I'd like to preface this recap by saying that I gave this episode such a low grade not because it sucked rocks, but because it was more boring than a swimming pool full of blancmange. I didn't like it, but I didn't hate it either; it was, for all intents and purposes, a broken piece of graham cracker with no jam, whipped cream, chocolate, or marshmallows anywhere in sight. Like, it's not that the cracker itself isn't relatively tasty on its own, but it's a damn sight better with some flavorful condiments, no?
For starters, we begin this episode in the middle. Syd and Vaughn are making out in some dank prison cell in the Q-Gong Province in North Korea, and then they're hauled down some hallway and placed in front of a firing squad. The guns go off, and we're transported back to seventy-two hours earlier. Yeah. I found this plot mechanism annoying the last THREE HUNDRED TIMES THEY USED IT. Three hundred and one times ain't the charm, people. In fact, the only time it's ever really worked for me was in the pilot episode, where it really heightened the element of surprise and put me smack-dab in the middle of a situation that I could neither understand nor escape. This? Ain't the pilot episode. Let's find another way to begin the show, shall we?
Conference Room of Endless Expositions. Now, in this scene, Dixon literally blathers his way through some expository dialogue that somehow involves an offshore phantom account, that somehow leads the CIA to believe that there's a Covenant official who wants to defect from...the Covenant. What, the Covenant's a fucking country now? And if you're looking for exact details on just what Dixon said, I'm afraid I can't help you out there. My office VCR decided to quit on me the second I sat down to write this recap, and I had to pull my bedroom VCR in here to watch the tape, and the two VCRs definitely don't see eye-to-eye, because the tape that looked just fine yesterday on the other VCR now has a horrid tracking line running through it at the bottom and the closed captioning is so confused by this interference that, for some reason, it only gave me a sentence or two of Dixon's speech. Or maybe Dixon's speech is so boring and meaningless and plot-device-errific that the closed captioning just threw up its hands and went, "Oh, fuck it. It's not like this dialogue means anything anyway. I'm gonna go pick up a six-pack and some Ding-Dongs. You want anything?"
So, this Covenant defector, if the CIA gets him out, can likely spill a whole can o' worms on the Covenant. Dix believes the defector has top-tier access or something. Syd and Vaughn are being sent to North Korea to meet with the defector. Dix gives all the details of the meet, but since the whole meet gets screwed up in the near future due Loathsome Lauren putting a hit on her hubby and his best girl, I'll spare you the nitty-gritty here, okay? The only important detail, as far as I can tell, is that Vaughn and Syd will only have fifteen minutes from the time the meet is supposed to take place to show up. You get that? If the meet starts at 2 PM and Vaughn and Syd show up at 2:16 PM the whole deal's off. Yeah. That's one exciting and importzzzzzzz...
By the way, Loathsome Lauren is doing her damnedest to give an underlying current of evil to every facial expression. It's not really working, but I applaud her efforts. Hell, she's trying so hard to give off an "I'm with Evil" air, she's practically sweating. Once the meeting adjourns, Loathsome Lauren walks over to Syd and invites her out to dinner Tuesday, Vaughn's hockey night. Vaughn looks decidedly uncomfortable at his wife's invitation. Syd looks surprised, but agrees to the dinner date. Lauren just smiles and says, "Great. See you Tuesday." Heh. Yeah. I caught that. And yeah, I laughed. Probably one of the only high points in this episode, actually.
Pharaoh Taxi Cab Company -- Where We're Always Phair With Our Phares. Lauren's catching a ride in what is obviously a Covenant taxi. Her driver appears to be her handler, and he's played by Arnold Vosloo, the actor who portrayed the mummy in, uh, The Mummy. I actually like him a lot. He's big and hunky and bald and has these dreamy eyes. However, I must state for the record that, no matter how much I like him, his appearance in this episode didn't lift the black cloud of boredom hanging over my head for one single second. So, Arnold's not too pleased with the idea that the defector may compromise the Covenant. He tells Lauren that they'll send one of their own people to intercept the defector, and then he asks her what airfield Syd and Vaughn will be leaving from so that they can be eliminated before they get their hands on the informant. She kind of hesitates, and Arnold's all, dude? What's with the hesitation? Or do you WANT me to go all Egyptian on your ass? Lauren just answers that she doesn't know which airfield it is, but she can get him the location faster than Domino's can deliver a piping hot mushroom pepperoni fat-o-gram to your door.
