Previously on Alias: ABC forced us to take yet another week off so OF COURSE they have to treat us to "previouslys" dating back to 48 B. fucking C. What happened last time on the show? Who gives a shit? Oh, wait -- Spy Daddy and Spy Mommy DID IT and all the blood rushed to a different head and Spy Mommy got away, thanks, in part, to Uncle Arvy.
This week, we start at the end. No, really. No. Really. Syd's running somewhere with a gun. Irina shoots at her. Syd shoots back. They both breathe heavily. More shooting. Chasing. Shooting. Irina escapes up a hatch and Syd scatter-slow-mos over to her, yelling at her to FREEZE! Irina stupidly does. Durr. NEVER FREEZE WHEN SOMEONE ASKS YOU TO! Syd hesitates. Irina takes the hesitation as an opportunity to bolt. Syd actually shoots! Yee-haw! Irina grimaces. The thing we see is a helicopter landing, but we don't see who's in it. Now outside, Syd runs over to a fallen figure, whose identity we don't know. Vaughn and Dixon approach, with Vaughn ordering someone to get a medic because they have a woman down. Dixon looks disgusted with himself. Vaughn just looks concerned. Syd bawls her crybaby eyes out.
Huh. You wouldn't think that Spy Mommy's DEAD or anything, would you? I mean, even if you don't read the spoilers, it's pretty damn obvious that we're SUPPOSED to think it's Spy Mommy and not Auntie Em who's dead. Oops! Did I say that out loud? Naughty Regina. Bad girl!
Hell-Lay. Five days earlier. See? See how they started at the end? Pay attention! Vaughn and Syd are walking through Oops Center, and Vaughn's saying something about being kept in debrief or whatever. Then he goes, "If you don't see me ever again, it's been fun." And Syd just goes, "Shut up." And they're both so damn cute. It's, like, a two-second scene, but it's totally how I talk to my boyfriends (real or imaginary), so it kind of tweaked me and made me giggle knowingly. Oh, and Jennifer Garner does this cute mock-pout thing when she says "shut up" that is so precious it made Wendy Kroy pick up the phone, dial my number, and go, "I wish I were STRAIGHT."
A couple of CIA thugs come up and inform Vaughn that Richard Lewis would like to see him, and the head thug relieves Vaughn of his ID tag. Oooooh. Must be serious. I'd be much more afraid of Head CIA Thug if he weren't partially balding and looking like Andy Richter's slightly less attractive, moderately paunchier, older cousin of dubious familial origins.
After Vaughn leaves, Syd scoots over to her papa and starts hissing about how Vaughn's innocent and not guilty of treason and if he promises to have her home before midnight on a weekday can she still go to the prom with him? Jack's all, no. And stop making phone calls from your bedroom after midnight from beneath your sheets. Do you think I can't SEE the flashlight and the cord under the door? Oh, and the operation in Panama? With your mother? Yeah. Not so much.
Syd's all, what happened? Is Mommy okay? Do you think SHE'D let me go to prom with my hot blue-oxford-wearing boyfriend with the clever eyes? Spy Daddy takes a singular pause and then goes, "Your mother betrayed us," in this completely blunt manner. Oh, and Victor Garber does this sideways glance before he says it, as if to suggest that Jack's having difficulty with the decision to tell Syd that her mother's a sneaky backstabbing bitch, but it's so quick that it's obviously Victor Garber's way of communicating just how tactless and calculating Jack can really be. Hee.
Of course, Syd's all up on her mother's side and like, no WAY! You don't know that! It's probably Sloane's doing! He's eeeevil! Mommy's good! Jack's all, yeah, uh, how good would she be if, like, right before we headed out for the op she STOLE THE RAMBALDI MANUSCRIPT AND REPLACED IT WITH A BUNCH OF POST-IT NOTES? Syd's all, oh, yeah, well, the stealing of the manuscript I could excuse -- but the Post-It notes? That is SO wrong.
Actually, Syd doesn't really say much of anything, preferring to stare off into the distance as if a better mother who bakes oatmeal cookies and attends every swim meet and DOESN'T betray her on a regular basis were off in the corner, knitting an striped turtleneck sweater. Jack continues to hammer home the point that Irina and Sloane planned the whole damn thing. Syd just whispers, "Mommie? Mommie Dearest?"
thing we know, we're heading into Mama Hari's Den of Delights, sans the star attraction. Dixon stomps in and finds Syd sitting on the bed, looking forlorn. He takes a seat to her. I'm sorry. Carl Lumbly doesn't even have to say anything and his presence alone is comforting. I mean it. And I'm not saying that just because I'm lonely. Or sad. Or that it's raining outside...
Hold me.
Dix tells Syd that he heard about Irina's betrayal and how sorry he is. Sniffle. Shut up. Syd says nothing as Dix goes on to tell her that they're having a briefing in ten minutes in order to draft a plan to catch Boris and Natasha before they visit more eeeevil upon the world. "I'm supposed to tell you," he says, "you're not obligated to go." Syd just shows Dix her mother's diamond earrings and says her mother left a note instructing that Syd should have them. Then she blathers something about how, when Jack told her that something went way wrong with the Panama job, she immediately thought her mommy was dead. Again. Some more. And that she hoped Irina had died proving herself a hero. Oh, stop bellyaching, Syd. Dix says that no one can be blamed for trusting their own mother. Syd's all, yeah, thanks for the Zen, Master Buddha. Only problem with that is, I actually wish she HAD died. Again. Some more.
, we're on a small private jet, flying to lands unknown. The Terrible Trio is chillin' in style. Sloane, Irina, and Sark are all representin' and all three of them are dressed completely in ultra-slimming black. Irina's sporting high heels, which I consider to be totally unnecessary as well as completely impractical. What, she bails on Jack, has a couple of dudes killed on either side of her, and now she wants to dress it up a bit? On a plane? IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SKY? What-fucking-ever.
