Previously on Hey, Can I Park My Ford F-150 In Your Cleavage: Dr. Nancy tried to squeeze Uncle Arvin for info. Uncle Arvin just wanted to squeeze her back. And in the way that makes your stomach flip over and your eyes bleed out. Sark and Evilauren did some damage to a hotel room bed, but left Evilauren's wig remarkably intact. Griffin Dunne pondered his career choices and decided that he could do with a little Sunday night exposure. Vaughn diffused a six-inch plasma charge with only seconds to spare. Syd and Jack shared another meal together, even though they acted like it was their first. Sloane cryptically announced that he might or might not be Syd's real father. And I gave the recaplet an A. And then I spent three hours watching it. And watching it again. And then I gave it a C. And someone I know called me on that. And then they called me a puss. And then I told them to bite me. And yes, I should probably drink more before, during and after both the recaplet and the recap, because that's really the only way to give this show consistent grades that don't suck.
Speaking of drinking, Julio! More wine! Regina can't fly without wings!
Belfast. Home of my ancestors. Oh, okay, so my ancestors are from Cork and Clare and never ventured further north than Galway. SO WHAT. When we join the show currently in progress, we're in some sort of building that looks like it might be a bank. People are scrambling around in slow-mo, guards are directing them out of the building, and The Strings of Impending Death and Destruction are heading into overtime. We get a glimpse of the Irish version of a SWAT team running against the flow on some back stairs. It should be noted that if this isn't the same damn stairwell we've seen in at least two episodes this season, then it sure as hell LOOKS like it's the same damn stairwell. Mexico and this stairwell seem to be vying for position as Most Overused Location This Season.
Panic. People. Running. The film speeds back up as the Irish SWAT guys run past a man dressed in bomb protection gear and his SWAT buddy. Bomb Guy is dealing with what looks like an exact duplicate of the six-inch plasma device from the last episode. He removes the cover, and the interior is full of bath balls. You know, those little plastic things that you toss into the tub when you want it to smell fruity so that you can bathe in the scents of the tropics? Well, that's what they LOOK like. I'm guessing that's not what they are, however. SWAT Buddy says, "This is way outta my league." He has a decent Irish accent, actually. Bomb Guy attaches something to the bomb and says something about there being a motion sensor and a dedicated board running tons of programs and there's no way he can shut it down in time. He seems to have a Scottish accent, which, if that was intended, is also pretty decent. And this from a girl who, after a couple pints of Guinness, sounds like she's been hit on the head with a shillelagh.
Bomb Guy says that the best bet is to shut off the motion sensor, get the bomb into a containment vessel, and get it offsite before it blows the place to smithereens. He cuts the wire that should disable the motion sensor, and…nothing happens. SWAT Buddy's all, oh, great! What the hell do we do now? Bomb Guy's all, got any ideas? SWAT Buddy just grits his teeth and goes, "My kid's favorite color is red." Aw. Brave li'l SWAT Buddy. Bomb Guy understands him, and reaches to cut the red wire. He closes the cutters on it, and there's this really nice sharp cut where we just get a shot of the aftermath of the bomb that obviously went off the split second Bomb Guy cut the red wire. Silence, save for a phone ringing in the background, as we page through some photos of the damage. Not pretty.
Dix is treating the kids to a little Untimely Demise slideshow. He informs them that the building that blew up was the Wicklow National Bank. Apparently, a man named Daniel Ryan is claiming responsibility for the bombing. According to Jack, Danny's former Royal Navy gone wrong. He used to be in charge of explosive ordinance disposal. After he was dishonorably discharged, he went from disposing of bombs to designing them. We get a close-up of Danny, and yes, it's none other than my future husband, Ricky Gervais. Call me, Ricky. Seriously. Jack finishes up that Danny Boy has worked with the Covenant in the past and is currently interested in selling them his latest product.
Syd's all, so what? Was the Wicklow bombing supposed to be some sort of advertisement as to the effectiveness of his product? Jack's all, uh, actually, Danny Boy alerted the authorities and gave them time to evacuate the building. "So he's an humanitarian bomber," snarks Weiss. Heh. Hi, Weiss! I love you too! If Ricky won't have me, you are SO in line. Jack's all, uh, no, actually. He's not an humanitarian bomber. "His goal was to provide a state-of-the-art bomb squad ample opportunity to deactivate his creation," says Jack. This confuses Vaughn. He's all, wait…he wanted the bomb squad called in? I just…huh? Shhh. You just sit there looking pretty, Vaughn. Not so much with the talking. If you're really good, someone will bring you a cookie!
Marshall's all, hey, I know! Maybe he wanted the squad called in because he knew there was nothing they could do. See, Marshall's got that bomb from last week in his office, and according to Bomb Guy's voice recording, Danny Boy made one significant upgrade. The kind that makes things go BOOM. "Anyone here ever hear of 'quantum entanglement'?" asks Marshall. No one has. And this includes everyone else on the planet except for one of the posters who was kind enough to explain it, in rough detail, on the boards. Oh, and the poster was also kind enough to explain that it has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with the bomb or whatever the hell else Marshall's blabbing about, so maybe we can just skip this part. The point? The bomb can't be defused.
