First and foremost, thanks be to God for all that is Kim and holy. She did a righteous job recapping the last two eps while I was in jolly old Londontown, and for that I owe her my undying love and gratitude. Kim rules.
Second and secondmost, I found the last episode so goddamn confusing that I'm not even sure I can moderately recap it in a concise fashion. Of course, I was drunk when I watched the tape, but I watched it again SOBER, and it didn't make any more sense. Maybe if I'd been on crack. Or crack and heroin. Or crack and heroin AND SUDAFED. As far as my non-addled mind could tell, however, Jack was kind of onto Evilauren, but before he could catch her red-handed, she killed her father and framed him for being the mole. Or, more correctly, according to the previouslys, Lauren tried to kill her father, but The Eyeliner of Evil wasn't strong enough or something, so Lauren's mommy had to handle the killing for her. And then it was discovered that Sloane and Senator Reed were in cahoots or something and that means that Sloane was in violation of his pardon agreement, so his ass is grass. Or, more correctly, his butt is fried. In two weeks, to be exact. And then some scar-faced dude told Syd and Vaughn that the box with "IRINA" written on it contained a plague-like bio-weapon. The Covenant refers to the bio-weapon as "The Passenger." I tell you all this not because it's my job, but because half this shit either dissolves by the middle of the episode or just flat-out disappears with no further explanation. Not that it really matters, because, dudes? Lauren is SO screwed.
And now, for your viewing pleasure, Ford Fuckus Theatre proudly presents Alias or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Drink More So This Show Actually Made Sense.
Sloane's chained to a chair. He says that he placed something powerful in the box and now the Covenant has it. He secured it with keys that Rambaldi himself had hidden. I…what? So this box that the Covenant was given in exchange for Dixon's kids was actually something Sloane put together? And how'd he secure it with keys that…shit. We're not two seconds in and I need another quart of grain alcohol to SHUT OFF THE REMAINING WORKING PORTION OF MY BRAIN just to deal with this fucking show.
"Bomani and Sark found the keys," says Sloane. Well, actually, Syd and Vaughn found the keys; Bomani and Sark just basically stole them. We catch up with Bomani and Sark as they're getting ready to open up the box. Bomani places four yellow Necco wafers onto the corners of the box. What? They look like Necco wafers, y'all. The Necco wafers sink down into the box, a mechanism clicks on, and the box opens. "Which means they have the heart," says Sloane. Inside the box is a plastic heart with a pulsating red center. The Di Regno heart. Okay, so, the Di Regno heart. It should be noted that I totally forgot about this piece of crap since it last appeared in SEASON GODDAMN TWO. For those of you curious as to its origins and purpose, I suggest you go here. And then read all about it. From that point on. Because I refuse to recap a recap. That's just lame. And time-consuming. And makes my inner ear bleed.
All we need to know, for the purposes of this recap, is that the Di Regno heart is an engine designed to power the Rambaldi machine known as "il Dire" or "The Telling." Yeah. That machine Sloane put together at the end of Season Two. As Bomani puts the heart in this humongous ancient machine that looks like it permanently lives in a back room at the Smithsonian, we hear Sloane say, "What they will witness is nothing short of a resurrection…as if Rambaldi is reaching through the centuries to deliver a message." The machine grinds and whirrs and clicks. Bomani gets a look on his face and says, "He's speaking." He moves toward the machine and bends down. A piece of parchment is racing beneath a team of stylus pens and something's being written down. That's it. That's il Dire.
Okay. What? I mean, really. WHAT? This huge-ass machine -- which has 47 parts and requires a forklift and a crane and several burly men to put it together, is powered by a plastic heart that's loaded with a fucking Rudolph nose, is so ancient that it practically spits out dust when it operates, and is apparently able to disassemble itself in a matter of seconds and shove itself into a conveniently located duffle bag -- exists solely to PRINT OUT A PIECE OF PAPER? What, so it's a giant Renaissance fax machine now? Where on EARTH do they come up with this shit? Seriously. I want a bowl of whatever the writers are smoking because that weed is tasty, man.
After the anticlimax, Dixon, who's obviously been interrogating Sloane, surmises that the Covenant is after The Passenger -- how will il Dire help them obtain it? Sloane's all, huh. Looks like you need some assistance. If I help, could you throw a brother a bone and kinda sorta forget about that execution thing? Dix is all, you know what? Sure! You want some mac 'n' cheese to go with your NOT A CHANCE IN FUCKING HELL, SLIMEBALL? Dix goes to leave, and Sloane speaks up that he'll talk to Jack about The Passenger. Dix bends over and just grits, "There will be no deal." Sloane just leans forward and hisses, "You make that quite clear." Ooooh. Was it just me, or did everyone else out there wonder how it is that Sloane is still really frickin' scary, even when he's bound and chained to a chair? I firmly believe that, like Irina, that man could do serious damage to someone even if he had no limbs, no eyes, no mouth, and one lung.
Oops Center. Syd's staring off into the distance, watching her never-really-had-him boyfriend and his not-so-subtly-duplicitous wife-type-person chatting with Marshall. Oh, give it UP, Sydney! That boy is not worth it. And neither are your bangs when they're pushed to the side like that. You look like a fifty-year-old spinster librarian. Knock it off. Agent Sean walks up and tells her that there's been a cyber-attack and that Dix is ready to brief them. Sydney, who's obviously too busy erasing her file containing variations on "Mrs. Sydney Bristow-Vaughn," doesn't even answer him. He sees her checking out the Elephants. "You know, Syd," he says, speaking for all of us, "no one would blame you if you hated him for going back to her." "He's not the one I hate," says Syd, also speaking for all of us, "how horrible does that sound?" "Well," quips Sean, "I hate her and I don't even think he's that cute." Heh. Forget Vaughn, Syd. Go for Sean. He's dreamy. And funny. And he'll let you eat corn chips in bed. Mmmm…corn chips.
Syd tries to back out of her "I hate her just for being, well, her" corner by stating that Jack thinks Lauren's the mole. Weiss is all, dude? Didn't Senator Reed confess to all those charges? Syd's all, yeah, yeah, yeah. Details, dude. I still think she's the mole. The moley moley moley mooooole. Weiss is all, okay, um, do you think she's the mole, or do you just really, really, deep down in your heart, wish she was the mole? Syd has absolutely no answer for this, primarily because it's actually BOTH.