Little Sarkie plays with his laptop (hee!) while Sloane and Irina exchange information and vaguely menacing niceties. She says something about contacts, he asks how she is, she says that the extraction went well, he says he meant how is SHE, et cetera. When Sloane asks about her well-being, Sark kind of glances at her as if to say, "How you gonna handle THIS one, Mom?" Irina just smiles beautifully at Sloane and says that she's happy to see him again. Sloane's all, yeah, I was just thinking the exact same thing! Isn't that funny? Sark doesn't think it's funny, and his rather piercing glance at Sloane suggests as much. I'm thinking that the triangular layout of this scene, Irina at one end, Sloane at the other, Sark in the middle, is completely intentional and done solely for the purpose of making us all think, "Happy Little Eeeevil Spy Family." And, like, Sark keeps looking back and forth between both of them, as if he's Syd back on that train when Jack and Irina were discussing naked toast burning or something.
Sloane gets down to business and asks about the genetic database. Irina says something about acquiring it and handing it over to Sloane. Yeah. I don't know what the hell is going on. Sloane blabs about being in Tuscany with Emily, and Irina asks how she is. Oh, what-EVER. Get to the part where Irina threatens Sloane's ass! Sloane speeds up this process by blithering about how Emily misses Syd and how much they both loved her. "As if she were our own," he slimes. Ew! Shut up, Dr. Skeevil.
Irina's face just drops, and this veil of steel comes down. She makes this sort of extraneous hand gesture to Sark and goes, "Excuse us." The HELL? What has HAPPENED to the Sark who assassinated the head of the K-Directorate? He used to shoot people in cold blood, and now he's reduced to a computer jockey who takes dismissive gestures without blinking an eye? I am NOT digging this at ALL.
Once Sarkie slinks off with this rather annoyed expression on his face (and justifiably so), Irina leans forward and is all, okay, buddy, I'm onto you. You think you can wander around here and pull off this "devoted husband my wife is my world" fucking booshit, but I see right through you, you sadistic little warthog. Sloane's all, ooh, aren't we a bit hinky this evening? I suggest you take a fucking nap and step off the Sloane Slander, okay?
Irina's all, oh, I'll step off, alright. I'll step off a platform ONTO YOUR FUCKING POINTY LITTLE HEAD. And while we're at it, mention your so-called "love" for Sydney again, and I'll rip your testicles off, dip them in tempura batter, deep-fry them, and serve them to you on a plate of your own chest hair, okay? Sloane just looks at her contemptuously, instructs her again to get some rest, and leaves. Irina smolders out the window and we're left to wonder whether Sloane's actually Sydney's father or whether Sloane just wishes he'd actually been Sydney's father instead of Jack. Neither option is particularly appealing, if you ask me.
Conference Room Of Endless Expositions. Kendall's ca-ca-ing about Irina and Sloane and how, due to Jack's "intimate knowledge" of Irina (hee!), Langley's seen fit to give Jack operational control of this operation. Heh. Jack has Kendall's joooob! Jack has Kendall's joooob! Neener neener neener! That's right, Kendall! Sit yo ass down! SIT! Jumpin' Jack Bristow's at the helm! (This should in no way suggest that I am not a fan of Terry O'Quinn; quite the contrary. I love him. I dig him the most. Call me, Terry!)
As Jack stands up, Syd shoots a surprised look at her father. There's the slightest hint of a smile on her face, as if she's thinking, "Awww, yeah, Daddy-O! You're mean and cold and you taught me how to assemble a gun in under forty seconds when I was SIX, but you just kicked Kendall's ass! Go Daddy! Go Daddy! It's your birthday!" Jack says that Irina and Sloane likely formed a partnership, and that Irina was tagged with a passive tracking device.
Uh-oh. Marshall's Geek-O-Meter's been triggered. He's all, uh, no, actually, excuse me sir, but, uh, congratulations on the whole head of the task force thing and, like, uh, the tracking device? In your ex-wife's shoulder? It was SO not passive. In fact, it was the opposite of passive. Like, uh, active? And stuff? Jack's all, yes, well, actually, it IS passive, Gomer. I removed the original one in case she was swept for bugs. "Without her knowledge," he says, without a trace of smirkiness, "I injected her with a passive transmitter." Oh. Is that what they're calling it nowadays? Oh, Jack! Inject me with your big, hot, PASSIVE TRANSMITTER!!! YES! YES! YES!
Why, good evening, gutter! How are YOU?
Marshall's totally impressed with Jack's foreskin -- I mean, "foresight"! He's all, wow, that's totally cool. Nice going, big guy. While he twitters away, Sydney just looks down at her pad of paper with the CIA logo on it and tries not to picture her dad "injecting" her mother with ANYTHING. EVER. Then Marshall's all, hey, by the way, how'd you plant it without her knowing? Syd shoots a glance at Jack. Jack looks back at his daughter. Pause. Pin dropping in Dolby Surround Sound. Hee.
Jack just ignores Marshall and goes on to say that the transmitter is programmed to send a signal twelve hours from now, which will give Irina enough time to reach Sloane before going active. That Jack. He thinks of everything. Not only did he predict that Irina would betray him, he also somehow knew just how long it would take for Irina to hook up with Sloane. Maybe Jack could team up with the Pet Psychic and offer up his predictions on how long it'll take for pets to surreptitiously pee in their owners' shoes or eat tampons out of the bathroom garbage.