Dix pipes up that Danny Boy's Covenant negotiations are only exclusive for the 48 hours. If an agreement isn't reached, he'll just go and blow up another bomb, targeted against America, in order to get some terrorist groups who hate the U.S. interested in his merchandise. However, if the Covenant's interested, Danny Boy instructed them to meet him at the Black Stag pub in Belfast. Jack's all, we have two choices here: 1) just grab the dude and force him to cooperate or 2) get his cooperation willingly by pretending to be the Covenant. This also confuses Vaughn. He's all, wait -- isn't that risky? Especially when we don't know what the relationship is between Danny Boy and the Covenant? I think my head hurts. Or maybe it's just all the wrinkles. I think I have a potato chip lodged in there from lunch. Oh, Vaughn. You poor thing. Here's a pillow. Now go to sleep. Pay no attention to your pants being removed from your body…
Jack's leaning toward Plan B as the best way to get the second bomb diffused and learn who Danny Boy's partners are. Syd pipes up that Griffin Dunne might be able to help. Also? He could use the cash. Those SAG dues are a bitch. Dix orders that they spec out both Plan A and Plan B. He tells Syd to question Griffin, and Weiss and Vaughn to detail the mission if they go in as CIA. They'll meet back in The Conference Room of Endless Expositions in two hours. Aaaand…BREAK!
No, not the commercial kind of break. This isn't Kingdom Hospital, after all. We head on over to Griffin's place, where he's lighting a cigarette without benefit of a Bic. As he sucks on his cigarette, he waxes patriotic about how he loves America now. Syd shows him a picture of Danny Boy, and Griffin immediately tells her that Danny was critical to the IRA when they were in the bombing gig. Since Sinn Fein is no longer in the Let's Blow Up Innocent Women And Children business, Danny Boy had to become an independent contractor. "Your cigarettes are for shit," he grunts, getting up from his chair. Oh, fine. He doesn't say "shit," he says "crap," but he really means "shit," because that's the proper phrase, but this is network and you can't say shit like "shit" like ever.
He hates the smokes (which doesn't keep him from smoking them, much to Syd's irritation), but he loves the cable TV; particularly this little show, how you say, Miami Vice. Jesus. What channel nowadays shows Miami Vice? What cable company does he have, Comcrap? LessThanPrime? OFWR (Only For Weird Russians)? Syd's all, yeah, yeah, yeah. Enough with the chimney act, Russkie. We want to acquire Danny Boy's latest weapon and we want to pose as the Covenant. Got any pointers? Everything you know about Danny Boy's contacts, protocols, interactions, et cetera -- all of that would be greaaaat, thanks. Griffin only did two deals with Danny Boy, however, so all he can really tell her is how Danny Boy's used to dealing with the Covenant, what he'll be expecting treatment-wise, and that his contact is Vladimir Androjnev.
"How is Agent Vaughn?" Griffin asks suddenly. Syd looks up all, the whuh? In the whuh whuh? "When you took me from North Korea," he says, kind of slimily, "I saw a strong connection, yes?" Syd just shoots him a look that says, "If I didn't need to pump you for info right now, you'd be wearing your testicles as earrings, dude." She just gets back to business and asks what happens after they make first contact with Danny Boy in Belfast. We don't get an answer to this. Instead, we switch quickly to Weiss, sitting at his computer and saying, "Hey, where's Lauren? I haven't seen her all day." Thousands of Alias posters take this as a sign from their own personal saviors that the Evilauren has been removed from the show, and they flee the room in search of candles, incense, religious figurines, and their holy tome of choice, while at the same time moaning internally that now they have to give up chocolate and swearing, just like they promised.
Vaughn just tells Weiss that Lauren's in D.C. at a debrief. Plus, she's spending time with her family. Oh, Vaughn. Don't be silly. Evil Bitches don't have families! They spring fully formed from the brow of Satan! And they're schooled at the M.A.C. Counter of Malicious Make-Upping! Weiss is all, how's the Senator, then? Only he says it in a snarky tone. Vaughn's all, hey! I like the Senator! "And how's your marriage doing?" quips Weiss, just as Syd inopportunely walks up. Oops. Syd kind of does this "Oh! I shouldn't have…um…I'm just gonna turn around, but I can't really because you already know I'm here, so…uh…yeah…whassup, fellas?!" dance that is bloody hilarious. Weiss and Vaughn just look up, and the "D'oh!" is immediately readable on both their faces. Heh. Vaughn's all, how was Griffin (sorry you heard that, did you hear that, oh, shit, you totally heard that)? Syd's all, helpful (I totally heard it and now I wish I didn't because I kind of want to ask you that myself and then totally make out with you) and we should go tell Dixon (and maybe if we move fast enough, the "how's your marriage" question will just evaporate into the air like a sneeze…) right this very second. She walks off, and Vaughn shoots Weiss a look. "What, I can't ask my buddy if --" "My marriage is fantastic," snaps Vaughn, getting up to follow Syd. "Yeah, I can tell," snits Weiss, looking at his monitor. Heh. Weiss is my own inner monologue.
