The Bitch Is Back

Ten Things I Learned While Watching Alias:

1. Vaughn still loves Syd.
2. Melissa George has not been instructed as to just what country she's from; otherwise, what's up with the crap-o-licious accent?
3. Kevin Weisman can play drums, but that's still no reason to have him DO IT ON THE SHOW FOR NO GODDAMN REASON.
4. Merrin Dungey is pretty, but not when she's wearing hideous blue eyeshadow.
5. With every episode, we get further and further from the truth about Sydney's Lost Years instead of closer, which is REALLY ANNOYING.
6. You can get shot three times, twice in the chest, and still live to tell about it.
7. Sloane's addicted to Rambaldi Love Juice.
8. Michael Vartan looks really good in standard-issue blue boxers.
9. No matter how hard they try, no matter how many secret missions they send her on, no matter how close she gets to finding out that Syd killed Lazaranapietref, the character of Lauren Reed is STILL annoying and unnecessary.
10. Victor Garber is apparently no longer on the show, because three seconds of screen time does not a compelling character make.

We open on a scene from 10, with Bo Derek bouncing her way down…hey, wait a minute! That's Syd! Jogging through some random Hell-Lay park, and wow, her boobs are bouncy! They're so bouncy that they're bouncing in perfect time to the Jet tune playing over Syd's iPod. She comes to a halt at some point, her breasts obviously needing a minute or two to regain their elasticity. Syd? I have three words for you: Middle-Aged Hang. Okay? I'm 34, and if I ever ran like you do, my boobs would be down to my knees by now. I'm just sayin', a good sports bra ain't hard to find, mmm-kay?

Syd bends over a drinking fountain, but before she can grab a drop, we hear Sloane saying, "Hello, Sydney." Okay, A) why's he not back in Zurich and B) DON'T DRINK FROM PUBLIC WATER FOUNTAINS. Just don't. Trust me on this. Syd looks up all, what in the hell do you want, Satan Sloane? Sloane, holding his own personal water bottle, just moves toward Syd and tells her that the Covenant is about to make a move. Syd's like, uh, dude? Pass your intel through my ex-boyfriend's wife, okay? That's protocol. Sloane just looks at Syd and is like, yeah, well, she's able and all, but there's no way in hell she can understand what it's like to serve two masters simultaneously. Okay, that SO doesn't sound right. Even paraphrased.

"You were brilliant at it," he explains. "The way you would walk into my office, look me in the eyes and lie to me…" He just looks at Sydney here, and she just sort of acknowledges what he's saying. It's just two equal players meeting on an open field here, people. Sloane goes on to say, "For me to succeed in my new work as a double agent for the Covenant, I'll need your help." "Your needs don't concern me," twits Syd, obviously under the impression that Sloane's NOT in control here. Heh. "You'll find the details on toureurope.eu. It's encoded in the photo of the Vatican. Password is 'Credit Dauphine.' For old times' sake." Syd's all, oh how very clever of you, you freakin' sociopath.

Satan Sloane, obviously with me on this whole "don't drink from public water fountains" thing, just looks blithely at her as he untwists the cap from his own personal water bottle and takes a long drink. Dude. That is SO Rambaldi Juice in there, okay? Or else Sloane's got a dehydration problem we're all not aware of. He wipes his mouth and looks around. "I miss L.A.," he says. "I miss Emily. I miss the friendship with your father. I miss your confidence and trust. Perhaps I can get it back someday? Hm?" Oh, man. Did I miss Ron Rifkin. I mean, yeah. He's been in the last few eps, but DUDES, he is so stellar in this scene. In just this moment, he totally makes you believe that he is not an evil bastard. He misses his wife? Yeah. Totally believe that. Misses his friendship with Jack? Yeah. Bought that too. Misses fucking with Syd? You know, in the non-sexual way? Sold, bought and purchased, my friends. God, he's good.

To Jennifer Garner's credit, she delivers this Syd speech in a way that makes me go, "Awww, yeah. Syd's BACK and she's dead ON!" Syd says, "You will never have my confidence and trust. Or my father's friendship and respect. Ever." Sloane just lopsidedly grins at her, making us all think that A) Sloane is actually immortal or something because, dude, he KNOWS something and B) he really does have an innate affection for her that he himself sees as fatherly, even though it's about as "fatherly" in the sense of "killing and eating your young."

Hockey Rink of Male Bonding. Vaughn's fully suited up in a hockey uniform and shooting pucks into Hockey-Suited Agent Sean's goal. And not in the HoYay! sense, but more in the "What in the fuck is Vaughn doing exercising when last week he was stabbed and in a fucking COMA" sense. I'm serious. Last week he could barely breathe and Killjoy was all up in Syd's kitchen about stabbing him, and now he's slipping across the ice without a hiccup? Hello? Unless this is some sort of vaunted physical therapy, then I am seriously cheesed off about this jump in logic. I mean, Vaughn's not only fully recovered, he's totally kicking Sean's ass. He's also acting incredibly aggressive and inexplicably angry. Sean finally gets to the bottom of it when Vaughn bursts out that he's had to lie to his wife for three weeks and he hates it.

