Dead Drop

I am not a child of divorce.

My parents were married -- sometimes happily, sometimes not so much -- up until the day my father passed away. I tell you this not so you gain an insight into the inner workings of my mind, but so you understand that while I can absolutely sympathize with the plight of a child of parents divided, I most certainly can't empathize. I simply have no basis for comparison. Having to split time between two households, being forced to compartmentalize my affections for two parents who might very often be at odds with each other, having to choose between a mother and a father, as no child should have to do -- these concepts are alien to me.

So, if during the course of this recap, I tread the path of blind misunderstanding when it comes to the vagaries of the world of divorce, I hope you'll take my past into consideration and not think too lowly of me.

That being said, Sydney's family is ROYALLY fucked up.

Yes, Viggo, your family is royally fucked up too. No one cares. Just look pretty and don't talk so much.

Previously on Alias, Sydney went swimming in sub-zero waters and wound up licking the surface of the ice from the WRONG side.

We open up at The Fortress Of Solitude's Annual Ice Capades And Snow Pageant, and Syd is this year's Solitude Snow Queen. She's swirling around under the ice where we left her last, slamming her non-eiderdown gloves up against the glassy surface, obviously thinking that a couple of neat little tap-tap-taps will release her from her icy prison. Never mind that; if we were dealing with the real world here, Syd would already be dead. I mean, suspension of disbelief is a staple of behavior with this show, as we are all aware, but the extended synchronized swimming routine that Sydney's performing in the sub-zero temps of the water is pretty much pushing my ability to suspend jack-SHIT right over the cliffs of Dover.

So, even though the temperatures are so low out here in Siberia that, if you fall through the ice into the water, the ice will just scoot itself right back over the water in four seconds flat, we're supposed to ignore the laws of physics or nature or, like, whatever, and totally buy that Syd can hang out in the water for as long as she wants, her silky brown locks floating around her like water wings. Apparently, we're all irretrievably stupid.

Anyway, Syd's frantically looking around for an exit tunnel or slide or her other synchronized swimming team members, but instead finds one of the guys that Dixon shot through the ice at the end of the last ep. Cold Dead Guy is drifting down through the water, toward the supposed bottomless depths. Syd paddles her way over to him, dives down, grabs Cold Dead Guy's breathing apparatus, takes a hit, grabs his gun, and shoots through the ice, creating a hole for her to climb through. Christ Almighty. I don't do that much when it's FIFTY degrees outside, let alone FIFTY DEGREES BELOW ZERO. AND UNDER WATER.

WHAT? NO, I'M NOT SHOUTING. I AM NOT. OH, SHUT UP, VIGGO. I'm sorry. It's just -- you have NO idea what I go through every week when I have to recap this show. Yes, I love it but JESUS CHRIST! Watching this show requires more suspension of disbelief than watching Sandra Bullock's character NOT rip all your clothes off on that sofa during 28 Days. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It wasn't integral to the storyline. Whatever, Captain Cheekbones. Just get me a goddamn raspberry smoothie. And this time put extra rum in it.

Sydney pulls herself out of the water, only to almost fall back through because she's just so damn cold. This little flail is supposed to make us believe that Syd is actually dangerously close to dying, as opposed to making us wonder why Syd hasn't croaked from hypothermia LONG before now. Dixon appears just in time and grabs Syd's hand, yanking her out of the water. He holds her as she breathes heavily and her teeth chatter together unconvincingly. As annoyed as I am by this ridiculous episode opener, I really must admit that Jennifer Garner makes non-hypothermia look extremely good. Hell, that blue lipstick they use on her to illustrate that she's just so chilly actually looks ATTRACTIVE.

Uncle Uh-Oh's Office Of Loop-Da-Loop La-La Land. Uncle Bonkers is lightly questioning Syd about the music box and how Sark got away with it. Syd, bearing no resemblance to the frozen snow bunny of the scene, calmly sips what I'm assuming is nuclear hot tea that's supposed to warm her up after such a chilling experience, and informs Sloane that Sark did indeed get away with the music box, but after five hundred years buried under the Siberian ice, the box was corroded. "Practically fell apart in my hands," Syd finishes, not noticing when the tips of her fingers start falling off due to frostbite. Captain Crackers isn't buying it. "It's odd," he says. "Milo Rambaldi. He's done this before, many times. Hiding information inside works of art. The clock. Sculpture. Hmm. This time, he chose to bury one of his most important innovations, the formula for zero point energy, inside a music box." Syd's all, yeah, well, the guy lived over five hundred years ago. Anything with the word "Rambaldi" associated with it seems rather screwy to me. Oh, sorry. Didn't mean to use the word "screwy." Go to your shiny happy place. Shiny happy place!

