"Reggie, darling?" "Yes, Eddie my sweet?" "Why oh why is there a dirty baggie of mushrooms in your lingerie drawer?" "The same reason there's a dirty pair of cowboy boots by the door and a dirty overcoat in the hall closet." "Ah, yes -- remnants of the lovely Owen, then?" "That's right, my hunk o' burnin' love." "Whatever happened to your ex, anyway?" "I have no idea, bunny. I broke up with him over three weeks ago and he left, muttering something about Morocco and killer hash hookahs. I haven't heard from him since." "Shall I box these things up and ship them off to lands unknown, then?" "Please do, puppy. And Eddie?" "Yes?" "Why were you rooting around in my lingerie drawer?" "Why else, muffin? I was looking for something delicious to wear while I make you a soufflé." "Oh, Eddie. You're so good to me. Kiss me quick before I embark upon the recap." "Anything for you, my frosted cupcake." "Mmm! Raspberry lip-gloss! My favorite!"
Ahhhh...another Alias recap. How I've missed them so. Perhaps that's why the recaplet was nearly nineteen paragraphs long. I've had an absence of snark in my life for the past month and I'm itchin' to do some bitchin'. Julio! Bring mommy a bottle of Stoli and a straw. It's time to do some recappin'.
Previously on Alias: It was the year 1974. Or, at least, it FEELS like it was that long ago...
After catching up on the whole Francinator-blew-up-Dixon's-wife-and-all-he-got-was-a-huge-revenge-chip-on-his-shoulder storyline, we're hanging with Dix and Syd as Dix is screaming at some guy on the ground while holding an explosive device. Basically, Dix has a death wish, and unless Guy On The Ground tells him what he wants to know, he's gonna blow 'em all sky-high because, as he says, "[He has] nothing to lose!"
At Oops Center, Jack's frantically trying to convince Dix to drop the device and calm the fuck down. Syd's trying to do the same. Some random balding dude back at Oops Center pulls rank on Jack and orders Vaughn, stationed above the action, to take Dix out with a bullet from that gun he's manhandling. Vaughn's about to pull the trigger when...
...we're pulled back to Hell-Lay, seventy-two hours earlier. Yeah. I liked this device the first time around when it was used during "Truth Takes Time." Along with bulimia, the flashback/flash forward device is SO eighty-seven.
Anyway, we're at the wake for Mrs. Dix. Dix takes a seat on the sofa with his little girl. The mourners gather and kibitz, and the whole Oops Center collective is there, including Jack, Marshall, Vaughn, and Syd, who watches Dix and his crying daughter with a concerned expression on her face.
Dix escapes to another room of the house -- his bedroom, it seems -- and rips open a drawer, pulling out a bottle of pills. Just then, Vaughn exits the bathroom (I know it's the bathroom 'cuz we can hear a toilet flushing. For some reason, this makes me giggle uncontrollably. Vaughn. Peeing. HEE!) and sees Dix greedily hoisting pills into his mouth. Forehead Wrinkle #982 grooves itself into the space between Vaughn's eyebrows. Before Dix can see him, Vaughn retreats back into the bathroom. I hope he washes his hands while he's in there. Dirty bird.
Casa De Chick Chansons. Vaughn's casually unzipping Syd's dress (hee!) as he informs her of Dix's pill-popping. I actually really liked this moment between them -- Vaughn helping Syd with her dress and Syd changing into something more comfortable as they discuss Dix's problem. There's a nice comfort to it. Of course, if Michael Vartan and Jennifer Garner are really doing the nasty, as some rumors have suggested, then it's sleazy and rank and I really should stop reading US Weekly. I'm kidding! I'll NEVER stop reading US Weekly.
Syd suggests that it might have been aspirin Dix was gobbling. Vaughn's all, yeah, because aspirin comes in little orange bottles with labels on them and people in pain eat them like they're Tic-Tacs. Then he's like, I'm concerned that Dix is heading back to work days after his wife was murdered and he's self-medicating. Syd's all, I think he's just trying to do everything he can to survive in this situation, you know? Vaughn's all, oh, you mean the situation where he wants to find Sloane and KILL HIM? "I had the same thing with Danny," says Syd, causing Vaughn to look down at his shiny black shoes and wonder if his new girlfriend will EVER let go of that whole "dead fiancé" bullshit.
