Oops Center, 7:00 AM, Day Of A New Beginning.[The elevator doors open. An extremely attractive woman dressed all in black enters and approaches the reception desk, which, of course, is hidden behind a smokescreen of innuendo and plot devices.]
RECEPTIONIST: Uh. Hello? Can I help you?
WOMAN: Yes. And you can blow the smokescreen, sweetie. Contrivance Jones sees all.
RECEPTIONIST: [sucks smokescreen into conveniently placed vacuum cleaner] Excuse me?
WOMAN: Agent Contrivance Jones, reporting for duty.
RECEPTIONIST: Agent Contrivance Jones? I'm sorry, I don't have you on our roster --
JONES: Of course you don't. I'm Contrivance Jones, right? I just show up unannounced. Got it?
RECEPTIONIST: Well, not really.
JONES: Look, wingnut. I don't really have time to explain, okay? I have parachutes to conveniently place in closets, previously unknown access to the entire Alliance network to make magically appear, bizarre sexual attraction to create between heretofore non-sexually-attracted characters, and an SD-6 takeover plan that will lead to a climactic kiss. Now, I have about twenty rabid Hollywood extras that have been ordered to portray a bunch of clueless newbie agents in order to give the writers a platform to explain the entire plot of this goddamn show to a bunch of beer-soaked football fans without wreaking havoc so, like, can we move it along here?
RECEPTIONIST: Um. Yeah. [gets on the phone] Yeah, uh, could you send Kendall out here? There's some crazy bitch at the counter claiming she's... [looks at Jones]
JONES: Agent Contrivance Jones. Write. It. Down.
RECEPTIONIST: [on phone] Agent Contrivance Jones. And, uh, tell him to hurry. She's scaring me. Right. [hangs up phone] Yeah, so, Kendall's coming.
JONES: Good. Now, do you have a computer around here where I can create an imaginary email message containing the secret double-agent identities of Syd and Jack? I'm running late and I need to get to work.
Previously on Alias: A season and a half happened. And none of it matters, because this episode aired after the Stupor Bowl and was really all about keeping the dudes around for tits and giggles while not entirely alienating the core audience, who probably would have stormed the Abrams castle with a giant and an almost-dead Wesley if J.J. hadn't delivered a kiss worth dying for.
Black screen. We hear the beginning cymbal ticks of "Back on Black" by AC/DC. God-DAMN I love that song. Takes me back to high school and hanging out at the smokestack with Otter and Kray and the other reprobates. Ah, good times. A red door at the end of a hall is in frame. As the sexy Angus Young licks hit the soundtrack, the door slams open and we get a full-on shot of Syd, dressed to the nines (or the negative nines, as the case may be, since, like, she's wearing TO NOTHING) in a black lingerie ensemble, complete with garters and a sweet little sheer black cardigan. Oh, and a whip. Did I mention the whip? Football players everywhere crush beer cans against their foreheads in pre-orgasmic shock.
Syd-licious starts her saunter down the red carpeted hall, and not only is it apparent that Jennifer Garner works out, and works out A LOT, but also that she has a long waist and some serious hips. Like, she has a great bod and everything, but I'm very happy to say that she HAS a BOD. You know what I mean? She's not some anemic stick figure who looks like she'd fall over if you whispered in her general direction. (Tara Reid? I'm talking to you. Put down the crack pipe and step away from the diet pills. Because, girl? You need a double cheeseburger in the WORST way.) No. She's healthy and vibrant and gorgeous and she almost makes me wish I were a drunken male football fanatic right now.
No, Owen. I know you're not a drunken male football fanatic and you still find Syd hot. But please remember -- and this is important -- you didn't even WATCH this show before you met me. And now you're an avowed fan, aren't you? Yes, of course, you appreciate it for its underlying tones of self-referential humor and general pandering to the overall populace. You also like the lingerie-clad ass-kicking. Admit it. And don't try to impress me with your ironic usage of big words, sweetie. I have a thesaurus and I'm not afraid to use it.
Syd-licious continues her Victoria's Secret haul down the runway and drags the whip down the side of the wall as the camera switches to a back view, completing our 360° perusal of Jennifer Garner's kickin' bod. She stands there for a moment, in order to ensure that all the Stupor Boys out there are still paying attention. Of course, the Stupor Boys' girlfriends are in the room as well, but they're watching the show for entirely different reasons.
Syd enters a small room where a fat guy in a track suit sits, stuffing his chubster face with shrimp. Another dude stands to his left for reasons unknown. We get a couple more gratuitous shots of Syd-licious standing before him, slapping her whip into her hand in a not entirely unappetizing manner, as Fat Guy gives her the once-over. He orders her, in French, to put on "the red one." Then he says something in French to his useless henchman. My captions didn't pick it up, but I imagine that it's along the lines of, "Check out her tits in that bra!" Syd just delivers a glare that, if her eyes were loaded with poisoned darts, would take out Fat Guy in about two seconds flat.
But apparently Syd's not pissed off enough to NOT don "the red one," because the shot we get is of Syd-licious, dressed in a red outfit identical to the first one. It would seem that Syd's Red Lace Thong from the Marshall rescue has spent some quality time in her lingerie drawer and invited its friends Red Lace Push-Up Bra and Red Lace Kimono out for a party. The bad news is, the whip is no longer in attendance. The good news is, Syd's Killer Expression Of Seduction And Impending Ass-Kicking is. As she shoves her way down the hall, she removes the Red Lace Kimono. Fat Guy actually pauses in his face-stuffing long enough to say, "Pas mal." That's "not bad" for you philistines out there.
Syd-licious just drapes herself over the doorway, and her eyes are all, "Yeah, I'll give you 'not bad,' muthafucka!" Fat Guy dismisses Useless Henchman and wipes his greasy shrimp hands on a towel. Syd makes her slinky way over to the window as Fat Guy says something to Useless Henchman as he's shoving him out the door. Again, the captioning doesn't pick it up, but I'm assuming he's ordering Useless Henchman to get the hell out of there and go watch some porn somewhere for at least ten minutes. Because let's face it, Fat Guy looks like he can't go for more than fifteen before passing out and snoring. Fat Guy turns and looks at the glorious ass of Syd-licious as she looks out the window. We switch, quickly, to the outside of the window, and the camera shoots back to reveal that Syd's actually on a plane.
thing we know, Syd's prone on the bed, making goo-goo eyes at Fat Guy. He unzips his tracksuit and says some shit to her in French. Again, not captioned, but let's just assume that he's saying something akin to "Let's get it on, baybee." We switch to an overhead view as Syd straddles him on the bed. Ew. Oh, and ewwww! Back in regular view, Fat Guy sits up to get a closer smell of Syd's cleavage. Mmmm...pretty. She wraps her arm around him, and before we know it, she's pulled a little sumpin-sumpin out of her spangly red bracelet, yanked him around onto his stomach, jumped on top of him, and started strangling him with a cord. "What was wrong with the black one?" she hisses. Hee. So, Fat Guy's chokin' and Syd's pullin'. "Do you think it's comfortable wearing clothes like this?" Fat Guy keeps reaching for some button near the bed. "This isn't my first day on the job," she spits. "I disconnected your call button!" She continues choking him. "I know who you are. I know what this plane is!" "I don't know what you're talking about!" he gasps. "TELL ME HOW TO ACCESS SERVER FORTY-SEVEN!" she snaps in a tense whisper. Fat Guy manages to tell her that she can access server forty-seven over there behind the frame before she elbows him good right in the face.