Conference Room of Endless Expositions. Syd and Weiss enter, and Syd takes a seat right to Lauren. Dix tells the troops that a cyber-terrorist attack has been launched and that it launched from a server in Berlin. Within 24 hours, it's estimated that the virus will consume over half of all internet bandwidth. Marshall pipes up that the virus is targeting hospitals, medical research facilities, and the like. Jack states that 20 terabytes of patient data and research databases have already been corrupted. (And yes, I looked up "terabyte" -- it's a storage definition. Don't you know me at ALL by now?)
Syd's all, so, what? The Covenant is behind this? I don't know why she's even asking. The Covenant's behind everything. Terrorism. The war on Iraq. The mysterious force that steals one of my socks from the dryer every time I do laundry. Bellybutton lint. Cargo pants. Everything. Dix states that, since The Passenger is a bio-weapon (because it is, you know, IT IS), the CIA is assuming that the Covenant is launching a precursor attack on all things medical, making sure that when The Passenger is launched, hospitals and medical facilities won't be able to deal with it.
"Are these our only leads?" asks Lauren, causing Syd to look over at her sharply, obviously seeking the invisible antennae and satellite dish that she imagines should pop right out of the top of Lauren's head so she can immediately communicate any insider CIA information to her outside partner. Please, Syd! Lauren's far too sophisticated for a clunky move like that! No, she'll just slink outside and…go around the corner and use her cell phone to call her boyfriend with the info. She won't even leave Oops Center to do it! That's how bloody clever she is! Marshall answers Lauren's question by stating that the virus code has all the markings of some hacker named "Cypher," and he operates out of Berlin. Looks like Vaughn and Syd are brushing up on their German. They head off to get their op-tech from Marshall, as Lauren glares after them, doing everything but getting up onto the conference table and screaming, "Keep yer hands off mah man!" God, she's truly awful. In every sense of the word.
Marshall's Garage of Geekiness. Marshall enters, followed by Vaughn and Syd and Syd's newly appearing bangs. What, did she stop on the way to Marshall's just to fix them? Was she all, Vaughn? Hang on a minute. I need a pit stop. And then she rushed into the bathroom, whipped out her cordless curler, and went to town on her fringe? I just…these are the things that bother me about this show. Well, these things and the fact that NOTHING EVER MAKES SENSE. Okay, so, anyway, comedic Marshall moment ensues, including the reveal of his super-secret hacker name: Black Kitty. Heh. That's a nice hacker name, Marshall. For a GIRL. So, this Cypher guy is supposed to be at an underground club in Berlin tomorrow night.
Vaughn wants to know how they'll identify the guy, seeing as he's so private about his identity. Marshall introduces them to a pair of very cool sunglasses that double as a wireless sniffer. The glasses will locate Cypher and then, by pressing a button on the side or something, the glasses then will send Cypher a message. Oh, whatever. I can barely keep my glasses free of finger smudges and udon noodle soup splashes, so these glasses would be toast in my hands. "Are we sure he'll have his computer with him?" asks Syd. "Does a cowboy leave his gun at home when he goes to the saloon?" quips Marshall. Syd and Vaughn don't even crack a smile. "Em, erm, trust me," sweats Marshall, "he'll have it."
Florence, Italy. The place where, if the gods were being kind, I'd be right at this moment, enjoying a plate of orriechette in butter and sage and a nice, bright Florentine red. The gods apparently spit on my general existence, however, because I'm here, in Chicago, in April, AND IT'S THIRTY DEGREES OUTSIDE. Sigh. We head on over to the Covenant HQ, where Bomani has a bunch of guys in red overshirts manning computers. He asks one of them how much longer 'til they match the sequence from il Dire. The guy informs him that by tomorrow afternoon or so, the database should be complete and they should have a perfect match. Yeah, I have no idea what's going on.
Sark saunters up. Oh, how I do love to watch him saunter. Sark's all, I received a call from my associate. Bomani's all, dude? I know it's Lauren Reed, okay? You can stop calling her "associate." Hell, you could start calling her your goddamn girlfriend, what with the way you've been acting all distracted and loopy and downright undependable. Sark just smirks and tells him that the CIA has discovered Cypher's identity, but not to worry, Lauren's taking him out. In the permanent sense. Bomani just kind of purses his juicy lips and turns away, saying that Lauren's work, as of late, has been pretty goddamn crappy. "The il Dire machine is in our possession because she managed to steal it away from the CIA," says Sark, finally putting to rest in all our minds the question, "Just what in the hell happened to il Dire, anyway?" Oh, except for that part where it's 47 parts and they're all made of iron or something and there's no goddamn way that one little girl whose ass I could totally kick could wrangle that gargantuan piece of Rambaldi-esque machinery around the corner, let alone across continents.
Sark's all, dude? She's an ass. I'm sorry. I meant to say, "asset." She's a huge asset. Bomani's all, yeah, well, she's an asset to you in more ways than one and I, for one, am not interested in her bony little asset. Sark's all, okay, fine. I'll stake my reputation on her abilities. Bomani's all, oh, really? She's that good, huh? Okay. I'll hold you to your word. But make no mistake, dude. She fucks up, your gonna be buried right alongside her. Perhaps you can get matching plots? With a view? Bomani walks off, and Sark follows.
The Bedroom Of Lies And More Lies And, Oooh, Look! Some Lies! Lauren and Vaughn are both packing. Vaughn offers to go with Lauren on her trip. She reminds him that he's going to Berlin. Vaughn doesn't think she should be alone. She won't be. Mildred Pierce -- erm, "Mrs. Reed" will be there too. "Father's will made it very clear," says Lauren, "he wants his ashes scattered in Dover." Because…that's where all American senators with ambiguously accented daughters have their ashes scattered? Seriously. Was the senator actually a Brit in his early years? That lineage just…where do those people come from? And do the powers that be on this show think we don't have EARS? The girl is NOT AMERICAN, people. God. GOD.
Whatever, Lauren's bitching about how everyone at the CIA looks at her as if she's a guilty, lying, evil slut. She's very perceptive, this Lauren. There's more back and forth between them, and I think we're supposed to find Lauren's "poor me, my daddy's a traitor" performance so convincing that we almost feel sorry for her, but the only person I wound up feeling sorry for was Vaughn and, I gotta tell ya, I am sick and fucking tired of feeling sorry for Vaughn. Get a CLUE already! Your wife is EVIL! And this speech she gives? About thinking you know someone, and love someone, and then you find out it's all lies? That has ANVIL written clearly across it, people. The speech goes something like this: "He was my father! You have no idea what it's like to think you know someone, to love them, and then figure out it was nothing but lies." Wait, what? Who? Like your father? Like VAUGHN'S FATHER? Like YOU? Like everyone in this damn show except for Vaughn and Sydney? I just…shut up, Boren.
