By Erin
Previously on Alias: Syd had a sister, until that evil bad Sloane-man took her. And Vaughn was shirtless. That is all.
Kyoto, Japan. Home of the Geisha. And teahouses. And little umbrellas with bases made of tightly rolled newspaper. And some other stuff. Like a slightly comatose Spy Skipper and the Daddy who's torturing her. Nadia's in the chair where we left her at the end of the last episode, only now she's not writhing in pain; she's scrawling something onto parchment with an ink pen. And Sloane is watching her. And totally squicking me out. Back at Oops Center, Syd's informing Jack, Dix, and Marshall that they have no leads on Sloane or Nadia's whereabouts. Huh. That's funny. Because, if I'm not mistaken, Syd and Jack and Sloane managed to locate Nadia in Chechnya with an ancient brainwave reader and a big ol' satellite in the sky designed specifically for the purpose of, um, reading brainwaves. Where's your ancient brainwave reader NOW, huh? Whip that baby out and about twenty minutes of this mess just disappears! Poof! Like most of my brain cells on ANY GIVEN SUNDAY NIGHT.
Dix asks if Syd's been in contact with Argentine intelligence, and a voice that sounds vaguely like Sydney speaking from the bottom of a phone booth that's been dropped into Lake Pontchartrain says that she has, but they could only provide the CIA with background. It's a seriously phoned-in voice-over, dudes. The difference between her voice in the voice-over and her voice immediately after, spoken onscreen, is totally noticeable. And a prime indicator that this episode can only get more irritating.
Syd blah blahs about how Nadia was recruited six years ago, trained in language and trade craft, and the assignment in Chechnya was her first field assignment. Prior to her recruitment, she was confined to an orphanage in Buenos Aires. So what? We're supposed to feel sorry for her because she's an orphan? Well, boo-fuckin'-hoo, okay? Annie was an orphan, and you didn't see HER crying about it! Especially after that fat bald guy gave her all those clothes and that nice big 'fro. Syd's Pontchartrain doppelganger speaks up again and voice-overs that whole thing about the Rambaldi elixir making Nadia channel the daffy old inventor, you know, in case we missed last week's episode AND the previouslys, and we see Nadia, still in her chair of coma-ness, channeling the dead guy and scrawling some weird language onto the parchment. She stops and passes out.
Her creepier-than-ever father walks over, removes the pen from her hand, and slides the paper from the writing table. "This is his endgame," says Pontchartrain Doppelganger. "We have to believe that he will kill Nadia to achieve it." Sloane takes the piece of paper to a wall across the room and pins it into place. As the camera slides back, we see that whatever Nadia's writing is actually forming a pattern that is revealed as the Rambaldi eye. Wow. She's not only channeling Rambaldi, she's channeling the guy in our studio department who makes all those lame banners out of 11 x 17 paper that he then has to tape together so that they'll make sense, and then he hangs them up on the wall of the conference room and no one even notices them because we're too busy drinking all the free beer and talking about how much we hate the new girl. Man. Nadia's obviously got a lot of other people in there with her and Rambaldi. And some of them are really big geeks.
Her creepier-than-ever father walks over, removes the pen from her hand, and slides the paper from the writing table. "This is his endgame," says Pontchartrain Doppelganger. "We have to believe that he will kill Nadia to achieve it." Sloane takes the piece of paper to a wall across the room and pins it into place. As the camera slides back, we see that whatever Nadia's writing is actually forming a pattern that is revealed as the Rambaldi eye. Wow. She's not only channeling Rambaldi, she's channeling the guy in our studio department who makes all those lame banners out of 11 x 17 paper that he then has to tape together so that they'll make sense, and then he hangs them up on the wall of the conference room and no one even notices them because we're too busy drinking all the free beer and talking about how much we hate the new girl. Man. Nadia's obviously got a lot of other people in there with her and Rambaldi. And some of them are really big geeks.
Conference Room of Endless Expositions. Dix prays that they'll get to Nadia before Sloane up and kills her. But he also wants Syd to be prepared for every outcome. Primarily that one outcome wherein Nadia's already dead. Syd claims she knows that Nadia's still alive. Which, of course, she is, because we're watching her right now. Sloane goes to grab another jug of Green Goo™ and brings it back over to Nadia's side. She's awake now, and as soon as she sees the Goo™, she starts to cry and beg and plead. Sloane just says that he doesn't want to hurt her. The fact that he's wrapping a rubber strap around her upper arm in order to make the veins pop out kind of negates that statement but, you know, whatever. Then Sloane totally loses me here when he goes off on some fucking Tangent-with-a-capital-"T" and starts yammering on about Abraham and his child and it really doesn't fucking matter because Sloane's a really bad dude and something about an angel or something. Yeah. If you conspiracy theorists out there feel like analyzing this scene and figuring out what it means, by all means, go right ahead. I'll be over here in the corner chewing broken glass.
