Wendy Kroy: So what in the hell was this show all about, anyway?
Regina: I don't know. Cloning or some such shit?
Wendy Kroy: Really? I thought it was about hot shirtless guys and spy sex.
Regina: Ohhhh yeah! That's it! That's what it's about.
Wendy Kroy: Speaking of hot, shirtless guys...where's Owen?
Regina: Where do you think?
Wendy Kroy: In the bedroom with a box of Honey Grahams and a bunch of Fellini films?
Regina: Uh-huh.
Wendy Kroy: But...is he naked?
Regina: Except for the cowboy hat.
Wendy Kroy: Your boyfriend rules. Can we go look at him and laugh?
Regina: Dude. We're supposed to be recapping this show.
Wendy Kroy: Oh. [pause] Can we go look at him, laugh, and then do the recap?
Regina: [pause] Hee. Yeah. Bring the Jell-O shots.
Previously on Alias: The Alliance gone buh-bye. Syd and Vaughn made out. And Foolio became Fauxlio. Oh, and Jessica saved my ass with her recaplet because I'm a mental reject. Thanks, Jessica!
Berlin. No, not the BAND. Although I could do with a little "Sex (I'm A)" right about now. Speaking of sex, we open up on a pair of smooth, naked female legs, rubbing against each other beneath a white sheet. And, yeah, we're allllll supposed to assume that this is Syd and that she's in the throes of "morning after" bliss. Even though, you know, it doesn't really make sense for Syd and Vaughn to touch tongues in Hell-Lay and then, like, FLY TO BERLIN to get it awn. But I'm thinking that duping us into wondering if these are Syd's legs was foremost on the creators' minds.
But it's not Syd. It's Olivia D'Abo. And that hand caressing her shoulder while she makes ooky faces isn't Vaughn's. It's Ethan Hawke's. And while we're at it, ROWR. Good god, he's cute. And he seems to be channeling that Gattaca kind of cute, not the Reality Bites kind of cute. Not that there's anything wrong with the latter; it's just that the former is a sleeker, more savory kind of cute. Anyway...Olivia overbites at Ethan something about how, when they've finished up in Berlin, they should haul ass back to Fiji. Ethan's all, yeah, uh-huh, that'd be nice. We had loads of fun there before, right? I mean, yeah, we had loads of fun there. I didn't mean to sound questioning or anything. Because I'm totally NOT an evil clone.
He leans down to kiss her, and even in that short moment, I'm struck by the thought that Ethan Hawke looks like one delicious kisser. He's all pouty and plush and mmmm...
Wendy Kroy: Dude? Are gonna do this all throughout the episode?
Regina: I have considered it, yes.
Wendy Kroy: Well, bring it down a notch. If you're like this in the first five minutes, I can't even IMAGINE what you're going to be like during the Spy Sex.
Regina: Mmmmm...Spy Sex...
Wendy Kroy: Oh, dear lord.
As Ethan gets out of bed and walks to the bathroom, Olivia gets this sort of "oh, dude, this guy is SO an evil clone" expression on her face. He stops before leaving the room and looks at her, the better to show off his wicked bod and his uncanny resemblance to one Bucky the Snowman. Ew. Don't make me hate the Ethan. I love the Ethan. Please make it stop.
Ethan informs Olivia that he's just going to take a shower, and leaves. Instead of chasing after him with her digital camera, however, as I would have most certainly done, Olivia just sort of overbites at the ceiling and then launches herself out of bed when she hears the shower going. She nudely slinks over to her laptop and starts click-clacking away. Then she throws on a robe and types, "ABORT OPERATION: CONFIRMATION" into the body of an email. We get a quick, sinister shot of a black and red tiled bathroom where the shower appears to be empty.
Wendy Kroy: Okay, that bathroom is killer.
Regina: I know. What is that? The Hotel Monaco or something?
Wendy Kroy: Oh, please, girl. The Hotel Monaco isn't THAT sexy.
Regina: How do you know?
Wendy Kroy: I just do.
Regina: Oh, that's right. That time you stalked Justin Timberlake in New York and wound up locked in the wardrobe at the Hotel Monaco for, like, eight hours?
Wendy Kroy: Best eight hours of my life.
Back with Olivia D'Overbite, we see her type, "LENNOX IS A" and then she hears a door squeak behind her. Now, instead of sending the email first, she picks up a gun and goes to look for Ethan. The hell? Send the email. You had two more words to go: "EVIL CLONE." How hard is that to type? Get it in there, hit send, and then go chasing after Mr. Thurman with your gun at the ready. God. I should give lessons in spying. What with Syd being unable to keep her damn mouth shut and Olivia D'Overbite traipsing off to bathrooms unknown without sending valuable communiqués, I'm thinking there's a market out there for an instructor who teaches spies NOT to suck.
Olivia D'Overbite makes her crappy spy-like way into the bathroom, sees that the shower's empty, turns, and there's Bad Ethan, ready to slam her one in the face with his fist. Damn, that looked like it hurt. She must have really sucked in bed. Or not, as the case may be. Oh, who cares? I'm too distracted by Bad Ethan's smooth, sculpted torso to care what's happened to Olivia D'Overbite. We cut to a quick Alias placard shot, and just like last week, it's clear that there isn't going to be any "Story of Alias" voiceover by Agent Sean.
After he busts Olivia D'Overbite's face, we catch up with Bad Ethan as he's making a phone call to Sloane, informing Uncle Arvin that he's been compromised. "How do you want me to handle it?" he asks. Then we're with Uncle Arvin, who's lost his beard, but has gained yet another inappropriately baggy suit reject from the Salvation Army bin in David Byrne's closet. "Use her to send a message," sneers Sloane, looking serenely satanic. "And make it public." Oh, there's just nothing tastier than Satan Sloane. Bad Ethan hangs up the phone and wonders if Uma remembered to turn the oven off before they left for Hell-Lay.
Ess Dee Ex. Syd's hanging around in her red tank top looking forlorn and vaguely uncomfortable, as if she had far too much tuna salad with Miracle Whip and sweet relish for lunch yesterday and that rock in her stomach still hasn't gone away. Her boyfriend enters and walks over to her. He's all, hi. She's all, hi. He's all, hiiii. She's all, hee. I'm all, HEE and gosh and aw and tee hee and giggle giggle. Seriously. There's some sort of dialogue going on but I'll be damned if I'm listening to it. I'm too busy chortling like a twelve-year-old over all the grinning and googling and general "gee we KISSED" ga-ga-ing to even notice if there's TALKING.
After the initial tee-hee-ing dies down, Syd asks about Dix and Dingus. Vaughn tells her that they're going to be in debrief for awhile and that Satan Sloane's been put on Interpol's most wanted list. Then Syd sort of looks down at her shoes in search of a bootleg video of the smooching scene and says, "About last night --" Vaughn's all, oh, is this about Alice McPlotDevice? Syd's all, uh, YEAH. I mean, we were sharing more than a high five last night over our triumph, mmm-kay? Vaughn's all, don't worry about it. I dumped her ass this morning.
