooked up to the sensor thingies again and Jack's asking her yet more hypothetical questions. She's sitting in a chair with her leg loosely crossed over the other one, her black bra straps showing, and an expression on her face that says, "Enough with the questions already, Little Hitler." Finally, when she's sort of had enough, she looks at him and says, "Mr. Bristow?" "Yes?" "I don't mean to seem impatient," she says calmly, "but I've never done anything that's lasted as long as this." Jack just looks at her. "How sad for you." HEE. Jack made a sex joke! Hee hee hee. Just then, the phone rings. Jack picks up and suddenly cancels the rest of Nadia's evaluation and storms off.
Then Sloane is filling Jack in on the Bishop situation. Seems as if the regular non-black-ops CIA is headed over to deal with the Valta. Sloane also tells Jack about Syd's current predicament. Jack wants to know if they can extract her, but Sloane informs him that they can't yet because the Valta raid is a top priority. If they blow her cover by extracting her, the whole op could be busted. Jack's all, huh. That's interesting. Okay, then. Guess I'm going to Spain to get my little girl. Oh, and I'm taking Nadia with me. Sloane's all, hey, what about the psych eval? You learn anything? Jack's all, enough to know how to deal with the situation at hand. Sloane's all, uh, okay. Well, have fun in Spain!
Bishop's Bachelor Mansion. Bishop pours some champagne and he and Syd engage in some useless banter. Vaughn pipes in and says, "If you can hear me, tuck your hair behind your ear." Syd tucks, and continues the conversation with Bishop. Vaughn tells her about the raid and instructs her to get the hell out of there. Syd, pretending to talk to Bishop, basically says that she's sticking with it. Vaughn repeats that she should get out. Blah blah Bishop, blah blah Syd, blah blah destiny, blah blah Syd cover story, blah blah Bishop still clueless. Yawn. Don't care. Get to the good stuff.
Yards De Los Alamedas. The CIA, with Weiss leading the way, is making its raid. They get to the container that has the Valta, and Weiss pulls a pin on what I'm assuming is a grenade and tosses it into the Valta container. Suddenly, a baddie shows up and starts shooting. Chaos ensues. The Valta blows up. More chaos. More shooting. Back at the Bachelor Mansion, the Appleseed Boys watch as Syd continues to work her brilliant plan of…talking to Bishop. Marshall's perplexed. "I don't get it. Why doesn't she just kick his ass, you know, and then run?" Why doesn't she indeed, Marshall. Dix just says that Syd doesn't want to blow her cover. If she keeps working her cover, and something goes wrong with the raid, she can still get out clean, with Bishop none the wiser.
Sloane gets on comms and tells the team that the raid, indeed, went wrong and Weiss has been captured. Vaughn gets on the horn to Syd and tells her about the situation. Syd sort of just touches her hair and Bishop observes that she's trembling. Syd feeds him some line about not wanting to get involved with someone so fast, but before she can say, "But it's different with you…" Bishop gets a phone call informing him about the failed raid, and the caller also tells him that someone was on the server at the house about an hour ago. Bishop, his eyes slowly blinking like a Gila monster, thanks the caller and gets off the phone. Syd looks at him and says, "Your expression -- reminds me of my uncle." Weird thing to say, huh? Yeah, well, that's because it's Syd's distress call. Vaughn tells Dix that he's going in and he needs backup. Dix is all, got it! On my way! Blow the security system pronto!
Vaughn and Dix run to the house. There's absolutely no one around. Looks like, in addition to blowing the security system, Marshall also took out every last one of the guards. That, or, like, they're all down at the Alameda yards, um, disposing of CIA bodies. Vaughn and Dix make it into the house, but Syd's nowhere to be seen. Apparently, everyone escaped through a handy escape tunnel. The Appleseed Boys jump in the van and head after Syd. Vaughn's totally losing his shit, harping on Marshall to hurry up and find Bishop. Vaughn's all, dude? Speed it up already! You've been fucking around for an hour! Find the guy! Marshall's all, stopyellingatmeyou'remakingmenervous! Trying to find this guy ain't as easy as you'd like, General Girly Man! Vaughn's all, COME ON YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT AND DON'T CALL ME GIRLY MAN, YOU GEEK! "I know what I'm doing, okay?" Marshall finally screeches. "JUST SHUT UP!" Vaughn totally stops and pulls his head back. Hee. Marshall sees this. "Sorry about that," he says. "No," says Vaughn in this hilarious deadpan. "That was good." Hee hee hee. After their first lover's quarrel is over, Marshall finally gets a hit on the cellular signal and he tries to locate Bishop and Syd.