Belfast. Again. Some more. We can tell we're in Belfast, not only because of the placard, but also because of the Irish music playing in the background. Because, and I don't know if you were aware of this, Irish music is all that plays in every pub, in every town, everywhere in Ireland. Oh, except for when they're playing Cher. And Charlie Parker. And Chet Atkins. And Chumbuwumba. And Coldplay. And every other kind of fucking music on the planet. All I'm saying is, I've been to Ireland several times, and finding a pub with traditional Irish music going 24/7 is much harder than you'd think. So, anyway, we're in a crowded pub where people are drinking (mmmm…Guinness) and smoking (mmmm…Guinness) and generally enjoying themselves (mmmm…Guinness). Danny Boy's sitting at a table by himself, drinking a pint. Mmmm…Guinness and Ricky Gervais? My night is complete. He looks around warily.
Just then, Weiss walks up with a pint of his own and sits across from Danny Boy. (By the way, it's totally a credit to Ricky Gervais that I keep referring to him as his character and not as "Ricky" -- if you go back and read the rest of the recaps, you'll see what I mean. He's very good, people. Very good.) Weiss is all, how ya doin'? Danny Boy's all, uh, and you are? Weiss pulls out his badge and informs Danny Boy that he's under arrest for transporting illegal explosives with intent to kill. Danny Boy glances at Weiss's photo. "You've put on weight." "Heh heh," snits Weiss. "So have you." Danny just kind of looks around, and Weiss tells him that his friends from the Covenant aren't here yet. An armed Garda approaches and accompanies Danny Boy and Weiss out the back door.
Once outside, Danny Boy starts protesting that he's done nothing wrong. Weiss is all, oh, tell it to the families of your victims, you pisher. Before they can load Danny into the van, however, a car arrives, and a bunch of people in black masks start shooting the shit outta Weiss and the Garda. Weiss pulls Danny out of the way. More shooting, from above and behind and, well, all over. Weiss gets on the horn and calls that he has officers down and they need help. Then he goes to take a shot at one of the roof shooters and BAM! he gets shot in the neck and goes down. Danny just watches him in horror. He looks absolutely terrified. What I love about Ricky Gervais in this scene is that he looks utterly pathetic. And Gervais totally has the ability to do that and still make you feel compassionate toward him. You know, even though his character is a murdering bastard.
Right, so, enough of the Ricky Gervais fan club. He's staring at Weiss, totally shocked. Weiss is groaning and writhing. One of the black masks runs over, points a gun, and shoots Weiss in the chest. He dies instantly. Oh, except for that he totally doesn't. CALM DOWN. Danny Boy looks up, and Black Mask removes the mask, revealing Syd in…what appears to be Evilauren's wig from last week. Huh. That's just…is that significant? Even though they're working on opposite sides, are they using the same covert ops costuming department? Oh, whatever. It's Syd under the mask, and she breathlessly tells Danny Boy that they need to hurry and that Androjnev sent her. She grabs Danny Boy and starts to move him off.
Danny's all, hey, now, this is not what we agreed! Syd's all, uh, yeah, but that was before your stupidity led the CIA to this meeting. Danny's still not buying it. Syd tries to convince him by saying that every cop in the city's going to be on them in five minutes. "You may not know me," she says, working the nose ring, "but I did you a favor." Just then, Danny's hit in the neck with a dart. He goes down. Syd checks his pulse. "We're good!" she shouts. The person who shot Danny in the neck pulls off his mask, and it's Vaughn. Nice shootin', Tex! "Boy Scout to Base Camp," he says into his com, "we've got the package!" Heh. I could say something naughty here, but I won't. As Vaughn walks off, the Garda all start getting up, as does Weiss, who was just pretendin' an' shit. "That was good, right?" he asks Syd as he walks past her. "That's called method acting. I was shot in the neck once, I can do it again." "We gotta move," says Syd, as the men load Danny onto the van.
And dance, everybody! Dance!
After the break, we catch up with Syd and Vaughn as they're exiting an elevator. Syd says something about how Griffin told the CIA that Danny Boy always does business with the Covenant at the Commodore Hotel in Moscow. "I still think it would be easier just to sic your father on him," quips Vaughn. Heh. Yes, Vaughn. Yes, it would. But then the rest of this episode wouldn't even happen, and we can't have that, now can we? Syd explains that they have a better chance of getting results from Danny Boy if they pretend that his display in Belfast convinced the Covenant to buy every weapon he can produce. Vaughn's all, yeah, but we're posing as the Covenant, and we're going on info from a guy who's, let's face it, hardly trustworthy. Syd's all, yeah, yeah, yeah. The guy defected, okay? That's good enough for me. Plus, if we don't trust him and we don't go through with this, then we'd be building this fake Commodore hotel room for nothing and the writers wouldn't get a chance to play another round of Let's See How Many Times We Can Stick In References To Mission: Impossible Before Tom Cruise and Brian DePalma Sue Us.
