Previously on Alias: I gave a damn about what happens on this show. Currently on Alias: J.J. Abrams and crew spent some quality time with a batch of PCP brownies and several DVDs of Three's Company and totally messed with one of my favorite guilty pleasures of all time. Pass the Prozac. It's gonna be a bumpy night.
In case we forgot, Lauren shot Sark's daddy and is now a confirmed bad guy. Or girl. Or whatever. Then the white words come on the black screen and announce that we're in Chamonix. I have no idea where that is. I think it's in Switzerland. No, I'm not going to look it up on Google. It barely matters in this episode, and quite frankly, I don't give a shit if it's in Switzerland or not. I wish I were in Switzerland. With some wine. And Ioan Gruffudd. And nary a crappy episode in sight.
So, Syd and Vaughn are doing something to some rock wall. No, I don't know what. It involves a receiver or something. They appear to be hanging from bungee cords. They set up a camera that's housed inside a boulder or something. You know, just like those hide-a-keys your mom used to keep the backdoor key in that fooled no one, least of all burglars, seeing as she'd toss it onto a nice patch of dirt beneath a bush where there wasn't a single other rock to be seen. Crack security expert, the mom.
The camera pulls back, and Syd and Vaughn are indeed hanging in the middle of a mountain face. There's a lovely chalet down below. Syd gets on the horn and tells Marshall that the security camera's in place. He confirms that it's online and that the, uh, infrared is online. Or whatever. Syd and Vaughn unhook themselves from the bungee cords (I guess) and Syd turns to him all, you ready? Vaughn just looks at her and is all, well, actually, I wanted to talk to you about that kiss back in Korea. Syd's all, dude? Don't bother trying to cohesively connect to the last episode, okay? The writers certainly aren't, so why should you be any different? Fuck it. ARE YOU READY? Vaughn's all, let's go! They jump back from the wall, and their teeny tiny CGI likenesses dive down the side of a teeny tiny CGI mountain and suddenly throw up their teeny tiny CGI parachutes. Nothin' like teeny tiny CGI to pull me right into a story. Not to mention a useless preamble involving a rock, a chateau, and a security camera. Yeah. We're off to an GREAT start.
Hell-Lay. Conference Room of Endless Expositions. Dixon informs the troops that, according to Griffin Dunne, one of his former arms dealer contacts lives in the chalet that Syd and Vaughn just parachuted over. Ol' Griff did quite a lot of Covenant business down at the chalet, says Spy Daddy. What the Covenant doesn't know is that, once Griff decided to defect to the United Soviet State of the Unification of the Country Known As The Covenant, he hid a microdisk at the chalet that has something called the Doleac Agenda on it. What's the Doleac Agenda, you ask? Well, I'm sure glad you did. Because Syd wants to know too, and fortunately for us, she just asked Spy Daddy what the hell it is.
Now, this Doleac Agenda, well, it's a memo, of sorts. If by "memo," you mean "the conveniently centrally located Covenant playbook which outlines operational plans for the six Covenant cells, as well as all the names and headquarters of the cell leaders." Are they sure all that's on a microdisk? Sounds more like a macrodisk. Or a mongodisk. Or a humongodisk. That's a lot of information, is all I'm sayin'. Jack surmises that if the CIA could identify and get their hands on one (or more) of the Covenant cell heads, they could totally rip the Covenant a new one. Vaughn wants to know why Griff can't just tell them what's on the disk. Another good question. Jack? Well, apparently, Griff was very busy trying to figure out a way to follow up After Hours with a movie that doesn't suck, because he didn't have the time or technology to decrypt the disk.
Syd wants to know if they've discovered an entry to the chalet. Uh, that would be the DOOR, Syd. Or have you spent so long on this show that you've forgotten how to use doors and only swoop into rooms from above, trailing a parachute and a whiff of Coco by Chanel? Of course, just sauntering up to the chalet and ringing the doorbell is not an option in this case. Why? Marshall tells us, but I don't care enough to write it down. Suffice it to say that entering via the ground won't work, parachuting in won't work, and there's this little thing called a "lethal response system" that'll kill anyone who trips the alarm. Well, that's just incredibly inconvenient, wouldn't you say?
It would appear that this highly evolved security system is the work of one Toni Cummings, a.k.a. "Vivica A. Fox." Toni did time in a UK prison for breaking and entering, and has now turned her talents to designing security systems instead of hacking into them. She's famous for this "lethal response" thing. What it actually is, we don't know. I, personally, don't care. Syd, however, would like to know where this Toni person is. Agent Sean says he's trying to track her down. Yes, he says this with more aplomb and humor, but I'm already on page three of this recap, and I promised myself it'd be no longer than thirteen pages. I hated this episode THAT much.
