You Give Me Fever

S03E10

Syd starts to do that drunk cry that we're all familiar with (unless, of course, we're not raging alcoholics like I am). "I dunno," says Syd, sniffling. "What?" says Will, taking the bait. "I'm just alone," she says, looking at Will plaintively. She starts to cry in earnest, and Will kisses her on the forehead and gathers her in his arms. Awwwww yeah. She cries. He comforts her. She pulls back and lays one on him. Awwwww yeah, again. Some more. Heh. Will kind of goes with it, and before we can see a full-on sex scene, we switch to Buenos Aires, and the collective audience screams out, "NOOOOOO! We want Syd/Will sex! We want the SWILL! It's the only damn sex we've had this season so far! COME ON!" But, sadly, there is no SWILL. There is only…Buenos Aires.

And a fountain. A fountain in Buenos Aires. Some hot guy on a bench picks up a newspaper. Sloane's sitting to him. He tells Hot Guy that the target is a government employee. Notice how he doesn't say "Sydney Bristow." That'll be important later. Hot Guy wants to know when and where. Sloane tells him that when he knows, Hot Guy will know. Hot Guy says, "And just when I was beginning to believe the glowing press about you being such a…humanitarian." Heh. By the way, I have no idea who the actor is who's portraying Hot Guy, but his Argentinean accent is lovely. Melissa George? Are you listening? Sloane just says, "You're a smarter man than I," and leaves.

Moscow. Huh. We've been here before, I believe, but I have nothing pithy to say about it. Must be the vodka. Mmmm…vodka. After the Moscow establishing shot, we're in some random torture room, and Sark bursts in, looking down at Lazaracratenbarrel, who's strapped to what looks like a makeshift torture chair. It must be underground, because we hear things dripping in the background. Sark sends some random guard out of the room, and he slams the door shut. Sark moves over to Lazapotterybarn and straddles a chair right in front of him. Sark looks at him curiously.

"Who are you?" asks Lazarey, because, really, how long can I continue this "make up Lazarey's name as you go along" thing? "You abandoned me as a child," says Sark. "The vague memory I have of you, you were physically abusive." Well, that's reason enough to have this guy in shackles as far as I'm concerned. You should kick him a couple times too, while you're at it. But Sark just goes on to say that Lazarey left him eight million dollars and should he go on? Well, yes, actually, you SHOULD go on, Sark, because we want to know what your first name is. Lazarey kind of looks at Sark in recognition. "Hello, Daddy," says Sark. Heh. Lazarey's all, dude? You weren't grateful? Your eight-mil inheritance wasn't enough? Sark's all, I know the truth, dude. And therefore, I feel no remorse, seeing you all strapped up like this. "I was an apparatchik by profession," says Lazarey, making me squeal with glee because I spelled "apparatchik" properly, apparently, even though I have no idea what it is, because Microsoft Word didn't call me on the spelling! Okay. Gimme a minute. I have to go and see what in the HELL "apparatchik" actually means…according to the Merriam-Webster online dictionary, "apparatchik" means "a member of a Communist apparat" or "an official blindly devoted to superiors or to the organization." "Apparat" gleans no further answers other than that the word is Russian. Happy now?

Vaughn pipes up that Syd seemed like she was struggling back in the Dream Dugout when she was under. He wants to know what was happening to her. Syd informs them that she fought herself and then killed herself. The Dream Team has absolutely no answer for this little revelation. Syd goes on to say that she heard herself say that it was the Covenant who had her, and that it wasn't an accident that she doesn't remember anything. Jack reveals that Creepy Cronenberg discovered that Syd's memory of the Lost Years has been removed and that, judging by the precision of the removal, Syd might have been a willing participant. Syd's all, the whuh? In the whuh whuh? I don't get it. Vaughn's all, neither did Creepy Cronenberg.

And with that, we're off to lovely Hell-Lay, where Sloane's engaging in a little clandestine meeting with the Dream Team, sans Sydney. Jack wants to know if Penis Head's still biting. Okay, that so doesn't sound right. Sloane avers that Lindsay seems to believe Syd's being held by the Covenant, considering that he's agreed to the Rambaldi device exchange. Sloane asks where Sydney is. Jack's all, she's baking cookies for the state fair, dude, what do YOU care? Sloane's all, pursuing a lead, eh? All 'cuz she met with that crazy doc I sent you to? So he was helpful, no? Vaughn's all, yeah, if by "helpful" you mean "almost killed her once and then let her go into a dream state with my wife's doppelganger." Jack says something about how the NSC is expecting a final call from the Covenant agreeing to the exchange, and he wants Sloane to make the call. In the meantime, Jack and Vaughn are gonna head on back to the CIA and make Penis Head think they haven't been in contact with Syd during their little hiatus. "I've instructed Sydney to contact you when she's ready to return," he says, turning to give Vaughn a look that says, "We are SO done here." Jack walks back to the car, and Vaughn remains. He looks at Sloane and says, "I just wanted to say, for the record, concerning this exchange -- Sydney's life is in your hands. If you betray her, I swear to you, no matter what it costs me, I will kill you." Aw. Good ex-boyfriend! "No need to worry, Agent Vaughn," says Sloane calmly. "I love her too." Vaughn kind of looks like, "Hey, wait a minute! I never said -- oh, hell. Of course I love her! C'mere, you old lug!" But instead of hugging him, Vaughn just looks at Sloane with a tense expression and we fade to black…

…only to wind up in…Wisconsin? Um, what? Okay, I'm sorry. That had to make J.J. and crew laugh their asses off. A push-through with "Wisconsin"? I guess it only makes sense. We've been to Kuala Lumpur, Russia, Iceland, Argentina, and now…Wisconsin. The last exotic locale on the planet. Pass the cheese, people. This is gonna be good.