Syd and Vaughn enter the fake hotel room; Weiss is inside, directing the traffic. Syd asks him how it's going, and he grabs an apple from a guy with a fruit basket and quips that Griffin Dunne rejected the fruit basket because it would have cost a fortune. "Oh, and we need a ceiling," he says, looking up. The camera pulls up and back, and we see that the entire hotel room and hallway and even elevator are just an elaborate CIA-constructed set. Griffin's hanging out in the room as well, and he grabs the TV remote and checks the stations. Marshall informs him that he hacked into the Russian satellite feed, so the channels are all Russkie, all the time. Syd walks over and tells Griffin that everything is to spec, including the 700-thread-count sheets and Bikul-stocked mini bar. So, it's all kosher, unless of course Danny Boy wants to go for a walk, in which case, he can only go as far as the elevator. "Once he presses 'lobby,'" says Weiss, "we're made."
One of the walls slides up, and some CIA med techs roll Danny Boy in on a gurney. Syd tells the techs that they can start to wean him off the methohexital now. It's a quick-acting barbiturate, that methohexital. Google says so. Danny Boy's put on the bed, and Syd and the rest of the troops leave. A short while later, they're at Oops Center, watching Danny Boy on some monitors as he slowly starts to wake up. He sits up and looks around, confused. He rings the front desk and Jack answers in a truly hideous Russian accent. Danny Boy wants to know how he got to the hotel in the first place. Jack just tells him that he has a message from his attorney. Danny goes, "My attorney?" in a tone that suggests he's never had an attorney in his life. Vaughn shoots Griffin a look, and Griffin just responds that Danny refers to Androjnev as his "attorney," so stop looking at him like that because everything's chill, dude.
Jack goes on to tell Danny that his attorney apologizes for not being able to meet with him, but the colleague he's sending in his place is authorized to deal. Danny just looks around the room, totally confused, and not a little bit panicked. Man, Ricky Gervais plays panicky weasel really, really well. He paces and wanders and checks things out in the room and generally just mildly freaks out. Dix tells Syd she's up, and Syd and her two-toned red and black wig enter the "elevator." The doors slide open, and Syd adjusts her wig and her nose ring. It's a nice little moment that we don't often see on this show -- someone adjusting to her disguise. Kind of makes it a little more real and a little less perfect, which I sort of dug.
In the room, Danny Boy switches on the TV and clicks through the channels, finding only boring Russian programs about snow in St. Mark's Square and angry Russian volleyball coaches. Syd just busts in, hands Danny Boy a manila envelope, and says that they can do business now. Syd sits down. "I do business with Androjnev," Danny Boy snits, tossing the envelope aside. Syd just tells him that the Covenant wants to purchase his latest weapon. "While I appreciate your hairstyle," Danny quips, waving his hand in the air, "as I said, I do business with Androjnev." Syd plays the "if I hadn't saved your ass from the CIA, you'd be heading for execution right about now" card. Danny doesn't seem to be buying it. Syd spins the story that three people, including a CIA agent, were killed trying to arrest him, so he's getting quite a bit of news coverage at the moment. Just to back up her story, a fake newscast has been set up so that, when Danny Boy grabs the remote, he's hit with a BBC World News report about the shootings. Which is…well, kind of stupid, considering that it's mighty convenient that he'd turn the TV on and right at that moment he gets the report. Like, maybe a couple of other stories first would have been a little more realistic -- wait. What'd I just say? "A little more realistic"? Oh, that's not…that's just not right. I think I should drink more. Immediately.
The news report has the intended effect upon Danny, and he starts to quietly panic. Again, Ricky Gervais is rocking my world in this scene. He's conveying "oh, shit" with only his eyes, his throat, and his left hand. Love him. Syd states that Danny Boy will agree to whatever terms the Covenant come up with, and he'll also call off the second demonstration of his bomb, since it's unnecessary and will only draw unwanted attention. Danny considers this and then says that before Androjnev, his contact was some guy named Panach, and in lieu of Androjnev, he'll deal with this other guy. In the monitor room, Griffin snaps to attention, telling Jack that "Panach" isn't a man, it's a woman, so Danny Boy's trying to set a trap. Griffin gets on the horn to Syd and tells her this, and that Panach died last year. Syd smoothly informs Danny that Ivana Panach was killed in Slovenia last year, and you know this because that's why your handlers were switched, so HA! So much for your trap! Any other tests, big boy? Danny's all, yeah, I got a test for you -- I don't feel safe here and I wanna get out. How's that for a test? Syd's all, you leave this hotel and you're a dead man. Danny's all, yeah, I'll take my chances on that, thanks. Syd tries to keep him in the room by saying that he's a security risk for the Covenant, so if he leaves the room, she'll kill him herself. Danny basically calls her bluff, saying that she won't kill him because he has something she wants. Jack orders Griffin to take off his headset. Danny leaves the room. Syd walks out after him and draws her gun. Danny just turns and calmly informs her that she's played her hand. Game over. He goes to the elevator and it opens up to reveal…Griffin? I realize Jack was panicking, but…Griffin showing up just makes no sense whatsoever. Shit. I'm doing it again. Drink more. Think less. Will I never learn?
