A Missing Link

Previously on Alias: The show sucked. But only for three episodes.

Ten Things I Learned While Watching Alias:

1. Triangles do NOT work, no matter how compelling you think you're making them.
2. Justin Theroux is hot.
3. Jennifer Garner knows how to work a set of hair extensions like nobody's business.
4. Arvin Sloane is physically and mentally incapable of being a good guy.
5. Justin Theroux is totally hot.
6. Vaughn still has a jones for his ex-would-be-dead girlfriend.
7. Diving into a pool from nineteen floors above is not only not dangerous but also incredibly sexy and eye-catching.
8. Pregnant women are bitches.
9. Mrs. Vaughn is still annoying.
10. Justin Theroux is super-major hot.

We enter this stellar episode by witnessing, once again, Lost Time Syd murdering Sark's father, a.k.a. "Lazarey," on the infamous tape. By the way, I can NEVER get Lazarey's name right. I type "Lazeney" or "Lazenby" or Lazaney," but never "Lazarey". Thank GOD the first time I spelled it, I spell-checked that hummer, or we'd wind up with "Lazarenofiorruccibonfuccio" or something.

Right. So, anyway, we start off this ep with Syd and Jack watching Lost Time Syd on her computer screen. Syd seems to think that Lazarey said something like "jewel" or "Julie" or "Julia" right before he died. Jack doesn't give a damn. Syd doesn't give a damn that Jack doesn't give a damn; she wants to analyze the damn video a couple more damn times to figure out what happened to her, dammit! Jack's all, Syd, no good will come of this. Now can't you just go suffer through Matrix: Reloaded like everyone ELSE who was stupid enough to buy it?

Syd's all, dude, I killed someone. I wanna know what happened to me. Jack's all, yeah, yeah, yeah, this haunts you. I get it. Syd's all, of course this haunts me. I lostwaitwhat was ithow many years did I lose? The collective viewing audience at large screams, "TWO YEARS!" Then the collective viewing audience at large grabs three shots of their favorite alcohol and, as dictated by the Alias Drinking Game, the rules of which state, "Drink three shots each time Syd blames everything on losing two years," knocks them all back in quick succession. By the end of this episode, it's quite possible that the viewing audience at large will each have downed 42 shots of alcohol and will be passed out on their living room floors, drooling and muttering something about repetitive writing.

Syd blabbles and boo-hoos about killing Lazarenocoppolis, and yibbers something about how she killed Sark's dad in cold blood and why would she do such a thing? Well, um, 'cuz he's Sark's dad, dumb-ass. Durr. She's all, if someone conditioned me to do this, what in the hell else did they have me do? Well, if they conditioned you to roll your eyes at the jerk-offs in front of you at Starbucks who take twenty minutes to order a cup of VERONA and you find yourself with a compelling urge to shove a stir stick up their left nostrils, then there's a distinct chance that I, too, might have been involved with some conditioning myself.

Jack tries to soothe his daughter's ruffled conditioned feathers by telling her that it was her strength that kept him focused and on target when he was in solitary for twelve months. "Don't lose it now," he finishes, with one of his subtle Daddy smiles. Aw. It's yet another lovely shared moment between Victor Garber and Jennifer Garner. Too bad Syd's cell phone rings to interrupt it, or we might have had a hug. It's Mrs. Elephant on the other line. Damn. I already don't like her, and now she's interrupting the Spy Family Love? Lauren Vaughn's a killjoy.

Oops Center. Syd and Killjoy make what seems to be an utterly useless loop around Oops Center while Killjoy tells Syd about some break-in at a French epidemiology lab. Really. They just loop and loop and loop, as if they're on a track. Anyway, the lab performed cutting edge research on vaccines, specializing in West Nile, HIV, and Ebola. Syd's all, so what were they after? And I really don't hate your eyebrows. You're pretty. Killjoy's all, they stole four vials of Ebola, dude. And thanks. You're pretty too. But Regina's a bitch.