Meanwhile, on International Tesseract Airlines, Jack and Nadia are en route to Spain. After getting off his cell phone (those Tesseract cargo planes sure do get great reception!), Jack tells Nadia that the Appleseed Gang is tracking Bishop and that they'll coordinate with Vaughn when they land. Nadia pipes up that she knows it must be hard for Jack to have her at the Apple Store. Jack just says, "Not at all." Actually, I think he means it. He doesn't seem to hate her or anything. Well, how can you hate someone whose very presence you acknowledge only as a potential hazard to your relationship with your daughter? "I can't defend the choices my mother made," she says. "Nadia," he responds with the slightest bit of his version of a smile, "I would never blame you for your mother's infidelity." She sort of looks down, obviously relieved. "But there is something I need to share with you," he continues, totally ruining what was turning out to be a nice non-father/non-daughter moment between the two of them. "I only do this because of your test results," he says. "Did I fail horribly?" she asks. "Hardly," he says. "Not surprisingly, your ability to adapt to sudden changes in protocol, to handle adverse situations, is exceptional. Your results were very much like your sister's." Jack reaches into a bag and pulls out a confidential CIA file. "Sydney doesn't know this yet. The result of an ongoing investigation." He hands her the file. "Ironically," he says, "this intel came to me just this morning." Nadia opens the file and reads it, her brow furrowing. She looks up at Jack with pain etched across her face. And…scene.
Yeah. I totally thought Jack had somehow rigged it to show that Sloane killed Irina. In fact, when I did the recaplet, I initially wrote, "Nadia looks at the file, but we don't find out what's in it until the end of the episode when we learn that Sloane actually killed Irina. Nice way to cover, Jack." But it doesn't say Sloane killed Irina. It says that…oh, well, you'll see here in a second.
Also? Racing Stripes looks like ass. Was this a movie that really needed to be made? I mean, really. There will never be another Babe, people. Even the sequel to Babe couldn't be another Babe. God.
Back from the break, Sloane gets a call from Vaughn informing him that Jack and Nadia have arrived and they're all heading after Bishop and Syd. Wow. They got to Spain in under ten minutes. That's impressive. "Tesseract Airlines: When you absolutely, positively need to get to the other side of the world in ten minutes or less." In a warehouse somewhere, Weiss and Syd are both tied up to chairs. Syd slowly wakes up, a bit of blood in the corner of her mouth. Bishop is yammering at them about the destroyed Valta and how the Barenakedladies will kill him when they show up, unless he can provide them with information of similar or greater value. He wants to know how the CIA infiltrated the Barackobama's network. Bishop then leans over and delivers the famous line from the preview: "So, what's your real name, Charlene?" "I'm, uh…" "'I'm, uh' what?" "I'm a-gonna kick your ass." But instead of kicking his ass, Syd just gets smacked by him. Well, that was anti-climactic.
Weiss shouts at Bishop that he's a son of a bitch, which he is, and Bishop just points a gun at him. He shoots and the bullet skims the top of Weiss's shoulder. Bishop vows that the one is going between his eyes. The phone on one of the henchmen rings and he picks up. The Ballyhootenannys have called. Bishop grabs the phone and goes to deal with the call, instructing the henchman to shoot Syd or Weiss in the kneecaps if they get out of line. Syd gives Weiss a look and he totally gets it. Syd uses the laser watch (that somehow has magically returned to her wrist) to work on her bindings as Weiss fakes a heart attack. The henchman walks over, totally ignoring Bishop's rule about the whole kneecap-shooting thing, and checks on Weiss. ["Second time this week that trick worked on gullible guards. Smarten up, TV henchmen, damn." -- Sars] Weiss kicks the baddie in the balls and Syd frees herself at the same time.
And then they fight.
Syd finishes the fight with a great roundhouse floor kick to the head and moves over to release Weiss. He's all, uh, dude? I thought you weren't with the agency anymore. Syd's all, yeah, I'll, uh, I'll tell you later, dude. Thanks for the distraction. Weiss is all, no problem. Oh, and thanks for saving my life. Weiss picks up the baddie's dropped gun and Syd finds another gun on the guy as Weiss suddenly wakes up and realizes that this whole thing is black ops and is Vaughn part of this too? Syd's all, dude? Now is not the time for talking! Now is the time for running! Weiss finally gets with the program and they run off.