Griffin pretends that Androjnev told him Danny was in town, so he thought he'd drop by. For whatever reason, Griffin's appearance puts Danny at ease, and they head back to the hotel room. Syd just glares at Griffin. Once inside, Griffin goes to work trying to convince Danny that everything's jakey. The details of the scene aren't really that important. All that matters is that Danny takes a look at the contents of the manila envelope that he'd previously tossed aside and declares the terms of the deal acceptable. With one condition: The transfer of all the materials, blueprints and documentation has to be handled by Sark and only Sark. No one else. Syd's all, screw you, dude. You're in no position to make such a demand. Danny's all, hey, do YOU have the bomb I designed? Huh? Do you? Yeah. Didn't think so. I can demand whatever I want, sister. I got da bomb.
Griffin pipes up that Sark's in town on business and that he'd be happy to oblige Danny's request. We cut to Dix going, "'HAPPY TO OBLIGE'?!" Heh. Not too happy about Griffin's over-promising there, are ya, Dix? Griffin's all, everything's cool, people! Sark and Ryan have never met! Jack's all, you sure on this? Griffin's all, yyyyyeeees. Yes. Syd takes one look at him and says, "That wasn't a yes, that was a no." Heh. It totally was, too. Griffin's backpedals that their only chance to get what they want is to send someone into Danny's room, posing as Sark. Vaughn kind of looks over at Jack and, well, you know what's coming . There's a knock at Danny's door. He opens it, and outside is Vaughn, posing as Sark. "Mr. Ryan," he says in British accent that rivals Jack's Russian for Worst Accent Ever, "I am Julian Sark."
I suppose I can live with the bad accent, as long as Vaughn keeps wearing tight black t-shirts and black leather jackets. Rowr. Danny agrees with me, because he takes one look at Vaughn and goes, "They said you was a pretty boy." Yes, yes he is, Danny. As the team watches on the monitors, Vaughn asks when and where he can acquire Danny's product. Danny tells him that the info he needs is on a disk that his associate will carry on board a flight from Rome to Paris tomorrow night. Vaughn's supposed to purchase two adjacent seats; twenty minutes outside of Rome, Danny's associate will sit down to him and the transfer will be made. "It's elaborate," Danny says begrudgingly. "But, at 35,000 feet, there's no chance of surveillance." Vaughn wants to know how he'll know who the associate is. Danny just says that he'll know him because they've worked together before.
Dix bitches that this means that they'll have to have the real Sark on the plane in order for this to work because, you know, Vaughn isn't the real Sark so he won't know who the associate is. Or something. Drink. More. Think. Less. Vaughn's hideous accent wants to make sure that the second demonstration of the bomb is called off. Danny cryptically says that when his associate sees Vaughn, the second demonstration issue will come to a close. "We're agreed then?" Vaughn's embarrassingly bad accent asks. "We are indeed, Mr. Sark," says Danny Boy, an odd twist to his lips. Back in Oops Center, the team rigs up a plan to get Sark on the plane. I've now watched this section four times and I still can't figure out what they're going to do. I think it involves a communiqué and intercepting and duping Sark and -- oh, whatever. They're getting Sark on the plane, and that's really all we need to know. The team gets to work, and Vaughn gets to Rome to catch a plane.
Rome. Or, more specifically, Rome International Airport. Or, even more specifically, Aeroporti di Roma. Vaughn's on the plane, and he's sporting a pair of glasses that make me want to do really naughty things to him in the stacks at the local library. Mmmm…brainy-looking men. Mmmm. Vaughn's listening to Syd tell him that all the passengers but two have boarded the plane. That's when we see the two unfortunate passengers lying dead on the floor somewhere. A hand reaches out and pulls a ticket from a pocket. The hand belongs to Sark, of course, and he makes it onto the plane without having his ID or passport checked or the absence of his wife really questioned. Did I mention the drinking more and thinking less? Because that's gonna be a necessity here.
A stewardess gives Sark a glass of wine and accepts his flimsy excuse that his wife was too sick to fly. Yeah. Because that happens. And planes take off anyway. The "not" is implied. And so is the sarcastic tone. Vaughn spots Sark and reports that he has him in his sights. "Maybe this will work out after all," says Vaughn into the cell phone that he probably shouldn't be using at the moment, since most real stewardesses would have come up by now and literally wrenched the damn thing from his hand and not given it back until they landed in Paris. Drink. Drink. Some time passes, and Sark enjoys another glass of wine while Vaughn starts getting annoyed. He makes a call to Syd and tells her that it's been almost an hour and still no sign of Danny's associate. Syd runs off to chastise Danny. He just tells her to tell Vaughn/Sark to be patient. Syd holds out her cell phone and demands that Danny call his guy and call off the meeting. Danny just looks at her and goes, "I'm afraid that won't be possible." Suddenly, Syd realizes that something has gone horribly wrong.