Satan Sloane's Silo Of Secrecy. Sarkalicious bolts into the room and blurts something about some dude they've been looking for who's been located in Panama City. "I can be there in seventeen hours," he says in his adorable Brit accent. "That's supposed to be a British accent?" shrieks Eddie from the kitchen. "Shhh, honey," I say, lighting another cigarette. "He could be speaking in a bad Bronx honk and he'd still be adorable." "More adorable than me?" whines Eddie. "Never," I say. "Now go back to the kitchen and tell Julio to bring me another plate of Cheez-Its. I have a hankering."
Sloane's concerned that, since the CIA has a copy of the database they had Kaplan decrypt, they'll quickly deduce just who Sloane and Sark are after and nab them quicker than you can say, "Holy hot plates on a river barge, these men look tasty in suits!" Sark's all, then what do you suggest? Sloane suggests that Sark call some dude who will do Sark's bidding, thereby keeping the CIA off their trail.
Before Sark can leave, never to appear again in this episode, Sloane asks if he's heard from Irina. Sark informs him that Irina's in Cyprus, looking for new facilities, whatever that means. Sloane pours himself a glass of Grey Goose and says something about how he thought he'd have satisfaction with Mrs. Dixon's death. Well, that seems awfully unfocused to me, Sloane. Dix didn't CHOOSE to off Auntie Em, after all. Seems to me that Sloane might have gotten a bit more satisfaction if, say, he'd blown up Oops Center. But maybe that's just me.
"I killed the wrong person," grits Sloane. "Dixon?" asks Sark. "No, you juvenile delinquent!" snaps Sloane. "Now, pay attention. I'm taking a leave." Sark's all, "Why? Do you have a headache?" Sloane chucks the glass of vodka at Sark's head. "No, not ALLEVE, you peon! A LEAVE! You know, as in A LEAVE OF ABSENCE?" Sark's all, okay! God! You're so touchy when you're disgruntled.
Sark tries to convince Sloane to stick around so that he can enjoy the victory of his thirty-year pursuit. "If I don't see you again, Mr. Sark," says Sloane, walking over to him, "tell Irina that I hope you both succeed...where I couldn't." Sloane walks out, leaving Sark to stare off into a corner of the room and attempt to silence his inner voice, which is screaming, "Yay! He's gone! It's MINE! ALL MINE! Wait'll I tell my mom!"
Conference Room Of Endless Expositions. Jack's informing the troops that there's a new Kendall in town and his name is Brandon. Brandon's the NSA deputy director, and he's making an appearance here for no goddamn reason whatsoever. No, really. Kendall's gone and this Brandon guy is here and there's no reason for it. Except that he's on some sort of task force designed to track down and study Rambaldi's work. Whatfuckingever.
Brandon makes nice-nice with the troops and then gestures to his "associate," a comely young brunette by the name of Kerry Bowman. She deals with special projects. If by "special projects" you mean "Rambaldi shit and Marshall's affections." Because, as it turns out, Kerry's a big fan of Marshall's work, and thanks to him, they've made some sort of breakthrough in their Rambaldi work.
Marshall introduces himself, and he and Kerry share a couple of goofy-verging-on-sweet interactions before Kerry says something to Marshall about his presentation. "Hmm?" he stutters, having lost his collective senses in the dense sepia pools of Kerry's eyes. "Oh, a...presentation. Yeah. I've got -- and by the way you can call me Marshall. Everybody calls me... whatever." Hee. Marshall's in lurve!
Marshall gets up and blathers on about some of Rambaldi's drawings. And, yes, it's very funny, but as with all Marshall-isms, you really have to be there and see them for yourself so, like, recapping the whole thing isn't going to do anyone any good. Suffice it to say, Marshall discovered that some Rambaldi margin doodles are actually a DNA fingerprint belonging to a man by the name of Protero Di Regno. He's a private citizen living in -- get this -- Panama City! Wait, did we hear that before or something? Like, just a few SECONDS AGO? I think that'll be important later.