Agent Alley-Oop is all, yeah, right, make fun of the crazy man. Look, I'm not really questioning Rambaldi's methods of concealing his whacked-out ideas; I'm really more interested in why, if the damned music box was important enough to create secret catacombs in the depths of Siberia, Rambaldi would just leave the bloody thing out and exposed to corrosive elements. Just in case we were all too busy putting tinfoil on our heads and watching the rooftops for the impending arrival of little green men to actually WATCH last week's episode, we're treated to a flashback of Syd, spraying her little can of corrosive crap all over the music box. Back in Cuckoo's office, Syd just makes like Mona Lisa and says some bullshit about it being "another Rambaldi mystery." Sloane has no choice but to buy this load of horse hooey; he sees Syd's Mona Lisa smile and raises her a Cheshire grin.

Subbasement Of Dreams And Desires. Agent Amorous is concerned that Uncle Bonkers might suspect Syd. Syd doesn't think that's possible. Flashback Of Fearsome Fondling. Ew! Uncle Bonkers is hugging Sydney! Step away! Bad! Bad Bonkers! Down boy! Syd tells Valiant Vaughn that Sloane was really relieved that Sydney made it back safely; which is why, I guess, he felt it necessary to squeeze her and hold her and EW! "I went home and took a shower and then came right here," finishes Syd. Vaughn's all, I'm sure Sloane was relieved and -- wait, you took a shower? Before you came over here? So you were naked RIGHT BEFORE YOU CAME OVER HERE? Did you take pictures? Or he just says, "Good." Then he tells her that Siberia was a rockin' success, and the CIA got the whole music box tune on tape. They're analyzing it as we speak. Or as they speak. Or whatever. Victorious Vaughn's all happy with himself that they got the intel and SD-6 didn't. "Neither did Sark," Syd reminds him.

Then there's this moment where Syd sort of looks down at her leather ensemble and contemplates whether or not leather ensembles are actually still in style. Vaughn asks her what's wrong. Syd brings up the fact that, once again, her evil bitch of a mother has pulled her Spy Barbie ass out of the fire. Vaughn's all, hey, you know, you can totally talk to me about her. Syd's all, yeah, right. She offed your daddy, dude. That can't be terribly easy for you. Vaughn's all, it's my job, baby. And I dig you the most, princess. Syd's all, she killed your father, honey-child. Vaughn's all, hello! I know that already! But thanks for the reminder! Syd's all, you don't have to pretend with me, lovey-kins. Vaughn's all, you don't have to hold back from me, Pooh bear. Syd's all, maybe not, but I just think it's unfair -- Vaughn's all, yeah, maybe, but I didn't join the CIA looking for "fair," okay? Unless by "fair" you mean "poontang." "After everything she's done to you," breathes Vaughn, "are those really things you could ever forgive?" "I don't know," she succinctly responds. Vaughn's all, yeah? Well, Spy Daddy's not NEARLY as vague as you are, sunshine. He's meeting with Kendall right this second and he's lobbying to have Spy Mommy transferred to a four-by-four padded cell twenty thousand leagues beneath the Bermuda Triangle, mmm-kay?

And we're off!

Syd stalks through the halls of the Operations Center, fury sparking off those excellent cheekbones. She comes upon Kommandant Kendall and Spy Daddy, arguing about Irina. "Did you even READ my report?" she spits at Spy Daddy. Spy Daddy's all, yeah, of course I did. Now go to your room and let the adults keep talking! Syd's all, okay, if you read it, then why in the HELL are you completely disregarding what I wrote? Kommandant Kendall congratulates Syd on a job well done in Siberia, and then wanders off in search of a role that doesn't require him to be a sanctimonious government prick. Spy Daddy's all, look. I agree with your report, okay? Irina's been cooperative and helped us out against SD-6, and even come to your rescue a couple of times and all that shit, but, like, she's STILL an evil bitch who can't be trusted. "Nothing that woman says or does can be taken at face value," he barks. "And she drinks! And she's a slut! And she's suing me for every last piece of cash I have! And that boyfriend of hers is a PIG! Does he stay over all the time? Does she love him? Is she going to marry him? You can tell me, sweetie. I won't be mad. Would you like another Big Wheel? You do? Well, Daddy will buy you another Big Wheel if you tell him what Mommy does with that scummy sack of shit she calls 'Chad.'"

Spy Daddy goes on to say that Irina's motivations are pretty much her own, and now that Syd's dealings with her mother have taken on an emotional component, he's concerned. Syd's all, uh, could you wake up and smell the double-agency, dude? I'm a PRO. "Every one of our discussions has been specific and mission-related," she says. Oh, really, Syd? Would that be the mission-specific discussion about your sixth grade music teacher, or the mission-related discussion about the school play that your mother missed in which you played, ahem, a turkey?