The fifth vial of Ebola got busted up during the heist, infecting one of the heist members. The infected dude's name is Bogden, and he's an expert in cracking high-end security systems. Fortunately for Syd, he's being held at some naval hospital. Looks like Syd's going on a little Nurse Nightingale mission. Syd wants to know why the NSC wanted her in on this job. Killjoy's all, um, they didn't, actually. I asked for you. Syd's all, the what? In the what what? Killjoy's all, Michael said you were the best. Syd's all, um, yeah, but what exactly is it that I'm supposed to be "the best" at? Huh? Because I can guarantee you, Michael's idea of what it is sure as hell don't involve security experts and Ebola, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

Naval Hospital. Syd and Killjoy enter Bogden's room. He is NOT looking well. Of course, see how well you'd look after sucking down some Ebola and bleeding out your eyes. Nevertheless, Killjoy still seems interested in inflicting her terrible OmniAccent (tm Limber Bimbo) on the poor suffering man. She blathers at him about why they're there, and wants to know who's responsible for putting him in this condition. "Leave," he gasps. "And take your horrible accent with you. AREN'T I IN ENOUGH PAIN?"

Killjoy and her OmniAccent just back off and give Syd the floor. Syd drags a chair over to Bogden's bed and sits. I wish I could say that this was one of the scenes in this episode that kicked ass, but it really isn't. Instead, it's just one of those "blah blah blah let's further the plot along by taking FOREVER just to get to the point" scenes. As Killjoy watches with mild admiration, Syd blah blahs something about faith and belief and the afterlife and the consequences of our actions. Bogden finally coughs up (no pun intended) that he never met the man who hired the team, and that he can't help them stop the second job. The only reason this scene exists is to show A) how much Killjoy grudgingly admires Sydney and B) that there's a second job in the making. Great. Can we get to Justin Theroux and the ass-kicking now?

Conference Room of Endless Expositions. Killjoy and Syd are briefing the troops on what they learned from Bogden. Namely, that the stolen samples from the first job have already been delivered to the Covenant, but that they won't be used until after the second job. Syd pipes up that the Covenant plans to modify the virus. Vaughn's all, why's that? And you look good today, Syd. I mean, honey! I mean, Syd! I mean, LAUREN. God. I'll get this straight somehow.

Jack literally babbles something about precursor agents and further synthesis. Before I can go, "The what? In the what what?" Agent Sean speaks up. "Okay, does everyone here speak science?" Marshall goes, "Yeah." "No, Marshall, they don't," snaps Sean. Marshall stutters, "WellI could help explain --" "That'd be great," says Sean, cutting him off. "Sorry," says Marshall, getting up. Hee. Hee hee. Okay. This whole scene made me laugh out loud. Both times I watched it. Agent Sean's so indignant it's hilarious. And Marshall's obviously afraid of him. Tee hee hee.

Oh. Oh, no. The peanut butter scene. Oh god. This whole scene cracked me up. I really don't think I can do it justice. Marshall's all, okay, um, so what they nabbed, let's call it "peanut butter." "You know, yummy, nutty, creamy deliciousness on its own," he says. Oh, seriously. Laughing. I'm laughing over here. "But let's say you mix in something else in equally tasty, um, you know, perhaps, chocolat --" "Marshall," cuts in Dix. Hee. Hee. HEE. Okay, Marshall's point? Besides making us laugh? The Covenant wants to make the virus stronger and more deadly.

As a curious Weiss and a curiously jealous Vaughn listen in, Soymoan tells Sydulia that he missed her and missed working with her. Sydulia slinks, "Why do you think I came back?" Soymoan just laughs and says, "You're a right nutter, you are." Sydulia just plays along and brings up Bogden. She leans back against some conveniently placed cushions and silks, "I wanna take his place." Soymoan's all, well, as it happens, we do have a job coming up, but unfortunately Bogden was security, right? Sydulia's all, yeah-huh. I know.

Soymoan looks at her with a raised eyebrow. "Whuh? No future in murder?" To her credit, Syd doesn't break character here when she discovers that her Lost Years career was, indeed, murderer-for-hire. "I'm a girl with many talents," she husks. "And I'm your man." Hee. Soymoan's definitely interested in ALL of Sydulia's talents. His hair, on the other hand, is not. It just lays there like a lank piece of black Boston lettuce. Justin Theroux's hot enough to pull off even the WORST hair on the WORST, day but this particular greazy 'do is testing even his attractiveness limits.

