After last week's harrowing rescue, Syd's catching a few z's. When she wakes up and takes a look around, it would appear that she's in what looks like a makeshift Army barracks, but it's probably just another of Spy Daddy's reserve warehouses of extra bedding and sample-sized hotel shampoos. She dons her prison garb and walks out of the barracks and across a sunlit alley into another warehouse. Damn, Spy Daddy has a lot of reserve warehouses. Someone should get in contact with him and throw a wicked rave on New Year's Eve.
When she enters the second warehouse, Sydney sees the Syd Rescue Team gathered around a table, discussing strategy. Uncle Arvin's the first to notice her. Spy Daddy sees Sloane look up and follows his gaze to Syd. He gets up and crosses to her. "Sweetheart," Spy Daddy says quietly, "you're okay." Aw. Awwww. I mean, AW. Syd just quietly smiles at him, and he brings her over to the table. Vaughn and Sloane stand, and Syd just blatantly glares at Uncle Arvin. Watch it, honey. That man just saved your life. Jack says as much. Syd's all, oh ho ho! So I suppose I owe you a thank-you, huh? Sloane's all, baby? As long as you're alive, you'll never owe me a thing. Syd deflects this rather overdone statement and just acknowledges that she was speaking to everyone else as well. "Breaking me out of that facility was dangerous and selfless," Syd says, looking around. "Thank you." She looks at Lauren in particular. "All of you." Lauren just looks down at her hands.
Vaughn pipes up that, at the moment, they're all fugitives, but that they're working on a plan to frame the Covenant for Syd's extraction. Syd's all, yeah, yeah, yeah, but have you mapped the coordinates that Head found in the Rome apartment? Jack's all, yeah, and they point to some spot near the San Andreas fault, about an hour from Incredibly Useful Warehouse #2. Jack surmises that if there's something waiting for them, it'll most likely be buried, and that he's gonna go check it out. In the meantime, Sloane's got a lead that might help them retrieve Syd's Lost Years. Syd looks over at Sloane, expecting him to be sporting red horns, a black goatee, and a spiky red tail. Instead, he just calmly informs her that he knows this guy who knows this experimental procedure that's a non-invasive therapy for treating long-term severe amnesia. Syd's all, oh ho ho! If this shit works, then why didn't you tell me before? Sloane's all, well, before now, I didn't really think you'd accept any help from me, yeah? I mean, we're not exactly on friendly terms, now are we? And I'm not close enough right now to touch you inappropriately, so I'm just gonna walk off in pursuit of that non-invasive therapy dude. Syd turns to Jack, all, I wanna go search for buried treasure. Jack's all, you should rest. Syd's all, dude? I was resting for TWO YEARS, okay? Now, let's go dig some sand!
Jack resignedly walks off and Lauren stands. "So, I was an idiot," she says. "Was"? Lauren goes on to blah blah about how Vaughn tried to warn her about Head and how she didn't listen and how she just follows the rules and, yeah, I feel sorry for her and all, but shut up already and let's get to the non-invasive therapy, okay? Jack saves us from anymore Lauren-speak by telling Syd that he and she should hit the road. Syd and Lauren share a smile and then Syd walks over to her father. He's all, you told me on the chopper that you gave Head some false coordinates. What were they? Syd's all, I have no idea. Somewhere in Simi Valley?
We cut quickly to Circus Liquors in Simi Valley, where dozens of cops and SWAT guys are pulling up and unloading with guns in tow. Hee. Over in Oops Center, Head's phone rings and he picks up. The voice on the other end informs him that the location is a liquor store and that it's clean. Head's all, CHECK IT AGAIN! The voice is all, dude? It's a fucking LIQUOR STORE. I think we've been played and the boys and I are gonna pick up a couple forties and hit the bowling alley. Head's all, DON'T TELL ME WE'VE BEEN PLAYED WHEN I SAY CHECK IT AGAIN I MEAN IT EVEN THOUGH I'M A BIG PENIS HEAD WHO HAS NO RIGHT TO LIVE!
San Andreas Fault of Buried Treasure. A car pulls up, and Jack and Syd get out and good holy GOD what is ON Victor Garber's head? I mean, I realize he's in the desert and everything, but wouldn't a baseball cap have sufficed? He looks like a Japanese gardener over here! Anyway, he and Syd grab their gear, including a metal detector, and head over to the coordinates. Syd's all, what if what we're looking for ain't metal? "Then we're screwed," says Jack, not without some humor. "Not an unfamiliar situation." Heh. Syd turns on the metal detector and it starts beeping.
As they walk up some hills, Jack tries to convince Syd that Sloane might just be on the up and up by telling her that Sloane jumped in front of a bullet to save Jack's life. Syd's all, dude? The man KILLED MY FIANCÉ, okay? I don't trust him and I can't believe you don't feel the same. Jack's all, hey, leave my feelings outta this okay? First of all, I only have two feelings: love for you and hatred for anyone else who gets in the way of that love. Second of all, since Sloane conspired with us to deceive the NSC, he's given us all the ammunition we'd ever need to invalidate his pardon agreement. So, like, he's in our pocket, so to speak. "He's put his life in our hands," Jack says as they reach the crest of a hill. "And as far as breaking you out, yours was in his." Syd's too busy listening to the metal detector beep off the charts to pay attention. They both start digging.
Random Park of Eventual Dixon Detention. Dix and his son are playing a little toss-n-catch while his daughter watches. "Nice catch, Steven!" Dixon's daughter says as her brother miffs a catch. "Hey, Robin," Daddy Dix warns good-naturedly. Just as he does this, he sees what's obviously a government car pull up across the way. A couple of suits get out and rush toward them. Dix beckons his kids to come close as another pair of suits comes at them from an opposite direction. The suits -- FBI agents really -- arrest Dix for conspiracy to impede a federal investigation. Dix is all, Head is gonna ROLL for this! The feds take Dix into custody right then and there, in front of his kids. Man, they suck.
Back in the desert, Syd and Jack uncover a metal box. Jack wants to know if the box is familiar to Syd, but she says it isn't. Jack cracks open the box and kind of looks up in disgust. Syd breathes heavily. And then we see why they're acting like this: a hand. A severed human hand. In the box. A SEVERED HUMAN HAND IN THE BOX. And on it? I mean, besides the beetles and maggots? A Rambaldi eye symbol. Just in case we miss it from far away, Ken Olin zooms in not once, BUT TWICE. Dude. Ken. I liked you better when you were angsting about house rehabbing and diapers on thirtysomething, okay? Now stop eyeballing that nasty piece of dead meat and get on with the credits, STAT.
