Previously on Alias: Captain Forehead almost bit the big one, AGAIN, but Syd managed to save his ass in the eleventh hour just so Colonel Chickenshit could almost not quite but then sorta kinda not really tell Syd he loved her. Then Syd dressed up like a geisha and sacrificed Detective Dancing Queen to the God of the Underworld, a.k.a. "Sark." Instead of murdering Inspector I Love The Nightlife, Sark partnered up with him instead. What're his intentions? I don't fucking know. I just know Sark's hotter than a bowl full of lava fresh out of the earth's core.
Wait. What's that sound? That's not the pulsing strains of Creedence Clearwater Revival, is it? Why, it most certainly is. As Sark peels around the corner of a cliffside road, the incongruous rasp of John Fogerty singing 'bout that bad ol' moon can be heard on the soundtrack. Are we to assume that Sark, that cooler-than-Christmas-candy scion of Derevko, Inc., is a CCR fan? Does that make ANY sense to ANYONE?
I, personally, have no problem with CCR. Their music immediately conjures up images of Kevin Kline and Tom Berenger riding through the streets of Beaufort, South Carolina in search of Chinese food as they discuss the weird sexual proposals that Tom's been getting all weekend, but, like, I don't have a particular problem with the band itself. That being said, does Sark strike you as the kind of guy who'd cruise through the hills of Los Angeles listening to a circa-mid-sixties rock band from the fucking BAYOU? I'm sorry, but I'm under the impression that Sark's more of a Prodigy man, myself. Or something so old that it's new. You know, like Sarah Vaughn or Rachmaninoff.
I'm just sayin'. The music? In this episode? Sucked donkey balls. The CCR thing set me off right from the start. Yeah. And it's not just the music. I mean, you may come across me bitching about that part near the end where the obviously-on-vacation musical director blithely allows the inclusion of "Walk On" by U2 during the final The Family That Guns Down Enemies Together Stays Together sequence, but the rest of the episode also had me doing a whole hell of a lot of "the FUCK?" Much head-scratching took place during the forty-four minutes that this show splayed across my thirteen-inch television set, people. And you'll probably suffer because of it. Just for kicks, you can keep track of how many times I include the phrases "the hell?" and "whyeeeeee?" Come on! It'll be fun!
Yeah, so anyway, Sark's speeding around listening to Looziana hippie music. Syd makes an appearance, speeding up to him in her humongous 4x4. The hell? Sark gets a zippy little Mercedes convertible with a quadraphonic Blaupunkt, and Syd gets a mom-burban car complete with kiddie seats? She can't have a fucking Infiniti or something? I mean, I know she's supposed to be in school (don't even get me started on the disappearance of the university storyline -- we'll be here all goddamn weekend) and she has a job and everything, but even my UNEMPLOYED friends have better cars than Syd! She's not forty and going to fucking PTA meetings, for god's sake. They couldn't maybe give her a Jetta? Christ, even a goddamn Honda makes more sense than a big gas-guzzler that can double as an apartment for an entire family of illegal immigrants.
No, Viggo. I don't have anything against illegal immigrants. Where in the hell do you think I got Julio? Speaking of Julio...JULIO! Bring Mommy a box of vodka gimlets and a trough of pistachios. Mommy hasn't met her quota of alcoholic bevvies today. Yes, Viggo. I'm listening to you. The plight of illegal immigrants is a terrible thing. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Could you pass me a cocktail napkin? What's that? Um, no, sweetie. We can't bring a bunch of illegal immigrants into the apartment and let them live here until they get their green cards. Because I said so. Well, that's just fine, Viggo. While you're out saving the illegal immigrants from imminent doom, why don't you make out with a few maple trees while you're at it. Because that's about as close as you're going to get to the physical act of love if you keep at it with this whole "save the world" crap.
Syd forces Sark over onto the side of the road. Considering that her behemoth of a car could probably EAT his, it's not surprising that he pulls over rather quickly. They slink over to each other and Sark's all, come to wish me luck, hot stuff? Or did you want to discuss how I might spill the beans on that whole "you conspired to kill Sloane" thing? Syd's all, save it, Sister Souljah. I'm here to remind you of the bleeding obvious: You burn me, I burn you right back. Sark regards Sydney coolly. "Sydney, I couldn't reveal to Sloane that you conspired to kill him without also revealing my involvement. Of course, I never had any intention of going through with it. I simply needed to gain his trust." Okay, how good is David Anders at that Brit accent? The guy's from OREGON, people! But his accent is FLAWLESS. And his eyes are pretty. And he has extremely lickable lips. Sigh. I miss my ex-boyfriend Sark. I miss him so very much. What'd I do with those plaid boxers he left behind...
Syd just sneers at him. "You know what I think? You're just a dog. Looking for a new master." Sark doesn't even react. "No need to worry, Sydney," he smirks, "we're colleagues now." He gives her this rather sweet smile that pretty much says, "I am SO your brother, and because I'm younger and hotter than you, Mom likes me best." Syd starts to walk away, having spent far too much time and energy in order to simply say what amounts to "I am rubber, you are glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you" to her sniveling snit of a baby bro. Sarkie just laconically watches her go and cheerily calls, "See you at the office!" Syd is NOT amused.
Subbasement Of Dreams And Desires -- Except Without The Pseudo-Sexual Vibe Because It's Only Spy Daddy And Spy Barbie Down Here Right Now. Pops and Princess are discussing Sloane and Sarkie's little "agreement." Syd's all, okay, there is NO way that Sloane would team up with that little blonde pisher if there weren't something in it for him. Do YOU have any clue what he's after? Jack's all, well, this is SARK we're talking about here. For all we know, he could be offering to procure the entire Swedish women's ski team for use as Sloane's personal sex slaves. "What concerns me more," says Jack, "is that your mother knew we were double agents before she turned herself in. She may have told Sark." Uh-oh. Syd says she'll find out whether Irina spilled it or not. "Before you do," he warns, "consider this -- two months ago she surrendered to the CIA. Yesterday, Sark made a backdoor agreement with Sloane that places him inside SD-6. Do you believe that's just a coincidence?" Syd just looks at her father and makes a mental note to brush her teeth before the time she sees Vaughn, just in case he manages to pull his head out of his ass and lay one on her.
Conference Room Of Endless Expositions. Agent All I Wanna Do Is Have Some Fun is addressing the troops about the whole "Sark surrenders" scenario. "As you know, Mr. Sark surrendered to us last week. After an extensive debriefing with McCullough, we've concluded he can provide us with credible intel. Enough, in fact, to warrant an immunity deal in exchange for his cooperation." Dixon speaks up and is relatively passionate and indignant about the merging of Sloane and Sark. Dixon's all, dude? He murdered hundreds of people for profit. Hooking up with him CAN'T be a good idea. Aw. It's so cute how Dixon doesn't think Sloane murders people for profit. Syd pipes up that she agrees with Dixon. General Goodbye Yellow Brick Road is all, yeah, well, I don't really CARE if you agree with Dixon, okay? We've got a plan in place to address your stupid-ass concerns. Spy Daddy then explains the Sark Non-Sneak Insurance Program. Basically, none of Sark's contacts will be informed that Sark's turned himself in. So, starting right this minute, whenever Sarkie leaves the premises, he'll be accompanied by a security section team that will double as his private detail, in order to ensure that ol' Sarkie Boy doesn't violate his agreement with SD-6.