We're at a construction site. Some bald guy enters and tells someone named "Jonah" that it's quittin' time and they should get something to eat. Just then, we see that "Jonah" is our favorite Willage Idiot. Good GOD he looks hot. Yum. Baldy tries to get Will to leave, but Will says he has to finish some stuff and he'll meet the guys at the bar later. A few seconds after he sits down to go over some papers, Syd slowly walks up behind him. She looks at him for a beat, then says "hi" in a throaty whisper. Will just freezes, taking a second before he turns to look at her. Syd gets that "I'm not gonna cry, I'm not gonna cry, I'm not gonna cry" face and just says, "I know." Will slowly gets up and takes a step toward her. "You're dead," he says, disbelieving what he's seeing. Syd's all, dude, I know, okay? I wanna tell you everything but, um, I think I'm gonna cry for a bit first. She asks if there's somewhere they can talk. Will's all, oh, yeah, sure, I haven't seen you since, um, YOU WERE DEAD, and now you wanna go somewhere and "talk"? Yeah. I'm thinking I'm just gonna go get my stuff and then pull this gun on you.

Syd wisely puts up her hands, and there's some screaming back and forth about how Will thinks she's dead and Syd says she isn't and that she didn't die and that she's not a clone and Will wants her to GET DOWN ON HER KNEES and Syd falls to the ground and Will picks up his cell and goes to call Langley and Syd's all DUDE DON'T CALL LANGLEY IF YOU DO THAT YOU'LL BURN ME I'M A FUGITIVE and then Syd finally tells him to ask her something only she would know. Whew. Talk about your run-on sentences. Will brings up something that happened to him on the day he interviewed for the newspaper and how she's the only one he told about it. "What was it?" he shouts. Syd tells him about how some dude bumped into him on the elevator, spilling coffee all over his new white shirt, and how he freaked out, but his boss thought it made him look like a real reporter so she hired him. Damn. That's all I have to do to get a columnist job? Spill stuff on myself? Well, if that were true, I think I'd be at the goddamn Washington Post and I'd have three Pulitzers by now.

Will somehow believes this and pulls back a bit. This gives Syd the chance to take the gun away and point it toward him. She's all, dude? I could totally hurt you right now. But I won't. You're my best friend! You're my oldest friend! I lurve you! Will's all, dude? Then why are you aiming that gun at me? Syd tosses it to the ground. "Oh my god," he says, realizing that she's really Syd. She runs into his arms and they embrace, Will smiling with relief. And tons of charisma. Yowza. I missed Will. Or, I should say, I missed Bradley Cooper. Prettiest blue eyes I've ever seen. Slurp.

Then we're in some random parking lot. Sloane walks up to a car and raps on the window. Penis Head's inside. Heh. I just got a random mental image of a big penis sitting in a car. Heh heh. I need professional help. NOW. Sloane gets into the car and informs Penis Head that he found the marksman for the Sydney assassination and he costs $500,000. Penis Head is fine with this price and tells Sloane that if the marksman jugs it, Sloane can kiss his freedom goodbye, 'cuz Penis Head'll hand over the dossier on Uncle Arvin's extracurricular activities to the Justice Department. Sloane just looks at Penis Head as if he'll soon be spouting blood and guts and oh wait, I'm getting ahead of myself here.

Now is the time on Alias when we dance. ["I actually witnessed the dance last Sunday, and all I have to say is STAAAAND BACK, PEOPLE." -- Sars]

After we dance and get more cold bevvies, we rejoin Creepy Cronenberg in the Dream Dugout. Kaya is thankfully nowhere to be seen. There's a knock at the door, and Cronenberg goes to answer it. Well, look who it is. Little Sarkie Poo. He introduces himself to Cronenberg by way of shooting him in the left leg. What, he can't shake hands like a normal person?

Diner of Long Lost Friends and Their Once-Dead Love Interests. Will's recounting what happened to him after Francie stabbed him. Namely, that he woke up in the bathtub, the place was on fire, he crawled out and woke up a few days later in a hospital. He's all, dude, the fact that I wasn't actually dating Francie, that it was her double instead? Yeah, I used to think that story was the crackerjack expo of all time. But yours? I think yours kinda tops it. Syd just looks at him and says, "She survived. Alison Doren. The woman you thought was Francie." Will's smile disappears. "She's working with a group called the Covenant. We think they're the group responsible for kidnapping me and setting the fire." Will looks like he just swallowed an iguana covered with hot sauce. He's all, dude? I used to think of myself as a pacifist, you know? But, um, now that I know that bitch is alive? Yeah. Fuck pacifism. Get me a gun and a compass and I'll hunt that fembot down and smoke her ass. Heh.

Syd's all, I wouldn't have come here if I didn't have to. Will's all, baby? I missed you the most! "You're like the most beautiful thing I've ever seen," he says. Aw. Missed you, Will! Missed you! Syd blah-blahs about Creepy Cronenberg and the box of St. Aidan Flakes. Will doesn't miss a beat. "St. Aidan was a contact of mine," he says. "When I was an analyst at the agency. Yeah. St. Aidan was his code name." Syd wants to know his real name. Will never knew it. Syd wants Will to put her in touch with this dude. Will's all, can't, baby. He'd only meet with me. You know, maybe I should contact him myself! I'll go in there! Syd's all, NO! Will's all, dude? I've been shoveling cement around construction sites for two years. Please please PLEASE let me go do some spy shit again! Syd finally relents and asks him what the protocol was for contacting St. Aidan.