Regina: Oh, okay. Way to be classy, Agent Asshole. What, was he just keeping Alice McPlotDevice in reserve until he was sure he had Syd by the seat of her exercise pants?
Wendy Kroy: Totally! What is UP with that? Are you sure seven hours is enough of a transition time for you there, Inspector Impatience?
Regina: God. I mean, I can't wait for the Spy Sex and everything, but that seems awfully dicky of him to just call up Alice and be all, "Hi. What's up? Yeah. Uh. Sorry your dad died and everything, but I'm about to get hot and wet with my new spy girlfriend so, like, see ya!"
Wendy Kroy: I know! I mean, give it a day or so, Captain Condom!
Regina: And while we're at it, could you do that shy smile thing again? Ahhhh...thank you...
Vaughn's all, truth is, she only really existed in the writers' imaginations, so we've been over for a long time. Then Jennifer Garner's dimples make another appearance and she starts grinning so hard it looks like her cheeks are going to fall off, and I'm having difficulty locating the thirty-four-year-old woman who normally occupies this chair at this computer in this apartment in Chicago. Dudes. Tee. And hee.
Syd keeps up with the perma-grin and says that now she'll actually be able to enter the CIA through the front door. Vaughn's all, yeah, and I'll even be able to give you a ride! I bet you will, Agent Awww Yeah. ROWR. He smiles at her. She smiles at him. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Oh, and TEE HEE.
Ich bin ein Berliner. With a somewhat wicked icy tint over the lens, we watch as a silver van squeals around a corner and dumps a barefoot blonde wrapped in plastic or something onto the sidewalk. People scramble in a panic as she rolls around. Yeah, it's Olivia D'Overbite. We don't really find that out 'til later, but, like, you totally know it's her.
Oops Center. Kendall, Jack, Syd, and Mr. Syd are all hanging out, looking over seating charts for the wedding reception. Agent Sean walks up with some blonde chick (what is WITH the blondes in this ep? Were they fulfilling a quota or what?) and introduces her as Christine Phillips, the new clandestine services grad who's going to be milling around and acting as yet more eye-candy while she observes operations. Agent Sean introduces the cozy crew and Blondie gushes at Syd that she's read her operations file and it's a real honor to be in the presence of a girl who's hotter than me and who can kick ass while wearing latex! Syd's all, yeah, whatever, who's the campfire girl over here?
Back in Berlinerplatz or whatever, the polizei have arrived on the scene. Olivia D'Overbite shakingly gets to her feet, and we get a washed-out close-up of her tear-stained and mascara-streaked face. Think I have enough hyphens in there? Someone at Oops Center is just surfing around looking for shots of Sabotage Sarah on Smoking Gun when they come across a news airing of the goings-on in Berlin. Some desk jockey calls over Kendall and his Krew of Kut-Ups, and they shimmy over.
We see a live shot of Olivia D'Overbite on the screen. And here's the point where everyone in the group reacts totally differently to this situation. Syd's all, oh my God, as if she's horrified by the situation but has no personal involvement; Agent Sean's all, that's Agent D'Overbite, as if he's just reporting the traffic; Blondie's all, you guys KNOW her, as if she herself doesn't, even though she acts like it a bit later; and Vaughn's all, she's one of ours, as if Agent Sean's comment of "That's Agent D'Overbite" weren't crystal clear enough for all of us out here in our CAVES WITH NO CABLE RECEPTION.
Back in Berlin, the head of the polizei gets out of his car and checks his pocket mirror to make sure that he does, indeed, still resemble David Cronenberg. Switching back to Oops Center, someone verifies that Agent D'Overbite is tightly wrapped in a nice little sheath of C-4. Spy Daddy spits out that if the C-4's wired with a remote trigger, any radio communication could make her go BOOM! Then we get a close-up of a remote trigger in someone's hand. And just in case we didn't get the whole "remote trigger" idea, we see a finger push a button, a high-pitched whine sounds, and then we see Bad Ethan talking to Agent D'Overbite via a payphone, telling her that she's doin' fine. Note to Bad Ethan: being Saran-Wrapped in C-4 does NOT equal "fine."
Agent D'Overbite is sobbing, her chin crumbling. Blah blah blah over in Oops Center. Really. What? You want me to recap all this shit? She blows up, okay? SHE BLOWS UP. And all this little lead-in scene really does is show us that Syd can speak yet another language with a really bad accent. Olivia D'Abo does a great job in this scene; she looks terrified and sad and pathetic all at the same time. But, dudes? Who gives a shit? I don't. Bad Ethan is an evil, evil man. Olivia D'Overbite is a dead, dead woman. Moving on.
German police. Radios. Matching Vaughn and Spy Daddy pursed lips. Syd speaking German. Olivia D'Overbite singing a truly creepy rendition of "Pop Goes The Weasel." All of Oops Center watching in spooky silence. David Cronenberg looking confused and somewhat turned on by the sight of a hot chick shoved into a bag of explosives singing a childish tune. But he's David Cronenberg, so we expect that of him. Crash, anyone? Dead Ringers? Hello?
More creepy singing, with a terrified pause before the "pop!" as if that's when the bomb's supposed to go off. More David Cronenberg. More panicked Syd. More pursing from Papa Syd and Mr. Syd. Blondie watching from a distance. Head polizei guy yammering at Syd about radio silence. One more final "pop!" from Agent D'Overbite, and -- yeah, you guessed it. BOOM!
Bad Ethan looks satisfied at a job well done and runs off. The Oops Center Collective just stands around looking stunned. Blondie runs off to whimper in the bathroom. Syd just compartmentalizes her feelings and tucks that one about Agent D'Overbite's untimely death into a corner behind "Reasons To Hate My Mother."
Oops Center Ladies' Room. Syd's washing her face as she overhears Blondie crying in one of the stalls. Oh my god. She's such a tool. What a total waste of spy space. Syd asks if she's okay, and Blandy (tm Zoe5) exits the stall with her skirt around her ankles and asks if Syd has any toilet paper. I'm sorry! I had to! It was required! And wouldn't that have been HILARIOUS? Damn. I should write this show. Although it'd probably have a lot more sex, and there would be far too many jokes about "covert operations" and going "deep undercover." Yeah, so Blandy's all, I just, sniffle, wasn't ready for that. Syd's all, don't be sorry. Just stop WHINING.
Wendy Kroy: Really. They go through all the trouble of adding a blonde to the damn show and she's VANILLA?
Regina: Dude. She's so vanilla she's a fucking WAFER, okay?
Wendy Kroy: She is SO a mole or something. Nobody's that bland for no reason.
Regina: Was that a double negative?
Wendy Kroy: Blow me.
Oops Center's Conference Room Of Endless Expositions. Kendall's blah-blahing about the loss of Agent D'Overbite. She was deep undercover (I'll bet she was -- see? SEE?), and her objective was to gain the trust of some Aryan-looking R&D doctor named "Marcovic" who's been developing some technology called "Project Helix." Gee. Wonder what that could be? No, really. NO, REALLY.