Agent Sean, who apparently used to discuss problems such as this with his brother, just pipes up that he knows lots of guys who lie to their wives for much longer than three weeks. Vaughn's all, oh, nice one. You do understand why you and your brother no longer talk, right? You are batting zero for three in the whole "boosting morale with pithy sentiments" department, dude. First that damn elephant toast, then the "Somebody die?" snafu on the plane, and now this? Do us all a favor, man -- when something pops into your head, make sure you run it past your inner proofreader as well as the entire office of standards and practices before you let it slip past your lips, okay? Jesus.

So, whatever, The Hockey Game of Former Coma Patients and Their Best Male Buds continues as Sean tries to rationalize Vaughn's radio silence by reminding him that he was ordered not to talk to her about Lazarothberg's murder and it's not his fault. Vaughn's all, yeah, and it ain't her fault that she was ordered to look into the murder, right? I'm keeping her from doing her job. Oh, yawn. Who gives a shit? He's guilty. She's gonna find out Syd did it. Then she's gonna find out that Vaughn's been protecting Sydney all along instead of telling his wife the truth and it's going to break them up. Then Vaughn and Syd can do the nasty like we've been wanting them to ALL SEASON.

Sean's all, see? This is why people from the CIA should not marry people from the NSC. "Don't poop where you sleep," he snits. Which is, you know, true and funny but, uh, are we forgetting that Vaughn supposedly WASN'T CIA when he met Lauren? Or, like, when did he meet her? Because Syd died, Vaughn talked to her ghost in Budapest or something, THEN he was deposed by the Great Eyebrow Monster? So, like, was he still CIA? When did he become a professor? I just…I'M CONFUSED. Oh, fuck it. Vaughn knocks the puck into Sean's crotch and skates off, leaving Sean in a crumpled, ball-throbbing mess on the ice.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Strassburg, also known as "Strasbourg," Aloysius Sark is getting some intel on a guy named "Lange" from a guy who looks kind of like a scruffier Peter Facinelli. The Peter dude tells Gregor Sark that he has to perform some sort of extraction on this Lange dude. Rafaelo Sark's all, yeah, yeah, yeah, are the details in this envelope or what? Peter's all, nah. But your partner's been briefed. Sampson Sark's all, oh ho ho! I don't THINK so, my man! I work alone, got it? Peter's all, bite me, Crispian.

And yes, before you ask, I'm trying out some first names for Sark. Because I honestly don't believe we're ever going to find it out. I really don't. I think Sark's name is going to be the equivalent of Norm's imaginary wife or Karen's imaginary fat husband. So far, I'm leaning toward Gregor. Because it's really, really stupid.

Conference Room of Endless Expositions. Dix is filling us in on the latest bogus plot device. Looks like Sloane's intel informed the CIA that the Covenant is after a device that will give them access to Russia's arsenal, and that device was designed by some truly ugly dude by the name of Robert Lange. He is really and truly fugly, people. A nose like a squashed tomato, Lange has. And cheek craters you could park a Mitsubishi in. Not winning any Mr. Universe pageants in the near future, is this Lange dude.

Oh, wait! Shhh. Spy Daddy's shown up for his requisite two-second expository dialogue scene. Silence! Jack says that Lange was contracted to develop a test that could detect security flaws in the Russian nuclear control and command system. Now it's Marshall's turn to do what he does best: ANNOY ME. He gibbers and gabbers and finally, thankfully, Sydney pipes up with her own synopsis of just what in the hell Lange designed: "It's a skeleton key for Russia's nuclear weapons." Wow. Took Syd eight words, and it took Marshall approximately FOURTEEN HOURS. God. GOD.

Killjoy wants to know if the device was ever delivered to the Covenant. Shh. Jack's up again. And this time he has more than TEN WORDS. Lange didn't hand the device over and went undercover instead so that the Covenant wouldn't get it. Dix informs everyone that the picture they're looking at of Lange is old, and that he's had reconstructive surgery since. Well, I certainly HOPE so. Good lord. His nose is just…wrong. In fact, it's so wrong that Wendy Kroy and Rona were convinced that no one in the room was actually looking at the nose because it was so huge and bulbous that they just couldn't deal with it. "That nose is so huge, it interferes with the damn security system," crowed Wendy in my ear last night. "Reconstructive surgery MY ASS. That man needed an Extreme Makeover."