We then see Will in a phone booth as he informs us in voice-over that he used to call an answering machine in Bucharest and dial a confirmation code. Then he'd hang up and wait for St. Aidan to call him back. The phone rings and Will picks up, asking the distinctly Russian voice on the other end to meet with him. The Russian voice tells him that Tuesday night will do -- 11 PM, at the same place they used to meet. Funny how two years have passed and yet there's no mention of "Hey, where ya been?" or "Now? You're calling me NOW? Yo, bitch! I coulda used some euros way back when. Thanks for nothin'!" Nope. Just business as usual in the informant-for-hire universe.

Dream Dugout, Now Known As Creepy Cronenberg's Corner of Pain. Cronenberg's laid out on the dream table, bleeding profusely from his wound. He's strapped down, and Sark has set him up with an IV drip. Sark wants to know what Sydney told him. Cronenberg mumbles his way through some dialogue. Sark slaps him. Heh. Cronenberg kind of laughs then tells Sark that the morphine he's set him up with is very good, just like the old days. Hee. Sark turns the drip down, eliciting begging from Cronenberg to turn it back up. Cronenberg spills the whole dream, including the Syd-on-Syd fight and Syd's revelation that Will was involved. He even tells Sark that Jack called witness protection. "Meaning Tippin's still alive," says Sark with a glimmer in his eye. "Meaning I could really use some more morphine…and some candy…and maybe a few strippers," says Cronenberg. Nice. Go ahead and give him more morphine, Sark. In fact, give him the whole damn bag. Goddamn blabbermouth. Wait. What're you doing with that switch, Sark? Oops. I was kind of only kidding, dude. Um. Buh-bye, Creepy Cronenberg.

Oops Center. Jack and Vaughn are trying to spin their tall tale about searching for Syd's prison captors. Penis Head is SO not buying any of this, even though Jack and Vaughn provide a very convincing paper trail. Penis Head just calmly stands up and blahs something about how Jack was once held by German intelligence in 1982 and how Jack managed to convince the Germans he wasn't an American, even though they held him for two weeks. Jack wisely sees through Penis Head's false niceties. "We are talking," he says, his voice dropping several octaves, "about the fate of my daughter." "Where do you think she is?" asks Penis Head, in this voice that suggests that he really knows where she is -- he just wants to see if Jack knows that he knows where she is. Or something. "Don't. Do. This," Jack grits. "Where do YOU think --" BAM! Jack slams Penis Head to the ground with a solid left hook before he can finish his sentence. Hee! Jack jumps all over Penis Head and other agents rush to intervene, including Vaughn. Hee hee hee. Penis Head orders Jack and Vaughn into custody, like NOW!

Warsaw. Yeah. I got nothing on this location. Syd and Will are standing on some random dock. Will's all, dude? Assuming St. Aidan shows, what in the hell am I supposed to say to him? Syd's all, tell him you've been given code six clearance and you want to hear about the Covenant. Then she hands him an earpiece. "Last chance to bail out," she says. "What're you, kidding me?" he says. "I love this stuff." Heh. We love you, Will! Love you! Will goes to get into position as Syd pulls up the antenna on her listening device.

Oops Center. Marshall and Penis Head are kibitzing as they walk down the hall. Marshall informs Penis Head that the person from the Covenant who contacted them was using a voice identification scrambler device, making it impossible to identify the voice of the caller. Penis Head's all, so, like, what? You're telling me you got nothing? There's no way to verify that it was the Covenant making the demands? Marshall bloogles something about how the fact that they know nothing means it probably was the Covenant because the Covenant does stuff like oh for Christ's sweet sake, I have no idea what he's talking about and I don't really care because we're only about twenty minutes away from Syd and Will sex and I really want to get on with this, like, NOW. Marshall stops Penis Head before he walks away and asks him if Sydney's going to be okay. The shit that comes out of Penis Head's mouth at this point is so abhorrent that I'm not even going to recap it. Suffice it to say, Penis Head is one big fat lying sack of cow dung. And the fact that he's lying to our mascot Marshall is really, REALLY disgusting. I can't wait for him to die.

Back in Warsaw, Will's waiting for his meet 'n' greet. St. Aidan's late, however, by about an hour and ten minutes. Syd wants to know if he's always this late. Will thinks they might have been blown off. Just then, a thick Russian voice says, "Mr. Tippin?" Will turns. Syd uses her scope and sees Lazawewillwewillrockyou walking calmly toward Will. His hand is missing, and Will asks what happened to it. Um, it's not there, Will. That's what's wrong with it. For some bizarre reason, Syd just now notices that it's Lazarakillingmesoftly and says so out loud. Yeah. I thought she got it in the beginning, but whatever. LazaraIamthewalrus just says that he wouldn't have come at all, but he could really use the cash right about now. Will's all, yeah, we'll see what we can do about that, buddy. Oh, and I've been given code six clearance, so feel free to talk to me about anything. Anything at all. You know, whatever strikes your fancy. Like, um, the Covenant perhaps?