Vaughn and his forehead wrinkles are confused. He's all, wait a second here. You're saying that five hundred years ago, this Rambaldi doofus drew a DNA profile for some dude who's alive today? Kerry's all, dude, it gets SO much better! Apparently, Di Regno's DNA was actually a code key that allowed them to decrypt page ninety-seven of the Rambaldi manuscript. I'm surprised it's not page ninety-four, actually. Because, you know, that would be forty-seven times two and everything. In case you care. Dix wants to know what's on the page. Brandon tells him it's a bunch of dates predicting various apocalyptic events, including, but not limited to, Napoleon's bloody battle with the Russians, the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand (which triggered World War I), and Hiroshima. Marshall either furiously scribbling all this shit down, or he's penning a mash note to Kerry. Can you imagine? "Hi. I, uh, you're cute. But, you know, not cute in the bunny rabbit way. More like the cute that involves champagne and bubble baths and...I'm gonna shut up now." Hee.
"There's a future date listed on the page," Syd pipes up. "Isn't there?" Brandon's all, yep. Forty-eight hours from now, actually. Syd's all, what's the prediction? Kerry's all, there isn't one. Just a time. Midnight Eastern Standard Time, to be exact. Jack tells Syd and Dix that they're to travel to Panama City and bring back the Lucky DNA dude. Brandon informs everyone that, until the deadline has come and gone, this operation is under NSA jurisdiction. Syd looks none too pleased about this little revelation. I'm none too pleased about having to come up with a nickname for yet another new character that will probably barely be in this episode and who will probably never appear again for the duration of the season.
Panama City Wanna Hump-Hump. Lucky DNA Dude is sleeping in his bed when he's awakened by a loud noise. He tries to turn on the lights, but nothing happens. He gets out of bed, his ridiculously shiny satin pajamas billowing around his decrepit body. He goes to close a window that's banging in the breeze when suddenly a man pops up from out of nowhere and grabs him from behind and stabs him in the chest. Guess he's not so "lucky" after all.
"Reggie? Kitten?" "Yes, Izzy?" "You do realize this show you watch is a pile of stinking crap, don't you?" "Oh, it is not, Izzy. It's great fun. You of all people should preach your undying love for it." "And why is that?" "Costumes. Camp. Unbelievable storylines that require great leaps of disbelief dodging. What more could a transvestite ask for?" "Hm. You have a point. Fuck the soufflé. Julio? Bring me my own bottle of Stoli and a straw. Auntie Izzy's going to take a load off and enjoy the ride."
Dudes. Matrix Reloaded. I've seen the previews, like, FOUR HUNDRED TIMES and still, I just. Dudes. I. Wow. That is all.
Panama City Wanna Hump-Hump. Syd and Dix have arrived on the scene, which consists mainly of Lucky DNA Dude laid out on his bed with his chest ripped wide open, complete with rib spreader, and blood everywhere. Ew. The dude's heart was taken. Dix collects some pictures for his personal photo album of death, and Syd notices an Eye of Rambaldi tattoo on the dude's right hand. Dix is all, why take his heart? Syd's all, I dunno, dude. But take a few more close-ups of his chest cavity, okay? What are you, Crispin Glover over here?
Syd notices a remnant of a surgical glove near the rib spreader, and calls over one of the Panama cops. Apparently, she has it dusted for prints and sends what she finds to Marshall. Once he's analyzed the partial print on it, Marshall calls Syd and tells her that the killer was one Emilio Vargas -- or, as we like to call him, Uncle Machete Cortez from Spy Kids. Syd asks Marshall to forward her everything he has on Uncle Machete.
Oops Center. Vaughn and his forehead wrinkles trail after Jack and start yammering on about Dix and his state of mind. He wants Dix removed from field duty. Jack's all, yeah, I'll take that into consideration. Not. Vaughn's all, dude! He just lost his wife. With all due respect and everything, why are you fighting me on this? Jack's all, uh, are you the boss of me? Vaughn's all, no, but that's -- Jack's all, I'm sorry, ARE YOU THE BOSS OF ME? Because I don't recall receiving a memo wherein I'm required to JUSTIFY my actions to YOU regarding ANYTHING. Oh, and I recruited Dix into SD-6 and introduced him to the man who killed his wife. I am NOT gonna be the one who tells him he can't assist in Sloane's capture, okay? He stalks off, leaving Vaughn and his five new forehead wrinkles to fester like moldy cheese left out in the hot summer wind.