Sensei's Solemn Sanctuary of Still Sinister Sons of Bitches. Killjoy's trying to find out all she can about Soymoan. She tosses some files over to Sensei. Um, have you noticed how everyone's always a billion feet away from Sloane? Like, she can't sit to him while she asks him questions? What, is he gonna bite her? Oh. Wait. This is Uncle Arvin of the Inappropriate Touching. He just might bite her. Pardon me.

So, Killjoy's trying to pump (ew!) Sensei for info. But Sensei quickly reverts to that persona we know so well: Evil Uncle Arvin. He goes into full-on Satan Sloane mode here, people. "I must admit," he says calmly, "I was concerned for you when Sydney resurfaced." Killjoy just looks disgusted and starts fiddling with her pen. "I remembered seeing her with Vaughn," he continues, twisting the knife. "Their relationship reminded me of my own with my late wife. It was the kind of bond thateven death cannot sever." Hee. Wow. You can take the man away from evil, but you can't take the evil away from the man. Killjoy's fuming. She's all, yeah, yeah, yeah, he loved her. Whatever. He's with me now. So gimme the info and I can get the hell outta here. Sloane's all, now, now, Mrs. Elephant. "You shouldn't doubt yourself, you're very good at what you do," he says. "Despite how you got the job." D'oh! "What does that mean?" she coolly asks. Sloane ignores her and tells her, after looking at the Walker file, that he'll see what he can do. Then he smiles his evil little smile at her, and we move on.

And before you can diss on the Melissa here, she does a great job of conveying her annoyance and discomfort with Sloane. Really. And I'm not just trying to get into her good books. Call me, Melissa! Please!

Bar of Bad Spies and The Men Who Make Them Badder. Syd's enjoying a nice vodka and tonic (speaking of which) as Soymoan walks up, with his boys in tow. Introductions are made. Then Soymoan's all, you ready, chickie? Sydulia's all, for what? Soymoan's all, you used to say you were ready for anything. I bet she was. They all stalk out of the reserved area and down into the main bar. They stroll past Vaughn and Weiss, Soymoan grabbing Sydulia's ass as they pass by. Hee. Barely containing his "hey, that's MY ass you're grabbing" facial expression, Vaughn tells Weiss, "Let's go."

Then we're in a Hummer (hee!) with Sydulia and Soymoan and the Boys. Soymoan's all, Princess Demetria's in town. Sydulia's all, how nice for her. Soymoan tells Sydulia that there's a necklace the princess has with her that's just gathering dust in a safe in the penthouse suite. Aw. How sad for the poor necklace. Guess Syd better go and let it out. That's precisely what Soymoan wants her to do.

The Cuban guy in the back hands her a box with what looks like a gun in it. Sydulia's all, you want me to steal the diamonds with this? Cuban guy (or, as I've come to call him, Chavez y Chavez) is all, we have something else for you. Just then, the other Boy picks up the phone and alerts the police to the fact that a theft is going on in the hotel right that second. Since this is sort of her "entry interview" into the gang, Syd rolls her eyes and gets out of the car, Soymoan watching her ass the entire way. She has approximately seven minutes to steal the necklace and get the hell outta Dodge.

Syd enters the hotel and makes it up to a floor without any hindrances. Why, hello, Implausibility, how are YOU tonight? Syd uses one of her many hairpins to pick the lock of a maid's closet. Back in the Hummer (hee!), one of the boys is questioning Sydulia's capabilities. "She's really that good?" "Oh, yes," smacks Soymoan. "Or at least, she used to be" On that cue, Syd comes out of an elevator, dressed as a maid and carrying a stack of towels. Never mind where she got the simple black heels she's wearing now instead of the obvious combat boots she was sporting back in the bar. Never mind that! Hey there, Suspension Of Disbelief, I've missed YOU!

Syd walks up to the guard outside the penthouse suite and tells him it's time for the turn-down service. After the guard says, "No," Syd turn-down-services him by shooting a tranq dart into his neck. Nice. Just then, the police arrive outside the hotel. Weiss panics. He's all, dude! We should call 'em off! Vaughn's all, we do that, they'll know she has a tail. There's nothing we can do! Back at the penthouse suite, Syd grabs the key off the guard and makes her way inside. She gets to the princess's bedroom and opens up the wardrobe doors. Yeah. Because she just knew the diamonds would be there. Hi there, Plot Contrivance! It's been so long! There's a safe inside. Syd just looks at it. At the same time, the police are swarming into the hotel. Back in the room, the princess stirs as Syd grabs the phone from her bedside table.