Dix pipes up that, once Toni's located, Syd and Vaughn will meet up with her and pose as clients to obtain specs on the system. Syd and Vaughn share a look that's all, oh, dude, but we just kissed back in Korea! We can't, like, go on a mission together! This look, of course, makes no goddamn sense, seeing as Syd and Vaughn just came BACK from a mission together and didn't seem to be having any problem with each other. But more on this as the crapisode continues. Jack states that he'll go make a totally useless visit to Sloane, pretending to find out if there's been any fallout within the Covenant from Griff's defection, when really he's just going there so Sloane can yammer at him about the whole Katya-asked-you-to-kill-me-and-all-I-got-was-this-lousy-Rambaldi-life-juice situation.
Everyone gets up to leave. Vaughn and Syd share another stupid look. Jack sees the look and delivers a stupid look of his own, but his has more anger behind it, as well as a solid pursed lip tossed in for good measure. We shoot off to Zurich, where Sloane is bitching out some random person on his headset about a malaria vaccination. Jack enters, bringing a whole new sense of style to a black duster coat. Sloane's all, yo, homie, whatchew doin' here? Jack's all, uh, that Griff defection, right? How'd that go over in the Covenant? Sloane's all, uh, dude? Is that really why you came to see me?
Jack's all, uh, yeah, about that whole "mighta shot you" thing...I was under a lot of pressure...it was just circumstances forcing me...I don't really know that I would have gone through with it... "Oh, you would have," snaps Sloane. "I would have." Heh. Jack's still not stating that he would have done it. Sloane doesn't seem to care, telling him that doing everything you can to save your daughter's life is really noble, even when it involves blowing someone's brains out. Then he blah blahs something about how Jack is lucky and how Sloane has thought about his wife and how he misses her. He waxes messianic about his foundation work and finally concludes that nothing can erase the past or fill the void of being alone. Jack rather bizarrely suggests that Sloane talk to Dr. Nancy. "As someone who, at least today, has no intention of ending your life," says Jack, "I can arrange a meeting." Heh. Jack's funny. Not funny enough to erase this abysmal episode from my mind, but still funny.
Jack makes sure Sloane understands that it's of the utmost importance for Sloane to maintain his cover within the Covenant. Sloane agrees, but he doesn't think his "condition" can be helped by a psychiatrist. I'm not sure if he means "condition" as in "I miss my wife so much I want to die," or as in "I really can't be meeting with any new people because this Rambaldi shit I'm injecting into my veins makes me really susceptible to colds and germs." Oh. Wait. I'm getting ahead of myself. Sorry. More on the Hot Beef Rambaldi Injections later.
Fortunately, Syd doesn't have the same "condition" as Sloane, because she's chatting with Dr. Nancy right this second. In theory, Syd says, she should be able to move on with her life. You know, now that she knows all about the two years and everything. Too bad that all she sees in her future is Vaughn. And his lips. And his butt. And...man, Patricia Wettig's hair looks like crap. I'm so distracted by it that I practically miss Syd blabbering on about how she and Vaughn made out when they were in Korea. She blabbers some more about how the kiss is making things difficult, especially since they're supposed to go on another mission together. Yeah. Another. As in, you already went on one and didn't wind up licking each other's armpits or anything. I just...oh, whatever.
Dr. Nancy asks how Syd would feel if Vaughn left his wife for her. Syd doesn't think Vaughn would divorce his wife for her. But she does think he would divorce Lauren because they don't belong together. Right. Because that's not delusional or anything. Dr. Nancy asks if Syd thinks that Vaughn belongs with her. Syd just breathes heavily and asks, "Have you ever felt that someone's your soul mate?" Yes, Syd. Yes, I have. But Johnny Depp didn't share my enthusiasm, unfortunately, and it's really difficult to become one with your soul mate when you've been ordered to keep to a distance of at least three hundred feet at all times.
While Syd's pouring her heart out to a CIA-sanctioned psychiatrist, Vaughn's spending some quality time with Agent Sean. Too bad that Agent Sean's idea of "quality time" involves beer and pool and telling Vaughn that he's a jackass. He pretty much just says, dude? Whaddaya want me to tell you? Leave your wife for some hot spy ass? Or stay in a loveless marriage? Vaughn's wimpily states that he's not in a loveless marriage. Sean's all, yeah, whatever, dude. Your wife's a skag and you have no chemistry. Vaughn's all, do you think you can be in love with two people at the same time? Sean's all, no. I don't. Especially when one of them is about to put on a lot of black eyeliner and start making goo-goo eyes at Julian Sark. "However," says Sean, leaning over to take a shot, "I did have those same intense feelings for both Sporty and Posh Spice." "Yeah," says Vaughn, "who didn't?" I didn't. I was a Ginger Spice fan myself. But that's just because she had gingery hair and was chubbier than all the rest. I could get behind a chubby Spice Girl, even if the music was pure dreck. Oh, okay. I liked the music too. "If you wanna be mah lover..."
And now for the eeeeevil portion of the evening. Lauren's in some dressing room, taking off her top. A saleslady knocks and enters with some dresses. Lauren sends her off to look for more dresses. She removes her skirt, revealing a sort of old-style girdle-type thing with garters. Very retro. Also? Very inappropriate for a CIA agent who might have to, oh, I don't know, RUN AROUND at some point? Whatever. There's another knock at the door, and Lauren just tells the person to come in. Unfortunately, it's not the saleslady. Fortunately, it's Sark. We get a close-up of Lauren's face, just so we can confirm for ourselves that she is, indeed, wearing about seven layers of black eyeliner, making her the eeeeevilest woman on the planet. One more layer and she could even give Francinator a run for her money.