Syd's all, weapons? Vehicles? Evil clones bent on destruction? Ha ha ha, oh ho ho. That last one was just a funny on my part! Hee. Sorry, Kendall. Go ahead. Kendall's all, we don't know what the hell it is, but that clone thing is just TOO farfetched, Syd. Nice try, though. Agent D'Overbite was supposed to find out just what in the hell Helix is, but her ass got blown to smithereens before she got to the bottom of it. Oh, and also? Her partner might be dead as a doornail too. He also might be in Cayo Concha, off the coast of the Dominican Republic. Now, lest my partner Spy Daddy here and I bore you to death with the extensive details of just how we found this out, or why, or who gives a shit, Syd and Mr. Syd? Get the hell outta here and bring me some Happy Helix H-intel! Syd's all, fine, whatever, who is this partner schmuck anyway? Kendall's all, oh, it's Ethan Hawke. You can thank me later.
Oh, and in case you were wondering, here's the part where you're supposed to go, "Dun dun DUN!"
Hee. Tee hee hee. I'm sorry. It's just, I've already seen this scene, like, five times, and I know what's coming, and tee hee. Shoot me.
Ovary Electric Central. The doorbell trills, and Syd runs to get it. Tee hee. Giggle. Cheese. It's Vaughn, all grinny-faced. Syd returns the grinny-face. Tee HEE. Vaughn's all, you ready? Syd's all, what? Right here? In the doorway? Day-UM. At least buy me dinner first! Actually, Vaughn's there because he's driving Syd to the airport for their Caraway Capo jaunt. Syd asks her boyfriend to come in while she gets her stuff. Giggle. Giggle giggle. And snort. And more cheese.
Vaughn's all, nice place. Ripping off your clothes. Syd's all, I'm gonna get a new couch. French kissing. Vaughn's all, really? Lacy underthings. Syd's all, well, yeah, no, I dunno. Calvin Klein boxer briefs. Vaughn's all, so this is where you live. Naked. Syd's all, yeah, this is where I live. More naked. Vaughn's all, I love it. Naked love. Syd's all, I'm ready. NAKED LOVE NAKED.
Vaughn leans in and kisses Syd in this way that is SO like that first kiss you get at the door after the best first date you've ever had and all you want to do is toss out the rules and drag your date up to your bedroom and perform all sorts of carnality upon each other but then you stop because one of you wisely pulls back, knowing that, if you don't stop now, you may not even make it to the bedroom. Sigh. And giggle. And tee hee.
Wendy Kroy: Tee hee. Tee hee hee.
Regina: See? SEE? It's impossible to watch this scene and not giggle like you've just been given a huge dose of laughing gas.
Wendy Kroy: TEE HEE HEE.
Regina: Dude? You okay? DUDE?
Wendy Kroy: TEE HEE HEE HEE HEE. Help me!
Vaughn's all, yeah, we should be going, like, NOW, because we are so gonna miss our plane if we keep kissing. Syd's all, yeah, okay, good idea. Besides, I'm out of condoms. Vaughn's all, what? Have you been gettin' busy? AND, IF SO, WITH WHOM? Syd's all, dude? Remember Spitzy Saliva-Pants? Yeah. Since him. And we were in a fucking SAFEHOUSE. Condoms haven't really been a necessity around the Electric Ovary since FOREVER, okay? And if you keep looking at me like that, I'm going to tell Kendall he can go fuck his Caca Cockles whatever-the-hell and you and me are gonna DO IT RIGHT HERE IN THE LIVING ROOM.
Just then, we hear a rather dry, "Hey." The camera swivels and it's Fauxlio, just standing there with her arms crossed. Oh, she's not EVIL or anything. She only has NO inflection in her voice WHATSOEVER. Syd's all, this is Michael! You know the one! From the bank! THE ONE! Fauxlio's all, doesnotcompute. Nicetoputafacewithaname. Takemetoyourleader. Syd's all twirly and girly behind Vaughn's back like, this is him! The guy! You know, THE GUY? Fauxlio just looks at her as if she's trying to figure out if all humans act this crazy, or if it's just this one. Vaughn kind of sneaks a glance back at Syd, who immediately stops her silent chittering and tells him that they should catch their plane. Fauxlio's all, anotherbusinesstrip. Syd's all, uh, yeah, a conference or something...hey, aren't you gonna tell me to quit my job or whatever? Fauxlio's all, haveagoodtripyouguys. She is seriously Stepford, dudes. Vaughn shakes her hand again and looks at her kind of curiously, then walks off. Syd gives Fauxlio this look that's all, uh, dude? Did you eat some bad clams or something? Syd was obviously expecting Fauxlio to start jumping up and down and shrieking, "Aiiiieeee! Thass yo boyfrien'! Thass yo boyfrien'! Ooooooh...he's soooo cuuuuuute!" When Fauxlio just goes, "I'llseeyoulater," and slaps a mechanical smile on her face, Syd's expression is like, what the --?
Regina: Oh, no. Her personality isn't palpably different or anything. Not at all.
Wendy Kroy: Well, even if it wasn't, that dark eyeliner is a dead giveaway.
Regina: Oh, yeah. Without question. What, did they fire the circus clowns?
Wendy Kroy: Apparently. And they've been replaced with the entire makeup crew from Rocky Horror Picture Show.
Syd and Vaughn finally leave, trailing an air of confusion. After they exit, we return to the Francinator (tm Merrin Dungey), who drops the fake grin faster than you can say "Colin Ferrell is a himbo" and just glares after Syd and Vaughn as if she's going to pull a gun out right then and there and just go to town on the lovebirds.
Cayenne Conch Shell. Cue the synth-heavy pseudo-porn music. Syd's in a pool, doing the breaststroke. Or the boob-stroke, as the case may be. Thank you very much! I'll be here all week! Tip your waitress! Syd swims toward the steps as the porn music continues, and everyone in the audience born before 1977 harkens back to that one time at the multiplex when they snuck in just so they could see Phoebe Cates get out of Judge Reinhold's pool and take her top off. Syd exits the pool, all dripping wet and hotter than hell, and disappoints those of us who remember just what Judge Reinhold was doing in the bathroom 'round about this time by not taking off her bikini top. But Syd does manage this sort of exaggerated hoochie-mama tiptoe thing over to a pair of waterproof blue Candies and steps into them, raining water down over everything. I, for one, thoroughly enjoyed this trip down mammary lane. All week! I'll be here all week!
Some greasy little mole is watching Syd from somewhere else around the pool. We flashback to Vaughn informing his sex-kitten girlfriend that the guy's name is Jezek and he's the scientist dude's chief of security or whatever. Yawn. Syd's all, why don't we just go after Scientist Dude? Vaughn's all, no no no! Do you even KNOW how to do this job? That would be too easy, and the show would end right here! Besides, we lost track of him or something like four weeks ago. So, like, whatever. We're going after Jezek.
