Previously on Alias: I wasn't drinking. And then I was. And the show was bad. And then I wanted to kill myself. And then kill J.J. Abrams.
In all seriousness, the only thing worth mentioning in the previouslys is the regurgitation of the scene between Vaughn and Syd where Vaughn shows her his father's watch and mentions how it stopped the day they met. Oh, man. This again? His watch stopped the day he met the love of his life? Please. You know it's bad when they're dragging out footage from Season 2. God. We also get a replay of the Syd/Vaughn kiss from Korea. Which, watching it again, seems to have little to no chemistry in it whatsoever. Like, at one point, she misses his lips entirely and winds up kissing him just below his nose. The hell? What, so Vartan and Garner started dating and now their two characters have all the heat of a Jell-O salad? Whatever.
After the previouslys, we open on a cell phone, buzzing on a table in the dark. The light goes on, and we see that we're in the Elephants' bedroom and it's Lauren's phone that's ringing. Vaughn, for some reason, is just sitting there. Like, he was sitting there, in the dark, doing nothing, and then her phone went off and she turned on the light. Um. That's just creepy. My old roommate and I got into a total giggle fit this one time when we started riffing on the idea of me, just sleeping in my bed, suddenly waking up to him, just standing at the end, naked. I'd be all, dude? What the --? And he'd be all, shhh. Did you pay the phone bill? Or, shhh. Do we have any milk for coffee? Or, shhh. Is it okay if I take out the garbage tomorrow night instead of tomorrow morning? And then he'd just…leave. Heh. We kept concocting these ever more bizarre scenarios until we actually had to separate from each other to stop laughing so hard. It should be noted that we were most definitely very, very high at the time.
My point is, Vaughn sitting in the dark? Weird. Lauren thinks so too, because after she turns off her phone she's all, honey? What're you doing? Vaughn says something about how his father used to hate waiting for appointments. He's fiddling with a watch as he says this. The Strings of Hey, Remember That Dad Watch Scene strike up as Vaughn continues talking about his dad's stringent appointment-keeping habits. Just why is he rambling about all this, you may ask? Well, because he was looking for his house keys and stumbled upon this, his dad's watch. Lauren doesn't really acknowledge the watch, nor its importance to Vaughn, and instead just asks him why he was looking for his house keys. Vaughn kind of looks down at her for a moment, an odd expression skirting around his forehead wrinkles. The wrinkles are emoting something, people; I'm just not sure what. If I had to guess, I'd say that he's surprised his own wife is so out of touch with him and his emotions that she can't even remember the goddamn anniversary of his father's death, nor how goddamn important his Watch Of Eternal Sydney Love has become to him. But that's just me. Vaughn just looks sadly at the watch and says he couldn't sleep, so he was just gonna go for a run. She asks him what time it is, and he just tells her he doesn't know because the watch is broken. AND SO IS HIS HEART. She asks him if he's okay, and he just tells her he's fine. They kiss, and he heads out for his run.
Oops Center. Everyone's hanging out, looking at Marshall's baby pictures. God. Welcome to the Parade of Baby Pictures. I hate this parade. There's no beer, you can't throw streamers, and nobody dyes the river green. Oh, and you have to pretend the babies are cute, even when it's a well-known fact that some babies? Just aren't. "All babies are cute!" you may shriek. But you will be wrong. Some babies should NOT have their pictures taken until they are completely cooked. Some babies just look…raw. Ew.
Anyway, Weiss, Syd, Lauren, and Vaughn are circled around Marshall, crowing over the pics. Marshall mentions that little Mitchell (hee! Marshall and Mitchell!) hasn't quite gotten the hang of the whole "sleeping through the night" thing. Vaughn grabs one of the photos and says, "Looks like he's got my nose." Hee. That's an alarming mental image. That little baby with that rather large Roman nose in the middle of his face? Gah. Marshall goes on crowing about his offspring until Jack passes by and Marshall stops him, handing over a picture. "That's Mitchell," he says. "That's my guy." Jack stops, nearly out of frame, glances at the picture, and goes, "Cute." And the way he says it? Is EXACTLY how I'd say it. As if I'm actually saying, "Huh. Human. Baby. Is that all?" Heh heh heh. Jack is SO my Spy Daddy. Good thing too, because it looks like the "Daughter Bristow" spot may be vacant. What? I'm not spoiling it! Shut up!
Conference Room of Endless Expositions. Snore. Yawn. Whuh? I have to be awake for this? Well, shit. Dix is briefing the troops, but the scene's really boring, so I'll just nutshell it up for you. This is the part where we find out about Operation Shining Sword. Who comes up with the names for these things? What, were Team Running Brook and Cabal Laughing Fool already taken? Operation Shining Sword is apparently a fundamentalist terror network based in the Philippines. They've supposedly been dormant since the Bali bombings of '02 (a real occurrence, if you'll recall), but have dismantled the snooze button and appear to have started doing the terror thing again.