Sark says something about Lauren being such a good actress (ha!) that, back in that parking garage, he almost believed that they weren't working for the same organization. Then there's this truly ooky moment where Sark asks Lauren if she wants to get dressed and she sort of mock-seductively says no, she's fine as she is, but would HE like her to get dressed? He's all, uh, no, I can look at your boobies while we discuss all things eeeeevil. Speaking of eeeeevil, says Sark, let's chat about how we're both fed up with taking orders from the goddamn Covenant. Nice move, by the way, putting a couple bullets in my dear old dad. Lauren manages an expression that says, ooooh, dude. Sorry about that. You gonna kill me now? Nah. Sark's more concerned with how he's bankrolling the Covenant's entire operation whilst being treated as little more than a foot soldier. Lauren's all, why come to me with this? Sark's all, because I like your boobs in that bra. Mind if I nuzzle your neck a bit? Lauren just looks off, bored that this hot guy with the buzz cut would even entertain putting his face near her clavicle. Sark could manufacture chemistry with a kumquat, I do believe, but his powers of seduction are no match for the chemistry-free-zone that is Lauren Reed.
Sark wants to stage a coup. He knows of three Covenant cell leaders, thinks Lauren knows the other three, and thinks they should eliminate them all. The saleslady returns just then, and Sark opens the door. After a jaunty little repartee with the French saleslady, she leaves, handing Sark a black dress, which he then passes on to Lauren. God. It's even boring writing about it. Lauren puts the dress on as Sark explains that, once they eliminate the cell leaders, they'll head to St. Petersburg to meet with the head of the Covenant. Lauren's all, why? So he can kill us easier? Good question, Lauren. No, it's just so we can hang out with Quentin Tarantino again. Some more. Oh, and because the cell leaders all have these watches that contain the keys to their secret headquarters, and once you and Sark eliminate the leaders, you'll have all the keys, and that'll force your ascension in the Covenant, and if Quentin doesn't like it, you'll just threaten him that you'll take the keys to the CIA if he doesn't comply. You know, because that MAKES SENSE and all. Lauren pulls a red dress off the rack and asks Sark what color her husband would prefer. "I prefer the black," smirks Sark. "Red it is," says Lauren. I prefer that this scene had never taken place. Can you make THAT happen, Lauren? Can you? CAN YOU?
After the commercial, we join Syd and her dinner: a beer and a microwaved plate of pasta...and more pasta. What in the hell kind of dish is this? It looks like it has zucchini and some ziti and some more ziti and there are two partitions but everything's everywhere and we know all this because there's ACTUALLY A CLOSE UP OF THE DAMN FOOD and does that even make sense? Like, is this supposed to indicate just how sad Syd is without Vaughn? She's so sad that she's reduced to eating big plates of microwaved pasta of which Dr. Atkins would not approve? And how sad is it that I've actually wasted a whole paragraph on the dilemma of "Why is Syd eating crappy microwave Lean Cuisines?" I'm so bothered by this entire "plate o' pasta" problem that I actually yell at the screen, "JUST DRINK THE BEER! SCREW THE PASTA! LESS CARBS!"
Ah, well. The doorbell rings, and Syd puts down the beer she's been swilling and goes to answer it. It's Spy Daddy. Syd's all, hey! Did you come to talk about the Lost Years or the Sydbaldi Baby Situation? Jack's all, no, honey. We're done with THOSE storylines! I've come to talk office trash, and I've even brought along some kung pao chicken. Thank GOD Syd has something to eat besides the Peruvian Pasta & Pasta Smart Choice meal. Later, Syd and Jack share some sesame shrimp and chat about Toni Cummings and how she's operating out of a high-end club down in Athens. I'm assuming that's Athens, Greece, not Athens, Georgia, because I don't really think there are a lot of high-end clubs in Athens, Georgia. Unless R.E.M. started one or something. Because that would be cool. Jack tells Syd that she and Vaughn are going in as South African diamond smugglers. Oh, man. I can't WAIT to see the accents they attempt to pull off for that one. I have a BFA in acting, had four years of dialect training, can do pretty much every accent from here to Transylvania, and I am STILL stumped on South African. And Charlize "I Learned To Speak English From Cartoons" Theron is no help whatsoever.
Anyway, Syd's all, why the disguises? Why can't we just go in there, say we're CIA, and ask her some questions? Why, that's a very good question, Syd. But I'm thinking the answer to it is, "Because if you did that, then there would be no reason for you to dress up in a funny wig, sport a crap accent, and go on yet another awkward assignment with your former boyfriend. And what fun would that be?" Jack just mumbles something about how they're not sure yet whether or not Toni designed the chalet system. Syd immediately understands and blah blahs something about how they need to confirm that Toni designed the Chamonix system and THEN get the details on it. Jack says something about how he assumes Vaughn's going with her on the trip. Good assumption, Jack. Seeing as Dixon SAID that Syd and Vaughn were going on the mission together right in the middle of the Conference Room of Endless Expositions. What, were you too busy glowering at Vaughn to pay attention? Oh, whatever. This scene is dragging on my last nerve.
