The Counteragent

Previously on Alias, Vaughn nabbed himself a bug, and it ain't the kind that Norton Anti-Virus can handle. Oh, and Syd managed an eleventh-hour save for both her wayward parents. Which means, THANK GOD, that Spy Mommy's back and she's BETTER THAN EVER.

After discovering that the red fluid leaking from his fingertips isn't a bad batch of Revlon Red Rampage nail polish, Vaughn smartly reaches for the Band-Aids and makes with the patchwork. Michael Vartan has really lovely hands: square-tipped fingers and strong vein-y backs. Mmmm. God, I'm a hand whore. Yes, Viggo. You have lovely hands. They're often just a bit too dirty for my taste, but that's just something I have to put up with, isn't it? As long as you wash them before you put them to use in the bedroom, I couldn't care less how dirty they get...

Vaughn looks at himself in the mirror as he puts on his tie. His expression is one of intense concern and worry. I haven't mentioned it of late, because I haven't really noticed, but I'd have to say that Vaughn's sporting about ninety-five new forehead wrinkles, bringing the current count to approximately 14,982.

While Vaughn checks his reflection for pulsating sores and suppurating wounds, we hear a phone ringing and then Doctor Sweater Vest on the other end, apparently returning a phone call that Vaughn made to him earlier. Vaughn's all, uh, yeah, thanks for getting back to me so soon. Uh. So. Uh. The thing is, I think we have a problem over here. Doctor Sweater Vest's all, I know you're worried, dude, but we ran every available test for viral infections. You're cool, man. Vaughn's all, uh, yeah, but there's this whole blood thing going on with my fingernails, Doc. Do you think that's a problem? Doctor Sweater Vest's all, uh, no, not really. I mean, not unless DYING is a problem. So, here's what we're gonna do, Captain Contagious -- you're gonna stay put, and we're gonna send a containment team over to pick your ass up. Vaughn's all, uh, no, actually, there's someone I have to see first.

After speeding along the freeway, Vaughn shows up at Mama Hari's Den Of Delights. She's sitting on the floor, paging through her ever-present Book Without A Cover. I'm not really sure just what the book's supposed to be, but it's big enough to actually be used as a weapon, so I'm pretty damn surprised she's allowed to hang onto it.

Before Vaughn can even say anything, Irina says, "I know what you did for me. Proving Sydney's father betrayed her in Madagascar. I would have been executed for that. Thank you." Vaughn's all, yeah, well, thanks for the thanks, but I didn't do it for you, you barely contained viper. Irina gets up and walks over to him, making an attempt at a sympathetic expression, but really just looking extremely sexy while Vaughn just happens to be on the other side of the glass. She touches her face with one of her tremendously large hands. Dudes. It's true. Lena Olin's hands are HUGE.

There was this recent interview with Jennifer Garner where she mentioned that she realized Lena Olin had huge hands just like her and felt an immediate kinship with the actress assigned to play her mother. Now, I never noticed that Jenny's hands were inordinately large, and up to this point, I'd never noticed that Lena Olin's hands were inordinately large. But now, with her hand held up to her face like that, uh, THEY'RE TERRIFYING. Seriously. Her hand's almost three times the size of her head. She could smack yo eyes out yo head with one little slap. Screw that whole "international terrorist" moniker; this woman's hands are loaded weapons.

So anyway, Mama Hari strokes her face with her snowshoe of a hand and tells Vaughn that she owes him her life. "Thank you," she husks. Vaughn's all, well, thanks for the thanks, sister, but I didn't do it for you. Mama Hari gets up and walks over to the glass. She's all, well, whatever, dude. I owe you my life. Vaughn's all, you owe me my father's life, okay? Now, moving on, when I was hanging out on the gurney down in Cap Ferrat, I noticed that dickweed Khasinau experimenting on all sorts of people who'd been exposed to that ooky liquid from inside the Big Red Ball. What in the HELL did he learn from doing that, anyway? I kinda wanna know if he came up with a cure, because, well, I kind of don't have a lot of time here. Mama Hari's all, ooooh, so you're the one who's sick! I heard about you! Vaughn's all, uh, yeah, you know, my shoes are really shiny.