So, anyway, Fugly Lange's supposed to meet with some Strauss dude at a club in Milan in order to pick up new identity papers. Jack reminds everyone that the Covenant probably wants to grab Lange and the skeleton key. Dix orders Vaughn and Syd to get to Lange before the Covenant does. The meeting disperses, and Dix asks Syd and Killjoy to stay behind. Looks like it's time for Bogus Plot Device Moment #8,772. Dix orders Syd to take over as Sloane's handler. Syd doesn't like it. Neither does Killjoy. Dix, with literally NO emotion whatsoever, just tells Syd that she's more familiar with the players, and then drops the bomb that Francinator is still alive. Syd's all, that bitch? Still alive? Man. Now I'm gonna have to kill her. Again. Some MORE.

We cut back to Strassburg as Theodosius Sark is getting kicked out of The Van of Covenant Dealings. "You can thank me later," snarks Peter. The van speeds off, and Xavier Sark turns to look at the black car in front of him. And, yes, David Anders can wear a black turtleneck and black anorak like nobody's business. The door to the car opens up, and a pair of mighty nice legs exits and makes their way toward Bartholomew Sark. He just stares really hard. And that's when we see why he's staring really hard. It's Francinator, sporting some rather terrifying hair and even more terrifying BLUE EYESHADOW. She's eeeeevil. Eeeeevil people don't wear blue eyeshadow! They wear eeeeevil dark eyeshadow and red lipstick! Give her a nice charcoal dusting and some Vamp lip-gloss, for god's sake! Blue eyeshadow belongs on a beauty queen from 1968, all right? God. GOD.

Francinator, even while modeling the latest in bad shadow colors, still manages to look damn good. Especially considering she was DEAD the last time we saw her. Drayden Sark seems to like what he sees too, because he lays a nice wet one on her the instant she walks up to him. "You look like you've seen a ghost," she sneers. Then she smiles at him as the expression on his face says, um, I think I AM seeing a ghost, baby. Let's make out some more, though. We can talk about the dead thing later.

Dance, everybody, dance! And whatever you do, don't go to McDonald's. Why? Because that new commercial sucks ASS. "I'm lovin' it!" What does that even MEAN? I'm a copywriter and I can't believe someone came UP with that shit. I have no idea which person on the client side at McDonald's went, "Yeah, I hate everything except THAT concept. That one I love. I'm lovin' it! So hip. So cool. So…NOW." Gah.

Back from the break, we're naked. We'll, WE'RE not naked, but Walden Sark and Francinator are. Please. Take a moment and enjoy the sight that is David Anders's left bicep. Sigh. And his naked back. Yum. Unfortunately, the Exposition Fairy stumbles into the room just then and trips over an ottoman. Floyd Sark wants to know what happened to his girlfriend for the two years she was missing. The Exposition Fairy, snacking on the remains of the strawberries and champagne that Dieter Sark ordered up from room service, just shouts, "Will found out the truth. So Francinator offed him. Syd found out the truth. So they had a bitchin' girl fight. Then Syd shot the shit outta Francinator. Buh-bye, Francinator. Oh, hell. Just read the recap. Or, better yet, WATCH THE DAMN FLASHBACK, WILL YA?"

So, back in the past, after being shot a few times too many, Francinator passed out, and when she came to, it was three weeks later and she was in a Covenant hospital outside Marseilles. "I've been working with them ever since," she mercifully finishes. Otis Sark's all, were you behind my extraction from the CIA? She's all, no, baby. I just found out you were working with us. Viktor Sark's all, my tenure began shortly after my father's murder. Wait, what? Wasn't his father murdered during the Lost Years? And wasn't he just extracted recently to get the Covenant his father's money? Um, what? So, was his father murdered recently and that's why he was extracted? Or is the script continuity person on vacation in Bali and unreachable for comment? I mean, WHAT?

Francinator wants to know who killed his father. Bruno Sark's all, I dunno, dude. But I intend to find out. Then he looks down at her scars and declares that Sydney Bristow should have to pay for each and every one of them. He starts kissing them. Mmmm. That's kind of wrong, but sort of in the dirty and nasty way. Francinator's all, oh, she will pay. SHE WILL PAY. Then they start making out in earnest. Sigh. If only scars and bruises really turned on the opposite sex. My boyfriends usually take one look at my out-of-control shin bruises and go, "Ew! Dude! Wear knee socks to bed, okay? God! GOD!"

Hey! It's that observatory thingy they used to show all the time when Vaughn and Syd met secretly during Season One. Ah, Season One. How I miss you. Unfortunately, when we close in on the park, it's Killjoy and Head who are meeting secretly, not Vaughn and Syd. Killjoy tells Head that she's no longer Sloane's handler. Head, instead of being pissed off, just tells her that this a good thing, since it frees her up to concentrate on the Lazarinio murder. Um. Why aren't they looking directly at each other in this scene? Don't they both still work for the NSC? Isn't he technically still her superior? Wouldn't it be, say, LEGAL for them to meet? I mean, LOOK AT EACH OTHER ALREADY! Yeah, it's not too OBVIOUS or anything that they're talking to each other ANYWAY. Like, they're SITTING RIGHT ON TOP OF EACH OTHER. This is just…I don't know…God. GOD.

