By Erin
Okay, so, like, I am wickedly hungover right now. I made the mistake of going out last night with my ex-pseudo-boyfriend, Ruprecht, in an effort to reaffirm that he was, is, and shall always be, a complete and utter fucknutter. And, in an effort to prevent myself from shoving a lit American Spirit into his left eyeball, I seemed to think it necessary to empty approximately seven pitchers of Labatt's into my empty stomach. This, of course, led to me stumbling home at the indecent hour of 4 AM and consequently shoving not one, but TWO tofu corn dogs into my gaping maw and falling asleep with a pillow over my head to keep the evil light of day out of my bedroom.
In short? I am NOT well, people. Great episode. Yeah. Fabulous. Loved it. My head hurts. Let's make this as quick and painless as possible, shall we? Because if I don't get to sleep by 9:30 PM, I'm going to send a live plucked hen over to Ruprecht's house via courier. Just because.
Previously on Alias: I am hungover. Oh, and Vaughn and Syd DID IT.
This recap is being brought to you by the product-placed Ford Focus. Ford Focus. When you absolutely, positively, without question, can't afford a Mini Cooper.
We open up on two sets of naked footsies, tangled in some lemon-colored sheets. The camera pans up, and we're treated to the aftermath of Spy Sex -- namely, Vaughn on his side, eyes closed, a drowsy smile upon his face, and Syd, on her tummy, watching him, her arm resting between his arms. Aw. And gush. And somebody get me some Alka-Seltzer because I am in NO mood right now.
Syd's all, how're we gonna stay awake today? Vaughn's all, who cares? Kiss me. He caresses her shoulder, and she just kind of smiles at him. She's all, Vaughn? He's all, how come you never call me Michael? God, he's hot. No, really. REALLY. She's all, sometimes I do. Like, oh, I don't know, right after I screamed "OH GOD! OH JESUS! OH YEAH! LIKE THAT! UH!" Remember that? I don't recall using "Vaughn" in relation to my orgasm, honey. Pay attention
Then Syd informs Vaughn that she's graduating today. Huh? Whuh? She's still in school? Is there a curriculum designed especially for spies? Because -- dudes. She's barely been in the country long enough to sleep with her spy boyfriend, let alone attend CLASSES. Vaughn agrees with me because he's all, the hell? When in the HELL did you have time to go to class? Syd doesn't even answer his question because that would mean the writers would have to, I don't know, EXPLAIN SHIT.
Syd blahs some more about the ceremony and her life and Vaughn asks her if she's going to quit the CIA. Syd just nods. I just reach for the remote and rewind back to the beginning so I can watch Hot!Vaughn! touch Hot!Syd! in that incredibly sexy post-coital way.
Syd blahs some more about the ceremony and her life and Vaughn asks her if she's going to quit the CIA. Syd just nods. I just reach for the remote and rewind back to the beginning so I can watch Hot!Vaughn! touch Hot!Syd! in that incredibly sexy post-coital way.
Oops Center. Syd, Jack, and Kendall are hanging out by...well, by nothing, actually. They're just standing in the middle of Oops Center. For no reason. Syd's obviously just informed Kendall of her desire to leave the firm, because Kendall's all, yeah, about that resignation -- not so much, sister. Afraid I can't endorse that. Syd's all, uh, EXCUSE ME? Blow me, cheese dog. And while you're at it, get someone to powder that skull of yours, dude. The shine off that thing is making me see spots. Kendall gets all uppity with Syd and basically tries to force her to stick around by threatening to cut off Syd's access to Spy Mommy if she quits the agency. Syd's all, are you BLACKMAILING ME? And also? Don't you work for the fucking FBI? When in the hell did you jump the fence and become the head of the fucking CIA? Dude. You headed up the federal task force that nabbed my mom, okay? We got that. Nice job. But, uh, I work for the CIA, so, like, suck my left one. Kendall's all, hey, if you quit the agency, you're a civilian, sweetheart. And civilians ain't allowed to visit Mama Hari's Den Of Delights. At all. Ever. Are we clear? Syd's all, crystal. Oh, and does Barry Manilow know you raid his wardrobe? "In or out, kiddo?" Kendall sneers. "Can't have it both ways." Wait. Did he just -- "kiddo"? He called her "kiddo"? Oh, fuck HIM, Syd. And fuck the CIA. And shoot him. Shoot him now.