Mama Hari sees her opportunity and takes it. "Tell me how you feel about my daughter." Vaughn's all, uh, lady, that is SO none of your business, antidote or not, okay? Mama Hari's all, shut up and answer the question, you navel-gazer. "Are you in love with her?" Vaughn's all, I so don't know why that should matter to you. Mama Hari's all, look, grease my palm, dude. Scratch my back and I'll scratch yours. Vaughn stops looking at his shoelaces long enough to say, "Help me and I'll tell you what you want to know." What happens if what she really wants to know is how to make a delectable cheese souffl and the whole "do you love my daughter" question is just a decoy, dude? Her help won't matter much then, will it?

Foolio's Fantasyland Of Fine Foods. Will and Syd are sitting at a table, filling salt shakers. Why? Why is Syd helping Foolio with her salt shakers? I mean, she's not running this restaurant out of the basement of her apartment building, is she? Like, if she can afford to open up a fucking restaurant, then she should damn well be able to hire a couple of tattooed college students to shove salt into shakers. Whatever.

Will wants to talk to Syd and asks if it's safe. Syd gives him the "hang on a minute" sign and whips out a lipstick, rolling it up to reveal a lovely shade of mellow mango or something. Will's all, seriously? There's a bug killer in the lipstick? By the way, I think that "seriously" is a shout-out to me. Sydney says it later in the show, and I think the writers actually have nothing better to do than stick a "seriously" in the middle of their dialogue, just so I can feel that someone out there in Hollywood is wasting several hours reading my retarded recaps and wants to show their appreciation. Because I'm a dork.

Anyway, Will tells Syd that he looked up twenty years of standardized tests to see if any of Vaughn's IQ questions showed up. Nope. Not a chance. "But there was a year missing and the Educational Testing Service didn't have a hard copy or a disk. I mean, it's like 1982 never existed." Syd's all, well, maybe someone wanted it to disappear. Foolio comes over with a bowl of something and a spoon and asks Syd to taste her bouillabaisse and report on whether it's too spicy or too salty. Why is Foolio in the kitchen whipping up bouillabaisse when she was previously just a caterer who BURNED TURKEYS ON THANKSGIVING? No, really. The woman used to pass around pigs in a blanket, and now she's all, "Here, try my shiitake quiche with red pepper saffron sauce!" The hell?

Syd gets rid of Foolio by telling her that the damn soup is perfect. Foolio leaves, and Syd fills in Will on her dad's involvement with Project Christmas. Syd's all, my dad developed Project Christmas, and it used standardized tests that asked specific questions to identify children the CIA could later recruit as agents. Will's all, uh, kids? Yes, Will. Kids are the preferred subjects for IQ tests, you moron. Syd's all, dude, the KGB sent my mom here to steal details about the program. But the CIA stopped the operation. Vaughn thinks Russian intelligence is still running the program in order to recruit Americans. Before Will can offer up a bon mot along the line of, "Huh? Really? Whuh?" Syd gets phone call from Kendall requesting her presence at Ops Center.

Ops Center Of Potentially Dying Love Interests. Syd enters and walks over to Kendall, asking whassup an' shit. Kendall tells her that Vaughn's developed symptoms of the virus. Syd basically freaks out, but without showing it too much. She's all, do we -- are we -- is it -- are you sure it's -- Spy Daddy enters, and Syd frantics over to him. She's all, where is he? What's he wearing? Do I have time to tell him how much I love him and how I'll never love another again if he dies? Jack's all, he came in to see your bitch of a mother and collapsed shortly thereafter. And no, I can guarantee you won't have time to tell him ANYTHING involving love, because that's just how cruel J.J. Abrams really is.