Back at the pool, Syd Shoots Jezek a smile and then walks off, wrapping a scarf around her hips. Jezek sleazily follows as Syd goes to enter a cabana, removing her bikini top before she even gets there. Jezek continues to follow, hitching up his probably tented pants in a manner that suggests that he likes doing it doggie-style and Syd's going to be his bitch. Yeah. I know. Ew.
Jezek enters the cabana, turns, and Vaughn goes, "Hi!" in this totally cheerful and bouncy voice. Yeah. That really cracked me up. Hee. Before Jezek can grab for his gun, Syd flies out from nowhere and puts him in a chokehold. Vaughn steps up to make himself useful for something other than standing in the corner looking super-smokin' in a lightweight summer suit and cerulean blue oxford, and jams a needle into Jezek's neck. "I've injected you with a cardio toxin," says Sergeant Sexy. "You'll have a heart attack within the hour unless you do exactly as we say. Then you get the antidote. Are we clear?"
Apparently, Jezek's clear, because he kind of whimpers and stops struggling so much. Syd asks if Ethan Hawke (a.k.a. "Lennox") is still alive, and if so, where is he? Jezek's all, yeah, he's alive. And he's on the sublevel, Room 47. Wait. Did he just say "forty-seven"? I'm not sure. Because, like, if he did, that would be TOTALLY significant.
After forcing Jezek to escort her and Vaughn down to where Ethan is, we're in an elevator and Syd's commanding Jezek to smile. She's also wearing a hideous blonde wig that was last seen on Anne Carlisle's head in Liquid Sky. The three musketeers breeze past the security guard, and Jezek key-cards them through some door. Syd drops them off someplace on her way to Room 47 (did someone say "forty-seven"?), after telling Vaughn that she'll meet him at the exit point.
Liquid Syd spy-stalks down a hallway, grabs a white lab coat off a peg on the wall, and opens door forty-seven (what was that?). We get a little flashback of Vaughn warning Syd that the Ethan she finds may have undergone psychological reconditioning and that she could be walking into a trap. Back with Liquid Syd, she quietly makes her way into some room where Good Ethan's strapped to a chair with two huge needles borrowed from A Clockwork Orange pointed directly into his eyes. Ew. Oh, and EW.
A couple of lab-coated guys (they are SO not doctors) are administering some tests that would go over fairly well on an alien spaceship. One of them fires up the needles, and they start shooting toward Ethan's pupils. Ew. Hilary Swank slinks in and starts kicking lab coat ass. Where'd she come from? Shouldn't she be off somewhere pushing her boobs up in a corseted period piece so that people will finally, once and for all, recognize that she's a GIRL and not a BOY?
Regina: Yeah. Whatever happened to Hilary Swank, anyway?
Wendy Kroy: She's off on some Caribbean island trying to shake off the first-time Oscar winner curse.
Regina: Oh, right. Along with all the Best Supporting Actresses and their curses. Mira Sorvino just went off to find a couple more mai-tais.
Wendy Kroy: And Marcia Gay Harden's waxing the surfboards while Tatum O'Neal makes sure the bong's fully loaded.
Regina: Marisa Tomei was there until not too long ago, wasn't she?
Wendy Kroy: Yeah. She was in charge of snacks.
Regina: Right.
Oh, sorry. I guess it's not Hilary Swank doing the ass-kicking; it's really Syd. She disposes of the lab coats rather quickly and frees Good Ethan, who starts sputtering that he can't see. We can, buddy, and gross eye experiment or no, you still look damn fine to us. Syd checks out some vial on a tray and discovers that the lab coats used a photo-reactive acid on Good Ethan's eyes. She wraps his eyes with gauze so the light won't bother him as we switch over to Sergeant So Fine and his heart-attack quarry. Jezek's at a computer. He types something in and announces that Vaughn's in the system. Vaughn then slams his elbow into Jezek's face (call me crazy, but I just LOVE it when Vaughn gets to be a bad ass), knocking him out. Then he shoves another needle into Jezek's neck, probably the antidote or whatever to the original crap he stuck in there. Vaughn click-clacks at the computer.
Liquid Syd and Good Ethan race pell-mell down the hallway. Good Ethan's all, what happened to Agent D'Overbite? Syd's all, hang on, I just have to kick a some guard's ass by running up this wall and then spinning down. Woo. Look at me go. Oh, hey, one of them has a knife. Uh-oh. Good Ethan scrambles along the ground, lifts up his gauze, finds a gun, and sort of aims it at the blur that is Syd and the guard at the end of the hall. Luckily, his eyes aren't so funky that he can't meet his mark. The guard goes down, and Syd and Good Ethan make a break for it.
Airborne Arena Of All-Too Attractive Agents. Syd's bending over Good Ethan (not like that! Her boyfriend's on the plane too! God!), putting drops in his eyes. What, did he break his hands too? He can't put the drops in himself? He's blind, not crippled! Then, before Syd can jump on Good Ethan's lap and start making like Showgirls, her boyfriend enters, doing all sorts of wrong things to your basic black long-sleeved shirt and black jeans.
Syd says something to Good Ethan about his eyes normalizing in a few minutes, and walks over to her boyfriend. He's all, you okay? She's all, way to ask about the almost-blind guy in the corner, dude. "Whaddya think?" she asks, obviously questioning Good Ethan's state of mind. Vaughn's all, well, he looks good to me. And I do mean GOOD. Syd's all, dude? Has he gone psycho on us? Keep to the straight and narrow, sweetheart, or I am turning this plane around. Vaughn glances over at Good Ethan. "No signs of any post-traumatic stress disorder or symptoms of behavior modification," he says, looking scrumptious. Syd's all, he was doing just fine with the lab coat guys, and he even risked losing his sight to get us out. Vaughn's all, eh, I dunno. I think he has the hots for you. Syd's all, FOCUS, FLYBOY. She glances back, and Good Ethan's slouched in a chair, rubbing at his eyes and wearing what looks like Vaughn's casual Friday wardrobe -- dark pants, blue oxford, brown leather jacket, they're all here. Syd turns back to her boyfriend and is all, yeah, well, we'll know more after the psych evaluation. They share a smile, and Syd goes back to talk to Good Ethan instead of following Vaughn up into the front portion of the plane and making her own little entry into the mile-high club. She's not the brightest bulb in the pack when it comes to making hay while the sun shines, is she?
Syd asks Good Ethan how he's doing. He gruffs, "I could have sworn you were a blonde." She tells him that she was, but she changed. Good Ethan just side-grins at her, and his lower lip should really have an acting career of its own, people. I mean, Ethan Hawke and Michael Vartan have some seriously sexy lower lips. It's not right how sexy they are. I could write volumes on how sexy just their lower lips are. But I won't.
Good Ethan's all, it's nice to actually SEE the face of the person who saved my life. Then he's all, so, enough with the gratitude and everything...where's Agent D'Overbite? Is she back in Hell-Lay? Syd's all, great. Why do I always have to break the bad news about dead people? Who'd I dick over in a life to get THIS job? Then she's all, D'Overbite's dead, baby. Dead, dead, dead-ski. Good Ethan just kind of looks off to the side as Syd quietly apologizes.