Tuscany. Land Of Cyprus Trees, Olive Oil, And Pulpy Bernardo Bertolucci Films Featuring Leggy Virgins. Uncle Arvin and Auntie Em are strolling along to a beautiful swimming pool as Arvy surprises Em with the information that the house is theirs; he closed on it just the other day. Auntie Em's all, the last few months sucked rocks, but this house makes it all worthwhile! Sloane's all, I know! Isn't it awesome? I lurve you the most, muffin. They make out. Aww. Check out the over-forties gettin' their game on.
Shooting Range Of Betrayed Daughters With Trust Issues. Syd's making some dents in a paper target when her boyfriend saunters up and tells her, "Nice grouping." And yes, he says this without a single DROP of sleaziness. I can't believe it either. Syd greets him with a kiss and floats her target up as Vaughn exposits about how his security clearance was downgraded, but Spy Daddy convinced the boys upstairs to keep him field graded. Yawn. So, I guess Desk!Vaughn! really is a thing of the past. Once again proving that it really is all about her, Syd says, "So, then, you heard about my mother." Vaughn's all, uh, yeah, but could we for a second focus on the whole I DIDN'T LOSE MY FUCKING JOB news? Syd's all, yeah, yeah, yeah, enough about YOU. You were totally right to investigate my mother. She's a bitch. I hate her. And she never told me if I could go to prom with you, so you're gonna have to ask my dad and he already hates your guts so I think we can totally kiss the whole prom thing good-bye. Wanna go to Burger King and make out over by the napkin dispenser?
Syd's relatively pissed off, and Vaughn suggests that maybe Syd shouldn't be part of the Irina hunt. "No one should have to hunt down their own mother, no matter what the circumstances are," he says. "She was never my mother," says Syd, setting her jaw. "You wanna believe that?" says Valiant Vaughn. That's it. He's touched the Pissy Nerve. Syd gets all huffy and says in this petulant voice, "Don't do this to me again. Don't condescend." Hee. She's totally cheesed off at her boyfriend. Two more minutes of this and he's sleeping on the sofa. At his apartment. Without a blanket. FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE.
Vaughn's oblivious, however, to the impending threat on his sex life, and keeps at her about cornering her mother and not being able to pull the trigger, concluding that hesitating could cost Syd her life. "I won't hesitate," she says, taking aim at the target. Okay, that was totally supposed be all tough and shit, but the punctuation of the "I won't hesitate" with a rain of gunfire kind of lost its power when Syd had to spend thirty seconds putting on the protective eyewear and headphones. Like, I get that in the real world, you HAVE to wear that shit; it's a requirement. I get that. But I probably would have giggled myself silly if Syd had just looked at Vaughn, spat out the dialogue, and gone to fucking TOWN on the target. But this is Alias, not Lethal Weapon, so I'll back off the desire for unrealistic elements that's plaguing me at the moment.
After the break, we're treated to a Spanky and Alfalfa face-off, complete with projectile spitting and bursting blood vessels. Kendall's all, yeah, so I let you run with the whole "trust Irina" plan, right? And now I find out that you didn't really believe that shit yourself? Because, like, if you really trusted her, you sure as HELL wouldn't have slipped her the passive transmitter (HEE!) without notifying me of your actions! "It was my call to let her out and I stand by that decision," Kendall snaps, "but you blindsided me, you son of a bitch! And your pretense of an apology doesn't do either of us any good." Oh, Kendall. Go find a desk and start pushing some number two pencils around. You're all wrapped up here.
During Kendall's little spit-a-thon, Jack regards him calmly and ignores the wall of saliva that's coming at him from Kendall's frothing mouth. Once Director Desk Job's finished his impassioned speech, Jack just goes, yeah, see, you forced my little girl to deal directly with her sociopathic bitch of a mother. Kendall's all, I totally stand by that call! I knew what I was doing! And it was fun! Jack's all, yeah, whatever, Captain File Clerk. I'm not looking to oust you, you paranoid FREAK. As soon as I can guarantee that Irina's out of the picture and can't harm my baby anymore, you can have your TITLE back. And he slams all this emphasis on the "title" as if to say, "Oh, sure, you'll be the 'director' again, my friend. In name only. Get used to the pencils and the spreading ass. You won't be leaving your desk for quite some time."
Spanky and Alfalfa are staring each other down, willing the other guy to back the fuck off, when Marshall approaches and dithers and dotters about which man is in charge and who he's supposed to talk to and both Jack and Kendall snap around and go, "WHAT IS IT NOW, YOU IRREPRESSIBLE MOTORMOUTH?" Or Jack goes, "What IS IT, Marshall?" And Kendall goes, "What do you WANT?" Hee. I rewound that scene, like, seven times. It's still making me giggle. Marshall informs the boys that the passive transmitter has started blipping and they're now tracking Irina. Jack shoots a glance at Kendall. Kendall shoots him the finger. And we're off to track the Bad Mama Jamma.
We're on a "plane" high above the "clouds." I think it's the same shot of the plane that Sloane and Irina were supposed to be on. Whatever. Syd and her boyfriend are addressing the CIA team about the upcoming op. Basically, they're supposed to track Irina, who seems to be in Stuttgart at the moment, but aren't to move in on her until they've confirmed that they have Sloane and Sark located as well.
Stuttgart. The Greenest City In Europe. No, really. That's what they call it. We're at some random building and Irina, dressed in a stellar black suit and sporting a "just woke up from a bed of lust and doesn't my hair looks fabulous" hairdo that's making her all sorts of sexy. And the nerdy black glasses are only adding to the hotness. She's blabbing to some dude about his human genome project. I'm too busy wondering why I can't look like Lena Olin when I wear my nerdy black glasses to pay attention to what the hell they're talking about.