Once he's out like a light, Syd jumps off him and runs over to a framed picture on the wall. She spins it and discovers a handy computer terminal complete with built-in wall keyboard. She click-clacks away on it, and some numbers race across the screen. She runs over to her super-spy silver suitcase, opens it, and whips out a PDA device and plugs it into the terminal. A few more click-clacks and she says out loud, "We're transmitting." Is she talking to herself now? Is it like when I walk from one room to the other in search of something, forget along the way, and then stand in the middle of living room going, "Okay. Regina. You know you came in here for a reason. What was it? What. Was. It. Oh! Cigarettes! Yeah! Got the cigarettes! Now I'm gonna get the...what was it?" No. It can't be that. She has to be talking to someone. Doesn't she?
So, Syd-licious changes into something far more appropriate, grabs the PDA and her gun, and sneaks out of the room, ready for action if Useless Henchman shows up. Sadly, AC/DC is no longer in residence; instead, we're treated to a little ditty from the James Bond back catalog as Syd and her artfully constructed last-minute chignon make their way into the main cabin of the plane. Useless Henchman's nowhere in site. He's not even hidden in the closet where Agent Jones has placed several potentially useful parachutes.
Syd makes her way through the cabin, thoughtlessly leaving her back exposed to the rest of the room, and opens a door at the end, exposing a mirror that some imaginary people to whom Syd might have been announcing the transmittal might have appreciated much more if it had been back in the bedroom where Syd was sporting the latest styles from Frederick's of Hollywood.
Syd spends one moment too long looking at herself in the mirror, and that gives Useless Henchman just enough time to appear out of nowhere and make himself useful with a gun to her head. He orders her to her knees (hee), and she complies. When she doesn't immediately give him a well-timed blowjob complete with captioning, he orders her to drop her gun. She inexplicably tosses it behind him, almost as if someone told her to do that so Useless would have to search for it. Because he's more useless than useful, the moron actually LOOKS BACK FOR THE GUN, which of course gives Syd an opportunity to kick his brawny ass.
There's kicking. And there's hitting. And some more kicking. And then there's a wine bucket to the face. Then Useless whips out a knife and starts slicing at Syd. Of course, since she's invincible, he doesn't even get a chance to leave his mark upon her. She pulls a table off its post and whams away at him, but his kung-fu skills are in evidence and he deftly knocks it aside. By the way, this scene was entirely constructed for the purpose of not scaring away the Stupor Boys, and not pissing off the Stupor Boys' girlfriends who watch this show on a regular basis and are determined to make their boyfriends watch it with them. Judging by the combination of lingerie and ass-kicking present so far, I'd say it's probably working.
Then Syd grabs a champagne bottle and goes to work on Useless. There are plenty of kicks and hits and whatnot, and the only time I notice that it ain't Jennifer Garner doing the legwork is right at the end, when the person who steps in to do the full-body spinning high kick somehow has a very dark wig on that doesn't even remotely resemble Jenny's chignon. So, like, Jennifer Garner kicks ass in this scene, except for the last part where someone else does.
Then there's the "click" of a gun, and Syd spins around. Fat Guy's regained consciousness, and he's none too happy about gettin' no lovin'. He exits the bedroom with his gun, and shoots. As soon as the bullet exits the chamber, we go to black, only to be hit with the Alias title card. Then there are some grinding guitars and Lenny Kravitz starts moaning about his "American Woman." Look. I like Lenny Kravitz and all, but -- dudes? Been. Done. Before. Couldn't the music dudes dig through the stacks of records for, say, something new and unusual and, oh, I don't know, RELEASED AFTER 1999?
Hell-Lay. The titles inform us that it's now twenty-four hours earlier. Oh. How very Seinfeld of them. Syd's running through the park in her sexier-than-lingerie running outfit. She dumps her coin in the bum's cup, thereby signaling the boys inside Oops Center that she's on her way.
Oops Center. Oh, by the way, in case the Stupor Boys are confused, the Alias crew runs "CIA Operations Center" across the bottom of the screen; you know, just to be safe. Just to let all the people out there who normally wouldn't be watching this kick-ass show know where we are.
Syd and Vaughn stalk down a hallway together. Syd's all, okay, so what's the new intel? Vaughn's all, dunno, Kendall wanted to wait 'til we were all together. Then Syd's all, right, so, I was runnin' through the park, minding my own business, and, like, there are tons of people just playing Frisbee and having picnics! What's THAT all about? Vaughn's all, yeah! In the middle of the DAY! The hell? It's called "unemployment," kids. I suggest you learn about it. Because later? After you've "debriefed" each other in the naughtiest way? Yeah. You might become very familiar with the Office of Employment Security, okay?
Then Syd's all, yeah! In the middle of the day! Hanging out! I think this is supposed to suggest a familiarity between Syd and Vaughn that people out there who haven't watched the show in FOREVER should clue into. Get it? They're not just colleagues! They're friends! See? They shoot the shit about aimless unemployed people! They're SO into each other!
Kendall brings the chatty chilruns to a halt when he passes by and asks Vaughn if he told Syd about the transfers. She looks inquisitively at him, and he's all, yeah, we have some new recruits from Langley that some hot chick in black brought in. But that's not important right now. What's important is that I have to talk to you about something. C'mere.
Vaughn opens the door to some room with no purpose, and Syd enters. They go stand up against some wall with really good lighting, and Vaughn says, "I'm going to say something and it will either be obvious to you or seem presumptuous. Either way, I got to say it. This isn't working. I've been thinking about this for a while. I don't know what the hell to do." Syd just looks at him and says, "What?" But she totally looks like she knows "what." "I think you know what," spits Vaughn. Really. He sort of spits it. "I need you to tell me," she says, like the girl she is. "You need me to tell you what?" says Vaughn, looking extremely intense, and therefore HOT. "That when you're on operations, I can't sleep at night? That when we're in debrief, I have to force myself to remember what the hell we're supposed to be reviewing? When all I want to do is kiss you?" Oh, Jesus. Help me. No, really. HELP ME. Why can't guys talk like this all the time? I mean, yeah, I don't need to be in life-threatening situations with some guy on a headset talking me through them, but, you know, a little fervent intensity would NOT go unappreciated over here. Are you listening, Owen?
Syd looks like she's about to cry when she says, "Sometimes it is hard to remember what we're supposed to be talking about..." Vaughn's all, hell YEAH! That's what I'm talkin' about! "And the thing that makes me crazy every day is that the people who would kill us if we're seen together -- the Alliance, SD-6, Sloane -- are the very forces that brought you into my life to begin with! What kind of a sick joke is that?" Dude. That is seriously some kind of sick joke. But not as sick as the one about the blood on the clown suit. That shit is SICK.
Syd's all, so what? Are you thinking we shouldn't be working together? Vaughn's all, yeah, that's what I was thinking but, like, we're GREAT together! I mean, yeah, we'd be even greater together if we were naked, but so what! We're great together! Syd's all, I know. I mean, about the being great together thing. In both capacities. Vaughn's all, so, like, the more we work together, the faster we can bring down the Alliance. Syd's all, so, uh, what're you suggesting then? Vaughn's all, uh, it should be TOTALLY obvious by now that I'm suggesting that we fucking take down the Alliance so we can go somewhere and explore each other's nether regions, okay?