Oops Center. Lauren enters and makes her way to what we're supposed to assume is Vaughn's desk. I have no idea how we're supposed to assume this, but the fact that The Ominous Strings of Wifely Betrayal are being piped over the sound system indicates that Lauren's up to no good, and therefore she's probably doing something nasty to Vaughn in some way, shape, or form. She reaches Vaughn's desk and goes to pick up a file folder that is clearly marked "NORTH KOREA." Yeah. No one beats the CIA for keeping classified information UNDER WRAPS. I know that when I'm preparing for a top secret mission to a heavily guarded country, I like to leave important documents lying around on my desk in plain view of EVERYONE IN THE ROOM. God.
Before Lauren can get her hands on the file, however, she hears Vaughn say her name. She turns and lies about wanting some restaurant phone number. Vaughn's all, what were you doing, dude? There's a small pause. Of course, in that pause, we're supposed to think that Vaughn is totally onto his wife and is referring to her thwarted attempt to steal one of his clearly marked North Korean file folders. But no, he just wants to know why Lauren would ask Syd to dinner. She just minces something about how they can talk about it when she drives him to the airport. This, of course, gives Vaughn the chance to say that his stuff's still at the house and that Dover, the airfield, is minutes away from home, so he'll drive himself. So, Lauren's got the info she needs. Vaughn blah blahs something about how he doesn't want them associating with Sydney outside of work, but Lauren's not listening; instead, she's mentally undressing Arnold Vosloo and wondering what clover honey might taste like when licked off his beefy chest. Or maybe that's me.
After a totally inappropriate-for-the-workplace kiss, Vaughn leaves, and Lauren immediately calls Arnold and tells him the name of the airfield. We cut right to someone prepping a sniper rifle for business. Then we see the sniper himself get ready to take some people out. Across the airfield, Syd and Vaughn enter the plane safely. The sniper doesn't shoot them. Instead, he shoots the two pilots, who act as if they've both just gotten nasty wasp stings or something. The sniper enters the plane number into a PDA, and Arnold picks up the message on his end. The job's done. Arnold informs the man standing across from him that he is being deployed to North Korea. Unfortunately, the man standing across from him is Sark, and Sark really doesn't appreciate it when people, especially bald people, tell him what to do.
Looks like Sark's the guy Arnold's sending in to intercept the defector. Sark wants to know who their man at the CIA is and if his intel is reliable. Arnold's not talking. He goes to leave. Sark bitches at him that it's his $800 million bucks funding the Covenant's current operations, and at the moment, Sark's finding the Covenant unreliable, disorganized, sloppy, and, well, disrespectful to its benefactors, really. Arnold's all, dude? You want me to tell that to my superiors? Sark's all, uh, yeah, sure. Whatever. Arnold's all, you're going to North Korea, dude. Suck it up, order a vodka tonic, eat some peanuts, fondle the stewardess, and do a whole lot of shutting the hell up. Sark's all, yay! Peanuts!
Meanwhile, on Afterlife Airlines, the two pilots are starting to cough and sweat and generally look like they've ingested some bad tuna salad. In the back of the plane, Syd and Vaughn are sitting opposite each other, not talking. Syd finally asks Vaughn what he's reading. He's snips that he's reading Calvino. I have no idea who that is, and I'm not looking it up, either. Syd asks if Vaughn has reviewed the file. "Of course I reviewed the file," he snaps. Wow. Spy Daddy told him to avoid being overly kind to Sydney; he did NOT command him to be a complete and utter asshole. FYI, Vaughn: Syd's a black belt. I'd watch the 'tude if I were you. Syd's all, this SO isn't gonna work, dude. Vaughn's all, what's not gonna work? Syd's all, dude? What have I done to you to make you act like such a horse's ASS? Vaughn's all, I don't have a problem with you! What's YOUR problem?
Oh, Lord. This scene is totally unnecessary and actually kind of beneath the actors. Basically? Vaughn's being a dick and Syd's calling him on it. There's a lot of back-and-forth about how she's been trying to make the best out of this ridiculous situation, and he's sick and tired of trying to put on a happy face and pretend that everything's okay. Syd's had enough. She's about to get up and go...well, I don't know where, really -- I mean, it's a fucking plane. Where's she going? Whatever. She just spits something about how when they get back, one of them has got to go, because this working together at the CIA thing is NOT happening. As soon as she gets up, however, the plane lists and then starts to dive.