After condescending to the CIA's top grad student/spy, Kendall finally walks off, leaving Syd to turn to her father in disgust and confusion. "Legally, he's right," says Jack. "Ethically, he's an ass." Hee. Spy Daddy said "ass." Hee hee. Syd's expression suggests that not only is Kendall an ass, but she could think of several things she'd like to shove UP his ass, alongside that ninety-foot pole he already has up there.
Mama Hari's Den Of Delights. Syd slo-mos her way down the hall toward her mother. Irina meets her at the bulletproof glass and says, "Congratulations. Your father told me about your success. What about your associates at SD-6? You had friends there, yes?" Okay, that totally means that Jack's been spending quality time with his ex-non-dead-wife. Doesn't it? That ROCKS. They're totally going to get it awwwwn before the end of the season. At least, I hope they totally get it awwwwn before the end of the season. That would be my only wish. I mean, besides my wish about finding Ruprecht's naked moldy henpecked carcass lying in the middle of Wolcott Street round about seven-thirty tomorrow morning.
Spy Mommy feigns interest in Syd's SD-6 friends, and Syd informs her that they're still being debriefed. So that's where Dix and Dingus are. That still doesn't explain where in the hell WILL'S been all this time. Is he being debriefed too? I miss him. Syd apologizes for not visiting Spy Mommy more often. Irina's all, honey, don't worry about it. I mean, between destroying SD-6 and banging your handler, you probably haven't had time to brush your teeth, let alone visit poor wittle ol' Mommy in the clinker.
Syd then tells her mother that she's graduating today. Oh, in case you weren't aware, Syd's graduating today. Did I mention that Syd's graduating today? Syd says that she's thinking of leaving the CIA, which means she'll have to give up her clearance to see her mother. Irina looks straight at her daughter and says, "You're too forgiving, Sydney. Don't pretend I'm something I'm not. I've never been a real mother to you and...you don't owe me a second chance. If you make this decision about me, you're a fool. In fact, if you decide to stay I won't agree to see you anymore. Take care of yourself."
Man, that was harsh. And totally cool. And Lena Olin is awesome. Because, like, it's really clear why she said it, and she's such an amazing actress that she manages to telegraph her motivation in this fabulously subtle way. God, I love her. God, could I kiss her ass a LITTLE more? Lena! I love you! Call me! We'll do lunch!
Syd, her eyes welling up with tears (shocker), just looks at her mother for a long moment, then finally leaves, hanging her head as she walks down the hall. Spy Mommy drops her own head, an expression of anguish upon her face.
Random Aquarium Of Child Abductions And Wives In Distress. Some kid is running past a tank. His mother runs after him and grabs him by the arm, telling him not to run. The kid's all, yeah, whatever, I'm going to look at the jellyfish. Call me when you want me to make a convenient disappearance. The mom's all, yeah, okay, I'm going to walk away from you now so I can go talk to Christian Slater with my back turned to you so some bad man can steal you. Cool? Christian Slater's scribbling on a pad of paper over by some other jellyfish tank. By the way, I made a snarky comment about Slater in the recaplet and I'd just like to state for the record that I simply adore him. He's a reformed bad boy, dudes. You gotta love that. Besides, I will forever love him for doing Heathers, one of my favorite films of all time. "I love my dead gay son!" Hee. Hee hee.