Oops Center's Conference Room Of Endless Expositions. Kendall's Korus of Kooks is hanging out, listening to their Kommander blather on at Good Ethan about how he passed his psych eval and how awesome that is. Good Ethan, who just twists his hands over and over again, looks like he's about to pick up one of the computer monitors and split Kendall's Krome Kabesa in two.
Before he can do that, however, Spy Daddy pipes up that Agent D'Overbite's death has left loads of unanswered questions. Like, how in the hell did they infiltrate Scientist Dude's operation in the first place? Then there's this long speech that Good Ethan gives in these too-sexy-for-primetime hushed tones. What's he say? What do YOU care? It's Ethan Hawke. Blah blah blah, we were hired as security experts for Scientist Dude. Bling blam blooey, D'Overbite blew him in the backseat of his limo, thereby earning his trust enough to become his new driver. Tic tac topsy, she overheard some phone conversation where Scientist Dude said something about Project Helix being ready for testing. And finally, flip flap flop, I can't believe these guys PAID me to come on and do this show! Damn, this is fun!
Kendall's all, Scientist Dude has a boss? Good Ethan's all, yeah, I guess. Whatever. Aren't I cute? Spy Daddy's all, so you never heard the voice yourself? Good Ethan's all, come on! I'm cute, right? Spy Daddy's all, yeah, you're cute. Your eyes okay? Good Ethan's all, yeah, whatever. You said I'm cute. That's enough for me. Now, if I can just get Uma to say it around the house ONCE IN AWHILE.
Regina: Seriously. He's all kinds of cute.
Wendy Kroy: I know. I'm kind of having trouble concentrating on the plot, actually.
Regina: There's a plot?
Wendy Kroy: Oh, don't be rude.
Regina: I'm not! It's just, I'm sort of too stunned by Ethan Hawke's inherent cuteness to pay attention to the whole cloning or whatever thing, you know?
Wendy Kroy: Trust me. I know.
Jack then asks what led to his capture. Good Ethan's all, Langley ordered us to break into the Cuckoo Con Carne facility and hack the central database. I decided to go alone, because that would make it easier for the writers to place me in a position to be abducted and tortured and possibly thought of as an evil clone. And it worked. I was nabbed, dudes, before I even had a chance to transmit some such shit to D'Overbite. Kendall's all, do you know how D'Overbite was compromised? Good Ethan's all, no, but last time I checked, "compromised" was NOT a synonym for "blown up like a donkey-shaped piñata with a bottle rocket shoved up its hole." Kendall's all, okay then. I think that about wraps it up. Why don't you take your grumpy little self off to your safehouse, okay? Unless anyone has anything else to add? Good Ethan looks down at his hands and says, "We were engaged." Everyone kind of looks at each other, and then Syd and Vaughn share this really tense and poignant moment where they both look at each other and appear to wonder, "Durr. Do you think this could be US in a couple of years? Ew. Let's forget about the spy sex we're going to engage in later, okay? I'll see ya around the farm!"
Back from the break, Agent Sean's got his mojo working on Blandy. He's showing her the footage of Olivia D'Overbite blowing up and telling her something about digitizing the news coverage of the bombing. Don't care. He's all, soooo, like Italian food? She's all, save it, soldier; I have a boyfriend, oh-KAY? Agent Sean's all, yeah. Me too.
Wendy Kroy: He does? Agent Sean has a boyfriend? Can we get confirmation on that?
Regina: Better call the Gay Mafia.
Wendy Kroy: Where's the phone?
Vaughn enters and calls Agent Sean over and blah blahs something about how Agent D'Overbite was religious in her updating the CIA of any blip in protocol or even the slightest problem. But the day that Good Ethan was supposedly captured, nada. Zip. Zilch. Zero. Why? Agent Sean's all, dude? I don't care. Did you see how HOT the new chick is?
Speaking of the new chick, she's noticed something on the monitor and calls her boy toy over. Agent Sean walks up, and Blandy informs him that there was a flash of static right before the blast. "An RF transmitter would account for the interference," she blands, "but all radio signals were shut off." The tape's played back so we can see the flash (and D'Overbite being blown up) a couple of times. Agent Sean's all, okay, that means the signal had to come from the triggerman, right? Blandy's all, that means he'd have to be within a block radius of this here camera. Agent Sean's all, okay then. Let's find out where this news van was parked. Check all ATMs, traffic cams, amateur videos taken by "interested" passersby, everything! And when that's done, will you have sex with me? Blandy's all, sure. Can I bring my boyfriend? Agent Sean ponders this as we move on to the scene.
Which just happens to be Syd and her big-ass SUV pulling up outside a ranch house, which the captions inform us is the "CIA Safehouse." Call me crazy, but do safehouses often exist on pretty little streets in Southern California? I mean, I grew up in Long Beach and I'd really like to know if there were a couple of errant almost-blinded spies just hanging out in the 'hood while I was listening to my Andy Gibb records.
Syd gets out and goes to knock on the door, but there's no answer. She enters, carrying a brown paper bag, and sees that the place is busted up all to hell. Instead of pulling out her gun, Syd just hangs onto the paper bag, which probably contains crackers and Brie and a tasty little domestic sparkling wine, and carefully makes her way through the house.
She comes upon Good Ethan, slumped at the kitchen table with a big bottle of booze in front of him. She dumps her snacks and makes her way toward him. "Beware the grieving man and his bottle," he rasps. Then he gets up and stumbles toward her, carrying his liquid pacifier. As he weaves toward her, he says, "[D'Overbite] used to say that she had spent so much of her life pretending to be other people that she was afraid she might disappear. And I have been sitting here trying to remember all her aliases and you're right. It's hard to keep track." God, he's cute. Deciding to share a bit of her pain, Syd brings up Dead Danny and how she compartmentalizes all the other emotions in her life, but that one, well, she keeps it nice and fresh in an airtight Tupperware container in her frontal lobe. "As hard as it is," she says softly, "I would rather feel it than to not feel anything." Yeah, it's a badly constructed sentence. I would have felt better if she'd said, "I would rather feel it than not feel anything at all." But her heart's in the right place, so I'll just have to let it go. Good Ethan lets it go too and kind of rolls his eyes and looks off toward the kitchen sink, obviously not ready to feel much of anything other than the cool, soothing touch of the bottle to his lips. He starts to swig, but Syd stops him, taking the bottle away. Good Ethan interprets this gesture as, "Kiss me NOW, dammit! Let me suck the liquor off your lips!" He launches himself at Syd's face and makes it just sloppy enough so that we're supposed to go, "Ew! Get your lips off her!" Instead, we just sit there and drool at the screen because good Lord is Ethan Hawke a good desperation kisser! Seen Hamlet? I suggest you do. As soon as possible.