Syd and Vaughn make their way to the cockpit and discover that the pilots are dead. Vaughn carts the pilots out as Syd tries to take control of the plane. Vaughn says something about being in North Korean airspace and how they have to abort. Um, weren't they in North Korean airspace just a minute before with the pilots at the helm? They didn't have to abort then, so why should they now? Oh, hell, maybe the little nosedive they took put them in the airspace. I don't really give a flying fuck. Some heat-seeking missiles come after the plane. Ooooh. Suspense! Will they survive? Well, seeing as we started the episode with Syd and Vaughn on the ground and not in the air and that's less than seventy-two hours away, I'd say, yeah. Yeah, they fucking survive.
Just for kicks, as the missiles go after the plane, we check in with Loathsome Lauren, who's looking wistfully at a picture of her and Vaughn together. Yeah. Don't care. More plane. More missiles. Oh, please. THEY SURVIVE. God. The plane goes down. Gee. Wonder if they survive? OH WAIT. I ALREADY KNOW THEY DO. See, if you already know your lead characters have a hot kiss coming up, then it's not really suspenseful to see them get into an airborne skirmish, now is it? THEY LIVE. We already know that! Oh, and the whole "main characters almost die" scenario? Done. Over. Kaput. They're the goddamn STARS of the show! Unless one of them winds up pregnant or breaking their contract to star in Peter Jackson's adaptation of the His Dark Materials series filming over the seven years in Antarctica, I'd be willing to bet THEY'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE ANYTIME SOON. So, trying to make us think their lives are in jeopardy? Not really working for us, okay? NOT WORKING. ERGO, KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF.
North Korea. A bunch of North Korean soldiers hear a plane crash in the distance. No, I'm not joking. They run off to see if there are any survivors. I get on the PA system and shout: "M.A.S.H. 4077! Incoming! Incoming! And Klinger? Get your pantyhose off the shower rods. They're really annoying." Back at Oops Center, the troops are getting word that Syd and Vaughn's plane went down. Lauren enters and wants to know what's going on. Uh-oh! Maybe Syd and Vaughn DIDN'T SURVIVE. Gah. Jack and Lauren share a relatively fake moment wherein Jack tries to tell Lauren to be strong for Syd and Vaughn's sake. Oh, what-fucking-ever. I'm so over this episode already and it's only the first fifteen minutes.
Dix calls everyone into his office and tells them that the Joint Chiefs of Staff have told the CIA to stand down, and their official take on the situation is that Syd and Vaughn are disavowed. Jack storms off in search of a plot that has some connection, ANY CONNECTION, to last week's episode. Dix thinks the Joint Chiefs of Staff can go fuck themselves, and tells his troops as much, ordering them to pool their resources. "We don't rest until Sydney and Vaughn are back in our hands," Dix says, practically foaming at the mouth. We then join Jack, sitting in his car at Superdawg on Milwaukee Avenue as one of the carhops delivers a Whoopercheesie and a chocolate shake to his window. Yeah. I think my no-fries-no-shakes-no-bad-food-whatsoever policy is starting to look pretty damn sucky right about now. Mmmm. Fries.
Sorry. Actually, Jack's in his car in The Random Parking Garage of Ex-Wife Instant Messaging. He's contacting Irina. What do they talk about? Why, Sydney, of course, and how she's downed in North Korea and Jack needs one of Irina's contacts to get her out. Irina kindly offers to help Jack out with one of her contacts and says she'll be in touch. I think it's so nice of Irina to keep her laptop with her at all times, along with an integrated Ethernet card, so that every damn time Jack needs to contact her for a thirty-second scene to move the plot forward, she's right there, ready, willing, able, and parked at a Starbucks on the corner of Never Coming Back Avenue and Enough With This Stupid Plot Device Already Boulevard.
North Korea. Otherwise known as "Disney Backlot 481." Syd's trying to contact base ops. No answer. Syd and Vaughn discuss the situation, and Syd surmises that they're about forty minutes from the place where they're supposed to meet the defector. Syd then notices that Vaughn's arm is bleeding. Vaughn brushes it off as nothing and states that if they head to their meet on foot, they'll miss their window. Or something. I don't give a shit. And neither do the North Koreans. They're coming in, and I don't think they're bringing a welcome basket full of coupons and coffee cake. Syd and Vaughn scramble and do something with some gasoline and some flares, and then run off just as the soldiers approach the wreckage. Vaughn lights the flares and tosses them, sending the wreckage into an explosion and sending the soldiers flying. "M.A.S.H. 4077, we have wounded incoming! And Frank? Get your hands off Houlihan's ass already! You've had them there since oh-seven-hundred hours and you STILL haven't done anything more creative with them than the occasional slap!"