Head tells her that the NSC has a source inside the Russian government who's going to help them out. While the source doesn't have the murderer's identity, he does have info that could lead them to the killer. Killjoy's all, um, if he's Russian, why doesn't he just hand the info over to the Russians and let them handle it? Head's all, 'cuz the Covenant prolly has people high up in the Russian government and something something something -- what? No, really. What? I totally didn't understand this part, and I had to watch it three times AND reread the captions. Oh, whatever. Killjoy gets to go on a mission of her own, and just for added shits and giggles, she can't tell her hubby about it. D'oh! Bogus Plot Device #9,916, ready and waiting!

Bedroom of Deep-Seated Marital Difficulties and Really Attractive Lingerie. Vaughn's packing for his non-secret trip. Killjoy enters in her adorable little black lacy things and starts packing for her way-secret trip. Blah blah blah, can't believe Head assigned you to a security briefing. Yada yada yada, I know, but I couldn't exactly say no, could I? Bling blam blooey, don't I have some killer abs? Flim flam flotsam, totally and did you even notice how I slipped back into a full-on Aussie accent right there? Clip clap cooler, you know, I did notice that! What the HELL, dude? Ring rang ruckus, oh, whatever, look at my boobs in this bra. And when we get back from our respective trips, we need to get away from here and make with some serious lovin', okay? And I promise to leave my OmniAccent behind.

Moscow. Or, you know, Backlot 32 at Disney. Killjoy's dressed to the nines and meeting with what looks like Patrick Bergin from that bad Julia Roberts movie, Sleeping With the Enemy. I'm convinced it's him, but he looks so bloated and creepy that I'm doubting myself. He's the Russian source, apparently, and also, apparently, work is scarce in Britain right now for aging Irish actors. Lord. So anyway, Bergin asks how a British woman wound up being an American spy. Killjoy's all, I was born in America and I grew up in Britain and my nanny was Australian and I spent summers in Mexico and winters in Florida and I HAVE NO ACCENT SKILLS WHATSOEVER. Because, see, her accent is AUSTRALIAN. It's not British, it's not American, and it's not even generic European. IT'S AUSTRALIAN. So, like, just let her BE Australian and don't shove in a line in the middle of an episode that makes her from LONDON. It makes no goddamn sense, and she could just as easily have grown up in AUSTRALIA. God. GOD.

Killjoy wants to know why Russia's not looking into this murder itself. Bergin's all, I already told your superiors why. She's all, well, I want to hear it for myself and I was guaranteed a full fifteen minutes for this episode, so, even though there's no reason for this scene whatsoever, you better just repeat the damn answer already. Bergin suspects a mole in the Russian government, one who's loyal to the Covenant. He hands over a digital recorder with a full record of phone calls to Lazarikopopoffony. He's all, maybe you can trace the murderer through one of these phone calls. After asking her to make sure justice is done, he starts to walk off. Killjoy wants to know how to reach him. He says she can't and that they never had this conversation. You know, especially since he'll want to erase her hideous accent from his mind.

Milan. Vaughn's talking loudly about some x-ray camera that Marshall provided him with. We have to assume that he's talking to an off-camera Syd. She finally enters the room, and she's wearing a rather interesting frosted white and black wig and a white fur coat. Damn. It's true. Jennifer Garner can wear ANY color hair. Vaughn just looks at her like he's considering getting her nice clean whites a wee bit dirty, if you know what I mean. They both acknowledge the sexual tension, and then Syd asks about Lange. Vaughn tells her that the x-ray camera Marshall's hidden in some necklace is supposed to ID Lange's plastic surgery. I'm rather excited for the reveal myself. I wonder if Lange's family members will recognize him without his trailer park hair or love handles? Do you think his little babies will cry because daddy looks so different? Hmm.

Syd takes a seat to Vaughn, and he tells her all about the PDA that Marshall created that's supposed to ID any bone structure changes or implants or whatever. Syd kind of looks down at her hands. Vaughn's all, you okay? Syd's all, mm-hmm. Vaughn's all, is it Francinator? Syd's all, I know I'm supposed to not shoot her if I see her, you know, because of that whole "gotta find out about the Lost Years" thing, but not filling her full of bullets is gonna be SO hard, you know? Vaughn just sort of nods companionably.