What's the point of the story? Abraham had to make a terrible choice. Sloane obviously sees himself as Abraham, and having to sacrifice his daughter in order to get him some Rambaldi intel is Sloane's terrible choice. Meanwhile, Sloane's so busy blabbing stories no one gives a shit about that he doesn't notice Nadia grab the stylus she was writing with earlier. She tearfully says something about how Sloane's a man of faith and how she understands this. Sloane's egocentric enough to totally buy this, and apparently his egocentricity turns him completely blind as well, because he doesn't even see Nadia using the stylus to unlock her right handcuff. Sloane goes to inject her with the Green Goo™; Nadia escapes from her shackle, grabs the needle, and stabs Sloane in the chest. "How do YOU like it?" she screams as Sloane groans and falls over. Heh. That's right up there with "One in five, you little bitch!"
Nadia quickly escapes her other handcuff, grabs the IV pole, and shatters the remaining jars of Green Goo™, thereby eliminating Sloane's entire supply. Sloane recovers and uses a stun gun to subdue his daughter. Then he gets on the horn to someone and tells them that his stash of Green Goo™ has been compromised and he needs more, pronto. He offers some bald nefarious-looking fellow $5 mil to retrieve some bottles from a bunker somewhere and deliver them in 24 hours. Baldy McUnderworld just responds that he'll put a team together. And then he hangs up the phone and immediately calls Sark, who seems to be just chilling out in some dimly-lit Mafia location while Moronen looks on blankly. I really don't know. Sark just tells Baldy that whatever Sloane's offering, Sark will pay him double to let Sark in on the action.
Oops Center. And now is the time on Alias when Vaughn starts acting like a manbot. He enters the office and walks right over to Sydney. And, hello? How long has it been since he was tortured with an electric massage wand? Two days? Two weeks? I'm thinking it's more toward the two-day mark and is he made of KRYPTON or something? Because, seriously? The man should be napping. With the benefit of morphine. And preferably a daily diet of the Game Show Network. Whatever. He stalks over to Sydney, and she rightly asks what in the hell he's doing out of the hospital. Vaughn just tells her he checked himself out. Syd's all, uh, dude? You were electrocuted by a hot blond guy; you don't just check yourself out after that. Vaughn's all, yeah, yeah, yeah. You wanna get back together or what? Okay, so he doesn't say that, but it's about as abrupt and weird.
"Whatever Lauren did to me," he says, apropos of nothing, "I want you to know I take full responsibility for what's happened. I messed up. And if you can't get past that, I understand but…will you try?" And that last part? The "will you try"? Yeah. That's delivered by Vaughn's doppelganger, who seems to be encased in a Tupperware container that's drifting along the Colorado River. And if this scene makes NO sense to you whatsoever, you're not alone. Because something was missing from one of the episodes, and that something was the reveal that Moronen was apparently brainwashing Vaughn. Just like Francie did to Will. And, no, this isn't a spoiler as much as it's a head-scratcher. Like, what? If you're going to go to all the trouble to create a potential storyline like that, then please, USE IT. But if you're not going to use it, then please, DON'T. Like, fully don't. Don't just remove all mention of it except for the occasional line dropped in here or there that doesn't make any fucking sense. Because right now? Vaughn is not only talking the crazy, he's also acting like someone just killed his mother with a hacksaw and he's ready for revenge. So, what? He went from sickly and beaten at the end of the last ep to jacked-up and nutso in the first five minutes of this one? Not right, my friends. Not right.
Anyway, Syd's all, uh, yeah, I don't think I can get past it. I don't know. I mean, who in the hell are you and what'd you do with my tortured non-ex-boyfriend? Vaughn's all, yeah, okay, will you at least think about it? Syd's all, uh, yeah, uh-huh, sure. And while I'm thinking about it, could you go have a decaf latte and some downers? Because, dude? You are freaking my shit out. Luckily, Dixon walks up before Vaughn can throw Syd down on the marble floor and start making her think about it NOW, dammit, NOW. Dix needs to see both of them immediately, and Syd follows directly after Dixon, grateful that she doesn't have to deal with Michael "Crazy Eyes" Vaughn for one more second.
Conference Room of Endless Expositions. Dix informs the troops that the CIA just intercepted that call Sloane made to Baldy McUnderworld. Unfortunately, they couldn't run a trace on the call. Right. Of course they couldn't. Because that would end the show RIGHT HERE. So, whatever, they couldn't trace the call, but they could listen in on it and figure out that Sloane's sending Baldy McUnderworld into some bunker in Russia to pick up some more Green Goo™. The bunker's inactive now, but back in the eighties, it used to be the center for Soviet Rambaldi research. Syd states that if they infiltrate the bunker, they can put a tracking device on one of the vials, and maybe that will lead them to Sloane. Dix tells Syd and Vaughn that they're going in and that Marshall will, of course, give them their op-tech.
"Where do we stand on finding [Moronen]?" Vaughn says with a trace of Crazy Eyes to his voice. Weiss just tells him that the FBI is on the job. Vaughn's all, oh, yeah. FBI. You know what that stands for, don't you? Fucking Ballbusting Idiots. (And if you don't know what movie that's from, then I don't want to know you. At all. Ever. And that means you. Go outside. And never come back. No. Don't come back.) Vaughn's all, so, aside from the FBI, we got our field agents on this? How about retraining Echelon satellites to pinpoint her from space? HOW ABOUT SOMEONE DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS VEIN JUMPING OUT OF MY FOREHEAD WRINKLES? Dix is all, oh, park it, Crazy Eyes. We're doing everything we can about your bitch of a wife. How 'bout you let us do our job and find Sloane? Huh? And here's a cookie laced with Xanax for your troubles. Have a lie-down on me, sailor.