After watching Syd and Vaughn run away from the North Koreans for what seems to be four hours and forty-two minutes, we switch to Jack, who has either not moved at all since his last interaction with Irina or, like, it's the day or something. I have no idea. I'm going with the idea that he's just been sitting there, waiting for her to get back to him. She does. And she tells him that someone will meet him at Syd's apartment that night at eight. Jack's phone rings, and he picks up. It's Sloane. He wants to help with the Syd situation. Jack tells him to go stick his thumb up his ass and watch reruns of Good Times on TV Land. Really. He says that. Check the tape if you don't believe me.
Disney Backlot 481. Syd determines that they've outrun the Koreans for the moment, so they stop. She wants to fix Vaughn's arm. Yawn. She wraps medical tape around it as he watches her. When she finishes the wrapping, she kind of smacks his arm with it, and he winces. "That's for being a jerk on the plane," she says. Heh. Another of the only high points in the show. If you're counting, I think that's Number Two. Vaughn ignores the jerk comment and just thanks her for the medical attention. Syd surmises that they've got seven hours to get to the meet, so they'd better find some form of ground transportation. Vaughn passes her a look. Syd's all, what now? Vaughn's all, nuthin'. Oh, whatever. This whole scene is unnecessary. I mean, what? Does Vaughn have polio or something? He can't wrap his OWN wound? No reason for this scene. What. So. Ever.
Syd's Killer Apartment of Honeyed Woodness. Jack's chillin' at the kitchen counter, reading Little Altars Everywhere or something and doing all sorts of damage to a nice black turtleneck sweater. Seriously. There's nothing sexier than a man who can wear a black turtleneck sweater. Or any color turtleneck sweater, really. Especially if that man is Victor Garber. The dude can wear clothes, my friends. And he can wear them well. The shoulders on this man? A crime, people. A CRIME.
Anyway, there's a knock at the door. Jack goes to answer it. Outside, a figure hidden in shadow says, "Jack Bristow." Oh, hell. You know it's Isabella Rossellini, right? Well, it's Isabella Rossellini. And she looks good. I mean, she's got some puffiness under her eyes and she looks her age and everything, but she's still one hell of a looker. Winona? Gwyneth? Jennifer? Yeah. Take a number, sisters; you should only DREAM of looking as awesome as Isabella when you get to be her age. So, Isabella enters and tells him that Syd and Vaughn are alive. Jack's all, who the hell are you? Isabella's all, dude? Mebbe you should be asking me what you need to do in return for my help here. Jack just makes this hilarious face and is all, yeah, I was gonna get to that. Isabella's all, dude? I'll get you your kid and her boyfriend back safely if you do one eensy-weensy favor for me. "I need you to kill Arvin Sloane," she says. Jack looks like Isabella just asked him to taste a vegetarian lasagna Alfredo made with soymilk and non-gluten wheat noodles.
I think I'm hungry.
Oops Center. Lauren's busy at her computer, checking Hot Jobs for such available positions as Head Pain in the Ass, First Assistant Angry Brows, and Junior Executive Waste of Time. Weiss walks up and tells Lauren that Syd and Vaughn survived. There's a beat where Lauren almost looks like she's gonna go, "What? That goddamn sniper! I told him to take the pilots out! Oh, man. Well, just goes to show you: you want something done right, you gotta do it yourself." Instead, she just hugs Weiss gratefully and then looks off into a corner of the room so that all of us can watch as she quickly turns off her "concerned wife" face and flicks the switch on her "duplicitous bitch" expression. You know, just in case we weren't aware of how eeeeeevil she is.
Disney Backlot 481. Syd and Vaughn discover an abandoned jeep. They immediately start to salvage it. As they go to work, Vaughn starts to apologize for what a jackhole he was back on the plane. Syd just goes, "That's okay," before he can actually say the words. Oh, for Christ's sweet sake. Never! Never stop a man right before he's about to fucking APOLOGIZE. If there's one thing we women have learned, it's that men rarely apologize, so when they actually DO, you don't STOP THEM BEFORE THEY SAY THE WORDS. Vaughn blah blahs something about how easy it used to be for them to be together and how are they supposed to be friends now and get along and how ridiculous this all izzzzzzzz...