In a parallel moment, Klingon Sark is handing an envelope to Francinator. He tells her about Strauss, the guy Lange's supposed to meet, and tells her that Strauss is getting hammered in the club downstairs. Francinator's all, I'll keep an eye on him. Back in The Van of Non-Lovers, Vaughn removes the x-ray necklace from its case and turns to Syd with it. The camera's in the stone. In a really soft voice, Syd just goes, "Do you mind?" It's subtly coy on her part, and Vaughn eagerly jumps at the bait. Syd removes her coat, revealing her smooth shoulders, and Vaughn places the necklace around her neck, hesitating oh-so-briefly with his hand at her shoulder. Sigh. When are they just gonna do it and get it over with?

"Rez" by Underworld starts up on the soundtrack. God, I love this song. Over in Evil Land, Francinator's getting a high-powered sniper rifle ready for business. "Let's go," she tells her boyfriend. She's all in black, by the way. I'm sure that's not symbolic or anything. Back with Syd, the music pumps up even more as the camera slides up Syd's white-booted leg to her rock-solid thigh as she shoves her gun into her thigh holster. "Let's go," she says to her non-boyfriend. She's all in white, by the way. I'm sure that's not symbolic or anything. Yeah. The anvils are dropping like rain over here.

Inside the club, the music's blaring and the people are dancing. Syd makes her way through the club, and her white dress isn't nearly as cute as I thought it was in the van. She and Vaughn make quippy tech-op small talk about the camera and the PDA, and Syd tries out the equipment on some random dude at the bar. The equipment works fine. Vaughn keeps telling her to check out different people. "Oh, check out that guy with no rhythm," he says. Heh. We find nose jobs, fake boobs, chin implants, collagen lips, and pretty much everything else you think you'd find at a hip club in Milan. The only purpose of this scene -- I mean, other than the obvious Lange mission -- is to show, once again, how much chemistry Vaughn and Syd have together. They crackle and spark, even when they're not anywhere near each other.

They finally find Lange, and man, does he look BETTER. He looks kind of like a younger Michael York. Hell, I'd take a younger Duke of York, just as long as it wasn't Lange of the Cauliflower Nose anymore. Syd zeroes in on Lange just as Strauss walks up and hands him the identity papers. That's when she sees that someone has a rifle sight on Lange. She tackles him to the ground, and Francinator hits Strauss instead. The crowd scrambles as Syd pulls out her gun and starts shooting up at the balcony where Francinator is. Vaughn runs to apprehend her. Lange runs off before Syd can stop him; Francinator turns her shooting attentions to Syd.

Syd dives behind the bar, pinned down by gunfire. Lange runs down some stairs. Vaughn goes after Francinator. Lange keeps running toward an elevator. He gets in. Syd gets up to take a shot at Francinator, but she's gone. Vaughn goes after Francinator and Syd goes after Lange. Well, DUH. They're probably in the same place, dumb-asses. Lange, in the elevator, watches the counter go down. The elevator stops suddenly, and Francinator smashes down into the box. "Hallo," she says smartly. Oh, hee! She attacks Lange, knocking him to the floor, and then pulls out some really scary looking tooth extractors. She goes to town on Lange. Without Novocain. Ow. Not pretty.

Upstairs, Vaughn comes upon the elevator doors, propped open with a garbage can. He gets on the horn and tells Syd that Francinator's in the elevator shaft and she has Lange. Syd runs down to the basement to catch her, but she's too late. Lange's on the floor of the elevator, dead, his mouth all bloody. Francinator comes up behind Syd and knocks her flat with her gun. She stands there, looking down at Syd like she's a hissing cockroach and Francinator has a nice big can of Raid she'd like to introduce her to.

Commercials. Is it wrong that I love Geoffrey Giraffe? Those commercials are funny. "Hey, this harness is chafing." "Yeah, well, there's a breaking-in process." Heh. Heh heh.

Oops Center. Syd and her boyfriends Sean and Vaughn are tripping the java fantastic as they walk through the facility. Syd wants to know why Francinator just whomped her on the head instead of killing her. Sean thinks it's 'cuz Francinator digs her the most. Syd's all, oh, right, dude. And STOP picturing us fighting in our lingerie, okay? Sean seriously thinks that Francinator, evil though she may be, has developed some sort of attachment to Syd. Syd just says something about how it felt like Francinator had been ordered not to kill her. When'd you get that feeling, Syd? When you were staring down at the dead body of Lange and Francinator snuck up behind you and knocked you out? What are you, psychic now?

Vaughn just wants to know how Francinator survived Syd's three shots two years ago. Well, since Syd's the Worst Spy Ever, I'm thinking her shots had about as much accuracy as a Meredith Vieira report on obesity in America. Sean's all, never mind that -- didn't you say Francinator took Lange's tooth? Syd's all, yeah, she took his tooth. Langley cross-referenced the dude's dental records against the files and found nothing. "But then [Killjoy] was a genius," she says, pointing at Killjoy herself, who's just walked up. Killjoy's all, oh, I wouldn't call it genius, blush blush. Oh, please. Now they're best friends? Just because of a little car chase? Gimme a break.