Or he would have said that if Agent Sean hadn't rudely interrupted him by entering the room and saying, "What is this, the flirting corner?" Heh. Heh heh. I love Agent Sean. Especially since he's cheated death and has no time for ANYONE. Vaughn's all, yeah, we're talkin' here! Agent Sean's all, yeah, figured that part out for myself, dude. "Uh, there's a meeting? National security, remember that? It's important...for the people?" "We'll be right there," says Syd. Agent Sean leaves with an expression on his face that suggests, "Yeah, they'll be right there. AFTER THEY FINALLY DO IT." Syd looks at Vaughn. Vaughn looks at Syd. They share a mutually chagrined series of smiles and then exit The Flirting Corner
A couple minutes later, Syd, Vaughn, Jack, and Agent Sean are all hanging out in some meeting room somewhere, along with all of Agent Jones's newbie extras. Kendall's giving the cheap seats a good show with his expository tale of SD-6 and the Alliance. Now, for those of you who have been watching this show since its Run Lola Run-inspired pilot, I ain't gonna regurgitate the history for you. You know what's up. And for those of you who don't know what the deal is with the Alliance and SD-6 and Syd and Jack, well, there is a whole library of recaps for you to read, so get clicking.
The only important nugget of information to be gleaned from Kendall's exposition dance is that Uncle Arvin has been replaced by someone named Geiger. Or, to be more precise, Ron Rifkin has been replaced by Rutger Hauer. Yum. Syd looks flabbergasted. She's all, uh, excuse me? Uncle Arvin's been replaced? Kendall's all, uh, yeah! Get with the program, girl! Uncle Arvin's been MIA for five days. "With Sloane gone and Geiger coming in, we no longer have access to their inner circle. So, Sydney and Jack, your assignment is to get close to Geiger, earn his trust, get back in that inner circle. That's it."
Everyone disperses. Syd turns to her dad. "Dad, the one person I want brought to justice...he's disappeared." Jack just looks at his daughter. "I've been doing this a long time, Sydney. There's rarely an end to the story." He gets up and touches her shoulder gently. Aw. He's being a daddy. I love it when he does that.
Ess Dee Sex. Or as the captions would have it, "SD-6 Headquarters." Syd enters and makes her way over to her desk. She sees Rutger Hauer, or, as he will always be known to me, "Roy Batty," hanging out in Uncle Arvin's office, making use of the phone. Dixon, standing behind Syd, says, "I don't like it. Whatever's happening here." Neither do we, Dix. Neither do we.
Then Syd's walking into Roy Batty's office. She's all, Roy Batty? Syd Bristow. Whassup an' shit? He smiles at her pleasantly, and I'm reminded of how most of the people from the Netherlands age remarkably well. I know that many of you out there thought that Rutger looked craggy and cracked but, like, I tend to like my men craggy and cracked, so Rutger's looking pretty damn good to me right about now. Of course, if he's still a natural blond, then I'm actually a twelve-year-old boy but, whatever.
Syd enters and takes a seat. Batty picks up a file and looks at it as Syd says, "I just wanted to introduce myself. Say hello." Batty has NO time for niceties. "What can you tell me about Danny?" he says, removing his far-too-pale-for-his-skin-color glasses and placing them on the desk. God, I just love Rutger Hauer. No, of course I don't love him more than I love you, Owen. But there is a certain dynamic that an older foreign guy brings to the party and, well, you just don't have it. Give it a few years, honey. I'm sure you'll be right where Rutger is now. .
Syd's relatively surprised, but remarkably composed. "What would you like to know?" she asks. And here's where we enter "blah blah" territory. Blah blah, were you engaged? Blah blah, yeah. Blah blah, tell me more. Look. I don't mean to be rude, but this entire segment was contrived to fill in the less informed about Syd's background and why she's with SD-6. Do we all know her background? I mean, how Danny died? Why? Who did it? Why she came back to SD-6? ARE WE CLEAR? Good. Moving on.
Now, because there's a titch of information here that's something we've never heard before, I'm going to include the following conversation. Batty asks what kind of doctor Danny was going to be. Syd responds that he was going to be a pediatric cardiologist. Batty wants to know if he liked kids. Syd says, "Danny had a younger brother who was...born with a condition, a heart condition, and they were told there was no treatment." Say it with me. THE HELL? When the...what the...the HELL? Okay, the reasons for this conversation appearing in this episode may very well become clear in future episodes (namely, is Sark Danny's younger heart-condition-having brother?), but for the moment, I'm agog with cluelessness.
Batty gets up and moves around the desk, parking himself directly in front of Syd. "If the people I work for would assassinate my wife," he says, his craggy face getting even more craggy, "I would not show up at the office the day. So why come back? What for?" Syd of course responds, "The precepts of SD-6 were made clear to me when I was recruited. What happened was my fault. And I am a faithful officer of this agency." Batty just smiles at her, creating even more charming wrinkles on his face. "Thanks for coming in," he says, obviously dismissing her.
Then Syd's walking down a hallway with Danny's brother -- I mean, "Sark" -- in tow. He's all, the new boss sucks, doesn't he? Syd's all, I've seen worse, dude. Sark's all, what, am I supposed to take that personally? Syd's all, look, WHAT DO YOU WANT? Because, like, you're hot and all? But you're buggin' me, so BACK OFF. Sark's all, when I met with Batty earlier, I left his office feeling as unstrung as you look, honey. I'm just worried about you! That's all. You okay? You need a backrub or something? Syd snaps up and looks at him. "Just so you know, I'm fully strung." Hee. "We all have secrets, Sydney," says Sark. "And from what I've heard about [Batty], he'll discover them." Suddenly, Syd's interested. "What have you heard about [Batty]?" she asks. "Former German intelligence," Sark responds. "Has more enemies than various other Germans we're familiar with. He seems to think Sloane is a traitor. He's already unlocked Sloane's secret files on server forty-seven." Syd's all, there are only forty-six servers, dude. Sark's all, oh realllllly? "Well, he announced it to me as if it were a victory. 'I've already hacked Sloane's files on server forty-seven.'"
Oh. Do you get it? Server forty-seven! Do you get it? DO YOU? Do you see? DO YOU?
Subbasement Of Dreams And Desires. Sadly, Syd walks in with Jack and not Vaughn. "There's only one reason Sloane would keep secret the existence of a computer," she says, sliding open a gate. "Because this computer server forty-seven is a vulnerability." Jack's all, uh, until you give me a clue as to what the fuck you're TALKING about, I can't respond in an appropriate manner. Namely, with disdain and mistrust. Syd says, "I think there's a central Alliance computer, I think that's what server forty-seven is. A network that links all the SD cells. It makes sense, doesn't it?" Yes, Syd. Yes, it does. ON MARS. Jack's all, I'm trying to find a flaw in this line of thought so that I can make you feel bad about yourself and make me feel bigger and more fatherly. Syd's all, I gotta find this computer. If I'm right about this, and I think I am, it could tell us EVERYTHING; names of the Alliance partners, locations of their offices -- Jack's all, honey? Bring it down a notch. You're starting to scare Daddy. "Dad," she says, all business, "this could be the silver bullet." Jack considers her for a second. "I'll get the CIA to sanction it," he says.
Oops Center. Vaughn and Syd make their way over to Agent Sean's desk as Vaughn says, "We tracked down server forty-seven. The reason you couldn't get a twenty on it is because it doesn't exist on this planet. It's in the sky. It's a 747 purchased by the Alliance in 1998. They retrofitted the interior to contain a secure server and a satellite uplink." Yeah. I don't know what the fuck he's talking about either. But he looks real purdy, don't he? Anyway, Syd's all, so the server's airborne? Vaughn's all, yeah. And this guy, Gils Nancor, oversees the operation. He hands Syd a sheaf of pictures. Yeah, you guessed it. It's Fat Guy. Turns out he's not just a shrimp-stuffing idiot -- he's also an accomplished computer security expert, and he and his bodyguards travel with the server at all times, only stopping to refuel.