All you really need to know is that an operative of Operation Shining Sword has acquired a plasma charge. And no, I really have no idea what that is, even though I looked it up online. Syd thought plasma charges were only theoretical. Nope. Turns out, the operative is shipping the plasma charge to one of the European cells of Shining Sword. Hope they're using FedEx. Marshall steps up and shows some schematics of the thing, stating that the bomb itself is only six inches in diameter. I guess that's…impressive? Fear-inducing? Somewhat important? I have no idea. Marshall says it's small, but mighty, and he shows some pictures that give the crew an idea of the damage it could cause. It packs a wallop, yes it does.
A picture of Marshall and Mitchell gets tossed in there for comedic measure, but Lauren's totally not charmed by it. She asks some question about whether the bomb's being shipped trans-Pacific or via the Atlantic. Jack pipes up that they don't know, but they managed to trace the operative's transmission to a digital storage facility in Vancouver where this dude maintains his database. Unfortunately, they weren't able to hack in, because the firewalls in that place are state of the art. In order for Marshall to hack in, someone on the inside will have to open up a port. And that's Dixon's cue to speak up and send Sydney and Vaughn on yet another mission together. Errant glances are tossed around the Triangle. Syd and Vaughn are heading to Vancouver for a little port-opening. Heh. I bet that's not ALL they'll open. Boom chicka chicka. Hopefully, this operative dude will have archived the details of the plasma charge shipment, and the CIA can intercept the bomb before it's delivered.
Marshall starts gibbering about his great cover idea for Syd and Vaughn. He thinks they should pose as radio astronomers looking to back up their recordings of interplanetary noise. Lauren throws a pissy glance Syd's way. Syd catches it and delivers a smoldering "what's YOUR problem" look right back at her. Marshall hands over some cheat sheets for Syd and Vaughn to check out en route. Dix steps up for his third line of the evening, and informs them that the Covenant may have intercepted communications from the CIA on their North Korea op, as well as that whole thing with the Doleac Agenda. "Langley has assigned a counterintelligence team to determine whether someone within the agency has been leaking information," he says as Lauren quietly freaks out. "Jack will run point on their investigation inside this office." The Brows of Destruction practically leap off Lauren's face and run for the exit. Her ass is SO toast if Jack gets hold of her, and she knows it. "Marshall? Lauren?" says Jack. "I've scheduled you both for the first round of interviews. You'll be available later this afternoon?" Lauren quickly lies that she's due in Washington for an NSA briefing, but she'll gladly reschedule it if Jack really wants her to. Heh. Jack's fine with that, and says Weiss will take Lauren's place instead. Everyone bolts.
Lauren storms off with Syd following. Syd's all, dude? Lauren ignores her and keeps chugging along. Syd's all, DUUUUDE? Lauren continues to ignore her. They pass off-screen, and we catch up with Vaughn and Weiss. Weiss is all, dude? How you doin'? Vaughn's all, fine. Weiss is all, hey, guess what? It's me, dude. And I'm askin' HOW YOU DOIN'? Vaughn just says he's hanging in there. Weiss asks him how Lauren was about it, and Vaughn looks over at his wife, still talking to Sydney. "She didn't remember," he says ruefully. We don't really know what they're talking about until later, which I think is kind of the point. Weiss is all, and you didn't SAY anything? Vaughn's all, nah, she's been busy. Being eeeeevil. Weiss is all, oh, yeah, that's probably it. She's not a CLONE or anything. Vaughn walks off and Weiss remains, sort of looking at Lauren like, is that an antenna I see coming out of her head? She's TOTALLY a FemBot! Over by Lauren, Syd walks off, and Lauren looks over and sees Weiss staring at her. She gives him her best "I am SO evil" glare, but since she's not wearing the Eyeliner of Eternal Darkness, it doesn't really work.
Switzerland. I guess. There's no black screen with white letters, so it's really anyone's guess. But I don't think Hell-Lay has buildings built prior to 1962. At least, none that I can see. We hear a cell phone ring, and luckily, Dr. Nancy is there to pick it up. It would appear that she's still in Switzerland, because it's Sloane on the other end. He's calling to apologize for his craptastic behavior the other day. Oh, and he's also working a gray turtleneck sweater and a dapper gray suit. What IS it with Rifkin and Garber and the turtleneck sweater look? I mean, I would MARRY a man who could work a t-neck sweater like they do. Really. REALLY.
Anyway, Sloane suggests that he and Dr. Nancy meet over a nice Chateau Haut-Brion and discuss whatever she may like. She's all, the what? I'm sorry, did you just ask me out to dinner? Sloane's all, what? Psychoanalysts don't eat? Come on! We'll have steak! It'll be fun! Dr. Nancy's all, dude? What is this, The Sopranos? I'm not going on a date with you, okay? Sloane's all, just think of it as an office with food. You can even bring a pencil and a pad of paper. Take notes. Get me coffee. Take my calls. Whatever floats your boat. He gives her the name of the restaurant, states that he'll be there at 8:00 PM sharp, and hopes she'll be there. She gets off the phone with a look of, okay, I'll totally let him buy me dinner, but I am NOT gonna let him feel me up. Oh, sweetheart. We've all been there. Trust me. Your boobs will have fingerprints on them by midnight.
