Double Agent

Wendy Kroy: So what in the hell was this show all about, anyway?
Regina: I don't know. Cloning or some such shit?
Wendy Kroy: Really? I thought it was about hot shirtless guys and spy sex.
Regina: Ohhhh yeah! That's it! That's what it's about.
Wendy Kroy: Speaking of hot, shirtless guys...where's Owen?
Regina: Where do you think?
Wendy Kroy: In the bedroom with a box of Honey Grahams and a bunch of Fellini films?
Regina: Uh-huh.
Wendy Kroy: But...is he naked?
Regina: Except for the cowboy hat.
Wendy Kroy: Your boyfriend rules. Can we go look at him and laugh?
Regina: Dude. We're supposed to be recapping this show.
Wendy Kroy: Oh. [pause] Can we go look at him, laugh, and then do the recap?
Regina: [pause] Hee. Yeah. Bring the Jell-O shots.

Previously on Alias: The Alliance gone buh-bye. Syd and Vaughn made out. And Foolio became Fauxlio. Oh, and Jessica saved my ass with her recaplet because I'm a mental reject. Thanks, Jessica!

Berlin. No, not the BAND. Although I could do with a little "Sex (I'm A)" right about now. Speaking of sex, we open up on a pair of smooth, naked female legs, rubbing against each other beneath a white sheet. And, yeah, we're allllll supposed to assume that this is Syd and that she's in the throes of "morning after" bliss. Even though, you know, it doesn't really make sense for Syd and Vaughn to touch tongues in Hell-Lay and then, like, FLY TO BERLIN to get it awn. But I'm thinking that duping us into wondering if these are Syd's legs was foremost on the creators' minds.

But it's not Syd. It's Olivia D'Abo. And that hand caressing her shoulder while she makes ooky faces isn't Vaughn's. It's Ethan Hawke's. And while we're at it, ROWR. Good god, he's cute. And he seems to be channeling that Gattaca kind of cute, not the Reality Bites kind of cute. Not that there's anything wrong with the latter; it's just that the former is a sleeker, more savory kind of cute. Anyway...Olivia overbites at Ethan something about how, when they've finished up in Berlin, they should haul ass back to Fiji. Ethan's all, yeah, uh-huh, that'd be nice. We had loads of fun there before, right? I mean, yeah, we had loads of fun there. I didn't mean to sound questioning or anything. Because I'm totally NOT an evil clone.

He leans down to kiss her, and even in that short moment, I'm struck by the thought that Ethan Hawke looks like one delicious kisser. He's all pouty and plush and mmmm...

Wendy Kroy: Dude? Are gonna do this all throughout the episode?
Regina: I have considered it, yes.
Wendy Kroy: Well, bring it down a notch. If you're like this in the first five minutes, I can't even IMAGINE what you're going to be like during the Spy Sex.
Regina: Mmmmm...Spy Sex...
Wendy Kroy: Oh, dear lord.

As Ethan gets out of bed and walks to the bathroom, Olivia gets this sort of "oh, dude, this guy is SO an evil clone" expression on her face. He stops before leaving the room and looks at her, the better to show off his wicked bod and his uncanny resemblance to one Bucky the Snowman. Ew. Don't make me hate the Ethan. I love the Ethan. Please make it stop.

Ethan informs Olivia that he's just going to take a shower, and leaves. Instead of chasing after him with her digital camera, however, as I would have most certainly done, Olivia just sort of overbites at the ceiling and then launches herself out of bed when she hears the shower going. She nudely slinks over to her laptop and starts click-clacking away. Then she throws on a robe and types, "ABORT OPERATION: CONFIRMATION" into the body of an email. We get a quick, sinister shot of a black and red tiled bathroom where the shower appears to be empty.

Wendy Kroy: Okay, that bathroom is killer.
Regina: I know. What is that? The Hotel Monaco or something?
Wendy Kroy: Oh, please, girl. The Hotel Monaco isn't THAT sexy.
Regina: How do you know?
Wendy Kroy: I just do.
Regina: Oh, that's right. That time you stalked Justin Timberlake in New York and wound up locked in the wardrobe at the Hotel Monaco for, like, eight hours?
Wendy Kroy: Best eight hours of my life.

Back with Olivia D'Overbite, we see her type, "LENNOX IS A" and then she hears a door squeak behind her. Now, instead of sending the email first, she picks up a gun and goes to look for Ethan. The hell? Send the email. You had two more words to go: "EVIL CLONE." How hard is that to type? Get it in there, hit send, and then go chasing after Mr. Thurman with your gun at the ready. God. I should give lessons in spying. What with Syd being unable to keep her damn mouth shut and Olivia D'Overbite traipsing off to bathrooms unknown without sending valuable communiqus, I'm thinking there's a market out there for an instructor who teaches spies NOT to suck.