Anyway, Wife of Slater walks over to him and is all, what the fuck's your problem, Einstein? It's your son's birthday and you're off in theorem land. Snap to it, mister! Slater's all, stutter stutter, blink blink, I'm thisclose to a solution! She's all, shut up. I'm only standing here pretending to listen to you so that someone can kidnap our son. Wife of Slater, by the way, is played by Tracy Middendorf, the actress who played some psycho wife on 24. I don't watch the show, so I know nothing about her, but according to the forums, this lady plays the distressed wife quite a bit. And she winds up dead a lot, too, which really doesn't bode well for her character here. ["Middendorf, a.k.a. 'Crazy Laura from ,' was last seen stuffed into the trunk of a Ford Thunderbird. Go figure." -- Sars]
After Wife of Slater harps on him a bit more about the bad father crap, he glances over at his son and sees his little red jacket just lying there on the floor, all sad and childless. Slater's all, uh, I'd love to be a better father and everything but, like, don't I have to have a CHILD to do that? The shit hits the fan, and the Slaters start freaking out and shouting for their son.
Slater goes around the corner, and my ex-boyfriend Sarkie shows up, looking dashingly handsome in his leather jacket. He's all, hey, Slater -- you can drop the frantic daddy act. I know where your kid is at and it ain't Chuck E. Cheese, okay? Slater just stares at him as we hit the Alias title card and zoom off to Hell-Lay.
Ovary Electric. Syd comes out of her bedroom, dressed in her graduation cap and gown. Will and Francinator are chillin' at The Counter Of Sighs And Whispers, and they both turn to look at Syd as she makes her way over to them. Hey, Will's back! I thought we'd given up on that adorable son of a bitch. Hi, Will! Where ya been? How's tricks? Still a recovering addict? Still cute as all get out? Yeah. That's what I thought.
So, like, Syd's all trilly about her gown and how plain it is and she's all, Francinator? Is this too boring? Does it need something? I feel like it needs some pearls or a big gold medallion or something. Francinator walks over, and instead of stabbing Syd in the chest with a stiletto and going, "There! That's what it needed! I nice big HOLE IN THE CHEST!" she just touches Syd on the shoulders and tells her shelooksbeautiful. Then Francinator hugs Syd and tells her that she's proud of her, with this really sinister look on her face. Syd, instead of glowing with the acknowledgement of her friend's pride and admiration, just looks disturbed and bothered and clearly thinks that something is UP with her girlfriend. The phone rings, and Francinator goes to get it while Will asks Syd for a four-letter word for "ice cream thickener." Syd's all, agar, dude. And that about does it for Will in this episode. I wish I were kidding.
Francinator hands Syd the phone. "Congratulations, Sydney," says Uncle Arvin, cuing The Scary Strings Of Sloane's Sadism. He snips at her about her and Jack's double agent status and shit, and she walks out onto the porch and goes OFF on him. "Listen to me, you son of a bitch," she hisses in a tightly wound rage. "You have been a plague on my life. You repulse me! Every time I sat across from you, listening to your lies, all I could do was fantasize about slashing your throat!" Heh. Excellent. Sloane just kind of raises his eyebrows and says something about forgiving her. Then he's all, yeah, okay, so I helped you with the Alliance takedown, baby. Didn't know that, huh? Syd's all, what is YOUR problem? Why are you telling me this? Sloane's all, do not come after me, punkin. You do, and I will END you. Got it? Syd just hangs up on him and runs to tell her daddy about the big bad Sloane man in the closet.
Oops Center Conference Room Of Endless Expositions. Syd fills in the boys about the phone call. She's trying to make it all about her until Kendall bursts her self-involved bubble and informs her of the Slater family kidnapping. Then he shows Syd a video of Sark and his goons shoving Slater into a van, and Spy Daddy surmises that the partnership between Sloane and Sark is alive and well and living incognito. Syd's all, but Slater's a mathematician? Why would the Dirty Duo want a mathematician? Gee. I don't know, Syd. Maybe they're having difficulty understanding the Big Bang Theory? Jack informs her that Slater specializes in something known as "knot theory." Vaughn's all, "knot" as in "tie a knot in a silk scarf and strap my girlfriend's wrists to a headboard so I can do saucy things to her naughty bits"? Jack's all, okay, I'm going to ignore that for the moment and say, "Simply put, it's the study of geometric objects and how they fit together. All Alliance facilities have been raided, yet we haven't found a single Rambaldi artifact. If Sloane was expecting our raid, he could've had everything moved to a secure location. He must be using [Slater] to help him assemble a Rambaldi device." Hey! Rambaldi's back! I thought we'd given up on that dead son of a bitch. Hi, Rambaldi! How's tricks? Still predicting shit and drawing pretty pictures? Yeah, that's what I thought.