Vancouver. I have nothing funny to say about it. At all. We're at some office building. The elevator opens, and Syd, dressed in a ridiculously short skirt and brainy black bob, exits, accompanied by some dude in a suit and Vaughn. He asks her if she's looking for alien life, and she blabbles something in this hilariously nerdy voice. What's she say? I dunno. S'not really important, I think. But Vaughn's eye-rolling reaction to Syd's over-the-top nerd is important. And hysterical. There's some more geek-to-geek back and forth between Vaughn and the Vancouver dude, primarily involving the storage capacity of the facility. Again, not really important. Vancouver Dude orders the guard on duty, "Luc," to do something to vault 2289 and assures his companions that, basically, this facility stores up to twenty years of data. I think this is supposed to tell us, the audience, that what the CIA is looking for is most likely somewhere in the system. Syd and Vaughn head into their storage room, and Vancouver Guy turns toward Luc the Guard. But Luc's disappeared. Wonder why. Hmmm…
In the storage room, Syd and Vaughn quickly set up their equipment, and Marshall tells them to tell him when they're connected to the mainframe. Marshall, it should be noted, has had approximately fourteen hundred cups of coffee. He also calls Syd on her geek impersonation, asking if it was based on him. She quips that it was based on his son. Hee. And, uh, sad, actually. I hope Mitchell doesn't turn into a girl geek with a scary black bob and a penchant for crotch-grazing miniskirts. Syd establishes a connection. This assignment seems to be a walk in the park. Syd starts downloading, and Marshall says he needs another 15 seconds to get the whole file. Suddenly, the walk in the park appears to have a fork in the road. Syd's screen goes blank. So does Marshall's. There's someone else in the system, according to Marshall, and that person is in Vancouver, because there's no other way to access the system. Marshall thinks this person just planted a virus. Syd surmises that the CIA mole must have linked the intel and beat them to Vancouver. Marshall tells Syd to disconnect from the system before the virus infects their copy. Or something. I dunno. Marshall's not sure if they got the shipping information; he'll have to reconstruct the data from what they've got.
Syd and Vaughn gather up their gear and head out. As soon as they exit the room, however, we see Vancouver Dude at the other end of the hall with a gun pointed directly at them. "Please!" he says, almost crying. "Please don't do this!" He doesn't seem to be saying it to them, however. Hmmm. Interesting. Finally, he closes his eyes and starts shooting. Syd and Vaughn fling themselves back into the room and pull out their guns. They hear all six bullets fire, a pause, and then another gunshot. They exit the room again, only to find Vancouver Dude dead on the ground with a bullet in his head. Syd hears a noise off-screen and declares that it's the shooter. They run after him/her. And there's running and chasing and more running and good God! I can almost see Jennifer Garner's underwear, her skirt's so damn short! Especially when they're chasing the shooter up the stairs. I mean, I have a girl crush on the woman and everything, but there are some things that really should be kept a mystery, you know?
They chase the shooter up to the rooftop parking lot and watch as a black Ford Mustang GT Coupe (trust me -- I looked it up) peels off around the corner. Syd and Vaughn frantically look around in search of the appropriate car to commandeer and, well, fortunately for them, there's a Ford F-150 across the way that would do nicely in this situation. Of course, if Ford weren't a major sponsor of this show, then I assume Syd would have just yelled, "The truck! The blue truck! Kick it!" But Ford is shelling out big bucks every Sunday night (that the show is actually ON), so the "F-150!" it is. Also, in case we missed Syd yelling the name of the truck, the crew gives us a nice tight close-up of the actual F-150 logo on the side of the hood. You know, because we're deaf and blind and dumb and irretrievably stupid.
Woo! Car chase car chase car chase. Through the parking garage, down the ramps, more Ford cars, more squealing, more repeated tire marks on the cement, Syd shooting out the window, horns honking, more chasing, more screeching. Hee! Good times. The Mustang finally makes it to the exit, but a goddamn Honda is in its way! (Okay, I'm not sure on the make of the car -- for all I know, every damn car on this show is contractually obligated to be a Ford -- but I like the image of the angry Mustang kicking a little Honda ass.) The Mustang just plows on through, pushing the car back into the street. Another car slams explosively into it. BAM! Woo! Nothin' like shattered glass to wake up a dying show! The Mustang peels off just as Syd and Vaughn make it to the exit. Unfortunately, another car is trying to enter at the same time and Vaughn, since he's a good guy, has to stop. Dammit, Vaughn! Just run 'em over! Worked for Sark, who just happens to be driving the Mustang! What? What'd I say? WHAT? Oh, that is SO not a spoiler. You'll see. Now shut up and read.
Oooh! And now is the time on Alias when we dance. That's right. It's back. But only because of the car chase. The car chase brought back the dance. Also? I've had a LOT of beer. WOO!
