A Free Agent

Okay, so, like, I am wickedly hungover right now. I made the mistake of going out last night with my ex-pseudo-boyfriend, Ruprecht, in an effort to reaffirm that he was, is, and shall always be, a complete and utter fucknutter. And, in an effort to prevent myself from shoving a lit American Spirit into his left eyeball, I seemed to think it necessary to empty approximately seven pitchers of Labatt's into my empty stomach. This, of course, led to me stumbling home at the indecent hour of 4 AM and consequently shoving not one, but TWO tofu corn dogs into my gaping maw and falling asleep with a pillow over my head to keep the evil light of day out of my bedroom.

In short? I am NOT well, people. Great episode. Yeah. Fabulous. Loved it. My head hurts. Let's make this as quick and painless as possible, shall we? Because if I don't get to sleep by 9:30 PM, I'm going to send a live plucked hen over to Ruprecht's house via courier. Just because.

Previously on Alias: I am hungover. Oh, and Vaughn and Syd DID IT.

This recap is being brought to you by the product-placed Ford Focus. Ford Focus. When you absolutely, positively, without question, can't afford a Mini Cooper.

We open up on two sets of naked footsies, tangled in some lemon-colored sheets. The camera pans up, and we're treated to the aftermath of Spy Sex -- namely, Vaughn on his side, eyes closed, a drowsy smile upon his face, and Syd, on her tummy, watching him, her arm resting between his arms. Aw. And gush. And somebody get me some Alka-Seltzer because I am in NO mood right now.

Syd's all, how're we gonna stay awake today? Vaughn's all, who cares? Kiss me. He caresses her shoulder, and she just kind of smiles at him. She's all, Vaughn? He's all, how come you never call me Michael? God, he's hot. No, really. REALLY. She's all, sometimes I do. Like, oh, I don't know, right after I screamed "OH GOD! OH JESUS! OH YEAH! LIKE THAT! UH!" Remember that? I don't recall using "Vaughn" in relation to my orgasm, honey. Pay attention

Then Syd informs Vaughn that she's graduating today. Huh? Whuh? She's still in school? Is there a curriculum designed especially for spies? Because -- dudes. She's barely been in the country long enough to sleep with her spy boyfriend, let alone attend CLASSES. Vaughn agrees with me because he's all, the hell? When in the HELL did you have time to go to class? Syd doesn't even answer his question because that would mean the writers would have to, I don't know, EXPLAIN SHIT.

Syd blahs some more about the ceremony and her life and Vaughn asks her if she's going to quit the CIA. Syd just nods. I just reach for the remote and rewind back to the beginning so I can watch Hot!Vaughn! touch Hot!Syd! in that incredibly sexy post-coital way.

Oops Center. Syd, Jack, and Kendall are hanging out by...well, by nothing, actually. They're just standing in the middle of Oops Center. For no reason. Syd's obviously just informed Kendall of her desire to leave the firm, because Kendall's all, yeah, about that resignation -- not so much, sister. Afraid I can't endorse that. Syd's all, uh, EXCUSE ME? Blow me, cheese dog. And while you're at it, get someone to powder that skull of yours, dude. The shine off that thing is making me see spots. Kendall gets all uppity with Syd and basically tries to force her to stick around by threatening to cut off Syd's access to Spy Mommy if she quits the agency. Syd's all, are you BLACKMAILING ME? And also? Don't you work for the fucking FBI? When in the hell did you jump the fence and become the head of the fucking CIA? Dude. You headed up the federal task force that nabbed my mom, okay? We got that. Nice job. But, uh, I work for the CIA, so, like, suck my left one. Kendall's all, hey, if you quit the agency, you're a civilian, sweetheart. And civilians ain't allowed to visit Mama Hari's Den Of Delights. At all. Ever. Are we clear? Syd's all, crystal. Oh, and does Barry Manilow know you raid his wardrobe? "In or out, kiddo?" Kendall sneers. "Can't have it both ways." Wait. Did he just -- "kiddo"? He called her "kiddo"? Oh, fuck HIM, Syd. And fuck the CIA. And shoot him. Shoot him now.

