Prelude

Ten Things I Learned While Watching Alias:

1. This episode ruled.
2. Sam Rockwell has a really cute butt.
3. Spy Daddy is one nasty son of a bitch. Especially when it comes to defending his wittle girl.
4. Arvin Sloane is really creepy and nasty and it kind of bothers me that I find him relatively attractive. Especially when he's wearing turtleneck sweaters.
5. Once again, Marshall is annoying. Even without a drum kit.
6. I still don't like Killjoy, but now that she's being kind of a bitch, I'm at least finding her more, shall we say, entertaining?
7. Francinator is not only super-human, but she's also really adept at disappearing. Because, dude? Just last week she was on the lam, and now this week? NO MENTION WHATSOEVER. Maybe she's in the same witness protection program as Willage.
8. Syd and Vaughn almost kissing at the airport was a trillion times hotter than any single moment between the Elephants. Including the scene when they were in their underwear.
9. Where in the fuck is Djimon Hounsou?
10. I'm going to see Duran Duran at the House of Blues and you're not. So neener neener.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to welcome you to the first truly kick-ass episode of the season. To start it off right, I've got a frosty trough of champagne cocktails at hand and my sparkly new boyfriend, Sam. As in Rockwell. Say hi to the folks, Sammy! "What's shakin', sugah?" says Sam, pausing to slide to the floor in a rockin' split right in the middle of my office. Oh, Sammy. Sammy Rock. You areso very fine. "Yes. Yes, I know. Now gimme a hit off that trough and let's get this recap on the road, sweetness!" Mmmmyes. Let's.

We open up on some very bizarre Flash animation involving colored lights, church bells, and a crazy angel statue. The animation disappears and we're in some kind of hospital room; Sydney's on a gurney, coming to. She sits up groggily and looks around in confusion. She gets up off the gurney and goes to the door, trying to exit. She can't. She bangs on the door a couple times, then gives up. As she walks away, she suddenly cringes and her hand goes to her side. There's blood there. Syd pulls up her gown, and we get a nice flash of clean white panties beforeAAAAUUUGGGHHH!

You know Syd's scar? Yeah. It's not there anymore. In its place is a big, dark gaping HOLE. Ew! And EW! We get a close-up of Syd's fingers digging INTO THE HOLE. EW! She keeps digging and digging and finally comes up with a piece of tubing that, once she pulls it out, keeps coming and coming and WILL IT NEVER END? Syd starts sobbing as the tubing keeps coming out until, finally, about nine hundred feet of it slaps down onto the floor, along with about three pints of Syd's blood. Syd just leans against some x-rays, covered in blood, more blood pooling around the tubing at her feet. Okay. That shit is just sick and wrong and not of the Lord. Butkind of cool, in a gory Cronenbergian sort of way.

And then Syd wakes up. She's sobbing uncontrollably. She grabs at the small scar at her side, which is thankfully just a scar and not a gaping gore-filled hole, and then falls back into bed, scared, alone, and confused. The day, she heads to the Stafford Naval Hospital and walks up to some grandfatherly-looking dude. Looks like he's the head of the Lost Years group that Syd attends, because she apologizes for not being to group in awhile. He's all, that's okay, honey. There's another session tonight. She's all, yeah, well, I'm actually here to talk to you about something else. He's all, is this about your dreams? She just nods and says she's heard about some experimental procedure that's used to recover lost memories. It's called neurostimulation therapy, and she's all for it. Doc Grandfather's all, honey? Let's give group therapy a chance before we go diving for the neurostim shit, okay?

Syd's not really into the group idea, because most of those people have been in group for over ten years and they're not any closer to finding out about their Lost Years. I'm not really into the group idea either, because could it TAKE any longer for them to tell us what in the hell Syd did during those Lost Years? We're not getting any younger over here. Doc Grandfather's all, dude? Maybe it's time to move on and just deal with the fact that you might never remember. Syd's all, yeah, um, how about YOU try not remembering two years of your life, okay? Not so much FUN, dude. Now, I know you have clearance, so, right here in this hallway cluttered with people who DON'T have clearance, I'm going to tell you that there's a terrorist organization who wants to find out the one thing I can't remember, you dig? My point? I don't have the luxury of waiting around until I accept this crappy aspect of my life, Grandpa. Doc Grandfather's all, yeah, um, why don't you come with me, punkin?

They walk over to some padded room, and Syd looks in. Doc Grandfather tells her that the man inside, wrapped in a straitjacket and looking all sorts of crazy, is Kenneth Blake, a CIA agent who was missing for five years. Blake finally turned up in a South Korean hospital with severe injuries and no memories whatsoever. He volunteered for this neurostim procedure that Syd wants. The procedure was carried out, and Blake discovered that he had been in custody of the North Koreans all that time, subjected to tortures so intense and prolonged that his conscious mind had chosen to block them out. At this point, Blake comes to the window and looks directly at Syd, but doesn't really seem to see her. He kind of looks like a bargain basement Hannibal Lecter, actually. He turns away, and there are two really hideous scars on the side of his head. "The invasive nature of the surgery left him with permanent brain damage," says Doc Grandfather. Syd looks away. "You should know, Sydney," continues Doc, "the NSC considers Blake a successful test case for neurostimulation therapy. But I'd consider death as an option before this procedure." Syd just looks at the doctor as Blake glowers at them through the window square.