Berlin. But The Part Of Berlin No One Tells You About Because This Is A Dark And Secret Cyber-Goth Club Especially For Cybergoth Punks Of The Matrix Variety. "GERMAN TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING," sayeth my closed captioning. And you know? I'm inclined to believe it. We're at a cyber-goth club or something. The cyber-goths, they are a-partying. The cyber-goth waitresses, they are a-serving. And they're all wearing these Chinese-type dresses and matching black and red wigs. Syd and some guy with punked-out hair and black eyeliner stroll through the crowded dance floor. I don't know who HE is, but he looks real purdy. They move through the crowd and Syd tries out her special glasses a couple of times, coming up with nothing. "Get anything?" says Syd's date. "Not yet," says Syd and OH MY GOD IS THAT VAUGHN? What's on his lip? Is that a PIERCING? And is he wearing eyeliner? And stubble? And…I think I have to lie down.
Syd finally latches onto Cypher's network, and she and Vaughn park it on a sofa, Vaughn slumping down and putting his feet up as he chomps carelessly on a piece of gum. Oh, he is killing me with this "I'm a cyber-punk, really, LOOK AT ME" thing. Syd crosses her netted legs and sends Cypher a message. He walks over and tells them that that was a nice trick, but that he'll have to fix his firewall. Syd snots that she could still get through it. Cypher's all, uh, and you are? GothVaughn just sneers, channeling Sid Vicious, and says, "We're big fans of your work." His eyeliner is…distracting. In the good way. He goes on to say that he and GothSyd were responsible for the DDOS attack on the Syrian government's network.
They continue exchanging cyber-goth tales as, over in a corner somewhere, Evilauren collects empty ashtrays and looks extremely dangerous in her red and black wig. GothVaughn and GothSyd bring up the Covenant worm and congratulate Cypher on his work. He's all, uh, yeah, not so much. I think I gotta go. He gets up to leave, pretending to be insulted that they're crediting him with the worm code. Evilauren sees her chance and takes aim with the gun she's holding beneath her tray. Just as she's about to pull the trigger, however, GothVaughn reaches up and grabs Cypher, shoving him down onto the sofa and announcing that they're CIA. Evilauren backs off.
GothSyd gets up in Cypher's face, telling him that the worm he created is helping the Covenant launch a biological weapon. You know, in case we all forgot that part. As GothSyd takes a page out of The Exposition Fairy Handbook: Exposition Dances for Dummies, Evilauren continues to look for a window of opportunity to shoot the shit outta Cypher. Cypher, to his credit, looks totally freaked at the prospect of being responsible for thousands of deaths, and just says, "I didn't know. He didn't tell me." Syd's all, WHO? Cypher's all, a guy. He was young! British! Well, that was easy. Someone call Scotland Yard and tell them that Prince Harry's abusing his cell phone privileges again!
Vaughn asks Cypher why the worm is attacking medical facilities. Cypher tells Vaughn that it wasn't designed to do that, that instead it was designed to be capable of -- BAM! Evilauren's decided to throw caution to the wind and just shoot Cypher in the neck, right in plain sight. Cypher starts choking blood. Evilauren runs off. Syd goes after her while Vaughn looks after Cypher. Suddenly, Cypher hands Vaughn something shiny. Evilauren sees this and hurries off. Before she does, however, Syd clearly spots her. Evilauren turns and moves off. Syd catches up and spins her around…only to find that it's another waitress. And that's when she sees that all the waitresses are dressed exactly alike, and that glimpse of Evilauren might just have been her imagination. Yeah, if by "imagination" you mean, "Dead on and practically psychic."
Evilauren and her Black Lipstick of Loathsomeness exit the club and immediately call Sark to complain about how that whole shooting Cypher thing didn't quite go as planned. In fact, he managed to give the virus files to the CIA. Sark's all, oh, great. Nice going, moron! If they have the source code, they can stop the worm from circulating and we'll lose everything. Moronen's all, no! It'll be okay! If I can just corrupt the original files before they make a copy…Sark's all, uh, that's a huge risk, dude. Moronen's all, oh, what, and letting Bomani know I failed isn't? Before Sark can say, "Well, actually, seeing as I'm going to shoot Bomani in just a little bit, I'd say the chances of him being any kind of risk to anyone are slim and none," Moronen hangs up the phone and runs off to pack her wig and gun and several fake passports into the false bottom of a suitcase that she's just going to leave in her closet so her husband will easily find it later and furrow his brow so hard it actually brings up the closing credits.
Uncle Arvin's Cage Of Caginess. The door buzzes, and Jack enters. Sloane leaps to his feat. So I guess he's only chained up when Dixon's around. Heh. It just occurred to me that Jack may very well be the only man that Sloane actually fears. And vice versa. Heh heh heh. Jack grits that Dixon's only given him clearance to discuss The Passenger. Sloane's all, oh, yeah, The Passenger. Whatever, dude. I already told you everything I know about that lame plotline. I just told Dix that so he'd let me spend some quality time with mah bra! What up, homie?! "This is no time for games," Jack snits. "This is no game, Jack!" Sloane almost-but-not-quite yells. "This is my life." God, I just love these two men. You know, when the stories suck and the action's lame and the sets all resemble Mexico, I may bitch and moan about this show, but it's Ron Rifkin and Victor Garber and Jennifer Garner and Michael Vartan and Greg Grunberg and David Anders and Carl Lumbly and the majority of the passing guest stars who keep me coming back. What? I'm not crying. I'm not. I'm sweating. Because the effort of loving this show, especially when it's dismal, is equivalent to running a one-minute mile, people.
Sloane spills that he was indeed working with Senator Reed, but he wasn't working to further the Covenant's agenda. Instead, he was working for an organization inside the U.S. Government known only as "The Trust." What? Seriously? "The Alliance," "The Covenant," "The Passenger," and now "The Trust"? That's almost as bad as "The Man." No, actually it's WORSE than "The Man," because Quentin Tarantino actually made "The Man" sound cool. Who comes up with these names? I can't determine if the writers are just lazy or if they're following some edict handed down by JJ himself. I mean, what's ? "The Firm"? "The Apprentice"? "The Restaurant"? Those little pishers better put down the weed and pick up a goddamn thesaurus before I brain them with a Bartlett's. I swear to God, tomorrow I'm buying a ticket to Hollywood, renting a car, driving to the Disney lot, storming into the writers' room, and TAKING AWAY EVERY LAST SPLIFF THEY HAVE IN THERE. Now, the blotter paper? The blotter paper I'm leaving. Because, really, can you imagine the names? "The Great Googly Moogly." "Kookamonga and the Krash Helmets." "Bring Me The Head Of Moronen McKugen Mogoogoo -- ooh, swirlies!"