"There isn't a meeting," she tells Vaughn, seconds later. "Ryan made us?" he asks. "I don't think so," she says. "I don't think there ever was a meeting." Basically, Syd thinks that Danny set the whole thing up to get Sark on the plane. Unfortunately, he thinks Vaughn is Sark, so whatever he intended to befall the real Sark is going to happen to Vaughn instead. Of course, the CIA sent out that communiqué or whatever, so the real Sark is now on the plane also. I just…I'm confused. Well, actually, not confused so much as, um, kind of bored. Jack orders Vaughn to take Sark into custody.
Oops Center. Syd and her miniskirt slam into a room, and someone's holding out a phone to her. She grabs it and demands that someone on the other end tell her about Daniel Ryan. It's Sloane on the other end, and he's in bed (ew!) and wearing a robe (EW!) and we can see his naked, hairy chest (EEWWWWW!). All Sloane can offer by way of intel is that Danny's brother Christopher used to be some big political guy, but last year he disappeared. That's when the camera slips over and we see the half-naked back of a blonde woman lying to Sloane in the bed. Oh, that is just not good. Sloane tells Syd that the rumor going around is that the Covenant had Danny's brother killed. Syd's not buying it. She lets Sloane get back to his bimbo and hangs up. The blonde woman turns over, and yes, it's Dr. Nancy. She nuzzles Sloane's shirt of hair (tm wintersa), and if their unholy union doesn't turn out to be a manipulation on one or both their parts, I am sending a pack of rabid wolves to the writers' room and watching the carnage on closed circuit television because Sloane and Dr. Nancy? REALLY GROSS.
Weiss fills Syd and Jack in on Christopher Ryan. Turns out he was a really bad dude who was responsible for a bunch of different bombings. Weiss brings up a picture of the guy, and Syd visibly reacts. "Sloane was telling the truth," she says. "The Covenant did have this man killed." She turns to her father. "Dad, they had me kill him." Jack's all, what? The huh? Syd reminds her father of her Lost Years and how the Covenant tried to break her until, finally, she bluffed them into thinking that she'd become Julia Thorne. In order to prove herself, she killed a man in cold blood, just because she was ordered to. That man? Was Christopher Ryan. Jack surmises that if Sark has actually become the head of the North American cell of the Covenant, then killing him on a plane carrying 200 innocent people would be a very public act of revenge. "Oh my god," says Syd. "Vaughn."
Vaughn can't hear her at the moment. He's too busy casually strolling up to Sark and sitting down to him. "Cheers," he says. Sark just looks at him without an iota of surprise. "Mr. Vaughn," he says. "Tell me, you wouldn't happen to know an eight-letter word for 'arrogant,' would you?" Heh. How do I love thee, Sark? Let me count the ways. One, two, three, four… "Do exactly as I tell you," rasps Vaughn, "or I'll kill you." Sark just sneers at him. Seconds later, Vaughn orders Sark to step into the bathroom. Heh. Mile High Club, anyone? Vaughn handcuffs Sark to the sink, and thousands of slash fanfic writers run screaming for their computers.
Sark's all, doesn't it bother you that a bomb-maker arranges a meeting on a plane and then doesn't show up? "I don't know about you," he sniffs, "but that concerns me." Just then, Vaughn's cell phone rings and he exits the bathroom, telling a passing steward, "Lock this up." The steward's all, uh, lock it up yourself, dude. Just slide the thingy over to occupado. What, are your fingers broken? God, I hate this job. Why didn't I become a pharmacist like my father wanted me to? Noooo. I wanted to travel. And now I'm a fucking waitress in the sky. What, you want more peanuts? You've already had three packs and you don't get any more, okay? Hell, you already take up two seats as it is. Here's a tip: CARROTS. I have GOT to get outta here…
Vaughn picks up the call, and it's Syd. "Vaughn, we may have a problem," she says. thing we know, we're in the cockpit and the captain's all, an explosive device? On MY plane? Oh, that's just rich. Why didn't I become a taxidermist like my father wanted me to? God, I hate this job. Except for the blowjobs after the dinner service. Those are great. Vaughn just tells the pilot that he's not sure if the bomb is actually on the plane, but he should get ready to land immediately, just to be on the safe side. Syd tells him to look for something roughly the size of a CD, and that it could be anywhere. Syd does some research and discovers that some work was done in the cargo hold two days ago. Sure enough, the bomb's right where Vaughn finds it in the electrical current bypass. He tells Syd to get Marshall on the phone, pronto.
Oops Center. The team bickers amongst themselves about whether or not Danny Boy's a lying bastard. Jack declares that they have to tell Danny the truth about who they are and take him into their confidence immediately. After Dix tells them all that landing space has been cleared in Marseilles, Syd pipes up that she thinks Danny Boy would have planned for an emergency landing, and that getting rid of the bomb won't be so easy. Jack thinks that if they tell Danny Boy that Sark's in custody and will be prosecuted, maybe he'll tell them how to deactivate the bomb. Yeah, because Sark moldering away on Death Row for the ten years or so is SO much more satisfying then blowing his ass to bits in the middle of the sky.