And now is the time on Alias when we -- wait, WHAT? No dance? No Alias dance? I just...last week it came in at a different time and now NOTHING? I don't. I just. What will I do? "Whatsa mattah, baby?" says Sammy Rock, clad in a rather incongruous teddy bear costume with his butt hanging out. "I just...no music! There's no MUSIC! I can't...I can't breathe!" "Hang on, baby," he says, shuffling off. Just then, from the living room, I hear my favorite Alias opening music. Aw. Sammy Rock. You popped in the Season 1 DVD. You are the best boyfriend EVER. And now is the time on Alias when we dance!
And now is the time on Alias when we EW! A hand! A severed human hand! Gah. Like good little prospectors, Syd and Jack bring the hand back to Incredibly Useful Warehouse #2 for everyone else to gag over. Syd doesn't know if she buried it herself, or if it was left for her to find. Lauren's all, and that symbol? What's it mean? Sloane enlightens her: "It signifies membership in the Magnific Order of Rambaldi. Whoever that person was, he made a vow to safeguard Rambaldi's prophecies." Jack tells Lauren that, when she gets back to Oops Center, she should have Marshall run a DNA test on the hand. Lauren's all, you got it. Syd's all, what's yer alibi? Lauren's all, I'll just go on into Head's office and tell him that I was abducted by the Covenant and that you're still being held hostage. Syd's all, and what are we saying they want in exchange? Sloane's all, hey, I have an idea! What about the Rambaldi device? Syd's all, oh ho ho! Yeah. Because you'd totally DIG that, wouldn't you? Sloane's all, you know what? I'm getting sick and tired of your goddamn paranoia. Think about it. If that damn thing was so valuable to me, why'd I let it go? Syd's all, um, for your freedom? You traded it for your pardon and here's your chance to get it back. And I still think you're a vicious snake, in case I hadn't made that clear so far. Jack's all, honey? Sweetie? It is something the CIA might believe the Covenant would take in exchange for you and, like, once we make the exchange, the device will be destroyed and no one will have it. That sound okay to you, Princess Paranoia? Sloane pipes up that he'll contact Head and confirm that his sources tell him the Covenant was responsible for Syd's breakout. And as soon as he hears from his non-invasive therapy doctor dude, he'll let her know. Syd looks over at Vaughn. "What about you?" she asks in sort of a challenging tone. Vaughn steps up admirably and states that he and Jack are telling the CIA that they were looking into Syd's disappearance and that Vaughn is in the process now of setting up a paper trail.
"There's something else that's just occurred to me," says Lauren. "If [Head's] to believe I was being held by the Covenant, there needs to be some evidence of my mistreatment." Vaughn just goes, "No." Oh, he is SO unconvincing there. Like, say, "Absolutely not!" Or, "Lauren, you don't have to DO THAT!" But not just, "No." And not even with an exclamation point. Dude. You so want to hit her yourself. I know I do. Jack states that Lauren's right. Lauren backs up Jack. Vaughn sort of halfheartedly fights the idea. Jack rightly declares that they need physical evidence to help sell the idea of Lauren's being held prisoner by the Covenant. There's a pause. Lauren turns to Syd. "You should do it," she says. Hell YEAH she should do it! Lauren walks off and says, "Whenever you're ready." Syd looks to Vaughn. "Just get it over with," he says.
Back in the barracks, Lauren enters, whipping off her coat. Syd follows. Lauren turns, all, I know how difficult this must be -- WHAM! Syd delivers a roundhouse punch that knocks Lauren on her ass. Somewhere, Mike Tyson's rubbing his cheek and going, "Dayum! Now THAT was a nice punch!" "That was for turning me into [Head]," says Syd as Lauren spits blood out of her mouth. "And this is for helping me break out." Syd leans over and offers her hand to the fallen Lauren. Syd helps her to her feet and says, "Now, let's get this over with." Wait, there's more? Aren't you gonna show it? Well, shit. I've been looking forward to this all week. It made Thanksgiving almost...bearable.
Meanwhile, in a darkened cell somewhere deep in the bowels of Oops Center, Dixon sits, contemplating his current situation. A door buzzes open at the end of the hall and Head the Penis shows up. Head's all, hey, where's Sydney Bristow? You covered for her once and it lost you your job. Do it again, and you're going to be doing crossword puzzles with a dull pencil in this dank cell for the ten years. Dix is all, yeah, tell it to my lawyer. Head's all, hey, come on, dude! Tell me who broke her out! Was it her dad? Dix just calmly gets to his feet and says, "What I know here is, sending agents to arrest me in front of my children is one of the last mistakes you'll ever make as Senior Director of the NSC." Head just blinks at him, comprehending that, even behind bars and with no weapon anywhere in sight, Dix is more of a bad-ass than Head could ever hope to be. "I've known men like you," Dix continues. "Men who pretend to be patriots. You are always revealed." Before Head can conjure up a totally impotent response, some lackey enters and informs him that Lauren Reed's in the hizouse. Head just walks off, thankful that he doesn't have to stare at the face of honesty and integrity for one second longer than necessary.
Head and Lackey walk down a hall as Lackey informs Head that Lauren was tossed out of a speeding van right in front of Oops Center five minutes ago, and that she refused medical treatment. Head stops outside his door and looks in. Lauren turns around, and man! Sydney did a royal job on her face! Why? Why didn't we get to see that? WHYEEEE? Head enters and, after a lapse in time wherein Lauren's obviously fed him the abducted-by-the-Covenant story, he questions her about whether the Rambaldi device was the Covenant's only demand. Lauren avers that it was. I could recap this entire scene, but it's really not necessary. I'll just cut to the chase here and say that Lauren's performance is terribly convincing, but Head's not buying what she's selling. Also? Lauren's pretty damn pissed off that she's sitting there, bleeding from several spots on her face, and all her boss can do is go, dude? I'm not digging your chili right about now. "I don't know why the Covenant is willing to make this exchange or what it means," says Lauren, about ready to perform a little roundhouse of her own on Penis Head, "but Sydney is depending on your making this happen." "Since when did you and Bristow become so close?" asks Penis Head, which shall now be his new name. "Or is that about sharing the same man?" Oh, ew! "Penis Head" is SO appropriate for him. "This is a woman's life!" says Lauren, agreeing with me that Penis Head is a far better moniker for the dickwad sitting opposite her. "Protect it, or I will report everything you've done to your superiors." Penis Head tries to bully her by mentioning Vaughn's aiding and abetting Sydney out of the country. Lauren just smiles and hands Penis Head a cell phone. "At 6:30 this evening, you are to press redial. The person at the other end will give you the details of the exchange."