Jack tells her that she can ask Dix to send someone else other than Vaughn on the mission with her. Then they just stare at each other for a minute. Jack breaks the silence by shoving a piece of broccoli in his mouth and crunching away. Sure enough, the very day, Syd chats up Dix about getting Weiss to go with her on the mission instead of Vaughn. She manufactures some lame reason about Weiss having cultivated South African contacts or something, and therefore he's the wiser choice. Dix smells a rat, but goes ahead and tells her that he'll call Weiss in. He walks off, and Syd looks off into the distance in search of a reason why she shouldn't just throw on a poodle skirt and sweater set and head down to the beach to watch Fonzie save the day with his stunning jump over a pool of sharks. By the narrowing of her eyes, I'm under the impression that a good reason? She is not forthcoming.
Berlin. Sing it with me, "I'm a man. I'm a goddess. I'm a man. Well, I'm a virgin. I'm a man. I'm a blue movie. I'm a man. I'm a bitch. I'm a man. I'm a geisha. I'm a man. I'm a little girl. And we make love together." Yeah. Nothing like a little blast from your eighties past to take your mind off the rest of the crapisode. We're in a parking garage in Berlin and Ian Buchanan, he of General Hospital fame, is walking through, bitching at someone on his cell phone, as his henchmen tag along. Sark's hanging out in his shiny car, watching. He gets on his cell and tells Lauren that she's on. We see her sauntering out to the garage toward Buchanan. No, I don't know his character's name. And I'll let you in on a little secret: I DON'T CARE. Lauren and Buchanan yammer back and forth at each other, and it appears that they know each other in the biblical sense. Buchanan quickly dismisses his henchmen, and he and Lauren go around a corner, where Lauren blathers on about needing him because she feels vulnerable. All this leads to them making out rather furiously, with Lauren looking completely hot and bothered during it. Then, as Sark watches, Lauren surreptitiously pulls out a paring knife and stabs Buchanan in the side. She appears to have enjoyed the stabbing even more than the making out.
Sark gets out of the car and comes over to help Lauren move the body out of sight. "You know," he says, with a trace of his own hot and botheredness, "you're unbelievably good." Oh, please. She just made out with a guy and then stabbed him. Hell, even I could do that. And Sark's said the same damn thing to Sydney before, for very similar reasons. However, when he said it to Syd, I didn't have a squicky feeling in the pit of my stomach as I do now. Lauren's gross. I can't help it, she's just gross. And since when is it SEXY to practically DO some old dude in a garage and then STAB HIM WITH A PARING KNIFE? Good god, Sark. Get some taste. And some therapy. I beg you.
Lauren removes Dead Buchanan's Super-Secret Covenant Caper Watch With The Hidden Spy Key and orders Sark to get a move on because their flight for Paris leaves in an hour. Sark just drools after her like a puppy with a penchant for sadomasochistic women. Then we're in Athens. Syd and Weiss are on assignment. I'd just like to preempt this scene with a little message from me: This scene is pointless, unnecessary, and a total waste of my time. That is all. What happens? Well, wouldn't you like to know? No, really, wouldn't you like to know? You wouldn't? Oh. Okay. Well, then, I guess I could just move on to the scene. Provided the scene sucked less and had more purpose. Oops. Looks like I'm out of luck. Sorry!
Okay. Fine. I'm kidding. Syd and Weiss show up and want to talk to Toni. Borrowing the OmniAccent from the Bride of Wimpenstein, they try to gain access to Toni's inner sanctum. With a nod from Toni, they enter. Syd tries to shake Toni's hand, but she prefers not to. See? This is what I mean about this scene being pointless. What does that even mean? Why won't she shake hands? Is it important? Is it a clue? Is it a reference to Kill Bill or something? If it has no significance, then why is it even INCLUDED IN THE SCENE? I have no idea, and we never find out. With the exception of some weird looks from both Syd and Weiss, the odd no-shaking-the-hands thing is never mentioned again. Then Syd and Weiss chatter on about their diamond mines and the second weird-thing-that's-never-explained happens when Syd mentions something about God not wanting precious diamonds to molder away underground. Vivica makes this stinky face and chitters that she'd appreciate it if Syd would just leave God out of it, thank you very much. Why? Is she the reincarnation of Jesus, and talking about God makes her nervous? Is she an agnostic? Is she Satan? Like, WHAT?