Nogales, Mexico. Chavez y Chavez is running through one of the secondary sets from Traffic. Mexican cops are shooting at him. He gets cornered and gives himself up. He's carted away. Once in a jail cell, some (probably) crooked cop starts questioning him about his whereabouts over the past few months. You know, the whole epidemiology lab in Cannes, the disease control ministry in Spain, the genetic engineering facility in CubaChavez y Chavez has been one busy boy. Crooked Cop is all, dude? Who should I turn you over to? Huh? Me? I could give a shit. You? You really should give a shit. France and Spain don't have the death penalty, baby. But Cuba? Or, should I say, "Coooba"? Sure as hell does. Crooked Cop wants to strike a bargain. He wants Chavez to provide him with some bigger fish to fry, like the people who commissioned him, for instance, and he, Crooked Cop, will try to get Chavez extradited to a country who won't fry his ass for breakfast. Chavez doesn't even pause. He gives up Syd's Julia Thorne identity faster than you can say, "Are we in Mexico AGAIN?"

Oops Center. Dix storms through and declares that they have non-cleared personnel en route, and that everything should be locked down so as not to reveal anything, you know, super-spy-secret. Down in the Oops Center parking garage, some SWAT-type guys pull Sloane out of a van. Oh, sure, his head's covered in a black bag and we can't see his face, but it's totally him. Back in Oops Center, everyone scrambles to make their stations secure. The SWAT dudes bring Sloane inside, and he walks slowly between them. By the way, if you didn't know it was Sloane before this moment, you certainly would now. I mean, he only comes up to the noses of these SWAT guys. Ron Rifkin's a great actor, but Scottie Pippin he ain't, all right?

The SWAT dudes bring Sloane in and stop. Everyone gathers 'round. Dix nods, and the dudes remove Sloane's hood. He lookswell, damn. He looks GOOD. He's wearing a gray turtleneck sweater and a pinstriped suit and he justI know it's wrong, okay? I know it. But he still looks damn fine for a short, older, EVIL man. Dix walks over and glares at him. Sloane just looks back. "I always knew you were destined for great things," he says, smiling slightly. God-DAMN, he's cool. He's Hannibal Lecter cool, dudes. And yes, that's wrong. But it's so very, very right. Dix swallows his anger and just spits, "Follow me."

Now, while I agree with Sloane that Syd looks beautiful, I don't think I'm alone in asking, what in the HELL kind of dead animal parked itself on the back of her head? Seriously. There's, like, three different kinds of rodent back there and all of them look like they've had their paws stuck in a socket. Not a good look, is all I'm sayin'. The Chinese minister walks over and greets Syd and Sloane warmly. Sloane and the minister glad-hand a bit about the work Sloane's doing with his organization; then Sloane asks Syd to leave them alone so they can discuss something in private. Syd leaves, smiling beautifully at the minister before she goes. As they watch her depart, the minister makes a totally crass comment about how he assumes she does more for Sloane than just type. Sloane's all, oh, yeah, sure. Just because YOU guys are into concubines, you assume WE are too, huh? She's my ASSISTANT, get it? And not in the Secretary kind of way, okay? The minister's all, oh, sure, of course. Your "assistant." Yeah. You want some champagne with that blatant lie?

Syd goes to the bathroom and pretends to check her makeup until another woman in the bathroom leaves. Syd quickly assembles the stealth Matchbox car, segments of which were hidden in her makeup cases, and leaves the bathroom. She takes a glass of champers and parks it over in some corner, placing the stealth Matchbox car on the carpet. Syd gives Marshall a buzz and tells him the ball's in his court now. Marshall jumps into the driver's seat. Hee. The car is really cute. It's zooming around all these feet, almost like a high-tech cockroach. Dix watches as Marshall drives. I have no idea why the car is giving me the giggles, but it is.

We switch back to Syd as Sloane walks up and asks if everything's all right. Syd's all, no, jackass. You killed my fianc and fucked up my life. Everything is NOT all right. But it will be if Marshall can just access the damned security system! Sloane's all, dance with me. Syd's all, bite me, Captain Crackers. Sloane brings up what Minxy Minister said about them having an affair. Syd's all, did I mention the "bite me" part? Sloane's all, dude? He thinks we're having an affair, so let's let him think that, okay? And dancing might help with the illusion. Then we can have a big-ass public fight and get you to the damn maser as soon as possible. Syd finally agrees to a little waltzing action.

Back with Marshall, some false tension occurs when the little car starts banging into walls. Yeah. That was scary. Back with the dancers, Syd and Sloane make it to the dance floor and take their positions. Jennifer Garner does this hilarious blow-out thing with her cheeks like, "Oh, man, here we go," and Ron Rifkin does this sort of head-nod thing to the right as if he's revving up his dancing engine and his head is the ignition or something. I'm not kidding. It's really funny. Go rewind the tape and watch it yourself. Go on, GO!