Meanwhile, Marshall's chewing on his fingers and sneaking glances at his future wife, Kerry. Kerry, as it turns out, is sobbing into her hand. Marshall asks if she's okay, but she can't hear him because she's too busy listening to "River" by Joni Mitchell. Marshall hands her a tissue, and Kerry blathers something about how she shouldn't bring Joni to work with her because she just makes her cry and cry and oh, shut up, Kerry.
Marshall takes his seat again, and he and Kerry have an entirely pointless conversation about how researching this end-of-the-world crap gives them both the willies. I'm not saying the scene sucks or anything. Quite the contrary. It's sweet. But it really is pointless. I mean, other than dishing up a nice hot bowl of Marshall 'n' Kerry Sittin' In A Tree, there's no reason for this scene. Marshall yammers on about his family and charms the proverbial pants right off Kerry. "Are you gay?" blurts Kerry. "Why?" spits Marshall. "Is there someone you wanted to set me up with?" "No, it's just...every cute guy that I meet turns out to be gay." Hee. Marshall's all, NO! NOT GAY! Totally weird and have a potentially annoying tendency to partake in verbal diarrhea, but VERY NOT GAY. They make a date for sushi after the apocalypse. Aw.
Elsewhere, Vaughn makes a call to Dr. Nancy, ostensibly to discuss Dix's current taste for pharmaceuticals. It's a two-second scene, but I thought I'd better mention it. Oh, and I thought I'd better mention how hot Michael Vartan looks when he unhooks his tie and reveals that little bit of white t-shirt beneath his blue oxford. I think that's important too.
Guadalajara Harry's. As the killer tune "Mas" by Kinky kicks out the jams, we watch a little bit of something known as Big Fat Guys In Masks Wrestling In A Ring. I'm sure there's a proper name for this particular sport, but I neither know nor care what it is. And do NOT email me to inform me of the name, okay? "Actually, it's called 'real wrestling,' my love," says Eddie, slurping on his vodka. "And it's fabulous." "Shut up, Eddie. Or I won't let you wear my platform sneakers to church tomorrow."
Dix and Syd and Syd's pumped-up breasts enter the arena and make their way over to some muscular guard. Syd tells the guy, in Spanish, that she and Dix are Triad, and they want to meet with Uncle Machete about another job they want him to do. The guard points them toward their destination, and Dix and Syd and Syd's gargantuan boobies go off to meet Uncle Machete.
Once in Machete's inner sanctum, Syd tells him that some Russian guy referred them, and then they exchange some words about nothing in particular. Machete invites them in, and they walk down a hallway conveniently filled with many weapons of mass distraction. Dix grabs Machete by the back of the neck, and Syd asks him why he took Lucky DNA Dude's heart. Machete doesn't play so well with others, however, and some multi-level ass-kicking ensues, complete with Jennifer Garner showing off her recently acquired Daredevil double-sword skills as well as her recently boosted boobs.
Syd finally gets Machete down on the floor with her sword at his throat. Machete still won't answer. Dix decides to take matters into his own hands and starts breaking Machete's wrist as Syd watches, looking slightly afraid of the rage Dixon's exhibiting. Machete finally answers that it wasn't the heart he was after, but a machine. Dix continues breaking bones as Syd asks where the machine is. Through his screams of pain, Machete manages to communicate that the machine's on a truck, on its way to Cartagena, Colombia.
Dix finally eases up on Machete's hand and steps back. "Is that where Sloane is?" "Who?!" gasps Machete. Dix whip-kicks Machete in the face. Niiiice. Dix starts going to town on Machete's face, trying to get him to give up Sloane's whereabouts. Machete's all, I don't know any Sloane! I was hired by phone! By this guy with a mincy Brit accent! Who looks cute in suits! Dix isn't satisfied with this answer and continues to beat the ever-loving shit outta Machete. Syd finally goes, "DIXON!" and he stops. He breathes heavily for a second all, "Whuh?" Syd just stares at him. Dix walks off, leaving Syd to heave her breasts about the place and wonder if maybe she shouldn't up his dosage a bit.