Sarkie's listening in on her conversation from a van parked outside. Inside, I think Irina hands her companion a large check or something, because he immediately escorts her to the server room where the data is. Sark informs her that the server room is located in such a place that radio contact isn't possible and that, when she's ready for extraction, he'll be standing by. Huh. You think that "no radio contact" part is important? Hmmm...
Meanwhile, in the CIA Caper Car (okay, it's really a van, but "car" just sounded better; remember, I'm all about the alliteration), Syd's checking in with Kendall, Marshall and Dad back at Oops Center. She wants to know if there's any intel on the location they've tracked Irina to. Oh, and Syd's hair and makeup? Fan-TASTIC. Really. She should chase after her mother more often. Her hair's all curly and disheveled and she has her super-special smoky spy eyeliner on. Not that it really matters in the CIA Caper Car or anything, but just in case she has to act the part of a sexy civilian with a great head of tousled hair, she's all set.
Jack informs Syd that the building where Irina happens to be is Brücker Biotech, and they're the German equivalent of the Human Genome Project. Or something. Kendall hitches up his pants and tries to still sound in charge by spouting off a list of a bunch of analytical crap the CIA's running on Brücker. Vaughn's all, ooooh, Sloane and Spy Mommy getting their hands on genetic research? That is SO not good. Marshall relays the feed of the Brücker CCTV system to Syd and Vaughn. One of the lackeys informs Syd that they're moving into position outside the building.
And, boy, are they ever! Sark's just sitting in his van, waiting on Irina, and this enormous khaki TRUCK pulls up outside Brücker and parks it. Sark watches as this guy with dark glasses hops out, looks around suspiciously, and then walks off. The HELL? They couldn't procure a German phone company van? A German dry cleaning van? A German ANYTHING OTHER THAN A BIG FUCKING GREEN TRUCK WITH NO MARKINGS ON THE OUTSIDE? And they pull up OUT FRONT? Don't the Germans have PARKING GARAGES? Or did they get rid of those along with the BERLIN WALL AND BORIS BECKER?
Good holy Jesus in a jumpsuit.
Sark's internal alarm system's been triggered (hell, a blind, deaf, and MUTE'S internal alarm system would have been triggered with that hamhock of a fuckwitted CIA entry) and he makes for the building entrance, getting on his cell phone and informing the person on the other end that he's Irina's assistant and that he needs a building pass ASAP. As he enters, Syd catches him on the CCTV. Oh, for god's sake, LOOK OUT THE WINDOW! You don't need a monitor! HE'S FIVE FEET AWAY FROM YOU!
Syd gets on the horn and tells her dad that she's spotted Sark. SO HAS EVERYONE IN THE TRI-STATE AREA, SYD! He's THISCLOSE to you! Jack's all, yeah, we see him. Hold your position. Kendall whips his dick out and slams it on the desk, telling Jack, "For now. We've confirmed Derevko and Sark, that's good enough for me." Jack grabs a crane and a bulldozer and orders a ten-man team of Teamsters to help him haul his gargantuan love flute onto the desk. After the room stops quaking, Jack just looks at Kendall and goes, "Noted."
Back in Stuttgart, Irina's entering the server room with Soon To Be Dead German Guy. He blah blahs about the genome crap and suddenly, Sarkie enters, whips out his gun (hee!), shoots the surveillance camera in the corner, gets this creepy little grimace/smile on his face, and shoots the blah-blahing German in the chest. Syd tells the team back home that Sark's taken out the security camera. Kendall's all, durr, they may know we're here. No, REALLY, Ken-DULL? What was your first fucking clue? That part where your team DROVE THEIR VAN OF OBVIOUSNESS INTO THE LOBBY AND STARTED SHOUTING "WE'RE THE CIA! WE'RE THE CIA! WE'RE THE CIA!"? God. What a dumb-ass.
Sark tells Irina that they've been tracked, and declares himself clean as a whistle. Then he goes over Irina with a passive tracking device detector or something, and it starts bleeping when it gets to her cleavage. You'd bleep too if you got near Lena Olin's cleavage. Irina just goes, "Jack!" And she looks sort of pissed and bemused at the same time. Like, he duped her! Just like she duped him! Way to go, honey! I'll make a son of a bitch outta you yet!
Spanky and Alfalfa continue their cockfight at Oops Center. Kendull wants to move in with the troops now, because if they don't, they could lose everything. Jack resists, because they haven't located Sloane yet and he's their ultimate target. Whatever, boys. Just measure them and get it over with. I'm sure you'll find that Jack's is bigger, stronger, heavier, and much more talented. Moving on...
At the same time, Sark's unpacking his handy portable electro heart starter pad thingys. I don't know what they're called. I don't care. It still doesn't make any fucking sense that he's carting them around in the first place. Irina rips open her jacket and throws herself dramatically up against a wall. Sark readies the pads, but hesitates before actually shooting her full of electricity. And no, I don't think he was in awe of her boobs. (Even though I truly am and David Anders probably was thanking his lucky stars that he got this job.) I've watched it a bunch of times now, and he's looking directly at her face as if to say, "But I could hurt you!" Irina sees this hesitation and orders Sark to "Do it!" Hee. Sark slaps the pads on her chest and hits the trigger, causing Irina to buck and jerk like she's just put a wet finger in a socket.
Back at Oops Center, they realize that Irina's signal is lost. Jack was holding out the hope that, because Irina was still transmitting, it didn't matter that Sloane wasn't with them; they could track her to his location in the near future. Now, without the transmitter, they could be well and truly fucked. Jack orders Syd and her team to move in. Syd starts barking orders like a woman who hasn't spent three hours in a stylist's chair.
Irina and Sark are trying to copy something from the server. There's some blah-blahing about how it's encrypted and how it'll take five minutes to transfer. Irina orders Sark to remove all trace of evidence that they were ever on the premises. He vows to take care of it, mentions that he'll set the detonator for six minutes, then tells her that he'll meet her at the extraction point. He runs off to plant a detonator on a random pipe somewhere.