Novgorod. Place of the Bunker. I'm not even bothering to look that up, people. That's how little I care. Syd and Vaughn, in broad daylight, make their way down some stairs. They're both dressed in mission black, they're both carrying guns, and they're both standing out like the targets they are. As they approach the facility, they see that there are a couple of dead soldiers lying around. Sloane beat them to it and he (or Baldy McUnderworld) might still be inside. They quickly head inside the bunker and see more dead guards. They make their way through a few dimly lit hallways until they come upon what looks like a makeshift research area. There are computers and devices and the like, but everything's been mussed up and messed around.
The Dynamic Duo warily moves around the room, finding no one else present. There's a smashed bottle of Green Goo™ on the floor. Vaughn rightly surmises that there aren't any full bottles left and that there's no way to tag one and find Sloane. Syd just says there's a secondary protocol, and that's to retrieve all available data. Vaughn starts the uplink, and Syd starts to retrieve a sample of the Green Goo™. Vaughn tells Marshall he's starting the uplink. Marshall for some reason can't receive it. There's a signal he can't account for. I have no idea what's going on. Vaughn just asks if Marshall can download the data, and he says that he can and that Vaughn should just start sending it now. Syd comes over and looks over Vaughn's shoulder. There are video files on the screen, over one hundred and eighty hours of them, and Syd wants to see one.
When Vaughn opens one, we see what I'm assuming is Nadia, as a little girl, strapped into a chair similar to the one that Sloane has her strapped into now. The little Nadia is writing something onto a piece of paper. Okay. Can we just -- how'd anyone know that Nadia was The Passenger back then? Had someone already put The Telling together? Because I thought Sloane was the first one. I…what? What's happening? Jesus. I need several kegs of vintage grain alcohol to get through this fucknut of an episode. "It's my sister," says Syd, looking up and through some windows into another room. She sees the same chair that little Nadia is seated in in the video. Syd goes to take a closer look. Marshall suddenly goes, "No! Nononononono! There's a silent alarm! They know you're there!" And sure enough, a bunch of Russian guards enter the room right at that moment. Syd and Vaughn are trapped. And that's when Aunt Katya enters the room in full Russian uniform. And kids? Her hair? Is alarming. It's like the Lea DeLaria special, people.
And now is the -to-last time on Alias when we dance.
After the break, Auntie Katya walks right up to Sydney and says, "Sydney Bristow. We meet at last." Before Syd can say anything, Katya turns around and orders a couple of guards to go outside and guard the perimeter. Then she tells some other guards to take Syd and Vaughn's weapons. Katya picks up one of the guns and sees that it's a standard-issue CIA tranq gun. "A tranq gun? How considerate." She laughingly turns to her remaining guards and says, in Russian, "I had no idea the CIA was so polite." And then she drops both of them with a couple of tranq darts. Heh. Katya tells Syd and Vaughn to take the dropped guards' uniforms and IDs. "Who are you?" Syd asks. "Your mother's sister," responds Katya. "Katya," is Syd's rather redundant reply.
The thing we see is Katya, Syd, and Vaughn running to jump into a jeep. Vaughn drives them away from the bunker. They reach a guard post outside, and Katya says she'll handle it. A guard walks up and asks for identification, and Katya starts some small talk with him. Meanwhile, the fallen guards back in the bunker are discovered. Katya keeps up with the small talk, including some innuendo about how she slept with a boy at some party who looked just like the guard she's currently talking to. Sydney watches the entire transaction with what looks like barely hidden awe. That's right, Syd. The apple really doesn't fall far from the tree. And if you're a descendant of either the Bristow or Derevko clan, the apple barely gets off the damn branch. What, is EVERYONE in their families spies? I wonder what their family reunions are like? They're probably held in underground lairs and everyone has to check their weapons at the door and the barbeque consists of imported Alaskan salmon and a stolen ton of Kobe beef.
The guard who discovered the bodies gets on the horn to the security gate. Katya hears the phone ringing and tells Vaughn to hit it. He does, and they screech out as the guards open fire. Of course, they get away. Back at Sloane's Secret Hideaway of Hideous Hijinks, Sloane's feeding Nadia a sedative through her IV. You know, so she can rest. Between scrawling sessions. How thoughtful of him. He blah blahs something about how her breaking all the remaining Green Goo™ vials yesterday made him proud. Yeah. He was proud of her courage. She's all, yeah, thanks for that, Dad. Because there's nothing more valuable to me in this life than your misguided PRIDE. Just shut up and stick me with some more of that electric Gatorade, okay? Then at least I won't have to listen to your sick shit anymore.