Vaughn's all, so, like, what does that mean, exactly? Jack's all, it means Sloane's building a weapon, you hunk of burning love. Now shut up and look pretty. Syd's all, Sloane planned for this! And he's a bad man! And this is never gonna stop! Kendall takes this opportunity to remind Syd of her resignation. He slides over the form and a pen. Syd just glares at him.
Vaughn walks up and welcomes Dingus to the CIA. "I've heard that before," quips Dingus. Vaughn's all, well, this time it's for real, dude. And the coffee's free too! He escorts Dingus over to his desk, and Syd walks up and gives him a huge hug. She's all, you okay? He's all, yeah, I frequently have to fight the urge to weep openly and deny myself the supreme pleasure of backing over you with my Ford Focus several hundred times, but, like, I'm good. Syd's all, yeah, so, uh, whatever. I know you need to adjust and everything but, like, could you help us with something? We need to find Sloane. Then Marshall launches into this hilarious speech wherein he basically trounces Syd for betraying him, but he does it in such an addled and fumbling way that you feel SO bad for him.
"Well, [Sloane] probably erased everything from his hard drive before he left," Dingus says, "and the deletion program I installed last year exceeded DoD sanitizing standards 'cause, you know, I thought I was working for the government! You know the story because you also thought you were working for -- I mean, you actually were working for the government and we didn't really know but that's okay." There's this awkward pause as everyone kind of realizes that this is a dig. "I'll see what I can do," he finally finishes, and scrambles off.
Dixon's Domestic Domicile. Mrs. Dix is doing the dishes when Dix enters. They make nice-nice with the kissing, and Dix asks where the kids are. Mrs. Dix tells him that they're in the park and kind of yammers on while Dix looks as if he's standing on hot coals in his bare feet. Finally, he swallows hard and tells his wife that they need to talk. She looks worried, and asks if it's his mother. You know, if Carl Lumbly weren't such an awesome actor, I would totally be blah-blahing my way through this scene right now. Seriously. I'm bored. But he's so good! I just can't leave it at "blah blah, Dix tells his wife the truth." Dix gets choked up again as he struggles to tell his wife about the reality of his life. "I don't work at a bank," he grunts, close to losing it. "I never have." Mrs. Dix just swallows hard and stares at him.
Oops Center. Marshall technobabbles about Sloane's database or something. He discovers that Sloane probably visited the cyber geek from the Not Dead Emily episode. Jack just snaps, "I'll go." Which I guess means "I'll go alone," because the thing we see is Jack slamming his way into a completely dark office with no more backup than a promise and a prayer. Seriously. Way stupid, dude. Jack discovers the crusty dead body of the Cyber Geek, and his left eye is blinking on and off. Ew.
Back at Oops Center, Dingus is filling in the troops on what appears to be Cyber Geek's fake left eye. There's some nerdy back-and-forth between Kendall and Dingus wherein Dingus does his trademark diarrhea of the mouth routine and Kendall finally tires of it and goes, point? Got one? Bring it. Syd shoots Kendall a nasty look as Dingus tells everyone that Cyber Geek was blind in his left eye and dedicated his life to wetware experiments. "Wetware" basically means merging technology and the brain. Or something. Vaughn's all, what would Sloane want with a wetware expert? Boy, he's just full of stupid questions tonight, isn't he? Jack's all, Sloane had that thingy implanted in his neck when he joined the Alliance, and he probably hired Cyber Geek to deactivate it or some such shit. Dingus is all, yeah, right, but check this out -- I downloaded all the crap on Cyber Geek's digital fake eye, and I got this cool-ass video of Sloane killing Cyber Geek. Oh, and I invented this little lip-reading program so, like, I recorded Sloane saying something into his cell phone about chartering a C-123 out of Shipman to transport the artifacts. Yeah. Whatever.