Syd's already got a good kisser in her shed, however, so she's not having any of it. She sort of gently doesn't respond to his lips, and he winds up kind of stumbling away from her, apologizing, his shirt all disheveled and adorable. She's about to say, "S'okay. I would have liked it if I hadn't recently made out with a hot French guy," but the entrance of a couple of CIA dudes prevents her from doing so. They're all, Good Ethan? Yeah, put your hands behind your back, dude. Game over. Good Ethan's not fond of this plan, so he engages in some ass-kicking of his own that's really rather impressive, and winds up with both agents on the floor and one of their guns in his hand.
Syd's all, Good Ethan! Calm down! You can kiss me again if that's what you want! Good Ethan's all, get out, Syd! Go! Just go! God, he's cute. Have I said that already? Syd starts to walk behind him and then drops him with a kick to the backs of his knees. The CIA dudes are up and at 'em. Good Ethan's struggling, and Syd's trying to get him to calm the fuck down. She's also trying to get the CIA dudes to calm the fuck down, but they're too hopped up on the idea of kicking Good Ethan's ass to pay attention. They haul Good Ethan off into federal custody without telling Syd why, and she just stands there looking confused.
Wendy Kroy: I'm confused too.
Regina: About what?
Wendy Kroy: About where in the HELL is Bradley Cooper this episode? And David Anders? And, while we're on the subject, my heroine, Lena Olin?
Regina: Dude. This episode is all about the Spy Sex, okay? Bradley will be back week.
Wendy Kroy: Well, he better be. Daddy doesn't do well if he ain't fed a weekly dose of Will.
Regina: Okay. There are SO many things wrong with what you just said that I can't really talk to you for a few minutes.
Wendy Kroy: What? Now that you're all Owen-ized, you can't talk about Daddy's fixation on the Willage?
Regina: Seriously, dude. Don't talk to me.
Wendy Kroy: WHAT?
Regina: Do you WANT to spend the rest of the episode hanging from my windowsill? Right. That's what I thought. Shut UP.
Oops Center. Syd races in, obviously having never heard of a little device known as a "cell phone," and demands to know what in the HELL is going on. With an absolutely straight face, Spy Daddy starts spewing some shit about how Project Helix is actually some -gen molecular gene therapy and involves a procedure whereby a patient's face and body are reshaped to identically resemble someone else. And Good Ethan was the first guinea pig. Whuh? The hell? Gene-splicing? Cloning? Hey, J.J. Chris Carter called. He wants his story arc back.
Syd's all, so, like, what? Good Ethan isn't really Good Ethan at all? Spy Daddy's all, yeah, that's a distinct possibility. Syd's all, well, then, who the hell is he? Spy Daddy's all, uh, we think it's the Scientist Dude, Marcovic. Syd's all, okay, there is NO way that Good Ethan is Marcovic; we shared boo-hoo stories about our dead fiancé(e)s! He tried to kiss me! He's hot! Vaughn's all, okay, we'll discuss the whole desperation kiss thing later, honey. Right now, I want you to check out this shot of someone who looks just like Good Ethan hanging out in a phone booth about three inches away from Detonated D'Overbite. Then, just for good measure, in case we're all in a coma, we're shown a CIA file with Good Ethan's visage on it. Yep. It's him. Good or Bad.
Oops Center's Conference Room Of Endless Expositions. Jack's standing to a big-screen TV, spouting more clone/gene-splicing crapola. Basically, having a little handy-dandy clone machine around would be very good for international terrorism (read: Osama Bin Laden could tog himself out as Donny Osmond and no one would be the wiser) and very bad for national security (read: everyone hates Donny Osmond, but not enough to kill him, and therefore Osama would be free to run rampant over the land, wearing a coat of many colors and singing pop ditties from days gone by.)
Syd's all, how's this possible without huge scars and shit? Jack's all, it ain't surgical, sweetheart. A patient's genetic code is altered to reshape their physical attributes. Syd's all, is this reversible? Jack's all, honey, it ain't even POSSIBLE in the first place, but for the sake of the rest of the show, I'll just answer, "Dunno." There's more blah-blah-ing about how it only works on certain genetic dispositions, and the recipient has to be in a comatose state for several days while their cells regenerate, and you can only tell the real person from the double by an ocular scan.
Wendy Kroy: Okay, they haven't figured out how to clone anything better than a SHEEP in two hundred and fifty years, but this Marcovic idiot figured out how to clone a human in ONE EPISODE?
Regina: Shhhh. Just think about the Ethan.
Kendall's all, yeah, so, really, that just means that we still can't be sure if Good Ethan's really good or not. Syd's all, dude? Did I mention the kissing? And the shared sad sack stories? "He's on our side," she states emphatically. Over in The Clone Confirmation Center, Good Ethan's getting his eyes checked for cloning. He passes with flying colors.
Minutes later, in The Non-Flirting Corner, Syd fills Good Ethan in on Project Helix. Just in case we haven't been paying attention, Syd repeats the whole gene-splicing thing for our benefit. I seriously don't know how they all kept straight faces during this shit. I think they all finished shooting, shared a spliff in the bathroom, and then laughed themselves silly for about three hours. "Project Helix! Bwa ha ha!" "Gene therapy! Tee hee hee!" "Ocular flaws! Har har har! Dude. Don't bogart the bone!"
Syd goes on to tell Good Ethan that the man who stole his identity was none other than Marcovic himself. Good Ethan's all, now I know why Olivia D'Overbite didn't call for an extraction; she didn't know I was captured. "We had a hotel room in Berlin," he rasps. "She thought she was with me." Syd looks clearly uncomfortable with the realization that, if D'Overbite thought she was with Good Ethan, then it's most likely that she was WITH Bad Ethan, if you know what I mean, and I think you do. Good Ethan wants to know what the move is, and Syd tells him that they've tracked the prototype to a freight yard in Poland (the hell?) and that she's been ordered to download the schematics and destroy the fucker. "I'm coming with you," says Good Ethan with a defiant air. Syd just nods as if to say, oh hell YEAH you are!
Poland. Land Of Invasions, Sausage, And Elk. ["Isn't that Lapland?" -- Sars] Syd and Good Ethan run through some freight yard in their cool black spy outfits. She communicates to base that they're in place. There's an extended little bit of spy-foolery as Vaughn leads Syd and Good Ethan to all the guards they have to drop. I think this section of the episode was provided as a means to show us that Syd's still killing people, Good Ethan's on her side, and that dim lighting is a GOOD thing.
After they drop all the guards, Good Ethan and Syd make it to the appropriate freight car, set up a drill, bust through the door, and enter the car. All in silhouette, mind you. And you better start liking that silhouette shit, because there's LOTS of it later on.
Once inside the freight car, Syd starts to rig up some explosives; Good Ethan gets on the computer, telling base that he's into the data log. Good Ethan quickly discovers that the gene sequencer has been used twice. Of course, the computer doesn't tell him WHO the second recipient was, but because we've already seen Francinator in action, we already know. But for those of us out there who went temporarily blind every damn time "Francie" was onscreen, they show us a clip of her futzing with the TV in Syd's room and looking generally eeeevil. See? Get it? She's the DOUBLE! As if the dark eyeliner wasn't enough of a clue!