Dix thinks Jack's plan is a good one, and orders everyone to get their asses in gear. Weiss steps up and says that four French fighter planes have been scrambled and are on their way to just observe the plane for its emergency landing. No shooting allowed. Meanwhile, Vaughn's on the phone with Marshall, trying to figure out the bomb. Vaughn discovers some odd little thermometer thingy on the bomb, and Marshall asks if the liquid is rising. When Vaughn confirms that it is, indeed, rising, Marshall spits out that it's not a thermometer, it's a barometric sensor, and the bomb is triggered by altitude. "If the plane keeps descending, it'll detonate," says Marshall. Yeah, I liked this plot the first time I saw it when it was used in Speed. And that one had Keanu Reeves and his body chiseled from honeyed granite in it. Maybe if Vaughn could just take off his shirt, this ridiculous and derivative plot would be easier to swallow. Could we get on that, please?
Vaughn runs to tell the pilot not to land. The pilot quickly reacts and pulls the plane up, saying that they only have enough fuel to stay airborne for two hours. Back at the Non-Commodore hotel, Syd enters the room as herself and gives Danny her real name. "So…today you're CIA?" he snarks. Heh. Syd fills him in on the CIA con and then the hotel room wall slides up and disappears. Danny gets up and looks around. "So this isn't Moscow?" he asks with a tinge of panic in his voice. Syd's all, nope. Hell-Lay. And we know about your plan to avenge the Covenant-ordered death of your brother, too. Danny kind of turns around, wondering what to do. "How ya doin'?" comes Weiss's voice from off-screen. Danny looks up, and Weiss and Griffin are walking toward him. Griffin tells him that he defected months ago, and that Danny should trust the CIA because they're "good people." Danny's dubious. He tells Syd they've got to do better than a warehouse somewhere to prove that they're CIA. So, they bring him into Oops Center proper. "Right," he says. "Much more convincing." Love. Love Ricky Gervais. Dix tells Danny that if he defuses the bomb and turns over all blueprints and materials, the U.S. government won't file charges against him. "If you really are CIA," says Danny, "then the person I met with wasn't Julian Sark." Syd's all, good call, Danny Boy. You win a $5 Starbucks Gift Card! Danny's quickly wises up to the fact that the real Sark is also on the plane. Dix is all, our deal expires in ten seconds, dude. If you don't take it, you'll be tried as an enemy of the state and executed. Danny just sits down and goes, "ZZZZZZZZ!" as if he's being electrocuted. Heh. Smartass.
"You cannot let those innocent people die," says Syd. "My brother was innocent," he responds. Yeah. Except for all those bombings he staged with bombs that you built. Real innocent there, dude. But Syd doesn't say anything at all because she's the one who killed his brother so, you know, the fact that he put thousands of innocent people into graves is secondary to Syd's murder-as-survival thing. Back on the plane, Vaughn's still trying to figure out the bomb. Oh, please. It's not gonna blow up. Putting the main characters into death-defying situations is only exciting if you think they're really going to, you know, DIE, and since we know they're NOT, these extended "Will they die or won't they?" scenes are just tedious and tremendously boring. What happens to the bomb? IT DOESN'T GO OFF. Can I go to bed now?
Whatever. Marshall figures out that they can fool the barometric sensor into thinking it's still at a high altitude by encasing it in an airtight container. Or something. I don't know. All Vaughn has to do is deactivate the motion sensor and drop the bomb into this airtight container or whatever. Unfortunately, deactivating the motion sensor is exactly what the Belfast guys were doing right before the bomb went and blowed them up. Marshall tells Vaughn to cut the red wire, and Vaughn goes to do it. "Nonono! Waitwaitwait!" Marshall shouts, right before Vaughn cuts the wire. "I hate it when you do that!" Vaughn shouts back. Hee. Marshall blabbles something about false leads and cutting the right one and Vaughn doesn't understand, so that logically leads him to take Sark out of the bathroom and bring him into the cargo hold so he can go to work on the bomb himself, which is…what? How is that even sensible? I…just…MORE WINE!
Oops Center. Danny Boy's being held in one of the conference rooms. Syd walks in and pours him a glass of water. She sets it in front of him, and Danny just hilariously rips his hands up to show her that he's kind of attached to the arms of his chair just now. Heh. Syd feeds him the water. Syd's all, yeah, I know, you're angry. And with good reason. "The Covenant took your brother's life." "'Took his life,'" Danny sneers. "What an interesting choice of words. I mean, personally, I'd have gone for something a little bit more colorful like, um, 'murdered.' Or even -- that's not strong enough. 'Slaughtered'? Yeah, what about 'slaughtered'? Try that." Oh, now he's just being dramatic. The guy killed thousands of people. I'd say he deserved at least a LITTLE pain for his sins.
Whatever. We've just arrived at the part of the show where Syd illustrates that she is, as always, the Worst. Spy. Ever. She tells Danny her Lost Years sob story in order to gain his sympathy, and she doesn't leave out a single detail. Including the part where the Covenant tried to make her believe she was "Julia Thorne." The second the name slips out of her mouth, a crease appears between Danny's brows, and his eyes kind of slide over to look at Syd without letting her see that he's looking. It's a wicked moment that I missed the first time I watched this. Have I mentioned the Ricky love? Syd totally doesn't clue in to the fact that she just outed herself as the brother's killer, and she goes on to say how much she hates the Covenant and how they took away all the people that she loved and blah blah blah isn't-this-over-yet-cakes? "The man I love…the Covenant didn't murder him," she says. "He's on that plane." She tells Danny that if he disables the bomb, she swears that she won't rest until she makes the Covenant pay for what they did to both her and Danny. He just looks at her like, dude? You are the Worst. Spy. EVER.