She pulls the receiver off the hook and uses the handset as a makeshift stethoscope so she can listen to the lock on the safe. The police are coming. The princess is stirring. Syd is lock-breaking. Just as the police are outside the door, Syd opens the safe and nabs the necklace. The police break in to the room outside the bedroom, and the noise wakes the princess. "Sorry!" says Syd, shooting the princess in the boob with a dart. Hee! Syd escapes onto the balcony and takes part in one of the most unrealistic-yet-totally-welcome scenes to occur so far this season.

She rips off her maid's outfit, revealing what could be black underwear, but it really looks more like a shiny black bikini. Yeah. Because everyone wears a shiny black bikini underneath LEATHER. Gah. She steps out of her heels and, I'm assuming, shoves the diamond necklace into an orifice or something. I wish I were kidding. It ain't ANYWHERE on her body, kids. I have to watch these things several times, and I can tell you right now, it's hidden VERY well at this point. As Wendy Kroy and Rona put it when I talked to them, "We believe it's en cootchie." And, before you can say it, EW.

Syd slings herself over the side of the balcony, breathes deeply, and jumps into the coffin-shaped pool. Yes, she's on the penthouse floor. Yes, the pool is definitely coffin-shaped. And no, there isn't a diamond necklace in sight. Welcome to the REAL Alias, people.

After scraping her eyeballs, fingers, arms, and spleen off the bottom of the pool and reinserting them all into her non-bruised body, Syd calmly exits the pool by the stairs, looking absolutely gorgeous and sexed-up. A wayward gentleman, obviously smitten by her NINETEEN-STORY AERIAL DIVE, offers her a terrycloth robe, and Syd wipes her face off on it and walks away. Hee. As Weiss and Vaughn watch Syd exit the hotel wearing a terrycloth robe, Weiss turns to Vaughn and goes, "Whatever she just did, man, she's good. She is really good." Judging by Vaughn's expression, he thinks so too.

Sydulia jumps into the Hummer (hee!) and turns to the Boys. "I had time for a swim," she says, putting her foot up on the dash and brandishing the newly stolen necklace. Soymoan's all, right then. I have a meeting in Paris tomorrow; we'll meet at the safe house on, say, Thursday. We'll spec out the mission and, oh, Sydulia, here's the tech info you'll need. Syd grabs the folder he hands her and smiles evilly. "Welcome to the team," he says. Syd looks confidently at him.

Commercials. Sharon Stone and James Spader are the best damn things that ever happened to The Craptice. I've never watched it before and I'm watching it now. That's all I'm sayin'.

The Plane of Lost Years Deception. Syd, still sported out as Sydulia, is all, I gotta know how to crack an S-305 safe. Vaughn, sitting across from her and looking ridiculously hot in his black dress shirt and olive jacket, says that Weiss and Marshall are working on the specs for her. His expression is one of, "Okay, where in the FUCK has my girlfriend been for two years? Yeah, and screw my wife, okay?" Syd notices his look, which, by the way, has extended far beyond the momentary glance here. She's all, yeah, I know you think this op is too dangerous for me to continue. He's all, yes, I do. But that's not what I was gonna say. I was gonna say that I lurve you and that you're hot, hotter than ever, and that I might feel bad about leaving my wife but if you don't kiss me here in the two seconds, I'm gonna leap out the side door to my death.

Or he just says, "But that's not what I was gonna say." Syd puts her beautiful face in the palm of her hand and goes, "So, what then?" "I've never worked with anyone who can improvise better than you can," he says. "But when Simon called you 'Julia' -- your reaction -- you didn't seem surprised." Syd's all, DUDE? Vaughn's all, tell me what's going on, baby. Syd hesitates. "Look," he says, leaning forward. "I know we're not where we were, but even before then, professionally, we never kept secrets from each other! I'm still on your side!"