Syd's all, okay, so, this guy spends his life on a plane with a computer? Agent Sean's all, yeah, but it's a REALLY nice plane. Complete with a whore's den and red paneling. Vaughn says, "How did they convince an upper-level asset to do that job, right? They provide him with women." "Oh, you're kidding me," says Syd, along with the REST OF HUMANITY. "Nope," pipes up Agent Sean. "Twice a week, alternate airports in England and Spain. A high-end escort agency provides a new...friend." Okay. Ew. And, like, EW. Syd agrees with me, because she's like, okay, so I have to be this dude's friend? Vaughn quickly tells her no, she doesn't have to make the beast with two backs with Fat Guy; she just has to get him alone. He goes on to explain that the computer's in the belly of the plane, but there's terminal access in the main cabin. Agent Sean informs them that the team will be in Barcelona in order to ambush the drop-off of Fat Guy's latest date. "But they'll deliver you in her place," says Virtuous Vaughn. "Just get onto the plane, get [Fat Guy] alone, access the server, and transmit the content to us. We'll be in a cargo jet flying at altitude." Oh, not too hard or anything, boyfriend. Why not just have the server on a fucking space station or something?
Agent Sean says something about how the team has to stay within five thousand feet of the plane in order to receive her signal. Then he pulls out a little makeup case or something and shows Syd a pen and some earrings. "Here's your transmitter, the earrings will give you audio and video and op-tech has the rest of your gear." Syd takes the case and looks baffled for the first time in forever. Agent Sean gets up and tells them that they should get to the plane. They both look after him as the scene cuts out to a title card announcing that we're "OVER THE ATLANTIC." Oh, that's not too GENERAL or anything.
Then there's a shot of a plane that sort of looks like the one that Syd was on at the beginning of the episode, but without all the red lacquered cabinetry. Oh. Wait. It must be the plane that the CIA is on. Oh. Ohhhhh. So we're on a plane, but since there's no lingerie, we must be hanging out with Agent "I've Cheated Death And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt" Sean and Agent "I've Been To Paradise But I've Never Been To Syd" Vaughn. Agent Sean's grilling Virtuous Vaughn for the goods on Syd. "Okay, whenever you want to have that talk..." They're both sitting in sort of combat gear, looking at monitors. Vaughn looks confused, possibly because Agent Sean's developed conversational skills that rival Oprah's. "What talk?" he asks innocently. Agent Sean's not buying it. "About the cologne or whatever the hell you're wearing." Hee. Vaughn's all, I'm not wearing cologne! I'm not! I just smell good! Naturally! Agent Sean's all, yeah, well, something's going on, because, dude? You smell like the bottom of Calvin Klein's laundry basket.
Agent Sean hits a button, and we get a view on the monitor of what Syd must have been seeing when she traipsed down that hallway in her -to-nothings. And after we get a shot of a plain white cargo plane flying way too close to The Plane Of Red Lacquered Cabinetry, we're once again entertained with a shot of Syd in her -to-nothings, slapping her whip into her palm.
You see that, Stupor Boys?! And you thought it was okay for you to fall asleep at this point! It's never safe on Alias! Lingerie could appear at ANY moment! PAY ATTENTION!
Of course, during the replay of the first five minutes of this episode, we're treated to Agent Sean's and Vaughn's reactions to what Syd was going through. Like, she enters the room, gets told to put on "the red one," and leaves. And Agent Sean looks at Virtuous Vaughn as he watches it on the monitor, fist clenched against his mouth. "That son of a bitch!" he spits. Agent Sean's all, dude? Easy. EASY. This is a JOB, you know.
Back on The Plane Of Red Lacquered Cabinetry, Syd slams the door open to reveal the red ensemble. Wake UP, Stupor Boys! Virtuous Vaughn sees Fat Guy say "pas mal" and freaks the fuck out. "I swear I'm gonna kill this guy!" Like, what is he afraid of, that Syd's gonna do him before Vaughn gets a chance to do her? Hello? Try a little professionalism for a moment, Vaughn! I mean, this is not her first time, dude. And just because you have ants in your pants for Spy Barbie does not mean she shouldn't do her job. Turn the testosterone down a couple levels and keep your cool, Agent Amorous.
Then Syd's on the bed, and we get a monitor shot of Fat Guy comin' at her. "There's no way that guy smells as good as you," says Agent Sean encouragingly. "Aftershave," says Vaughn, not moving from the monitor. "I got a new aftershave." "Yeah, well, I'd lighten up on it," says Agent Sean, obviously having gained the power from his near-death experience to tell cologne-soused men that a spritz means a spritz and nothing more. "Yeah?" asks Vaughn, obviously under the impression that less is not more and that the better he smells, the more likely Syd is to jump into the sack with him. "Oh, yeah," says Agent Sean. "To the point of non-use." Heh. Heh heh.
Oh, and commonly, aftershave is used after YOU SHAVE, which Vaughn has clearly not done since 1984. I'm not joking. The man has more stubble than Sonny Crockett on a good day. Note to Vaughn: If you're going to pretend that your new stanky cologne is actually aftershave, you might want to remove the majority of your facial hair in order to back up your lame-ass story, boy-o.
Then we're back for a moment with Syd as she strangles Fat Guy. Agent Sean gives her a fist of power, but Agent Amorous is still grimacing. We get a monitor shot as Syd tries to get the server forty-seven location out of Fat Guy. When she elbows him, both Agent Sean and Agent Amorous look all pleased and happy that their non-girlfriend is free of the Jabba the Hutt.
Of course, now it should be completely clear that when Syd says, "We're transmitting," she's saying it to our boys on the cargo plane. There's some quick conversation about meeting at Heathrow in an hour, and Syd announces that she's going to take out the guard. We catch up with the beginning of the episode when Useless Henchman makes his appearance in the mirror with the gun. Vaughn and Agent Sean watch as he makes her kneel. "Throw the gun!" says Vaughn. "Make him reach for it!" Gee. I thought that was Syd, just being smart on her own. Huh. Color me stumped.
We go through the whole fight again in a condensed manner and wind up where we began, with Fat Guy pointing a gun at Syd. He shoots, but Syd wisely jumps behind a partition or something. He keeps shooting. Syd grabs her gun off the floor. Fat Guy keeps shooting. Syd looks up and sees the window in the exit door. She reaches over and grabs some partition or something (I have no idea what it is or why it's there, but it is, so let's call it a partition, okay?) and hangs on as she shoots a couple of times at the door window. Vaughn's all screaming at her, "Noooo! Noooo! Noooooooooo!" Too late, Vaughn. Your ass ain't here and hers is. The window's gone.
Unfortunately, when the window goes, so does the cabin pressure. The door flies off, pulling Useless Henchman with it. He flings into one of the jet engines, and his entry causes it to explode in flames. Back in the cabin, chaos ensues as everything starts flying out of the plane. Syd hangs on to anything she can. Fat Guy doesn't, and therefore wings out the plane to his death. From the outer shot of the plane, it looks like we're going down, we're going down, we're going down, down, down.
Inside, it's not much better. Shit's flying around like there's a large wind machine at the back of the set, and I fully expect John Lithgow to make an appearance and scream at the scary goblin on the wing. Syd manages to make her way to the closet full of Agent Jones's parachutes as Agent Sean and Vaughn watch in desperate anticipation. Through many jagged camera shots, we watch Syd not only put on the parachute, but also don a pair of handy parachute goggles. That Contrivance! She always plans ahead!
Syd pulls her body into a ball and manages to make it from the closet to the door of the plane and out the door past the jet engine unscathed. "What?" says Contrivance. "It was one of those straight-line-to-the-door-even-though-it-looked-like-it-wasn't planes. Kill me." Syd shoots past the engine as Vaughn watches and says, "Oh my god!" Syd, of course, is fine, and pulls her chute just to prove it. Agent Sean and Vaughn both pull off their headsets and stare at the monitor. "Whuuff," says Agent Sean, looking in dismay at the monitor. "She's all yours."