Dr. Nancy's Nest Of Neuroses. Dix is undergoing a little one-on-one with Dr. Nancy, who's sporting a fantastic new 'do. She wants to talk about Dix's brush with bruising back in Guadalajara. This is yet another useless scene. Patricia Wettig's awesome. Carl Lumbly's awesome. The scene? More filler. You do realize, don't you, that this entire EPISODE is filler, right? Seriously. No, SERIOUSLY. Basically, she's all, uh, dude? Your Sloane vendetta is getting a bit out of control. Dix is all, yeah, and? Dr. Nancy's all, yeah, well, guess what? I get to decide whether or not your drug-munching ass gets to go back out into the field, okay? How do you like THEM apples? Dix is not fond of them apples, as his expression illustrates.
Meanwhile, Marshall's slurping some soup as he's gibbering on about this machine thing in Lucky DNA Dude's chest. I'm not really sure what the gist of Marshall's dialogue is, but I think it's that Lucky DNA Dude didn't have a heart at all, just a machine in there. Because, like, Marshall says something about him not ever having a heart transplant or an artificial heart, and then wonders what was keeping him alive. The whuh? With the whuh whuh?
Marshall pulls out some of his research on the Rambaldi drawings and says that there's mention of conquering tissue degeneration. Whatever. There's no ultimate conclusion to this scene except that Marshall slips up and refers to Agent Bowman as "Kerry." Syd's all, "'Kerry'? Oh, reaaaally? So she's 'Kerry,=' now, is she?" Syd's VERY amused at this point. Marshall's all, uh, yeah, I mean, Agent Bowman, I mean, uh, my girlfriend, I mean, not my girlfriend, I mean...I gotta go.
Marshall goes off to find a quiet corner in which to "amuse" himself, and Dixon walks up. He asks Syd if she told Dr. Nancy he wasn't fit for duty. Syd's all, nope. But judging by the way you tap-danced on Machete's face, I'd say you're not fit for cafeteria duty, let alone field work. Dix tells her that he's been ordered to take a drug test, and that he's been taking Vicodin. Syd looks disgusted with him. "I stopped!" he stammers. "I threw them away! But it doesn't matter, because it'll still show up on the drug test. Sydney, they're gonna suspend me."
Minutes later, Vaughn and Syd run into each other, and he tells her that her dad's developing an operation to intercept the Holocaust Heart. Syd's all, yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you tell Dr. Nancy that Dix isn't fit for duty? Vaughn's all, oops. Busted. Yeah. Yeah, I did. What of it? Syd clenches her jaw and tersely orders Vaughn to follow her into another part of Oops Center.
Syd's all, you shoulda called me first, dude. Vaughn's all, uh, are you the boss of me? Syd's all, well, no, but -- Vaughn's all, I'm sorry, ARE YOU THE BOSS OF ME? Because I don't recall seeing the memo wherein I'm instructed to GET YOUR PERMISSION to do my DAMN JOB. Hee. Syd's all, oh, you are SO not getting laid later. Vaughn's all, yeah, because THAT'S a real threat. I'm trying to protect Dixon, you dipshit. Syd's all, he's saved my life more times than I can count! Not to mention all those times he's saved my duplicitous double agent ASS when I flailed on SD-6 missions! Vaughn's all, look. I get that you and Dix have personal stakes in nabbing Sloane, okay? But it can also cloud your judgment. Syd's all, oh, man, I fucking HATE it when you patronize me. And haven't we been down this road before? Huh? I'm a fucking CIA agent, you pisher! My judgment is NEVER clouded! I mean, except for those times when I was, you know, checking out your butt down in The Subbasement Of Dreams And Desires. But NEVER outside of those times! "All right, look," snaps Vaughn, "this conversation's over. I stand by my decision." Hee. A real Spy Love Fight! Hee.
A Brilliantly Executed CGI Version Of Nepal. A sherpa named Bob is leading Sloane along a path near some mountains projected onto a bluescreen. Sloane wants to trek to the north summit. Bob the Sherpa ain't so sure about that. Sloane offers to pay Bob the Sherpa double the amount agreed upon. Bob the Sherpa declines, saying that people that go to the north summit don't return the same. What, is the north summit just a fancy way of saying "rhinoplasty" or something? Sloane leaves Bob the Sherpa behind and makes his way toward the bluescreen of snowcapped peaks.