"You're right," says Syd calmly. "We're not where we were." D'oh. "And trust me when I tell you, I am doing you a favor by keeping you out of it." "No, that is not gonna work with me," he states. "Well, it is gonna have to," she says. Then she launches into this mini-tirade about how she can't afford to make distinctions between professional and personal anymore. "This job took two years from me," she says. Shots all around! "Everything is personal. As much as I wish I could trust you, the responsibilities you have now require me not to." Vaughn's all, wait, what? Because of Killjoy? Because she's NSC or because she's my wife? "Or is that distinction irrelevant?" he spits. "I'm not punishing you," says Syd wryly. "You think I am. I'm not." They glare at each other for a moment. The door opens and Sean enters. He takes a good long look at both of them. "Somebody die?" he says, popping a peanut in his mouth. Good, Sean. Remind me to book you as the keynote speaker at my FUNERAL. God.

The Pamplona Safe House of Royally Hot Guys. Soymoan enters and says something to his boys about off-site security. Chavez y Chavez hands him an envelope and says that they have another problem. Soymoan's all, what's all this then? Chavez y Chavez just goes, "Julia." Soymoan picks up the envelope, opens it, and the Strings of Impending Doom go into overtime.

Conference Room of Daddy/Daughter Confrontations. Jack's all, dude? Your former boyfriend has been quizzing me about that whole "Julia" thing. I tried shutting down his inquiry, but something YOU said has made that impossible. Syd's all, I just told him I couldn't talk about it. Jack's like, oh, okay, like that WOULDN'T pique his interest. That's like him asking, "What's wrong?" and you answering, "Nothing," you dumb-ass! "What piqued his INTEREST was hearing Simon Walker call me 'Julia' and then kissing me like his prom date," she snaps. Hee.

She's all, I can't make Vaughn stop being jealous, or, I mean, "curious," or whatever. Spy Daddy, once again, just in case we weren't aware, makes it clear what Killjoy and the NSC would do if they found out that Syd was connected to the Lazaraminoff murder. Mainly, that they'd subject her to painful and terrible extraction methods to mine her somewhat defunct memory. Syd's all, yeah? HOOK ME UP, Daddy-O. Maybe they should've hooked me up a long time ago, huh? Then maybe I wouldn't be making out with complete (albeit really, really HOT) strangers in the middle of public places. Oh, wait. Scratch that. Screw the memory retrieval shit. As long as I can keep making out with Justin Theroux, we're all good. Syd thinks that the pain of knowing can't be nearly as bad as the pain of not knowing. Jack's all, uh, think again, honey. It sure as hell can.

And now it's time for our regular dose of Marshall and his hilarious hijinks, with the bonus addition of his angrily pregnant -- and possibly former -- girlfriend, Carrie. Yeah, I could recap it all, but what would be the point? It's not nearly as funny in print as it is onscreen, and all we find out from the scene is that A) Marshall invented some device that'll allow Syd to crack the safe she has to crack for the Soymoan gig, and B) Carrie either really, really hates being pregnant or really, really, REALLY hates Marshall.

Just as Marshall's reading from his list of unisex baby names, Dix's secretary enters and tells Syd that Dix wants to see her. Apparently, he wants to see Vaughn too, because he meets Syd on the way to Dix's office. Once there, Dix informs them both that Jack, who's standing right to Dix, actually showed Dix Syd's Lost Time Murder videotape. Vaughn, sporting a nice centimeter of sexy stubble, just goes, "What videotape?" Syd, growing paler by the minute, shoots a look at her dad that could freeze the sun. Jack just looks back at her like, "Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah." He does. Really.

Dix tells Vaughn about the Lazareaoliciuos murder that's on the tape and how Syd's the one pulling the knife. Then Dix goes on to blah blah about how Syd has been conspiring to keep this tape a secret. He asks Vaughn if he knew about any of this. Vaughn's all, uh, no, actually. But it's kind of turning me on. Is that wrong? Dix is all, yes, yes, it is. All we really learn from this scene is that A) Dix has lost almost all of the warmth and tenderness he used to have; B) Syd's not off active duty, nor is she going to prison for the murder, seeing as she has no idea she committed it in the first place; and C) Dix wants Vaughn to withhold this little nugget of tasty information from his wife, who just happens to be with the NSC.