Right. So, anyway, Reed was interested in Sloane's Rambaldi knowledge, so he made him an offer: if Sloane agreed to work with The Trust, Reed would secure his pardon. It was an offer he couldn't refuse. "And from that time on," says Sloane, "I did nothing but live up to my part of the bargain." Jack's all, okay, Sparky. I've never heard of "The Trust." Sloane's all, yeah? Well…that's because they're on super-secret probation. Or something. Or Reed was my only contact. Yeah, that's it. Jack's all, oh, really? If The Trust is real, why haven't they come to your aid? Sloane, with a trace of real panic, says, "I don't know! Maybe they were fearful of revealing themselves. Or it could be that I outlived my usefulness." He turns back to Jack. "But you ask yourself, Jack. Have I been helpful this year? Tell me, have I lived up to my word? I helped Sydney recover her memory. I took a bullet for you for God's sake!" Jack kind of rears his head back at the remembrance of the bullet. His expression's like, oh, shit. Yeah. That's right. The bullet-taking. Dammit. Thought you might've forgotten about that. Well, Sloane didn't. And now it's payback time. He wants Jack to prove that The Trust exists.
CIA Safe House Of Suspicious Spies And The Men Who Secretly Love Them Even Though They're Still Moping Around With Their Duplicitous Wives. Vaughn's sitting on the sofa, staring at a laptop. He inserts the USB flash drive that Cypher gave him at the club. Syd and her bangs enter and inform Vaughn that Cypher has died. She thinks carefully for all of three seconds and then chooses this precise moment to tell Vaughn his wife's a lying killer. "Vaughn," she says, "I think I saw Lauren." He's all, whuh? In the whuh whuh? Syd's all, think about it! The Covenant knew we were after Cypher! And your wife's a bitch with a bad accent! Vaughn's all, wait a minute here -- you think my wife is Covenant? Syd blathers and blithers about all the stuff we already know, but that Vaughn's too fucking blind to see -- namely that Reed's suicide and confession were just far too convenient and that, oh, yes, Moronen's a jackass. Vaughn's not interested in Syd's Girl Scout "Your Wife's A Murderer" cookies right now. "Lauren and her mother are in England burying her father!" he yells. Syd just looks at him. "Look," says Vaughn, stepping out onto the edge of that cliff known as About To Fuck Up Hill, "I know things haven't worked out for us the way we'd hoped --" "You think THAT'S why I'm bringing this up?" hisses a rightly indignant Sydney. "Well, honestly, I don't know what to think!" counters Vaughn. Just then, there's a knock at the door. Both Syd and Vaughn ready their guns as Vaughn goes to answer it. And behind the door is…um. I really don't know how to say this. It's Moronen. And I just now realized that this new nickname I've so brilliantly coined for Lauren is actually just a variation on "Moronica," so I'd like to take this moment to give a shout-out and thank you to the illustrious Jessica for her genius. Now, when the Alias dolls finally come out on the market, I shall be able to complete my transformation into Regessica, Recapper of All Things Supernatural and Lame.
Moronen flings herself into Vaughn's arms and twitters something about Dixon telling her where Vaughn was, which is…so fucking stupid and easily proven a lie that I can't possibly go on with this recap until I stick a chopstick so far into my ear that it comes out the other side. I mean, what? Syd totally feels the same way I do, because she makes this face like, "Man, I wanna bitch-slap that…bitch." Later, on the sofa, Moronen just yammers on about her father as Vaughn just sits there and listens. Like, dude? WHERE ARE YOUR BALLS? OR SPY SKILLS? OR BRAIN? We get yet another mention of how Moronen grew up in England, you know, just in case we'd forgotten about the OmniAccent, and Moronen turns on the crappy waterworks again. Some more. Vaughn takes her hand to comfort her and finds a huge purple rock on her right hand. Moronen lamely says that her mother gave it to her. Oh, god, this is fucking stupid.
Outside on the porch -- wait. What? Do safe houses have porches? Aren't they safe houses because they don't have porches? Um. I think I might need to have Julio crank the chopstick around in a circle a wee bit before continuing. Right. Out on the porch, Syd makes a phone call to Mrs. Reed. Syd's pretending to be a secretary from Director Pembrook's office, and she's trying to trick Mama Reed into giving up that Lauren's actually never been with her, thereby backing up Syd's theory that Lauren was at the club last night. But Mama Reed's cool as a cucumber and just tells Syd that Lauren's in Berlin and that she left just a few hours ago, pretty much putting Syd's super-sneaky plan in the garbage.
Meanwhile, in some torrential downpour south of Hell-Lay, Jack meets up with a shadowy contact dude who's sucking on a stogy. Jack tells him he needs information on The Trust. "If there were such a group, where would the appropriations come from?" asks Jack. "Intelligence budgets are classified," states Stogy. "What makes you assume it's intelligence?" asks Jack with a glint of "aha!" in his eye. Stogy just stares at him. Jack needs evidence that The Trust exists. Stogy declares that "these people" are powerful, and by checking them out, he puts himself at risk. And just why in the hell should he do that for Jack? "Because then I will be in your debt," says Jack. "I'm sure you remember how useful that can be." Heh. Stogy takes one last look at the man who has him by the balls and walks away.
CIA Safe House Of For God's Sake Figure It Out Already. Vaughn's at the computer, tapping away. Syd enters, and Vaughn tells her that Marshall's standing by for the Cypher info. They're almost a quarter of the way through copying the Cypher info, which…is good, I guess? I don't know. Moronen's in the kitchen, ostensibly making coffee, but really setting her ring to fuck up the computer. She enters the living room and puts a mug of coffee down to the computer. The Foley dude has his fun with a little "thhhwick" sound as the Ring of Wrongness hesitates right to the keyboard. Syd, of course, being of superhuman powers, hears the "thhhwick" and cops a curious glance at the ring. Moronen straightens up and holds out a mug to Sydney, saying she heard they were up all night. "I'm good, thanks," says Syd, doing everything in her power not to say, "Take your coffee and stick it up your golden cherry, dipshit. I'm not buying your biscuits on ANY day, least of all today."