Syd goes to her mother, who's sitting on her bunk reading The Book Of Nothingness. Syd's all, is there an antidote? Mama Hari's all, yes, but it's in a former Soviet training base for nuclear submarine personnel in Paldinski. Syd's all, yeah, so? Big deal. Who's operating the base now? Mama Hari gets up and walks over to the glass. Seriously, how much of a bad-ass is Lena Olin? I mean, how in the HELL does she get her arms to look like that? As Mama Hari tells Syd about the location of the antidote and the chance that it won't even work for Vaughn, Syd's eyes well up with tears, and she bites her coral-frosted lips.

After meeting with her mother, Kendall, Spy Daddy, and Spy Barbie are all chatting with the resident fat geeky specialist about the antidote. Fat Geeky Specialist says, "This antidote sounds almost as dangerous as the infection." Turns out the serum is a blood derivative. "Meaning, you just can't get the medicine and inject it into the sick patient," continues Fat Geeky Specialist. "You need blood from the patient. In this case, Vaughn. The equipment that manufactures the serum reads the blood and creates a custom genetic-specific antidote for that particular patient." Wow. That sounds complicated. How much dope do these writers smoke on a regular basis? And how many of them are Dr. Who fans?

Some dude walks up and enters the circle. Kendall introduces him as Agent Chapman and says that he'll be running the op from Ops Center while Spy Daddy leads the team into Paldinski. The mission gets all set up, and Syd turns to Fat Geeky Specialist to ask the question that we're all thinking: "How much time does Vaughn have?" Fat Geeky Specialist is all, uh, three days. Three days? The hell? Wasn't her mother supposed to be executed in three days? "Three days" is a very popular span of time on this show. Is it just because it's short enough to be scary, but long enough to shove in at least one hot-chick outfit and two episodes of extended ass-kicking? I just don't get it.

U.S. Naval Medical Center. Syd enters and walks over to Vaughn's Bubble Boy bed as The Accordions Of Unrequited Love And Hunky Leading Man Bleed-Outs fill the soundtrack. Some trilly Irish-like voice wisps about "slumber my darling" and "thy mother is near," which is actually kind of stupid because, like, Syd's not Vaughn's mother and he sure as HELL ain't slumbering. It's just a weird choice of music, is all I'm sayin'.

Syd sits down and pulls on surgical gloves (no, not for THAT -- EW!) as Vaughn sort of wakes up and looks over at her and emits a sleepy "hi." Syd, keeping her tears in check, returns his greeting and fills him in on the antidote. She's all, I talked to my mom and I'm going to go get the antidote. Vaughn's all, how dangerous is it? Syd's all, getting the serum? Piece o' cake, dude. But, uh, I need to take some of your blood with me, baby. Vaughn just kind of looks away. Syd reaches in and preps his arm. Vaughn is all ashy and pathetic, and Syd's look of tender concern is very emotional. But. Um. Why is SHE taking the blood? Where are the nurses? And it's not like Vaughn's in his own room or anything. We can see directly behind Syd's head that there's a nurses' station, and there are at least two or three doctors back there. Like, taking blood isn't top secret now, is it? I mean, it IS a naval hospital isn't it? I'd imagine they're very used to treating members of the CIA. Again, why am I even spending time with logic? Logic + Alias = Frustrated Recapper.

Syd takes Vaughn's blood and starts to move away, but he takes her hand and tells her to be careful, and then it looks like he may say something more but gets too tired and rolls over. Syd caresses his hand, and the tears start flowing. She doesn't have time to start really sobbing, however, because Vaughn starts crashing and bleeding internally. Now, suddenly, doctors are everywhere. Where the hell were they before when Syd was all taking blood and shit? Shhhh. Don't think, just type.