Lazarakajagoogoo is all, dude? Why are you asking me about the Covenant? What makes you think I'd even know anything about them? Huh? I cannot talk about Covenant. At all. Ever. Infinity. He turns to walk away. Syd gets on the horn and tells Will to tell Lazaradevilinside that Julia Thorne sent him. This stops Lazaunionofthesnake cold. He turns. "No. I don't believe you," he breathes. He turns to go again and Syd tells Will to yell out the name "Lazarey." Will does so. Lazaridingincarswithboys turns back. Syd barks out instructions to Will and he follows them, telling Lazapocalypsenow that Julia Thorne told him to come and see him; she needs to see him and she trusts him, but she's in danger. Lazaraninetofive asks if they found "it." Syd doesn't know what he's talking about. "Have they been to Graz?" Lazarasixteencandles asks. "I need to know if --" Suddenly a van peels up and someone shoots Lazarait'smyturn in the neck with a dart. Syd tells Will to get the hell outta there. He does. Syd sees that it's Sark who shot at Lazarunmarriedwoman and she runs forward, shooting at Sark all the way. Will runs off and finds cover somewhere else on the dock. He's about to move away when a car peels up and Syd goes, "Will!" Will ducks as Syd pulls out her gun and shoots at Sark, who's directly behind Will. Will gets into the car and they skid off, leaving Sark behind looking none too pleased with current circumstances.

Warsaw Safe House. Must be one of Spy Daddy's extra-super-secret safe houses, because the CIA ain't involved in this little side excursion. Really. Where does he get those wonderful toys? And extra warehouses. And safe houses. And PLANES. Syd and Will are hanging out, going over the evening's activities and what they all meant. Pretty much, Syd can't make sense of the whole thing while drinking vodka and Will can't offer any answers while drinking vodka. Did I mention the vodka? The vodka, if you don't know already, kind of plays an important part in an upcoming scene. Syd's concerned that Lazarappletartwithicecream was hit with a tranq dart instead of a bullet; obviously someone wants him alive for a reason. "He asked if 'they' got it," says Syd, taking another slug off her glass of vodka. "So whatever's going on, there's a thing." Yeah, Syd. There's a "thing." Way to let the vodka do the talking. Will's all, yeah, and there's someone else trying to find it, right? "Things really don't get any more vague than that, do they?" he says. Heh. Welcome to Alias, buddy.

"It's Sloane," says Syd. "It's obviously Sloane." Oh, Jesus. Will you let it GO already? Not EVERYTHING is SLOANE. Will's all, dude? You've been going over all this shit since time began, okay? Take a break already! "You'll figure it out," he says, taking a slug off his own glass of vodka. "What makes you say that?" says Syd. Um, because you can break into a high security area using only a hairclip and a smile? Because you routinely avoid death in situations that most Navy SEALS would face and go, "Uh, yeah, I'm gonna take the death on this round, Alec." "Because you're you," says Will. Syd just smiles at him all, yeah, I know. I'm like MacGyver with breasts. Thanks, Will! I missed you! So did we all, honey. So did we all.

Random Highway of Prisoner Transportation. Jack and Vaughn are sharing a not-so-comfy ride to prison together. Vaughn's all, you know, not to lessen my standing in your eyes as a pretty good guy or anything, but do you really think punching Penis Head in the face was a GOOD IDEA? Jack's all, oh, please. I could've done worse. I could have called his wife pretending to be his male lover and told her I had herpes and let the chips fall where they may, okay? As it was, with the questions that total tool was asking, I knew it was inevitable that we'd wind up like this. So shut up before I start disliking you again. Vaughn's all, we shouldn't have let Sydney go. Or should have let Sydney go. I really don't know, because he's mumbling and for some reason my closed captioning isn't working AT ALL.

Jack tells Vaughn that Sydney can no longer be his primary concern. Vaughn's all, and what the hell does THAT mean? Jack's all, oh, don't get petty with me, boy. I have something important to say, and you're gonna listen. Of course, you kind of HAVE to listen because you're strapped to that bench across from me, but even if you weren't, I'd MAKE you listen. "The fact is," Jack grits, "you and I have something in common. We've both suffered through the death of the woman we loved, only to discover she was still alive. I know it's hard. But this isn't about you. And I will not allow my daughter to become…your mistress." Oh, that is SUCH a burn. Heh. Heh heh. I love it when Spy Daddy's kind of unethical when dealing with his little girl. Like, if my father ever gave a speech like that to one of my boyfriends? I'd be force-feeding him bloody veal shanks for breakfast. But coming from Spy Daddy? It's sort of endearing.

Vaughn kind of looks down at the floor, considering his answer, then looks up and says, "If that's where you think my concern for Sydney is headed, then you are even more cynical than I thought." Jack's all, oh, save it, Agent Amorous. I saw you making out in the Dream Dugout and all I can say is, you weren't thinking TWICE about little wifey-poo while you were swapping spit with my precious pride and joy, okay? "If lighting strikes, Mr. Vaughn, and you and I are allowed to walk free again," spits Jack, "if you care about my daughter, as you claim to, then push her away. Be cruel, if you have to. Make her despise you." Vaughn's grows what appears to be his four thousandth forehead wrinkle as he looks at Jack, understanding just what he's saying. "Because your kindness," Jack continues, "tortures her. I can see it. What it does to her. And I won't have it." Vaughn continues cultivating more forehead wrinkles as he looks off at the floor of the van, wondering if he killed his wife and dumped the body, would Jack let him have full access of his daughter's body of work?

Warsaw Safe House of Soon-To-Be Best Friend Sex. Hee. Peggy Lee sings "Fever" over the soundtrack as Will, leaning against the bed, hangs onto the remaining bottle of vodka and says, "You. And Vaughn's wife. Work together. Okay, how the hell did THAT happen?" Hee. Sydney, lying on the floor with her head in Will's lap, diverts the conversation to Will. They're both obviously enjoying the vodka and very drunk right now. Speaking of which, Julio? Julio! Bring Mommy more vodka. Or whatever alcohol we have on hand. Mommy wants to be as drunk as the main characters when they embark on their sexual relationship, because Mommy's boyfriend is off trying to win an Oscar and she needs all the sexual entertainment she can get.