Syd and Sloane start dancing. Marshall's still trying to get into the security room, making the little car follow a security guard as he walks toward the entrance. Marshall effortlessly guides the car into the security room right before the guard shuts the door. There's another guard inside. As the guards converse, Marshall moves the stealth Matchbox car under a desk and accesses the security system via modem. In the blink of an eye, Marshall brings down the whole system. The monitors go to snow. The guards are understandably confused. Marshall claims it'll take them weeks to get back online, maybe months. Back with the dancers, Syd's phone rings and she answers. Marshall tells her it's showtime, and Syd informs Sloane. "Well then," says Sloane, "I propose you make this fight look real." Syd wastes no time in smacking the hell out of him. Heh. She's been waiting a long time to do that, lemme tell you.

Mexico. The Elephants are enjoying a nice mid-afternoon jeep ride along a dusty Mexican road that appears to be filled with several tons of Tang. I mean, really. It's ORANGE. Suddenly, Vaughn stops the car and Killjoy says, "Oh, god, it's a boy." Looks like there's a boy on a bike lying on the road in front of them, as if he was hit by a car or something. They get out and go to him, but he's up in a flash, with no apparent injuries. He runs off with his bike. Vaughn tells his wife to get back in the car, but it's too late. A bunch of Mexican dudes come out of the woods with guns and tell them to get down on their knees. The main guy knocks Vaughn on the temple with his gun and tells him to keep his mouth shut. Then he dials his cell phone and tells someone that they have the Elephants.

And that's when we hear Jack's voice on the other end. He tells the Head Mexican Dude that his payment will be left in the confessional of some church, and that the Elephants are to be held for at least two hours and then set free. HMD tells his buds to get a move on, and they all grab the Elephants and haul ass. Over at The Jail of Soon-To-Be-Dead Tertiary Characters, Chavez y Chavez is watching as some shadowy figure hands a big wad of cash to the crooked cop from the beginning of the show. Crooked Cop walks out after handing someone a ring of keys. When the camera pans up, we see that it's Jack, and he is clearly up to no good. He walks over to the jail cell, and Chavez sees that he's clearly up to no good. Jack just looks coldly in at Chavez, and we flick off to black. We are all aware that Jack is clearly up to no good.

Oooh! I just love it when Spy Daddy's a murderous son of a bitch on behalf of his loving daughter. Yay! My father acted very much like Spy Daddy on occasion, only he didn't kill people. He just told me that Scott Russwick really shouldn't wear his baseball hat once he was invited inside the house and that if I brought home a boy with an earring, I could consider myself disinherited. Of course, when I brought home a boy with an earring who managed to tell my dad that his gravy sucked and offered a solution to the problem, my dad quickly forgot his "no earring" rule. Aw. Dads.

Commercials. Gothika looks super-cool. And I still love Geoffrey the Giraffe. And call me un-American, but the whole Jessica Lynch thing turns my stomach. I mean, I appreciate what she went through and how horrible it was and how wonderful it is that she survived, but between that damn Lifetime Television for Women and Gay Men after-school special and the bloody Diane Sawyer interview where Diane scrunches up her eyes and asks Jessica all about the sexual assault even though we SO don't need to know about that, I'm pretty much Jessica Lynched OUT, okay?

Random Chinese Ministry Bathroom Or Office. I think. I really have no idea what this room is or where it's located. Really. Syd enters quickly and locks the door. So I guess it isn't a bathroom. If it is, then there's gonna be hell to pay when someone has to pee. So, anyway, Syd slips out of her party dress and reveals a skintight sleeveless black catsuit. She shoves her dress under a desk or counter or something, and unfortunately, her hair is still sort of a disaster. I kind of like it, because it's messy and stuff, but it sure as hell ain't sleek. Syd gets on the horn and tells Marshall she's going in. Dix answers and tells her that the security systems are offline and she's cleared for entry. He reminds her to keep her face covered because she can't afford to be recognized. Syd pulls a skintight black facemask over her head so that only her eyes are visible. She's going with the ninja girl look here.

She exits whatever room she's in and moves into what is obviously the Chinese minister's office. She places her "cell phone" unit down on a desk and moves toward a cabinet that's against the wall. She checks the perimeter of the doors for explosive devices and finds none, then presses the inner corners of the doors and they pop open, just like any good media center doors purchased from Tar-Jay should. She opens the doors fully, revealing a safe within, and places a clock-like device on top of the lock mechanism. She presses a button, and the device unlocks the safe.

Syd opens the safe and checks for sensors within. She finds none. Inside the safe is a big gray case. Syd removes it and places it on the desk behind her. She opens the case and finds the maser unit. She pulls it out and disassembles the operational area. Then she grabs her "cell phone" unit and removes the back. Then she takes that little chip thing that's supposed to copy the corrupt OS out of the "phone" and places the "phone" itself into the maser. She hits "1" and tells Marshall that an uplink has been established. Marshall tells her to give him two seconds to corrupt the code.

Whew. That was one long-ass technogeek scene there. I'm spent. Sammy Rock? Can you get in here and rub Ms. Thang's shoulders? I'm all sorts of tense in here. What? What was that? What do you mean you're taking a soothing lavender spa bath? You're supposed to be looking after ME. I'm the one who's WORKING HERE. All you're doing isoh. You're naked. And waiting for me. Hmm. Yeah. The recap can wait. Sigh. Splash. Mmmm

Ahem. Suddenly, in the Security office, the guards regain momentary access to the security system. Their monitors flash a brief glimpse of Syd in the minister's office doing her dirty work. Marshall's all, uh-oh. Dixon's all, what in the fuck do you mean, "Uh-oh?" Marshall's all, um, I don't know how they did it, but they got their damn security system online again. Dix is all, can you get it back offline? Marshall's all, gimme two secs, okay? Two secs too late, Marshall. The security guards are heading towards Sydney. Dix gets on the horn and tells her she may have been compromised. "May have been"? WERE, okay? The guards are coming to her with guns fully loaded. There's really no "may have" about it.