Syd-san runs outside and starts jabbering in Japanese about the semi-dead guy on her massage table. Sark's all, you're so good, do you know that? Marry me. Or at least let me sit to you on our family road trip to Wally World. He then orders someone to send in an ambulance. As Syd-san exits the outer spa doors, EMTs cart Sloane into the ambulance. She watches them load his inert body as Sark walks up and minces to Syd about how he wasn't patronizing her earlier when he wished her luck. Syd's all, release the serum to your man, ya bitch. Sark gets on the horn and instructs his guy to hand over the antidote. He gives the case code as 10-11-92. I don't know if that's important, but it seems like a date or something. Hmmmm...

Over at the U.S. Naval Medical Center, Sark's associate hands over the antidote, and Jack tells him that he'll have to stick around until it's tested. I don't think Sark's associate is too pleased about this, but, like, he just earned his SAG card, so he really should shut the hell up. Back in Tokyo, Sark enters the ambulance and smirks at Syd, "It was nice working with you." Syd-san just glares at him and then looks at Detective Do Not Disturb. As the ambulance doors are closed, Syd-san sort of looks like she wants to stop them and save Captain Crack-Up. But she doesn't. Buh-bye, Sloane.

Hell-Lay. As the beautiful "I Grieve" by Peter Gabriel plays, we watch Vaughn in his hospital bed, slowly waking up as if he's just had a really long nap instead of a deadly disease. Jack's sitting by the side of his bed, looking, actually, rather paternally at Vaughn. It would be creepy if it weren't kind of sweet. Vaughn asks, "What's happening?" Jack responds, "You've been asleep for forty hours." Vaughn asks, "Am I dying?" Jack, ever careful about his bedside manner, says, "Almost. Sydney got the antidote. The doctors say your blood levels are looking good." Vaughn rasps, "How'd she do it?" Jack grimaces, "She had Sloane killed."

SD-6 Offices Of Rogue Double Agents And The Other Agents Who Are Completely In The Dark. Syd enters in slo-mo and passes by Sloane's empty office. She sees people coming out of the conference room and walks over to see what's going on. As she enters, the slo-mo stops and boom! There's Sloane! Looking healthy, happy, and not a little bit dangerous. Syd's eyebrows nearly betray her inner "What the fuck?" Detective Dementia has this hooded expression in his eyes that totally makes me think he's on to Syd and that she is FUCKED. She looks over and there's Sark, looking for all the world like a nuclear-operated shit-eating grin machine. God, David Anders is sexy as hell.

Sloane's all, hey there, Syd. Mornin'! I believe you know Mr. Sark. Syd's all, uh, yeah, but I don't think we've ever been officially introduced. Detective Don't Look Now But I'm Onto You is all, Mr. Sark is now cooperating with us in our ongoing search for Derevko and the remains of her company. Syd's all, HE'S cooperating? Are you HIGH? Brigadier Boo! is all, debrief Sark, sweetie. Make like a secretary and take some dictation. I'm gonna go hang out with the rest of the undead over by the espresso machine.

Sergeant Sucks To Be You leaves and Sark's all, Agent Bristow, working with you -- Syd's all, dude, SHHHH! Sark's all, don't worry, sweetheart, I pulsed the bugs. We're cool. Let's reminisce! Syd's all, uh, what in the HELL are you doing here? Sark's all, baby, I just took him off to a remote location and revived him, that's all.

We return to Tokyo for a flashback as Sark tells Sloane, "Here's the situation. Rambaldi's true aim is a puzzle. I have certain pieces, you have others. We'll never solve his mystery, but together...together, we cannot fail." Major Malfunction is all, uh, yeah, like, how do I know you're for real or that you have anything real to offer? Sark's all, well, first, you're alive, dude. I intercepted communications indicating that there would be an assassination attempt on your life. See? I done good. First Mate Feliz Navidad is all, oh, like that proves anything. You could have PLANNED the assassination attempt. "Which brings me to my second piece of information," snits Sark, handing Sloane a folded piece of paper. Secret Agent So What's All This Then reads it and glances over at Sark as if the paper had a naked drawing of Auntie Em on it and the artist's signature was "Sark."

