Breaking Point

Ten Things I Learned While Watching Alias:

1. Sometimes, when the episodes are full of action, the recaps aren't as funny. They just aren't.
2. I wish Jack Bristow was my father. Not that I don't love my father dearly, but unless he has a hidden weapons silo somewhere, he's just not nearly as cool as Spy Daddy.
3. Once again, I'm finding Sloane attractive. And this frightens me.
4. Filler episodes can sometimes be fun.
5. Pruitt Taylor Vince has an eye condition that makes him totally creepy.
6. Killjoy did something selfless for once and then shot someone, so now she's known as "Lauren" in my book. Later, if she does something else cool, she may even become known as "Stormin' Lauren."
7. Where in the fuck is Djimon Hounsou?
8. Where in the fuck is Francinator?
9. Where in the fuck is Spy Mommy?
10. But, most importantly, where in the FUCK is Sark?

Previously on Alias: Syd and Vaughn almost made out, Syd went to Rome, Killjoy dropped a dime on her location, and Syd got nabbed by the NSC. But make sure you remember that part about the "almost making out," because that? Ruled.

For some weird reason, we jump right from the previouslys to the Alias opening music. It's so unexpected that I actually almost forget to dance. I just sort of stand there, rooted to the spot, gape-mouthed and wondering what to do . Then the Spy Barbie theme kicks in and I come to my senses, completing a rather hurried rendition of the Spy Frug. During the commercial break, I check my meds for proper dosage and determine that J.J. Abrams is, indeed, just fucking with us.

The Desert. Yeah, the titles tells us WHERE (and I think it's a military prison) but I was so freaked by the out-of-order credit sequence that I accidentally stopped the tape to check and see if it was working and, when I turned it back on, I missed the title card. Shoot me. Anyway, we're in the desert, and before we know it, we're riding shotgun in a helicopter filled to the brim with military personnel. Between them sits a hooded figure. Two guesses who it is. By the way, the credits inform us that the two sweeps-related special guest stars tonight are Pruitt Taylor Vince and Richard Roundtree. Great. So we have the talented-but-not-entirely-uncreepy googly-eyed PTV -- and Shaft? What in the HELL are we in for in this episode?

The 'copter lands, and the military dudes roughly escort the hooded captor inside some building. Once inside, they pass through a series of sliding bar doors until they come to a particular set that somehow signals the military dudes to remove their captor's hood. Yeah, like, they couldn't remove it before. It's a PRISON, not Scarface's HOUSE. Who gives a shit if prisoners know what it looks like or where it is? THEY'RE IN PRISON. Anyway, the hood's removed, and of course, it's Syd, looking tired and panicked and slightly suffocated. Well, you'd be slightly suffocated too if you had to sport a big black hood on a 'copter in the middle of the damn desert.

Syd's slammed into a cell by the rather rude military dudes. Like, what, did she KILL someone? Oh. Wait. Um. Never mind. We leave Syd to contemplate what life will be like in a 4 x 6 room with no ocean view, and head on over to Oops Center, where Head is getting veddy comfortable in his role as Lead Mucky Muck; he's storming through the halls and spitting out orders as if he actually belongs there. Yeah. Go back through the recaps and do a search for "Kendall" if you want to know who actually belongs here.

Head enters the main powwow area and barks at Killjoy. He wants to know if Dix talked to the Director of Central Intelligence. Killjoy informs Head that he did. Then Head just runs through a litany of crap he wants Killjoy to do in order to keep tabs on this particular branch of the CIA. He wants complete access to all emails and correspondence coming into this office in the past two years. Killjoy says, with not a little annoyance, that she's on it. They bust into Dix's office, where Agent Sean and First Mate Forehead are hanging out, shooting the shit with their Cuddly Uncle Dix.

Head wastes no time in acting like a complete and total penishead, and snits something about the DCI telling Dix to hand over control of this Sydney task force to the NSC. He expects that Dix and his crew will cooperate fully. While he's saying all this, Killjoy's putting on a face that is a combination of Maria Bello and "I'm bitchy because I CAN be." Vaughn shoots her a look that says, "If you think I'm ever gonna forgive you for sending my platonic non-sexual ex-girlfriend up the river, then think again, Stool Pigeon." Killjoy just looks back at him as if to say, "Okay, whatever, I'm sorry. But don't my new collagen lips look STUNNING?"