Syd responds by asking Marshall how much longer he needs to corrupt the maser OS. Dix is all, get outta there now! "How long?" Syd yells. "Just gimme one minute," Marshall responds. Syd hears voices outside the door and grabs the curtain pull from around a curtain at the back of the room. She readies herself as the voices get louder. The Chinese guards enter, and Syd throws the curtain pull at the first one, confusing him, then knocks him into the guard behind him. Some serious kung-fu action ensues, which I would certainly recap if it weren't more important for me to make another champagne cocktail at the moment.

Oh, okay. I'll try to recap this fight. But I'll have you know that I'm making a great sacrifice by doing so. I mean, there is champagne in the house, courtesy of one Sam "My Boyfriend" Rockwell. And there is also kirsch in the house, also courtesy of Rocky McRockerton Rockwell. God, he knows me well. And we've only been dating a week or so. Well, by "dating," I mean "doing naughty things to each other on a regular basis." That being said, Julio? Mix us up a couple more troughs of champagne cocktails. There are, conservatively, thirty minutes left to this episode, and Mommy needs both fuel and fire, mmm-kay?

There are kicks. And throws. And kicks and throws. And I wish I could say that it was Jennifer Garner doing all this stunt work (because we all know she can), but because her face is hidden behind the skintight mask, I have no idea if it's her or her incredibly capable stunt double. The fighting itself is stellar. It takes place in a big open room, the entire thing is really well-lit, and the body hits are clearly established. I really can't complain. And I've seen Kill Bill, okay? This fight is wicked good.

One of the guards grabs a conveniently placed sword off the wall and goes after Syd with it. She reacts appropriately, dodging every swipe, and grabs something off the wall that looks like the arm of a Buddha or something. She goes after the sword guard with a passion and drops him like a sack of potatoes. The other guard comes after her, and she grabs a couple of those spiky hand swords Jennifer Garner found so handy during her stint on Daredevil. Syd goes to town on the two Chinese guards, and I'm sure I'm a totally nave individual, but I really believe that this is Jennifer Garner going to town on these two guards and not her stunt double. The wrist movements, the kicks -- they're all part and parcel of the character she played in Daredevil. If it's her stunt double doing this shit, then she has done her damn homework and deserves as many accolades as Jennifer Garner receives.

Syd drops the final guard by doing the same kind of backward flip-over kick she pulled during her first Francinator fight. Once he's down, she pulls off her mask and asks Marshall if he's done corrupting the OS. "Yeah," he says. "Go go go!" Hee. Syd grabs the "cell phone" device and gets the hell outta there. Both Marshall and Dixon breathe a well-earned sigh of relief.

Mexico. The Jail Of Dead Chavez. The door opens and Corrupt Cop enters, followed by Killjoy and Vaughn. They both look utterly exhausted. Corrupt Cop tells them that they are very lucky their captors let them go. He's all, you wanna file a report? Because highway crimes like this should not go unreported. Killjoy, having spent the last few hours sweating her way through her Kiehl's Superbly Efficient Anti-Perspirant & Deodorant Cream, is having none of it. She just leans against the counter and declares that she and her hubby would like to extradite Chavez y Chavez as soon as possible.

Corrupt Cop readily agrees and asks them to follow him to the prisoner area. As they approach, The Strings of Impending Doom and Destruction go into overdrive, because Chavez y Chavez is swinging from the rafters, a victim of suicide by hanging. Vaughn looks surprised. Killjoy looks sick. Corrupt Cop looks like he's earned his big wad of cash. He crosses himself and says, "Ay, dios mio." Vaughn wants to know who else has been to see Chavez since he's been in jail. "No one," says Corrupt Cop, lying through his Tang-coated teeth. "I am truly sorry you came all this way for nothing." Killjoy just looks at her husband. Vaughn looks back at her and introduces his wife to approximately fourteen new forehead wrinkles.

Limo of Undiscovered Secrets and Unlikely Alliances. Sloane and Syd are hanging out in the back of the limo. Syd pulls the chip out of the "cell phone" and hands it to Sloane, saying that it contains the corrupted version of the operating system, and that it's what he'll hand to the Covenant. "The Covenant will track it back to the Chinese prototype," she says, "which has also been corrupted. They won't suspect that you've betrayed them." "I see," says Sloane, touching the chip, turning it around in his fingers. "I wonder how many times your handler said something like that to you. Just before you were about to give me something like this." Syd, sitting to him, just looks out the window, her hand to her forehead, looking beautiful and not entirely happy about where she is at the moment. "A small object," Sloane continues, "of tremendous value, that I asked you to steal for SD-6." He puts the chip in his pocket. "Which you then rendered worthless in order to prevent its exploitation by the Alliance." "It happened on occasion," says Syd dryly, still looking out the window with her hand to her forehead.