Actually, she just tells a story of how, when she was in the orphanage, every Sunday, all the other little orphans used to get all dressed up and clean so that, when the prospective parents arrived to look them over, they'd be sure to get picked. But Nadia didn't. No, she made sure she was as filthy as possible because she knew, in her heart of hearts, that her real daddy was going to come for her. Sloane smiles at this, thinking, of course, that he eventually came for her and now they're together! What a dick. "If I had known it was you I was waiting for," she says, "I would have cleaned up." Heh. And it's a credit to both Mia Maestro and Ron Rifkin that this scene comes off with as much feeling and heartache as it does.
CIA Safe House. St. Petersburg. Vaughn, Katya, and Syd are hiding out. Vaughn's killing time by yammering at Weiss about how Katya saw Sark and Moronen on a surveillance feed and how they acquired a bottle of Rambaldi Green Goo™. It should be noted that Vaughn is almost irrationally angry at this point, and that he orders Weiss to get that satellite retasked because he wants them FOUND, dammit! Vaughn walks off to yell at Weiss some more as Katya and Syd get acquainted with each other. Syd announces that Spy Daddy's sending a helicopter to pick them up, and then she takes a seat across from her aunt. "What were you doing at the laboratory?" she asks. Katya just ya-yas that her people got intelligence that Sloane was going to infiltrate the lab, but they got there too late to intercept him. "If Sloane is after the fluid," she says, "he must be very close to finding Nadia." Syd chooses not to tell Katya that Nadia's been located already. Instead, she mentions that in the video files they found, Nadia was drawing something, what Syd assumes was Rambaldi's message. "If the message was already relayed," asks Syd, "why is she valuable?" Well, that's easy, Syd: Nadia was taken away from the lab before she could finish the message.
"My father took her," says Vengeful Vaughn, returning from his emasculation of Weiss. "He hid her away to keep her safe from people who were trying to use her." Katya's all, you trying to imply something, Commando Ken Doll? Vaughn's all, nah, not really. Except I'm curious as to why you're suddenly so eager to find your long-lost niece. Because I really don't think you're trying to give her that pearl bracelet that Grammy Derevko left her in her will. Katya's all, yeah, you might wanna bring the tone down a notch, Soldier Boy. I've risked my life and compromised my position with the SVR in order to save your two sorry asses from certain execution. So how 'bout a little gratitude here?
And this scene? It just keeps going and going and going…Katya tells them that she is, in fact, working with Irina, and that when Irina returned to Russia, way back in the days after she'd faked her death, she was immediately apprehended. Her loyalties were questionable. After a few months in jail, she gave birth to a wittle baby girl. "That girl was one day old when she was taken away from your mother," says Katya. "The only reason I joined the Russian secret service was to help Irina find her younger daughter." So, yeah, for years they couldn't find her, every lead went cold, and then recently, they got word that her father, Sloane, was also looking for her. Syd totally indicates that she knows something, and Katya asks what it is. Syd spills it that Sloane already has Nadia. Katya looks suitably freaked out by this knowledge.
Meanwhile, Sloane's standing outside that Japanese pagoda thing that was used in The Usual Suspects. God. Can every country be reasonably duplicated in or around Los Angeles? That's just…wow. I wouldn't need a passport anymore if I lived in L.A. I could just hop in a car and go to Japan or Prague or Chechnya…So, anyway, Sloane's hanging at the pagoda. A car drives up. Sark and Moronen get out. Sark's carrying a briefcase. Sloane's all, uh, I don't remember calling you guys. The hell? "Nice to see you too, Arvin," says Moronen, clearly enjoying being out of the bonds of good-girl-hair hell. Her hair has never looked better. It's all wavy and soft. Never looked like that when she was pretending to be the dutiful wife, did it?
Sloane's not really into the soft-wave look, however, and clearly states that the two of them being here is totally unacceptable. Sark's all, yeah, because I care, dude. We have three canisters of Green Goo™ here. They're yours. In exchange for a little partnership action. Sloane's all, yeah, tell it to someone who gives a shit, you über-twit. Sark's all, hey, man, we have the goo, you have the girl. Whaddya say we share? For old time's sake? Sloane wants to know the terms. Moronen tells him they brought one canister of Green Goo™ with them; once they see that Sloane really does have Nadia, the rest of the canisters will be delivered. Sark pipes up that, of course, they'll need a demonstration first; they'll need to see that the Green Goo™ actually works before they deliver the rest. "I see," is all Sloane says, looking off into the distance for an answer as to why ABC has clearly messed with what used to be a totally kick-ass show.
Marshall's Garage of Geekiness. Vaughn and Syd have obviously brought back their sample of Green Goo™, and Marshall's had a chance to analyze it. And, um, what it contains, as far as he's concerned, is, um, a stored memory. A muscle memory. The Green Goo™ they brought back from Russia contains protein strains that, when injected, could trigger an individual to execute a prerecorded series of non-cognitive actions like touch-typing or playing a musical instrument or…"Drawing," says Sydney, watching a video of her sister playing on one of the computer screens. "How dangerous is that process?" asks Dix, wondering why his character has been reduced to The Guy Who Asks Questions That Further The Plot. Marshall just answers that the result of so much protein being entered into the system could result in brain damage or, yeah, death. We get a shot of poor little Nadia, not enjoying her time as Rambaldi's Secretary.