Then we see Penis Head hitting redial on the phone, ostensibly at 6:30 that evening. "Hello?" says Penis Head. And, yes, I just love typing that. A distorted voice responds on the telephone: "The Rambaldi device in exchange for Sydney Bristow. Do we have a deal?" "Yes," says Penis Head. "Keep this phone with you at all times," responds the voice as we switch to the interior of a plane and see it's Spy Daddy whose voice is being distorted. "You will be notified as to time and place." Jack ends the call and moves to the back of the plane. Okay, so he has endless warehouses of weapons and medicinal supplies, extra warehouses just for hanging out in, and a PLANE AT HIS DISPOSAL? Like, how do I get me one of these Spy Daddys?
Jack parks it across from Vaughn, who's sitting across the aisle from Syd. "Lauren did well," Jack says to Vaughn, who just sort of nods as if to say, "Oh, shit. I thought Head would have shot her or something. Well. Can't have everything." Jack nods at Syd, who takes her cue and grabs her stuff and moves to the front of the plane, hoping that her future husband and her father can finally have that heart-to-heart she's dreamed of all her life. It happens, after a fashion, and it's actually more humorous and heartfelt than any scene we've seen so far this season. And that's saying a lot, considering how many humorous and heartfelt scenes we've seen so far this season. "I never thanked you," says Jack with not a little difficulty, "for helping me extract Sydney." "You don't have to thank me," says Vaughn, working that three-day-old stubble like only he can. "Yes I do," says Jack. "Especially given your history." Vaughn acknowledges this with aplomb. "I used to think you didn't have much of a spine," says Jack. "And has that assessment changed at all?" asks Vaughn. "No," says Jack, totally serious. Vaughn just looks at him and does a slow burn smile that says, "Oh, yeah it totally HAS!" Jack returns the look and delivers a similar slow burn smile that says, "You bet your sweet ASS it has!" Heh. I loved this scene. Really.
New Haven, Connecticut. Home of Yale and This One Guy I Dated In High School Who Went There To Study English and Telecommunications and Wound Up Trying To Write The Great American Novel Then Ended Up Just Going Into His Father's Business, Namely, Advertising, While I Went On To Make My Living As A Writer. Heh. Yeah. I might've been waiting ten years to put that down. Aaaanyway...Jack, Vaughn and Syd pull up to a warehouse that is presumably not one of Jack's. They get out, and Jack knocks on a door. A pretty girl, clad only in a large blue man's oxford shirt, answers. Jack's all, um, is the doctor here? 'Cuz he's expecting us. Pretty Girl -- obviously under the influence of something other than a venti gingerbread latte -- says, "Wow. Say something else." Jack's all, look. Can we come in or WHAT? Pretty Girl lets them in.
As Pretty Girl scampers across a large warehouse filled with strange equipment and a sort of makeshift living quarters, she shouts out for the professor. Syd and crew enter. "There are some beautiful people here!" says Pretty Girl. Enter David Cronenberg. Yes, THAT David Cronenberg. I'm a huge Cronenberg fan, so I've really been looking forward to this. And, I have to say, casting David Cronenberg as the weird non-invasive therapy doctor is a stroke of genius. The man is completely incapable of being normal which, if I'm surmising correctly, is just what this role calls for. Cronenberg exits what looks like a bathroom and approaches the crew, wiping his hands on his khaki cargo pants. Looks like he's gonna be about as into hygiene as Doc Avari.
The crew and Cronenberg meet up in the middle of the space, and Cronenberg spits and sputtles that he was just thinking they weren't supposed to arrive until Tuesday but that it actually is Tuesday, and hi, how's everyone doing, and you've come to me at a really awkward time, so, like, I can't promise you anything, and look at the pretty lights. Pretty lights! They're coming from your heads! Aw. Pretty lights! Like, seriously. Recapping Cronenberg's dialogue is SO not gonna be easy here. The man's CLEARLY on drugs, and so is his little girlfriend, and I'm not even sure anything he has to say is important, so I'm gonna make this shit up as I go along, okay? So, Jack's all, yeah, um, drugstore cowboy? Over here. Focus. Your research into memory retrieval is really cool. Cronenberg's all, oh, yeah that. That is such a trip! Pretty Girl cuddles up to him and whispers something in his ear. Cronenberg explains that Pretty Girl likes to hug people. He then introduces her as "Kaya," thereby saving me the chore of having to refer to her as "Pretty Girl" for the rest of the recap. Kaya's his assistant, apparently, and she's all about the hugging. Okaaaay. "You know? I'm starving," says Cronenberg. "Anyone else?" And before anyone else can answer, Cronenberg and Kaya head off to the kitchen. Jack turns to Vaughn and Syd. "Okay, you have GOT to be kidding me!" says Vaughn. Hee. "I can't do this," says Syd. What exactly bothers you about this, Syd? The fact that he didn't wash his hands coming out of the bathroom or that both he and his assistant have partaken of some very fine Jamaican Blue in the recent hours? Jack's all, hey, the dude creeps me out too, okay? But we're not here because we have other options, right?
There's a mini time lapse, and then we're watching Cronenberg drop what looks like some tasty bacon slices onto a plate. Syd and crew, along with Kaya, are seated in the makeshift living room. Kaya still doesn't have any pants on, like, at least put a towel down or something, dude. That is SO unsanitary. Cronenberg enters and offers everyone a slice of "facon." Heh. Cronenberg takes a seat and holds up a piece of "facon" which is, essentially, soy bacon. He delivers an explanation as to what it is, but that's not really important right now. Neither is much of anything else that follows in this scene. The nutshell? Cronenberg knows that all he knows is that he's not supposed to know anything about the crew. Okaaaay. And, yes, "okaaaay" may be repeated throughout the couple of paragraphs.