And what's Syd's response to all this jerk-hearted tongue wagging? "I slept with Will." What? Not "dude, you're being a jerkface and your wife's a bitch and you're an immature toad who can't seem to DEAL with the fact that you're WORKING WITH YOUR EX-GIRLFRIEND when THOUSANDS of people before you have managed to DO JUST THAT without all this damn drama"? No. Just "I slept with Will." Vaughn's all, you what? In the what what? Syd just tells Vaughn that she and Will got drunk in Warsaw and slept together. Okay, A) how is this any of his business and B) what on EARTH has it got to do with Vaughn's dumb-ass statement about how difficult it is for them to work together?
Vaughn's all, oh, that's just great! How am I supposed to react to that? Syd's all, well, um, frankly, I don't give a rat's ass how you react to it, dude. Do a jig. Perform a high-wire act. Kiss a cactus. Just do SOMETHING other than be a sanctimonious PRICK. "Bad enough being a fugitive in North Korea, now I have to find out you slept with Will?" quips Vaughn, trying to make light of the situation. Yeah. Syd was real naughty there, Vaughn. Why, it's almost as naughty as, say, marrying someone after only knowing them nine months! Bad Syd! Going and sleeping with a friend she's known and cared about for several years! Naughty naughty! Syd states that she's moving on. Not with Will, just generally. Yeah. Because we were worried about that. To fill the awkward lull in conversation, Vaughn starts up the jeep, which now works perfectly. How convenient. They drive off.
Oops Center. Lauren's in some random hall or room somewhere, making a call to Arnold. She tells him that Syd and Vaughn are still in play, and he's all, dude? How is that even possible? Lauren's all, uh, good question, CUEBALL. Especially since I jeopardized my position here at the CIA in order to serve you their heads on a fucking platter. Arnold just says he'll pass the news along, and they end the call. Then Lauren leaves the bathroom, and we get an extended shot of the shut glass door. Why? Why do we get that shot? Was that really necessary? I don't think so. Oh, who gives a damn. We're about to see Isabella go apeshit on some guy.
We're in Koreatown, Los Angeles. Isabella and Jack show up at some building, and Isabella tells the guard at the door that the "Black Sparrow seeks an audience with Mr. Cho." Obviously, she's the Black Sparrow, because the guard immediately gets that he should let her in. He wants to announce her, but she prefers to enter unannounced, and barges her way in with Jack hot on her heels. Inside, a nice Asian man in a yellow jacket is enjoying a lovely tray of sushi that is being fed to him by a delightful young female companion. This seems to be some sort of sushi/Korean barbeque establishment, because there's a grill built into Mr. Cho's table. Mmmm...Korean barbeque. I think I have to go make a phone call...
Isabella greets Mr. Cho warmly and apologizes for interrupting his din-din. He's all, Iz! Whassup! Thought you were never coming back to the States! What brings you to my hovel, beeyatch? Have a seat! Isabella sits as Jack watches warily. Cho tells his girl to leave, and she does. Isabella's all, dude? This ain't a social visit. You have a debt to pay and I'm here to collect. I need an extraction. She means Syd and Vaughn, of course. Cho's all, uh, no can do, dude. Isabella seems to ponder this idea, then decides that stabbing Cho in the hands with a couple of barbeque skewers trumps pondering any damn day. Jack goes to town on the guards in the back of the room.
"This is not a negotiation," Isabella says to Cho. In the back, Jack continues fighting, getting in some good hits, until one of the guards stabs him in the side with a switchblade. Jack still manages to drop all of the guards, though, stab wound be damned! Cho still thinks the Korean job will be too dangerous. Isabella grabs his head and shoves it close to the grill. It sizzles appealingly. Or maybe I just need a snack. Isabella's not concerned with the repercussions of the Korean job. She just wants it done, and she wants it done now. Cho finally agrees to help. Isabella drops an envelope onto the table to Cho's skewered hands and tells him that it contains everything he needs to know about the extraction. She cocks her head to the right like a curious puppy. "Don't fail me," she says softly, and you know, even though she's all quiet and shit, that she could mess this guy up even more so than she already has. Damn. Jack just leans forward as Isabella passes him and kind of goes, yeah! We'll be in touch! Or she'll be in touch! Or, like, doesn't she kick all kinds of ASS? Heh.
Gah-Li. I'm assuming we're still in Korea. There are chickens and Asian people in knit caps, so, yeah, I think we're still in Korea. Syd and Vaughn pull up, just two extremely white Caucasian-type people in a goddamn North Korean jeep. Nothin' to see here, folks. Nothing at all. Nothing out of the ordinary. Move along, please. Syd looks over and sees three sugar cubes sitting on a table and Griffin Dunne sitting with them. Guess he's the defector or something. Vaughn wants to get a move on. Before they can walk over to Griffin, however, Sark shows up and shakes Griffin's hand. Guess he's acting as the CIA contact or something. I dunno. All Syd and Vaughn can do is watch as Sark takes their man.