"No, not exactly," says Dixon, referring not to Killjoy's pumped-up orifice but to Head's question about cooperation. "I explained to my superiors that the decision was mine to withhold information from the NSC regarding Sydney Bristow's involvement, and that the members of my staff in question were acting under direct orders from me." Hee. Way to go, Dixon. Head's all, oh, sure, whatevah! I'm in charge now, you loser! Dix just calmly tells him that his staff will remain and cooperate with any ongoing investigation. Head's all, not your staff anymore! Neener neener! Last one out's a rotten egg! Dix just says, with supreme dignity, "I wouldn't expect anything less from you, [Head]." Heh. Head's all, yeah, so, like, one o' my boyz will escort you out, okay? And, like, hand over all yer credentials and -- Dix just walks over and hands him a little manila envelope containing all his credentials, thereby taking the wind completely out of Head's sails. He's like, yeah, like, gimme your credentials! Like that! Ha! Mine! They're mine now! He really is Daffy Duck, you know. "Dethhhhpicable!"

Dix just calmly walks out, and there's a moment of silence while Head wipes the imaginary blood from his freshly tagged nose. He goes behind Dix's desk and looks at Sean and Vaughn. He's all, yeah, um, so, you guys are totally gonna be questioned as well, okay? So don't make any long-term plans, right? And I'm the boss around here! Vaughn just looks at Head like he's sprouted antennae and wings and a hardback shell and is thisclose to entering the nearest roach motel. "Let's not make this any harder than it has to be," says Head, trying out what seems to be a smile. It just makes him look like he has to fart. Vaughn just goes, "It's too late for that," and turns around, snapping at his wife, "I need to talk to you, right now," as he passes by. Heh. She is SO gonna get a smackdown.

The Elephants storm out of the office and locate the nearest private corner to have their first full-on fight. Luckily for us, their idea of "private corner" constitutes "right in the middle of the damn Oops Center and right in front of a really well-lit wall of glass." Are you really interested in the exact transcription of this scene? Because I'm not. Killjoy's all, before you even start, I totally thought I was doing what was right! Vaughn's all, oh, spare me, you jealous little tart! Syd's in custody because of you. Killjoy's all, but Sydney murdered Lazarathankgodit'sfriday! Vaughn's all, shut up! Just shut the fuck up! Don't act like this is your first day on the job! My hotter-than-hell ex-girlfriend is in HEAD'S custody, not the NSC'S and you KNOW IT!

It keeps going on and on and back and forth and basically, Vaughn's right, but so is she, and he's being kind of a dick about it, and she's being incredibly nave, and Killjoy kind of wraps it up by saying something about how not only is Vaughn underestimating her ability to do her job, but he's also questioning her humanity. Then she comes to the glaring realization that her husband helped Syd get out of the country. Vaughn doesn't answer and just sort of looks through her as if she's made of gauze and there's a really big piece of black forest cake on a table behind her.

One of the soldiers walks off, and Head looks down at Pruitt. "Well done," he snarks. Pruitt easily gets to his feet. "Oh my god," says Syd. He walks over to her and informs Syd that he's not who she thought he was, and that her personality profile revealed that empathetic suffering is harder for her to endure than physical torture. "So�thanks for caring," he says. He walks off. "There's just one more procedure left, Agent Bristow," says Head. "We'll have the neurostimulation prepped in about an hour. And we'll finally know what happened to you in the last two years." Or, you know, not until week. Whatever comes first.

After yet another batch of horrific commercials, we're back with Doc Avari and his neurostim tools. He explains that after he drills a hole in Syd's skull, he'll insert a cranial shunt and drain the water from her brainpan. Ew. Once she's unconscious, they'll remove her skullcap and begin the neurostim. Yuck. Head's in the room, along with a non-surgical-glove-clad assistant. Nice sterile environment you got there, Doc. If the procedure doesn't kill her, then it's for damn sure all the rampant germs and infections will handle the job quite nicely.

Outside, a camouflage truck drives up to the outer gates. The team that Shaft's assembled is inside, along with Jack and Vaughn. Jack informs the team that an operative inside will gain access to the security room and initiate a reverse lockdown protocol, which will lock the majority of the MPs into their patrol areas. Once that's done, they'll go get Syd. "Hope your man knows what he's doing," says Shaft. "She does," says Vaughn. Heh.

Inside, Lauren (see -- I told you I'd do it) enters the security room and requests to see Head. An MP goes off to inform Head that she's here to see him. Lauren takes a seat on a table to the security console and sticks a device to it. Outside, Shaft and the boys wait for the lockdown to go into action. While they wait, Lauren sits inside, waiting herself. Just then, Pruitt enters, dressed in a nice suit from Big & Tall. He orders a chopper to Fort Lewis. He sees Lauren and warmly greets her, saying that Head's spoken fondly about her. They shake hands. At that moment, the device Lauren placed goes off and the monitors go down.

Outside, the gate starts to go up, and Shaft and the boys take down the outer guards with tranq darts. The boys move inside. Back in the security room, the MP at the monitors tells Pruitt that something's overriding the system. We hear a voice over the PA system that announces they're in lockdown and that all the doors are sealed. Pruitt tries the door, then turns and looks at Lauren. "What did you do?" he spits. "Nothing," she says innocently. And then Pruitt cracks her one on the face. Heh. Sorry. That was mean.