Jack tells Cronenberg that there are people who think Syd's committed a crime and that her memories are the only things that can exonerate her. Cronenberg contemplates this as he munches on his facon. Heh. Syd wants to know how the therapy works. Kaya tells Cronenberg to tell them how he got the idea, but not the long version. Considering that it takes Cronenberg another TWELVE HOURS to describe how he came up with the idea, I'd say he went with the long version anyway. Again. Nutshell? As far as I can tell, Cronenberg did work with head-trauma patients, crashed his truck, became a trauma patient himself, and spent eleven months in traction, just alone with his thoughts. Then, one night, he came to the realization that dreams are both a priori and a posteriori. "Which means, our dreams contain our memories," he says, waving around the facon. "Which means that there's a shared reservoir." So he began to consider ways to consciously enter the subconscious. "Ways to convince the brain that it was truly experiencing the dream memory state," he says, looking around at them. "So, I turned to the one thing I really knew." "Drugs," says Kaya, looking very pleased with herself. "Ergo, I totaled my pickup truck." Um. What? Didn't he just say he totaled his pickup truck and THEN figured out this grand idea? Or did he figure out this grand idea and THEN total his pickup truck? Look. All I know is, Cronenberg has just waxed faconic about something as rudimentary as DRUGS. Like, couldn't Jack and Vaughn just have fed Syd some 'shrooms and be done with it? I mean, I like Cronenberg and everything, BUT WHAT IN THE FUCK IS HE TALKING ABOUT?
Syd kind of looks at Vaughn like she's thinking, WHAT IN THE FUCK IS HE TALKING ABOUT? Vaughn just caresses his forehead wrinkles as if they're the Rosetta Fucking Stone and he's going to find all the answers right there. Jack just asks what the drugs are. Turns out, they're just a happy combo of synthetics and organics and, thankfully, don't involve the ingestion of facon. "I mean, they won't kill you," says Cronenberg. "But, depending on what they are, your dreams just might." Oh. Okaaaay. That's...encouraging. Syd just looks at him like he's dressed as the Statue of Liberty and there are a bunch of tourists rambling around behind his eyes. Cronenberg jumps up and announces, "I say we get this party started! Kaya will show you where to change." Vaughn looks dubious about this whole procedure. Kaya stands and extends a hand to Sydney. "Come with me," she says. Syd just smiles like, yeah, I'm not going anywhere with you, Valley of the Dolls. But she gets up and goes with her anyway.
Dream Retrieval Arena. Syd's lying on a table. Cronenberg's trying to explain to her that when most people sleep, they don't realize they're dreaming until they're awake. Vaughn watches Cronenberg attend to Syd from behind a bank of monitors. Cronenberg wants Syd to become lucid in the dream state itself. Syd's all, and how do I do that? Cronenberg's all, oh, don't worry about that. The drugs I'm gonna give you will do most of the work. But I'm gonna monitor your neural activity, just in case. "And when I know you're in REM," he says, "I'll give you a verbal cue over the headphones. Tell me...what was the last thing you remember before your...your missing time?" Syd's all, being knocked unconscious in my apartment. "Oh. I see. Uh, well," sputters Cronenberg, "once you're aware that you're in the dream state, your objective will be to pick up the thread of your last memory in as much detail as you can." "How?" asks Syd. And here, Cronenberg does something that, really, no human being is able to do. At least, no human being that I KNOW OF. He's all, oh, well, it's just, you're gonna, you're just gonna have to feel your way back. "It's like, [bends and manipulates fingers of right hand in such a way as to move them all through each other as if they don't have bones and can easily slide between above and beyond themselves] using a muscle that you've never used before," he says, creeping out the collective viewing audience as only he can. "If you can get to that point, just stay with it, because, ultimately, you will become aware of what happened ." Yeah. David Cronenberg's definitely an alien. Syd doesn't understand. Yeah. You and me BOTH, sister. Cronenberg's all, yeah, I know. You will. Just be aware that, when you encounter a new memory, it might be traumatic. "But it...won't necessarily be real," says Syd. "Oh, it will be to you," says Cronenberg.
Cronenberg puts Syd's headphones on her and wishes her good luck. Then he takes a syringe filled with a rather noxious-looking neon green fluid and plugs it into Syd's IV. And, yes, there's a HUGE air bubble in there. We've just had a dissertation on dream manipulation from David Cronenberg shortly after watching him eat a stick of facon. Do you REALLY want to go for reality in this moment? So, Cronenberg empties the syringe into Syd's IV and hands the empty syringe to his very able-bodied assistant, Kaya, who's now watching over Syd. Cronenberg goes over to the table of monitors where Jack and Vaughn are sitting. He speaks into a microphone and tells Syd that he's going to count down from ten. "By the time I reach one, you will be asleep." He counts. The camera moves in with every numeral. Until, finally, we're close up on Syd's face when Cronenberg reaches one.
Aaaand commercials. Okay. Is it just me, or does Paycheck look like a rehash of Memento only with Ben Affleck and Aaron Eckhart instead of Guy Pearce? I'm just askin'. I love John Woo, though, so I'll probably have to see it, dammit. Ooh! A Best Buy commercial! I work on that account at my thankless day job! Heh. Heh heh. Nice commercial. I didn't work on the commercial, but, um, well, I write the stuff that shows up at your house telling you, "Buy shit from Best Buy NOW!" So that's something.
Dream Sequence #1. Syd's nicely mascara'd eye pops open; she's in an ambulance and Vaughn's by her side. Vaughn's all, hey, baby. The EMT is all, don't move, you've suffered a severe head trauma. Syd, covered in blood, is all confused about where she is. The EMT informs her that she's on the way to the hospital. Vaughn's all, Will's gonna be okay. He lost a lot of blood, but we got him in time. Syd's all, Will? But...Will's in witness protection! The EMT says that it's normal for Syd to have gaps in memory. Vaughn's all, the woman you were living with was NOT Francie! Her name was Alison Doren! Syd's all, I know, you dumb-ass! And this is a dream! And she was the second double we never found! And Vaughn's all, it's coming back to her! Syd tries to get up, but the EMT pushes her back down. Syd wants to know if Vaughn's heard of the Covenant. He's all, yeah, yeah, yeah. Are they important right now? Because we have to get on with this dream. Syd wants to know if Sloane's been pardoned by the state department. Vaughn's all, pardoned? Hardly. Just then, Syd looks down at Vaughn's left hand, which is holding her left hand. "You're not wearing a wedding ring," says Syd. "No," says Vaughn, smiling. "I thought we'd go to Santa Barbara first and see how that went." Aw. And GET ON WITH IT. Because, y'all KNOW this ain't real, right? Syd sits up and says, "You're not married?" as Vaughn caresses her face with his right hand. "Wow. You really did hit your head, huh?" he asks charmingly. "I thought you gave up on us," says Syd, ambulance lights flashing across her face. "Syd, when I walked into that apartment and saw you lying there," says Vaughn, "I thought, 'Don't let me miss a chance to tell her how much I love her.'" Aw. And SERIOUSLY GET ON WITH IT. "I love you," says Syd. Vaughn moves in for the kiss.