At that particular moment, Inspector Dingus enters and splutters about how sorry he is that he's late. Sloane introduces Inspector Dingus to Sark, and Dingus looks directly at him and says, "Hi. Welcome. Don't kill me." Okay. I laughed out loud when he said that. In fact, I laughed out loud so hard that I choked on a blue-cheese-stuffed olive I had been sucking out of the bottom of my martini, and Julio had to give me the Heimlich. This, of course, was the precise moment when Viggo decided to enter the room and suggest we order in from the Swedish Smorgasbord up on Western Avenue, and he stupidly mistook Julio's life-saving technique as, well, something else, and he picked up Julio by the ears and flung him over his shoulder while I hacked up my mangled olive. Luckily, Julio landed smack-dab in the middle of our king-sized plaid shag-covered bean bag. Oh, well. Boys will be boys, I suppose.
Anyway, after entreating Sarkie to spare his life, Dingus rushes to take his seat before Sark pulls out a bullwhip and starts going all Indiana Jones on his ass. While Jennifer Garner and the rest of the group submerge their guffaws beneath stony exteriors, Sark gibbers something about how he understands that none of them have any reason to believe a word he says, but, like, really, it's not in his best interests to betray them. "You've given me the opportunity of a lifetime and I don't intend to squander it." There's not a single person in the room who buys this for one second.
Mama Hari's Den Of Daughterly Deceptions. Syd's filling her mommy in on the Sloane/Sark arrangement. Then she's all, hey, by the way, did you ever tell Sark that I was a double agent? Mama Hari's all, Sydney, baby, no way! But she says it with this look on her face that is SO earnest that you just KNOW she sold Syd out to Sark for the price of a bag of Munchos. They stare at each other for a minute before Syd says something about how she's grateful to her mother for saving Vaughn's life. Mama Hari looks really self-satisfied when Syd says this, like it was HER who was getting dowsed with flesh-melting chemicals in some Estonian storage facility and not SYD.
Syd's all, yeah, so, real glad you saved my boyfriend, but, like, that doesn't mean I trust you yet. Mama Hari's all, yeah, yeah, yeah. What-EVER. You don't trust me, and yet, HERE YOU ARE. After some more peach-flavored smirking from Mama Hari, she asks Syd what intelligence Sark's provided Sloane with.
Flashback Of Somewhat Significant Scuttlebutt. We're back with the troops in Exposition Land as Detective Do That To Me One More Time tells everyone that the guy they're looking at on the screen is someone named "Sokolov," one of Sark's nefarious contacts. Sokolov is a freelance mercenary who has frequently offered Sark the chance to purchase intelligence before he brings it to the black market. Man. I bet you make a lot more money as a freelance mercenary than you do as a freelance copywriter. I should look into that.
Sark's all, yeah, so, recently, Sokolov asked me if I'd be interested in picking up a little set of communication codes used by Uzbekistan's ground forces along the border. Sloane interrupts with, "If we don't obtain those codes, Sokolov will sell them to extremist rebels hiding in neighboring Tajikistan. With those codes, they can track Uzbek troop movements and plan terrorist attacks. This would gravely destabilize our allies in Asia." Yeah. I'm pretty fucking grateful for closed captioning right about now. First Mate Funkytown finishes his dissertation with the announcement that Syd and Dix will make contact with Sokolov while posing as Sark's associates. Then they'll purchase the codes and bring them to SD-6.
Return to Mama Hari's Den Of Daughterly Deceptions, The Sequel. Syd (and all the rest of us) knows damn well that Sloane could give two shits about peace in Asia. So the real question is, why in the HELL does he want those codes? Instead of providing Sydney with the illumination she seeks, Mama Hari quite blithely requests that Syd convince her superiors to let Mama Hari out of lock-up for forty-eight hours. Syd's all, oh, is that all? Sure. No problem. Lemme just get Kendall on the line here and ask him IF YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND! Mama Hari's all, hey, I'll agree to a Special Forces escort. Syd's all, uh, that's real special of you. LIKE I CARE. Why do you need to leave here? Mama Hari's all, can't tell ya. Syd's all, okay, uh, then where are you going? Mama Hari's all, uh, can't tell ya that either. Listen, you have to trust me, okay? Syd's all, WHAT'RE THE CODES FOR, DUDE? Mama Hari's all, I'm trying to help you, honey. Syd's all, cut me some slack with this one, dude! Mama Hari's all, LOOK, I'LL HELP YOU BUT I HAVE TO DO IT IN MY OWN WAY. Syd's all, yeah? Well, your way SUCKS. Then, SLAM! Irina balls-out hits the shit out of the partition glass, stunning Syd with her ferociousness. Actually, she scared the hell out of me as well. I mean, she's a little woman and that partition is unbreakable, but still...I jumped about three feet in the air when her fist hit that glass. Using her angry "I'm your mother and you better keep your mouth shut before I send you to bed without dessert" voice, Irina tells Syd, "I cannot give you details because I don't trust the CIA. They almost had me executed two weeks ago. The only way for me to maintain my value is to tell you only what you need to know in order to stay ahead of Sloane. And all you need to know now is that if I'm not allowed to leave, everything you've worked to accomplish will be lost." Syd's expression moves from sheer surprise to sheer annoyance by the end of Irina's speech.
Kommandant Kendall's Koop Of Kookiness. Syd's obviously requested a leave of absence for her mother. Kendall's all, uh, yeah, because THAT'S gonna happen. You wanna maybe tell me WHY? Syd and Kendall aren't alone; Jack's perched lightly on the corner of a desk, and Vaughn's parked nearby with his arms folded and his forehead furrowed. Syd's doing her best to convince Kendall to honor her mother's request. Syd's all, uh, can't tell ya why she wants to leave 'cause, uh, she won't tell me, dude. Kendall's all, gibberty-gibberty, something about Sloane and the codes. Syd's all, look, my mom's worried about something. Something we know nothing about. Vaughn gets his girlfriend's back and says something about Irina's intel being right one hundred percent of the time. Kendall looks over at Jack without saying anything. Syd blathers that the CIA didn't catch Irina; she turned herself in. And HOW does that help, exactly? She blithers something about how Irina's gamely agreed to a special forces escort and a tracking device. How nice of her. She's being awfully accommodating for A MURDERING SOCIOPATH. Kendall's totally not buying it. He turns to Spy Daddy. "Jack," he practically whispers. "You've been awfully quiet." Jack's all, yeah, well, when it comes to Irina, my judgment isn't exactly unimpaired, ya know. Kendall's all, yeah, no shit, shyster. But I'd still like to know what ya think. Jack kind of sighs and says, "Perhaps they're right. Perhaps releasing her is worth the risk to satisfy our curiosity." Kendall rolls his eyes heavenward and goes, "Well, hell, when you put it that way, the answer's definitely no! If Irina Derevko wants out of here, she's going to have to tell us more. Otherwise, you're to proceed as planned. Agent Vaughn will give you your counter-mission."
Kendall walks off, and Syd turns to her father. "Thanks," she says, initially in a tone that suggests that she really is thanking him. Her tone quickly changes, however. "You told Kendall your judgment wasn't to be trusted and then agreed with me to reinforce his doubt." Jack sneers something at her about how Kendall's ego makes it impossible for him to favor decisions that don't involve the overruling of others. "You argue your way," he spits, "I'll argue mine." His point made, he walks off.
Vaughn takes this moment to step up and inform Syd of her counter-mission. Basically, Syd's just supposed to dead-drop a copy of the codes when she gets back from Uzbekistan so that the CIA can figure out what they're really for. Syd nods and smiles, and then looks like she wants to say something dear and sweet and tender to him but instead just says, "I have to go pack," and walks off. Vaughn looks after her wistfully. Really, is there ANY other way Vaughn looks after Sydney nowadays?