Back on the plane, Vaughn's got Sark, and he puts on the headset and starts talking to Marshall about the bomb. Whatever. This is probably the DUMBEST part of the episode, and that's really saying a lot, because this episode was particularly stupid, and the only things really saving it were Ricky Gervais and the part where Spy Daddy goes mental on Danny and the hug at the end. And don't tell me you don't feel the same. BECAUSE IT'S TRUE. Let's get this over with. Sark does whatever it is that only he can do to the bomb, and Vaughn's able to cut the red wire. Sark backs off. Vaughn cuts the wire, and then he and Sark search for something airtight to put the bomb in. Yawn. Sark conveniently finds a fishing tackle kit and finds a knife inside. He hides it away in his jacket. Vaughn successfully locates a Mr. Igloo, which…why is that even in the cargo hold? What, is there a LIVER inside or something? Because I could use a new one. Mine's starting to rival Keith Richards's for Most Alcohol Held In A Single Organ.
Oops Center. The troops scramble as Syd states that Danny needs a phone to call the bomb in order to initiate a deactivation sequence. Dix gives the go-ahead and calls for a secure line. Back on the plane, Vaughn removes the bomb and puts it in the Mr. Igloo. He's starting to tape it up when his phone rings, and Syd tells him to take the bomb back out and look at it after Danny calls it. The red light on the detonator should change color after it's called. After the number's dialed, however, the light doesn't change. Oh, except for the counter panel, which lights up and starts counting down from 5:00. Danny Boy activated the bomb instead of deactivating it. Over in Marshall's Mambo Room of Love, his bomb fires up as well. He jumps up from his chair, trips, falls, gets back up again, and runs off to tell everyone that his bomb is raring to go. Everyone looks at Danny. He just calmly informs them that his former handler told him that the name of the person who murdered his brother was "Julia Thorne." Nice move, Sydney. You goddamn blabbermouth.
Everyone freaks. Except Jack. He tells the two guards who are supposed to transfer Danny to a safe distance from the bomb to go help evacuate the rest of the building. The guards leave, and Danny just blinks up at Jack. "Don't tell me," he snits, "we've come to the point where you're here to coerce me into cooperating." "Not exactly," gruffs Jack. Then he whips over and puts Danny into a chokehold. Heh. Syd sees this on a monitor from Marshall's Mambo Room of Love and heads over to stop her dad from killing the guy. "In seven seconds, you'll begin to see spots," Jack hisses as Danny struggles in vain. "You'll think it's a white light, but I’m here to tell you: the last words I want you to hear EVER are there is no white light. Not for people like you." Ooooh. I do so love it when Spy Daddy goes all bad-ass on people.
With a final crunch, Danny's out for the count. Jack lays him gently on the ground just as Syd walks in all, what in the HELL is going on in here? Jack just tells her to get the defibrillator, which he thoughtfully placed just outside the door. Syd runs and gets it. "He thinks he was prepared to die," says Jack, prepping Danny for heart stim. "Well, we'll see about that." Jack shoots Danny in the heart with something, and Syd shocks him back to life. He gasps, and Jack props him up. "You gives us the code that disarms both bombs, or we do that all. Over. Again. Both bombs!" Danny just nods his head, because having your heart stopped and started once is one time too many. Syd gets on the horn and gives him the code. The bombs stop right at 0:01. "That's impressive," says Sark. Marshall just raises his arms in a victory V. Hee.
With the bomb defused, Vaughn can now get back to the HoYay! Erm, I mean, back to putting Sark into custody. He grabs the cuffs, but before he can slap 'em on, Sark stabs him in the shoulder with the knife he found. There's a minor scuffle, and Vaughn finally drops Sark with a nice roundhouse punch to the face. Back at Oops Center, Dix hangs up the phone and informs Syd and Jack that the French DGSE have Sark in custody. Syd asks if Vaughn's overseeing it, but Dix just tells her that he's not, that he's on a plane, and they should see him soon. Just then, Danny is escorted through the place by guards. He and Jack share a nice long "I am SO gonna kill you the time we meet" stare.
Some time later, Syd walks out to the parking garage as a pretty little ditty from the "Unrequited Love" collection plays over the soundtrack. Syd goes over to her car, but stops before getting in. She puts her hands upon it and slowly breaks down. Just then, a car pulls up. Syd wipes her eyes and turns. It's Vaughn. "Vaughn," she whimpers, starting a new flow of tears. "C'mere," he whispers, walking swiftly to her and pulling her into his arms. Okay, was I right? Best moment of the whole damn show. I think it's even better than the Korea kiss. Because it's just so open and out there and emotional and not even about sex. More hugs! Hugs all around!