Oops Center. Some operator tells Vaughn that he has an urgent call. He picks up and puts it on speakerphone, asking who's on the other end. It's Good Ethan. Or Bad Ethan. Or -- oh, hell, we already know it's Bad Ethan. Let's just stick with that. Bad Ethan's all, I'm Good Ethan! That guy you captured was Marcovic! He's a mad scientist!
We get a shot of Bad Ethan speeding along in his jeep in the dark, yammering into a phone. Vaughn's all, yeah, we know all that, dude. What's YOUR problem? Bad Ethan's all, my problem is, I'm the REAL Ethan and I just escaped twelve hours ago! Vaughn's all, right, whatever -- where are you now? Bad Ethan's all, I'm in Poland, dude! I'll save you a kielbasa! I'm heading for the freight yard and I'm gonna destroy the prototype! Agent Sean tracks him on his monitor as being two miles away from Syd and Good Ethan. Jack hits the mute and speculates that the dude on the other end of the phone could indeed be Bad Ethan, which of course we all know he is.
Vaughn takes him off mute and is all, dude, I'd like to believe you, but we did that whole ocular scan thing and Good Ethan is actually Good Ethan so, like, you're shit outta luck, my friend. Bad Ethan's all, that ocular scan thing doesn't work! It's a joke! Jack's all, ha ha, very funny, motherfucker. Do NOT approach the freight yard or I will KICK your cloned ass! Bad Ethan's all, what? What was that? You're breaking up! I'm going under a bridge! There must be a television tower nearby! What? Then he's gone.
Meanwhile, over in the freight yard, we see Bad Ethan's jeep approaching. He stops, readies his gun, and jumps out, leaving his lights on. That's gotta be bad for the battery, dude. Back in Oops Center, Vaughn instructs someone to put him through to his girlfriend on a separate channel so only she can hear him. Ooh, romantic. He gets through to her and, after instructing her to not react, tells her she looks hot in that skullcap and he can't wait to rip it off her, along with everything else she's wearing. Or maybe he tells her that Good Ethan may not be Good Ethan after all.
Syd clears her throat to let Vaughn know she understands what he's told her, and gets up. Good Ethan's suddenly right at her side, attempting to look moderately sinister. "Backup copy," he says, holding up a disc. Syd looks at him funny, because she's physically unable to hide ANYTHING on her face, and he moves back to the computer. Jack gets on the horn and tells her that, since there's no way to verify if the dude who just called in is Good or Bad Ethan, she should disarm the guy she's with and take cover so she can nab the other dude when he shows up.
She pulls out her gun and points it at Good Ethan's head, instructing him to not move. He's all, what're you doing? Syd grabs his gun and is all, enough chitchat. Get your hands behind your head and drop to your knees. He obeys, and she tosses him some handcuffs. Yeah. Because he can be trusted to lock himself up. Syd informs Vaughn that Good Ethan's secure and asks how far away the other man is. Good Ethan's all, what other man? Dude! I'm Good Ethan, okay! We've been through this!
Regina: He IS Good Ethan! Let him go!
Wendy Kroy: He IS Good Ethan! Let him come over HERE!
Syd's all, yeah, whatever. Just lock yourself to the bar conveniently placed behind you and shut up. He attaches the cuffs to the bar, but won't shut up, and keeps trying to convince her that he's the real deal. She's all, then why is the other dude traveling alone? Good Ethan's all, oh, I don't know! The better to eat you with? Jesus, let's get ON with this! The other dude killed D'Overbite, and he's gonna kill you! Syd ignores him and jumps out of the car.
At the same time, Bad Ethan's making his way through the dimly lit cars. Back in the car, Good Ethan's trying to break himself free of the bar. Bad Ethan keeps moving. Syd comes up behind him and shouts, "Hold it!" She tells him to drop the gun and turn around. Back in the car, Good Ethan decides that the only way to break free of the bar is to break his own hand out of the cuffs. Ew. But -- sigh. Ethan Hawke in pain is really hot.
Back with Syd and Bad Ethan, he turns, but doesn't drop the gun. He's all, I'm Good Ethan! Really! Trust me! Syd's all, drop the gun! Drop the gun! DROP THE GUN INFINITY! Back in the car, Good Ethan cradles his busted bones and jumps out of the car. Once outside, he steps on the hand of a dead guard and grabs his gun. I'm actually kind of tweaked at this little gesture of exactitude. I mean, I've seen enough spy movies to know that this is the proper way to get the gun out of the hand of a possibly dead guy. I'm just sayin'. Good Ethan runs off in search of his doppelganger.
Then we're back with Bad Ethan and Syd and the non-gun-dropping. He seems to think that just trying to hand her the gun is a decent compromise. Of course, the non-dropping makes it much more convenient for him to toss it back into an operational position when Good Ethan makes his appearance behind Syd right that second. "Get down!" shouts Bad Ethan. Syd drops and Bad Ethan shoots at Good Ethan. More bullets are exchanged. Then both Ethans roll under some cars and out of sight.
Vaughn's all, Sydney? Honey? TALK TO ME! Syd's too busy trying to find the Ethans. And, really, if you had two Ethans at your disposal, wouldn't YOU be busy trying to find them? The two Ethans are trying to find each other as well. And we're chasing and they're chasing and Syd's chasing. They all catch up with each other between some cars, and Good Ethan orders Bad Ethan to drop it. Bad Ethan's all, he's lying! Shoot him! Good Ethan's all, no, HE'S lying! Shoot HIM. Syd just stands there, not knowing who in the hell to shoot, except maybe the writer who came up with the stupid clone plotline in the first place.
Syd steps forward and says, "Neither of you can drop your guns." And then, THEN -- she drops hers! The hell? Good Ethan agrees with me, because he's all, dude? What are you DOING? "I hope you like your face, Dr. Marcovic," she says, pulling the trigger out of her pocket. "You're gonna have it for a long time." She fires up the detonator, which emits a high-pitched whine.
Both the Ethans steal a glance at her. Bad Ethan must really hate looking like Ethan Hawke, however, because he's all, no, don't! And he turns to shoot Syd before she can destroy the clone machine. Good Ethan takes him down with a couple of shots. Then Syd presses the button anyway, and the clone machine goes up in flames. She looks over at Dead Bad Ethan, and we see him lying on the ground. I have to admit, I half expected him to return back to his Marcovic face, kind of like he was a werewolf or something.
Wendy Kroy: I totally thought that too!
Regina: I know! We've totally watched An American Werewolf in London waaaaay too many times.
Wendy Kroy: Oh, I know. But I can never get too much of blood and guts and gore and the appropriate usage of "Bad Moon Rising" or "Moondance."
Regina: Sigh. Me either. God. We are SO Will and Grace.
Wendy Kroy: Oh, sweetie. That is so cute that you think that. Except we're so NOT Will and Grace.