Dix wants to know if Marshall's been able to identify the doctor who was administering the Green Goo™ application while Nadia was a child. Syd asks how the voice print analysis panned out. "Not great," says Marshall, "but I'll run it again, if you want." And on the computer screen, we see little Nadia get shot full of Green Goo™ and her body reacting, and quickly switch to Adult Nadia being shot full of Green Goo™ and her body reacting. Sloane, after having injected her, steps back, as Nadia's whole body begins convulsing. Her eyes roll, her body shakes, she looks…not well. And her father puts the pen in her hand. Her hand adjusts to it easily and moves into place to start writing down Rambaldi's message. Sloane moves away, and we see Sark and Moronen in the background. Nadia, eyes rolling into the back of her head, starts writing on the provided paper. "Incredible," declares Sark. Yeah. It's real incredible that Nadia's writing in hieroglyphs on a piece of parchment. I mean, it's not like she's growing scales and a tail and suddenly can walk on the ceiling or anything. She just shakes a bit and then writes some shit. What's "incredible" about that?
Nadia continues writing as…her childhood counterpart continues writing on a video screen that Syd and Vaughn are watching. Vaughn wishes that they could see the doctor's face. Syd spies something in the corner -- a reflection. She asks Marshall to enhance it. What comes up is the sadistic dentist of Asian persuasion. Syd is rightfully horrified. And so is Marshall. We move quickly to the Conference Room of Endless Expositions, where Dix is informing the troops that SDAP was the lead scientist in charge of conducting Russia's Passenger experiments. Jack speaks up and says that SDAP has been in contact with Sloane at least twice in the past four months. "Most likely to help him procure Rambaldi fluid," says Jack. Vaughn wants to know about Moronen and Sark. Dix responds that, as of now, the CIA has no evidence linking them to SDAP. "Their whereabouts remain unknown," says Dixon. "If the satellites had been tasked, like I asked, that may not be the case," says Vaughn. Weiss is all, dude? The satellites were a little bit busy checking shit in the Baltics, okay? Vaughn's all, oh, yeah, because you're SO interested in the Baltics. Weiss is all, dude? DROP IT. Dix steps in. "Vaughn? This is not the time."
Syd decides it's time for her to bring the focus back to, um, her. She asks where SDAP is now. Well, according to Dixon, he's at a Cuban bioweapons facility. Syd and Vaughn are charged with heading to the location and finding out everything there is to know about The Passenger experiments. Meanwhile, Jack will work with Katya in order to locate Sloane. And get himself a little Russian booty action. Everyone gets up to leave. On their way out, Jack asks Vaughn to spare a minute. Vaughn stops. Jack's all, dude. I feel your pain. I know why you checked yourself out of medical early. I know why you thought that getting back to work would be a good thing. "Get to the point, Jack," says Vaughn. Hee. "My point is, your rage is seething under the surface," says Jack. "I know, because I've been there. And I promise you, if you don't resolve this as quickly and expediently as you can, it will spill over into every aspect of your life, including the professional and personal relationship with my daughter, and I do not want you endangering her."
Vaughn's all, yeah. Thanks. I'm doing the best I can at the moment. Do you have any other suggestions? Jack's all, yeah, actually, I think you should achieve closure on this as SOON as is humanly possible. "No one wants [Moronen] in custody more than I do," says Vaughn. "That's not the kind of closure I'm referring to," says Jack. He pulls out a key and hands it to Vaughn. Vaughn's all, what's this? Jack's all, dude? It's a key to my storage facility. You've been there before. In there, you'll find false IDs, weapons, contact sheets, as well as disposal facilities capable of dealing with Moronen's remains. Vaughn's all, oh, yeah, nice. Thanks. That may be your way of dealing with this shit, but it ain't mine, okay? "Keep it," says Jack, walking away. Vaughn looks after him, his forehead developing an extra shelf to deal with the sudden appearance of a whole new slew of wrinkles.
While Vaughn's cultivating facial features, Jack's hanging with Katya, going over Sloane's paper trail. This scene, by the way, is totally unnecessary, and really only serves to give Katya a chance to make a pass at Jack. Case in point, Jack's all business, but Katya just wants to talk about Irina and Sloane's affair and did Jack know about it? Jack's all, uh, yeah, your sister? Had a LOT of secrets, okay? Katya doesn't really give a shit about her sister right now, seeing as she's fairly content to gorge herself on Irina's sloppy seconds. Katya balls-out tells Jack that she finds him sexy. "Deal with it," she smirks. I just…yeah. There's not an actor in the world who could pull off that line. Isabella does her best, but…no. Just. No. Jack, of course, would rather shove a lit tiki torch up his left nostril than acknowledge his own inherent sexiness, so he just asks something about a company called Dayton Electrical. Katya rolls her eyes hilariously and falls back on the sofa, peeved that the throwing herself at Jack plan didn't pan out. By the way, Sloane apparently hired Dayton Electrical for something. Katya reveals that this company is a subcontractor that did work in a bunch of different places, one of them Chamonix. Remember Chamonix? Well, you should, because the central villain in that episode is about to play a very important role here in a few minutes.