Sneaky Sons-o-Bitches Central. Sarkie's watching a monitor that shows some of the SD-6 agents walking around. He makes some snarky comment about how impressive the operation is while at the same time it's so pathetic that the majority of the agents think they work for the CIA. Captain Can't Get Enough Of Your Love puts an end to Sark's rather inclusive "we're cooler than them" speech-making by saying, "Look at me. You've offered me a substantial prize to make our partnership worthwhile, but do not think for a second that gives you the right to insult my people." Ooooh. Wow. Monsignor Macho Macho Man can put the smackdown on someone who's as super-cool as Sark, even though Sloane himself would sacrifice any last one of his own SD-6 agents if it meant furthering his own bloody career.
Properly chastised, Sark apologizes. As the cool blue tones of the scene wash over Sark, he sees Syd on a monitor and mentions to Sloane that he had a run-in with Syd this morning, and that she may suspect that Sark didn't really turn himself in. What kind of game is Sark playing with Sloane? I mean, we know that Syd knows that Sark didn't really turn himself in. What's he pulling here? Officer Only The Lonely assures Sark that, since he's known Sydney since she was born, she'll believe anything he tells her. Ew. That shit ain't right. Sark responds that, even if Syd's covered, Jack still might be a concern. "So, for the time being," he says, "I wouldn't tell him what those codes are really for." I can't really tell if Sark is under the impression that Jack doesn't know what SD-6 really is, or if he's fully aware of Jack's double-agent status and therefore is just playing to the cheap seats. David Anders is so very subtle in these scenes. It would have been very easy for him to step into Cigarette Smoking Man's well-ashed shoes and be oozing evil and bad intentions, but it's so much better this way, with him being so dangerously likeable and smooth.
Sloane's phone rings, and he picks up. The operator informs him that there's a call for him that was routed through Credit Dauphine. Sloane's all, take a message, dumb-ass! What do we pay you for? The operator's all, uh, simmer down, Detective Don't Dream It's Over! The guy on the line says it's about your not-quite-dead-yet wife, okay? General Get It On (Bang A Gong) goes completely white, dismisses Sark, and orders the operator to put the call through and record it.
Brigadier Breakout says hello, and a distorted voice comes on the line and says, "We have your wife, and, yes, she's alive. You will provide us with the account numbers for all SD-6's investments or the Alliance will be informed that you failed to carry out her execution." Ron Rifkin doesn't blink ONCE during this call. Or if he does, it's so quick that I miss it. He's like a desert lizard, dudes. "Offer me proof that she's alive," he spits. "Until then, know this: as soon as I hang up the phone I will use every available resource to find out who I'm talking to and when I do, it will be my sincere pleasure to make your acquaintance." Man. Ron Rifkin can be seriously scary when he puts his mind to it. After he delivers this speech, he looks like he's about to open his mouth, insert the mouthpiece, clamp down, rip it off, and start chewing like it's a veal bone or something.
Uzbekistan. Land Of Crude Oil, The Great Silk Road, And Savory Shashlik. Oh, and I forgot to mention the opium. No, not the opium I'm smoking right now. The opium that everyone on the TV is smoking right now. Yeah, opium. Opiummmmm...
Ahem. So, we're hanging out in an opium den. Dix and Syd are paying a visit to Sokolov, who looks remarkably like this guy that used to date my friend Kathy in college. I know it's not him, however, because there's not a half-empty Schlitz in his left hand and a Marlboro in his right, and he's not shouting, "Yo! Kathy! What'd you do with my weed?"
Sokolov's insulted that Sark didn't pay a visit himself. Dix assures him that he'll pass that message on. Syd, meanwhile, just sits there looking vaguely Cleopatra-esque, what with her kohl-lined eyes and razor-sharp hair. Sokolov treats himself to a nice hefty hit on the hookah, and Syd tries to speed up the process by reminding Sokolov that they're on a schedule. "Do you have the codes?" she asks. "Do you have the money?" he counters. Dix slaps a briefcase onto the table. Sokolov opens it, checks out the cash, closes it, and places it beside his chair. Then he picks up a different case and plops it on the table. Dixon reaches for it. "Wait!" Sokolov snaps. "The codes are on a computer in this case. The case, before I stole it, belonged to a colonel in the Uzbek army. What I didn't realize when I made the offer to Sark is that without the colonel's fingerprint, the case cannot be opened without detonating a self-destruct mechanism inside. Boom!" He grins.
Syd is so NOT amused. "Are you telling me you can't deliver what you've promised us?" Sokolov's all, dude. Do you think I'd make you come all this way without a solution to the problem and a mighty fine tug on my poppy pipe? Syd and Dix are unwisely uninterested in the poppy pipe, but the solution intrigues them. Sokolov tells them that he's arranged for the colonel to be someplace tonight where they can get his prints. Dix is all, uh, and how'd you manage that, Frank Booth? Sokolov smirks. "I had him assassinated." He winks at them and takes another drag. Now it's Dixon who is NOT amused.
Oh, for god's sake. How hard would it have been for the damn briefcase to have been a simple cash exchange? I mean, really. Would it have killed the writers to come up with a scene involving Syd and Dix picking up a suitcase and handing over a box o' cash? I realize this is a two-parter but, like, do they have to fill every last second with outrageous storylines as an excuse to create action sequences that last no more than thirty seconds and do nothing to further the overall arc of the show? I'm just askin'.
So anyway, here's where we embark upon something I've come to call "The Truly Useless Scene That Has No Purpose Other Than To Show, Yet Again, How Much Ass Sydney Can Kick." Seriously. This entire scene is totally fucking stupid. I'll do my best to give you a general rundown as much as I can, but I'm not promising that I won't yell "THE HELL?" at the top of my lungs after every other sentence.
Dix and Sokolov enter what looks like an army installation. They're pushing a gurney with a body bag on it. They both say something to the attending guards in some language I can't be bothered to identify. Okay. I'm not a racist, people. I'm just not. I grew up with a borderline racist father, and my liberal ass managed to turn him from a "there goes the neighborhood" bitch-and-moaner to an avowed "there's no reason in this world not to treat everyone as equals" podium-thumper. That being said -- Dixon? Posing as an Uzbekistan soldier? Dudes. That SO wouldn't fly. I'm honestly not sure if there are any minorities within the borders of Uzbekistan, but even if there are, I'm pretty damn sure they wouldn't be serving in any type of armed forces. You think WE'RE still backwards as a racially-aware society? Take a trip down Uzbekistan Lane some day, my friends. You can learn WORLDS about a place in the CIA World Factbook.
Anyway, Dixon leans over and unzips the body bag. It's Syd, done up like she's been shot in the head. One guard takes Dead Syd away as Dixon gets the other guard to sign a paper. Before he leaves, Dix slaps something onto the top of a computer that's sitting on the desk. Dix and Sokolov leave, and once outside, they jump into a military truck and drive off. Where'd they get all the military stuff? Wasn't this whole "colonel" thing a snag in the plan? Did Sokolov come prepared with all this shit? For an opium addict, he sure does think clearly.
Dixon parks the truck in some alley somewhere, and both he and Sokolov climb into the back of the truck. Dix fires up his laptop, and Sokolov asks if he's in yet. Dix is all, uh, yeah, dude. I'm totally in. BECAUSE UZBEKISTAN SPY CHIPS ARE TOP QUALITY. I'm thinking that, because that piece of shit chip you gave me is what we're using to tap into the computer system, that answer would be a NO.