What's the gist of this scene? Well, Syd and Weiss try to get Toni to talk about her lethal response system, she doesn't take the bait, they drop a bag of diamonds on the table, and suddenly, Toni's veddy interested in chatting with them. She takes them off into another room, and they tell her they want to hook up a lethal response system just like the one she did for the Chamonix chalet. Toni's all, and how do you know about that? Syd's all, the owner was a client. For some reason, this statement brings out the braggart in Toni and she just smirks, saying she outdid herself on that job. But those diamonds? They're not even gonna cover the down payment on this job. Syd's all, oh, really? Well, then, I have a counter offer. And it comes in the form of my CIA badge and a little thing we like to call "full disclosure." Basically, they want Toni to give up the goods on the Chamonix job, and in exchange they'll make sure she gets a pillow and a blanket when she's in prison. Toni states that there's no bypassing the lethal response system. And that's it. That's the last time we see Vivica A. Fox. That entire scene took about three minutes, and all we learned is that the lethal response system can't be bypassed. And for THAT they needed Vivica A. Fox? Jesus. They could have done that with a baddie right out of central casting and gotten the same bloody results!
We head on over to Marshall and Carrie and their Office of Eternal Geekitude. Just in case we missed that last statement of Vivica's, Marshall restates that the chalet is virtually impenetrable. Dix declares that they have to find a way in, like, now. Marshall's all, did I mention the "virtually impenetrable"? He goes on to blither and blather about the tunnel where the lethal response system is, and how there are three distinct zones: Zone One has the automated sentry guns, Zone Two has an electrified area, and Zone Three has the super-duper addition of motion-detection acid sprays. Did you get all that? It's hard to get through, is what they're saying. But get through they will, and with the help of some inflatable Kevlar. Does that even exist? Know what? I don't know. And yes, you guessed it: I DON'T CARE. All the Kevlar balls will do is get the automated sentry guns to shoot all their bullets, thereby rendering Zone One bullet-free. Zone Two? Well, the handy neoprene armor that Syd and Vaughn will be wearing will easily protect them from the electricity. And finally, for Zone Three? Well, I'd love to tell you about that solution, but at the moment, we have to deal with a Comedy Hijinks Moment involving Carrie and the kicking baby and Marshall and it's really all just SO FUCKING FUNNY. In fact, it's SO FUCKING FUNNY that Carrie and Marshall haven't figured out a solution to the acid sprays yet, but everyone's laughing SO FUCKING HARD at the baby antics that no one's even noticed!
And now for the "What the Fuck?" portion of the crapisode. We see some hands flick a lighter. The same hands pick up a spoon filled with viscous neon green liquid and hold it over the flame. Then a needle is dropped into the center of a piece of cotton and all the green liquid is pulled up into a syringe. The camera pulls back, and we see an empty black box, an ampoule filled with the green liquid, and a weathered box in the background that greatly resembles the box that Grasshoppah gave Sloane back in Season 2. In fact, it's Sloane who's been prepping the needle, and now he's prepping his arm for an injection. He injects the green liquid into his arm, and instead of suddenly turning green himself and growing arms the size of Buicks and rampaging around Switzerland in search of his Bad Dad, Sloane just kind of sits there and looks off into the distance.
Elsewhere, at Jack's desk, a cell phone rings. Jack picks up. It's Sloane on the other end. He thinks seeing Dr. Nancy is a good idea. Of course it is, Arvin. Especially since you've now developed a hankering for shoving Gatorade byproducts into your veins. Sloane hangs up on Jack and reclines, enjoying the feeling of wheatgrass juice pulsing through his body. In about fifteen minutes, he's going to have more energy than a four-year-old! And if he keeps up these treatments, his face will be smoother than a baby's ass and he'll live to be five hundred and fifty-two!
Apparently, the green goo gives Sloane awesome powers of staring, because when we return from commercial, he's just sitting at his table, looking at Dr. Nancy, who's sitting opposite him, wondering what in the hell she's doing there. This is yet another scene that does absolutely nothing for me. Sloane slimily tries to tell Dr. Nancy that she's more attractive than he thought she'd be, which, considering the current state of her hair, is more of a compliment than she's likely to get from any other green-goo-injecting creepazoid on the planet. Sloane rattles off Dr. Nancy's psychology credentials. Dr. Nancy responds by blah blahing something about serving her country and how intelligence people have to compartmentalize shit and grapple with some heavy other shit and zzzzzzzz...
Blah blah blah, Sloane wants to talk about Jack and Sydney. Bling blam blooey, Dr. Nancy won't discuss other patients. Ding dong ditchum, but how can Sloane be honest if they can't talk about the two most important people in his life? Clip clap cloppem, Sloane is free to talk about them, but Dr. Nancy isn't. Sloane looks like he's just about to spill out, "SYDNEY BRISTOW IS MY LOVE CHILD," but at the last minute he decides against it and gets up, apologizing to Dr. Nancy for her having to come such a long distance for nothing. Dr. Nancy's all, oh, please! I was just the soundstage over! No biggie! And I can stay as long as it takes! Sloane's all, yeah, yeah, yeah, here's a buck. Go buy yourself some paper, an envelope, and a stamp, write a letter, and mail it to someone who gives a shit, okay? I'm not talkin'. Dr. Nancy's all, oh, fine, then. I'll be in Zurich for two more days if you change your mind. Or, you know, if you want to sleep with me or something. We CIA psychologists don't get a lot of play.