After Jack realizes the Chamonix connection, he and Katya conclude that Vivica A. Fox might have designed a security system for Sloane, so she'll probably know where he is. Jack gets on the horn and tells someone that he's going to be dropping by Vivica's cell in a few hours. Jack gets up to leave, and Katya gives the pass thing one more try, this time disguising it as an offer to lend Jack a sympathetic ear and a shoulder to cry on about the whole Irina/Sloane affair. Jack just walks off as Katya stares at his ass.
Cuba. You know, I'd try to come up with something funny for this location, but that would take more time than I care to invest in this recap at the moment. Two guys are sitting in front of a dirty little house on the beach. Syd comes swimming up and lunges out of the water, speaking Spanish. What's she say? I really don't care. This season's almost over, thankfully, and I'd like to get to the end of it (and this recap) with as little annoyance as possible. So, Syd's yammering in Spanish. The two guys try to help her. And that's when Vaughn, looking totally delish in a rubber wetsuit (rubber + Vaughn = Happy Regina), pops up out of the water and drops the two guys with a couple of tranq darts. He and Syd make their way into the house.
Inside, SDAP is performing some rather nasty experiments on what looks like a fish or something. I have no idea. Vaughn and Syd come around the corner. SDAP, not seeing them, just bitches that he said no disturbances and he meant no disturbances! Syd's all, yeah, I think you can make an exception for an old friend, no? Then she knocks him out with the butt of her gun. After they've strapped SDAP's arms to his wheelchair, Syd smacks him awake and tries to get him to remember her from Taipei. Syd asks him what info he gathered from her little sister back in the day. SDAP, who is now trembling like a lilac bush in a summer storm, just says, "Drawings…numbers." Like, this is the guy who used to torture people with a smile on his face? He's not all that tough now that he doesn't have his dental tools. Or the use of his legs.
So, yeah, whatever, SDAP tells Syd that little Nadia drew an equation and coordinates that would lead to a place. Syd's all, oh, yeah? And where is this place? And what're we supposed to find there? "Rambaldi…" whines SDAP. "What, his body? His gravesite? His consciousness? What?" stammers Syd. Before SDAP can answer, Vaughn practically shouts, "Where's Arvin Sloane?" Syd kind of looks at him like, dude? One thing at a time, okay? SDAP's all, uh? Sloane? No idea. Vaughn doesn't like this answer, so he does what any person would in this situation: he picks up a tester rod, dips it in a beaker of acid, and drips a bit onto SDAP's leg. This scene is so gross and wrong that I barely even notice that there's absolutely no way Vaughn could have known what was in the beaker in the first place. Vaughn's all, I know you can't feel this, dude, but you can see it, and you can imagine what it'll feel like when I just drop the rest of this beaker all over you. Syd's all, dude? You're losing it. SDAP's all, dude? You're losing it. I'm all, dude? It's lost.
Vaughn presses SDAP for more info on Sloane. SDAP finally offers up that he and Sloane met in Zurich and discussed inoculations and The Passenger. "Where is he?" asks Vaughn threateningly. Syd sort of lamely steps forward. "Vaughn," she says in an almost tearful tone. Vaughn ignores her. SDAP still answers that he has no idea where Sloane is. Vaughn's all, spill it, dude. Or I'm spilling this acid on you. Syd once again tries to stop Vaughn, saying that he shouldn't do this. "Why not?" bites Vaughn. "He would." Well, yes, Vaughn. But I think the point here is that you wouldn't normally do something like this, so would you please tell the real Vaughn to come out and play and leave the Sybil-ing to Sally Field? SDAP breaks down crying and says that if he knew Sloane's whereabouts, he would tell them. "Wrong answer," says Vaughn, letting loose with the acid. SDAP shrieks, and Syd looks at Vaughn like he has little red horns growing out of his head and a twisty red tail poking out of his ass.
After the break, we catch up with Vivica and Jack in her cell. This scene? Also kind of unnecessary. I mean, the acting's great and everything, but Jack's there to find out where Sloane is, Vivica wants something in return for her intel, Jack gives it to her, Vivica talks and…well…end of story, really. Vivica wants time served if she helps Jack get Sloane. She designed a killer system for Sloane two years ago, but she only drew up the specs; the actual job was contracted out. So, she actually doesn't know where the system was installed. "But you could find out," grits Jack. "I probably could," sasses Vivica. Jack sizes her up and finally agrees to the time served deal, saying he can have it in writing within the hour. "Now, what do you need?" he asks. Vivica just smirks at him.
Meanwhile, on a plane somewhere, Vaughn's keeping with the crazy as he tells Syd that he talked to Dixon, and by the time they land, they might have a location for Sloane. Syd's all, yeah, tell it to someone else, DAHMER. What you did to SDAP was bullshit. Vaughn's all, oh, yeah? Well, you wouldn't say that if I'd gotten something outta him. Syd's all, dude? That is SO not the point. Vaughn's all, yeah, I know. The point is, we're trying to find your sister, remember? They continue bickering and bitching at each other, pretty much getting nowhere. Vaughn was out of line, he knows it, Syd knows it, we know it, and he's about thisclose to going David Koresh on our asses. "This is about you," says Syd, "and what I saw scared me." "Yeah, well, it scared me too," says Vaughn. "What I'm willing to do to find her…when I was with [SDAP], all I could think of was, if we could get to Sloane, we'll get to her. Now, I want to find your sister…but I need to find my wife." Watch it, Vaughn. You're so bitter you're lemon-fresh. Vaughn continues that Moronen can't be allowed to get away with what she's done. Syd's all, yeah, well, she just might, cowboy. And you're gonna have to be prepared to deal with that. Vaughn just glowers off into the corner, followed closely by his little hovering black cloud of hate.