Inside the morgue, Guard Number One diddles and dawdles around, attempting to make us tense with the knowledge that Dead Syd's in that body bag without any air. It's not working. Primarily because it's only fifteen minutes into the damn episode so, like, we know she's not going to "die" yet. Finally, Guard Number One leaves, and Syd bursts out of the body bag, dramatically gasping for air. Syd tells Dix that she's in, and he says that he's in too. Glad they're both in. Dix asks Sokolov what the name of the colonel is. Sokolov tells him that it's "Vasili Kabilov." Dix locates the name in the computer and comes up with the ID tag. Syd starts scooting around the morgue in search of ID tag C16.
Back out at the guard's station, Guard Number One meanders up, only to be chastised by Guard Number Two for not bringing Dead Syd's paperwork out with him. Yes. We can understand them. Because, for some reason, their lines are translated. I'm curious as to why these lines are translated, but Dix and Sokolov's lines weren't. I mean, it takes just as much time to look up four lines on the Alta Vista translator as it does to look up six, ya know? As long as you're plugging shit in, you might as well...oh, forget it. Moving on.
Guard Number One heads back to the morgue as Syd scrambles around in search of the dead colonel. "Tension" mounts as the guard slowly walks toward the morgue. "Tension" continues mounting and starts panting and wagging its tail as Syd finds the body of the colonel and whips out a special device that will read his fingerprint. "Tension" runs around in circles chasing its tail as Syd has trouble with the determinedly stiff hand and Guard Number One still slowly makes his way to the morgue. "Tension" rolls over with its feet in the air and begs you to rub its tummy as Syd breathes deeply and forcibly bends the dead man's hand back with a resounding CRACK!
"Tension" grabs the edge of a tea towel and starts shaking it back and forth while growling as Guard Number One enters the morgue and Syd scans the fingerprint. "Tension," after a hearty snack of Milk-Bones and some water, scampers up onto the sofa where it knows it's not allowed as Guard Number One realizes that Dead Syd is so NOT Dead Syd. He pulls his gun as Syd hides behind the freezer door and "Tension" starts howling along to a Dave Matthews video on VH-1.
After a commercial break during which "Tension" makes a no-no on the living room carpet and slinks off to a corner whimpering, we return to Syd waiting and guards stalking. Seriously, that's it. Of course, they find her, and ass-kicking ensues. It's all Jennifer Garner, however, so that's pretty cool. But the entire scene leading up to the ass-kicking was more boring than watching paint dry on the back of a dead cockroach.
Thankfully, the scene's over and Syd's moved on to dressing up as one of the guards instead of dressing down one of the guards. She speed-walks through the halls, ordering some wandering Uzbekistan MPs to go look in the morgue as she passes them, and then makes her way outside. Dix screeches up in the truck, guns pulled, and Syd shrieks at him that it's her! It's her! Don't shoot! He yells at her to get in, and they squeal off.
Hell-Lay. Parking Garage Of Potential Boyfriends And The Men Who Wish They'd Disappear. Will's telling Vaughn that he knows all about Project Christmas. "I know," he says. "Sydney told me about Project Christmas, about how it was developed to identify future spies and now you're worried because you think the Russians might have used it to recruit American children back in the eighties?" Vaughn's all, yeah, uh, about that...Will's all, yeah, so, the thing is, I think there's totally something to this! Vaughn's all, I'm gonna have to fire y-- what? You do? You think there's something to it? Do tell! Will goes on to tell Vaughn about the KGB questions he found integrated into the 1982 standardized tests and how five million kids took the test. Vaughn's totally interested in what Will's discovered, but unfortunately, Devlin's pulled the plug on the research. Sounds to me like a little CIA-sanctioned cover-up action. True to form, Will's more bothered by the fact that there's some validity to his research than he is by the fact that he won't be MAKING ANY MORE MONEY. He's all, dude! Wait! There's something to this thing, Vaughn! Okay, look, I'll narrow down the test scores a small group of kids, okay? Devlin won't be able to ignore that, right? Vaughn's all, look, that's real nice of you, kid, but Devlin thinks you're a security risk because you were a journalist. Will's all, okay, fine. Whatever. Vaughn hands Will an envelope with seven hundred bucks in it. Will's all, dude, I didn't work that many hours. Vaughn's all, yeah, well, dude, I told you to take your time. Take the money. You've earned it. Worried that the extra moolah might require him to do something he's truly uncomfortable with, LIKE SPEND IT ON A NEW DENON RECEIVER, Will actually gives the excess back to Vaughn. Pussy. He got his ASS kicked all over the place in Taipei, and now he's bickering over a few extra hundred bucks because he has a MORAL BACKBONE? What-fucking-ever.
Center For Ovaries That Sing And The Sisters Who Do It For Themselves. Syd's hanging out cross-legged on her bed, paging through shit that doesn't matter, as The Guitar Of Girls Who Can't Find Their G-Spots plays in the background. Will walks in and pulls a "hey." Syd's all, hey (I'm going to look down at my bed as if my dog just died, but you can just ignore me). Will's all, what's wrong? Syd's all, nothing (look how my hair kind of swings down sadly in front of my face...don't I look depressed?). Will's all, dude? You're a fucking SPY and you can't lie better than that? The hell? If I'd just freaking MET you I'd know something was wrong. Spill. She looks like she's about to pop, so he walks in and sits down on her bed. The phone rings in the other room, thereby guaranteeing a full five minutes without Foolio showing up and spewing some inane comment about turkey burgers or salt shakers. Syd asks Will if he remembers Mr. Sark. Will's all, uh, remember? Gee. Lemme think about that. You mean the guy who SHOT ME WITH A FUCKING TRANQUILIZER GUN AND HAD ME TORTURED IN TAIPEI? No. Doesn't ring a bell. "Mr. Sark," you say? Hmmm. Nope. Syd's all, well, he's working with SD-6, and unfortunately I can't tell you anything more than that. Will's all, uh, you've seen him? You're working with him? Syd's all, well, yeah. Duh. I have to make him think I am, ya know? Will's all, that little British cocky son of a bitch is in L.A.? Hee. I just love it when Will gets all manly and forceful and indignant. With his scruffy beard and his flashing green-blue eyes, he looks hotter than hot.
Foolio finally fulfills her daily quota of annoying behavior and appears in Syd's doorway in order to ask if Syd would prefer a Swedish or shiatsu massage when they have their spa day. Syd's all, oooh, so sorry, sweetie. No can do. I'd rather have some genital warts removed -- I mean, I HAVE to have some genital warts removed. Can I take a rain check on the massage? I sure could use it! Foolio's all, yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. It's not like this is the FIRST time you've cancelled on my ass.
Foolio leaves, and Will whips back around to Syd. "Okay, I want to kill that Sark guy," he snaps. Hee. He's so boffo! Syd's all, yeah, tell me something I don't know, pumpkin. Will's all, no, really, I MEAN IT. This is gonna drive me INSANE, dude. Syd's all, well, don't ask, don't tell, sister. You WANTED to know what was wrong. Will's all, yeah, I know, but I didn't think it was going to involve that skinny little monkey boy. Syd's all, yeah, well, Sark's tried to cash in my ticket too, ya know? Will's all, yeah, but at least YOU get to DO something about it. Syd's all, well, what about your work with Vaughn? Will's all, oh, well, THAT. Your would-be boyfriend FIRED my ass, sister. Thanks for NOTHIN'.
Subbasement Of Dreams And Desires -- This Time WITH The Pseudo-Sexual Vibe Because It's Vaughn And Syd, Alone At Last. And welcome to The Weird Watch Scene, kids. It's been discussed on the boards, but now it's here for real! Right in this recap! Enjoy!