Oops Center. Marshall has bad news. Hm. I wonder what that could be? Could it be that the memory card Vaughn and Syd brought back from Berlin was completely wiped? It was as if…it had been hit with a strong magnetic field. Huh. Imagine that. Syd's all, how is that even possible? I mean, even in Alias-land, where pretty much ANYTHING is possible? Marshall's all, uh, considering there hasn't been a solar flare for over 24 hours and this isn't the deck of the Nebuchadnezzar, I'd say it was done intentionally. Vaughn, still living deep in the depths of La La La I Can't Hear You Ville, asks if it's possible that Cypher corrupted the data before he handed it over. Marshall doesn't think so. "So, we've lost everything?" asks Syd. Nope. Looks like Marshall's been able to partially reconstruct the files. Oh, that Marshall. He's so handy. Marshall tells them that he discovered that the worm's real purpose isn't to destroy data, it's to gather it. It's an intelligence-gathering worm. The point? The Covenant's looking for something. "What?" Syd tersely asks. He hasn't figured that out yet. But, until he figures it out, he's set it up so the worm's no longer corrupting data and the information it's gathering? Well, it's coming right into the good ol' CIA databases. Just for safekeeping.
Over in Bomani's Boom Boom Room…Bomani's just discovered that the CIA has cut the feed, so the worm isn't working anymore. He spies Sark milling around on the outskirts of the room, stomps right over, and grabs his twee little neck in one huge manicured hand. "Tell me why I shouldn't snap your neck right now!" he hisses. Well, because Sark hasn't taken his shirt off nearly enough this season, Boom Boom. That's reason enough to spare him. Sark just coolly reminds him that it was he, Sark, who secured Boom Boom's release from the Russian prison, so maybe he should think twice about that whole killing thing. Boom Boom lets him go (and, yes, I am clearly enjoying calling someone as manly as Djimon Hounsou "Boom Boom"; I am also clearly enjoying this nice Pinot Grigio that my ex-boyfriend Ewan McGregor sent me for my birthday yesterday. Thanks, Ewan! You're a sweetie! Kiss kiss!) and steps back. Sark just says that the Rambaldi work means as much to him as it does to Boom Boom and that he clearly overestimated Moronen's abilities. You sure did, bub. Sark's going to make sure that Moronen gets them the intel they're looking for and, once she passes it over, he'll waste her. Thank God. Finally.
Oops Center. The Division Of Dads And Daughters Discussing Evil Wives. Syd and Jack are having a meeting of the minds on Moronen. Syd believes that Moronen corrupted the file while they were in Berlin. Jack's a little more dubious. But Syd basically convinces him that Moronen is, indeed, just that stupid. Jack's all, and what about Vaughn? Is he on board with this evil wife shit? Syd's all, nah. He won't even entertain the possibility. He's such a dumbass. "It's like he can't hear it," she says. "Perhaps he can't hear it from you," says Jack. Ooooh. This oughta be good.
Firing Range Of Clueless Cuckolds. Vaughn's taking some shots at a target. Jack walks up. Vaughn removes his headphones and protective eyewear and shows us just how to wear a white t-shirt beneath a blue oxford. Yum. Vaughn's all, yeah? I guess Sydney spoke to you, huh? Jack's all, pretty much, dude. Now, hear me out, okay? And then he launches into this HUGE speech that I am SO not recapping. Not because it isn't good or anything, but because it goes on forever and all he really says is, your wife is a double agent and you'd better watch out for her. He blah blahs about how his marriage to Irina, in spite of everything, was a happy time for him, and how it was easy being with her. But there were times, moments, when he became curious about her activities without him. Where'd she go? What'd she do? Who'd she do? You know the score. Sometimes she'd answer. And sometimes, she'd just walk over and lay some lip lovin' on him. And this made him suspicious. What if she was just evading the truth? What if…she was really in cahoots with the Covenant and Sark and killed people on a whim and stole secrets from the CIA and IF YOUR WIFE DOES THIS VAUGHN THEN SHE'S TOTALLY A DOUBLE AGENT AND YOU SHOULD TOTALLY KILL HER.
Or something like that.
Jack yammers on some more about not regretting his marriage because he has Sydney because of it, but all I can really pay attention to is how Vaughn's face is getting this twist to it that I've never actually seen before. His nostrils are racked up in the middle of his eyeballs, they're so torqued. And his mouth? You could cut a watermelon with the sharpness of that sneer. "All I'm asking is that you be responsive to the signs," says Jack. "If and when they present themselves." In other words, YOUR WIFE'S A DOUBLE AGENT AND YOU SHOULD TOTALLY KILL HER. I really don't know how much plainer he could be. Vaughn looks down at the floor, biting back his fury. I'm not being dramatic, people; he really looks like that. "You never respected me," he grits. "Never thought I was worthy of your daughter. So I'm not surprised you're so quick to think that Lauren is betraying me. But whether or not you or Sydney believe me, I know the life I'm living. And I know the woman I'm married to. Lauren is not Irina. And I. Am. Definitely. NOT. You." Vaughn grabs his gun and clip and storms off, leaving Jack to wonder whether or not he should just pick up a random gun and shoot Vaughn in the balls, just to see if he even HAS any.
Marshall's Garage Of Geekiness. Marshall and Syd are hanging out, looking at a screen with DNA strands on it. Turns out, the Covenant was looking for DNA. Specifically, the DNA of a woman. "Have they found a match?" asks Syd. Actually? They've found ten. Ten matches to one genetic code. Which is…yeah, impossible, right? Pretty much. This means that the person they're looking for uses ten different identities. They rush off to brief Dixon, passing through Oops Center as they go. Of course, they pass Moronen, who looks after them evilly, then gets up and goes directly to Marshall's office, which is…again, so incredibly stupid that I must immediately drink more. Mmmm…Pinot Grigio…how perfect on this lovely spring evening.
As Moronen heads off to Marshall's office, Agent Sean looks after her briefly, just so we know he saw where she went. Once in Marshall's office, Lauren opens up a silver compact, removes the back, types something into the keyboard, and suddenly, she's downloading all the info. It's at zero percent. Back in Oops, Vaughn walks up to Moronen's desk and sees she's not there. The Strings of Tension So Taut You Could Twang It pluck across the soundtrack. Vaughn walks over to Weiss and asks if he's seen Moronen. He sure has. She's in Marshall's office. More Strings. We're at 42%. Vaughn gets stopped by some lackey to sign some document entitled "Memo to Vaughn: Hurry! Your wife's a spy!" More Strings. 78%. 84%. Aaaand…100%. She packs up her compact and turns to leave, bumping into her husband on the way out. She's all, you scared me! He's all, I was looking for you. She's all, oh, I was just leaving a present for Marshall's baby. Vaughn looks behind her and, indeed, there is a little present on the desk. Um, so what? She's psychic now? Or does she just carry around little bear presents just in case she's discovered? I…just…sigh.