Oops Center. Syd's hangin' with Marshall, trying to find out how much of the data they got their hands on. Only about 63 percent, unfortunately. Oh, and Marshall's only had about twenty minutes of sleep. Vaughn's all, how long before you can get the rest of the file? Marshall's all, blabbedly boobedly algorithm algebra dingledly doodely pretty colors passing out -- he's seriously tired, people. Syd's all, how LONG, Professor Leary?! Marshall's all, twelve hours. Syd's all, TWELVEHOURSWEDON'THAVETWELVEHOURS! IFTHECOVENANTGETSTHEIRHANDSON -- "Sydney," says Marshall, calmly cutting her off, "I know." I loved that for some reason. Syd's getting all twirly and Marshall, new dad, minimal sleeper, big geek, just cuts her off like, dude? I'm doing what I can. Now go get me some more coffee. Because Marshall? Is living on coffee at this point. "I've had twelve cups," he says brightly. "But I'm not feeling anything which you'd think all that caffeine I'm gonna check and see if it's the real thing because do you guys want anything because yeah I'm just gonna go see if I could just snort the coffee right out of the filter maybe that would do it you know maybe that'd keep me awake just like that shrieking kid of mine did ALL NIGHT LAST NIGHT maybe I could mix the coffee with uppers and then I'd…" Marshall walks off in search of amphetamines.
Vaughn kind of wanders over to the corner, rubbing his eyes. Syd asks him if something's wrong. Vaughn's all, nah. Just getting old, I guess. Oh, and my wife's a MOLE. Syd's all, you expect me to believe that? Vaughn's all, dude? I just have a lot on my mind, that's all. It'll pass. As soon as I have my wife KILLED. "Yesterday was the day, wasn't it?" she asks. "The anniversary of your father's death?" Vaughn just looks at her, his breath caught in his chest. He lets it out with an expression of surprise on his face. "How could you remember that?" "I remember what missing him does to you," Syd responds with a soft smile. They share a moment, but then Vaughn's Evil Bitch of a Wife has to interrupt by calling him on his cell. Evil Bitch. EVIL BITCH. Heh. That feels gooood. Excuse me while I dance around in a circle and say that a thousand times in a row. S'fun.
Vaughn leaves the room and heads out into Oops Center to chat with Evil Bitch. Their conversation is really boring and short. Basically, she just asks how his day has been, he says it sucks, she gets called away, then tells him she loves him, but Syd passes by just as Vaughn would normally respond, "Love you too," and he looks after Syd and just says, "You too." Heh. He so doesn't love her anymore. Evil Bitch, I mean; not Syd. Syd he loves. He lurrrrrves. Yeah. I think I need another beer.
Then we're back in Zurich, where Sloane is enjoying a trough of wine. Seriously, the glass is bigger than his head. Unfortunately, it's only a quarter filled with wine. That's not a drink! Fill 'er up! Speaking of filling things up, Dr. Nancy's just arrived, and she seems to have left the better portion of both her breasts back at the hotel. Holy mother of GOD, what possessed the costume department (and Patricia Wettig herself) to slap this ungodly black dress on a body clearly not meant for it? I mean, Patricia Wettig's in just fine shape, especially for a woman who has to be in her late forties, but dudes? This dress has a wide-open vee for a neck that would only look good on a woman with breasts the size of casaba melons. And they'd have to touch in the middle. The breasts. Unfortunately, there is a cavern roughly the width of the Sahara Desert running down between Dr. Nancy's breasts. It's so wide, it could probably house an F-150 in there. Like, put some jewelry on there or something! It's so wrong it's distracting. I can't take my eyes off it. And not in the GOOD way.
Dr. Nancy and her cavern make their way over to Sloane's table. He gets up, and they shake hands. "Just so we're clear," says Dr. Nancy, "I'm here for professional reasons only." Oh, really? Well, I hate to tell you this, Dr. Nancy, but where I come from, dresses like that aren't worn for "professional reasons" unless you're a hooker. You might be here for professional reasons, but your breasts and their lack of cleavage most certainly aren't. Sloane practically licks her clavicle and invites her to sit down. She mentions something about her thesis and how she hasn't told him the theme yet. He pours her some wine and they toast.
She blathers something about how Sloane's living proof of how someone can change for the better. Sloane just slobbers at her, "You look beautiful." Oh, ew. Uncle Inappropriate Touching is back. Gah. She kind of avoids the comment and continues along her boring way. Basically, she's just greasing the wheels until she gets to her real purpose: the Rambaldi device. She says that it was instrumental in his transformation from master spy to humanitarian. Sloane says that it was critical. "It only revealed one word to you," she says. "'Peace.'" Sloane's all, yup. That about sums it up. "And yet there were eight yards of parchment scroll before the message appeared." D'oh! Haven't heard that one before. "Wh-what was on that?" she asks. Sloane just looks at her. "Oh, it was nothing," he says. "Blank paper. Sort of the equivalent of leader tape on a cassette. I discarded it." Yeah, right.
Dr. Nancy's not buying his story either. She's all, dude? You could have sold it. Or kept it. Studied it. Sloane's getting that pissed look in his eye. "It's hard to believe you would get rid of something you would normally consider holy," she says. "Are you calling me a liar?" he squints at her. Dr. Nancy mentions that secret he almost revealed to her the other day. Sloane just leans forward, savoring the moment. "I am not your patient," he sneers, "your client, or your lab rat. Now, we can speak in generalities, have an elegant meal, perhaps laugh together, but there are some truths that you will never learn from me. Do you understand that?" His eyes, by the way, look almost pitch black. Eeeee! Sloane leans back, his moment of evil finished. "You must be famished," he says, grabbing his wine. "I suggest the Barbary duckling. It's their signature dish." Dr. Nancy's had her fill for one evening, however, and whispers that this whole thing was a mistake. She leaves. Sloane just plays with his wineglass and looks off distantly.