Blah blah blah, Shipman's the airfield in the Mojave Desert. Bling blam blooey, it's operated by some smuggling cartel. Flip flap flim, Kendall wants to interrogate the cartel. Clip clock clueless, Syd thinks that'll take too long, and suggests accessing the flight data recorder on the plane Sloane chartered and locating him that way. Ding dong ditch 'em, Kendall volunteers Syd for the assignment. Yawn.
Bathroom Of Browbeaten Wives And Their Terrified Tots. Wife of Slater and Son of Slater quiver on the floor of a blue-tinged bathroom. Sarkie enters, sporting a shiny black leather jacket that looks straight out of J. Crew, and walks over to the hostages. She's all, where's my husband, you bastard! Nice jacket, by the way. Sark's all, none of your damn business. And thanks! I got it on sale. Half price! He kneels down and says something about her supporting Slater's cooperation because, like, if he doesn't dance, the kid gets it. The kid, hearing this, starts to sob. So does Wife of Slater. Sarkie just holds up a digital voice recorder and nearly waggles it in her face.
Airfield In The Middle Of The Goddamn Mojave Desert. Vaughn's posing as a sleazy arms dealer. The "sleazy" is implied by his absolutely atrocious blue leisure suit and wide-lapelled poly blend shirt. The hell? Like, see, if it were Spy Daddy, or Kendall even, I could totally buy that; but Vaughn's HOT, see? So, like, he could wear bell-bottoms and a halter top and he still wouldn't pass for sleazy. And this shirt is hideous, people. It has, like, silver palm fronds on it or something. And he STILL looks good.
Anyway, looks like Vaughn's supposed to get the guy to ship a box of illegal guns or something. Some guy in a cowboy hat doubts that Vaughn's who he says he is. Dude! He's bringing the poly blend! He's legit! Some guy behind Vaughn holds a gun to his head, and Cowboy Hat demands that Vaughn tell him the make of the gun. Whatever. Vaughn gets it and is cooler than hell while he does it. God, even his neck is hot.
Ahem. thing we see is a forklift moving Vaughn's box (why does that sound dirty all of a sudden?) into the cargo hold of a plane. Vaughn drives his big-ass SUV around the corner and parks. Syd slides out from under the box. She's dressed as a crew person. There's some gadgetry moment where Syd accesses the flight data and Vaughn downloads it. She goes to leave and runs into some crew guy. She quickly disposes of him and tells Vaughn to meet her closer to the door, 'cuz she's been made and has to bolt. Vaughn's all, copy that, hot stuff.
Syd runs out onto the tarmac, and some gun-toting dude shows up so that the two of them can reenact the scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark where Indy tries to beat up that big bald Nazi in front of a whirring propeller. And in case you were wondering, yeah, it's all Jenny Garner, all the time, in this fight sequence. Oh, and yeah, the gun-toting dude bites it by winging into the propeller and getting sliced to itsy bits, just like the big bald Nazi. Ew. Nice reference, writers. I love that movie. Raiders is my number one favorite movie of all time. At last count, I believe I've seen it thirty-two times since it was first released. Because I'm a geek. And I'm going to die alone.
Dixon's Dark Porch Of Pain. It's raining, and Dix is drowning his sorrows in a fine aged whiskey. A car pulls up, and Mrs. Dix gets out and steps onto the porch. She is NOT pleased. She sits down, and Dix asks where she stayed last night. She's all, on a space station, dude. What do YOU care? Then she mentions the time Dix was shot and he told her he'd been mugged. "If you had died that night," she says, "I would have buried a stranger! Look, I don't know if a single word you've ever said to me is true!" Dix looks at her with tears in his eyes, his face etched in pain. "My love for you is true," he says, struggling with emotion. "My love for our children is true. As a husband, as a father..." He starts to cry. "I couldn't honestly say I was protecting my family unless I was out there!" Mrs. Dix is all, yeah, but see, you were actually working for the people who were fucking up the world, not saving it! Dix is all, but I didn't know that! And I'll never lie to you again! The CIA offered me a job. This time for real! Mrs. Dix is all, okay, I did NOT sign up for a life of wondering which day my husband's going to bite it in the field. You take that job, you take it alone. She enters the house; Dix remains on the porch, staring out at the rain.