So, Vaughn says he was going to have lunch at Café Stella, would Moronen care to join him? She's all, sure! I just have to run some errands first. Vaughn asks if she wants company. She's all, uh, yeah, sure. If I weren't running off to deliver classified CIA intel to my new boyfriend! Duh! I'll meet you there in an hour, okay? And get off my leg. Mommy needs space. No, really, Julio. GET OFF MY LEG. Mommy's new boyfriend Gerard Butler is coming over any minute to celebrate her birthday and BACK OFF. God. A good manservant is so hard to find.
Speaking of hard to find, Moronen isn't. Hard to find, that is. She's walking down a busy Hell-Lay street, in search of eeeeevil. Vaughn's doing a disservice to his position as a member of the CIA by following her in a manner that is so goddamn obvious, people surrounding Moronen are all, hey, why's that guy in the suit and stubble following that chick around? Is he a stalker? Should we call someone? Moronen and her Jackie O wraparounds continue sauntering down the street. She pulls a slip of paper out of her bag and drops it in a trashcan without stopping. Vaughn sees this and goes to retrieve the paper. On it is written, "Lipstick, swampoo [that is not a typo -- that's totally what it looks like], conditioner, pay cell phone bill, gift for mom, groceries, eggs, juice, milk." What kind of half-assed list is that? My lists are itemized by date and cross-referenced by item. And she calls herself a spy? Also? She's an employee of the NSC, dudes. Ever hear of a little thing called a PDA? Yeah. Pen and pencil? Not so much for the government people, I'm thinking.
Moronen continues walking. Vaughn continues following. Badly. Moronen heads into a mall. She takes a disc out of her bag as she heads toward another trashcan, which…wait. When did she move the information from the compact to the disc? Oh, Pinot Grigio…take me away! Before Moronen can perform her dead drop, her cell phone rings. She dumps the disc back into her bag and picks up the phone. It's Sark. He tells her there's been a change in plans. Vaughn watches from behind the "You Are Here" sign. Sark tells Moronen that there's no dead drop; instead, she'll be meeting with a Covenant agent. "Who?" she asks. "Me," he responds. He's in the parking garage. Third level.
Moronen bitches at him about her precarious situation at the CIA and how this isn't the time to change protocol. She walks off toward the garage anyway. Vaughn picks up his phone and calls Weiss. "I need you to run a tap on Lauren's cell phone," Vaughn says. Oh, goody! Moronen takes the escalator down to the garage as Sark tells her that Bomani instructed him to meet with her face-to-face. As Sark and Moronen continue gabbing about Bomani, Weiss is back in the office, running the trace. He discovers that the call is encrypted and surmises that Moronen must be talking to the NSC. Vaughn tells him to run it through a filter. Or something. Weiss goes to work.
Moronen gets off the escalator as Sark tells her he'll be in the northwest corner of the garage. "You came all this way?" she asks, obviously suspicious. "Almost there," says Weiss. "We need to talk," says Sark. Moronen appears at the illuminated end of the garage. Sark is in darkness. "There are other ways to communicate," says Moronen. "Yes, but he insisted we meet face-to-face," says Sark, moving toward her. Suddenly, Psychic Moronen senses all is rather stinky in the state of Denmark. "What else did Bomani tell you?" says Moronen, as Sark appears, walking toward her. "Did he instruct you on the quietest way to murder me?" "Absolutely not," he says, fingering the silencer in his pocket. Yeah. I wish. "You pathetic little errand boy," she spits. Okay, well, if he wasn't going to murder you before, Moronen, then he's certainly going to murder you NOW. There's a reason you're called Moronen, you know.
Weiss is still working on the filter thing. "Tell Bomani he'll get proof of my worth the time he sees me," Moronen shrills, "when I deliver The Passenger." "Okay, I got it," says Weiss. Vaughn's still watching from his post above the escalator, but now he's tapped into Moronen's phone call. He sort of hears the rest, through a lot of fuzz and feedback. "After all that we've been through, how could you do this?" she shrills some more. "I thought I could rely on you, especially now. I'll never forgive you for this." After all that you've been through? After what? A couple of murder sprees and a roll in the hay do NOT a relationship make, my dear. Trust me. I speak from experience. "Okay…" says Weiss. "What the hell was that?" "I have no idea," says Vaughn, hanging up.
Café Stella. Moronen's waiting patiently for her husband. When he shows up, she smiles delightedly at him. He takes a seat and asks how her errands went. She tells him they were fine. Except for that part where she thought Sark was going to kill her. Vaughn's all, yeah? So what'd you do? She's all, oh, just…things. "Okay…" he says, not willing to let it go. "Like…what kind of things?" Psychic Moronen strikes again. "Truth is, I got a call from my mother," she says. She goes on to say Mama Reed was bombarding her with questions, blaming her for not seeing through her father sooner. See? That's how she can explain away the last part of the call. So, if someone was listening…you know, just for that last part? Well, this excuse might explain it away. Okay. Right. So, Lauren's an idiot. That much we've established. But she's also…a savant? She's an IDIOT SAVANT? Maybe she can count toothpicks and cards too! Maybe she can help me win in Vegas the time I'm there because, dudes? Regina needs a new pair of Prada.
Of course, Vaughn the Ball-Less quickly caves, thinking the best of his wife, even though she's an idiot savant spy with bad eyebrows. Back in Oops Center, Dix and Syd are doing their version of the walk-and-talk. Dix confirms that the ten names that matched the DNA were all just aliases for the same woman. Syd surmises that it's possible that il Dire gave this info to Sloane as well as the message of "peace." Dix says that they ran a crosscheck on all the aliases and medical information, and it turns out that this woman was always treated by the same physician, Doctor Robert Viadro. His practice is in Milan, and Syd and Vaughn are heading there tonight.
Milan. I…have nothing smart to say about Milan, other than that I wish I were there right now. We're at a beautiful house with a fountain. A doorbell rings. We're inside the house, watching as Dr. Viadro, played by Vincent Riotta of Under The Tuscan Sun, goes to answer the door. And I must note here that, while I declared Vincent the un-cute one from the movie, that doesn't mean I didn't like him. In fact, I was secretly hoping that Frances would get together with him at some point, even though he wasn't in the book, nor would their getting together at some point actually be a good thing. I just liked him a lot. He was sweet and hunky and oh, so Italian. Ahem. So. Dr. Viadro goes to answer the door. Unfortunately, it's neither Syd nor Vaughn. Instead, it's Moronen. And she needs to speak with him. "It concerns The Passenger," she says, lifting up her gun and pointing it at his head. She pushes her way in, and we go to black. Ten more minutes and I'm going to be knee-deep in even more Ewan-purchased Pinot and a whole lotta Gerard. Mmmm. Those Scotsmen. Keep 'em coming. And coming. And…excuse me.