Sark, dropping the British accent for the moment, asks Griffin what his name is. His accent, sort of a generic American one, is totally hilarious. Especially considering that David Anders is American and his British accent, while not altogether flawless (those are hard to come by in Hollywood, I've found), is certainly fairly well done. So his Brit-doing-an-American accent here is utterly priceless. And I'm marking this as the third high point in an otherwise dismal episode. As Sark talks to Griffin, Syd and Vaughn contemplate their move. Yawn. Stretch. Sigh. Napping. I'm napping now.
Sark and Griffin keep talking, with Griffin looking increasingly nervous and agitated. However, this scene, while it's kind of funny and the accents from Sark (white-bread American) and Griffin (generic Slavic) are at times downright hilarious, is altogether totally unnecessary. I mean, except for the fact that in a minute or so, Syd and Vaughn are going to be captured and we'll wind up where we started this damn episode in the first place. Did I mention the napping? Sark is about to shoot Griffin when Syd and Vaughn appear, with Syd pressing a verrrrry sharp knife to Sark's groin. Heh. "Groin." I seriously am twelve years old.
There's a sort of impasse at this moment and some back-and-forth between all of them. Then the North Koreans show up and bring the whole party to an end. There's a totally gratuitous shot of Syd's knifepoint being shoved directly at Sark's crotch that I think was intended for all the Sark lovers out there. There's no other reason to put it in here. Griffin dumbly tries to get the hell outta there, which only serves to cause a scuffle between Sark, Syd, and Vaughn. Sark somehow escapes, and Syd, Vaughn, and Griffin are captured by the North Koreans. Yeah. The yawn is implied.
We thankfully go to commercial, which means that I only have about fifteen more minutes of this utter shite to recap.
We return to Isabella checking out Jack's knife wound. She says it isn't deep, but that the liver might be damaged. Jack's all, yeah, I was gonna say...I'll need you to check if the tissue's intact. Um, yuck. Also? If the wound's not that deep, how in the hell is she gonna check and see if the tissue's intact? What, is the liver now to the second layer of epidermis or something? Or do I have my human anatomy incorrect here? I don't know why I'm even bothering to question this when Victor Garber's sporting a wife beater and a set of shoulders that are just begging to be cried upon. Or kissed profusely. Or, you know, whatever strikes your fancy. Huff huff, people.
Isabella goes to get her liver probe ready or something, and Jack says he's curious as to which of Irina's sisters Isabella actually is. "Elena or Ekaterina?" he says. "I haven't been Ekaterina since I was a child," she says. "My sisters call me Katya. Which means that Irina wasn't the one who told you about me." Man. The Derevko sisters are a dangerous bunch. One's an international terrorist, the other strikes homicidal bargains and stabs people with skewers -- what's the third one, a Russian serial killer whose chief weapon is a samovar? Lord almighty. What I wouldn't give to have been invited over to the Derevko house for a Sunday dinner while those little hellions were growing up. Anyway, Jack's all, yeah, well, when you discover your wife's a Russian spy, you kinda wanna know all about her true identity. We then get a gratuitous shot (complete with the gratuitously ooky sound effect) of Isabella, or Katya, or whatever, poking around in Jack's side in search of an intact liver. Jack just kind of grimaces. Um, she has her FINGER in his ABDOMEN. Like, why isn't he gushing blood? I just...oh, man. I'm so over this.
Isabella declares the liver intact and then slaps a bandage on the wound. No, I'm not kidding. She's just shoved some barbeque tongs, a salad fork, a Razor scooter, a ficus tree, and a small dachshund into the hole in Jack's side, and yet all it takes to seal it up is a piece of self-adhesive gauze? I think we need a judge's ruling on this. Isabella says something about how, even though Jack's whip-smart and all that, he was married to Irina for five years without ever knowing who she really was. Yeah, I know, they were married for ten years. I think, though, that Jack figured it out early and stayed married to her in order to A) do a little double-agenting of his own or B) continue getting some of that sweet, sweet lovin' that only Irina could deliver. Country be damned! I think that's the five years that Isabella's referring to. Or maybe the fact that I haven't had any butter or mayonnaise in nearly three weeks is causing me to make shit up in order to excuse glaring writing mistakes in a show that, right now, is making me wish I were BLEEDING OUT MY EYES.