Mmm…vodka. So Syd wants to know why Will hasn't asked out some beautiful painter who lives in his building. Will says that his witness protection alter ego Jonah is recovering from post-traumatic dating syndrome. Oh, that. I've had that for YEARS. "After his last girlfriend dumped him by ramming a bayonet into his lungs," slurs Will. Hee. Will wants to go back to Syd's life. "Okay? You and Vaughn's wife…" he says. "Yeah. I hate her," says Syd, smiling. Hee. So do we all, Syd. So do we all. "I mean, I don't," slurs Syd. "She's nice." "Yeah," slurs Will. "Yeah," slurs Syd. Hee. I love Drunk Will and Drunk Syd. They're so silly. And yet another indication of how lovely it would be to have Will back in the picture. The last time we got Drunk Syd was when she was doing tequila shots with Agent Sean. We need more Drunk Syd! Or maybe I just need to be more drunk. Julio!

They both laugh, and Will says it's okay, like he understands. As do we all, Will. As do we all. "But not cuzza her," slurs Syd. "Iss jus…I still love him." Aw. "God," says Will. "That sucks." Yes, yes it does, Will. Hee. Syd sort of sits up and says that, considering everything she's been through, she's pretty damn normal. Heh. According to WHOM? "I'm emotional," she says, getting, of course, emotional. "I try to be honest. But I've…I've never been a depressed person." Okay, that is just hilarious. YOU CRY ALL THE TIME. I'd say that's the first sign of overall depression. Of course, I cry at Hallmark commercials, so I'm really not a good judge of this. Will just listens drunkenly, which is his primary role at this point in time. Syd's all, I've never been a depressed person…until now. Will's all, I get it, sweetie. Can we make out now? Syd's all, not yet. I have to talk about the Lost Years for a second. She says that nothing's felt the same this year, and it ain't just Vaughn that's making it weird; it's the lack of Will and of Francie and of the (almost) normal life she had so long ago.

So, Lazarey was a Russian lackey, basically, but he also happens to be a Romanov. He goes on to say that his being a Romanov by blood is one of the reasons he staged his death. To give Sark the inheritance that is rightfully his. Sark's all, oh, yeah, nice spin, Daddy. You should know that the money you earmarked for my affections is now being gainfully used by my employer, The Covenant. "Julian," says Lazarey, "the Covenant…they are…true evil…" Julian's not interested in the Covenant, however. He's only interested in Will and what Lazarey said to him. "Huh," says Sark Daddy. "Patetic." And, yes, the misspelling is intentional. Sark Daddy kind of looks away from his son, as if he's too disgusted to even acknowledge Julian as his own blood. Julian looks at his father, the expression on his face all, "Oh, 'patetic,' am I? We'll just see about that." Sark picks up a mini blowtorch and tells his father that he'll give him a minute to remember exactly what he said to Will. Lazarey doesn't respond. "I'll ask you one more time," says Sark, brandishing the blowtorch, "what exactly did you tell the man you were meeting with?" "You wouldn't do something like zis," says Lazarey. "Not to your own fazzer?" Sark then holds the blowtorch directly to his fazzer's face. We hear his screams. Aw. Too bad, Lazarey. Your son doesn't hold you in high enough esteem to save you from the mini blowtorch. Shocker. Go physically abuse some other family members and see how THEY react.

Moscow Safe House of Already Done It Best Friend Sex. Syd's lying in Will's arms and suddenly she goes, "Oh my God." Will's all, "I know it's weird. I've been waiting to do that for, like, eight years." Heh. So have we all, Will. So have we all. Syd suddenly gets up out of bed and puts on her pants and is all, no, what you said about me before! About me being, you know, "me." Will's all, dude? I don't remember, okay? Could you just come back to bed? Syd's all, Lazarey asked if "they" have it and if "they" had been to Graz. "Whatever it was that was hidden, whatever he was talking about," says Syd, "I obviously had it. I must have had it. In Graz." Will just kind of lies back in bed, wondering why Syd isn't interested in a repeat performance of the Best Friend Sex they just had.

Syd sits down in front of her laptop, ignoring the fact that there's a hot naked guy in her bed. "Whatever I did, if it was me," says Syd, "the choices I made were my choices." Will catches on and is all, oh, yeah, if you had something to hide today, where would you hide it? Syd's all, you got it, non-boyfriend. You got it. Syd's computer screen comes up. Syd's all, let's assume for a second that it's information, data, something that has to be stored. Will's all, well, if it's something small, it could be hidden anywhere. Syd just looks at him. "Somewhere safe," she says. Will says that when Lazarey spoke, back at the meet, it didn't sound like it was someplace safe. Syd's all, I am WAY ahead of you; I'm thinking bank safety deposit box or hotel. Will's all, wait. What? How come? Syd's all, because that's where I'd put it, non-boyfriend. That's where I'd put it. I honestly have no idea what's going on here, and I'm too bothered by the fact that neither of them are licking each other's sternums to really pay attention to anything that's happening.

Syd looks at her computer screen. A bunch of hotels come up. "Where would I hide something?" she asks herself. "Wait a second." She clicks on Das Hotel Verlustzeit for some reason. Will's all, what? "Hotel Verlustzeit," says Syd. Gesundheit. And then we quickly change to Francinator, smoking a cigarette, looking extremely delicious while she waits for her man. Sark appears momentarily, wiping what looks like blood from his left hand. "We're going to Graz," he says as he passes Francinator. "Hotel Verlustzeit." Francinator tosses her cigarette to the ground and follows him. Looks like Sark Daddy submitted readily to the mini blowtorch and offered up the goods on Spy Barbie.