Seriously. Lumbly? Award-winning, dudes. And Mrs. Dix kicks ass too.
Sloane's Secret Lair Of Longitudes And Attitudes. Slater's stressing out. You can tell because he puts his glasses down in a huff. Sloane's all, does your stress level indicate that you'll help us? Slater breathes heavily and demands that they let his family go or he won't help them at all. Sloane's not fond of this plan, and shows it by whipping out the little recorder and playing a pleading message from Wife of Slater. She begs her husband to help Satan Sloane or the kid gets it. Slater freaks for a moment, then pulls it together. He's all, okay, so you want me to put this thing together? These pieces exist? Sloane's all, pretty much. You're soaking in it. Slater's all, all righty then. Want some more technobabble? Good. Here it is. "According to this," he says, referring to the document before him, "each artifact is generating its own unique magnetic field. These fields determine where in the overall design the pieces go. The problem is, there's no room for error in the calculations and the equipment you gave me isn't sensitive enough for me to measure the fields with perfect accuracy. I need something I don't have!" Sloane calmly mentions something called the "magnetometer." Okay, that just sounds made up. It's like "boobinator" or "assifier" or "dickitron." Really. But it must be real to THEM, because as soon as Sloane mentions it, Slater's all, whuh? How do you know about that? Sloane's all, I know lots of things, Sparky. For instance, I know you used to do lots of drugs in the early nineties because, really, you'd have to be on tons of drugs in order to agree to star in a movie as stupid as Kuffs. ["I saw that movie IN THE THEATER. I know. But Tony Goldwyn is hot." -- Sars]
Slater's all, yeah, well, the magnetometer could handle this gig, but it's locked up somewhere in Switzerland in some basement, and Kuffs sounded like a good idea at the time! Sloane's all, yeah, it's in the basement of this bank that's, like, two miles from here. Slater's all, the hell? We're in Switzerland? Dude. Can you nab me some chocolate? And a watch? And some cheese? Sloane's all, by tomorrow, you'll have what you need. Slater just stares at him as he leaves.
Seconds later, Sloane's on the phone with the non-dead missus, telling her that he's waiting for some owner to counter or something. He's all, yeah, of course it has a garden, sweetie; I'm looking out the window at it right now! The only problem with this statement is that not only is there no garden in this warehouse where he's pacing, but there's also no window. Jesus. He's so evil that he's lying to his non-dead wife with nine fingers.
Sarkie just smirks at Sloane from the sofa and wants to know what happens when Auntie Em's ready to move into her Tuscan villa? Sloane's all, I purchased the bloody house six months ago. Don't you have anything better to do than lounge around and make pithy comments about my non-dead wife with nine fingers? Sarkie's all, well, yes, now that you mention it. I made contact with our point man, and he's got a team ready for the bank job. But, like, dude? I am NOT happy that you plan on leading the team yourself. Not the best move, daddy-o. "I'm approaching the finish line of a thirty-year odyssey," says Sloane, his face stony. "I won't let anyone else take the final step for me." Oooh. Scary. Stupid, but scary.
Oops Center. Kendall's Krew is assembled around a monitor, checking out the flight plan of the cargo plane. Guess where Sloane went? Yeah. Switzerland. Since he was recently demoted to Assistant Kendall Krew Lackey Number Five, Jack just states that Sloane might be in Switzerland for a reason, and he's not just passing through. Vaughn pipes up that he knows a dude at a place with a thing near that spot where he went one time and that, if Sloane needed mercs, he'd be contacting this guy tout suite. Kendall likes the sound of this and orders Vaughn to set up a meeting with the dude. "You two are on a plane," he finishes, walking off. Vaughn and Syd glance at each other as if to say, "Yeah, now we're gonna put in a little time on that whole 'mile high club' thing. Woo!"