Conference Room of Endless Expositions. Dixon tells the troops that two Covenant cell leaders are dead. Syd surmises that the Covenant must know they're after the Doleac Agenda, and are killing off the leaders before the CIA can get to them. Wrong, Syd. But nice try. Hey, here comes Marshall for another round of unwarranted comic relief that no one asked for. Hi, Marshall! He's concerned that they're moving up the timetable on the revisiting of the Chamonix chalet. See, the override of the lethal response system isn't ready yet, and Marshall needs another six hours to get it ready. Dix asks if it can be used remotely or something. Marshall seems to think it can, but someone will have to set up azzzzzzz...
I honestly don't know what's going on, and I'm too bored to care. There's something involving an uplink or something, and Jack has to go with Syd and Vaughn in order to provide the uplink. Or something. Yawn. Once the Terrible Trio is airborne, we have to deal with the awkward topic of The Kiss That Ate Korea. Syd and Vaughn are sitting opposite each other, making small ops tech talk. Finally, Vaughn brings up the fact that Syd requested Weiss for the last mission. He understands why she did it. Syd's all, dude? Every day I wish I could go back in time. But I can't. Because, if I could, I would TOTALLY tell Francinator to stop wearing that goddamn clown makeup, and I definitely would have shot her in the head right around the weird Tie Incident of 2002.
Syd goes on to say how, even though she still has feelings for him, she will NOT be the other woman. Not even if Vaughn buys her candy. And lingerie. And a car. And an island. Vaughn just quietly asserts that he knows that. Aaaand...that's it. That's the scene. Nothing more dramatic than that. S'over. And Jack enters to take our attention away from a completely flat scene that needs an injection of Sloane's green goo STAT. He states that the microdisk, or dot, or whatever they're looking for is in the cork of a wine bottle in the wine cellar of the chalet. Yeah, he says some other shit, but all YOU need to know is that they have to get into the wine cellar. Of the chalet. Which is impossible to get into. EVER.
We head to Salzburg, where a cell phone is ringing. Lauren and her eyeliner pick up. She and Vaughn have a rather fake conversation involving "I love you"s and "I'll make you dinner"s and plenty of other stupid shit. As Lauren fakes it with her husband, Sark strangles some dude on a bed. Heh. Lauren's eyeliner hangs up the cell phone, and Lauren goes over to the now dead dude and takes his watch. She and Sark share a sort of lustful look; then she walks off, with Sark watching her ass retreat. Then, because there's not nearly enough of this awful episode to fill a one-hour slot on ABC, the camera lingers on the beauty that is David Anders for a solid twenty-two seconds. I'm not really complaining, mind you. But I do think it's terribly sad that the powers that be have resorted to extended shots of pretty boys to pad their dreckful episodes.
The Swiss Chalet. Unfortunately, it's not the Swiss Chalet with the wine and cheese and crackers. Jack's camped out in some bushes, about three inches away from some guards who are too busy earning their SAG cards to notice his existence. He gets on the horn and tells Marshall he's in position. Elsewhere on the property, Syd and Vaughn jump down from somewhere and ask Jack to confirm their position or something. Jack does, then does that uplink thing. Honestly. No idea. Don't care. When this season stops sucking is when I'll care again.
Jack's uplink thing allows Marshall access to the security system. I guess. Syd and Vaughn open up the entrance to the Lethal Response System Tunnel Of Love and inform Marshall and Jack that they're in position. Marshall does something to sever the LRSTOL zone signals from the main security system so that the guards won't know they're on the premises. Or something. Unfortunately, Syd and Vaughn only have five minutes to get through the LRSTOL, grab the wine, and head back out to civilization. Syd just grits her teeth and tells Marshall to start the clock.
And now we're treated to this totally useless "suspenseful" and "action-filled" sequence that makes no sense whatsoever and seems to go and on and on until the end of time. Syd and Vaughn inflate the Kevlar decoys and drop them down, and the guns go off. And off. And off. And off some more. Until they're completely out of bullets. Then Syd and Vaughn move to the zone. They have four minutes left. Looks like that's just enough time for the writers to chew on a couple more 'shrooms and reintroduce Carrie and her Baby On Demand.
That's right. Carrie enters. And "it's time." Yes. THAT time. No, I'm not kidding. Now, as one of the posters pointed out, unless her water broke about four hours ago and she's actually feeling the baby's head pokin' at her pokin' at her, she really shouldn't have to worry about anything for another hour or so. What I'm saying is, SHE SHOULDN'T BE IN THIS SCENE. Not that I don't like the character or the actress or anything, but Syd and Vaughn only have four minutes to complete this mission, and unless the women in Carrie's family give birth in four minutes or less, I'd say she could've hung out for a few minutes until the op was over. But she didn't. And she's here. And she's giving birth. And she wants Marshall to marry her now. And that means that Agent Sean has to get a marriage license. On the internet. While Syd and Vaughn are at some Swiss chalet, dealing with lethal booby-traps. And we, the collective audience, are at home, staring at our screens with our mouths open, going, "WHAT IN THE FUCK HAVE THEY DONE WITH MY ALIAS?"