Syd's all, the CIA is just gonna ignore everything that Will discovered? Vaughn's like, "Actually, when Devlin heard that five million American first graders took a standardized test that may have been doctored by the KGB, he sent Will's research to the FBI." Wait. Hold the phone. Will was AHEAD of the FBI? I mean, Will provided intel to the fucking FBI and Devlin had Vaughn FIRE HIS ASS? The hell? Whyeeeee?
And could I get another "whyeeeee" for Syd's tightly pulled-back hair? I have nothing against sticky-outy ears but, like, keep 'em under wraps, kids. Jennifer Garner's a lovely young woman. There's no need to have her naked ears out there for birds to mistake as branches. A girl could get hurt that way. And I'm absolutely certain that Jennifer Garner's ears don't actually stick out that far. It's just, with her hair pulled back so hard that her eyebrows look like they're about to snap like rubber bands, her ears have no choice but to spring forward in an effort to lend even a LITTLE relaxation to the rest of her head. Seriously. Sydney could rightfully be mistaken as a member of the Royal Family with a pair of ears like those.
Anyway, Vaughn says he wishes he could do more for Will 'cause he likes him. "He's a good guy." Syd says thanks and starts to go. Vaughn stops her. He looks earnestly at her for a moment and then, removing his silver watch, says, "This watch belonged to my father. It's broken now, but it used to keep perfect time. And when he gave it to me, he said, 'You can set your heart by this watch.' It stopped October 1st -- the day we met." Syd's eyes glow with recognition, and she's about to say something along the lines of, "You know I love you, right? RIGHT?" when both of their beepers go off at the same time. Vaughn looks down at his pager. "Kendall," he says sadly. Syd pauses, and they both look at each other. She kind of swings her head off to the right and turns back to Vaughn. "Me too," she says with a sad smile. They both kind of nod at each other, knowing what they've just declared.
Okay. There was some speculation on the boards as to whether or not Syd's "me too" was in relation to Vaughn's somewhat spy-garbled declaration of love or the fact that it was Kendall on her beeper as well. I'd have to say, after watching the scene for the fourth time, that Syd was responding to Vaughn's declaration. The way she tossed her head to the side, sort of indicating that she wasn't quite sure she should say anything or just gloss over it, the way she looked at him when she said it, it's my final opinion that Syd lurves Vaughn and Vaughn lurves Syd and they lurve each other and now they know it even though they're not going to do anything about it because, apparently, they're both under the mistaken impression that they're making their way through a fucking Jane Austen novel.
Kommandant Kendall's Korner Of Klowns. Syd and Vaughn, obviously having straightened their clothes, tucked in their shirts, and removed any traces of lipstick, approach Kendall. Spy Daddy turns to them and is all, yeah, those codes you nabbed? They have fuck-all to do with troop communications, baby. Syd's all, okay then -- what in the hell are they for? Kendall steps up. "They're the control codes for six portable nuclear warheads that the Uzbeks have admitted and defense intelligence has confirmed went missing six months ago." Syd's like, uh, okay, lemme get this straight -- SD-6 HAS SIX NUCLEAR WEAPONS UNDER ITS CONTROL? Jack's all, nope. Your stinky little brother sent the codes electronically to some unknown third party this morning, and we couldn't trace the link. "Why did Sloane keep you in the dark about this?" Kendall asks. Spy Daddy just shrugs all, I dunno. Probably because I dug up the corpse of his dead wife and I'm toying with his fragile sanity just for kicks. But that's just a guess on my part. Syd's all, this is what Mommy was talking about! See? We shoulda listened to her! Spy Daddy just glares at her while Kendall froths, "Well, if she was so concerned about helping us stay ahead of SD-6, she could have told us what was at stake." Syd glares at Kendall. Kendall glares at Syd. Vaughn glares at Kendall. Jack glares at his shoes and wonders if anyone can see the graveyard dirt on his shiny Cole Haans.
Mama Hari's Barrio Of Blistering Biceps. The Four Spysketeers are stacked outside Irina's glass in a diamond formation; Kendall's obviously just repeated his inspiring speech for Irina's benefit. Irina's all, yeah, and? What would you have done, huh? Given Syd false codes for here to hand over to Sark and Sloane? Yeah, because that would have worked. Because they're THAT STUPID. "Sark may have known the difference and she would have been exposed as a double agent," Irina purrs. "I wasn't willing to risk her life that way."
Kendall and Irina launch into a catfight that goes a little something like this:
Kendall: Okay, so, enough chit-chat. Do you know where the nukes are?
Irina: [simpering] Yeah. Not like I'm gonna tell YOU that.
Kendall: How very mature of you. Where the FUCK are they?
Irina: La-la-la-la-la.
Kendall: IRINA!
Irina: [petulant Eddie-Izzard-as-England-hiding-countries-behind-back tone] Whuh?
Kendall: Oh, boy. If there weren't this glass between us...
Irina: Ya know, I haven't been sleeping very well.
Kendall: Like I care. Your point?
Irina: My point is that this galvanized steel TROUGH I've been napping in isn't really doing my back any favors. I'd like a set of pink flannel Powerpuff Girls sheets and an imperial goose-down pillow in a hypo-allergenic case, if you please.
Kendall: Fine. Whatever. Want some fluffy bunny slippers to go along with that?
Irina: Oooh! Bunny slippers! Yes! Thanks!
Kendall: Done. Now. Spill.
Irina: Spill what?
Kendall: Don't "what" me, you dirty bitch. The warheads? SPEAK.
Irina: [smacking gum] Mm. Yeah. Okay. So, the warheads are in Kashmir, okay? Wherever THAT is. They're in some kinda maximum security prison camp or somethin'. Now it's a stronghold for Prince and the Revolution or somethin'. [smack]
Kendall: Uh, do you mean the People's Revolutionary Front?
Irina: [blows bubble] Yeah, yeah. Whatever. [pops bubble]
Kendall: So Sarkie and Sloaney have partnered with the PRF?
Irina: [sighs heavily, rolls eyes, cracks knuckles] I guess.
Kendall: Can you give us the camp's coordinates?
Irina: Can you hammer a six-inch nail into a board with your penis?
Kendall: What?
Irina: Girl's gotta have her standards.
Kendall turns to the Spysketeers: "I'm going to recommend to the Defense Department an immediate air strike. When the smoke clears we can dig the warheads out of the rubble." Irina simpers, "I wouldn't do that. Now that the PRF has the control codes, they may have set the warheads to detonate in the event of sabotage or a preemptive strike." Oh, wow. The way Lena Olin says "sabotage" is quite unlike the way any human being should EVER say "sabotage." Seriously. She turns the word into something almost sexual. How does she DO that?
Vaughn's all, what if we send in a commando unit? Irina's all, yeah, that would be a great idea. If, you know, they were familiar with the facility. Syd's all, that's what you were planning on doing, wasn't it? Irina looks at her daughter with glittering eyes. "Yes," she says simply. Spy Daddy's all, that's impossible to verify. Syd just looks at him like, okay, you know what? Drop it with the jealous routine already. If I've asked you once, I've asked you A THOUSAND TIMES, get a different act, Jerry Lewis. Because this shit ain't flying with me anymore.
Kendall's all, all righty then. You're leading us into the facility, bitch. Irina's all, oh no I'm not, you governmental goofball. My offer expired the exact moment that SD-6 got the codes. Kendall's all, may I remind you that your immunity, such as it is, is contingent upon your continued cooperation? "I have cooperated, Agent Kendall," Irina spits, looking like she could actually shoot sharp objects out of her eyeballs. "You didn't listen. Now, if you'd bring me my pillow and blanket..." Kendall's all, no YOU listen, you sexy little scorpion -- at this point, Kendall and Irina are ready to either enter into a rather savory batch of sumo wrestling or a particularly unsavory session of naked skin Olympics. And, before you even say it, EW!