Switzerland. Land Of Peace, Prosperity, And Pretty Little Villages That Look Like Walt Disney Built Them. Sloane's hanging out with some disguise dude, discussing his new look as a German multimillionaire or something. Yawn. At some bar across town, some shaggy-haired dude is enjoying a nice afternoon tea of scotch and smokes when Syd and Vaughn enter, all dressed in black. Vaughn, togged out in black leather and looking all sorts of fine, takes a seat at the bar. Shaggy's all, what's in the briefcase? Vaughn's all, five hundred thou, dude. Oh, and he says this in French. Did I mention that? Yeah. That thud you hear is my sorry hungover ass hitting the floor in a dead faint because when Michael Vartan speaks French, I lose control of my limbs.
Shaggy doesn't think that five hundred thou is enough moola to put together a team. Vaughn's all, well, good, because I'm not putting together a team. I need info. Shaggy's all, uh, I'm not an encyclopedia. Oh, and fuck off. Vaughn's all, yeah? Well, I'm not French mafia. I'm CIA. And I look hot in this leather jacket. He shows Shaggy a snapshot of Sloane and Sark and asks if he knows them. Shaggy's all, fuck your mother. Vaughn's all, oh, that is IT! Nobody tells me to fuck my mother! He slams Shaggy into the bar, breaking his nose, and splashes scotch all over his face. The big bald bartender moves as if to get a weapon, and Syd points her gun at him, shouting, "Hands!" Action Vaughn sparks a lighter and brings it close to Shaggy's face, demanding that he talk. Shaggy finally spills that Wife of Slater and Son of Slater are downstairs in that very building. Just in case we don't get it, though, Vaughn turns to Syd and goes, "They're here." Syd just looks like she's pointing the gun at Vaughn and not at Baldy the Bartender.
Ah. Thank God for commercials. Excuse me while I drink thirteen gallons of Gatorade and shave my tongue.
Much better. Pass the corn nuts, Owen. This puppy's almost over.
Down in the now green-tinged basement bathroom, two armed guys are just sitting around, shooting the merde. There's a knock at the door, and when one of the guys goes to get it, Syd kicks it in and the bullets start flying. We don't see any of the actual shooting, because we're too busy watching Wife of Slater and Son of Slater cringing on the floor in the other room.
When it's over, Syd creeps around the corner, and she and Vaughn rescue Wife of Slater and Son of Slater. And yes, Michael Vartan looks super-extra-hot with that kid in his arms. Yum. Wife of Slater is being escorted out by some CIA guys when she stops, turns, and asks for Syd's name. "Thank you, Sydney," she sobs. Syd looks like she's either going to cry or kick a puppy or something. Vaughn comes up and tells her that one of the guards had a cell phone, and that if either Sarkie or Sloaney called the phone directly, the CIA will be able to trace to his exact location.
Oops Center. A bunch of CIA geeks are standing at Dingus's desk, asking how the master detected the tap the CIA put on the SD-6 network last year. Dingus gets all geeky superior on them and says, "Yes, that was a noble attempt, gentlemen, a noble attempt. But, uh, you see, what happened was it was interfering with my online Dungeon Master game. My gnome kept skipping a frame every time he swung his battle ax, so..." Hee. I missed Marshall. Now, if we could just shove a few more Will moments in here, I'd be MUCH happier.
Marshall's phone rings. He's all, dude! My first phone call! 'Scuse me! It's Syd, demanding that he run a location trace on every incoming call to the phone she's on. Marshall's on it. Syd paces back and forth in Switzerland as Marshall works his magic. He triangulates the location and nails Sloane to the Amcorp Bank on Newmarket Street in Zurich. Syd hangs up and looks at Vaughn. "We're going to Newmarket Street," she gasps.
And here comes the Ford Focus.
I find it more than a little ironic that I am writing this recap after fending off my drunken ex-boyfriend, who also happens to be the owner of a Ford Focus (or Ford Fuckus, as I like to call it), and this entire scene is just one glaring product placement for the Ford Focus. It makes me think of Kevin Smith on that IFC show, Dinner for Five, and Jon Favreau's comment about how Smith wrote a script for a short film advertising a Ford Focus and he detested the idea so much that the final line of his script was, "Dude, would you fuck another guy up the ass for a Ford Focus?" Ford was less than amused. But it makes me giggle every time.