This scene is so goddamn stupid that I'm not even going to grace it with a recap. I'm just not. Don't like it? Bite me. Yeah, it's funny, in its own weird way, but it's not even remotely necessary to the plot and it just winds up taking away from what suspense there is in the stuff going on at the Swiss Chalet. Speaking of that, Syd and Vaughn are at Zone Two, and they're about to go down the Horrible Electrified Chute Of Chaos. Syd takes a reading, and the voltage is too high for their neoprene suits to handle. Marshall recommends that they abort. They recommend that they tie a rope to a pipe and slide down the center of the chute, avoiding the 500-volt walls at all costs. They make it down, with Syd accidentally brushing against one wall and not scaring a single person out there in Reality Land.
Syd and Vaughn have about 1:45 left on the clock. They go to Zone Three and shoot some sealant onto each acid showerhead. Well, that was easy. Syd and Vaughn run under the now-covered showerheads. There's more hijinks in the Baby Arena. Weiss marries them. Carrie goes to the hospital. Yeah, it's funnier than that, but it DOESN'T BELONG HERE, SO I'M NOT RECAPPING IT. Back at the chalet, Syd and Vaughn make it to the wine cellar, but they only have a minute left before the alarm system goes back online. Once inside the wine cellar, Vaughn hilariously says, "Look for the '53 Chateau Margot." Yeah. Because they're all MARKED. I know I mark MY wine bottles clearly. Or I would, if any one of them lasted longer than a week in my house.
Syd finds it. Marshall tells them they have twenty seconds. Syd's about to report in when, just then, a door opens elsewhere and a butler walks in. See, it actually WAS easy to get into the wine cellar! You just had to be a butler! Vaughn should have sucked it up and gone into service for a day or so; then that whole LRSTOL wouldn't have mattered! But it matters now, and instead of just bashing the butler on the head with a bottle and getting the hell out of there, Syd and Vaughn just sort of sit there, watching him, and they take so damn long that the alarm finally just...goes off. That's it. They have twenty seconds, they watch the butler like he's a damn Fellini film, and then the alarm goes off. It's just...so...STUPID.
Syd and Vaughn FINALLY run off just as some guards enter and shoot at them. They run to the acid hall and notice that the showerheads are leaking. They quickly make it through by running along the side. The guards show up just then and the showerheads conveniently bust wide open, dousing them in acid. Marshall tells Syd that the security teams have been alerted to their position. And then...Syd and Vaughn just calmly exit the tunnel. Outside. Into the forest. There's no chute of electricity. No hall of empty guns. They're in the acid hall, and then they're...outside. Man. If it was that easy to get in and out of the damn place, why'd we need Vivica? Hell, why'd we need this whole episode? WHY?
Apparently, we needed it to show, once again, that Jack Bristow will do anything (and kill anyone) just to save his daughter's ass. Just as Syd and Vaughn exit the tunnel, two guards show up and are about to shoot the kids when Spy Daddy jumps in and drops the guards with two shots. The three of them make for the rendezvous point, and Marshall copies that. Then he's all, oh, shit. I gotta go. My wife's having a baby. Then Syd actually gets on the horn and goes, "Congratulations." Like it's part of the op. Like busting in and out of an armed chalet is nothin'! Like I can't BELIEVE how BAD this is!
And we're back in Zurich. Sloane's enjoying a nice cold glass of Rambaldi Life Juice when Dr. Nancy enters, totally pissed off for some reason. She totally blah blahs and blahs some more about having studied Sloane for her postdoctoral dissertation. The whuh? She keeps going, saying she understands him or something. I have NO idea why this scene is even necessary. Dr. Nancy wants to help Sloane. Sloane just wants to drink his water and inject his green goo in peace.
Then we're with Sark and Lauren again, continuing their Horrible Reign Of Watch-Napping. Lauren's all, I'll head to Hell-Lay. You head to St. Petersburg and chat with the head of Covenant operations. Sark's all, you worried I'll fail to include your role in all this? Lauren's all, nah. Especially since I'll be taking the watches with me, Smarty-Pants. For some reason, this yanks Sark's chain, and he lays one on her. They make out for a couple seconds; then Lauren kind of glares at him and leaves. Yeah. She has the chemistry of a garden hose.
Aaaand we're back with Sloane and Dr. Nancy. Now he's saying he manipulates people and he's good at it. He lies, he keeps secrets, he divulges only what he must in order to elicit the reaction he needs. I think this last part is going to be important here in the near future. "One of those secrets affects the only two people I care about in the world," he says. "Sydney and Jack Bristow." He blah blahs some more about secrets and how there's power in the secrets that you keep, but this Syd/Jack secret wears on him. "It's central to my very existence," says Sloane. "It's...who I am." Then, instead of spilling the oh-so-central secret, Sloane just looks down at the floor. Dr. Nancy's all, dude? You were saying? Sloane's all, uh, yeah, about that. Thanks for coming in and looking pretty in your gray turtleneck sweater, but I can't do this. At least, I can't do this until the episode, when I'll reveal something to you that has everyone who's NOT spoiled going, "GASP!"