Vaughn pulls back and it's SLOANE. EW! And EW! And Uncle Inappropriate Touching has come back to haunt us! EW! Syd pulls back, gasping. Sloane speaks to her and says that she's dreaming. It's Cronenberg's voice that we hear. Back in the Dream Dugout, Cronenberg's speaking to Sydney over the microphone: "If you can hear me, then you're in a dream state. You need to use it to get back to where you were." We see Syd's body twitching on the table. Then we switch back to the ambulance, and now Sloane's speaking, still with Cronenberg's voice: "To get to the last memory that you have." Syd looks at Sloane. "Now, remember," Sloane says, "you said it was...in your apartment. That you were knocked out." We return to Cronenberg and the crew, Vaughn watching the monitors with his jaw twitching. "You must...try to go back to that place," says Cronenberg. "You must try to find that place." Jack grits his teeth at the monitors. "Sydney?" says Sloane, back in the dream world. "You are in control of your environment. Go NOW!" And Sloane slams Syd out of the ambulance.
And she's slammed into the wall of her bedroom by Francinator. We repeat the last few moments of the Best Girlfight Ever, wherein Syd's slumped on the ground and Francinator and Syd both reach for the gun at the very same moment. Syd smacks Francinator in the neck, Francinator backs up, and Syd shoots the shit outta her. Although, as we know now, not nearly enough to KILL her. Syd passes out and a clock, somewhere, starts ticking. The camera pans up from the snoozing Syd to a fully awake and aware Syd, looking down upon herself. Dream Syd kneels down and looks at Memory Syd, crumpled and bloody against the wall. Suddenly, the light goes red, and there's the sound of bubbling and brewing coming through the speakers of my television.
Dream Dugout. Cronenberg, observing his monitors, tells Jack and Vaughn that Syd's out of REM, and that she exists now in actual memory. Vaughn's all, dude? She was knocked unconscious after the fight; how could she remember anything after that? Cronenberg's all, dude? I don't have time for your namby-pamby questions. Let Spy Daddy answer that for you. Jack's all, okay, so, even though her eyes were closed, her other senses were picking up shit, right? Cronenberg's all, yeah. Right. Have you done this before? "And based on those senses," says Cronenberg, "her brain will construct an accurate, but incomplete, memory of the events that followed. Uh...the barbecue chips?" Jack just looks at him like, um, what are you ON? "Please, could you pass me those?" Jack hurriedly passes Cronenberg the chips as if they'll secure Syd's safety. Cronenberg just opens up the bag and munches away.
Back in Dream Sequence #1, Syd's spinning around in a fluffy red clown wig and a sleeveless leather top. She looks like a demonic Barbie version of herself. Laughter is heard. Men whispering. I'm just going by the closed captioning now, actually. They say "laughter" and "men whispering," and I'm thinking they're dead on. A bunch of guys in black hoods keep passing by. Syd says that she sees the men, and that they're taking her away. Cronenberg asks who they are. Syd can't see their faces. Back in the Dream Dugout, Vaughn's all, what'd she say? Cronenberg's all, oh, people without faces. It's common! Back in the dream, Red Syd watches as Memory Syd is carried away by a bunch of the black hood guys.
Then Memory Syd's lying in some airplane or van or something. The voices, according to the closed captioning, are saying, "expected by now" and "at least two more" and "schedule." The camera pans up from Memory Syd's prone body and Dream Syd is right there, complete with curly Elektra wig and Hong Kong sweater ensemble. Dream Syd looks down upon her own body as the distorted dream voices continue to talk. "They meet us at the safe house," one of them says. "She's waking up," another says. Memory Syd rolls over. "And then we'll go get Alison," another voice says. "There were three altogether," says yet another voice. One of the Black Hoods gets out of his seat and shoots Memory Syd in the neck with something, even though Dream Syd tries to get him not to do it.
Dream Dugout. On the table, Syd's writhing around, obviously distressed. Back in the Dream World, Syd's hair is pulled back and she's wearing a pretty sundress. She looks down at her hands and realizes that she's a little girl. Little Syd turns and sees a table and chairs in the distance, all set up for a birthday party. Little Syd walks toward it. There are several other little girls waiting for her. They all say hi and run towards her. The say in unison, "Happy Birthday, Sydney!" Syd walks through them to the table. "Hmm," says Cronenberg. "She's extrapolating." Both Vaughn and Jack look at Cronenberg. "Meaning what?" says Jack. "Uh, brain activity indicates her memory centers aren't active," says Cronenberg. "She's in a tangent." Kaya hunches over Jack and goes, "I was in a tangent once." There's a pause while Jack wonders how easy it would be to stab Kaya with a barbecue chip. "How nice for you," says Jack. Heh.
Back in Dreamland, we see a really nice cake with "Happy Birthday Sydney" written on it. "Happy Birthday, honey!" says Jack from off screen. Then the camera pans up to...um, Victor Garber with black hair. And not just any black hair, but possibly the black hair borrowed from Devo during their "helmet hair" period. Jack instructs Syd to make a wish. Little Syd leans over to blow out the candles, and we see that the cake has "St. Aidan" written on top. She blows out the candles, and suddenly she's an adult again. The little girls around her cheer. Big Syd looks around, pleased at the cheering. She looks up at her dad and he hands her a knife, saying it's time to cut the cake. Big Syd slices into the rather delicious looking cake, right in the middle of the "St. Aidan" and blood comes gushing out. Now that is NOT a good filling for a birthday cake. Strawberries? Chocolate? Mousse? Any of those would be preferable to BLOOD. Syd looks up, looking for her father, but instead, Lazarey's there. Syd looks down and sees that her knife hasn't cut into the cake; it's cut into Lazarey's hand. Syd jumps back, gasping.