Hee.
Hell-Lay. We enter the scene with a voice-over from Foolio saying that Syd's going to be late. Again. Then we're in the Ovary Kitchen with Will as he pulls a live lobster out of an iced Igloo. Will's all, yeah, she's gonna miss the dirty work. Namely, sticking a couple of live lobsters into a pot of boiling water. Ew. And lest you think I have a problem with lobster, I'd just like to say that I dig it the most. Dropping a living one into a pot of boiling water and listening to it scream is sort of not my thing, but if it's served up on a plate with a vat of steaming butter, I'm all for it.
Foolio seems to hate the process of killing live lobsters for eating, even though, you know, SHE RUNS A RESTAURANT. Will's all, so, the suspense is killing me. What's the occasion? Foolio informs Will that the Plot Device Diner is actually making a profit. Will's all, after six months? Is that even POSSIBLE? Those of us out there who have seen numerous restaurants in our collective neighborhoods come and go after less than six months all answer, "FUCK NO!" But this is Alias, so we'll cut it some slack in the reality department. Francie's all, yeah, it's making a profit -- hence the lobster dinner. "Seriously, if anyone would have told me last year that I would be making this work...my own restaurant...it's just...it's just unbelievable." Yes, it is, Foolio. Then Will steps up and sheepishly says, "I guess this is a really bad time to tell you I have to quit, right? I got a job working for a travel magazine. I mean, it's not The New York Times, but I am writing for a living."
Foolio looks so completely happy when she says, "Will, that is...GENIUS!" And she smiles one of her brilliant smiles. They go back and forth about whether it's genius and how Foolio won't have a problem finding another waiter in Los Angeles and they both congratulate each other and then she launches herself at him and puts her hands on his face and kisses him. Then she pulls back, her hands still on his face, which, if we're all being honest here, is girl language for "Kiss me more, you FOOL!" And Will is certainly no fool. And he kisses her some more. And some more. And oh...
Oops Center. Syd comes stalking in, her braid slamming against her back. Vaughn meets her halfway (and, really, doesn't he always?) and hands her a stack of papers, saying, "Analysis just got done with the hard drive." Syd takes the papers and looks them over and then looks at Vaughn in that way. No, not THAT way. That way. Like there's something important in the papers! God, get your minds out of the gutter. There's plenty of time for that later.
Subbasement Of Dreams And Desires. What the? Syd, Vaughn, Jack, and KENDALL are hanging out in the SDD. Why? WHY? They can't talk about this shit upstairs? I mean, they're all on the same side, right? Like, what's wrong with the Oops Center? Were they hurting for locations or something? I don't know. I really don't. Syd's all, Kendall? We can totally destroy the Alliance NOW! Kendall's all, yeah, okay, Spy Barbie, but, uh, I suggest you don't rush an operation like this. Syd's boyfriend steps up and says something about how, as soon as the Alliance realizes that there's a breach in their system, the information they've gleaned from server forty-seven ain't gonna be valid anymore. What, Vaughn? You mean, like, THE PLANE HOLDING THE SERVER GOING DOWN IN FLAMES? Like that? God. This episode is draining my brain fluid.
For the folks out there who didn't watch the episode with Shovelhead, Kendall goes on to explain in detail about the C-4 that's buried in the subbasement of SD-6. "And probably every other SD cell! If this intel is wrong and we move on it," he says, "we're talking about the deaths of hundreds of civilians!" Jack steps up and claims that the answer's in the document. "According to the information you retrieved, each SD cell uses a code which changes weekly to operate their security systems," he says. "The current code is listed right here."
Valiant Vaughn attempts to spell it out for the idiots out there when he says, "So you're saying we need to get into SD-6 and find out what the actual code is right now?" Syd's all, totally! If it matches the one in the document, then all the rest of that crap I gathered from the plane is right on! Way to go, honey! They mentally slap hands and bellies as Kendall informs them that, if they get the code, he can go to Langley about raiding the Alliance facilities. "Do we have the current SD-6 code?" asks Vaughn, picturing in his mind the things he'll do to Syd's bod when the bombs drop on the Alliance. "No," says Jack, exhibiting his full "I am the MAN" facial expression. "But I can get it." He looks pointedly at his daughter. Heh. I just love it when Jack's all, I will HANDLE this shit, okay? BACK OFF! And then tempers it all by looking at his daughter in a really heartfelt way. God, I love Victor Garber. And not in THAT way.
Plot Device Diner. Syd, Foolio, and Will are hangin' at a table. Chairs are upended on tables around the room, so we're supposed to think that they're hanging out at the PDD after closing. Syd's sitting by herself on one side of the table, sipping a glass of red wine, while Foolio and Will blatantly advertise their recent liaison by sitting on the other side and whispering at each other as if Syd's not there. Syd watches as Will's all, was that a new sauce? Oh, and that guy at table forty-five was totally checking you out. What, not table forty-seven? Because, like, that would TOTALLY tie in with everything else in this episode. Foolio's all, he was not! Shut up! Will's all, no you shut up! Foolio's all, no you! Syd's finally can't stand it anymore and asks what in the hell is going on. Will and Foolio both look up in surprise. What? What do you mean? What? What're you talking about? I was NOT licking his neck! Shut UP! Syd's all, dudes? You're acting like you're on drugs. The really good Whitney Houston kind, okay? Foolio's all, okay, well, um, we made out. Syd's all, oh. My. God. Will's all, yeah, this is my cue to leave the table and go organize the salt shakers. Syd and Foolio just giggle at each other.
Seriously, the scene is absolutely adorable. Merrin Dungey's confession of the making out is done with the kind of "dude, I can't believe it either" delivery that all of us have at some point performed. And Jennifer Garner's "oh my god" is delivered in this kind of guttural, looking-at-my-cocktail-napkin voice that is SO hilarious. And even Bradley Cooper's bemused and embarrassed exit is dead-on. It's adorable all around.
Speaking of adorable, Batty's hanging in Sloane's office. Some old dude enters and gasps, "You called for me?" Batty says that he's been reviewing Uncle Arvin's work, and he's found an email that struck him as somewhat interesting. "Is SD-6 running a program recording keystrokes at each desktop?" Old Dude is all, yes, as a matter of fact, they are. Oh, and just in case you were wondering, some hot chick in black showed up a few minutes ago and told me to double-check all of Sloane's outgoing emails. She said it was just a matter of "protocol" or some such shit. She was hot, though. Is that important? Batty's all, yes, yes it is. Could you have a seat here and play back what Uncle Arvin was typing? Because if some hot chick in black tells you to check outgoing emails, you listen, right?
Plot Device Diner. Syd and Will exit, and Syd turns to Will. "Literally," she says, "every detail. Now." Will's all, okay, we were in the kitchen and all of a sudden, Foolio was ON MY FACE! Syd's all, okay. Okay. I can't believe this. I'm, like, in SHOCK. Will's all, good shock? Or bad shock? Like, the kind of shock you get when you put on a pair of pants and find twenty bucks in the pocket? Or the kind of shock where you come home early and find your lover in bed with another woman. And another man. And a sea lion? Syd's all, no, good shock! I mean, is this a one-time thing? Like, are you going to kiss and run? Will's all, I don't know! But you know what was really weird? It wasn't weird! Isn't that weird? As they walk down the street, Syd takes Will's arm and says, "I am going to have SO much fun with this!" And so are we, Syd. So are we.