Turns out, they don't need to find Lange's dental x-rays because they already have them. Remember that little jewel camera around Syd's neck? And those pics she and Vaughn took of him? Bingo. Well, that's not exactly genius, now, is it? More like totally bleeding obvious, and very good for Killjoy for realizing it, but I think I'll wait for further proof before declaring her a goddamn genius and sending her to a MENSA gathering. Anyway, the first, and hopefully final, meeting of the Moronic Mutual Admiration Society comes to an end, and Vaughn and Killjoy walk off. Sean's all, you know, the question really shouldn't be how come Francinator didn't kill you, it should be, how come she's still alive at all? Excellent question, puddin'. And I think we'll learn the answer later on in this very episode.

Conference Room of Endless Expositions. Marshall's once again annoying the shit out of me. I'm sorry. I know everyone loves him and I really love him too, but he's getting about three times the screen time Jack does in this episode and that just pisses me the hell off. Okay, Lange's tooth? It's actually got a radio frequency identification chip inside it instead of a filling. "Uh, Flinkman?" says Sean. "Know what'd be great? ENGLISH." Hee. My love for Sean knows no bounds. Marshall goes on to do more Mar-shtick, but once he's done, we're supposed to understand that whatever Lange had in his tooth actually acted as a sort of QuickPass thingy. That pretty much means his tooth allowed him to open up some high-security door or case, and behind that door or in that case was the magic missile-launching device or whatever.

Syd's all, well, we have to assume that the Covenant already knows where the device is, and frankly, they could have the damn thing in their possession as we speak. She realizes that Sloane's their Covenant connection, and rightly assumes that there's a plane to Zurich waiting for her. After the briefing, Killjoy drafts some computer jockey into analyzing the digital recorder for the voice of Lazaramanillow's killer. Yes, it's a useless scene, but thankfully, it's over relatively quickly. Then we're off to Zurich for another session of Inappropriate Touching and Rambaldi Juice Suckage with Satan Sloane.

Syd stomps in; after getting off his wireless earphone, Sloane warmly greets her and says how glad he was to hear that Syd agreed to be his handler. Syd's all, it was an assignment, dickweed, not an agreement. "The way a janitor doesn't agree to clean a toilet," she sneers at him. Nice. And ew. She goes on to tell him that, as his handler, she rules him now. He does what she says, when she says; she controls him. "Is that what you let Vaughn do?" he asks, pouring himself yet another glass of Rambaldi Juice. "Control you?" She ignores this remark. Then, for those of us who stuck our fingers in our ears and went "la la la la la la" for the past thirty minutes, thereby missing the general thrust of the episode, Syd goes on to repeat the entire Covenant chasing the Russian device thingy plotline. Oh, goody. That's another minute I don't have to recap.

Syd tells Sloane that the Covenant has an access code to the vault that houses the device, and that Eduardo Sark and Francinator know where this vault lies. It's up to Sloane to find out what the location is. Sloane's all, oooh, Francinator…I've been wondering when she'd resurface. He slimily pretends to care about how painful seeing Francinator again must be for Sydney. She coldly ignores his smarminess and orders him to set up a meeting with Augustus Sark and Francinator, tell them their travel plans have been compromised, and then offer assistance in revising their arrangements. "And pass the information on to you?" he asks. "That won't be necessary," she says with a hint of enjoyment in her voice. "You'll be wearing a wire." Heh. Sloane's all, oh, sure, and what if they discover it's a setup? Syd smiles at him in a way that totally reminds me of Irina. "Then I get to hear them kill you." Hee hee.

After some relatively fruitless and boring commercials, we're back with Killjoy and her gigabyte boyfriend. He's pared down the recordings to the likeliest of suspects, and plays back something that sounds like a woman with her voice electronically altered. Killjoy wants to know if Gigaboy can filter out the altering and get to the real voice. Gigaboy can't do that, but he did manage to trace the original call itself through Russian phone records. The call was made from an office in London. "24 Trenton Place," says Gigaboy in an exaggerated British accent that, even though it sucks, is STILL better than Killjoy's.

London. Where I'll be traveling to at the end of March, thanks to British Airways and a damn fine internet ticket deal. I'm seriously hoping that Killjoy and her hideous accent won't be there when I am. She's there right now, however, dressed all in super-spy black, complete with knee-high boots. Yeah, because now all of a sudden she's field rated and allowed to head to London on a regular basis for spy missions AND sport some of Sydney's wardrobe. Right. Because THAT'S gonna happen. God. GOD. Killjoy finds the office where the calls to LazaraMacAllen originated. She calls Head and informs him that the office is empty, but it was rented out by one Julia Thorne. Okay, I know Syd's the Worst Spy Ever, but if she leased the Let's Do Evil office under her actual goddamn Lost Years code name, then that means that even in the fucking Lost Years she was the Worst Spy Ever.