Syd's careening through the hallways with her Elektra hair flowing and her gun flailing. Seriously. She's screeching around corners with a fucking weapon in the midst of a bunch of civilians. Really. Where'd she learn to be a spy? The Falcon And The Snowman College Of Carelessness? She manages to make her way to the server room, sees the dead guy, but no sign of Spy Mommy, who finished copying the info and bolted mere seconds before Syd entered the room.
Meanwhile, in some stairway somewhere, Vaughn and Dixon are waving their guns around at nothing. Sark makes his way to the same stairway and, after Dix opens the door to the hall, Sark knocks him down. Then it's time for the Vaughn/Sark skirmish. There's lots of punching and kicking and karate chops and DAYUM, these boys are hot. The whole fight takes about three seconds and, at the end of it, Vaughn's cornered and Sark has the gun. However, instead of shooting Vaughn in the head, which, actually, Sark is close enough and good enough to do, he just shoots him in the chest. The hell? It looks like he's going to shoot him again, but Vaughn's girlfriend gets there just in time and shoots the gun out of Sark's hand from a floor above. He runs off, and Syd scrambles down to her boyfriend.
I have no idea why Syd's sporting checkered low-rise pants, a suede duster coat, and a teensy tank top, instead of, say, a flak suit and several pounds of bulletproof paraphernalia, but she looks fantastic as she speeds down the stairs to her boyfriend. She rips open Vaughn's jacket and, sure enough, the bulletproof vest saved him. See, Sark, you shoulda gone for the head; ain't no invisible bulletproof headgear been invented as far as I know.
There's a nice moment here as Syd totally ignores her job, which is, you know, TO CATCH SARK, and spends several seconds enjoying the relief that her new boyfriend is alive and well and unharmed. She gently kisses him, asks him if he's okay, and then FINALLY runs after Sark with Vaughn in tow. As they race down a hallway, Irina appears at the other end and shouts, "Sydney!" Syd and Vaughn stop and turn, looks of surprise upon their faces. Irina runs, and Syd and Vaughn chase her out of the building as the detonator counts down. It hits "one" and the building blows to bits as the lovers take cover.
Tuscany. Auntie Em's in the kitchen chopping peppers. Watch out you don't cut off a finger, there, Em! Oh. Wait. You already did that. My bad. Arvy enters and is all, what's for dinner, woman! Instead of stabbing him in the neck with her butcher knife and stuffing his mouth with red and green peppers, Em just informs him that they're having bread soup or something, and he goes off to get the wine. His cell phone rings, and Em picks it up. It's Irina, and she just goes, "Yeah, hi there. Can I speak to your husband, please? You, of course, are of no interest to me."
Arvy enters just then, sees his wife handling his phone, drops the bottle of wine, smacks the phone out of Em's hand, and goes, "You nosy BITCH! That's MY phone! Who said you could answer my phone? Huh? Now, go make me a turkey potpie! Or bread soup! Or WHATEVER!" Or he just enters and Auntie Em tells him that the call's for him (Duh! It's his fucking phone!) and that it's a woman. Sloane doesn't even address the "woman" part and just takes the phone from his wife.
Irina tells him that she recovered the file and that she was tracked. Em just kind of silently looks peeved as she grates some Parmesano-Reggiano. Irina suggests that Sloane's cover has probably been blown as well, and that he and Em should get the hell outta there and meet her at the airfield. Sloane agrees, and they ring off. "We have to leave," he says bluntly. Auntie Em's all, the what? The hell? Arvy's all, yeah, it's just a precaution, but we gotta make tracks. Let's move it! Em's all, what in the HELL is going on? Arvy's all, I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you, and you're going to die at the end of this episode anyway, so could you stop whinnying and bleating and just get a fucking MOVE on here?
Conference Room Of Endless Expositions. Yay! Will's back! And he's still not wearing a suit! Get a SUIT, Willage! Hell, I'll even buy you a tie! One that matches your eyes...right, so, Will's filling in the troops about Brücker and the research they did. Basically, they sponsored genetic research and the mapping of sequencing human chromosomes. Yeah. No idea. Like radio static. La la la. Also? It's rumored that Brücker catalogued the DNA of possibly millions of private citizens. Wall of noise. Fizzzzzzzz.
This brings out the ubergeek in Marshall and he pipes up, "Well, if that's true then, for one...um, I'm sorry to interrupt, I just -- is that suede?" Hee. Will's all, uh, yeah, freaknut. What is UP with this guy? I love how Marshall is a universal annoyance. He bugs everyone equally. He's an equal opportunity pain in the ass! Hee hee. Marshall finally gets down to brass tacks and announces that, if Sloane gets his hands on this DNA info, he could easily develop a genetically targeted virus or could pollute the entire water supply just to kill one specific person. Radio static, people. Seriously.
Jack shuts Marshall up by announcing that he'll instruct the NSA to add derivations of genomes and genetics to the Echelon watch list. Yawn. Everyone gets up to leave, but Marshall stops Syd and asks her about that moment when her mother called out her name before the building exploded. "Well, why'd she do that?" he stammers. "Does that seem weird to anyone or is that just me? It's cool if it is just me...it is just me, isn't it?" Hee. Jack pipes up that Irina may have wanted to save her daughter's life. Syd, newly betrayed by her mother, states, "I doubt that's the case."
Anonymous Airfield Of Terrible Terrorists And Their Witless Wives. Arvy and Em enter a plane, and Arvy informs his wife that it's his plane. Em's reached the end of her tether, and tells Arvy that she's been more than patient and to bring on the explanations already. Just then, Irina stands up. Her hair's all messy again (I love that!) and she's sporting a gray turtleneck sweater with buttons on one shoulder. How does she look gorgeous in something as plain as that? It's baffling to me.