Graz. Man. You know what I love about this show? I mean, beyond the Spy Family dynamics and the Syd/Vaughn interactions? I love that it makes me look up "Graz" on Google. I know. It's a simple pleasure, but it's one I truly enjoy. Shit. I've had to look up more cities, more words, more DEVICES, than any recapper should ever have to (barring Sobell, because dudes? I don't envy her damn job), and I goddamn love it. Oh, Graz. You have so much to offer. Except an ENGLISH-SPEAKING SITE. So, unless I learn German in the few seconds, I have nothing humorous to offer about Graz. I don't even know where in the hell Graz IS.

Well, apparently, Graz is the center point of all that is rock and all that is roll because in the Hotel Verlustzeit in Graz, there are several people wearing fur, many chicks sporting crotch-revealing mini-skirts, plenty of guys playing guitars for no reason, and men who think that wearing sunglasses indoors is COOL. Syd and Will enter, Syd sporting an awfully bizarre pink and black wig with accompanying pink and black ensemble, and Will sporting an equally bizarre cowboy hat and a sort of rattlesnake jacket and pant ensemble. Will hands off an empty beer bottle to a passing waiter, and he and Syd head to the check-in desk. The concierge is all, checking in, are we? Will, in a fantabulous rock star Brit accent, goes, "Yeah, 'course. I'm here. She's here. We made it." The concierge is like, um, and you are? "We're the big thang," says Syd, in her own version of a rock star Brit accent. Will just sort of smacks his gum in the concierge's face and grins. Heh.

Once in the room, Syd and Will try to act like rock stars, and the bellboy who's showed them up tries to act like they're important by pointing out all the amenities of the room and the hotel. He is SO hoping for a good tip. Syd performs a little "look at my ass" routine on the bed that should really let Bellboy understand that this is a rock 'n' roll room and therefore he should get out, like, NOW. Will falls down on a sofa at the end of the bed and Bellboy asks if there's anything else he can get for them. Will just barely looks up and goes, "Yeah, thank you for asking. You know, you're a lovely li'l man, isn't he?" Bellboy thanks him. "Sweetheart, um. Two bottles?" Syd's all, two bottles of what? Will's all, champagne. Four? Two? "One's good," says Syd. "One," says Will, rolling off his perch and launching himself at Bellboy. "We'll need four bottles of champagne," says Will in his spot-on Rock Star Brit Accent. Melissa George really should pay attention during this episode. For more reasons than one. "And I'm gonna tip you like I've ordered five," says Brit Will, all manhandling Bellboy. Heh. Will's all, you know wot Ah mean? You do, don' you, you cheeky li'l bastard! Poor Bellboy's all, yeah, I know what you mean. And stop slapping me on the face like that. Bellboy goes to leave, and Will's still smacking him around in a gently humorous fashion. Syd recognizes a rogue agent when she sees one and heads on over.

She glares at Will as she shuts the door behind Bellboy. He's all, whuh? Whuh? What'd I do? Come on! If we're gonna do this, we have to be real about it! Heh. Syd opens the room door and looks out, looking for, um, stormtroopers? I don't know. Because they're not on a known assignment, right? What in the HELL is she looking for? She makes sure the "Do Not Disturb" sign is on the outside of the door and then tells Will he was a bit over the top. Will's all, dude? How many chances do I get to BE OVER THE TOP? Huh? "I'm wearing seat coverings," he says, "there is no 'over the top.'" Heh. He opens up a guitar case and removes the guitar, revealing a laptop. Syd grabs some device and heads to the widescreen TV. "Plus, I like champagne," he says. "You keep forgetting, I live in Wisconsin now. This is the only chance I have to do something cooler than tipping cows or buying underage kids booze! I'm not squandering this!"

"Call up the onscreen checkout," says Syd, brandishing the remote control and handing it to Will. She continues to do something funky behind the TV. Will presses a button, and the onscreen checkout comes onscreen. He's all, you have to admit, my accent was pretty good. Oh, Will. Your accent was perfect. Melissa? You hearing this? "It was, like, early Stones," says Will. "I thought it was Australian," says Syd. Shout-out? I think we'll take it as such. Will's all, are you kidding? Then he repeats several phrases he spoke while being Rock Star Will that, actually, make him sound like a tool. Sigh. Will picks English from the onscreen checkout menu and goes through the motions as Syd futzes some more with the TV. Syd comes out, grabs her laptop from Will, and parks it on the sofa.

Syd wants to get past the hotel firewalls and see if she was ever in Graz. As her perky pink and black hair goes out for a second cosmo and a cigarette, Syd uses her laptop to hack into the hotel reservation system and find her alter ego, Julia. Will's all, what're we looking for? Syd's all, long-term storage contracts. People who've stored stuff at the hotel for a long period of time. A list flies past the computer screen. Syd finds "Julia Thorne" in a matter of seconds. "Unbelievable," says Will. Oh, Will. You've been away from Alias for too damn long. This isn't unbelievable! It's apropos! Julia Thorne's treasure can be found in Box 23. Syd's all, let's see if they have a floor plan online. Will's all, what if they don't? Oh, Will. Again. Have you learned NOTHING from being in Alias-world? Of COURSE they have a floor plan online! "Think positively," says Syd, as the floor plan comes up on the screen. She's all, subbasement, just past the northeast quarter. Will's all, what about security? He grabs something from the guitar case. Syd's all, I'm almost done with these surveillance cameras, let's move. She closes her laptop. Heh.