Prague. Sloane's heading toward his meeting with Heathcliff Sark and Francinator as Syd listens in. He tells her he feels like a field agent again. Syd's all, yeah, whatever -- you got the targets in sight? He's all, honey, I never told you about my time in the agency, did I? I used to be very patriotic once. "No one's asking," snaps Syd, trying to put an end to this ridiculous conversation. Sloane announces that he's found Jean-Jacques Sark and Francinator, and he walks up and greets them. Prince Rogers Nelson Sark, of course, looks hotter than ever, and Francinator's doing a damn fine job of making us forget all about her intensely stupid way of smoking a cigarette and her absolutely atrocious leopard fur coat.

Sloane's all, hey there, Francinator! You're lookin' good! Francinator's all, yeah? I look like someone else, old man. When you ordered me to undergo gene therapy, you told me I could go back to the way I was. Syd, by the way, looks totally surprised at this revelation. Sloane's all, sorry, baby. Blame it on Syd. She destroyed the equipment. Okay, enough with the small talk. Basically? Sloane goes through his mission successfully, finding out that Siegfried Sark and Francinator are going to Bulgaria, and that the device is in a vault in Sofia. Sloane agrees to get them there by morning.

Their business completed, Sloane goes to leave. Syd stops him and orders him to ask the Toothsome Twosome where she was for the last two years. Did I mention the Worst Spy Ever thing? Like, I know she has a burning desire to find out all about the Lost Years, but this is just unprofessional and, well, STUPID. I mean, the dialogue is funny and everything ("Sucks being a double agent, doesn't it?"), but it's really bad form on her part. Sloane performs admirably, however, and manages to wrangle out of Francinator that the reason she didn't kill Sydney in Milan was because the Covenant asked her not to. "They want to retrieve something," says Francinator. "Something in her memory." Well, there are plenty of things in my memory I'd like to retrieve too, starting with the phone number of that guy I met in London five years ago who bought me tons of drinks and seemed to be perfectly willing to be my sugar daddy. I'd settle for some invasive memory techniques right about now, lemme tell you.

Speaking of invasive memory techniques, Syd's all about them at the moment. She and her dad are in some well-lit Oops Center corridor, arguing about the invasive NSC techniques and how Syd wants the procedure done and Jack sure as hell doesn't. She's all, dude? There's a secret in my head that's so important, the Covenant has orders not to kill me, right? I need to know what dat shit IS. Dix walks up before Spy Daddy can send Syd to her room for being a bad girl. Dix tells them that as soon as Francinator's plane lands in Sofia, Vaughn and Syd will coordinate with the local authorities and track Francinator to the vault. "You wait until she retrieves the device, then apprehend her," he concludes. "I understand," says Syd.

After Jack declares that he's going to go over op-tech with Marshall and leaves, Dix walks over to Syd. "I want you to understand the rules of engagement," he says. Syd's all, yeah, yeah, yeah, I got it. I totally want to kill that Francinator bitch, but she's a link into the Covenant so I can't ice her. I know. "I want her dead," says Dixon calmly. Oh, hee! Syd's all, the whuh? In the whuh whuh? "The orders from Langley are to bring her in, dead or alive," he says. "She killed my wife. She killed your best friend. So, I look at this as an opportunity. The only reason I hesitated before was that I thought she might have information for you. But now that we know there's no hope for that?" He looks at Syd with cold fury in his eyes. "I want that bitch dead." Dix walks off, leaving Syd to contemplate what he's just ordered her to do.

Oops Center. Marshall's showing Vaughn some PDA that's supposed to track the QuickPass thingy in Lange's tooth. You know, that way, they can track Francinator because, like, she'll be holding the tooth or whatever. The only problem with the PDA device is that A) it might be set off by microwave ovens and B) it's not ready yet. Vaughn starts to leave, but Marshall stops him, asking for advice. Oh. Oh, god. Here it comes. The Annoying Marshall Drum Sequence. Gah. GAH. What's the point of this scene? Marshall wants to propose to Carrie, his pregnant girlfriend. How long is it? About NINE HUNDRED DAYS. The only really funny moment comes when Marshall goes, "You got the looks, I got the brains," and Vaughn gets this hilarious look on his face that's all, wait a minute -- YOU got the brains? What in the hell do you think all these damn forehead wrinkles are hiding anyway? A CAVERN? Marshall scrambles over to his drum kit and starts to -- wait, what? WHAT? A drum kit? At Oops Center? Since when is it standard operating procedure to let employees fill their workspaces with any damn thing they want? Like, I got shit from the brass at my company for putting up dirty pictures of Ewan McGregor, right? I seriously doubt that a single CYMBAL would be allowed at the CIA, let alone a whole fucking DRUM kit. And, really? This scene is totally annoying and useless. Yeah. It's funny. In the annoying way. Marshall gets to play the drums for five minutes, and Spy Daddy can't wangle himself two seconds of screen time? That shit is wrong, people. Just wrong. What happens in this scene? I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.