Oh, and yes, I believe Ruprecht would fuck another guy up the ass for a Ford Focus. But then, I firmly believe that Ruprecht is a closet case with no clue.
So, Syd and Vaughn are speeding along, like, Rodeo Drive or something, trying to pretend they're in Zurich. Syd's yammering into her headphone thing to Marshall as he directs her through the traffic to Sloane. Vaughn's on his cell phone, ordering back up. In the basement of the bank, Sloane, made up to resemble a geriatric Soupy Sales, gets out of his car and greets the bank president. They make some worthless small talk, and then the prez escorts Sloaney Sales to the vault.
Back on the non-Autobahn, Syd's making with the crazy driving. Back again with Sloaney Sales, and the bank vault dude is chatting him up as they pass by a camera. Sarkie's somewhere else, and he splices into the face recognition thing or something and lets Sloaney Sales know that he passed with flying colors. Yeah, I don't know what's going on. Sarkie tells Sloaney Sales to keep Vault Guy talking while Sarkie does something somewhere else with a computer. He says something about looping the feed. Once it's looping, he tells Sloaney Sales, who whips out a gun and shoots Vault Guy in cold blood. Damn. Vault Guy was kind of cute, too. Sloaney Sales tells his team of hot French guys which box the magnetometer's in, and they go to work.
Once again with the non-Autobahn. Syd's still performing admirably as the Ford Focus spokesdriver. Dingus keeps directing her as Vaughn nervously says, "Guess it's pointless to say we should wait for backup." Durr, Vaughn. What was your first clue -- the reckless driving, or the open abandonment of all rhyme and reason? Syd peels down an alley and rips around the corner, eliciting girlish screams from Vaughn. He looks like he's gonna hurl.
Back in the vault, the magnetometer, which actually looks like a large lightsaber or something, has been freed from its jail. Sloaney Sales smiles evilly. Or, you know, as evilly as the nine layers of rubber on his face will allow.
In the main foyer of the bank, Syd and Vaughn careen in and order the bank prez to lock down the vault 'cuz he's being robbed. He brings up a video of the vault, and everything looks hunky-dory. Oh, except for Sloane looking like a member of the Polar Bear Club. Syd watches as the feed loops and announces that it's Sloane. At the same time, Sarkie's on to Vaughn and Syd, and informs Sloane that they're in the lobby, by the entrance.
Just then, Sloaney Sales himself enters with his troops. Syd screams, "Sloane!" and pulls out her gun. Well, that was smart. Sloane's boys pull out their own guns. Chaos erupts in the bank. "I warned you, Sydney," sneers Sloane. "I can't guarantee your safety in a situation like this." "There is NO way I'm letting you walk out of here," she snaps. Sloane looks past her at Vaughn. "Ah," he smirks, "you must be the man Sark told me about. The man Sydney was willing to kill me for." "She would have killed you for a lot less," Vaughn gruffs.
Syd ineffectually demands that Sloane give up. Sloane informs her that not only will he not give up, but if she pushes his buttons, he's thought ahead and stocked the basement with enough C-4 to blow the bank and its surroundings sky high. Syd's all, you're bluffing. Sloane's all, bluffing, am I? How's this for bluffing? Take a look at my little detonator friend here. Oh, and I ain't the only one with the detonator, princess. My boy Sarkie's got mah back. "Lower your guns," Sloane orders.
Syd and Vaughn do so. Sloane then orders them to drop their guns. They do so. Then, instead of just mowing them both down in a spray of gunfire, Sloane does something surprising; he tosses Syd the keys to his own Ford Focus and declares that she's going drive his sorry puckered ass outta there. Syd just looks at him for a good solid minute as The Strings Of Sloane's Satanic Scenario screech across the soundtrack.
And now I'm going to bed. Thank you. And goodnight.