Back at Sloane's office, Batty's watching as Old Dude click-clacks away on the keyboard. "Here we go," he gasps. "This is a playback of Arvin Sloane as he wrote the email in question." As the words appear on the screen, some sections appear and then disappear. Batty's all, wait! Hold the phone! He wrote something and then erased it! Hello! Play it back. And this time, play it back slooooow. Old Dude complies. The erased section shows up slowly, and we see "Jack and Sydney Bristow are double agents." Batty purses his lips a la Jack, and we flip off to commercial land.
Ess Dee Sex. Jack's walking down the hall. He stalks toward The Conference Room Of Endless Expositions, enters, and sits down at a terminal. He's well on his way to code-discovering when Batty enters and says, "Jack Bristow?" in a way that suggests that not only does Batty know just who in the hell Jack Bristow is, but that he's someone to destroy by slathering large amounts of petroleum jelly upon. Oh. Did I give something away there?
Jack stands up and extends his hand. Batty introduces himself. "I've been looking forward to this," says Jack. "Me as well," says Batty. And then, as their handshake comes to an end, the conference room doors ominously close behind them. Jack just looks at them, and then looks at Batty. Dun dun DUN!
Oops Center. Syd's sitting at a desk when her cell phone rings. She picks up. "Sydney," says her father, "it's me. I'm talking to [Batty] and he'd like you to come in right away. Oh, and take the surface streets. They're doing some work on the freeway." Virtuous Vaughn, who's sitting on the edge of a desk nearby, watches her intently, probably imagining her in that black lace get-up all over again. Syd hears her father's last sentence, and her chin buckles. She barely contains her emotions when she tells him that she will indeed take the surface streets. Jack hangs up the phone and turns to look at Batty, who quite frankly still looks like he could take out Harrison Ford without breaking a sweat.
Back at Oops Center, Syd spins off from the desk as Vaughn asks if her daddy got the code they need. "Syd?" he says, moving behind her. "He's compromised," pants Syd. "What?" says Vaughn. "He just said, 'Take the surface streets, they're doing some work on the freeway.'" Vaughn's all, the hell? Syd's all, okay, STUPID, it's a code we came up with last year; something to let one of us know if the other was ever discovered. You know, to warn them to stay away? GET IT? He's with Batty now, dude. HE'S WITH BATTY! Syd starts crying, covering her mouth so that everyone else around her besides her would-be boyfriend won't see her weakness. Vaughn kind of ineffectually grabs her shoulders.
Ess Dee Sex. The Long Green Hallway Of Doom. We come upon Jack in the Tiki Torture Room, doing time in the same damn chair he was in during the last episode. God-DAMN, can't this man get OUT of the torture chair? What is UP with that? When are we gonna see him doing something more useful like, I don't know, making out with Spy Mommy?
Jack's out cold. He slowly wakes up and sees Batty in front of him, pulling various things out of a medicine cabinet while wearing surgical gloves. There are so many things wrong with that statement that I don't even know where to begin. Batty steps forward with what looks like a Leatherman tool in his hand and says, "Jack. I know you are disloyal. I know your daughter is, too. Both your files, there were so many red flags, I thought I was in a Russian airport." Okay, that Russian airport quip was pretty fucking funny. I love it when J.J. directs or writes episodes. You can totally tell. He has a weird way of making non-funny shit funny.
"What I don't know," says Batty, squirting some gel-like substance onto Jack's leg and rubbing it in, "is where your loyalties lie." Yeah. Yeah, I know. He's rubbing the gel. Yeah, it's pretty gross. And here's where I think J.J. decided to kind of fuck with the Stupor Boys. Because, y'all? It's pretty damn homo-riffic. Wendy Kroy called me directly after the episode was over and was all, the HELL? "I'm gay and even THAT was a bit too gay for me!" he said, the audible sound of a Benson & Hedges exhale coming through the phone. "I'm not saying I didn't appreciate it or anything but, like, couldn't it have been, say, VAUGHN rubbing the gel into WILL'S legs? I'm just sayin'." At this point, I'm assuming, all the Stupor Boys have either passed out or left the room to go engage in more manly things like scratching their nuts or staring at pictures of Pamela Anderson.
Batty moves onto Jack's other leg with the gel. "Where are your loyalties, Jack? Who are you working for?" Jack's all, we've met before, you know? We have. And not at Circuit. Batty's all, can't really place it, dude. Were you wearing leather? Jack's all, no, but I remember Kanagawa, 1987. Batty's all, oh yeah! Were you with Nagayo? He was HOT. Jack's all, yeah! We had dinner! And you ordered the crab cakes! Batty's all, yeah! Now I remember!
But Batty's not really interested in reliving homoerotic moments of the past and quickly moves on. He's all, just tell me who you're working for, okay? And the fact that I'm placing metal bracelets around your ankles and attaching jumper cables to them will just disappear, okay? OKAY? Jack says nothing. Batty turns to a machine to him and turns a dial. Electricity spirals out of the machine into the metal bracelets. There's the sound of crackling flesh. Jack writhes in the chair, screaming.
Is this little technique supposed to elicit truth from Spy Daddy? Because, uh, where's that truth serum that Face Doneaway was waving around in front of Spy Daddy in the last episode? I mean, the whole gel + electricity = fun for all idea is great and everything but, uh, wouldn't it be a tad easier and much more expedient to just stick Jack with a little hypo of the stuff and start asking questions? Of course, the episode would probably end about twenty minutes earlier than it's supposed to, so I guess that's just not a viable option now, is it?
After we've all returned from bathing our eyeballs in acid in order to remove the vision of a slicked-up Spy Daddy twisting in the torture chair, we're treated the brain-cleansing vision of Will, talking to Syd on some random pay phone. He's all, whuh? Where? Syd, at the Oops Center, is all, who gives a shit, dude! Just get the hell outta there. Go anywhere! Go to the Dunkin' Donuts on the corner of Clark and Belmont! Hit the slopes at Sundance! JUST. GET. OUT. Grab Foolio and go make out anywhere OTHER than Hell-Lay! Will's all, whuh? Where? Who? What kind of trouble are you in? Syd's all, oh, Jesus. This again. Do I have to hold your hand EVERY time the shit goes down? Someone might be looking for me, okay? I just want you safe. "Just promise me you and [Foolio] will stay away," she breathes. "That's all I need you to do." Will promises. If by "promises" you mean "intends to promise, but is such a doofus that he'll probably fuck this up just like he fucks up everything else, and Foolio will probably wind up dead somewhere with a bullet in her forehead." Not that that's going to happen or anything. Will asks Syd if she's going to be okay. She just says, "Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Look, I gotta run. My boyfriend's coming and I want to make sure I create just enough drama so that later, when more shit comes down, he'll realize how much he loves me and then we can make with the crazy monkey love." Or she just says, "Yeah. I have to go."
Syd gets off the phone as Vaughn approaches and informs her that Kendall's on his way back. Syd's all, oh, great! Because Kendall's SO effective when it comes to doing shit OUTSIDE the law. He's not gonna do dick, dude. Vaughn's all, you don't know that! I slipped him some really decent 'shrooms earlier; at this point, he'll probably strip down to his skivvies and do the Macarena in a vat of oatmeal if I asked him to! Syd's all, oh, whatever. My dad was right. Kendall's not gonna do crap about the Alliance until he knows that info we nabbed is valid. Oh, and in case no one out there knows what I'm talking about, WE NEED TO GET THAT CODE FROM SD-6. Vaughn gets all manly on her ass and declares, "You cannot go back there!" Sigh. I love it when he's protective and shit. Melts my butter. Syd's all, yeah, I know. I GET IT, okay?
thing we know, we're hanging out near an oil field as a car approaches Syd while she's waiting by her big-ass SUV. The car stops and Dixon gets out.