St. Petersburg. Sark's hanging out in what looks like a big ballroom or something. He goes to pour a glass of champagne and a door somewhere opens. Quentin Tarantino (a.k.a. "Shovelhead") walks in with a bottle of champagne and a nice, big stogie in his mouth. Shovelhead's all, dude! Whassup! Your hair! Now that's cool! Sark's confused. "You're the man behind the Covenant?" he asks. "I'm the man," says Shovelhead, pouring champagne, "in front of the man." The whuh? In the whuh whuh? What is THAT supposed to mean? Lord almighty.
Shovelhead's all, why'd you cut your hair, dude? Sark's all, oh, for the LAST TIME, it wasn't a matter of choice, okay? I was in custody! As I thought YOU were! When were you released? Shovelhead's all, oh, dude, that is SO another story. That I'm not going to tell you. Because we only have five minutes left to this episode, and nobody gives a shit anyway. Shovelhead hands Sark a glass. "To your hair," he snerks. Heh. Man. You know it's some sad shit when Quentin Tarantino guest-starring on your show is a HIGHLIGHT.
They partake of the bubbly; then QT informs Sark that he'll be the highest level Covenant official that Sark will be dealing with. Anything he wants to say to The Man, he can say to QT. "I assume you have something to say," says QT. Sark's here to make an offer. QT's all, hey, now. That offer wouldn't have anything to do with the six cell leaders you wiped out, now would it? Sark looks confused. And scared. And neither of those are good looks for our little Sarkie.
QT's all, yeah, should we talk about how you murdered my guys? Or what? Sark's all, uh, yeah, about that. I assume you know I was just acting in the Covenant's best interests, right? I love you guys! QT just walks over. "Julian," he says, getting rid of his bubbly, "don't do that. I can see right now that you're scared." Ugh. Sark scared of Shovelhead? God, I hate this show right this minute. Bring back Cool Sark! Bring him back now! QT says he has a present for Sark, and promptly drops one of the stolen cell leader watches onto the table. Sark looks like he's going to throw up champagne all over QT's nice suit. QT draws out his moment in the sun by slowly producing all six of the stolen watches and placing them on the table. "Did I just blow your mind?" asks QT. Oh, hee. Hee hee. Agh! AGH! Quentin Tarantino is the HIGH POINT OF THIS EPISODE! KILL ME! KILL MEEEEE!
QT walks off, and just then Lauren and her eyeliner slowly peel around the corner. Sark just glares at her. QT pipes up that, as soon as Sark delivered his Covenant coup pitch to Lauren, she gave QT a call. Truth is, QT was all for the plan from the get-go. Why? Because the CIA is after the Doleac Agenda. "Assume they get it," says QT. "They will have the names of all six cell leaders. You just made my life that much easier. Because now those names are irrelevant." Sark doesn't respond. Instead, he turns to Lauren and says, "A woman after my own heart." Oh, great. She goes traitor on his ass and he STILL finds her hot? GAAAAAHHHH!
QT's all, oh, glad to hear you like each other, dude. Because you two are gonna continue to work together. In fact, you're gonna be heading up our new North American cell. "That sounds..." says Sark, making a resigned pucker with his lips. "Just about right." "You're cockier than I am," says QT. "I love that about you." Hee. He said "cockier." Oh, please. Like YOU didn't giggle at that! Give me at least a LITTLE joy in this episode! PLEASE!
With Sark in place, QT takes Lauren aside for a little one-on-one. He informs her that she's still supposed to maintain her cover at the CIA and as Vaughn's wife. That being said, maybe she should put an end to her husband's "extracurricular sextivities." Oh, HEE. DAMMIT! (If you'd like, you can feel free to picture me ripping my hair out at this precise moment. Because that's what I'm doing. I wish I were kidding.) QT hands Lauren a picture of what is obviously Vaughn and Syd making out. Man. They even have cameras in dirty North Korean prison cells? They're ADVANCED, dude. Lauren looks at the picture and gets this really perturbed expression on her face, like she's just gotten a whiff of some really ripe limburger and she's lactose intolerant.
Oops Center. Syd's at some random desk, futzing around with a CD-ROM. Lauren walks over, and it would appear that she's sent her eeeeevil eyeliner to the movies or something because the Evil Eyes of Wrongdoing are not present and accounted for. Instead, we're back to doe-eyed Lauren and her Lip Gloss of Lameness. Syd tries to make small talk about Marshall's baby, but Lauren's having none of it. "I see what's going on between you and Michael, so let me be clear. Stay the hell away from my husband." She walks off. Syd just looks after her, wondering if it's too late to go back to Vaughn with an addendum to that whole "I won't be the other woman" crap she was spouting on the plane.
on Alias: Another three-week hiatus. Yeah. Uh-huh. Because the last couple of hiatuses worked so well. Keep in mind, people, that although I thought this episode sucked, a sucky episode of Alias is ten times better than even the BEST episode of Fear Factor. So just rest your pretty heads on that, okay?