Back in Hell-Lay, Syd's all, so what's on the paper, dude? Sark's all, well, that's for me to know and you to find out. Oh, and while we're at it, neener-neener-neener. Syd gives him a global thermonuclear wedgie and then yells, "Mom! Sarkie's being a stinker!"

Mama Hari's Den Of Demise. Vaughn arrives in a wheelchair and achingly heaves himself out of it so he can walk the last few feet. He slowly approaches the glass, and then he and Mama Hari contemplate each other for a moment before he says, "You asked me some questions. I told you I'd answer them if you helped me. You did help me and I thank you for that." Mama Hari's all, yeah? Well, thanks for your thanks, but I didn't do it for you, buster. Vaughn's all, I'm trying to live a normal life, ya know? Then he blabbles on about how living a normal life has gotten much harder since knowing Syd. Basically, all he's saying is that loving Syd is a real pain in the ass, and he's just not really equipped to handle conflict or secrecy or, you know, GENERAL RELATIONSHIP ISSUES.

He starts to weasel out of the cell area, but Spy Mommy's onto him. She says, "The problem, Mr. Vaughn, is that to the one person who matters, you haven't said anything." Captain Non-Courageous is all, hey! It's not my choice! We have rules about handlers and agents not doing the nasty! "Very clear and important rules that govern the relationship between a handler and his asset." Mama Hari smirks. "And between a man and a woman?" Vaughn and his sparkly green eyes don't really have an answer for that one, now do they?

After his meeting with the to-the-point Mama Hari, Vaughn escapes to the main ops center. Syd's waiting for him. There's such a look of love and relief on both their faces that it's all I can do to keep myself from screaming, "KISS HER! KISS HIM! SOMEBODY KISS SOMEBODY!" Syd approaches Vaughn and just says, "Hi." Sheryl Crow's singing about how she shall believe as Vaughn just returns the greeting and they hug. Syd starts to cry, and their hug is so tight that I'm surprised Syd doesn't actually physically MELT into Vaughn's body.

Vaughn quietly thanks her, and Syd sort of realizes the inappropriateness of their hug and steps back. As they look at each other kind of uncomfortably, we hear the lyric, "Not everything is gonna be the way you think it oughta be." Ain't that the God's honest truth? They chat a little bit about the Sark/Sloane situation, and then Vaughn mentions that he heard Syd met Alice. Syd's all, yeah, she seemed nice. Vaughn's all, yeah, yeah, she is. We have a lot of history and we're trying to blah blah blah sorry I can't be with you Syd but I'm a chickenshit cakes. Syd's all, please, don't explain. Vaughn's all, no, but, like, if things were the other way around...Syd's all, dude? PLEASE DON'T EXPLAIN. Because, really, hearing it out loud isn't going to make me feel ANY better, my friend.

Syd says that she'll see him tomorrow and walks off, the heartbreak clearly evident on her face. Vaughn watches her as Kendall walks up and starts blabbling on about how Jack briefed him on whatever the hell. Vaughn totally ignores him and just gets the most adorable "I'm making a decision that could affect the rest of my life here so, like, could you excuse me, dude?" look on his face. "Excuse me," he says to Kendall, and walks after Sydney. He starts smiling with the excitement that he's making a huge gesture here and he couldn't be happier. He's right on Syd's trail as he comes around the corner. But she's disappeared. Instead of sobbing out loud like I would have, or, ya know, CONTINUING ON OUT OF THE DAMN BUILDING IN PURSUIT BECAUSE HOW FAR COULD SHE HAVE GONE, Vaughn just stands there, a slightly sad smile twisting his lips.

Well, it would appear that all of Sheryl Crow's warblings didn't do a DAMN BIT OF GOOD.

Vaughn. What a lovesick TOOL.

time on Alias: Spy Mommy, Spy Daddy, and Spy Barbie have to come together as a spy family and go undercover in order to nab a couple nuclear warheads from somewhere. In other news, Warden Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory is contacted by someone who tells him that Auntie Em's still alive. Yeah. TELL US SOMETHING WE DON'T KNOW.