Before they can do anything, however, Syd breaks in and requests an audience alone with her mother. Everyone leaves, including Jack. But only after he snaps a few Pursed Lips Specials Sydney's way. After they leave, Irina starts to apologize, but Syd cuts her off saying, "You said you didn't tell us the truth because you were trying to protect me, because you didn't want to risk Sark finding out that I was a double agent. The thing is, someone now has the ability to detonate six nuclear weapons and I am responsible. So I am going to be part of the team that finds and disarms those warheads no matter what you do. But if you were telling the truth when you said you wanted to protect me, then, Mom...I need your help." Spy Mommy tears up at this plea, and she's either a very good actress or she actually DOES care about Sydney.
Ops Center Of Double Agents And The Fucked-Up Familial Relations That Plague Them. Syd's searching for naked pictures of Michael Vartan on the internet as Jack walks up and starts bitching at her about convincing her mother to go to Kashmir. Syd's all, yeah, I told her that if she didn't lead the team to the warheads, I would. "I handed those codes to SD-6," whines Syd, obviously plagued with guilt at possibly having handed dangerous weapons to a couple of seriously dangerous dudes. Jack's all, let it go, honey. You were just doing your job. Syd's all, don't even try it, Dad. I'm going and there's nothing you can do about it. Jack's all, there is NO way in HELL I'm going to let Irina Derevko near six nuclear weapons supervised by no one other than YOU. "Plane leaves in an hour," challenges Syd. And I swear to god, she looks JUST like Victor Garber when she says this. Maybe it's because she has her hair pulled back and therefore her ears are all sticky-outy like his, but her facial expression is EXACTLY like his -- stubborn, resolute and not about to take any crap off ANYONE.
A buzzer sounds, and we're watching Jack clip into Irina's cell with a small box. She turns with the speed of a drugged cobra and looks at his back as he bends over the box. He pulls out a necklace and says, "Obviously you can't maintain your cover if you're shackled. So there are two things you need to know about this necklace. One, it's layered with C-4. If you remove it while it's armed, you'll break the circuit and it will detonate. And two, if at any moment I believe you're attempting to escape or sabotage us, I'll activate this remote trigger... " He pulls back the sleeve of his jacket and shows her his watch. "...and blow your head off myself." Hee. He's all serious and grim and they are SO hot for each other.
The proximity of Victor Garber and Lena Olin is almost too much for me to take in this scene. They literally burn up the screen. Jack finishes his little necklace speech, and Mama Hari wordlessly pulls her heavy hair off her neck. Jack steps forward and fastens the necklace around her neck as she just looks at him. After he fastens it, thereby arming the device, he slowly pulls back, and it's pretty obvious that, before Lena Olin makes her final departure from this show, there will be some sort of sex or some sort of death exchanged between these two -- preferably both. Preferably in that order.
Kendall enters, doing what he does best: INTERRUPTING INTERESTING SEXUAL TENSION. As Vaughn, Syd, Jack, and Irina sniff the air for any remaining traces of decent plot development, Kendall details the upcoming operation. "All right, here's how this works. Derevko will detail your infiltration into the facility once you reach it. Until then, you have operational control." Jack nods. Kendall goes on to say that the unrest in Kashmir has caused Pakistan and India to seal their borders, so the Spy Family will board a train in New Delhi and then exit the train as it passes through the eastern tip of Kashmir. "Your gear will be planted in the baggage car," he finishes. Vaughn pipes up, "Once you're off the train, you'll rendezvous with the CIA contact, who will provide you with the op tech you'll need to infiltrate the facility." Syd's all, uh, how'd you clear all this with Sloane? Jack deadpans, "I took care of Sloane." How'd you do that, Jack? By cutting off Auntie Em's finger and sending it to Petty Officer Papa Don't Preach? Oops. I'm getting ahead of myself here.
Kendall tells them that a C-5 is waiting for them at the Van Nuys airport. The Spy Family all kind of look around at each other; then the buzzer sounds and everyone starts to exit the cell. Mr. Darcy glances at Elizabeth Bennett and says, "I'll talk to you when you reach your contact." They nod at each other, which I guess has become their new code for, "You know I love you, right?" Then Syd leaves and catches up with her mom and dad as we get a slo-mo shot of all their butts swaggering in unison.
The Family That Sways Together, Stays Together is heading to New Delhi, cruising along at an altitude of thirty-five thousand feet, as Syd puts together some (probably) harmless weapons. Spy Mommy smirkingly says, "Agent Vaughn has trouble sleeping when you're in the field." Jack all but rolls his eyes in his ex-wife's direction. Syd's all, I seriously doubt he told you that. Spy Mommy's all, didn't have to. Syd's all, he's my COLLEAGUE, okay? Spy Mommy's all, honey, you take all these risks for your country -- why aren't you willing to take the same risks for your happiness? Spy Daddy's all, oh, that's rich! A psycho bitch like you attempting to give RELATIONSHIP advice. Spy Mommy's all, oh, shut up, you impotent alcoholic. Syd's smart and funny and beautiful and charming and strong, but she's about as happy as a depressed war widow and if this keeps up, she's gonna wind up like Mrs. Haversham, dude. Syd's all, okay, uh, this is SO not what I signed up for. Spy Daddy's all, oh, what, and you've gleaned these precious insights into your daughter's psyche after, what, the cumulative TEN MINUTES you've spent in her presence? After a TWENTY-YEAR ABSENCE? You are something else, sister. You really are. Spy Mommy's all, I knew it the moment I saw her, you bully. I'm her mother. Spy Daddy's all, oh PLEASE! You may have squeezed that life out of your womb but that is ALL! You haven't raised her! You haven't watched her grow -- Spy Mommy's all, oh and YOU have? I hardly think skipping her third grade piano recital so you could rendezvous with a quart of Johnnie Walker Red qualifies as RAISING --
Finally, Syd's had enough. "Hey!" she barks. "Stop baiting him," she spits at her mother. Jack's all, ha! See! Stop baiting me! You're in trouble! You're in troub-- "And you!" Syd says, turning to her father. "Stop being such an easy target." Irina smirks again. "Heh!" she whispers under her breath. "Who's in trouble now, Smarty-Pants?" "We're going to be traveling together for the two days," Syd continues, "you can't jump down her throat every time she opens her mouth." Having reprimanded the rambunctious children, Syd returns to her weapons detail; Jack stares down at the floor in search of his testicles, and Irina stares up at the ceiling in search of a lighting angle that manages to show off the delicate sinews of her neck so she can bait Jack into making a comment about how trying to turn him on SO isn't going to work!
Meanwhile, at a public lawn bowling facility that has NO business being ANYWHERE near Los Angeles, Will's hanging out on some benches watching a bunch of old farts toss heavy black balls around (hee!). Suddenly, Vaughn's there, watching along with him. Will's all, hope I didn't pull you away from anything important or super-cool. Vaughn's all, no, it's cool. I need to do something to keep my mind off the dirty movies starring Syd that are running around in my brain. What's up? Will says, "Look, except for you, Sydney, and Jack, everybody I know -- and a lot of people I don't -- they think I'm a lying junkie, okay? And helping you, doing something for the CIA, it felt like a chance to do something that mattered again, you know? Like, I don't know, maybe I went through all this crap for a reason." He slides a magazine over to Vaughn.