Casa De Chick Chansons. Syd opens her front door, and her boyfriend's outside, his tail between his legs. He's sorry. She's sorry. He's cute. She's cute. Vaughn tells her that Dix's tests came back negative. This is a surprise to Syd, who knows damn well that Dixon has more Vicodin running through his veins than Carrie Fisher during Under the Rainbow. Vaughn asks if they're okay, and Syd, her hair giving off an almost hallucinogenic sheen, tells him they're fine. They embrace as Syd ponders the reality of Dixon passing his drug test.
Dixon's Domicile Of Depression. Syd, having raced right over after making the beast with two backs with her boyfriend, enters Dixon's living room. She informs him that he passed the drug test. Dix gets this look on his face that's like, "Oh, fuck." Syd asks him if he switched the results. Dix tells her that he did. Syd starts to go all self-righteous on his ass, but Dix gasps that Sloane murdered his wife and he has to make him pay for that. Syd tells him that Dr. Nancy wants to see her. Dix is frantic. "You can't tell her!" he says. "If they find out I doctored my tests, I'll never work for the government again!" Well, really, Dix, would you even want to? They haven't exactly been, you know, GOOD to you or anything. "How will I take care of my kids?" he continues. "Sydney, I don't know how to do this without Diane!" Wow. Emmy? Park it right over here in Lumbly's hands, people. Syd gets the hell out of there, not sure how to deal with the situation.
Dr. Nancy's Nest Of Neuroses. Dr. Nancy tells Syd that Jack's fought hard to keep Dixon on duty; without any evidence of drug use, she can't countermand Jack's authority. She tries to wheedle any little nugget of info out of Syd, but Syd just tells her that Dix is one of the strongest people she's ever known.
As she continues, we see one of the strongest people Syd's ever known pull his car over to the side of a bridge and get out. Syd goes on to say that, despite the agony Dix must be feeling right now, she's confident he'll pull through this. She probably wouldn't be so confident if she could see Dix right now, propped up against the edge of the bridge, arms outstretched, looking like he's about to take a header onto the road below.
Before we can see him splattered on the pavement, however, we move to the following day, and Syd's walking up to her boyfriend at Oops Center. Vaughn informs her that they've tracked the truck with the Holocaust Heart to a shipyard in Cartagena. Syd's all, did you tell Dix? Vaughn's all, yes, of course I did, but there was no answer. Happy now? Syd's not happy, however, as she's probably developing mental images of Dix sprawled out on the bathroom floor with an empty pill bottle in his hand.
Victor Garber shows up long enough to hand Syd and Vaughn their operation orders, and Not Necessary NSA Brandon tells them that by the time they reach the cargo area in Cartagena, they'll only have twenty minutes until the midnight deadline. He also tells them that, if they can't find the heart or the machine or whatever, he's been authorized to initiate secondary protocol. "Secondary protocol" in this case means rigging the entire area with enough C-4 to blow the place to kingdom come in order to destroy the Holocaust Heart and save the world.
Just then, Dix shows up. Syd has a little smile on her face in reaction to his appearance. Jack tells Syd and Vaughn to fill in Dix on the way, and then he and NNNSA Brandon walk off. Dix asks for a moment alone with Syd, and after Vaughn leaves, he thanks her for not saying anything to Dr. Nancy. Syd's all, yeah, well, you should thank me, Dr. Feelgood. Because I didn't just lie to Dr. Nancy, I lied to Vaughn as well. "I need you to look me in the eye and promise me that you can handle this," she says. "I promise," says Dix convincingly. "Okay," says Syd, appeased. "Let's go."
Fake Snowy Mountains Of Computer-Generated Goodness. Sloane slowly makes his way up a "mountain" and reaches the crest. In the distance, we see a rather stark silk-screened Buddhist temple. We quickly switch to the red-painted entrance doors as Sloane bursts through, his beard trickling melting snow all over the nice stony floors. As several meditating monks wander through the hall, Sloane tells anyone who will listen that he's there to see someone named "Conrad." The monks, wondering if this is the vision their lama told them about all those years ago, just look after him with expressions of "the HELL?" on their faces.
Sloane slams into some inner room and comes face-to-face with Grasshoppah himself, David Carradine. "Do you know who I am?" Sloane asks. "No, Grasshoppah," says Grasshoppah, "but I do know you're getting my floors all wet. Dry your damn boots!" Grasshoppah correctly surmises who Sloane is, and Sloane rewards him by whipping out a gun and shoving it in his face. Grasshoppah's all, your search for Rambaldi...it has frustrated you?