Em's totally flummoxed at the reappearance of her once-dead friend. Irina moves forward and hugs her, and if it was Em's wedding band finger that was cut off and sent to Sloane all those months ago, her finger has miraculously reappeared. I honestly don't know if it was ever stated just which finger it was that was cut off, but I have yet to see one missing from either of her hands. I'm just sayin'.
Irina tells Em that Arvy will explain everything, hands him the genetics disk as promised, and leaves. Arvy starts to quietly tell his wife to have a seat, but Em's ready to blow. She's all, okay, uh, I've about had enough here, Captain Craptastic. How long have you known Irina was alive? Arvy's all, uh, not long. Two weeks? A month? I don't know. Em's all, DUDE. SPILL IT. What in the FUCK is happening around here? And don't talk down to me. Don't leave anything out. I CUT MY FINGER OFF FOR YOU. The least you can do is be honest with me! Arvy's all, yeah, but the finger grew back! It's a miracle! Em's all, FUCK YOUR MIRACLES! What're we doing here with a woman who died twenty years ago?! Arvy's all, I'm pursuing the truth! Em's all, oh, well, that's okay then. That explains it all! Guess you and I are looking for the same thing! I hate you, you sanctimonious deceptive PRICK!
Sloane finally states, "Emily, what I am looking for, among other things, will let you live cancer-free." "I am cancer-free," she spits. "Forever," he says, smiling beatifically at her. And there's this moment where you can totally tell that Auntie Em's on the fence about her sneak of a husband, but living indefinitely without having to go through chemo is veeeeerrrrry tempting...
Plot Device Diner. The Cute Couples are enjoying a Francinator feast and discussing Syd and Francie's high school days. Will's amazed that his girlfriend used to date a quarterback. Francinator delivers a very good impression of Francie smiling as Syd goes, "What was his name? Frank? Hank?" Francinator just looks at her plate and goes, "I forgot all about that guy." And the smile drops from Syd's face faster than you can say, "Debra Messing Needs To Eat About FIFTEEN Big Macs."
Dude. DUDE. I barely dated in high school but I remember EVERY LAST GUY I EVER LIKED. And I'm thirty-four! Freshman year, I totally had the hots for Matt Messino, a senior who had NO idea I existed. Sophomore year, I was digging Denis Duffy's chili. Junior year, I was all about the Hunt Baldwin. By senior year, I'd given up on high school boys because they were basically a bunch of skirt-chasing, beer-swilling, horndogs who cared more about keggers than kissing, so no name to report there.
But, see? That was, like, ten years ago, and I remember ALLLLL of them. There's no way in HELL that Francie wouldn't remember that guy's name. Or, even if she didn't, she could have, like, COVERED better! Seriously. She couldn't have gone, "Oh, who cares? He slept with a football under his pillow!" Or, like, "It should have been 'Lank' if you know what I mean, and I think you do!" I mean, a good insult is always an appropriate cover for forgetting someone's name. And on a different note, Francinator's doing the giggle/embarrassment thing, so it's not glaringly obvious that she doesn't actually know the guy's name, so why does Syd all of a sudden look blazingly suspicious of her roommate? It. Makes. No. Sense.
Then, in order to deflect attention from her relatively poor impersonation of Sydney's best friend, Francinator GIVES VAUGHN A PRESENT. Syd's all, uh, you bought my boyfriend a present? Francinator's all, uh, yeah. Why not? "Because it's the weirdest thing of all time?" quips Will. Hee. It's no weirder than you sleeping with your jailbait assistant, but you're so adorable that we'll let it pass. Francinator's all, I just saw something and thought of him. Syd looks at her as if she's turned white, tattooed eyeliner around her eyes and red lipstick onto her lips, and has started calling her baby "Blanket" and referring to herself as "Peter Pan."
Once again, Francinator tries to move attention away from how fucking WEIRD she's being by suggesting to Will that maybe he could pick her up a little something sometime. Since Will's no longer certain just WHOM he's dating, that might be rather difficult to do. Syd pipes up that Francinator's making her look bad because she hasn't even bought her boyfriend a present yet. No, Syd. Francinator's not making you look bad because you're not buying your boyfriend presents, she's making you look bad because SHE'S SO OBVIOUSLY NOT FRANCIE THAT YOU SHOULD HAVE FIGURED IT OUT BY NOW.
Vaughn finally opens the box, and it's a tie. A TIE? Where was Francinator shopping, Men's Wearhouse? She was just out buying men's underwear or something and came across this tie? She couldn't have picked him up a cell phone carrier, or a handbook on how to date someone you work with? What is WITH her? And it's not TOO obvious that the tie probably has a transmitter in it or something, is it? God, this is stupid. Everyone's clearly uncomfortable with the situation, but both Syd and Vaughn get paged right that moment, so they fly out of there before Syd can go, "Francie? Is that you? Francie? ARE YOU A CLONE?"
Oops Center. Syd and Vaughn enter and want to know what's up. Jack shows them some footage from a security camera at the consulate in Florence. It's Auntie Em. Syd stares at the screen. That's right, Syd. Not only is Auntie Em alive, but she has all her fingers AND she wants to talk only to you about Sloane. Gee. Doesn't THAT sound familiar?
Florence. City Of Vespas, Vino, And Very Cute Boys Named Antonio. Auntie Em's sitting in some room, looking relatively tortured. Syd enters and just stands there for a second, staring at her once-dead pseudo-mother-figure. Syd's all, yeah, uh, I spoke at your funeral and I said lots of really nice things and can you possibly tell me why I seem to be plagued with mothers, both blood-related and non-blood-related, who keep dying and then SHOWING UP LATER IN MY LIFE? Em's all, yeah, Arvy told me you spoke, and no, honey, I can't answer that question for you. I'm too busy trying to figure out how my finger grew back.