Outside, the rest of the Appleseed Gang arrives. They spill out of the van, guns drawn. Somewhere else on the Campus of International Killers, Bishop's trying to explain his way out of the bad situation with the Binglingbrothersbarnumandbaileycircus. He looks distinctly nervous. In fact, he looks way too nervous for a man who killed his wife in cold blood, but, you know, whatever. He tells them that he doesn't have the Valta, but he has two CIA agents and isn't that a fair exchange? The Billyraycyruses aren't biting, however, and they declare that Bishop is a dead man. Just then, Syd and Weiss come shooting around the corner. And I mean that literally. Bishop returns their fire. Another baddie shows up and starts shooting too. Weiss goes after him as Syd goes after Bishop.
They're in a parking garage somewhere. Syd, gun pointed, enters into a parking garage somewhere. Why do these gunfights often end up in a parking garage? It makes me glad I don't own a car. I'd hate to, like, go shopping at a mall in Vernon Hills and wind up eating lead from an errant spy gunfight. Bishop peels around the corner in a Mercedes and Syd shoots at him, but he keeps going. Elsewhere in the garage, Weiss shoots his baddie dead. He hears a door slam above him and turns his gun toward it. It's Vaughn, with his own gun pointed. "Dude!" snaps Weiss. "I knew it!" Hee. He's totally pissed off that his boyfriend didn't trust him enough to let him in on the Apple Store secret.
Back down with the cars, Bishop's still careening around in his Mercedes. He peels around the corner and Syd jumps on top of the car. Drive drive drive. Hang hang hang. Spin spin spin. Bishop shoots up through the roof of the car, missing Syd. She pulls out her gun and shoots directly down into the car, wounding Bishop. He crashes into another car and Syd rolls off onto the ground. He gets out, obviously hurt, and moves over to her, reloading his gun. Syd's gun isn't within reach, I guess, because she just looks up at him, thinking her number's up. "I liked you…much better…as Charlene," he spits, pointing the gun. Suddenly, he's shot several times from behind. It's Nadia to the rescue. Syd looks up in surprise.
Nadia walks up and calmly plugs Bishop with an extra eight bullets. In fact, she's so intent on shooting him that she keeps pulling the trigger long after the chamber's empty. Syd stands up and asks dryly, "Is that how you normally deal with bad guys?" Heh. She has her father's sense of humor. "He was the one," says Nadia. Oh, no. "Bishop. He killed our mother." Syd looks past Nadia and slaps Jack with the evil eye. Heh. Nice one, Jack. Well, your ass is definitely covered. For the moment.
Later on at the Apple Store, Syd asks Jack why Nadia's under the impression that Bishop killed Irina. Jack's all, huh? What? Oh, that. Well, yeah, I kinda sorta tinkered with Bishop's file so that it looked like he killed your mother instead of me. Yeah. Neat, huh? Syd's all, oh, what? So you set my sister up? Jack's all, um, in case it slipped by you, Bishop wasn't exactly a missionary, honey. We killed two birds with one stone. Syd's still pissed. "You manipulated Nadia." "I gave your sister closure," reasons Jack. That man can rationalize his way out of ANYTHING. You killed my mother? She was going to kill you! You manipulated my sister into killing a man for something he didn't do? He was going to kill you anyway, and look how happy it made her! Heh. "Sometimes a satisfying lie, Sydney," he concludes, "can do more good than…The. Awful. Truth." Yeah. He totally says it like that. And, as much as I love Victor Garber, I'm really sorry that he had to be saddled with that clunker of a line. Maybe the writers are starting a trend of naming their episodes after a line of dialogue. Or maybe it's vice versa. I don't know. But if it continues, and somewhere, in every show, the title of the episode is uttered, we should totally stand up, wherever we are, raise a shot of the closest available liquor and shout, "HUZZAH!" at the top of our lungs. Come on. It'll be fun.
Syd just stalks off and joins the new and complete Appleseed Gang, which includes among its members the newly appointed Weiss. Yay! Now they just need to bring Francinator back from the dead and hire Will to do CIA analysis and my life will be complete. As Syd chats with her buddies, Jack watches her with what I can only describe as an expression of wary concern. The Strings of Jack Did Something Bad But We Won't Really Find Out What Until Midway Through The Season are running into serious overtime, though, so I'm thinking that there are quite a few more tasty revelations to come in the remaining nineteen episodes…
week: Nadia discovers a picture of Irina that uncovers yet another secret that no one knew anything about, and Syd and Vaughn decide to…spend the night together? But I thought they already…yeah. No idea.