Vivica's Villa. V's putting on some killer lipstick, the first time she's probably seen the color red in months. Marshall's sitting behind her, geeking on about how she got a gigajoule from a gas generator. They exchange some geekspeak as Marshall tells V that the program he's designed will search multiple databases for any shipments of the equipment necessary to build the security system V designed. V's impressed by the size of Marshall's…brain. She asks him how long it took him to come up with that program, and he just modestly responds that he did it on his lunch break. V sidles up to him and says, "I want you." Marshall looks up. "C-come again?" Hee. "To work for me," continues V. "How much do they pay you?" Marshall's all, uh, a lot. A lot a lot a lot. V tells him that if he works with her, she'll give him a base of a million a year. Marshall turns her down, saying that he gets really good medical, and pulls out a picture of little Mitchell. He likes working for the good guys, thanks. No offense. Women like V don't get easily offended, so they end on a good note.
Marshall's program bleeps at him, and he discovers that Sloane built the security system outside of Kyoto. Wow. That's…that's a pretty advanced program, there, chief. V asks when they head out for Kyoto. Marshall's all, uh, dude? You're just supposed to tell me how to bypass the system. V's all, yeah, I wish. Sloane had me give him seven variables and I won't know which one he's used until I access the on-site junction box. Oh, and I look hot in fatigues. Marshall's all, uh, but you're in jail. "On-site," trills V softly. Marshall looks like he's developing a migraine. Hee.
Kyoto. Geisha my geisha. The choppers move in. V, Vaughn, and Syd are in the back of one, getting ready to drop. Syd demands that Vaughn stay on mission, no matter what happens, and make sure he protects Nadia. Vaughn's just like, yeah, sure. Your sister. S'okay if I nail my wife to a redwood and slather her with honey and release a trough of fire ants on her sorry ass first? You don't mind, do you? We don't mind, Vaughn, but I think if you ever hope to get back in Syd's good graces, not to mention her bed, you might want to think twice about offing your wife. At least wait until AFTER Nadia's rescued.
Speaking of Nadia, she's scratching on the paper again, but suddenly she kind of drifts off and stops. Sark wants to know what's going on. Sloane feared this would happen; Nadia's built up a tolerance to the Green Goo™. She needs rest. "Or a stronger dose," offers up Moronen. Way to care, Florence Not-ingale. Sloane says that a stronger dose might render Nadia brain damaged. "She could die," concludes Sloane. "But we would have the equation, wouldn't we?" snits Sark. "Don't," grits Sloane. "Don't push me, Julian." Moronen grabs the vial of Green Goo™ and declares that they've all made sacrifices and it's about time he started making some as well. Oh, whatever, Moronen. Your moment in the sun is WAY over.
The Save Nadia Squad drops down from the chopper. In broad daylight. Lord. The squad lands, and Syd informs the team that they've landed. Weiss, riding along in a Hummer, responds that the Bravo team is rolling hot. There's some shooting and guards dropping. The Bravo team takes out the remaining guards and gets into position. The Squad heads over to the junction box as Sloane hooks Nadia up to a big-ass IV bag of Green Goo™. He assures her she'll be okay. "No, I won't," she weakly responds. "I guess the angel isn't coming." Yes, she is, Nadia. And she's brought her hot security chick friend and totally cute ex-boyfriend with her! Sloane goes to plug the IV into Nadia's hand, but stops. "Arvin…" says Moronen with a warning note in her voice. "I'm so sorry," says Sloane, caressing his daughter's face. Just then, two armed thugs enter the room and pull their guns on Sark and Moronen. "I made a terrible mistake," says Sloane. Sark and Moronen just look at him like, oh, great, now we have to engage in a really stupid and lame fight that will only just get broken up in two seconds flat, and then the show will end and we'll be no closer to finding out what Nadia's writing, like, EVER.
Another commercial break. I never thought I'd say this, but I was totally grateful for the breaks in this episode. There were about four or five in total, and dudes? I LOVED THEM. This episode couldn't end fast enough for me. So, yeah, the Squad makes it to the junction box. V taps into it. Back with Sloane, he's offering the Glimmer Twins a deal: leave quietly, and leave unharmed. Moronen and her big mouth of Chiclet teeth saunter up and blather something at Sloane about how he reminds her of her father or something. I just want this to be over, people. While Moronen's using her strongest asset (namely, her big fat mouth), Sark presses a button on his watch and a hidden panel in the Rambaldi Green Goo™ carrying case slides back to reveal two guns. Sark grabs them and shoots the thugs, somehow completely missing Sloane.