Hmm. This whole scene is screaming, "WRITERS IN ELEVENTH HOUR CONTACT CONTRIVANCE JONES FOR PLOT DEVELOPMENT ADVICE." Like, let's invent some reason to make Vaughn have to lie to his wife, thus driving a wedge between them, while at the same time ensuring that Syd has to go through the mission with that really hot guy who makes Vaughn jealous. Oh, and let's make Spy Daddy a son of a bitch again. He's a lot more fun that way. I mean, Jesus Jones on an Ecstasy-packed pachyderm.

After the meeting, Syd hisses at Jack about the whole "let's keep this a secret from everyone, oh, except for Dixon" thing. Jack's all, dude? I really only wanted to keep it from the NSC, right? Syd's all, whoa! You KNEW Dix would order Vaughn not to tell his wife. I can't be responsible for driving a wedge between Vaughn and Killjoy, okay? "That is a concern I do not share," Jack deadpans. Hee. We don't share it either, Jacky Boy. Syd storms off.

In another corner of Oops Center, Vaughn walks up and sees his wife. Killjoy practically runs over and kisses him. Again, PDA IN THE CIA? Really. They're trying far too hard to hammer home that Vaughn and Lauren are actually in love. Get a room! No, really, GET A ROOM. And make sure it's OUT OF STATE. And now we come to Useless Scene #3,782: We're A Regretful Jet-Set Couple Who Really Love Each Other Despite All Evidence To The Contrary. NO REALLY WE DO. Vaughn and Killjoy blah blah about their upcoming trips, then Vaughn apologizes or whatever for their non-fight before. "I miss you," he whispers. She just smiles at him. God. GOD. WE GET IT. Moving the fuck ON.

Pamplona Safe House of Royally Hot Guys. Soymoan sits on the side of a bed, looking at photos as Chavez y Chavez watches. He's all, I knew she couldn't be trusted. She was with HIM. Then we see just who the "him" is as Soymoan tosses the photos on the bed to him. It's a picture of Syd walking along with Vaughn. Uh-oh. They've been made. Also? Justin Theroux is super-duper hot. In case you hadn't noticed.

Commercials. Wow. Kim Delaney's back on NYPD Blue? Those side gigs not working out for ya, huh, Delaney? That show is like a CURSE. Go on it? Never work again in this lifetime.

Pamplona. Syd and Vaughn are sitting in the ops van, getting ready for the heist. Syd looks hot. So does Vaughn. They're so hot together. It's just not right that they're not hot together, if you know what I mean, and I really think you do. Anyway, Syd turns to Vaughn and says, "Vaughn -- what my dad did -- I never wanted you to have to keep secrets from Lauren." And the way she says it, you totally believe her. Vaughn just adds Wrinkle #8,011 to his forehead and says, "Well, now I do," in this kind of snotty voice. God. Grow up, Junior Officer Oh Woe Is Me.

For the record, Vaughn thinks that Syd going on this op is totally insane. For the record, I kind of want to smack Vaughn around right now. And not in the sexy way. Syd's all, yeah, whatever -- if this were just about finding the Covenant, I'd totally agree with you. But I lost two years of my life, Vaughn! Drink, everyone, DRINK! Syd wants to know where she was, who Julia was, and what she did while she was where she was when she was Julia. Hee. For some reason, that just cracked me up.

After Weiss enters the van and informs them that the laser mic's in place, Syd gets out and heads to the safe house. When she enters, slinking across the floor, we see Soymoan, waiting for her in bed. Slurp. Yum. Sigh. He asks her how Milan was. Sydulia tells him it was good and that she got everything they need. Soymoan beckons her over to the bed, patting the spot to him. Smack. Swoon. Sigh. Soymoan asks her where she went when she disappeared all those years ago. "Why," she purrs, "did you miss me?" Soymoan just chuckles and takes off his white undershirt. Oh. Oh, my. I think I might have to lie down.

Sydulia starts putting her plumped-up lips to good use, kissing and nuzzling Soymoan's neck and chest. I. Um. Yeah. Even through her strenuous attentions to his hairless chest, Syd manages to keep up the questions, asking him what he missed while she was gone. Soymoan just lies back in the bed (uhhhh) and Syd straddles him (ummmm) and removes her top, revealing a black bra. Are they talking now? Because I'm not really listening at the moment.