Vaughn picks up the magazine. "What is this?" Will's all, look, I know you can't pay me or anything. That's cool. It's just, in that magazine, you're looking at forty names. Those are forty kids who got a perfect score on the standardized test that included the Project Christmas questions. God, Bradley's eyes are gorgeous. I'm having difficulty concentrating on the scene, they're so pretty. Vaughn's all, okay, uh, how'd you get this? Will blathers something about Carnegie Mellon and some cultural bias study they did. Vaughn's all, uh, the FBI has been trying to narrow down a list of kids for as long as you have, and so far they haven't come up with a single name. Okay, so, what? Will's ahead of the FBI AGAIN? How does that happen? I mean, I'm okay with the idea that Will's a great reporter and everything, but he's just one guy, ya know? What the hell are our tax dollars good for, anyway? Super Will is all, they probably couldn't find anything because they don't know that the tax records from '82 were missing from the test archives. Vaughn's all, "missing"? What do ya mean "missing"? Who took them? "I don't know yet," says Will, thereby suggesting that just because he doesn't know YET doesn't mean he won't know SOON. Hear that Vaughn? Our boy's working off the clock and he ain't gonna stop any time soon. Buy the dude a beer already, man!
New Delhi. Land Of Shah Jahan, Samosas, And Fantastic Traffic Accidents. A train pulls up to a station that has somehow managed to become drenched in yellow food coloring. You know, because all of India is ochre-colored. Inside the station, an attractive Indian man with shoulder-length black curls is perusing passports. He's checking out Jack's and comparing the passport photo with the real thing standing before him. Too bad Jack With A Moustache looks more like Jack The Porn Star than Jack The Vacationing Family Man. As if the hilarity that is Jack's Moustache were not enough, we're force-fed the images of Space Cadet Sydney And Her Bouncy Blonde Wig and Serenely Scary Spy Mommy And Her Waxing White Oleander Wig. It's no longer the Spy Family. It's the Hideous Hair Family.
Passport Boy asks the purpose of their visit. Porn Star Jack is all, it's a vacation. Space Cadet Sydney's all, uh, not exactly a vacation when you're forced to go. "No offense," she says, chomping on her bubble gum and twirling a perfectly swirled lock of blonde hair, "cute country." Hee. Serenely Scary Spy Mommy trills, "Honey, we agreed we'd spend Thanksgiving together." Space Cadet's all, yeah, uh huh. What-EVER, MOM. Porn Star Jack is all, okay, we are NOT going to talk about this now. In order to avoid dealing with the Bizarro Sunshine Family any further, Passport Boy waves them through customs.
Before they leave, Passport Boy compliments Serenely Scary Spy Mommy on her necklace. Spy Mommy states that it was an anniversary gift from her husband, and then whips around and lays a couple of rather chaste kisses on Porn Star Jack's perma-pursed lips. Jack's speechless. Sydney's speechless. Hell, I'M speechless. And that's a first. Before either Syd or Jack can go, "Uh, THE HELL?" Irina trundles both of them through the crowd.
In the backyard of some Hollywood record mogul who just happens to be Indian, a bunch of "Indian" people are milling about in an attempt to make us feel as if we are, indeed, several thousand miles from the nearest Spago. Some guy sitting at a table with a cell phone hears it ring and picks up. It's Vaughn on the other end, pretending that he was trying to reach information. Table Guy offers to help. Vaughn responds that the team's on route and that they'll be at their rendezvous point at 2200 hours. Table Guy understands and clicks off. He passes a table with a vibrantly sari'd woman sitting at it. As soon as he passes, she gets on her own cell phone and informs someone that the CIA contact has been activated.
Hee. The Sprint commercials are absolutely some of the funniest commercials on TV today. "You want me to put my hand in the whut? And pull out the whut whut?" And the guy in the trench coat is SO my new boyfriend. Big. Tall. Goofy expression on his face. Aw yeah. I don't like 'em dumb, but I like 'em to be able to PLAY dumb if it's called for. No, Viggo. You're not dumb. You're far from dumb. But I do, on occasion, like it when you put on your overalls and stare slack-jawed at the computer because you're pretending that you don't understand how all of those words magically appear on the screen. What? You're not pretending? Oh, sweetie. Just sit there and look pretty, okay?
Back in New Delhi, the train's just about to exit the station. It's huffing and puffing and blowing the house down. Speaking of blowing...The Hideous Hair Family is led to their sleeper compartments. Once inside, Syd unzips her gorgeous Burberry luggage and removes a sleek black outfit. Over in her parents' compartment, the porter gives Jack a ticket for their remaining cargo hold luggage, and exits. Jack turns and looks at Irina, who looks so ridiculous in the blonde wig that it's almost difficult to find her present expression of Don't You Want Me Baby even remotely seductive. Still, it seems to be working just a little bit on Porn Star Jack because he turns, locks the door, then turns back and seems at a loss as to what he should do . Irina makes that decision for him and loses the seductive expression and quickly starts removing her clothes. No, not like that! She's getting ready to change into her spy mode! But I suppose we could take her a wee bit more seriously if, perhaps, she weren't wearing ultra-feminine and hyper-sexy La Perla undergarments, and also if SHE WEREN'T SPORTING THE HOTTEST BODY SINCE REBECCA ROMIJN-STAMOS.
Jack removes Irina's black spy suit from the luggage and turns to hand it to her. Of course, she's stripped down to her naughty bits and Jack is absolutely floored. He sort of stands there with his tongue scraping his shoelaces as Irina takes the spy suit from him and enjoys how much the sight of her bodacious ta-tas unnerves him. She smiles sexily at him; he just gulps hard and gets back to business. Of course, removing his pants in order to put on his spy suit is going to probably require several back issues of Field & Stream and a videotape of one of Margaret Thatcher's old speeches, but I have confidence that Jack can get the job done in time to save the world.
As the train speeds toward its destination, Syd, sans Bouncy Blonde Wig, enters the cargo hold. She presses a button on a small device and triggers a light on a luggage trunk in the corner. As she opens the trunk, Jack and Irina burst through the door in all their sleek spy suit glory. Jack flings the side door open as the horn section borrowed from the official James Bond Orchestra wah-wahs one of their special Deep Undercover Danger spy themes.
Syd tosses parachute packs to her parents as Jack points out that, once they reach that bridge in the distance, they're at the point of no return. They have to jump or the whole operation's lost. Then Jack and Irina argue about who's going to jump first. Irina's all, I'd offer to go first, but I don't want you screeching at me that I'm trying to escape. Jack's all, oh, that's so clever! We jump together, you sneaky siren and Syd, you follow. Irina's all, smart thinking, Danger Don. The winds are too strong and our chutes could get tangled. You go first. Jack's all, yeah, right. Think again, Christmas Jones. You go first. "You'll have to trust me sometime!" Irina shouts. "Trust is the LAST thing you'll be getting from me!" Jack retorts. Once again, Syd's had it. "Shut up!" she shouts, flinging herself out the gaping door and out into the wind. Jack grabs Irina and throws her out the door, following her closely himself.
They parachute down to a largely uncovered patch on the side of a mountain. There's a full moon out, and by golly, they're going to take FULL advantage of it. Never mind that they're in open view of, well, EVERYONE. Jack walks over and carps at Sydney about how he told HER to follow THEM once they jumped. Syd's all, oh, I'm sorry. I just figured you were so busy BITCHING at each other that we were going to miss our window. Jack's all, Syd, honey, I need to be sure that I can count on you whether you agree with me or not. Syd's all, yeah, okay, whatever. In the future, though, I'd appreciate it if you'd leave your baggage in the cargo hold where it belongs and allow us to GET ON WITH BUSINESS. Irina walks up and points off in the distance at something. There's a blinking light. Jack blinks his flashlight in response, and the three of them move off toward their contact.