Okay, now, the following scene between Syd and Dix is absolutely fantastic. Really. Best acting I've seen in a long time. Does it require recapping? Fuck, no. It's seriously a lot of back-and-forth and emotions and yelling and more exposition than you can shake a stick at. We've all seen the episode, haven't we? I mean, other than the people Down Under. I mean, basically? Syd tells Dix she's a double agent and that SD-6 has nothing to do with the CIA. Now, we all already knew that, didn't we? No matter how well acted this scene is, it's pretty much just tossed in here to explain to the Stupor Boys, if they even care, that Syd's one of the good guys and that even though he's working for the bad guys, Dixon's a goodie too. Also, in case you haven't noticed, SD-6 is EEEEEVIL. And so is the Alliance. Thus endeth the lesson.
After lots of back-and-forth ying-yang, Syd finally screams at Dixon that she needs his help because Batty's gonna spark her dad to death, and her ass is grass too if she goes back to SD-6, and if Dix has a few extra minutes in his schedule, could he maybe go back to SD-6, hack into the system, make a hidden file visible, retrieve some secret code, and shoot it over to Syd via email? She's crying. Dix is fuming. We're wondering how it's possible to love a scene while at the same time screaming at the television to "GET TO THE KISS." Syd hands Dix a piece of paper with the hacking instructions on it, and after staring at her for a good solid moment, he stomps off.
Ess Dee Sex. Dix enters in slo-mo and looks around at the other agents as if he can't believe they're all eeeevil. He sits down at his desk, glances at the piece of paper Syd gave him, and logs on to his computer. When he's logging on, the CIA logo is in the background. After he enters some special password, the screen changes and says, "Alliance Secure Network - Cell - SD-6." You know, just in case we weren't clear on the whole "SD-6 is eeeevil" thing. Dix stares at the computer screen in shock, and the dawning of realization spills across his face. Meanwhile, over at Oops Center, Spy Barbie and her GI Joes are just sitting around, staring at Syd's computer. The screen reads, "Your mailbox is empty." You know, just in case we weren't clear on that whole "Syd's waiting for Dix to figure shit out and send her the code so we can GET TO THE KISS" thing.
Back at Ess Dee Sex, Dix makes a call to his wife. They start out with the typical "what's up?" niceties, but Dix has a purpose with this call. "I was just calling...you..." he sighs heavily, emotion breaking his voice. "To tell you I love you. How much I love you." "Oh, thanks, sweetie," says Mrs. Dix. "I love you too. When will you be home?" Dix is all, uh, not sure. See, like, not only may I not have a job here in a few minutes, but I also my not have any of my limbs. So, like, we'll see. Mrs. Dix is all, okay, well, be safe! And remember to pick up some milk on the way home! Dix is all, I sure will, baby. Later!
He hangs up and stares at his computer screen. There's an email drafted to Syd with the code. He stares at it some more. At Oops Center, the kids have just started a game of cat's cradle when Syd's email dings. She opens up Dix's email and sees that the code is a match. Everyone scatters.
Seconds later, in the Oops Center's very own version of The Conference Room Of Endless Expositions, Kendall's addressing the troops. "Ladies and gentlemen, courtesy of Agent Contrivance Jones here, we managed to get our hands on a single teensy bit of information that, conveniently, will allow us to completely destroy the Alliance in a matter of minutes. I know you're all thinking, 'But wait! We've been trying to destroy the Alliance for years and years and YEARS! We can't possibly be able to just knock it down in minutes because Syd and her lingerie gathered the lamest intel known to man!' Well, people, I'm here to tell you: We can. And we will. Tomorrow morning, God willing, not only will the Alliance no longer exist, but we will have eliminated all possible impediments to the long overdue nookie that Syd and Vaughn have been fantasizing about since they first met. About fucking time, too."
As soon as all the agents change into their stylish-yet-comfortable SWAT uniforms, Kendall delivers yet another annoyingly long expository brief. Blah blah blah, surrounding the Credit Dauphine building, bling blam blooey, something about raiding all the SD offices all over the world at exactly the same time, flip flap floppy, most of the agents are desk-trained and will just stare at you like nervous rabbits but the security guys are gonna have to be gunned down like the dirty animals that they are. Now get out there and get me some dead Alliance agents!
We cut quickly to the underground parking garage at Ess Dee Sex. A bunch of sleek and sexy black SUVs squeal into the garage and stop. Vaughn jumps out of one of them and runs over to a security camera, cutting the cord. Yeah. Because there's only ONE security camera in the entire garage. "Actually," says Agent Contrivance Jones over the comlink, "there is only one camera. Much easier that way. What, you want Vaughn to run around to eighty different cameras? Oh, well, I actually would kind of enjoying watching Vaughn run around to eighty different cameras. Mmmm. Vaughn running. Humminah humminah humminah!"
Tiki Torture Room Of Terror. Batty's still performing his own version of electroshock therapy on Jack. Truth serum, dude. Works every time. Jack's all sweaty and out of it. Batty's all, dude? Your heart can't handle much more of this. Bring it with the truth thing. What's that? Oh, yeah, well, we ran out of truth serum when Face Doneaway was around. She thought it was Botox and went through almost three quarts of the shit. She's scary. Seriously, Jack. I'm worried about her. Or at least I would be worried about her if she hadn't accidentally tossed herself off a bridge in a Botox-induced haze.
Back with the Agents of Invention, they're running through the garage. They all make it into some stairwell area, and Syd opens up an elevator panel, accessing some wires behind it. Her partner in lust is over by the elevator doors, and when she pulls some wire, he pries the doors open with a crowbar, gaining access to the elevator shaft. Is it wrong that "shaft" makes me giggle like a schoolgirl on acid?
Oops Center. Kendall watches as several agents on headsets communicate with the various agent teams around the world in regard to their individual progress with all the SD cells. Ess Dee Sex. All the agents are gathered together to watch one dude blowtorch some door. Vaughn looks at Syd as if to say, "Hey. Whassup? You know we get to make out soon, right?" Syd looks back at him as if to say, "Awwww yeah."
Tiki Torture Room Of Terror. Batty's not pleased with Jack's progress in the truth department. He decides to kick it up a notch, and flips a switch on the machine. It starts humming with electricity as Jack gears himself for an untimely (and sort of slippery -- ew!) death.
Agents of Invention. They're streaming into a hallway. You know, there is a decided absence of security guards down here. Now, call me crazy but, when Shovelhead and his Fun Lovin' Criminals stormed SD-6 not too long ago, there were at least two guards, which, if you recall, I found woefully lacking in the security arena. Oh, whatever. I've said it before and I'll say it again: GET TO THE KISS.
The agents are crouched low, ready to hit the bricks. Vaughn looks over Syd's shoulder and asks if she's okay. She's all, okay? Am I okay? I haven't had sex in AGES and you wanna know if I'm okay? Dude. Just shut up and start shooting people, okay? Because the sooner we get this shit over with, the sooner Sydney starts to get some serious lovin'.
Oops Center. We make another swirling pass at all the Headsetters. Sounds like all the agents are standing by. Our Agents of Invention pull black ski masks over their faces. Yeah. Because they shouldn't have done that BEFORE THEY ENTERED THE GARAGE. Oops Center. One of the Headsetters informs Kendall that all teams are in position. Kendall just sort of nods and says, "Let's move in."
And Agents of Invention everywhere start kicking Alliance ass.