But Vaughn sure as hell is, and he is NOT pleased. Seriously. The look on his face could cut glass. Did you know that his eyes bug out and his forehead loses all wrinkles when he's angry? It's quite alarming. Back in the boudoir, Sydulia keeps trying to press Soymoan for info about her past. The only things we really learn in this scene are that A) Justin Theroux is hot, B) Soymoan and Sydulia met in Algeria and couldn't keep their hands off each other, and C) Justin Theroux is hot.

Just as quickly as you can say, "Justin Theroux is REALLY hot," Soymoan throws Sydulia off of him and yanks her head back, putting a knife to her throat. "You never went to Milan!" he shouts. Vaughn's thisclose to leaping to her rescue, but Weiss stops him, telling him to give her a chance to get out of this on her own. Soymoan wants to know who she's working for, and she says herself. He grabs the photos of her and Vaughn and demands to know who Vaughn is. Sydulia says Vaughn's her supplier, and even gives up his full name. Vaughn's all, holy shit! That's a picture of me! Then Sydulia's all, dude! Soymoan! What? You don't believe me? Soymoan's all, no, sweetheart! I don't. Then the powers that be drag The Violins of Wasting Time out 'til they're practically breaking, and we go to commercial.

Wow. That segment was only six minutes long. That isso very, very sad. Note to JJ: How about trying to fill out the full 47 minutes instead of padding the episodes with commercials for Glade and Clorox? It would be much appreciated. Thanks much, Regina.

Well, we're back from commercials. How long's this segment gonna last? Three minutes? I'll set the timer. Vaughn calls Marshall back at Oops Center and demands that he upload some criminal stats for Vaughn to the Interpol database. Yeah, I could recap all the scrambling and back-and-forth, but you already know that Marshall makes it just in time and Vaughn shows up as a criminal in the database, so let's just save ourselves some time and effort and move on to the part where Justin Theroux is shirtless and Syd's life is no longer in danger.

Oh, but there is a mention here of Chicago that many of the posters believe is a shout-out to me. I seriously doubt it. I mean, I've been trashing this show left and right for the past three eps, so if it IS a shout-out, then you can bet your sweet ass it was written sometime this summer. If it is, thanks, guys! I think you rock as writers! I really do! But tell JJ to lose the Triangle or I'll send small angry dogs to poo on his lawn!

As Marshall gets closer to saving Vaughn's ass (and Sydney's, by default), we do get a funny moment of Agent Sean bouncing his hand nervously and Vaughn going, "Stop bouncing." Hee. So, yeah, Marshall gets the info updated in time and Syd and Vaughn are in the clear. Soymoan reads the file and gets this hilariously conciliatory expression on his face. "Babe" he says sheepishly, glancing at Sydulia over his shoulder. Hee. Sydulia just goes, "Now I remember why I left." She picks up her jacket and storms off, conveniently eliminating the need for her to do anything more physical with Soymoan. Dammit.

A few minutes later, the baddies are gathered around some big dining room table. Soymoan enters, putting on his t-shirt. Rewind. Pause. Sigh. The table is strewn with plans and documents, and Chavez y Chavez glares at Sydulia from across the way. She just looks away. Then Chavez looks at Soymoan. Soymoan's all, "She's good." He perches on the table and lays out the plan for them; they're hitting some disease ministry in Saragossa or something, and their target is a biological agent. Yeah. We already knew that. Take your shirt off again!

His cell phone rings, and he invites the caller inside. Chavez takes over as Soymoan goes to greet the caller. Blah blah blah portable cooler whatever. I mean it. Who cares? You know they're gonna get the damn vial of whatever-the-hell. Durr! As Sydulia listens intently to her instructions, Soymoan's guest enters andit's SARK! He looks casually over at the group, and Syd's face totally goes, "D'OH!" It's hilarious. Sark's only reason for being there is to freak Syd out and for her to know that he's behind this whole thing. Oh, sure, he tells Soymoan about some shift rotation or something, but that's not why he's there. He's there to make Syd go, "D'OH!" with her face. Syd slinks over to Chavez y Chavez and pretends to look at some documents as he tells her he knows she's hiding something. Yeah, dude. She's hiding her "D'OH!" face. Heh. Sark and Soymoan conclude their totally useless conversation, and Syd loses her "D'OH!" face. Hee.