"There was a time you trusted me," says Sloane, looking out his own window. "That was before I knew who you were," says Syd. "It was before I knew who I was." "Oh no," says Sloane. "It was more recent than that. The day you were found in Hong Kong. The day of your 'resurrection,' as it were." Sloane pulls an envelope from his inner jacket pocket. "This letter arrived at my office." He hands it to Syd. She takes it. He goes on to say that his analyst confirmed what he, Sloane, recognized instantly and what he's sure Syd will verify on her own: the handwriting on the envelope is hers. Syd looks at the envelope in her hands. It's addressed to Sloane. She opens the envelope and finds a smaller envelope with "For Sydney" on the front. Inside the envelope is a key and a piece of paper with a code written on it.

"I've never seen that code before," says Sloane. "I didn't want to offer it to anyone else. Unfortunately, I couldn't decipher it myself. And since those items were once in your possession, I thought you might want them back." Syd just turns the key around in her fingers a bit and contemplates what this bizarro key/code scenario really means. Well, I'm thinking that it means Julia Thorne is trying to contact Syd from way back when Syd was brainwashed to be Julia, but maybe that's just me. And can we just give a hallelujah to an episode that pretty much requires me to transcribe dialogue? Because, and I think you'll back me up on this, up until this episode, there are very few transcribed scenes in the recaps. The dialogue just didn't lend itself to transcription. This episode, however, is a very different story. As we're about to learn

Oops Center. Jack's looking through a file folder at some random desk. Vaughn storms past him and snaps, "Let's talk." "Of course," says Jack, acting cheerily oblivious. Heh. Heh heh heh. If there's a man on this planet less oblivious than Jack Bristow, I'd really appreciate him making an appearance at my apartment in the near future. No, Sam, you don't count. You're not oblivious to anything, including my scary granny panties that I wear, on occasion, when I'm feeling less than sexy. You found those damn things while rooting through my lingerie drawer, didn't you? Of course, you were looking for my garter belts and bustiers, which you found, but you also found the granny pants, didn't you? Yes, Sammy. You get the award. You're The Least Oblivious Man On The Planet. Happy now? Good. Go get me more champagne, then. I've got a recap to finish here.

So, Vaughn walks off with Spy Daddy following. The look on Vaughn's face is priceless, by the way; it's angry and vindictive and still extremely handsome. The look on Jack's face is calm, unconcerned, and not even remotely annoyed. Heh. This is gonna be good. Vaughn brings Jack into The Conference Room of Endless Expositions (I think) and says, "You killed [Chavez y Chavez], you son of a bitch!" Jack's all, you just returned from a very traumatic experience, Mr. Vaughn. You're highly emotional. So it's totally understandable that you might leap to that baseless accusation. Oh, and I think you're a dink for not searching for my daughter for the two years she was gone. Vaughn's all, yeah, I tend to get highly emotional when there's a GUN PRESSED TO MY WIFE'S TEMPLE. And I didn't search for Syd because she was DEAD, okay? Dead! You know, as in NOT BREATHING AND ASHES FLUNG OUT TO SEA? "Ours is a risky business," says Jack, moving toward the door. "Armed rebels take us hostage then let us go out of the kindness of their hearts?" says Vaughn, following Jack. "You didn't think I'd see through that?" Jack's all, yeah, well, I guess you both were graced by a stroke of luck, okay? Be thankful I didn't have both your asses iced down there in Mexico. Because, really, it's not like I'm not CAPABLE of shit like that, you know. Vaughn's supremely pissed off at this point and challenges Jack that Chavez, a man on the brink of bartering for his freedom, would have no reason to hang himself. Jack's all, hey, Chavez probably knew his days were numbered. "What part of this doesn't have a rational explanation?" Vaughn grabs the lapels of Jack's jacket and throws him up against the conference room doors. Oh. Not smart, dude. Not smart at all. "You EVER put my wife's life in danger again, I will KILL YOU!" Jack just glowers at him. "Then, perhaps," he spits out, "you finally understand the moral compromises you'll make when someone YOU love is in danger." Jack tosses Vaughn off him like the wet rag that he is and leaves the conference room. Vaughn looks after him as if his eyes are sub-machine guns and Jack's ass has a bright red bull's-eye painted on it.

Commercials. By the way, what is sexy? Because, according to Victoria's Secret, sexy is prepubescent models in really lacy underwear stalking down runways and showing people their asses. I'm not sure, but the last time I checked, "sexy" didn't involve starving yourself or getting boob jobs. But maybe that's just me. Also? If these ads are geared toward women, Victoria's Secret should really rethink their marketing strategy. I wear lingerie. What? I do! You know, when the occasion calls for it. But I certainly don't wear it down in a boiler room wherein big gusts of air push my hair around and make me, in general, look like a girl in distress, just waiting for her big man to help her escape from the prison of hot models in lingerie just like mine! I hate marketing. Which is saying a lot, since it's how I make my living.

Oops Center Parking Garage. If there is such a thing. Killjoy walks over to her car and opens the door and gets in. She puts the key in, turns it, and nothing happens. She gets out and pops the hood. She sees a little device of some sort (I have NO idea about car engines, okay? I just don't) and puts it back where she thinks it should go. We hear the sound of a gun hammer cocking and then a gun is placed to Killjoy's right ear. "Get in the car," says Billy Bob Thornton Sark, standing behind her. "Please." Killjoy replaces the hood of her car and gets into the driver's seat. Cassius Clay Sark gets in behind her and puts the gun back against her right ear.