Will and Syd exit their hotel room looking extremely hot, both of them, and they walk down a hallway toward a big green door. Will puts something up against the door lock and SHOCKER, it unlocks. That's probably Marshall's doing. Will finds some door that he deems "spy-worthy" and signals Syd. She pulls out a lipstick and runs it along the steel door, creating a red square. Then she tells Will to stand back and sprays something along the lines of the square she's just created. Suddenly, there's the image of a flame crawling along the lipstick trail Syd has left. Syd steps back. Once she does, a rather large rectangle opens up and the steel piece falls down to the floor.

Syd moves forward, seeing a small octagonal box in the space that the fallen steel piece has revealed. She goes to reach for it. Will wants to know what it is. Too bad someone tugs it away before either of them can discover its true nature. A magnet at the back of the vault has the octagonal box. The magnet pulls away and it's Sark, looking at Syd through an obviously blasted-open hole. He winks at her and moves away. Hello. St. Aidan's Flakes, anyone? Syd's all, Sark's got it! She and Will move off, back to the hall from whence they came. Will's all, go! Syd's all, you're not trained! Will's all, dude? Seriously? I slept with a CLONE for, like, six months! Do you think I wouldn't have learned how to handle "situations" like this in that time? Come ON! "Go!" he says, and Syd believes him. She runs in the opposite direction.

Will plunges through some doors, his gun held low. He checks behind him -- no one's coming. Too bad Francinator shoves a room service cart in front of him. Will bails, ass over elbows, his gun skidding to the side. Will goes to reach for the gun, but Francinator steps up. "I guess we have unfinished business," she says, kicking him in the gut. Back with Sark, he's running like he's never run before. And Syd's chasing like she's never chased before. Especially considering that she's wearing that hideous pink and black getup that practically reveals her innermost Syd, if you know what I mean. Back with Will and Francinator, Francinator's kicking Will's ASS. Punches are being thrown, kicks are being tossed -- it's not looking good for our Willage. Then, a miracle happens. Will develops balls. And not just any balls, but karate-kicking balls. He punches the shit out of Francinator and then delivers a sound tae-bo roundhouse kick. Francinator takes the hits well, then picks up a steak knife from another room service cart and brandishes it at Will. Back with Sark, he's running for some exit doors. Syd kicks a door and slams Sark back to the reality that Syd is taking his prize. When Sark tries to move, Syd just slams Sark in the face and makes him go beddy-bye for a wee bit.

Back with The Vengeful Lover and his Freaky Double Girlfriend, Francinator's just delivered a kick to the head that would put most men down. But not Will. He grabs a fluorescent light from above and slams it into her face. Then he shoves her up against a wall. They fight over the knife she has. Finally, it turns in Francinator's direction. "This is for Francie," says Will, as he shoves the knife into Francinator's chest. We actually hear the blood spilling down onto the floor as Francinator falls. Niiice, Foley dudes. Niiiice.

Back at Syd and The Octagonal Box of Hope and Information, Syd finally grabs the box and moves away from Sark. Instead, Will, who has just killed someone for the very first time, is having one of those "I really wish I could talk to someone who understands what this feels like" moments. Luckily, Syd walks up. She's without commiseration, unfortunately, because, like, she and Will? Have to get the hell outta there, pronto. Will, almost stunned stupid by his murder of the woman who duplicated his girlfriend for so many months, can't really comprehend what Syd's asking. Finally, Syd's plea reaches his ears. He drops the knife, and they run off.

Then we're with Sloane, and he's wearing one of his weird headpieces that suggests he has constant connection with the world through his wireless cell phone. That just doesn't seem right to me. Syd calls him and tells him she's ready for the exchange; just set the time and place with Penis Head. Sloane, swirling a very nice vino in his glass is all, oh, but Penis Head's taken your father and Vaughn into custody, didn't you know? Dixon is in custody as well. Syd, sitting in what looks like the Batmobile, looks completely surprised and looks at Will, who's driving. Sloane tells her that they need to proceed with the exchange as planned, so that Penis Head will believe she was taken by the Covenant. Basically, Sloane says that the Rambaldi device is being delivered in San Pedro and he's hired a team to pick it up; they'll appear to be working for the Covenant. "As soon as they've left the area," says Sloane, "you're to drive yourself to Wolensny." Yeah, I have no idea. No captions means NO IDEA.

Syd's all, dude? You were never ending up with the Rambaldi device. I'll make sure of that. I want it taken directly to the parking lot at Hill Street and Ninth. Oh, and I want the van to remain visible at all times, okay? And no one is to enter or exit the vehicle. "Sydney," says Sloane, sucking down his premium red, "you have my word." "That's a relief," says Syd, clearly not at ease with Sloane's statements.

The thing we see is Agent Sean, walking through Oops Center. His phone is ringing. He picks up. "Weiss," he says, obviously unaware that we all refer to him as Agent Sean. Syd just tells him that she needs a favor. Sean's all, dude? Where are you? Syd's all, dude? Tell no one about this call. And that Rambaldi device? It's actually going to Sloane. Keep an eye on him, dude. From a short distance, or a long one. Including satellites, okay? Agent Sean's on it. "I don't know what the hell you're up to, but good luck," says Agent Sean.