Okay, dudes, seriously. David Carradine must have the BEST sense of humor about himself, because he is so just repeating his Kung Fu character here. Like, unabashedly so. I half expected him to start talking backwards like Yoda, he's so Buddhist On The Mountaintop with this shit.
Sloane's all, FRUSTRATED? No, I'm not frustrated, you celibate FREAK. I've only been on this meaningless quest that YOU sent me on thirty years ago, and it made me abandon the CIA and betray everyone I EVER LOVED. Frustrated? Not me. No. No way. "Your wife has been killed," says Grasshoppah. This gives Sloane pause. "How did you know that?" he asks, his anger abating. Grasshoppah tells Sloane to put away the gun. "There is something I must show you." Before we can see whatever it is, however, we're carted off to Cartagena in order to pick up where the show began.
Cartagena. City Of Michael Douglas And Kathleen Turner Adventure Vehicles. Syd and Dix take out a couple of guards at the entrance to the cargo area. They make it over to the truck with the Holocaust Heart. Syd gets on the horn and informs everyone that they've made it. Vaughn, obviously promoted from Desk Jockey to Field Man Extraordinaire, pipes up that he copies and that he and his Band of Delicious Delta Force officers are ready, willing, and oh, so able. Jack copies that Vaughn copies, and tells him to await his signal.
Syd opens up the truck and finds that the goopy Holocaust Heart isn't in the truck. She announces that they'll have to search every container. NNNSA is all, nope! Don't have time. Let's blow some shit up. Jack's all, oh, just give it a minute or two, Mr. Jump The Gun. NNNSA is all, okay, fine, then move your daughter's boyfriend and his boys into place. Jack does so.
Vaughn and the boys get into position as Syd and Dix come upon some dudes. Syd quickly takes out one of the dudes and Dix handles the other, demanding to know the whereabouts of the Holocaust Heart. Guy On The Ground, from the beginning of the episode, tells Dix that he has no idea what he's talking about. Dix proceeds to break his promise to Syd and goes apeshit on Guy On The Ground. GOTG ain't giving up the goods.
Dix pulls out his little explosive device, sets it, and informs GOTG that there's enough C-4 in there to make a nice dent in this corner of Cartagena. Syd comes around the corner just then and is all, DUUUUDE! What're you DOING? And we're back where we started at the beginning of this recap. Vaughn takes aim, but before he can blow off Dix's head, GOTG gives up the location of the Holocaust Heart. Dix backs off as the counter on the C-4 counts down to zero aaaaannnnd...nothing happens. Dix looks over at Syd. "I cut the primer cord," he says, breathing heavily. "I'm not THAT desperate." Hee. That cracked me up for some reason.
Syd and all the boys head over to the container with the Holocaust Heart and fling open the doors. They come upon a metal suitcase as NNNSA announces that they have a little over two minutes to prevent the destruction of the world. Gee, not to put any pressure on anyone or anything...
After about four hours of commercials, we check back in with Grasshoppah as he's opening a slat in the floor and pulling out a box with the Eye of Rambaldi carved into the top. "Thirty years ago," he rasps, "I could only tell you so much. The information had to come to you over time or you would not have understood." Grasshoppah pulls out a bunch of different Rambaldi documents as he talks. "Certain events...needed to unfold. According to Rambaldi's writings, your wife's death, although unfortunate, was a necessary step on your journey." Sloane's all, oh, okay, Yoda In The Temple. You knew my wife was gonna die and you didn't TELL ME? Grasshoppah's all, dude? What'd I just say about shit needing to unfold? Huh? What'd I say? He pulls a long wooden container out of the box, stands, and says, "If I had [told you about your wife], I could not have given you this." He holds out the container. Sloane's all, what, an ancient Rambaldi pencil box? Fuck you, hippie.
Back at The Cargo Container Of Chaos, the Delta Force dudes announce that there's no sign of radioactivity or anything on the silver suitcase, so can they, like, open it already? With nineteen seconds left 'til the end of the world, Jack instructs the Delta leader to open it.
Back again with Grasshoppah and Satan Sloane. Grasshopper holds the case out to Sloane. "You can always choose to ignore it," he whispers. Sloane's all, ignore it? I don't THINK so.