Olivia D'Overbite makes her crappy spy-like way into the bathroom, sees that the shower's empty, turns, and there's Bad Ethan, ready to slam her one in the face with his fist. Damn, that looked like it hurt. She must have really sucked in bed. Or not, as the case may be. Oh, who cares? I'm too distracted by Bad Ethan's smooth, sculpted torso to care what's happened to Olivia D'Overbite. We cut to a quick Alias placard shot, and just like last week, it's clear that there isn't going to be any "Story of Alias" voiceover by Agent Sean.

After he busts Olivia D'Overbite's face, we catch up with Bad Ethan as he's making a phone call to Sloane, informing Uncle Arvin that he's been compromised. "How do you want me to handle it?" he asks. Then we're with Uncle Arvin, who's lost his beard, but has gained yet another inappropriately baggy suit reject from the Salvation Army bin in David Byrne's closet. "Use her to send a message," sneers Sloane, looking serenely satanic. "And make it public." Oh, there's just nothing tastier than Satan Sloane. Bad Ethan hangs up the phone and wonders if Uma remembered to turn the oven off before they left for Hell-Lay.

Ess Dee Ex. Syd's hanging around in her red tank top looking forlorn and vaguely uncomfortable, as if she had far too much tuna salad with Miracle Whip and sweet relish for lunch yesterday and that rock in her stomach still hasn't gone away. Her boyfriend enters and walks over to her. He's all, hi. She's all, hi. He's all, hiiii. She's all, hee. I'm all, HEE and gosh and aw and tee hee and giggle giggle. Seriously. There's some sort of dialogue going on but I'll be damned if I'm listening to it. I'm too busy chortling like a twelve-year-old over all the grinning and googling and general "gee we KISSED" ga-ga-ing to even notice if there's TALKING.

After the initial tee-hee-ing dies down, Syd asks about Dix and Dingus. Vaughn tells her that they're going to be in debrief for awhile and that Satan Sloane's been put on Interpol's most wanted list. Then Syd sort of looks down at her shoes in search of a bootleg video of the smooching scene and says, "About last night --" Vaughn's all, oh, is this about Alice McPlotDevice? Syd's all, uh, YEAH. I mean, we were sharing more than a high five last night over our triumph, mmm-kay? Vaughn's all, don't worry about it. I dumped her ass this morning.

Regina: Oh, okay. Way to be classy, Agent Asshole. What, was he just keeping Alice McPlotDevice in reserve until he was sure he had Syd by the seat of her exercise pants?
Wendy Kroy: Totally! What is UP with that? Are you sure seven hours is enough of a transition time for you there, Inspector Impatience?
Regina: God. I mean, I can't wait for the Spy Sex and everything, but that seems awfully dicky of him to just call up Alice and be all, "Hi. What's up? Yeah. Uh. Sorry your dad died and everything, but I'm about to get hot and wet with my new spy girlfriend so, like, see ya!"
Wendy Kroy: I know! I mean, give it a day or so, Captain Condom!
Regina: And while we're at it, could you do that shy smile thing again? Ahhhh...thank you...

Vaughn's all, truth is, she only really existed in the writers' imaginations, so we've been over for a long time. Then Jennifer Garner's dimples make another appearance and she starts grinning so hard it looks like her cheeks are going to fall off, and I'm having difficulty locating the thirty-four-year-old woman who normally occupies this chair at this computer in this apartment in Chicago. Dudes. Tee. And hee.

Syd keeps up with the perma-grin and says that now she'll actually be able to enter the CIA through the front door. Vaughn's all, yeah, and I'll even be able to give you a ride! I bet you will, Agent Awww Yeah. ROWR. He smiles at her. She smiles at him. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Oh, and TEE HEE.

Ich bin ein Berliner. With a somewhat wicked icy tint over the lens, we watch as a silver van squeals around a corner and dumps a barefoot blonde wrapped in plastic or something onto the sidewalk. People scramble in a panic as she rolls around. Yeah, it's Olivia D'Overbite. We don't really find that out 'til later, but, like, you totally know it's her.

Oops Center. Kendall, Jack, Syd, and Mr. Syd are all hanging out, looking over seating charts for the wedding reception. Agent Sean walks up with some blonde chick (what is WITH the blondes in this ep? Were they fulfilling a quota or what?) and introduces her as Christine Phillips, the new clandestine services grad who's going to be milling around and acting as yet more eye-candy while she observes operations. Agent Sean introduces the cozy crew and Blondie gushes at Syd that she's read her operations file and it's a real honor to be in the presence of a girl who's hotter than me and who can kick ass while wearing latex! Syd's all, yeah, whatever, who's the campfire girl over here?

Back in Berlinerplatz or whatever, the polizei have arrived on the scene. Olivia D'Overbite shakingly gets to her feet, and we get a washed-out close-up of her tear-stained and mascara-streaked face. Think I have enough hyphens in there? Someone at Oops Center is just surfing around looking for shots of Sabotage Sarah on Smoking Gun when they come across a news airing of the goings-on in Berlin. Some desk jockey calls over Kendall and his Krew of Kut-Ups, and they shimmy over.