Back with Viadro and Moronen. He backs up and says, "The Covenant!" "That is none of your con--" Viadro knocks her gun out of her hand. She dives for it as he grabs a vase and chucks it at her -- sadly, not really doing any damage. He runs up some stairs. She follows. He runs into a room and shuts the door. She finds the room and tries the door. Locked. Inside the room, Viadro runs into a closet and shoves a coat off a wall, revealing a code entry panel which, actually, the coat knocked off at first. I mean, when I rewound the tape, Viadro knocked the coat off, and the front of the panel totally came off. The actor, Vincent, deftly puts the front back in place, but if you watch carefully, you can totally see the front flipping off. Which, um, would make it a pretty ineffectual little code panel, now wouldn't it? Heh. It's the little things that bring me joy.
So, whatever, he enters a code. Outside, Moronen shoots the door open and busts her way in. In the closet, Viadro gets the secret door to the panic room open and slips inside. He hits a button to close the door, but Moronen makes it there in time to shove the door back like a defunct elevator door. Like, what? What kind of panic room comes with a door that easily retracts? The whole POINT of the panic room is to…glug. Glug glug glug. "Good," says Moronen as she enters. "We have some privacy." Before Viadro can do anything, Moronen decks him with the gun and he goes down.
Outside the house, a car pulls up. Syd and Vaughn get out. In the panic room, Viadro's tied to a chair. Moronen's sticking him with what I presume is truth serum, otherwise known as sodium pentothal. "Where is The Passenger?" asks Moronen. Viadro doesn't answer. "I said, WHERE IS THE PASSENGER?" "She…she is safe," is all Viadro answers. Syd and Vaughn enter the open door with their guns drawn. They see the broken vase and proceed cautiously through the house. Suddenly, Syd goes, "Vaughn." Vaughn joins Syd as she's looking at a vase. "Rambaldi," says Syd. Sure enough, on the vase is the symbol of Rambaldi followers. And if you need me to explain what that is, then you really shouldn't be watching this show or reading this recap. Especially if you're not drunk.
Vaughn says he'll go check upstairs. Syd looks off into the distance in search of a future plotline that involves killing Moronen. Back in the panic room, Moronen decides that stabbing Viadro in his right hand will elicit the information she's seeking. He screams, but nothing is heard outside the walls of the room. Vaughn certainly doesn't hear anything as he lopes up the stairs. Downstairs, Syd continues carefully walking through the rooms. Just then, a car pulls up outside with a bunch of bad guys. Well, they're wearing dark glasses, so they must be bad guys. They get out with submachine guns and enter the house.
Inside the house, Syd still continues to carefully walk around. That is, until one of the bad guys enters and starts shooting the shit outta the place. One of the bad guys heads up the stairs and starts shooting at Vaughn. Vaughn takes him out with two shots. He kills him, people. I think the balls are making a comeback. Syd turns a corner and gets into it with one of the baddies. There's punching and kicking and Baddie floors Syd with an ankle kick. He has her down on the ground, his right hand on her throat, his left hand on her right arm. Syd looks over and sees the symbol on his hand. They're not Covenant. They're Order of Rambaldi. Which is kind of like the Templars, but with less money. And a lot more freaks, apparently.
Upstairs, Vaughn makes it into the room with the panic room. He looks around, sees the hidden door and the panel. Back downstairs, Syd delivers a couple of floor-driven roundhouse kicks to Baddie. Upstairs, Vaughn easily pulls off the face of the code panel (heh). Inside the panic room, Viadro grunts in pain as Moronen taunts him. As Vaughn works the panel, something sparks on one of the security screens in the background. Moronen sees her husband doing his damnedest to get inside. She also sees Sydney downstairs with the Baddie. Her inner monologue? OH, SHIT. Her actual dialogue? "Damn it!" She turns to Viadro and grabs his ear, moving as if to slice it off with her knife. "Tell me what I need to know!" "I'll tell you!" sputters Viadro.
Outside, Vaughn's making progress with the panel. Downstairs, Syd's still fighting it out with Baddie. Oh, and it's ALL Jennifer Garner, by the way. If it isn't, then her stunt double looks just like her. She drops Baddie with a solid kick, only to have another Baddie enter the room. Before we can even think, "How's she gonna handle THIS one?" Syd looks to her right, spies a big-ass globe, and kicks it directly into Baddie 2. Again. That was Garner. Or a really good job by the guy with access to Photoshop. The gun's out of Baddie 2's hands, but he's still up. Syd leaps up and does a flying kick to his head. I'm willing to bet that wasn't Garner, but I don't care at this point. I'm just loving this scene.
Baddie 2 responds to the head kick by grabbing a mace off the wall and going to town. Syd's the mayor of this town, however, and she's not letting any invaders past the gate. There's kicking and punching and Syd grabs a silver tea tray and basically shoves it up Baddie 2's crotch. Then she delivers a beautiful roundhouse kick that drops him for good. Back upstairs, Vigilant Vaughn is still going at the damn code panel. He finally opens it and enters to find Viadro, still in the chair, bleeding profusely from several wounds. "The Passenger…" says Viadro, as Vaughn looks around the room for an enemy. "I have betrayed her…" Vaughn looks up at the ceiling and sees a trap door, open. Um…yeah. Because panic rooms are all about TRAP DOORS. Like, what? Did anyone SEE Panic Room? I mean, no one WANTED to see it, but it's been on cable, right? No trap doors in there, okay? NONE. Sigh. Where's the wine?
Vaughn starts to untie Viadro. "I have betrayed her," says Viadro, obviously in pain. "Betrayed who?" asks Vaughn. "Years spent protecting her…and now she's alone…" "Who's 'she'? Who are you protecting?" Sydney enters and breathlessly tells Vaughn that the guards were Order of Rambaldi. "You're the one," says Viadro. "The one from the prophecy." He reaches out and grabs Syd's gun and points it at her. Syd backs off. Vaughn points his gun at Viadro. "Drop it!" shouts Vaughn. "You will not hurt her," says Viadro. BAM! Vaughn shoots Viadro dead. Well. That was smart. You couldn't have just shot him in the hand, thus disarming him? I mean, at least then you could've found out just WHO THE PASSENGER WAS. I appreciate that Vaughn was protecting his non-girlfriend, but dude? THINK A LITTLE BEFORE YOU SHOOT. Okay?