"I've jammed the feed of the C.C. TV cameras," he says, "so let us speak freely. You know who I am?" "Yes," says Killjoy, looking at him in the rearview mirror. He's all, soyour investigation into the Lazarapolicious murder has hit a dead end, right? "What a pity," Dave Matthews Sark states. Killjoy's all, how in the HELL do you know about that? Gregory Peck Sark's all, oh, 'cuz I might have framed one of my dudes, Chavez y Chavez, hoping that, when he was captured, he'd give up the goods on my father's murderer. Killjoy's all, dude? This is the second time I've had a gun put to my head, and quite frankly, it's not really doing much for me, okay? I'm gonna assume that, if you wanted me dead, I'd be dead already, so if you have something to tell me, spit it the fuck out or get the HELL outta my car, mmm-kay? Heh. I don't quite mind the OmniAccent here, primarily because the OmniAccent is actually full-on Aussie at the moment and Melissa George is looking at David Anders like, "You gonna go? Huh? You gonna go? Because I am ALL sorts of ready for you, BRIT BOY."

Simon Le Bon Sark reaches over to him and picks up a hard cover dossier. He tosses it into the front seat. "A wedding present," he says. "A touch informal, I know, but everything else on your registry was taken." Killjoy breathes heavily. And not in the good way. "Open it," says Andy Taylor Sark. Killjoy grabs the dossier and opens it. Inside she finds several photos. She looks at Roger Taylor Sark in the rearview mirror and asks, "Where did you get these?" "Where is not important," says Nick Rhodes Sark. "What is important is 'who.'" Killjoy pages through the pictures. "Her name is Julia Thorne," says John Taylor Sark. "Merely an alias. She goes by another name. A name you're quite familiar with." As he says this, Killjoy comes upon a close-up of Julia that can only be Sydney herself. "Oh my god," Killjoy says. "Now you should understand why I've risked coming to you like this," says Duran Duran Sark. "I recently learned that Sydney Bristow murdered a father I never had the chance to know."

Killjoy keeps looking at all the pictures. "I suspect you have your own reasons for disliking her," says Boy George Sark. "Therefore, I am confident that you'll relay this information to the appropriate parties." Anthony Michael Sark kicks open the passenger door. "By the way, I've rigged a weight-sensitive charge to the underside of this vehicle." Killjoy glances back at him in a panic. "Once I leave you," he says, "I'll activate it. If you attempt to get out of the car before thirty minutes has elapsed, the charge will detonate." Killjoy doesn't respond. Judd Nelson Sark, still holding his gun to Killjoy's temple, just smiles. "It has been a pleasure, Miss Reed." He gets out of the car and walks in front of it. He looks at Killjoy and presses a button on some remote device he has in his hand. Something beneath the car beeps and clicks. Stephen "Tin Tin" Duffy Sark walks away, stuffing the remote device into the pocket of his black duster coat.

Then we're repeating the animated opening sequence of colors and reds and greens and blues and angels and confusion. Suddenly, Syd wakes up. She's gasping and grasping for a hold on her current reality. She's on a CIA jet, and her cell phone is ringing. Syd gets it together and picks up. Spy Daddy is on the other end. He's all, you okay? Honey? You sound upset? Syd's all, um, yeah, fine, I'm fine. I mean, other than the fact that I'm dreaming about colors and angels and tubes coming out of me, I am so totally fine. She asks Jack if he received her transmission. He did. He's all, Sloane gave you a key which he claims was sent to him some time before you woke up in Hong Kong. Syd's all, yeah, his claim was pretty damn convincing. "It was written in my handwriting," she says.

"The ciphertext as well?" asks Jack. "Yes, why?" asks Syd. "Remember when I told you that during the time you were missing, I contacted your mother?" asks Jack. "That ciphertext was encoded using a method she devised." "What does this mean?" asks Syd. "That I was in contact with Mom during the two years I was gone?" "If that's true," says Jack, "she failed to mention it during our last communication." Syd looks out her window. "Can you break the code?" she asks her father. He's all, oh yeah, sure. I learned the code from your mom last year. It's an address in Rome, baby. "1124 Piazza Barbarini. The penthouse apartment. Does that mean anything to you?" Jack asks. Syd says no, it don't mean nothin' to her. Jack says that he had a local contact pull up the property record. The apartment was purchased a year ago, and the buyer chose to remain anonymous. "Get some rest," he says. "When you get back, you and I will go to Rome together." "Okay," says Syd, unsure of just who and where she is.

Garage of Marital Difficulties. Vaughn runs in. He sees the yellow tape everywhere, but he doesn't see his wife. Until he looks to the right. There she is, standing to a concrete slab. He runs over to her. They hug. He wants to know if she's okay. She tells him she's fine. "Did he hurt you?" Vaughn asks, still holding her in his arms. She shakes her head. "No," she says as they separate. "But I'm really super-jealous of his awesome accent. How does he DO that?" Vaughn runs his hand down her face. "I am so sorry," he says. "We'll find him. And I don't know. I think David Anders is like an accent wunderkind or something. He's genius, ain't he?" Killjoy just looks at him. "He told me Julia Thorne is really Sydney Bristow." Vaughn kind of steps back. Killjoy chokes on her tears. "I wasn't sure if you knew," she says. "Now I know."