Sensei's Solemn Sanctuary of Still Sinister Sons of Bitches. Killjoy must be a glutton for punishment, because she's returned to Zurich in order to engage in a little more one-on-one with Sloane. He tells her that the second item the Covenant wants to acquire is an artificial pathogen, one that, when combined with the first virus, will allow the Covenant to genetically tailor a biological weapon for specific targets. What? That's what she had to fly all the way to Zurich for? He couldn't have told her that over the phone? Or, like, the LAST time she was here? Of course, if Killjoy didn't bother flying over to Zurich, then Satan Sloane wouldn't be able to deliver his little life-affirming speeches about how much Vaughn loves Sydney and how much Killjoy sucks rabbit droppings. Satan Sloane pours himself a bit more of that nice Rambaldi Life Juice he enjoys so much and doesn't share with others. Then he says something about how the comment he made last time, about how Killjoy got the job, well, he was referring to the senatorher father.

Killjoy's all, what about my father? Satan Sloane slimily says that her father knew how badly she wanted to become field rated, and he knew that was too dangerous, so he made sure she couldn't become field rated. Killjoy looks like she just swallowed a live moray eel. "But you knew that, didn't you?" smarms Sloane. Sensei truly has left the building, dudes. This guy is ALL Sloane, complete with the nasty tone and the sneering smile. Awww, yeah. Killjoy tries to smack him down with a "don't you dare try to manipulate me" quip, but Sloane just looks at her like she's covered in frosting and he feels a mighty big sweet tooth comin' on.

Saragossa. I guess. There's no push-through, but I'm assuming it's Saragossa. Whatever. The Baddies pull up in a van, and Soymoan shoots a guard in the neck with a tranq dart. Sydulia hacks into the security system, and they're off. Once inside, Sydulia tries hacking into the locked safe where the pathogen is, but something's screwed up because she can't get in. Sydulia fiddles with some wires while Soymoan, sporting a ridiculous cap that almost detracts from his hotness, informs her that they have three seconds before they lose the quarry. Luckily, whatever Syd did with the wires worked. Soymoan grabs the pathogen and they get the hell outta there.

On a dusty road somewhere, their truck pulls up, and they all get out. Sydulia's all, what's this? Soymoan's all, switching vehicles, in case we're followed. Sydulia pulls out her peach lipstick and reapplies. Nice. She's getting ready to plant the tracking device. Soymoan just looks at her, amused that she's bothering with lipstick at this moment in time. Sydulia smiles back. Heh.

Just then, a jeep drives up. One of the Baddies gets out and says he's got a little surprise for them. It's Vaughn, beaten all to hell and propped up by a couple of tertiary baddies. Uh-oh. Back at the van, Weiss enters and scrambles for his headset. He tells Dix that Vaughn's missing. Dix tells Weiss to get the hell outta there and get to the extraction point. Weiss is all, I'm not leaving mah buddy! Dix is all, oh, spare me, soldier boy. Get to the extraction point and brief the team about Vaughn, a-ight?

Back with the Baddies, Chavez y Chavez is all, I told you we couldn't trust her! This dude's CIA! Sydulia's all, I swear he's my supplier! Soymoan's all, not anymore, he's not! He grabs Vaughn and drags him to his knees. Chavez is all, dude! We have to get rid of them both! Soymoan's all, oy! Shut it, yeah! Julia's with us -- it's this punter's the problem, not her. Hee. "Punter." Soymoan pulls out a gun and is about to shoot Vaughn in the head when Sydulia stops him, telling him that she wants to do it, since Vaughn betrayed her.

Syd grabs Chavez y Chavez's switchblade, opens it, and grabs Vaughn by the lapel. "You never should have betrayed me," she says. And then she stabs him. Oh, yes she does. Soymoan kicks him down the mountainside. Syd almost loses it right there, but she finally pulls it together and follows Soymoan into the jeep. Vaughn lies at the bottom of the mountain, passed out, with blood on his shirt.

Ladies and gentlemen? Alias is in the hizzouse! Woo woo!

on Alias: Syd makes out with Vaughn. Unfortunately, I believe he's passed out at the time. Also unfortunately, Killjoy's a bitch. Yeah, you heard me.