Bomani's Boom Boom Room. Moronen enters and walks in slo-mo across what looks to be a balcony. She walks down some stairs and toward Bomani. She hands him a disc. "Here it is," she says smugly. "Everything you need to find The Passenger." Boom Boom looks at it. "You went to great lengths to secure this information," he thrums. His voice thrums, people. It does. "Thank you." Moronen's all, so? Still think I'm useful? Boom Boom's all, oh, sure, yes, of course. Except for this part where I'm going to pull a gun on you and tell you the Covenant has no more use for your services. Moronen looks panicked until there are shots fired from over the balcony. Boom Boom goes down. Sark was the shooter. Oh, what? We sacrificed a hot guy for MORONEN? That's just soooo wrong. Sark looks down at Moronen. "I went to Los Angeles to warn you, not kill you," he says. "Perhaps in the future, you should try trusting me more." Well, I trust you now. Does that mean you'll kill Moronen for me? Because that would be just greaaaat. Moronen breathes a sigh of relief. Don't get too relaxed, there, Moronen. Your days are numbered.
Oops Center. Jack's phone rings and he picks up. It's Stogy. He informs Jack that Sloane was telling the truth. The black budget front for the trust is "Project Centigrade." Jack is in Stogy's debt. A fact which Stogy hopes to benefit from someday. "Be careful, Jack," says Stogy. "The Trust is not a group to be taken lightly." Just then, Dixon walks up and says he needs to speak with Jack in private. Uh-oh. In Dixon's office, Dix asks if Jack recalls Dix asking for Dr. Nancy's notes from her sessions with Sloane. Jack's all, yeah, so? Did they reveal anything? Um, yes, as a matter of fact. In Dr. Nancy's notes, Sloane admitted to having an affair with Irina, while she was still married to Jack. Funny. I don't remember that little tidbit of information coming up during their "sessions." I remember it coming up right outside the coat check area at the illicit non-doctor-patient-privilege restaurant meeting at which Dr. Nancy chose to wear her highly inappropriate cavernous-cleavage-revealing black dress. Was that an office visit? Because it sure as hell didn't look like one.
Well, whatever Dr. Nancy's idea of "ethics," the fact remains: Sloane shtupped Irina while you guys were hitched. Jack's expression goes from stony to stonier, then his lips kind of twitch and twist, and then his eyes go bloodless. It's…wow. Have I mentioned how much I love Victor Garber? Because if I haven't: LOVE. We hear the sound of the prison doors buzzing open. We then see Jack, slipping through the prison waters to his prey. Sloane. Jack's lips are so tight, they are nonexistent. He moves slowly to Sloane's cell. Sloane gets up, obviously hoping that Jack has brought him good news. "I found no evidence of the existence of the so-called Trust," chills Jack. "Oh, I find that very hard to believe, Jack," says Sloane. "A man with your contacts?" "I've done everything I can," says Jack. "I'm afraid the secrets you keep…are hard to uncover." Oooh. Burrrrn. "Some of them, you'll have to take to your grave." "If I die," says Sloane, "I won't be able to help you find The Passenger before The Covenant does, Jack." Jack just stares at him. "You have no idea how that will affect you," says Sloane. "You. And Sydney."
Speaking of Sydney, she's walking up to Jack, who's now sitting at his desk. He tells her that he heard about the doctor in Milan. "We were wrong about The Passenger," she says. "It's not a weapon, it's a person. The doctor sacrificed his life trying to protect her. When he saw me, it was almost like he recognized me. Like I was his worst fear, come to life." She leans forward. "Dad, when he tried to kill me, he was trying to protect The Passenger from me." "Sloane told me that after il Dire said 'peace,' he searched for every possible meaning in that message. He traced the etymology of the word to its Greek form, 'Eirene,' also the derivation of the name, Irina. Sydney, I think The Passenger may be your mother." Syd just looks off, freaked out by the idea that Lena Olin may be returning! Please? Please! PLEASE!
Elephant Manor. We're in the bedroom as Moronen's taking off her earrings. Vaughn enters. She says that she's looking forward to a nice weekend alone. So is he. Oh, wait. Did she mean "alone with her"? Because that's different. No, then. He's not looking forward to a nice weekend alone. Not if she's involved. Moronen moves off to the cabinet where she obviously stores her clothes and starts undressing. "So, what did you do while I was gone?" asks Vaughn. Moronen turns and walks toward Vaughn in slo-mo. She moves over to him and plants a kiss on his lips. "I missed you," she says. "I'm going to run a bath." Ow. What was that? Ow! OW! Jesus! What am I, Omarosa? What's the -- oh. Anvils. Anvils are falling from my ceiling. Man. I knew that this show was just chock-full of anvils, but they've never actuall-- OW! Goddammit! I get it, okay?! I GET IT. Don't hurt me anymore. I have a hot Scotsman coming over! I don't need any lumps on my head. Or body! OW! LAUREN IS IRINA! WE GET IT! God.
Moronen moves off to the bathroom as Vaughn looks after her with a ring of suspicion curling around his head. Duh, dude. She's evil. LOOK INTO IT. Or I'll throw an anvil at your head. Vaughn finally wakes up and starts going through Moronen's stuff. He starts with her purse, I believe. And finds nothing. Then he moves to her clothing cabinet. He digs through drawers. Nothing. Then he moves to the closet. He spies her suitcase. He pulls it down and puts it on the floor. He opens it. It's empty. He feels along the sides and removes a false piece. Beneath it? The red and black wig from the Berlin cyber goth bar. And beneath that? A gun. And some passports. Okay. Well, I think we have it confirmed now. Syd is no longer the Worst. Spy. Ever. Moronen is. Because, dudes? That wig should have been dumped in a Berlin dumpster. And the gun? Should have been placed in a weak floorboard. And the passports? Hello? Shredder. Like, what? Am I dealing with amateurs here?
Also? They could have just put a big ol' kohl eyeliner in there, worn down to the nub, and a mushy stick of red lipstick, and the reveal would've been about the same. We get it. Lauren's eeeevil. Now, let's hope that Vaughn gets it and GETS ON WITH IT. Because I don't know how much more of this I can take.
on Alias: Vaughn gets payback. And David Carradine returns. Hoo-ha!