Vaughn pulls her away from the crime scene, telling her that he was ordered not to say anything. She's all, whose orders? He's all, Dixon's. She's all, Dixon knows? And Jack, Weiss, everyone? They all know and I DON'T? Vaughn's all, that is SO not the point! Killjoy's all, oh, but that is PRECISELY the point, dillweed! Everyone at that office has been keeping secret from the NSC the ONE THING that I have been desperately trying to learn! "How long have you known?" Killjoy asks. "Three weeks," answers her husband.

Killjoy's all, THREE WEEKS? For three goddamn weeks you've been trying to derail my investigation. That's great. That's just fucking great. Okay. No blowjobs for you in the near future. Really. I'm not kidding. No. NOT KIDDING. Vaughn's all, Sydney doesn't remember a lick of it! Really! She remembers nothing! Killjoy's all, do NOT defend her to me, okay? Vaughn's all, but I'm just trying to tell you why Dixon -- Killjoy jumps in. "I am your wife! You kept Sydney's secret from me. You protected Sydney over ME! Something I refuse to do with you!" "It's not that simple!" shouts Vaughn. "Do you still love her?" asks moderately insecure Killjoy. "Dammit, that's not what this is about!" says Vaughn. "She is not my wife! You can't punish her for the fact that she and I had a past! If you report this to [Head], [Killjoy], he's gonna wanna know everything she did over those two years." "As well he should," says Killjoy, acting more and more like the vengeful wife. Vaughn's all, the only way to access her memory is through DANGEROUS INVASIVE PROCEDURES -- Killjoy cuts in, saying that she's aware of the DIP, but none of those would be forced upon a U.S. agent.

Vaughn's all, dude? Are you even aware of just who in the hell Lazaramopolis was? He was a goddamn Russian diplomat, okay? All Head has to do is form an extradition agreement with the Russians, and Syd will be shipped to Moscow where she has NO RIGHTS AS AN AMERICAN. Okay? You getting this now, you thick piece of Australian beef jerky? Head will run the DIP in Moscow, okay? Killjoy's all, Head would NOT do that, okay? She's a CIA operative! Vaughn's all, dude? THINK ABOUT IT. You know better than anyone that Head will not hesitate to break the rules. "If he learns about this, Sydney --" Vaughn looks at his wife. Killjoy kind of purses her lips. "Oh my god, [Killjoy]," he says, "you already reported her." "You followed your orders," says Killjoy, "I followed mine." Vaughn runs off. "Michael!" she calls. Vaughn doesn't answer.

Meanwhile, at an airport of no known location, Syd's plane lands. She enters the airport and walks toward the exit, her carry-on case and duster coat firmly intact. As Syd approaches the exit, her cell phone rings. She answers it. "Sydney, it's me," says Vaughn. "Don't go home. The NSC knows everything. Meet me at Terminal One, I'll explain everything once I pick you up."

Vaughn's Car of Implicit Spy Lurve. Syd's all, how in the HELL did the NSC find out? Vaughn's all, yeah, Sark kind of maybe sort of told Killjoy. Syd's all, SARK TOLD LAUREN? Vaughn's all, yeah, whatever -- I have a plane waiting at Dover airfield. It'll take you anywhere, but you have to tell me where you wanna go. And it really should be somewhere you know well, so you can disappear. Syd's all, dude? If the NSC wants to find me, they will. Oh, and, by the way, I was, apparently, someone else for two goddamn years! I already DISA-FUCKIN'-PPEARED, mmm-kay? So, what? I'm gonna go somewhere else and spend the rest of my life in hiding? "Between that and a lobotomy, there isn't a choice," snaps Vaughn. "I can't keep running forever," says Syd. "I'll do everything I can to make sure you won't have to," he responds. Syd just looks at him. "Rome," she says. "I'm going to Rome." Vaughn picks up his cell phone.

Airfield of Wayward Lovers. Vaughn's car pulls up. Vaughn and Syd get out, Vaughn saying, "Grazie, Don Carlo," into his cell phone as he exits. Syd opens the back door to get her stuff, and Vaughn makes his way around the car to her. "There's a caf at the corner of Villa del Corso and Villa con Dante -- Caf Ruby. There's a pay phone with a false bottom. You'll find money and a new passport." "Good thing I'm already packed," says Syd, trying to put a bright face on a tarnished penny. "You should go," says Vaughn, clearly wanting to kiss her. Syd pauses. "Vaughn," she says, looking at him, "why are you doing this? My life is already a disaster. Now yours is too." Her eyes are ripe with tears. "What happened between us," Vaughn says, "everythingthe way it isisn't anyone's fault, Sydney." He takes a really good look at her and she at him. "And even though everything's changed," he says, "some thingsdon't." Syd starts crying in earnest. We're talking tears flowing and snot blossoming, okay? "I'm not gonna lose you twice," he says. They hug, and it's as heartfelt a hug as any from the first or second season. There's clutching and mauling and really, can they just get back together and save us all the damn angst?