Isabella surmises as much, saying that the love she gave Jack must have been damn fine if he couldn't figure out what an evil spying bitch she was for all those years. Isabella goes on to say that now that Syd's going to get home safely, Jack has a little job to do. Jack's all, yeah, right, kill Sloane. I remember. Only, what could you possibly gain from his death? Isabella's all, well, that's for me to know and you to find out. Just do it. You choose not to do it? I call off your daughter's rescuer.
Speaking of daughters, Syd's locked up in that Korean prison we saw at the beginning of the episode. She's not making out with Vaughn, though. I think that's coming up later. Instead, we get a protracted sequence wherein some Korean general or something basically yells, shrieks, shouts, and screams at them in Korean, obviously wanting something very, very important from them. There's also some general brutality and abuse in the form of gun-butting and kicking. Just get to the kissing already, okay? Finally, Griffin weasels up and basically rats out Syd and Vaughn, telling the Korean general guy that they're CIA. Griffin says he'll tell them everything. What a rat-faced turdbrain he is. They cart him off, and the remaining guards kick the shit out of Syd and Vaughn.
The guards leave, and Syd and Vaughn turn to each other and embrace. Yes, it's very sweet. No, they don't kiss yet. Yes, I wish this episode were over already. No, it's really, really not. We have to go to Zurich first so that Jack can kill Sloane. Except that, yet again, Sloane's one of the major characters, so the actual threat of Jack killing him is kind of half-assed and transparent. It's about as flimsy as Ben Affleck's excuses for why he ain't married to J. Lo yet.
We get a shot of Jack in his car, checking his gun. Then he enters Sloane's building and tells the receptionist that he has an appointment with Uncle Arvin. The receptionist informs Sloane that Jack's there. We cut to another set of commercials, which means I only have about five more minutes of this episode to recap, which actually means the episode itself was only about forty minutes long. AND IT'S STILL ABOUT THIRTY MINUTES TOO LONG FOR MY COMFORT, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
After the break, we catch a glimpse of Jack on a closed-circuit monitor as Isabella watches him. She picks up a phone and dials, asking for Arvin Sloane. Sloane picks up in his office, and Isabella greets him. She's all, dude? I assume you know who this is. He's all, yep. Can't mistake the dulcet tones of Ingrid Bergman's daughter, can I? Isabella tells Sloane to back off Irina. Sloane's all, why, what do you mean by that, my dear? Isabella's all, no matter how protected you think you are, you're not. "Even from your friends," she says. "Even from the one you're about to see." Sloane kind of looks around, aware that Jack's his appointment. "Your continued life is a favor," says Isabella. "From me." She hangs up and then makes another call. Jack picks up. Isabella tells him to abort the assassination and that she'll explain later. Jack goes in to see Sloane.
Sloane's just calmly waiting for him. He wants to know if Jack reconsidered his offer to help Sydney. Jack's all, uh, no, um, I, uh, see, I was supposed to come in here and kill you and, well, now that that's been called off, I don't really...how's it hangin'? They kind of blah blah back and forth; what they actually say doesn't really matter, since both of them know that one of them was supposed to die at the hands of the other. It's death prevention small talk at the moment. Jack tells Sloane that they're working on getting Syd out of Korea. Sloane's all, you flew all the way to Zurich to tell me that? Jack's all, oh, yeah, good point. I, uh, I had a meeting! That's it! I had a meeting around the corner and just thought I'd drop by! I wasn't coming to kill you or anything! Nope! Not me! Sloane just says something about SD-6 and some meeting in Berlin and how K-Directorate made an attempt on his life. "You never forget what that feels like," says Sloane. "To barely escape with your life." Of course, he's not really talking about Berlin, is he? "I have a plane to catch," says Jack with his trademark stoicism. "Then you should go," says Sloane, looking like he's ready to catch the bullet between the eyes. It doesn't come. Instead, Jack just leaves. Sloane looks after him all, phew! That was close!
Prison Cell of GET ON WITH IT ALREADY. Vaughn declares they're not going to make it out alive. Yeah. Because you don't have a seven-year CONTRACT or anything. Syd doesn't respond. "There's something I need you to know," breathes Vaughn. Syd stops fiddling with her handcuffs. "Vaughn," she breathes back. "In my life," he says, "there is only one person --" "Don't do this," she says. "Look at me," he pleads. They continue this way, Vaughn trying to open up his heart in this, his possibly final moment, and Syd trying to STOP him from just fucking saying, "I love you." God.