After condescending to the CIA's top grad student/spy, Kendall finally walks off, leaving Syd to turn to her father in disgust and confusion. "Legally, he's right," says Jack. "Ethically, he's an ass." Hee. Spy Daddy said "ass." Hee hee. Syd's expression suggests that not only is Kendall an ass, but she could think of several things she'd like to shove UP his ass, alongside that ninety-foot pole he already has up there.

Mama Hari's Den Of Delights. Syd slo-mos her way down the hall toward her mother. Irina meets her at the bulletproof glass and says, "Congratulations. Your father told me about your success. What about your associates at SD-6? You had friends there, yes?" Okay, that totally means that Jack's been spending quality time with his ex-non-dead-wife. Doesn't it? That ROCKS. They're totally going to get it awwwwn before the end of the season. At least, I hope they totally get it awwwwn before the end of the season. That would be my only wish. I mean, besides my wish about finding Ruprecht's naked moldy henpecked carcass lying in the middle of Wolcott Street round about seven-thirty tomorrow morning.

Spy Mommy feigns interest in Syd's SD-6 friends, and Syd informs her that they're still being debriefed. So that's where Dix and Dingus are. That still doesn't explain where in the hell WILL'S been all this time. Is he being debriefed too? I miss him. Syd apologizes for not visiting Spy Mommy more often. Irina's all, honey, don't worry about it. I mean, between destroying SD-6 and banging your handler, you probably haven't had time to brush your teeth, let alone visit poor wittle ol' Mommy in the clinker.

Syd then tells her mother that she's graduating today. Oh, in case you weren't aware, Syd's graduating today. Did I mention that Syd's graduating today? Syd says that she's thinking of leaving the CIA, which means she'll have to give up her clearance to see her mother. Irina looks straight at her daughter and says, "You're too forgiving, Sydney. Don't pretend I'm something I'm not. I've never been a real mother to you and...you don't owe me a second chance. If you make this decision about me, you're a fool. In fact, if you decide to stay I won't agree to see you anymore. Take care of yourself."

Man, that was harsh. And totally cool. And Lena Olin is awesome. Because, like, it's really clear why she said it, and she's such an amazing actress that she manages to telegraph her motivation in this fabulously subtle way. God, I love her. God, could I kiss her ass a LITTLE more? Lena! I love you! Call me! We'll do lunch!

Syd, her eyes welling up with tears (shocker), just looks at her mother for a long moment, then finally leaves, hanging her head as she walks down the hall. Spy Mommy drops her own head, an expression of anguish upon her face.

Random Aquarium Of Child Abductions And Wives In Distress. Some kid is running past a tank. His mother runs after him and grabs him by the arm, telling him not to run. The kid's all, yeah, whatever, I'm going to look at the jellyfish. Call me when you want me to make a convenient disappearance. The mom's all, yeah, okay, I'm going to walk away from you now so I can go talk to Christian Slater with my back turned to you so some bad man can steal you. Cool? Christian Slater's scribbling on a pad of paper over by some other jellyfish tank. By the way, I made a snarky comment about Slater in the recaplet and I'd just like to state for the record that I simply adore him. He's a reformed bad boy, dudes. You gotta love that. Besides, I will forever love him for doing Heathers, one of my favorite films of all time. "I love my dead gay son!" Hee. Hee hee.

Anyway, Wife of Slater walks over to him and is all, what the fuck's your problem, Einstein? It's your son's birthday and you're off in theorem land. Snap to it, mister! Slater's all, stutter stutter, blink blink, I'm thisclose to a solution! She's all, shut up. I'm only standing here pretending to listen to you so that someone can kidnap our son. Wife of Slater, by the way, is played by Tracy Middendorf, the actress who played some psycho wife on 24. I don't watch the show, so I know nothing about her, but according to the forums, this lady plays the distressed wife quite a bit. And she winds up dead a lot, too, which really doesn't bode well for her character here. ["Middendorf, a.k.a. 'Crazy Laura from ,' was last seen stuffed into the trunk of a Ford Thunderbird. Go figure." -- Sars]

After Wife of Slater harps on him a bit more about the bad father crap, he glances over at his son and sees his little red jacket just lying there on the floor, all sad and childless. Slater's all, uh, I'd love to be a better father and everything but, like, don't I have to have a CHILD to do that? The shit hits the fan, and the Slaters start freaking out and shouting for their son.