Hell-Lay. We're down by the docks. Penis Head gets out of his car and checks on his walkie-talkie as to the status of the Rambaldi device. Someone on the other end informs him that the Covenant has taken position around the device. Or something. Again, NO IDEA. Then we see a couple of guys loading a crate onto a truck. Back in Oops Center, Agent Sean is watching the activity on his monitor. He tells Syd that the "package" is in sight. Syd, in her car, copies that and tells Sean to follow the van to the rendezvous point; anything unusual, he'll let her know, right? RIGHT? Syd tells Agent Sean that she's heading toward Penis Head and to wish her luck. Meanwhile, over with Penis Head, someone's informing him that Agent Bristow is heading his way. Yeah. This would be the moment we're ALL wondering about. Is Sydney going to DIE? Yeah. I wouldn't bet on it, okay? Remember that thing on the bench where Sloane didn't mention her name? Yeah. Hold tight, chilrun, cuz this is one of those "What the FUCK?" moments.

A car pulls up. Syd gets out. She moves over to Penis Head. The shooter, Hot Guy, looks down upon them from behind his sniper's rifle. Syd walks up and faces Penis Head, in all his un-glory. Hot Guy takes aim. First, Syd's in his sights. "On behalf of the U.S. Government, I want to say, how relieved I am at your safe return," says Penis Head. Oh. Okay. If that alone weren't reason enough to NOT TRUST HIM. Syd just stands there. Hot Guy takes aim. A red circle appears on Penis Head's chest. Heh. Syd realizes that someone has Penis Head in their sights. She looks behind her all, dude! No! You can't! Oh, but they can. And do. And goodbye, Penis Head. We knew you well, but we sure as hell didn't like you.

Syd goes to Penis Head, looking to help him in some way, I guess. The rest of the NSC boys go in search of the assassin, who we're all calling "best boyfriend EVER" right about now. The thing we see is a dark alley somewhere and a car squealing up. Sloane's hanging out the open bay of a big truck. He moves forward. Syd gets out of the car and slings forward. "You murdered [Penis Head]," she spits. Sloane's all, oh, yeah, I have NO idea what you're talking about. Syd's all, yeah, where have I heard that before? She runs to the truck and rips open the crate that supposedly houses the Rambaldi device. Inside, she finds useless clanky parts.

Syd looks at Sloane. He's all, dude? I did everything that you asked. I followed protocol precisely. Syd's all, dude? This was your endgame! The whole time! Yeah. Clanky parts was his endgame. The whole time. Whatever, Sydney. Sloane's all, oh, sure, go on blaming me! I'm used to it! Or, if you want a different tack, you can accept the truth! Syd's all, and that is? PENIS HEAD, says Sloane. He was the deceiver, not me. Penis Head never gave us the Rambaldi device! "It was a setup," says Sloane. Syd jumps down from the truck bay and steps up to Sloane. "I don't know how you did this," she says, "but you're not gonna get away with it." "I don't know what you're talking about," says Sloane convincingly. Syd just stares at him like she knows what he's all about, and he just looks back at her like, girl? You have NO idea.

Oops Center. Syd slo-mos through the place. She comes upon Dixon, handing out orders to his subordinates. She avoids dealing with him and heads over to her ex-boyfriend and her father. She's all, oh, isn't everything falling back into place? We're all, um, they were in a truck and NOW THEY'RE FREE? Yeah. I'd like a little video backup on this, okay? But Syd looks at Vaughn and says, "Thank you, by the way, for everything." Vaughn just half looks at her and goes, "Yeah. Whatever. I have to ignore you now or your father's going to beat me to a pulp. So. Later! I have to go meet my wife, who hasn't been present during this entire damn episode!" Jack looks after Vaughn's retreating back with something akin to…dare we say it…approval. Syd looks confusedly after Vaughn, but quickly gathers her senses.

Marshall's Moment In The Sun. Look. Far be it for me to remove any glory that might flit Marshall's way. And this? This is his supreme moment. He's pulling something out of the octagonal shell and showing it to Spy Daddy and Spy Barbie. They're all, dude? What in the HELL is that? Marshall's all, it's what was inside the box and it's…wait for it…human tissue! And it's vital. Still active. Which, actually, is kinda gross. Syd looks at it like it's a caramel-covered apple and she has only to lean forward and chomp on it. Marshall speaks up and says there was a name etched inside the box in which the tissue was found. "Milo Rambaldi," he says. Jack looks shocked. Syd looks peeved. We, the collective audience, look totally enamored with ourselves when we realize that we figured out this shit AGES AGO.

So, Will's heading down a hallway, talking to some CIA guy. Syd calls out to him and walks over. "I've been looking for you," she says. "You feelin' all right?" Will's all, yeah. I feel all right. I mean, other than that I met my ex-girlfriend and dumped her ass with a stiletto, yeah. I'm feelin' fine. He waxes empathetic about how killing Francinator didn't feel like he thought it would and how it doesn't make everything okay. Syd's all, dude? The Covenant knows you're still alive. You might want to move to, um, Moose Jaw or something. Will's all, nah. I'm ready for 'em, if they come. "I dunno," he says, "maybe when I get back, I'll ask out that painter." Syd just Mona Lisas at him. Will declares that they're going to see each other again. Syd has nothing to say, so she just hugs him. They pull away from each other. "Love you," says Will. "You too," says Syd. Will goes off. "Will," says Syd, stopping him. "We never talked about that…" Will totally knows what she's on about. "Yeah," he says, smiling wistfully. "I kinda liked that." Syd smiles brightly in response. Will walks away, and Syd has that moment of, man, did I do something wrong? Or did I do something so very, very right? I'd go with the latter, sister. And I hope you recorded it on high-quality DVD.