Dream Dugout. Cronenberg's trying to get Syd to listen to him. He wants her to concentrate, because it's the only way she's going to get back on track. Syd doesn't know how. "Focus on the last detail you remember," says Cronenberg, switching into Spy Daddy at the very last moment in Dream World. Syd looks past her father in Dream World and sees a white van. "There I am," she says, breathing heavily. "Excuse me, Daddy," she says, "I have to go." Hee. I loved this part, because Syd's totally in the dream world, she's wearing a summer dress, her dad has severe Grecian formula hair going on, she just cut off Lazarey's hand, and still, STILL, she has so much respect for her father that she just has to act politely when interrupting their together time. Hee. Syd runs off in pursuit of the white van. She opens up the trunk door and, not only is she dressed differently, in a white top and jeans, but inside the van is NOT a van interior; instead, it's a hallway. Syd enters and investigates.
Three men in black hoods are taking a gurney down the hallway, and they exit through a side door. Syd runs after them as screams sound through the halls. Syd stops in front of a set of doors that have "47" painted upon them. Yeah. Because that wasn't too obvious or anything. Come on. You knew it was coming. Syd's considering going through them when a door behind her shuts. She turns and goes through. She's inside a stairwell. She hears wheels screeching and looks down. Memory Syd's being taken down a hallway. As Dream Syd watches, another Dream Syd appears on the balcony beneath her. Then another Dream Syd appears on the stairwell to the right of the balconies. All the Dream Syds but one disappear and that remaining one goes after Memory Syd.
Dream Syd slams through a door and ends up in a hallway with a video screen at the end, depicting either surgery or fireworks -- you decide. Syd runs down the hallway towards Memory Syd and her cadre of black hooded men. We get a glimpse of Memory Syd, out cold on the gurney, as she's taken into the same room we saw before, when Dream Syd decided to go in the opposite direction. In case you're wondering, it's the same damn curved hall and they take the same damn turn into the right doorway. Dream Syd runs after them and stops, once again, in front of the huge "47" on the doors. From directly behind her comes a female voice hissing, "Sydney." Sydney turns and it's...Lauren.
Lauren turns and goes off. Syd follows. She enters a room filled with plastic sheeting. Like, it's nothing but plastic sheeting. And cold blue lighting. Syd has to plunge through dozens of sheets of plastic in order to follow Lauren, who's moving ahead of her at a good clip. Back in the Dream Dugout, Cronenberg's panicking. "This is...this is very unusual," he says. Vaughn's all, what? Cronenberg's all, well, she's still in beta, but she's dreaming. "That just...that just doesn't happen," he says, looking like his little cocktail of dreams is going to blow up in his face.
Aaaand we're back in Dream World and Lauren's going up an escalator. Syd follows. Lauren walks through some more plastic sheeting and seems to cross into a room with black and white chessboard flooring. Syd makes it up to her, but she's not there. From behind Syd, Lauren calls her name. Syd turns. And Lauren's right there. Up against the plastic. "You know better," Lauren says. Syd backs off. "You were part of this!" says Syd. Lauren grabs the back of Syd's neck and flings her forward into Lauren's area. Syd turns and tries attacking her. Lauren just bends back, as if expecting Syd's blow. Lauren counter-defends with a blow to Syd's face and then thrusts Syd up against a wall. Syd fights, but Lauren has her solid. Then Lauren throws Syd against an opposite wall and Reality Syd, in the Dream Dugout, acts as if Agent Smith just punched her really hard in the Matrix.
Syd's health readings go off the charts in the Dream Dugout.
Back in the Dream World, Syd falls to the ground and, before she can recover, Lauren wraps some plastic around her head and tries to kill her.
Back in the Dream Dugout, Syd's monitor is reading heart failure. Cronenberg runs toward her, yelling at someone to kill the power feed. Jack yells, "What the hell is happening?" "She's in V-Tach!" shouts Cronenberg. "Get the epinephrine, it's on the tray! Get these off her," he says to Vaughn and Jack, meaning the sensors. Vaughn grabs the syringe of epinephrine, and Jack attends to the sensors. Kaya just stands there, pretty, but useless. "She's flatlining!" shouts Cronenberg. "We need to resuscitate her now!" shouts Jack. "Get the defibrillator paddles," Cronenberg shouts at Vaughn while plunging the epinephrine directly into Sydney's chest. Ouch. Vaughn pulls over the defibrillator machine and shouts, "Two hundred joules, charging!" He pulls out the pads and hands them to Cronenberg. "Clear!" shouts Cronenberg. "We need 300!" "Sydney, wake up," says Jack. "Clear!" says Cronenberg, placing the paddles on Syd's chest, thrusting her body up into the air.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how we go to commercial in the real world of Alias. Because that shit? Had me all sorts of fucked up. Not that I thought she was dead or anything because, yeah, this is Alias, where people get shot in the heart, bludgeoned in the head and run over by steamrollers and STILL return later in the season. It was just kind of weird and ooky and I really don't like the image of David Cronenberg stabbing people in the chest with a needle. I really don't need that. Really.
When we return, Syd's lying in bed, curled up beneath a white sheet. She turns, and Vaughn's there, sitting at the end of her bed. He sees her wake and comes over, sitting by her side. Syd smiles and asks him to help her sit up. He does and she easily puts her lips to his and gives him a really passionate, sexy kiss. The furrow between Vaughn's eyes goes for subcutaneous levels while he accepts this kiss and sort of gives into it. Finally, he pulls back and sort of sighs, "Syd." She smiles and says, "I can't help it, I just miss you," in this really sweet voice and with this lovely little smile. She reaches out and touches his face. Vaughn kind of breathes heavily and says, "You know...we can't do this." Syd just smiles brightly and says, "Oh, gimme a break. It's a dream. We can do whatever we want. At least, I can." Just then, the door opens and in walks Spy Daddy, probably pretty damn tired of watching his little girl git it on with Captain Forehead. I mean, wasn't the videotape bad enough? God. Jack says, "Your vitals are normal, you're going to be fine." He looks at Vaughn with a disgruntled expression and adds, "I assume he's told you." Vaughn's all, dude. I was just getting to that! But, like, she kissed me and everything and, um, I kind of forgot and then YOU walked in and caught us and, uh, GET OFF MY BACK ALREADY. Jack leaves, and Vaughn turns to Syd, who now looks extremely surprised that she just swapped spit with her ex-boyfriend for real. "God, I --" "It's okay," says Vaughn warmly. You bet your sweet ASS it's okay, Agent Amorous! There was more sensuality and emotion in that one kiss than in ANY SCENE YOU'VE EVER HAD WITH YOUR WIFE. So bring on more kissing! NOW!