Back with V. She easily hacks into the system and tells Syd that it'll be down in seven seconds. Syd tells Weiss to wait for the go code. He copies that. Vaughn orders V to get to the rendezvous point. She happily heads off. Syd gives Bravo the go code, and they blow the front doors wide open. They enter and take out all the guards as Syd and Vaughn enter the house from a different direction. Moronen's obviously hooked Nadia up to the IV, because Nadia starts gasping and jerking around. Sloane, standing off to the side with Sark holding a gun to his head, says through clenched teeth, "You will regret this." And that's when Syd and Vaughn storm into the room and start shooting. As the chaos breaks, Sloane removes the IV needle from Nadia's hand. Sark and Moronen run off, and Vaughn runs after them. Syd's all, dude? What'd I say about sticking to the mission, huh? WHAT'D I SAY? Vaughn just goes, yeah, about that, I'm goin' after Moronen! Syd's all, oh, we are SO broken up, dude.
Vaughn aimlessly jogs after his wife and sees a figure coming toward him. He moves to shoot, but it's only Weiss, looking rather, erm, winded. Stay away from the Krispy Kremes, Eric. They're not doing you any good. Back with Sloane, Syd's ordering him to get away from his daughter. Syd keeps the gun trained on him as he backs away. She removes Nadia's shackles and slides her down to the ground, out of the line of fire. Two more of Sloane's thugs show up and try to hustle him out of there. Syd starts firing, but of course completely misses Sloane. Back with Vaughn, he's still running and chasing. He catches up to the Terrible Twosome, and they start shooting at him. He shoots back. Back with Syd. She fights some thugs. Then we're with V as she's running after Sark and Moronen. V's shooting at them and she's suddenly joined by Vaughn. They both shoot. What, she was in prison 24 hours ago and now she gets a gun? What's to stop her from shooting everyone in sight? God, this is stupid. Know what's more stupid? This part. Sark and Moronen run into one of the CIAs Hummers, and Moronen pulls out a rocket launcher. Yeah. A rocket launcher. It was just left behind, on the back seat, you know, like a six-pack of Diet Coke. Whatever. Moronen shoots a rocket, V and Vaughn split down the middle and heave to the side, and a truck in the distance goes up in flames. Moronen hops into the Hummer, and she and Sark drive off.
Back with Syd. More fighting. Suddenly, one of the thugs orders Syd to freeze. She's trapped. And then there's a shot. The thug falls, revealing Nadia behind him, holding a gun. She looks totally spent. Syd looks at her sister gratefully. Then we see Vaughn and Syd, supporting Nadia between them, running her up the side of a hill toward a chopper. They load her on between them and Syd tells her it's okay, that she's safe, and that Sloane will never hurt her again. "He protected me," says Nadia. Vaughn and Syd just look confused. Yeah. Join the club.
Oops Center. Dix tells Syd that Nadia's in stable condition, and the drawings and numbers they gathered from Kyoto are in analysis. Marshall says they don't have all the info, but he still might be able to extrapolate a location from what they do have. The only pimple on this otherwise well-run operation is the report Dix got from the TAC team leader that an initial failure to secure Nadia gave Sloane the opportunity to escape. Vaughn shoots a look at Syd. Yeah. He's talking about YOU, Vaughn. Dix asks Sydney if there's any truth to the report. "No, there isn't," she states, not looking at Vaughn. Out in the hall, Syd chases after Vaughn and tells him she won't cover his sorry ass again. Vaughn's all, it was a judgment call, okay? If it was the wrong one, then I'm real sorry. Syd's all, dude? You saw a chance to take out Moronen and you took it. Nice. Vaughn's all, hey, we got your sister, didn't we? What the hell are you bitching about? Syd tries to tell Vaughn that she understands what he's going through and equates his hatred of Moronen with her, Syd's, hatred of Sloane. She says that Vaughn saved her from letting her anger consume her, so why not let her do the same for him? "I told you I didn't know if we could figure out things between us," she says. "I still don't. But I do know that we can't even begin to try until you deal with this." Vaughn doesn't even say anything. Syd, realizing that Vaughn's not ready to drop this yet and is actually willing to sacrifice his would-be relationship with her, just walks off in a huff.
Elsewhere at Oops, Jack's walking through the halls. Dix catches up to him and says that Irina's affair with Sloane has been made common knowledge around the office. Dix offers to shoot the shit with him if that's what he needs to do. "I'm good," snaps Jack, turning and walking off. Later that night, we're at Katya's. There's a knock at the door. She goes to answer it, and lo and behold, it's Jack. "For the record, I can go through this alone," he says. And then he puts his hands on Katya's face and pulls her in for a kiss. Hee! But that's it. We don't see any more. I want Spy Daddy skin! NOW!
Meanwhile, across town, at Spy Daddy's Storage Facility of Wife-Killing Weapons, Vaughn enters and flicks on a light. He walks over to a wall of guns, picks one that looks suitable for putting one's wife six feet under, holds it up, looks through the sight and…pulls the trigger.
on Alias: We have to wait until May 23rd for the finale, which, I can promise you, will be nowhere NEAR as good as last year's or the year before. I will, however, still be watching with Wendy Kroy and his boyfriend, so, please, get your troughs of liquor filled and be ready to drink. It's not going to be pretty.