Syd takes a seat, and Em blathers something about Irina being alive and how she didn't want Syd to be put through the pain of losing a mother only to have her be brought back to life. Or something. What? With who? Where? Then Em goes on to say some crap about the Alliance and how they had to believe she was dead. Syd's all, oh, great, so you knew about Uncle Arvin and the Alliance and yet you STILL stayed with him? Em's all, yeah, well, YOU try getting cancer and not clinging to your husband! Not so easy, sister!
More blah-blahing from Em about how Arvy 'fessed up to his Alliance association and then swore to her that he'd make it all right in the end and that she gave him a second chance. Syd's all, yeah, sure, he loves you. I get it. Doesn't mean he's not a psychotic PRICK. Em blabs that Arvy told her his plan, and that it involves finding out what Rambaldi was working on, and that Arvy rationalizes all the bad shit he's done in his life because he's doing it for his and Em's future, and GET ON WITH IT ALREADY. Em finally says that she'll help the CIA bring him in, but that she'll only do it if she can get a guarantee that they won't give him the death penalty when they catch him. Yeah. That'll happen.
Later, Kendall, Jack, and Vaughn are scooting through Oops Center as Kendall basically shits all over the idea of guaranteeing Sloane a non-death sentence. He's pretty much under the impression that the wily and conniving Emily could be leading them into a trap or misdirection. Vaughn's all, no way! Syd trusts Em! I mean, less so now that she's been dead and then resurrected, but still, big trust going on there! Kendall's all, yeah, whatever, flyboy. Let's threaten her with prosecution and see how cooperative she is then!
Vaughn's all, oh my GOD! Would you give it up already! Jack's all, totally, dude! You're not even IN CHARGE HERE! Kendall's all, oh, yeah, that's right. Well, in that case, I'll be in the supply cabinet getting high on permanent marker fumes. Call me if you need me. He clomps off, and Jack turns to Vaughn and tells him to go to Florence with Dix while Jack tells Syd to make the Em deal. They go their separate ways after Jack thumps Vaughn on the shoulder. Awww. Daddy likes Syd's boyfriend! Now they can go to the prom!
Then we're hanging with the appealingly disheveled Spy Mommy as she informs Sloane via cell phone that she's meeting with some dude this afternoon who can help her decrypt the genetic database. Sloane just sits in his Silo of Satan and says nothing. Irina's all, dude? You there? Hellloooo? Sloane finally speaks up, and when he does, he tells Irina that he wants her to buy him out and that he's willing to sell her the breadth of his assets, contacts, and all the Rambaldi artifacts she could ever want. Whaddya think about them apples, eh? Irina's all, I think you're either going to set me up to be killed, or I completely underestimated your love for Emily. Sloane's all, well, let's go with the latter, okay? I'm heading back to Tuscany to meet with Emily. I'll bring the database with me and you can pick it up there. "I want out," he grimaces, and hangs up.
Back at the consulate, Syd hands Em a document that guarantees that the Justice Department won't go after Sloane with the death penalty. Em signs it. Syd's all, yeah, so, you're going to have to wear a wire, you know. But we'll make sure you don't get dead or anything. Syd starts to leave, but Em stops her. "I know I've disappointed you," she says, "that I chose to stay with Arvin, that I came here to ask you to show mercy for a man who took so much away from you..." She can't quite finish. Syd just looks kindly at her and says, "You're in an impossible situation. At your funeral, I said that I've always thought of you as my real mother. I meant it." Syd stands, and Em grabs her wrist, looking at her lovingly. Syd pauses for just a second and then just leaves Soon-To-Be-Dead Auntie Em behind.
Sloane's Sanctuary of Soon-To-Be-Dead (Again. Some More.) Wives. Em's strolling around in a beautiful green silk Chinese-styled jacket. Despite looking like she's about to vomit up her liver, she's incredibly lovely. Except for one thing. She's talking to her wire. Out loud. About NOTHING. She's all, Arvin's gonna know! Well, yeah, he is, Em. IF YOU KEEP TALKING OUT LOUD TO NOBODY. She keeps blabbing about how she feels like she's talking to no one. You ARE, Em! The hundreds of agents converging upon your villa aren't really LISTENING to you dither on about your freaky husband!
Outside, Syd and Vaughn and other fatigues-clad agents approach the house. Suddenly, Em goes, "Oh, God. I think he's here." Sloane and Irina pull up in a car, get out, and enter the house. After they enter, one of the CIA guys takes out one of Sloane's men. The CIA moves in closer. Inside the house, Sloane tells Irina that the database is in a safe in the study, just off to the left. He hands her a card with the combo on it, and Irina asks if he's sure about this whole thing. He's all, yeah. Pretty much. Or at least I will be until after my wife bites it. Then the whole deal's off and I'm hell-bent for revenge.
The CIA continues to move on the house. Sloane approaches where Emily stands and opens his arms wide, revealing just how cool Ron Rifkin looks in his casualwear. Emily now looks as if she's going to vomit up her lungs and kidneys as well as her liver. Arvy puts his hands in his pockets and declares that there's no use in going on with his plans if she's not going to be with him. Hearing his voice, Syd declares that the op is a go. Em's all, yeah, right, where have I heard THAT before? Arvy's all, it's different this time. Em's all, what, this time you're not wearing a Hugo Boss suit and I'm not wearing a silk scarf around my bald head? Big fucking difference, chief.