Back with The Cargo Container Of Chaos, the Delta leader opens the case. NNNSA wants to know if he can deactivate it. Nope, says the Delta leader. 'Cuz it ain't a bomb. The rest of the crew creeps up behind him to get a look at the thing. Jack's all, what is it? Well, if I had to come up with a description, Jack, I'd say it's a clear plastic model of a human heart with a pulsating red glow stick shoved up inside it. But that's just me. NNNSA instructs the Delta leader to not answer Jack, and to shut the case and get that thing back to the CIA pronto. Yeah. Because bringing the Holocaust Heart to AMERICA would be a good idea.
And we're back with Grasshoppah and Sloane, who, of course, greedily grabs the wooden container, which it turns out isn't wooden at all, but leather. Sloane unrolls it; inside is yet another Rambaldi document. Sloane turns away, reading it, as Grasshoppah looks on, wondering if he'll ever do anything with his career that doesn't involve showing up in robes and speaking in hesitant cryptic sentences.
Oops Center. NNNSA and Jack listen as Delta leader tells them they're packing up and heading home. The timer speeds past midnight. Crisis averted, right? NNNSA apparently thinks so. "Ohhhh," he says in relief, "I guess Rambaldi was wrong." Jack just glares at him. "Your jurisdiction just expired," he snits. "I'll have a jet standing by to take you back to Washington." Hee.
Grasshoppah's Garage Of Goofiness. Sloane continues to read the document, his face a roadmap of emotions. "Now you understand," says Grasshoppah. "Your journey has just begun." The camera pulls back out of the window and, as The Horns of Impending Doom bust over the soundtrack, we get a Hefty bag full of Gouda in the form of storm clouds forming over the mountains in the distance, complete with Lightning Flashes Of Terrible Things To Come.
Back in Cartagena, Syd and Dix move off somewhere, and Dix tells her he's sorry for having asked her to lie on his behalf. Syd says it's okay. Dix tells her about his time on the bridge, his voice full of emotion. He claims he heard a baby crying somewhere, and it made him stop and think about his babies and he just couldn't go through with the suicide. Turns out it wasn't a baby crying, it was just a tree branch bending in the wind. Yeah. Because that bridge was FULL of trees bending in the wind. Whatever. Syd launches herself into Dix's arms, and they embrace as Dix cries.
"Sweetie?" "Sniff. Yes, Izzy?" "Are you crying?" "Snurfle. No." "You are crying! Oh, potato pie, don't cry!" "I'M NOT. SNIFF. CRYING. SNUFFLE. SHUT UP." "Here, precious. Blow your nose on my feather boa." "But...but it's so pretty!" "That's alright, lamby. I have dozens more." "Thank you, Izzy. And tell Julio to get more vodka. This recap's almost over and I need to be drunker than I already am..."
Aretha sings us a groovy little song about how we're all she needs to get by as we check in with our resident lovebirds. Syd and Vaughn are enjoying some fro-yo on a bench in Griffith Park. Vaughn asks for a bite of Syd's. Hee. That's cute. Vaughn tells her that Dix is going to be okay, because he turned himself in for the whole test-messing incident and that matters to the CIA. Syd chooses this moment to tell Vaughn that she lied to him about not knowing that Dix tampered with his results. Forehead Wrinkle #1084 inserts itself near his left temple as Syd tells her boyfriend that, since her parents weren't around as she was growing up, she never had anyone to disappoint. "That's different now," she says. "I'm sorry." I'm sorry too, Syd. I'm sorry that you weren't worried about disappointing Dead Danny. Or Dixon. Or Francie. Or Will. Guess none of those people were worth disappointing, huh? Only Vaughn's worth that.
Vaughn takes this kernel of information relatively well, choosing to spoon some of his fro-yo into his girlfriend's mouth instead of, you know, throwing it in her FACE and then smearing it around a bit. He gets up and holds out his hand, she takes it, and they walk off in mutually disappointed bliss.
on Alias: The stellar two-hour finale, which I will be viewing at the humble abode of the fabulously bitchy Wendy Kroy. His gorgeous (and equally bitchy) boyfriend, Rona, will also be in attendance. As will my tape recorder. Trust me, people. You won't want to miss THAT recap.