They pull back from each other, and there's that moment. You know the one I'm talking about. The one where you're sort of close enough to kiss and all anyone has to do is just lean a little in the right direction and BOOM! You're making out. But that doesn't happen here because Syd finally pulls away and they kind of look at each other, both knowing that they're destined to be together, have always been destined to be together, and this is just a momentary hitch in the cog of their wheels. Syd looks at Vaughn. "Thank you," she says, barely containing her weeping. She smiles brightly at him, then runs off to catch her plane to Rome as Vaughn looks down at a really interesting spot on the tarmac.

Rome. I wish I could make pithy comments about this city, but I can't. Know why? Because Syd's just about to get thisclose to discovering Julia, mmm-kay? In an elevator, somewhere in Rome, Syd gets out on a floor. She moves down a hall and passes a dude that I am SO sure is a plant from the NSC or some other government agency. How do I know? Because, about two seconds after he passes Syd, he goes down a staircase and looks back at her significantly. That's not a random dude, dudes. That's a plant of some sort. I'm just sayin'.

Oops Center. Dix is telling Vaughn that Syd didn't check in this morning and that she's not answering her cell phone. "Do you know where she is?" Dix asks Vaughn. "I don't know," says Vaughn, looking at Jack, who happens to be standing right to him. Killjoy enters, wearing a v-necked black sweater and black pants. I mention her outfit only because, in every episode, the girl has looked like a nun on sabbatical. Now, she looks all sorts of rrrrwar! I think it's significant because Killjoy's about to kick some ass. She comes up to their little trio, and with a cursory glance at her husband, asks Dix to speak with her in private.

Dix and Killjoy head off to Dix's office, but only after Killjoy can channel some hate toward her husband via her eyes. Jack turns to Vaughn. He's all, the NSC knows that Syd murdered Lazariciouslybeautiful, don't they? "I presume you're the one who helped her disappear last night," Jack says. Vaughn says nothing. "Tell me," says Jack, "what else are you willing to do to see Sydney through this?" Vaughn kind of looks off into a corner of the room. No inspiration comes to him, so he just says, "What did you have in mind?" Heh. Heh heh. This is gonna get good.

Dix's office. Dix and Killjoy enter. He invites her to sit. She declines. Dix moves around to his desk. Killjoy's all, dude? You've always been direct and fair with me, okay? Which is why I take no pleasure in what I'm about to say. "Under authority of the National Security Council," she says, "[Head] has instructed me to relieve you of your duty as director of this task force until he arrives to assume control." Dix is all, on what grounds, you mangy bitch? "Obstruction of justice," she smartly answers. "Willingly conspiring to impede an international investigation into the murder of Andrean Lazarey." Dix looks extremely uncomfortable. "I have photographic evidence that Sydney Bristow was his killer," Killjoy says. "We've learned you knew about this for some time." "It is within my purview to compartmentalize information, [Killjoy]," says Dix. "If [Head] has issue with that, he can take it up with the Director of Central Intelligence." "He has," says Killjoy. "Feel free to call D.C.I. yourself for confirmation. Though I suspect your phone will be ringing any moment." Dix stands tall. "These premises are to be locked down until [Head] arrives with federal agents," says Killjoy. "That means until such time, nobody leaves." "I take it you have Sydney in custody," says Dix. "Not yet," says Killjoy. "But we know where she is." See? I told you that dude in the hallway was NSC.

Back in Rome, Syd's putting the key from the envelope into the keyhole of a door. The lock opens, and the door swings wide. Syd enters, her hand instinctually going to a light switch just inside the foyer. Syd looks surprised at the easy way her hand found the light switch. She moves into the apartment, shutting the door behind her. The apartment is lovely, full of graceful lamps and easy furniture. Syd caresses a weird statue in the living room and moves quickly on, touching the dust on her fingers. Finally, she makes her way to the bedroom. Once there, she tosses off her coat and shoes and lies down on the bed, caressing the pillow before she does so. She closes her eyes and

hears wings flapping above her. Syd looks up and sees dozens of birds flapping their wings outside the skylight above her bed. She also sees the angel figure from her dreams. Only this time, it's attached to a church. And not surrounded by weird colors or animation. The angel figure seems to fall down upon her. Syd gets up and goes to the bathroom. She splashes her face with water from the tap. Then, looking at the mirror, she realizes there's a medicine cabinet behind it. She opens the mirrored door and peeks inside. There's a prescription bottle in there. Syd grabs it and looks at the label. Unfortunately, all it says is "Julia Thorne" and a drug name that greatly resembles erythromycin. In short? It's an antibiotic, people.

But just the drug bottle with Julia Thorne's name on it freaks Syd the fuck out. She opens the cabinet back up, looking for something, then closes it, only to be grabbed from behind by some Italian SWAT team dude. He drags her out into the main room, another one of his buddies joins him in the dragging-out duties, and they both throw her down onto the carpet. Handcuffs appear. Syd's hands are handcuffed behind her back as one of the Italian SWAT team dudes declare some seriously bad shit in Italian. Syd just looks at the warp and weave of the carpet and wonders when in the HELL she can go get a gelato.

on Alias: Your recapper gets a well-earned break while the kids from Oops Center take a week off. Don't worry. The show will be back the following Sunday. Don't freak out or anything.