Syd tells her troops to move in when Em says something about going to the wine cellar. Back with the Couple That Couldn't, Em's just blathering about how Sloane's a bad dude and she can't put up with it anymore. Sloane counters that with a declaration that he will never leave her again. The what? The who? What's going ON? Arvy's words clearly have an effect on Em, but she tells him that she's there to say good-bye. Arvy moves over to her and brings up the beach talk. Em starts in with the chin-quivering. They're both totally losing it. Arvy basically states that it's all about them and nothing else. Em's all, aw, shit. Here I go with the loving-him-again thing.
Then she opens her top and shows him the wire taped to her chest. For a second, he just looks at it, and looks as if he's going to pop her one, but then she rips it from her chest and starts sobbing big-time. He joins her in the crying game after she tells him that the CIA's been listening and that they're here right now. Syd and her boys realize that they've lost the signal. Sloane takes Em's face in his hands, and I was really thinking he was going to squeeze it like an overripe peach.
But he doesn't. Instead, after we get a quick glimpse of Syd ordering her boys to get moving, we watch as Sloane tells his wife that her betrayal doesn't matter. "All I need to know right now is if you want to come with me." Em's all, what? Now? Can I have a salad or something first? All this wire-wearing has made me hungry. Sloane's all, no, we don't have time for that. It's now or never. Are you with me? I'm SO not doing justice to this scene. Both Rifkin and Irving are rocking my world right now.
Syd orders the boys to move in. Em chooses to go with her husband. They kiss as Vaughn blows up a door at the other end of the house. The CIA moves in and starts shooting the shit out of everything. Arvy grabs Em, and they run to the kitchen and meet up with Irina. Sloane hits a button, revealing a secret passage. There's a pause as they all assess the situation. Then Irina yells at them to go, Sloane and Em run, and Irina pulls out her gun and tells Sark that she has the disk and is ready for extraction. Nice planning, Spy Mommy.
Irina then follows Sloane and Em into the secret passage. Syd comes around the corner and finds the passage. She gets on the horn and tells Vaughn about the passage. Then we're all caught up to the beginning and Syd and Irina are shooting at each other. Chase and shoot. Shoot and chase. We make it to the exit and Syd shoots her mom, eliciting a series of totally animalistic groans from Irina as she hauls herself out of the exit. Syd can't quite bring herself to actually kill her mother, however, and Irina manages to get the hell out of there as Syd picks up the genetic database that her mother conveniently dropped.
Outside, Irina rolls over, grimacing, and makes it to her feet. She runs off. Sark swoops down in a helicopter, looking devilishly handsome in his jeans with optional machine gun. Sloane and Emily, meanwhile, are making a break for it ACROSS AN OPEN FIELD. About eight years later, Syd makes it out of the secret passage, and Sark starts shooting at her. She ducks down. Sloane and Emily keep running IN PLAIN SIGHT. Someone's taking aim at them. It's Dix. He has Sloane in his sights, but just as he's about to pull the trigger, Sark's 'copter cropdusts him and Dix shoots Em instead. Yeah, because snipers are so easily distracted that they have itchy trigger fingers. Whatever.
Em goes down like a sack of boiled broccoli and Sloane cries over her fallen body. And there's blood, people. So, like, if Em's not dead, she's doing a damn fine impression of it. Oh, and I'm sure Amy Irving has plenty of work to keep her busy that has nothing to do with this show, so, like, I seriously doubt she'll be back. Irina approaches and hauls Sloane to his feet, dragging him to the 'copter. Sark continues to shoot at Syd, trying to keep her away.
Then Sark and Irina try to help Sloane onto the 'copter, and the expression on his face as he takes a seat is one of pure and unadulterated pain and heartache. Oh, yeah. He's gonna be Captain Crackers from now on. No doubt about that. Syd finally makes it over to the fallen Auntie Em. Sark turns to Irina and asks if she has the disk. Irina's all, uh, no, and my arm's not BLEEDING or anything! Sark's all, oh, please. I've seen you suck the poison out of a rattlesnake. You'll be fine. Just stuff the wound with the extra material removed from your skimpy t-shirt and think about bunny rabbits.
Down on the ground, Syd's sobbing over the body of Auntie Em as Dix and Vaughn approach. Amy Irving even looks beautiful in death. Dix looks tremendously disgusted with himself. Vaughn just looks down in concern at his girlfriend. Syd just keeps on crying. I half expected her eyes to pop open and for her to go, "Ha! Gotchya! I used to work for the government, dudes! What'd you THINK I was doing all this time?!" But her eyes remain closed and she remains dead. Dammit.
Ovary Electric. Syd and Vaughn are in bed. Yay! Oh. Never mind. They're not doing anything INTERESTING. Syd's on her side, feeling all sorry for herself again because of the dead mother issue. Vaughn's leaning over her, looking at her. He's all, honey? You okay? Syd's all, NO, I DON'T WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU RIGHT NOW. Vaughn's all, okay, you need to calm down. I really and truly just want to know if you're okay. Syd's all, oh. Well, in that case, no. No, I'm not. But I don't want to talk about it. So, like, can you just hold me? He kisses the back of her neck (aw!) and wraps his arms around her (more aw!) and they snuggle up.
Suddenly, there's some beeping. Before we can wonder if it's the Necktie of Annihilation, Syd flips on the light and realizes that the beeping is coming from a jewelry box on her nightstand. It's her mother's earrings, and they're giving off Morse code. Syd grabs some paper and a pen and starts writing down the code. When she's finished, the message reads, "TRUTH TAKES TIME."
Say it with me: WHAAAAAT???
time on Alias: The Oscars will be on instead of the show. Or, should I say, the lame-ass Oscars that have no business going on in this, a time of war and things more important than little gold statues and Galliano dresses, will be on instead of the show. Yeah. I plan on being drunker than usual.