It's Table Boy. He greets Jack warmly, and Jack in turn introduces him as Saheed to both Sydney and Irina. Irina steps forward and says something about how Saheed's last name is "Akhtar," but his accent has a trace of Hindi. Saheed tells her that his mother is from Jammu. "Your parents were brave to marry," she says quietly, "knowing the prejudice they'd face." Saheed's face glows with admiration, even though he knows just how dangerous Irina really is. Jack's all, yeah, yeah, yeah, she's scary but impressive -- let's move on, shall we?
They move over to a jeep, and Saheed says, "I have everything you need to infiltrate the prison camp undetected. MBGs, Kevlar BDUs, encryption sat-comms, three pounds of C-4 charges, and a cryo-3 radiation detector to help you locate the nukes." Syd asks how far away the PRF stronghold is, and Saheed informs her that it's about nine hours away. Saheed starts to hand Irina a gun, but Jack barks, "Not for her." Saheed pulls back, and Irina gets into the jeep and sits, get this, RIGHT TO THE UNLOCKED TRUNK OF WEAPONS. Yeah, because Jack won't let her have one because she's SOOOO dangerous, but no one even BLINKS when she sits down right to enough guns and ammo to take down a small mercenary-stocked island? That makes a bunch of sense. Really. It does. Excuse me while I shove a Q-Tip into my ear until I touch my brain and then wiggle it around a little bit just to shake things up in there. Ya know, for variety.
The Inner Sanctum Of Insanity. Technical Sergeant Take A Chance On Me is hanging out at his desk, contemplating the future of the Star Wars franchise at the hands of that whack job George Lucas. One of the many Clueless SD-6 Agents enters with a parcel and informs Detective De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da that this package arrived for him and it's been scanned for biological contaminates and it's clean. He hands the package to Sloane and exits.
Sloane unwraps it and opens the box that's inside. Inside the box, there's another little box with a clasp. Sloane quickly opens that, only to reveal that what's inside is a finger. And not just any finger, but Auntie Em's finger. We know this because of the silvery wedding band wrapped around the bottom of it. Sloane doesn't really look all that surprised, even though he does toss the box far from him as soon as he opens it. He sits back in his chair as The Horns Of Amputated Digits bleat in the background.
Back in Kashmir, the Spy Family and Saheed are speeding along at a nice clip when they come upon a tree that's fallen across their path. "Back up!" Jack barks at Saheed. Saheed's all, whuh? "BACK UP NOW!" Jack barks again. Saheed starts to back up, but it's too late. A bunch of guys with guns materialize around the jeep. The Spy Family raises their hands in the air, and everyone's pulled from the jeep and shoved to their knees. Saheed says something about them all being international aid workers. One of the Gun Guys shoots him dead and then spits on his corpse. Gun Guy walks over to the Spy Family and says something about how he's disgusted that one of his own countrymen would assist the CIA. Not as disgusted as I am that one of Saheed's own countrymen would shoot his ass dead in thirty seconds or less, dude. Gun Guy asks if Jack speaks for his entire unit. When Jack answers in the affirmative, Gun Guy calmly announces that he and his other Gun Buds are the People's Revolutionary Front. Syd and Jack exchange glances. Gun Guy's all, what? You got a question or something? Jack's all, yeah, actually. We'd kinda like the warheads you've acquired. Gun Guy's all, yeah, you and half the damn planet, dude. Get in line. He turns and says something to his Gun Buds, and they start pilfering the weapons cache in the back of the jeep.
Now it's Irina's turn to exchange glances with Sydney. Syd then glances at her father, who returns her glance. There are glances being tossed all over the place. Irina looks down at her necklace. Jack sees her look, and even though he dreads the idea of her being basically free, he knows it's their only way out. Just as one of the Gun Buds holds up a couple cans of gasoline, Jack nods quickly to Irina. Gun Guy turns and thanks the Spy Family for the supplies. He then turns to his Gun Buds and says something in a foreign language. We can probably assume that it's "kill the capitalist pigs." Jack quickly reaches around to his wrist and presses a button. Irina snaps her necklace. Syd sees this, drops to the ground, and kicks the Gun Bud behind her. Jack follows suit with his Gun Bud. Bullets start flying as Irina flings the necklace over to the jeep. Jack hits another button on his watch and the necklace explodes, creating an even bigger explosion with the jeep. Then we get a truly hilarious slo-mo shot of Victor Garber throwing himself to the ground with his eyes half-closed. I don't know why it's funny. It just is.
Irina quickly gets to her feet, grabs a gun, and starts shooting. Syd then quickly gets to her feet, grabs a gun, and starts shooting. Jack's already on his feet, has already grabbed a gun, and is already shooting. All three of them. Standing there. With no cover. Shooting. Shooting at approximately twelve to fifteen men. Just shooting. Shooting away. It's a good thing that the People's Revolutionary Front didn't see fit to enroll any of their soldiers in any kind of marksmanship training. I mean, shooting at people and actually HITTING them probably isn't all that important in the world of revolutionaries. Yeah. It's probably all about peace summits and bake sales. As the Spy Family shoots the shit out of the PRF, it's dimly suggested that Sydney actually hits one of them. In fact, I believe it's suggested that she actually hits Gun Guy. This isn't really clear, however. What is clear is that one of the cataract-inflicted PRF soldiers has managed to barely nick Syd's side with one of their bullets. Syd grimaces and drops to her knees.
What's that noise? It sounds like a violin on acid. Huh. Oh. Wait. I know what that is. It's U2. It's U2 singing "Walk On." To echo my sentiments from the beginning portion of this recap, I'd just like to state, for the record, that I truly enjoy U2 and their music. I think it's actually a requirement. I'm Irish. My father was Irish. My great-grandfather and great-grandmother were born in the west of Ireland. It's, like, part of the JOB of being Irish that you MUST LIKE U2. At least, in some capacity. But I truly do like them. Have since October. And I really like the song "Walk On" and almost all the other songs off that album.
But do I like "Walk On" in this particular scene of this particular show?
HELL NO.
What, was the music director on PCP while they were on vacation? Like, how much effort does it take to look at this scene and find a truly appropriate piece of music? I would say anything from the Propellerheads to Junkie XL to The Doves to, hell, EARLY U2 would be better than this particular song. Actually, if the music director had a quirky sense of humor, something like Edith Piaf would do the trick. Or Nina Simone. You know, just for a silly bit of irony. I think Alias could do with the occasional infusion of Guy Ritchie cleverness.
Anyway, Irina drops down in front of Syd and asks her if she's okay. Syd responds that it's just a scratch. There's a click behind Irina's head, and Jack instructs her to drop her gun. Syd scrambles to her feet and splutters, "Dad --" "Quiet!" Jack snaps. Irina drops her gun to the ground without hesitation. She stands and turns to Jack. "Jack, we're in enemy territory and the PRF knows we're here. We need to start trusting each other right now." Jack just looks at her. "You will not carry a weapon." Irina resigns herself to Jack's paranoia. "Okay."
Syd checks her compass watch and announces that they're about twenty miles southwest of their ultimate destination. Jack determines that they can contact the CIA chief in Pakistan and he'll patch them through on a secure channel to Langley. Irina states that they should make it there by dawn.
And as Bono warbles "Walk on..." the Spy Family does just that, passing by the burning jeep and stepping over the dead PRF soldiers. "Stay safe tonight..." Bono wishes them as they head into the woods in search of nuclear warheads.
on Alias: More of the same. If by "same," you mean Spy Mommy betraying her daughter and her ex-husband and showing her true colors, that is.