Spy Daddy's on my wavelength, because he's all, what, like the Turkey Talk? Yeah, because that was SO professional. Syd's all, you heard me tell her I was a turkey? They're SO serious when they're discussing the Turkey Day. They really are. It's hilarious. Spy Daddy gives it up that he was spying on Syd and her mother. Syd's less than pleased about this. Spy Daddy tries to justify his spying by bringing up that he's been watching Syd make the same mistakes with Irina that he did. Like what? You mean, Syd's being seduced by a Russian operative and then blaming everyone but herself for the outcome? Wow. The acorn really DOESN'T fall far from the tree.

Blah blah blah, you've been idealizing your mother for years. Bling blam blooey, you just recently discovered she was KGB. Flim flam fling, what the hell does THAT have to do with anything? Click clack clink, you've been without a mother for years and now you finally HAVE one and you're not THINKING straight and she's a BITCH and you should HATE her and WHY DON'T YOU LIKE ME MORE? "Dad," Syd finally says. "You don't have to worry about me. I'm not that nave." "I'm sure that's something," says Spy Daddy, "we both hope is true." Meanwhile, I'm tossing your mother's evil ass into a subterranean prison and that is FINAL. Now, go do your homework.

Sergeant Sanity-Be-Gone's Sanctum Sanctorum. Jack knocks on the door and Sloane lets him in, telling him to take a seat. Detective Ding-Dong then tells him about the Auntie Phantom phone call he received the other night and how it came from the bed and breakfast in Sonoma. You know, just in case we were filling glasses with water and placing them strategically all over the house in order to prepare for a water-intolerant little green man attack and wound up missing most of last week's episode. Jack suggests that it was a wrong number. Sloane takes a couple of bites out of his batshit biscuit and informs Jack that he thinks someone may be trying to leave him "unsettled." If by "unsettled" you mean "wackier than a wigged-out walrus." Sloane wants Jack to send someone to Sonoma to check it out. Jack's all, yeah, sure, ya freaknut, I'll get someone from security section to -- Sloane's all, dude! No! Nuh-uh. You gots to handle this one on the QT. I don't want the Billionaire Boys' Club to get wind of my impending lip-blabbling. Jack gets the picture and tells him he's going to send Dixon to Sonoma. Before Jack can leave, Sloane tells him that after Sark nabbed the music box in Siberia, SD-6 tracked him to a safe house in the Falkland Islands and sent in a team.

The Falkland Islands? Didn't Prince Andrew obliterate them years ago or something? Do they even still exist? What purpose do the Falkland Islands serve, anyway? I mean, other than being used for strategic sheep purposes and penguin breeding?

Jack asks King Kookoopants if the music box was retrieved, and Sloane informs him that it was, but that it was destroyed with age, just as Syd said it had been. "Worthless," says Sloane. "But we found something else." Jack ponders this. "Something else?" he asks. "Do you mean, like, drugs?" "No," says Sloane. "Money?" "No." "Women?" "No, Jack! Think bigger!" "Pink pachyderms?" "No, goddammit! Not...wait. Maybe. Like in Dumbo?" "Yeah. Like in Dumbo, you crackhead." "Well, we didn't find pink pachyderms there, but now that you mention it, I see a few dancing around your head." "Jesus, you're a looney-tunes."

Three's Company Clubhouse. The Ovary Twins are sharing a giggle about aged delivery men over a couple of bowls of Raisin Crunchies. No, it's not a real cereal. But the box is prominently displayed, so I just thought I'd mention it. Will enters and tells Foolio that a woman from the health department is on the phone. Foolio's all, ooooh, better get that! I'm being graded today! Yeah. Right. Like she really HAS a restaurant. Will, making every female in the audience swoon with desire, starts getting the trash ready for TAKING OUT. Yes, it's true. There are men alive who actually know how to do that. I've never LIVED with any of them, mind you, but it's nice to know they actually exist.

Yes, Viggo, that remark was directed at you. You're pretty to look at, it's true, but your household skills leave much to be desired. What? Well, yes, the garbage is technically Julio's job, but since you wounded him with your plastic sword, he's been less than capable of anything more than reaching for the remote control. Yes, I know you were protecting me, baby, and I sincerely do appreciate it. Now grab a Hefty bag and make yourself useful.