Marshall's Den of Sleep Deprivation. He's managed to decode a portion of the file, and it would seem that the plasma charge will be showing up on a freighter in Lisbon in about fourteen hours. Vaughn asks how they're going to detect the bomb, and Marshall blathers on and on about some bomb sniffer he's giving them. When they're within 100 feet of the bomb, the thing beeps. For some reason, Marshall thinks he could have done better with the sniffer if he'd had a little more sleep, even though it seems perfectly adequate for the job at hand. There's a moment of comedy as Syd grabs the sniffer out of his hand and replaces it with the sheet of paper with the Lisbon message on it and Marshall just stands there, looking like he's just going to take a nap while standing up.
Lisbon. We're on a docked ship. Syd peeks over the edge and shoots some guard in the neck with a tranq dart. He drops, and Syd and Vaughn head onto the deck. She tells Dix and Marshall that they're on board, and Marshall tells her to fire up the sniffer and go hunt them some boom-boom. And not the kind that involves nudity and handcuffs. Syd quickly locates the charge as being in the engine room. As Syd and Vaughn make their way to the door leading below-deck, two black-masked figures scoot up behind them. Vaughn senses this and turns, only to have one of the figures shoot him several times in the chest. He goes down, and Syd starts firing on the enemies. She manages to drag Vaughn out of the line of fire and locks the below-deck door. "Vaughn?" she gasps. "You okay?" We'll have to wait until after the commercials to get the answer to that question. But I think it's safe to say he's not going anywhere.
I am SO seeing Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. That shit looks brilliant. And my new favorite commercials are all the CitiBank spots. That lost hamster ad? Utterly hilarious. Although the Burger King spots are quickly winning over my heart in the advertising game. I think I watch too much television. While drinking. In my underwear. Sigh.
Okay. We're back. And when I say "back," I really mean "back at the beginning of the episode." Because tonight's clever "mess with time" narrative structure isn't the "let's start at the end and lead up to it" format we've seen time and time again over these three seasons. No. Instead, it's the "let's see the same story only from a different POV except without really paying careful attention to the editing or actual POV because we're just too damn lazy to do that" format. See, after the break we join Lauren and Vaughn, in exactly the same spot they were in the beginning of the video. Exactly. And it's the exact same shots, the exact same dialogue, and if you'd gone off to get a snack or something during the break and come back to this scene, you totally would have thought that ABC had somehow rewound the episode to the beginning and was having some technical difficulties. A little futzing with the angles and character perceptions would have been nice, is all I'm sayin'. Two words: Pulp. Fiction.
So, anyway, it's the "I'm going jogging to avoid my true and honest hatred for you" scene. The only thing that's different is that a bit of dialogue is missing (what, from Lauren's point of view, that dialogue didn't exist? Or does she just regularly ignore her husband?) and, after Vaughn leaves, Lauren picks up the phone and calls back the person who'd called her. It's Sark. He's somewhere in Europe, I think, because where Lauren is, it's a little bit before the crack of dawn's ass and where Sark is, it's a nice and rainy noon. Lauren's not only pissy with him because he's calling her so damn early, she's also bugged that he's calling her on her NSC phone and that those records are checked for incoming calls. Fortunately, Sark's phone is untraceable. Sark's just meandering along a walkway somewhere, looking devilishly handsome in his black leather coat and low-slung black pants. He obviously shops at Angry Ed's House of Evil. And it looks good on him.
Sark tells her about some high-level top secret weaponry and wants her to filter any CIA info she gets about it back to the Covenant. She's all, you called me to tell me to do my job? What are you, middle management? Sark's all, baby, sweetie, punkin pie, don't be mad! She just hangs up on him and goes back to sleep. Then we're in the Conference Room of Endless Expositions and we're right in the middle of a repeat performance of the Camp Rainbow Sunshine Shining Sword show. Again, a strict repeat, with no new angles, shots, or dialogue. Except now, we know that Lauren's taking the information being bandied about the room and storing it way back in the Things To Tell The Covenant portion of her brain.
After the meeting breaks up, we follow Syd and Lauren this time instead of Vaughn and Weiss. Lauren finally stops and is all, bitch? Step off. I've said my piece. Syd's all, yeah? Well, then, you'd better find a bench and park it, because it's time for me to say mine. Basically, Syd just gets uppity about Lauren's implication that Syd's actively attempting to demolish the Elephant marriage. "If your marriage is in trouble, if you and Vaughn are having problems, I suggest you leave me out of it, and take it up with your husband," Syd snaps, spinning off to the exit. Lauren just kind of swings her head to the right in a rather saucy fashion and slowly, almost seductively brings her head back around. And there's Weiss, looking at her like she has a big red sign stapled to her forehead that reads, "EVIL BLONDES HAVE MORE FUN." Lauren sort of looks at Weiss like, oh, you are SO not worth my time. And please stop looking at me like that or I'll sic the Evil Eyeliner of Brimming Badness on you. Don't think I won't do it.