Our boys and girl take out a couple of security agents and sort of throw one innocent-looking agent against a wall. Inside the Ess Dee Sex offices, Marshall rolls his chair over to Dix and offers him some pigs in a blanket. The hell? Are we at a cocktail party here? What's , Easy Cheez on Ritz crackers? Dix isn't really interested in dough-wrapped pork products, however, so he declines, just sort of staring ahead in a shock-induced haze. Marshall blah blahs some more, again, about the pigs in a blanket and finally notices that Dixon's not really amused at his bizarro attention-getting antics. "Everything all right?" he asks.
The Agents of Invention race through the halls of the office. As they run, we check in periodically with the SD-6 crew, going about their daily business in poignant slo-mo. Finally, the two speeds collide as the Agents of Invention make their entry into the SD-6 personnel area. There are flying bullets, smoking guns, riots in the streets, dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria!
Dix and Marshall are so stunned that it takes them a few minutes to really realize what's going on. Finally, Dix wakes up and shoves Marshall to the floor and out of harm's way. More guns. More bullets. Lest we think they're not involved, we actually see Syd and Vaughn shooting. We don't see if they're killing anyone, but they're definitely firing off some serious shots. Then Syd runs through the chaos and down a hall, removing her ski mask just so we're absolutely sure it's her, and not Agent Sean, leaving the scene.
Tiki Torture Room Of Terror. Batty's still yammering on at Jack about shit. Now he's talking smack about Syd and what he could do to her, given the chance. If I weren't pretty damn sure that this scene was being played to the hilt for all the HoYay! aficionados out there, I'd absolutely believe that Batty has plans to turn Syd into his bikini slave girl or something. As it is, I think that Vaughn's actually in more danger of being turned into Batty's love slave than our darling Syd.
Just to make sure we're fully aware that some serious shit is happening upstairs, we get another shot of the bullets flying around SD-6. Then, just to make sure we're fully aware that Syd's still running down the hallway, we get another shot of, er, Syd running down the hallway. Is there kissing yet? Have they kissed? Wake me when the spit starts getting swapped...
Tiki Torture Room Of Terror. Batty. Yammering. Again. Some more. He's all, this is your last chance to tell me who you're working for, dude. Save yourself. Save your love child. Oh, and just in case you don't think I'm serious, how 'bout I rub one of these jumpers up and down on your sweaty cheek? Ew. Oh, and EW! He's about to shock the shit out of Jack with the other jumper when Syd slams her way into the room, her gun aimed right for Batty.
There's a beat as all parties assess the moment. Then Batty drops the cables and goes for his gun. Too late, bud. Syd shoots the shit out of him. Shoots. Syd. Shooting. And killing. Did you catch that? SYD KILLED SOMEONE. Right in front of us! And it was good, too! Like, it totally made sense! Killing The Sadistic Dentist Of Asian Persuasion would have made sense too, but this is good! I'm happy with this!
With Batty out of the way, Syd runs over to her father; disgusted at the overabundance of petroleum products and the stink of burned flesh, she kind of gags and goes, "Oh...my...god...Dad!" "I'm okay, sweetheart," Jack manages to gasp. "I'm okay." Hee. He called her "sweetheart." Aw. And hee. And sniffle.
Back upstairs, the shit's still raining down. We check in with the Headsetters at Oops Center as they inform Kendall of the casualties. Then we're back with Syd and Jack as she concernedly looks after him. A medic enters and gently moves her out of the way so he can start scooping Vaseline off of Jack's body.
And we're back upstairs again. I think SD-6 has been successfully taken down, because some agents are getting cuffed and the guns have stopped blaring. The Agents of Invention are being kind of rough with everyone, considering that many of them have absolutely no idea about the truth of SD-6. As he and Dix are receiving their own bad treatment, Marshall looks at Dix in shock and surprise and starts to say, "Dix --" Dixon just shakes his head as they're both tugged out of the room.
Syd enters just then and sees all of her fellow agents being carted off like criminals. Regret and resignation play across her face. She moves over to Dixon and says, "Look, this will all be over soon. I promise. Thank you." She's clearly emotional. Unfortunately, so is Dixon. But in the bad way. He glares at her and spits, "Don't. Talk. To. Me." He's carted off, leaving Syd to stew in her own pot of emotions.
Oops Center. One of the Headsetters approaches Kendall and informs him that, while details of the casualties are still sketchy, the CIA now appears to be in control of all Alliance facilities. You know what that means, don't you? Awwww yeah...
IT'S TIME FOR THE KISS!
Y'all. I seriously don't know if I can even write about this. I've already watched The Kiss about seven times now. Just The Kiss alone, mind you, not the entire episode. Every time I watch it, it just makes me all goopy inside. And I am NOT a goopy person. It's just...sigh...
Okay. So. Back at Ess Dee Ex (see what I did there?), Vaughn rips off his clothes -- I mean, "mask"! -- and surveys the damage. It's a wreck in there. Syd also looks around the room. Then Vaughn sees Syd across the room, their eyes lock in on each other, the rest of the room disappears, and Syd looks like she's going to pass out if she doesn't hold him in her arms, like, now. The looks of love and relief on both their faces are almost enough to start me bawling.
But after they make their way across the room and throw themselves into each others arms, I am well and truly lost. It's such an intense and emotional kiss that, really, there is very little comparison. I mean, come on! It's THE KISS. Sigh. Gulp. Swoon. It's the best kiss ever. BEST. KISS. EVER.
And yeah, the camera swirling around them is pretty goddamn cheesy, but it's such good cheese that I actually pulled up a cushion and some crackers and parked my ass two inches from my television in order to better enjoy the cheesy goodness.
They keep kissing. And kissing. And kissing some more. And my new best friend Agent Sean shows up and goes, "Hey, guys! I just talked to base! We did it! We kicked their asses!" And there's more kissing. Agent Sean's all, dudes? Asses? Kicking? And the kissing never stops. Agent Sean gives up trying to get their attention and leaves them to it.
As we watch them continue to kiss, we hear Sark in a voice-over saying, "It's remarkable, really." For a second, I actually wondered if he was standing on the sidelines, commenting on the kissing. But then we switch to an office somewhere and see that Sark's on the phone with a drink in hand. "Sydney leaked the intel to the CIA and the rest played out exactly as you predicted it would," he says. "So congratulations, sir. The Alliance is gone."
And then we're on a beach with Uncle Arvin. D'oh! "We shouldn't celebrate just yet," he says snidely, twirling his imaginary moustache. "As you know, there's much more work to be done." Sark's all, yeah, whatever. I just wanted you to know that phase one is complete, okay? Sloane's all, good work, son. And I do mean "son." How's your mom, by the way? Still behind bars?
Sloane goes on to tell his baby boy to move on to phase two. "And Sark?" he begins. "Yes, Dad -- I mean, 'Mr. Sloane.'" "Check in on our new asset," he says. "Make sure we're on schedule." Arvin the Abominable hangs up the phone and looks out at the water, smiling an evil little smile. Hee. I love Evil Sloane.
Hell-Lay. We hear the sound of a cell phone ringing as the camera pans around what looks to be the interior of the Plot Device Diner. Someone picks up the call and a female voice says, "Yes?" The woman turns, and it's Foolio! Or is it? We hear Sark on the other end of the line saying, "I've been asked to confirm that you are in position." Foolio, sporting a wicked black leather coat and subtle spy makeup, coldly says, "Yes. Everything's in place." She hangs up the phone, and the camera swoops into the kitchen and follows a trail of blood on the tiles until we wind up on the very dead head of Foolio.
Whuh? The hell? What the --? D'oh! That's Foolio! Which means...the other Foolio wasn't Foolio, but Fauxlio (tm Angleman)! Oh, lordy.
Foolio is dead! Long live Fauxlio!
Thank God. Maybe now they'll actually give Merrin Dungey something to do besides making bouillabaisse and annoying the hell out of everyone.