Oops Center. Lauren's walking down a hall, and Marshall's running after her. She stops, and he skids to a halt, getting this grossed-out look on his face. "Ugh," he grimaces. "I had too many jelly doughnuts." Lauren's all, really? Me too. And I think I had too many banana daiquiris for breakfast because, dude? I am HAMMERED right now. Wanna go lie down in the Conference Room of Endless Expositions and make shadow puppets on the ceiling? Marshall's all, totally! But first, lemme give you these severed-hand results. I couldn't match 'em to anything in the DNA database, but I did run some forensic tests that could be interesting.
We switch to Jack at the Dream Dugout as he's getting off his cell phone. It was Lauren, and she told him about the DNA-matching conundrum. Syd pipes up that, in the middle of her birthday-cake dream, she looked down and dreamed she was cutting off Lazaboomchicaboom's hand. She's all, why would I dream I was cutting off the hand of a man I murdered? I don't know, Syd. Why did I dream that I showed up to work wearing nothing but a plaid mini-skirt and a piano-key tie and my grade-school boyfriend Donny Gray was there and he kissed me and then turned into my cousin Cameron and then his head got chopped off and he ran around the office flapping his arms? Why? Why would I dream something like that? Could it be that burrito I ate last night right before I went to bed? Huh. Jack says that Marshall's forensic evidence suggests that the owner of the hand was alive as recently as four months ago. Syd's all, huh? What? The what? Then it couldn't have been Lazawannahumphump because, dudes? I offed his Russkie ass AGES ago. Jack's all, not so fast there, honey. Maybe you didn't kill him. Syd's all, um, did YOU watch the videotape? Yeah? How 'bout the part where I slashed his throat? Huh? Looked pretty dead to me. Jack's all, honey? It could have been a performance. Vaughn says that, since Lazarey was a Russian diplomat, he probably had his DNA typed. Lauren's worked with the Russians before, so she can easily call 'em up and ask for the DNA.
Just then, Creepy Cronenberg enters the room and blabbles that Syd's experience really was "something," and that whatever happened in her dream sent her into cardiac arrest, which almost sent him into cardiac arrest and are you okay? Heh. He's like your favorite drunk uncle; he makes no sense, but he's so damn funny while he's gibbering and gabbering on that you don't really care. Syd assures him that she's fine, and then Jack asks her what else she remembers about the dream. She pretty much just regurgitates the dream that we all witnessed. She says she lost the men and herself on the gurney before she could see where they were taking her. Syd then looks at Vaughn. "Lauren strangled me," she says carefully. The expression on Vaughn's face is priceless. "Well, that was a dream," he says. Syd doesn't look so sure. "It must've been a dream, right?" Vaughn asks Cronenberg. "Right? I mean, RIGHT? MY WIFE DIDN'T REALLY STRANGLE MY EX-GIRLFRIEND, RIGHT?" Cronenberg just says that this whole pink-n-green fluid memory thing ain't really an exact science, you know? Jack remarks that, at that point in her life, Syd hadn't even met Lauren. Cronenberg suggests that this could have been a representational figure. Masked people, shape shifters - they're all part of the dream world. "They first appear as one character -- your mother, an old classmate--" "In my case, a parrot," pipes up Kaya. "...a parrot," continues Cronenberg in this voice that's like, "okaaaaay". Heh. "But, uh, they're really just physical manifestations of someone else," he finishes.
"I wanna go back," says Syd. Jack's all, uh-uh. No way. No how. You're staying AWAY from the pink and green fluids, okay? Syd's all, dude? They were taking me toward a room. It was room 47. That's where I was being held. And that just HAS to be important, you know? "I have to go back and see what happened to me in there," Syd concludes. Syd's made up her mind. Jack just kind of looks down at the ground and away from her. Kaya's all, dude? You ROCK. Jack just looks back at his daughter with the most heartbreaking look of concern on his face. I mean, it's subtle and barely there, but his eyes are saying, "Please don't die on me now. Not after everything that's happened. Not now." It's beautiful.
So, Syd's prone on the Dream Dugout table again. Cronenberg's coaching her on what's going to happen once she's under. He surmises that she's going to start off in a dream cycle, and that she must try to get back to where she wants to by focusing on a detail. Syd recalls that the building where she was being held was filled with plastic sheeting. Cronenberg's all, yeah, yeah, whatever. You're looking for a portal, a way back to your memory state, back to the door you described. Kaya wishes Syd luck, and Cronenberg places the headphones on her head again.
Random Parking Garage of Clandestine Meetings with Penis Head. Sloane comes down some stairs. Penis Head's leaning against a car, waiting for him. Sloane looks surprised to see him, but walks over anyway. Sloane's all, huh. Slumming, Head? Because I assumed some lackey was gonna meet me here. Penis Head's all, you got confirmation of the Covenant's demand? Yup, says Sloane. Penis Head just looks really pissed off into some far corner of the garage. He turns back to Sloane and says something about this being an awkward conversation. Sloane's all, well, YOU'RE awkward and stupid and ugly, but I'm not. So let's just say YOU'RE awkward and I'm handsome and sexy and cool and leave it at that. Sloane asks why Penis Head's deemed this conversation "awkward." Head's all, because I'm asking you to use your contacts. Sloane's all, why come to me? Head's all, because you can give me untraceability. "I'm looking for someone trained in wet work," says Head, drawing a look of surprise from Sloane. "In particular, dead shot with a long range rifle." It would appear Penis Head is planning on making the Sydney exchange but that, during the exchange itself, he wants Syd taken out. And not to Spago for tiramisu, if you catch his drift.