Lauren walks off to The Secret Corner of Dastardly Double Agents and makes a call to Sark. She fills him in on the plasma charge and the Vancouver storage facility. He's all, I thought those plasma things were only theoretical. She's all, that's just what Sydney said! You two must be related. He tells her that he'll meet her in Vancouver in four hours. She tells him it has to be three hours instead, because they have to be first in line. "The CIA is sending agents," she says. "Who?" he asks. "One guess," she snits. "Oh, sweetheart," he purrs. "This should be fun." Heh. "I'll see you in Vancouver," she says. "Don't be late. Or call me sweetheart." Ooooh. She's a bad-ass. I called someone a dumbass in a meeting today, and the guy took me aside later and said, "I know you were joking…uh…but…that…well, I don't know…it was kind of…" I just looked at him, my expression probably saying, "Hence the 'dumbass,' dude. Do I lie?" And Lauren's mincy "Or call me sweetheart" is about as threatening as the dumbass and his "Um…don't be meaaaan" speech I had to endure at approximately 3:42 PM today. But Sark seems to think it's hot or something because he's all, ooooh, she's ambitious AND domineering -- FAB! Like, ew, dude. Just…ew.
Okay, now we're in Vancouver, only this time, we're early. Luc, the real guard, is sitting at his desk reading a magazine. Sark Mission Impossibles down from the ceiling and stabs Luc in the neck. Lauren, sporting a ridiculous red wig, swings down to join him. That's just…why is she wearing a wig? Is that supposed to be a disguise? She's dressed in head-to-toe black, has more makeup on than Ru Paul on Oscar night, and her hair is FLAMING -- like, she's not in danger of blending in here, okay? Unless she's planning on attending an S&M party later, the entire outfit is completely stupid. But she looks good. I mean, better. I guess.
She tells Sark that Syd and Vaughn should be there in about twenty minutes. He tells her to get her swerve on then and bust it. She stalks off in search of a file room. She really does look much better in her evil bitch attire than she does in those mousy CIA suits. I still don't like the character, but at least I like looking at her now. Lauren chats with Sark about how she's going to corrupt the file and leave the CIA blind. He says that this will put another black mark on her hubby's record. "How does it feel to systematically ruin a man from the inside out?" he asks. "It wouldn't be the first time," she snerks. Oh, right. So we're supposed to believe that Lauren fucks men up. For a living. All the time. That's just…yeah. I buy it. Except for the part where I don't. Whatever. After dumping the real guard and putting on his jacket, Sark buzzes his bimbo into one of the rooms.
Then we catch up with Syd and Vaughn as they're heading to their file room. Geek speak geek speak geek speak. This time, after Vancouver Dude tells Luc to buzz them into a room, we see Sark look up from the magazine. Lauren's still messing with the file system. Sark tells her that Vaughn and Syd have just entered their room. Lauren says she's planting the file and that Sark better get out and get the car ready. "You are so controlling," Sark says in a moderately humorous tone that suggests he's enjoying the husband/wife bickering and playacting. I will be so glad when his devious endgame is revealed and we can all forget about what a dishrag he's being right now. He stands up and gets rid of the jacket as Syd and Vaughn enter their room. Vancouver dude turns and sees that Luc/Sark is gone.
Syd and Vaughn are just discovering the virus. Again, just repeating this scene is incredibly lame. Is Lauren in the room with them? Is Sark? Is either of them directly involved in this scene? Is either of them in Marshall's office? Because we repeat his scene as well. EVEN THOUGH THIS WHOLE PART IS SUPPOSED TO BE FROM THE EVIL POINT OF VIEW. Whatever. Vancouver Dude is about to discover Luc's dead body when Lauren pops out from behind him and orders him at gunpoint to drop his walkie-talkie. He does. She then tosses a gun at him and orders him to shoot Syd and Vaughn when they exit their room. Vancouver Dude doesn't really like this idea, but Lauren's gun pressed against his Adam's apple is pretty damn persuasive.
Then Syd and Vaughn exit and Vancouver Dude says his "Please! Don't do this!" line, only this time, we know that he's really saying that to Lauren, who's standing just off to the side. Vancouver Dude shoots, Syd and Vaughn run, and Lauren, who somehow instinctively knows that neither Syd nor Vaughn have been killed (what, can she see through walls now?), pumps a bullet into Vancouver Dude. Syd and Vaughn come back out, and The Chase of the Shooter begins anew, only this time? Damon Albarn and his mates are along for the ride. I'm telling you, the repeat of this whole scene only worked for me because "Song 2" was being used. I actually got up and danced. Complete with that head-slam thing I used to do in college when I'd go see Soundgarden at the Aragon Ballroom and I'd wake up the morning, smelling like the bottom of someone's combat boot, and my constant head bobbing from the evening would ensure that I'd only be able to turn my neck a quarter inch to the left and a half inch to the right for the rest of the weekend. Ah. Good times.