Regina: We're not?
Wendy Kroy: No, baby. We're Jack and Karen, and you know it.
Regina: Yeah. Yeah, I do. Hi, poodle.
Wendy Kroy: Hi, muffin. Who's your daddy?
Regina: You are.
Wendy Kroy: Let's touch bellies.
Regina: Mmm-kay.
Good Ethan walks over and looks down at Dead Bad Ethan. Syd joins him and gently pushes his hand with the gun down so that he's not aiming it at Dead Bad Ethan anymore. Good Ethan just walks away as Syd continues to look down at the body.
Oops Center. Syd enters, wearing a cute little blue turtleneck that somehow manages to sneak us a peek at her flat little belly. I do that sometimes, when I'm feeling thin. I'll wear the low-slung black suit pants with the shirt that almost-not-quite reaches the top of my pants so that, if I raise my arms in a well-timed stretch, all the boys around me can get a good look at the mole to my belly button. You know, because that is so HOT.
Ahem. Anyway, Vaughn and Good Ethan are chatting across the room. Aw. Cute boys in suits. Look at them chuckle and grin at each other. They see Syd and they go to shake hands, only to stop because Good Ethan's hand is in a cast. Good Ethan kind of waves the cast at Vaughn. Oh, Jesus. Ethan Hawke's even cute when he's crippled. And Vartan's even cute when he's saying nothing and just reacting to shit. God, they're cute.
Vaughn walks off, and Good Ethan walks over to Syd. She's all, four weeks off, eh? It's the least these over-working bikini-pushing bastards could do. Good Ethan says, "Yeah, well, they offered me counseling. But I haven't not worked in eight years." Okay, how is counseling even on the same level as a vacation? I mean, was that the offer? "Hey, you've been through hell. How's a couple of sessions with Dr. Nancy sound to ya? Or, like, a really long vacation? S'up to you, dude." The CIA sucks. Remind me not to join up any time soon.
Syd's all, so? Where ya headed? Good Ethan's all, I'm goin' ta Disneyland! Or he says, "Fiji. I've never been there before. D'Overbite and I were going to go for our honeymoon. She was from there." Oh, please. No one's from Fiji. I mean, have YOU ever heard of anyone actually BEING from Fiji? I mean, besides a FICTIONAL CHARACTER?
Syd's all, I know. I knew her. She what? She did? Since when? Could she maybe have mentioned this back in the kitchen when Good Ethan and his bottle were coming in for a landing on her lips? Oh, who cares? All we're supposed to learn from this moment is that Good Ethan had never been to Fiji and that's how D'Overbite new that Good Ethan was really Bad Ethan back in the Berlin hotel room. Oh, and that Syd knew her. But she didn't. But I don't care.
Then Syd says, "One thing about my fiancé...I was lucky to know him for as long as I did." Good Ethan swallows, smiles bittersweetly, and says, "Thank you." They share a little moment before Good Ethan walks off to write another trashy piece of middlebrow fiction. Syd looks after him, wondering if her dead fiancé is going to be looking down while she engages in a little spy-on-spy action in about three seconds.
The absolutely appropriate and wholeheartedly sexy strains of Coldplay's "God Put A Smile Upon Your Face" start playing on the soundtrack. We get a shot of a hand picking up a wine glass, and sadly, I initially thought it was Vaughn's hand and I was all, holy shit, that man has HOT hands. Turns out it's actually Syd's hand on the wineglass, which of course makes me think about Jen Garner's comment that she and Lena Olin have really huge hands, and then I'm off onto a whole other tangent about hands and Wendy Kroy has to smack me.
Wendy Kroy: Keep to the schedule, sister. You're almost there.
Regina: I'm sorry. I think I'm just putting it off because the Spy Sex gets me far too hot for my own good.
Wendy Kroy: You and me both, honey. And I'm GAY and it still gets me hot.
Ovary Electric Kitchen. Syd takes a sip of wine and puts the glass down, smiling. The camera pans across, and we get a shot of Vaughn watching her with the most intensely hot expression I've ever seen. Even his forehead wrinkles are getting me hot and bothered. He watches as Syd lifts the lid off one of her Calphalon pans and sprinkles love dust all over the contents. She turns and walks past Vaughn, so closely that their enormous foreheads almost touch. She leans past him, picking something up off the counter beside him, and it looks like she's going to look up and kiss him, but she just smiles at him and coyly walks away.
He looks her up and down a couple of times as Chris Martin sings about God and smiles and faces. Then Syd dips a spoon in the pot, takes a taste, and as the drums kick in on the song, she turns and offers Vaughn a taste as well. He leans forward, his hand on her wrist, her hand on his face, and she puts the spoon in his mouth. She returns to stirring whatever the hell is on the stove, replaces the lid, and turns the heat down. Then she opens the stove to check on what's inside and Vaughn can't stand it anymore. His hand grabs her arm and pulls her up. They start kissing, his hands at her waist, his lower lip reaching out for more sugar. "You're so beautiful," he breathes. "Dinner's ready," she smiles. "We do have an oven," he says, obviously not concerned with the garlic bread that's burning. "We can reheat." Awww YEAH you can! They smile at each other, start kissing again, and Syd karate-kicks the oven door closed.
Bedroom Of Bad Lighting. Syd and Vaughn lie back on the bed, their faces in silhouette. What'd I say about silhouette? Huh? What'd I say? They continue to kiss, her hand running down his back. He pulls back a little bit and starts kissing her stomach as she makes "mmmmm" faces. Then her back arches, and before we can all wonder if there's something going on down there that can only be described with a lovely little Latin word, there's a weird cut to Vaughn, shirtless, pulling her up to meet him.
They kiss again as he pulls off her tank top and puts his hand in her hair. He pushes her back down on the bed, and we see the reflection of them gettin' it awwwwn in her TV screen. Before we're treated to the view of a pantsless Vaughn, we zero in on that spot where Francinator was fucking around earlier in the show. Could there be a CAMERA in there? Sure enough, we switch to a view of Syd and Vaughn gettin' it awwwwn on a black-and-white monitor. And who should be watching the Spy Sex but Francinator herself. Ew. And more ew. And just for good measure, EW!
Wendy Kroy: Okay, of all the evil things in the world she could choose to do her first time out as Francinator and she chooses WATCHING SPY SEX?
Regina: You mean, other than shooting the real Francie in the head at point-blank range?
Wendy Kroy: Oh, that. Right. Forgot about that.
Regina: Yeah, dude. She's already been evil. This is just an example of her being evil and sick.
Wendy Kroy: Sick is right. Sitting there. Watching the Spy Sex.
Regina: Honey?
Wendy Kroy: What?.
Regina: We're watching Spy Sex.
Wendy Kroy: But we're not evil, are we?
Regina: Depends on who you ask.
[pause]
Wendy Kroy: You're going to play it back, right?
Regina: You have to ask?
Wendy Kroy: Yeah. We're all sorts of evil.
Regina: Pretty much.