Ten Things I Learned While Watching Alias:
- Vaughn still loves Syd.
- Melissa George has not been instructed as to just what country she's from; otherwise, what's up with the crap-o-licious accent?
- Kevin Weisman can play drums, but that's still no reason to have him DO IT ON THE SHOW FOR NO GODDAMN REASON.
- Merrin Dungey is pretty, but not when she's wearing hideous blue eyeshadow.
- With every episode, we get further and further from the truth about Sydney's Lost Years instead of closer, which is REALLY ANNOYING.
- You can get shot three times, twice in the chest, and still live to tell about it.
- Sloane's addicted to Rambaldi Love Juice.
- Michael Vartan looks really good in standard-issue blue boxers.
- No matter how hard they try, no matter how many secret missions they send her on, no matter how close she gets to finding out that Syd killed Lazaranapietref, the character of Lauren Reed is STILL annoying and unnecessary.
- Victor Garber is apparently no longer on the show, because three seconds of screen time does not a compelling character make.
We open on a scene from 10, with Bo Derek bouncing her way downhey, wait a minute! That's Syd! Jogging through some random Hell-Lay park, and wow, her boobs are bouncy! They're so bouncy that they're bouncing in perfect time to the Jet tune playing over Syd's iPod. She comes to a halt at some point, her breasts obviously needing a minute or two to regain their elasticity. Syd? I have three words for you: Middle-Aged Hang. Okay? I'm 34, and if I ever ran like you do, my boobs would be down to my knees by now. I'm just sayin', a good sports bra ain't hard to find, mmm-kay?
Syd bends over a drinking fountain, but before she can grab a drop, we hear Sloane saying, "Hello, Sydney." Okay, A) why's he not back in Zurich and B) DON'T DRINK FROM PUBLIC WATER FOUNTAINS. Just don't. Trust me on this. Syd looks up all, what in the hell do you want, Satan Sloane? Sloane, holding his own personal water bottle, just moves toward Syd and tells her that the Covenant is about to make a move. Syd's like, uh, dude? Pass your intel through my ex-boyfriend's wife, okay? That's protocol. Sloane just looks at Syd and is like, yeah, well, she's able and all, but there's no way in hell she can understand what it's like to serve two masters simultaneously. Okay, that SO doesn't sound right. Even paraphrased.
"You were brilliant at it," he explains. "The way you would walk into my office, look me in the eyes and lie to me" He just looks at Sydney here, and she just sort of acknowledges what he's saying. It's just two equal players meeting on an open field here, people. Sloane goes on to say, "For me to succeed in my new work as a double agent for the Covenant, I'll need your help." "Your needs don't concern me," twits Syd, obviously under the impression that Sloane's NOT in control here. Heh. "You'll find the details on toureurope.eu. It's encoded in the photo of the Vatican. Password is 'Credit Dauphine.' For old times' sake." Syd's all, oh how very clever of you, you freakin' sociopath.
Satan Sloane, obviously with me on this whole "don't drink from public water fountains" thing, just looks blithely at her as he untwists the cap from his own personal water bottle and takes a long drink. Dude. That is SO Rambaldi Juice in there, okay? Or else Sloane's got a dehydration problem we're all not aware of. He wipes his mouth and looks around. "I miss L.A.," he says. "I miss Emily. I miss the friendship with your father. I miss your confidence and trust. Perhaps I can get it back someday? Hm?" Oh, man. Did I miss Ron Rifkin. I mean, yeah. He's been in the last few eps, but DUDES, he is so stellar in this scene. In just this moment, he totally makes you believe that he is not an evil bastard. He misses his wife? Yeah. Totally believe that. Misses his friendship with Jack? Yeah. Bought that too. Misses fucking with Syd? You know, in the non-sexual way? Sold, bought and purchased, my friends. God, he's good.
To Jennifer Garner's credit, she delivers this Syd speech in a way that makes me go, "Awww, yeah. Syd's BACK and she's dead ON!" Syd says, "You will never have my confidence and trust. Or my father's friendship and respect. Ever." Sloane just lopsidedly grins at her, making us all think that A) Sloane is actually immortal or something because, dude, he KNOWS something and B) he really does have an innate affection for her that he himself sees as fatherly, even though it's about as "fatherly" in the sense of "killing and eating your young."
Hockey Rink of Male Bonding. Vaughn's fully suited up in a hockey uniform and shooting pucks into Hockey-Suited Agent Sean's goal. And not in the HoYay! sense, but more in the "What in the fuck is Vaughn doing exercising when last week he was stabbed and in a fucking COMA" sense. I'm serious. Last week he could barely breathe and Killjoy was all up in Syd's kitchen about stabbing him, and now he's slipping across the ice without a hiccup? Hello? Unless this is some sort of vaunted physical therapy, then I am seriously cheesed off about this jump in logic. I mean, Vaughn's not only fully recovered, he's totally kicking Sean's ass. He's also acting incredibly aggressive and inexplicably angry. Sean finally gets to the bottom of it when Vaughn bursts out that he's had to lie to his wife for three weeks and he hates it.