Hee. The closed captioning says "Blur: Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo!" Hee hee hee. Right. The chase. It's the same as the first time around, only we get glimpses of Lauren and Sark in the interior of their Mustang. "They're right behind us!" Lauren snits. "Yes, thank you, I can see that," retorts Sark. Heh. Chasing and chasing and chasing and shoving the car into the street and CRASH and the Mustang gets away. Apparently, car chases get Lauren hot, because she orders Sark to pull over immediately and jumps his bones right there in the front seat. And I gotta say, I found it kind of sexy. In a funny way. Especially when Lauren pulls back and her lip is bleeding and that totally gets Sark all hot and bothered and he flips back his car seat…which turns into him flipping back onto a bed with Lauren on top of him. Now THAT'S the kind of snappy editing I like to see on this show! And there are boobs! And Blur! And David Anders having sex! Oh, it's all good, people. It's all good.
After the break, we check in with Vaughn, who's coming out of Marshall's office, talking to Lauren on his cell. She, of course, is lying to the naked Sark. More naked Sark, please! And could someone tell the director that if he wants us to believe that Sark and Lauren had some mind-blowing, room-quaking sex, her wig would be flung across the top of a lamp somewhere and NOT STILL ON HER DAMN HEAD? But I will say that the smudged makeup and absent lipstick are nice touches. It's the little things that bring me joy. Vaughn and Lauren chat, then Lauren puts him on hold for a second. She turns to Sark and, as he's kissing her arm and shoulder, goes, "I'm working." Heh. He just leans over and kisses her. Lauren gets back on with Vaughn and tells him she has to go. She hangs up, and Sark wonders aloud if she thinks Vaughn and Syd spotted them. Lauren doesn't think so.
Sark's sweet-talking her, trying to tell her that she was amazing. No, not in the sack! Before! In Vancouver. Well, I fail to see what was so amazing about sliding into a building, pressing a few buttons, shooting a guard, and just…running away, but I think Sark's standards for "amazing" are slightly lower than mine. There's a pause after he delivers this compliment. Lauren says nothing. "Typically," he says, "this is where you return the compliment." Again, Lauren says nothing. She turns to look at him sexily, pauses as if she's going to say something, then totally doesn't and just gets out of bed. I think Sark's a closet masochist, because this action of hers only serves to bring a wry smile to his lips. What-fucking-ever, JJ and crew. The guy used to be a bad-ass and now he's all, "Oooh! Spank me, mommy!" What a crock of shit.
Zurich. And, hey, just for good measure, let's repeat another scene that doesn't involve Lauren and Sark. You know, because we've already done it several times, one more ain't gonna kill us! Dr. Nancy and her Cavernous Cleavage storm off, but this time, Arvin stops her before she can actually hit the streets. "Until I turned into a complete son of a bitch, we were having a wonderful evening," he says smarmily. Well, actually, Arvin, you were having a quarter of a glass of red wine and five minutes of rather tense conversation. It would seem that Arvin and Sark attended the same class in How To Underestimate Things So That Even The Most Mundane And Boring Events Become Wonderful And Amazing.
Arvin blah blahs about regressing to his former bad guy self and how it's difficult for him to trust anyone. Oh, whatever. Get to the "Syd's your daughter" thing already. He tells Dr. Nancy that he wants to get to know her. He wants to get to know her very much. And if her breasts would also like to get acquainted with him, well all's the better! Dr. Nancy's all, dude? What in the hell does your manipulating me and this date have to do with trust? Sloane's all, you want my secret? You can't handle my secret! Dr. Nancy just looks at him. Sloane starts to spill. It takes him FAR too long to actually get to the secret itself, so I'll summarize: He had an affair with Irina. Yes, that's right. The guy who was so desperately in love with his wife had an affair with his closest friend's wife. Because we're all about character assassination here at Season Three Alias Headquarters.
Dr. Nancy's all, are you telling me that you're Sydney's father? Now -- and this is very important -- Sloane says, "Hmm. I never tried to prove it. One way or the other. But the strength that Sydney finds within…I like to believe that comes from me." Right. Because Jack's such a candy-ass. And notice that he doesn't definitively state that Sydney's his daughter. I think that's because he really isn't and he's just messing with Dr. Nancy's head. Or Irina made him THINK that Syd was his daughter, even though she wasn't, just for her own nefarious purposes. Well, whatever, because now Sloane's amazed to find that he spilled his guts and the world didn't come to an end. Well, seeing as he just delivered a humongous goose-egg of a lie, I'd say that the world probably wouldn't come to an end, but that nose of his just tacked on another two inches. Why, helloooo there, Pinocchio!
Aaaand we're back on the ship. The guard is dropped by the tranq dart. Syd and Vaughn head for the ship door. Sark and Lauren come across the fallen guard. Sark spies the dart in his neck and says something about how it's a tranq dart, a CIA calling card. Right. Because the CIA doesn't kill anyone. "I wouldn't be so sure about that," says JFK from his permanent seat by the bar down in Limbo. Lauren, by the way, has huge black greasepaint circles around her eyes. Ostensibly, this would be a precautionary measure so that there would be no danger of someone recognizing her by her eyes, which are visible through the holes in her ski mask. However, Sark doesn't have the same makeup on his eyes, which just…ow. OW! I think I hurt my brain. Must. Stop. Thinking.