He keeps trying to speak. She keeps trying to shut him up. As with the apology thing, Syd: NEVER INTERRUPT THEM WHEN THEY'RE TRYING TO SAY "I LOVE YOU." NEVER. There's a sound in the distance. Looks like the guards are coming. Syd's distracted. Vaughn finally pulls her around and says, "Sydney." "I know, Vaughn," she says, prohibiting him from even saying the words. "I know." Then she leans forward and whispers in his ear, "We'll find each other. We always do." Yeah. I loved that line the first time around, when it was in Last Of The Mohicans. She kisses him on the cheek, and they quickly move into a very passionate and emotional kiss.
Too bad the guards show up to bring it to an end. Syd and Vaughn are escorted down a hallway, both looking miserable and downtrodden. They pass Griffin the Gimp, and Syd glares at him. Once outside, Syd and Vaughn are pushed up against the firing wall. The soldiers take aim, and Syd and Vaughn look at each other, prepared to die. The shooting starts, but it's not the soldiers doing the shooting; it's just one soldier at the end of the line. He drops everyone there except for Syd and Vaughn. He walks over and tells them he's Mr. Huan and he's there to help them. He gets them out of their shackles, and they all reenter the prison. Griffin's all, whut eez happening? Vaughn shoots some random guard at the end of the hall.
Once in Griffin's cell, Syd releases him from his shackles as he gibbers about how he hopes she didn't take his whole betrayal thing personally. Syd just tightly looks at him and then clocks him one with a hefty right hook. "Thank you," simpers Griffin. Heh. And here we have the fourth high point in this sewer-sucker of an episode. As some lovely folksy guitar plays, the kids make their way out of the prison, with Vaughn dropping a couple more guards and making a really sexy face as he does so.
Then we're at Oops Center, and the rescued Syd, Vaughn, and Griffin enter. Weiss walks up and takes Griffin off to another part of the center. Dix walks over and says something to both of them, obviously relieved that they're home safe. Marshall runs up and hugs both of them so tightly that their wounds reopen. Aw. Love Marshall! Just then, Vaughn sees Lauren. He immediately walks over and embraces his wife. Syd just watches from a distance. Um. Nice. "Love you, Syd! Oops! There's the wife! Gotta run! Hi, Honey!" Lord. Syd sees her father and leaves Marshall. She throws herself into her daddy's arms (aw!) and they embrace for a moment. "How did you find me?" she asks. "Your mother found you," says Jack. Syd just looks stunned.
We switch to an exterior shot of Jack walking toward a really lovely fountain where Isabella's waiting for him. Jack states that Isabella warned Sloane about the hit, and that whatever trust Jack had established with Sloane over the past three months has been destroyed. What Jack can't figure out is how this helps Irina or Isabella. "One day, when you least expect it," Isabella says, "Irina's intentions will present themselves to you. And when that day comes, I promise you, they will be unmistakable." "Thank you for helping Sydney," Jack says grudgingly. "Isn't that what family's for?" quips Isabella. She leans forward and kisses Jack lightly on the lips. "That was from Irina," she says saucily. There's a pause. Then she full-on launches herself at Jack and lays a long, deep, wet one on him, complete with her hands all over his face. Jack sort of doesn't know what to do, and then it comes back to him quickly and he puts his hands on her waist and really gets into the kiss. Heh.
Suddenly, Isabella pulls back, sort of like if she didn't stop herself now, they'd go a LOT further. Jack just stares at her, slack-jawed, with lipstick all over his face. Oh, hee. Hee hee hee. "And who was that from?" he manages to snit. Isabella just gets this hilarious expression on her face as if he was chewing Juicyfruit and she now has his piece of gum rolling around in her mouth. She closes her eyes in exasperation and just says, "Too many questions." Then she walks off, taking Jack's dignity and libido with her. Jack just stares after her, not knowing which end is up. Hee hee hee. And, ladies and gentlemen, we have the fifth and final high point of this otherwise totally dreckful episode.
You know, even though I thought this episode sucked, I still really love this show. Wanna know why? Because of the actors. I love love love them. No matter how horrible an episode might be, they're always stellar and always fun to watch, and seeing as this is the case, I'd really, REALLY like the new episode to NOT make me want to strangle kittens with my bare hands and run screaming into traffic with a balloon animal on my head. REALLY.
on Alias: We have yet another break, this time for three weeks. Isn't it bad enough that this episode sucked donkey balls? Now we have to wait three weeks in order for these dumb-asses to redeem themselves! Life's too short. I'm moving to Kauai and selling pukka shell necklaces to fat guys named Floyd.