Sofia. Yes, it exists. No, I don't have anything funny to say about it. Vaughn and Syd are riding high above the city in a 'copter as they follow Francinator to an old abandoned hotel. Syd grabs the PDA thingy and asks Vaughn what the range is. He tells her they should be able to track Francinator from fifty yards. Once on the ground, Syd and Vaughn make haste up an outer staircase. The tracking device is beeping. "Do you have a signal?" Syd asks as she takes a blowtorch to the door lock. "Well, either [Francinator's] in there," says Vaughn, "or somebody's making microwave popcorn." Syd breaks the lock, and she and Vaughn enter the hotel.

Meanwhile, elsewhere in the hotel, Francinator's sauntering her way over to the vault. Her eye makeup is much better in this scene. Syd and Vaughn keep tracking Francinator. They make their way upstairs, and Vaughn says she's thirty feet away. The tracking device beeps and beeps and beeps, and the beeping gets faster and louder as they head into a room. Vaughn reaches into a hole in the wall and finds Lange's tooth. "We can't track her without the chip," he says. Then a door opens out in the hall, and Vaughn and Syd make their way out. They split up.

Chasing. Chasing. And we're chasing. Syd makes contact first and follows Francinator through the kitchen, firing shots at her all the way. Syd runs out into the lobby, looking around for Francinator. Wow. For an abandoned hotel in the middle of Bulgaria, it sure does have a lot of OPERATIONAL LAMPS strewn around. Suddenly, Francinator comes out of nowhere and knocks Syd to the ground, pointing a gun in her face. She's all, hey there, I really should kill you, you know? 'Cuz, if I follow my orders and don't kill you, well, then, you're gonna kill me.

"Sorry about Francie," she continues, performing what we like to call The Evil Villain Exposition in the Eleventh Hour Soliloquy. Francinator goes on to blah blah about how, once she'd been doubled as Francie, well, the real Francie just had to die, right? We then flash back to the night Francie was killed, just in case we don't remember Francie with that bullet to the forehead. Back in the present, Francinator just keeps on talkin'. She talks so much that she reveals that back when Syd recovered Rambaldi's journal, she had no idea she'd uncovered a formula. Syd's all, what in the HELL are you talkin' about? Francinator's all, that formula you uncovered? It would ultimately be used in a medication that would heal my wounds. The wounds you gave me, BY THE WAY. "So yeah, you almost killed me," she finishes, "but you also saved my life." She cocks the gun, ready to shoot Syd, but Syd kicks the gun out of her hand, and The Best Girl Fight Ever Part Deux ensues.

It's different from the first Best Girl Fight Ever in many ways, but primarily in the way that it SUCKS. It's dark, grainy, too fast, the shots are too close up and not spaced far enough apart; I mean, I'm no resident expert, but I have seen The Matrix and The Matrix: Reloaded and Kill Bill and several John Woo films and even though none of these films might be considered art, they certainly contain some seriously kick-ass fight sequences, and not a single one of them could be considered to be as assy as this Worst Girl Fight Ever.

There's punching. There's kicking. There are bad sped-up film moments. But, thankfully, there's no extended slo-mo and the scene's over relatively quickly. Syd gets her gun and shoots Francinator down. What, one bullet? Three didn't kill her, Syd! What makes you think ONE will? God. GOD. Vaughn walks up and checks to see if Syd's okay, then runs over and retrieves the missile-launching device from Francinator's jacket. Syd gets on the horn to Dix and informs him that she wasn't able to deliver him a dead Francinator. Dix takes it remarkably well. Syd tells him that Francinator's on her way to the hospital in a civilian ambulance. They ring off.

Vaughn's outside, questioning some guard. The dude informs him that the ambulance never made it to the hospital, even though it left twenty minutes ago. Syd runs up and asks Vaughn if he remembers whether the Rambaldi book contained a formula for a medication. He doesn't. "We've gotta find that ambulance," says Syd. thing we know, we're riding along with Syd and Vaughn and some local authorities. They stop when they come upon the ambulance overturned and some dead bodies lying outside it. Syd checks out the interior of the ambulance, and it's been ripped apart; all the emergency guys are dead. Vaughn's all, this makes no sense! If Francinator had backup, they would have shown at the hotel! Syd's all, I don't think she needed backup, dude. "I think she did this herself," says Syd. "Paramedic said she barely had a pulse!" he responds. "She did this, Vaughn," says Syd. "She did this."

Apparently, Francinator is now an evil super-anti-hero. Great. Because this show wasn't STARVING FOR REALISM OR ANYTHING.