Sark and Lauren head off after Vaughn and Syd, and we see Vaughn getting shot. Syd drags him off. Vaughn's fine. He's wearing a bulletproof vest. They go to get the bomb. Sark and Lauren follow, splitting up so that Sark heads to the engine room and Lauren heads to the upper deck. Syd heads to the engine room, with Vaughn heading to the upper deck to cover her. See where this is going? Syd locates the plasma thingy and removes it from its case. As she does so, we see Lauren, looking down at her. Lauren pulls out her gun and is about to shoot Syd when Vaughn shows up and yells at her to freeze. She does. He tells her to drop the gun, and she does. Then he orders her to put her hands in the air and turn around. She does. "Take off the mask!" he says. She doesn't respond. "Seriously? Take off the mask, dude! I know it's you, Lauren! But I just gotta get a look at all that black shit on your eyes. The Eyeliner of Evil has gotten WAY outta hand, honey."
Lauren's about to take off the mask when Sark shouts, "PUT THE GUN DOWN, AGENT VAUGHN." Down below, Sark's pointing a gun at Syd's head. Oops. There's a stand-off here as neither Vaughn nor Sark is particularly interested in putting their guns down. "If you love her," Sark weasily shouts, "you'll put the gun down now." Syd's all, don't do it, dude! Lauren's all, wait a second here, you're gonna drop the gun? YOU LOVE HER? Sark's all, man, that was a stroke of genius on my part because Lauren's gonna be piiiiiiissed. Vaughn's all, look out below! And he drops the gun. Oh, come on, you knew he would. Why else would the writers force David Anders to ask that stupid question?
Lauren just looks at her husband in disbelief. And then she nails him one across the face. Heh. Vaughn goes down. This distraction allows Syd to take a shot at Sark. Lauren gets her dropped gun and starts shooting, allowing Sark to run for the hills. With the plasma charge. More shooting. Some running. Syd tells Vaughn that Sark has the bomb. Syd and Vaughn split up to chase after their quarry. Chasing. Running. Shooting. Up on deck, Syd loses Lauren. Elsewhere, Vaughn doesn't lose Sark. He jumps on top of him, and they both fall to the ground. Sark gets away, though, and runs to some stairs. Vaughn trains a gun on him and orders him to hand over the bomb. Sark flicks a switch, setting the bomb to go off, tosses it to Vaughn, and then runs off.
Vaughn tells Marshall that Sark activated the bomb and now he needs to deactivate it. Marshall's all, tell me what it looks like! Vaughn's all, like a battery-operated stick-on light! Whatever. Back and forth with Vaughn and Marshall until finally Marshall tells him to do something with the red and black wires. Vaughn's all, I don't think I have time to do that. Marshall's all, YOU CAN DO IT YOU CAN DO IT YOU CAN DO IT YOU CAN DO IT YOU CAN DO IT. Heh. He's had WAY too much coffee. Vaughn, of course, deactivates the bomb with seconds to spare. Everyone rests easy.
Random Restaurant of Sham Marriages. Vaughn's enjoying a brew at the bar. Lauren walks in. They kiss and exchange marriage chitchat. Lauren's phone rings. It's Sark. "It killed you, didn't it? Seeing him drop the gun for Sydney." Oh, heh. Sark's turning the screws. Nice. Lauren's all, uh, not a good time here, dude. Sark's all, he's there with you? Now? "Though he'd rather be with her?" snits Sark, still intent on messing with Lauren's head. "You know, it's quite a charade you two are engaged in." Charade. He says charade. AS AN AMERICAN WOULD. "Shuh-raid." He should have said "shah-rod," like a Brit would. I got backup on this from my friend Jillian. It should be noted, however, that Jillian was slightly more irritated by this than I was. I believe her first words to me in an IM conversation were "SHAH FUCKING ROD." I think she's still angry.
Lauren keeps faking it on the phone call, the entire point of which seems to be that Sark is now thinking that Lauren really LOVES her assignment, if you know what I mean, and I think you do. "Work is officially over," says Lauren, hanging up the phone. She leans forward and lays a long wet one on Vaughn. He's all, what was that for? She's all, I just miss you, that's all. Oh, and if you even THINK of going near Sydney again, I'll drown you in a wading pool and make it look like an accident.
Oops Center. Syd's sitting at her desk as Norah Jones sings about the carnival town. She looks up and sees Jack walking toward her. He perches on the edge of her desk, and Syd says she thought he'd be long gone by now. Jack says he was just about to say the same thing to her. Aw. He kind of aw-shuckses something about the plasma charge being in their hands. Syd pouts that Sark, on the other hand, isn't in their hands. "Have you had dinner?" Jack asks. "If memory serves, you always liked Miceli's." Syd just looks at him. "I haven't eaten there since I was eight." He just looks right back. "I do eat, you know," he says with a quirk at the corner of his mouth. Heh. She bestows a big smile upon him. "I'd like that, actually," she says with a bit of sadness. Jack throws her a sardonic grin, and Syd packs up her stuff and turns off her light. Jack puts his arm around his daughter, and they walk off in search of tortellini and bread sticks. Aw. More aw. And yeah, so he brought Chinese food over to her house during the last episode, thereby making this dinner exchange totally stupid and bad form continuity-wise, but they're so damn cute together that I could really care less.
on Alias: A super-special guest star. I'm still not digging this season so far, but the appearance of one of my favorite comedic actors will make me hate it a little less.