Sloane, trying to buy some time, calmly asks Head why the trade should even go on. Why not just let the Covenant end her life? "Because I want assurance," says Penis Head, "that Sydney Bristow is eliminated." Sloane's all, oh ho ho! I see! She's got somethin' on you, you duplicitous bastard! Penis Head doesn't respond, instead saying something to the effect that if Syd's hit by a sniper, it'll appear as if it's a Covenant double cross. Sloane's all, oh, okay, fine. Whatever. But how do I know this isn't some form of entrapment? Penis Head stands and moves over to Sloane. "Because I know what you're up to, Mr. Sloane," he says. "I can see your big picture. I know your endgame." He takes an envelope out of his inner coat pocket. "I even have proof." He hands the envelope to Sloane, and Sloane opens it. It's a piece of paper, which Sloane unfolds. We don't see what's on it, but I'm thinking that it's either a Xeroxed copy of a photo of his dead wife, now remarkably alive, or maybe a shot of Sloane wearing a turban in the desert in front of the Lost Ark of the Covenant screaming as fire and brimstone bubble up through his being and shoot out at the Nazis scattered below him. Or maybe it's just "I KNOW YOUR ENDGAME" in big block letters. Yeah. That's it. Penis Head tells Sloane that he'll call him with the details once the trade's arranged. He walks off, leaving Sloane to contemplate his future as a turban-wearing holy relic stealer.
Oops Center. The day, I think, who knows, Lauren's at her desk, looking for Swedish porn on her computer, when Marshall walks up and drops a file on her desk. That DNA from the Kremlin she asked him to test? Yeah. It's a match. The hand belongs to LazaifyouthinkI'msexy. Lauren gets on the horn to Jack and tells him the good news. "Sydney didn't kill him," she says. "Lindsay has nothing on her. Which means Sydney can come home." Aw. Poor naïve Lauren. Syd can't come home until she goes into another dream state, finds out what happened to her, has a little bitch fight with an imaginary figure that greatly resembles, well, YOU, and then makes out some more WITH YOUR HUSBAND.
Dream Sequence, Part the Second. Syd's in an old-fashioned car with Dix at the wheel. She looks beautiful, in a jeweled sweater with her hair all messy. Dix asks if she's still asleep. Syd says she thinks she is. She runs her fingers over a raised name on the dashboard. The name is St. Aidan. Syd says she's never heard of a "St. Aidan." Dix says they're hard to find. He stops the car and reminds Syd not to forget the case. She moves to get out of the car and we see that she's holding the metal box that Lazarickitickitavi's hand was in.
Then we see the interior of what looks like Syd's beach house. Agent Sean and Marshall are there, chomping on cigars and playing cards while a rather kickin' MC Honky tune clips along on the soundtrack. They're both dressed kind of retro-like as well. Syd gets out of the car, and we see that the car itself is parked in the middle of her living room. Agent Sean's all, good! You made it! Come play with us! It should be noted that the Rambaldi clock is sitting in the center of the table where Sean and Marshall are playing. "I hope you're ready for an expensive lesson in the art of gambling," Sean calls out. Hee. Then Marshall laughs, and Sean joins him, and their laughter is adorable. Really infectious. Syd's immune, however, stating only that she's "looking for that building." With his cigar screwed firmly into the corner of his mouth, Sean tells her to check the kitchen. "Kitchen," agrees Marshall, sucking the end of his stogie. Syd heads off into the kitchen, which is covered with plastic sheeting.
Dream Dugout. Cronenberg announces that Syd's in. Jack wants to know if Syd's okay. Cronenberg confirms that she's fine, and that she's on track for another vivid dream.
Back in the dream, Syd's walking confidently through the plastic. She's dressed all in white. Lauren's heading toward her, walking just as strongly, and she's wearing all black. Yeah. Because that's not TOO obvious or anything. Dream Lauren's all, dude? You shouldn't have come back. Syd's all, seriously? Who are you? Dream Lauren's all, you don't want to be here, dude. I'm warning you. "You're not Lauren," says Syd. "I know you're not Lauren." "It doesn't matter who I am," Dream Lauren says. "All that matters is that you leave this place." "You. Get. The. Hell. Outta. My. Way," spits Syd. "I can't do that," says Dream Lauren. Then she whips out a gun and aims it at Syd's head. Syd quickly kicks the gun out of Dream Lauren's hand and to the floor. Then she wraps plastic sheeting around Dream Lauren's head and suffocates her until, suddenly, Dream Lauren turns into Dream Syd and she rips the plastic from her face, saying, "You are so stubborn!" in this kind of altered, deeper version of Syd's voice. Dream Syd flings Real Syd across the room and tells her, "You idiot! We want to stay away! We know the Covenant had us. We suspected it all along. Of course we were right." "It was the Covenant?" Real Syd says kind of stupidly. "You think it's an accident we don't remember anything?" says Dream Syd. "Then what happened to me?" asks Real Syd. "Trust Lazarey," says Dream Syd. Real Syd's all, wait, what? Lazarey? What's HE got to do with it? Dream Syd's all, okay. Enough questions. Real Syd's all, dude? What's in Room 47? And how come your hair looks better than mine?
Before Dream Syd can answer that, we switch quickly back to the Dream Dugout so as to milk the Room 47 mystery for the last remaining two seconds of this episode. Jack sees Syd twisting and turning on the table and yells at Cronenberg to pull Syd out now, he's not gonna risk her life again. Cronenberg's all, chill, dude! Her vitals are fine, she's fine, the whole thing's fine and if you'd just shut the hell up, we might actually find out what's in goddamn Room 47!
Back in Dream Land, Dream Syd and Real Syd engage in a rather Matrix-ian girl fight. It's really well done because it's hard to tell which one is Jennifer Garner at any given moment and it's just fast enough that you want more when it's over. Dream Syd drops Real Syd in seconds and then kicks her into the air for good measure. Real Syd spins around in mid air and lands, the breathe knocked out of her. Dream Syd goes to finish her off, but Real Syd avoids her and somehow manages to double back flip away from danger. And, yeah, you can kind of tell it's not Garner, but it's a really good computer face job that they did, so I'll cut them some slack. Real Syd grabs the dropped gun and shoots Dream Syd about six times in the chest. Dream Syd goes down for the count. Real Syd runs off in pursuit of Room 47 and winds up before the double doors. She opens them and is flooded with bright white light. "Oh, my god," she says, a note of pure disgust in her voice, as if what she sees in that room is akin to, like, rhinos screwing or something; like, yeah, it happens, yeah, it's inevitable, but YEAH I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT.
But do WE see what's in the room? HELL NO. God. GOD. WHAT'S IN THE ROOM ALREADY? WHAT HAPPENED TO SYD? WHEN DO WE FIND OUT ABOUT THE LOST YEARS? GODDDDD!
on Alias: DO WE FIND OUT WHAT'S IN THE ROOM? WHAT ABOUT WILL? IS HE SHOWING UP? WILL WE EVER FIND OUT ABOUT THE GODDAMN LOST YEARS? EVER? GOD.