We see a live shot of Olivia D'Overbite on the screen. And here's the point where everyone in the group reacts totally differently to this situation. Syd's all, oh my God, as if she's horrified by the situation but has no personal involvement; Agent Sean's all, that's Agent D'Overbite, as if he's just reporting the traffic; Blondie's all, you guys KNOW her, as if she herself doesn't, even though she acts like it a bit later; and Vaughn's all, she's one of ours, as if Agent Sean's comment of "That's Agent D'Overbite" weren't crystal clear enough for all of us out here in our CAVES WITH NO CABLE RECEPTION.

Back in Berlin, the head of the polizei gets out of his car and checks his pocket mirror to make sure that he does, indeed, still resemble David Cronenberg. Switching back to Oops Center, someone verifies that Agent D'Overbite is tightly wrapped in a nice little sheath of C-4. Spy Daddy spits out that if the C-4's wired with a remote trigger, any radio communication could make her go BOOM! Then we get a close-up of a remote trigger in someone's hand. And just in case we didn't get the whole "remote trigger" idea, we see a finger push a button, a high-pitched whine sounds, and then we see Bad Ethan talking to Agent D'Overbite via a payphone, telling her that she's doin' fine. Note to Bad Ethan: being Saran-Wrapped in C-4 does NOT equal "fine."

Agent D'Overbite is sobbing, her chin crumbling. Blah blah blah over in Oops Center. Really. What? You want me to recap all this shit? She blows up, okay? SHE BLOWS UP. And all this little lead-in scene really does is show us that Syd can speak yet another language with a really bad accent. Olivia D'Abo does a great job in this scene; she looks terrified and sad and pathetic all at the same time. But, dudes? Who gives a shit? I don't. Bad Ethan is an evil, evil man. Olivia D'Overbite is a dead, dead woman. Moving on.

German police. Radios. Matching Vaughn and Spy Daddy pursed lips. Syd speaking German. Olivia D'Overbite singing a truly creepy rendition of "Pop Goes The Weasel." All of Oops Center watching in spooky silence. David Cronenberg looking confused and somewhat turned on by the sight of a hot chick shoved into a bag of explosives singing a childish tune. But he's David Cronenberg, so we expect that of him. Crash, anyone? Dead Ringers? Hello?

More creepy singing, with a terrified pause before the "pop!" as if that's when the bomb's supposed to go off. More David Cronenberg. More panicked Syd. More pursing from Papa Syd and Mr. Syd. Blondie watching from a distance. Head polizei guy yammering at Syd about radio silence. One more final "pop!" from Agent D'Overbite, and -- yeah, you guessed it. BOOM!

Bad Ethan looks satisfied at a job well done and runs off. The Oops Center Collective just stands around looking stunned. Blondie runs off to whimper in the bathroom. Syd just compartmentalizes her feelings and tucks that one about Agent D'Overbite's untimely death into a corner behind "Reasons To Hate My Mother."

Oops Center Ladies' Room. Syd's washing her face as she overhears Blondie crying in one of the stalls. Oh my god. She's such a tool. What a total waste of spy space. Syd asks if she's okay, and Blandy (tm Zoe5) exits the stall with her skirt around her ankles and asks if Syd has any toilet paper. I'm sorry! I had to! It was required! And wouldn't that have been HILARIOUS? Damn. I should write this show. Although it'd probably have a lot more sex, and there would be far too many jokes about "covert operations" and going "deep undercover." Yeah, so Blandy's all, I just, sniffle, wasn't ready for that. Syd's all, don't be sorry. Just stop WHINING.

Wendy Kroy: Really. They go through all the trouble of adding a blonde to the damn show and she's VANILLA?
Regina: Dude. She's so vanilla she's a fucking WAFER, okay?
Wendy Kroy: She is SO a mole or something. Nobody's that bland for no reason.
Regina: Was that a double negative?
Wendy Kroy: Blow me.

Oops Center's Conference Room Of Endless Expositions. Kendall's blah-blahing about the loss of Agent D'Overbite. She was deep undercover (I'll bet she was -- see? SEE?), and her objective was to gain the trust of some Aryan-looking R&D doctor named "Marcovic" who's been developing some technology called "Project Helix." Gee. Wonder what that could be? No, really. NO, REALLY.

Syd's all, weapons? Vehicles? Evil clones bent on destruction? Ha ha ha, oh ho ho. That last one was just a funny on my part! Hee. Sorry, Kendall. Go ahead. Kendall's all, we don't know what the hell it is, but that clone thing is just TOO farfetched, Syd. Nice try, though. Agent D'Overbite was supposed to find out just what in the hell Helix is, but her ass got blown to smithereens before she got to the bottom of it. Oh, and also? Her partner might be dead as a doornail too. He also might be in Cayo Concha, off the coast of the Dominican Republic. Now, lest my partner Spy Daddy here and I bore you to death with the extensive details of just how we found this out, or why, or who gives a shit, Syd and Mr. Syd? Get the hell outta here and bring me some Happy Helix H-intel! Syd's all, fine, whatever, who is this partner schmuck anyway? Kendall's all, oh, it's Ethan Hawke. You can thank me later.

Oh, and in case you were wondering, here's the part where you're supposed to go, "Dun dun DUN!"