"How's it goin'?" Will asks Syd. "Okay," responds Syd. Will looks around covertly. "No, I mean, ya know, how's it goin'? Like, how's yer mom?" Syd hems and haws and doesn't really answer, instead asking Will how he's doing. He just tells her that he has four weeks left of community service and then he's done. Then he gets all super-spy on her again and asks if his going under hypno last week helped her out in any way. And before we can think that he's a totally self-centered doofus with pretty eyes, he tells Syd that the only reason he's asking is because "until about five minutes ago, [he] was doin' pretty well as a reporter, and now [he's] just a dishwasher living in denial." "The information you provided was huge," says Syd. "Huge?" says Will, his eyes widening in surprise. "Really? Oh, well, I wouldn't say 'huge.' I mean, it's average, I think. But that's really nice of you to say. 'Huge,' huh? Wow. Now, when you say 'huge,' you mean, like, length, right? Not girth? I mean, not that I care or anything..." Syd's all, because of you and your pretty eyes, the CIA scored BIG-TIME, baby! I shoulda told you before. Will's all, hey, don't worry about it. Huge? Really? Syd's beeper goes off. "Good guys or bad guys?" Will asks. "Neither," says Syd. "My father." Oooh. That's kind of a slam, idn't it?

Viaduct Of Vindictive Fathers And Chip-Shouldering Daughters. Spy Daddy tells Syd about the Sark tracking that Sloane ordered over on the Falkland Islands. We go to a flashback of Sark shooting the shit out of some invading soldiers while Spy Daddy voice-overs that Sark fought back and got away. The SD-6 soldiers found nothing at the safe house but a rather beaten-up looking dude by the name of Klaus Richter. He was being tortured by Sark. Three weeks ago, Richter was in Barcelona. "When I was there," says Syd. Yes, Syd. Because it's ALL about you. Oh, wait, she's the main character. I guess it really IS all about her.

Anyway, Spy Daddy blabbles on about the ops manual of Irina's organization, "The Bible," and how, if anyone gets their hands on "The Bible," they'll have access to all the contacts, technology, and weaponry that Irina's organization has amassed over the years. Sloane believes that Irina gave "The Bible" to Richter, and that he hid it. Syd's all, do you think that's true? Spy Daddy's all, dude, I KNOW it's true. I'm the one who interrogated the poor son of a bitch.

Flashback to Richter's SD-6 cell. Richter was screened for every possible known infection, and SD-6 didn't find a thing. Yet, the man was clearly headed for the great beyond. SD-6 thought that Richter was suffering from an allergic reaction to something Sark used on him. "Apparently, the first sign of illness was bleeding from the fingernails," Spy Daddy voice-overs. Ew. Spy Daddy mentions that, even though Sloane wanted Spy Daddy to torture Richter, Richter was being tortured enough as it was. Instead, Jack decided to give Richter a teensy taste of pain-reducing morphine and then, when it was obviously easing the man's agony, bribed him into spilling the beans on "The Bible's" location by offering unlimited amounts of morphine.

As it turns out, the location is too remote to simply DESCRIBE. Oh, no, that would be too easy. Richter designed a map to lead Irina back to the location and "The Bible." Syd's all, where's the map? Spy Daddy's all, right here. Your flight leaves in fifteen minutes. See ya! Yeah, right. The damn map's in a copy of War and Peace that's housed in the technical services library at FAPSY headquarters in Moscow. Syd's all, phhhtppphthhht. Guess FAPSY ain't too easy to break into. And, yeah, I looked up "FAPSY." Zip. Zilch. Zero. If you can figure out just what in the hell it is, well, good for you. Email it to me and I will KILL YOU. Because I care that little.

Sloane doesn't give a damn how hard FAPSY is to break into; he's sending Syd in to retrieve the map anyway. Spy Daddy's thinking ahead, however, and he had the CIA make a bogus map. Syd's supposed to go to Moscow, nab the real map, and hand it over to the CIA. He finishes by telling her that she's supposed to give the bogus map to SD-6. The bogus map will lead SD-6 to the middle of the Sunken Forest. Okay, that TOTALLY sounds like a made-up name for a place. It isn't, of course, because yeah, I'm a freakshow and I looked it up. It's in Madagascar. But it still SOUNDS like a fairy tale name right out of a C.S. Lewis book.

Syd smells a rat. "Why have you come to me like this?" she says suspiciously. "Before my SD-6 briefing? You giving me the CIA counter-mission instead of Vaughn --" Spy Daddy's all, because this is the best way to respond to the -- Syd's all, uh, NO! I totally know what this is all about! You don't want me to take this to Mom, do you? Spy Daddy's all, you have the info you need. Syd's all, we don't know that! Spy Daddy's all, our system works! Now go to your room before I shoot you! Syd's all, yeah? How 'bout a do a little karate on your ass, old man? And the "system"? Yeah, it BLEW ASS before Mom showed up. So, yeah, okay, the woman betrayed us. The difference between you and me is, I'm willing to squeeze every last drop of information out of that woman in order to take down the enemy. "Anything to get me the hell out of this life as soon as possible," she finishes. "Anything."

Non-Narcotics Anonymous. "Hi. I'm Will. And I'm a really cute addict." "Hi, Will!" Will gives his inaugural addict speech. He mainly says that he never really thought about his rep as a writer until he lost it and that, since it happened so publicly, people stare and point at him in the market. Yeah. People stare and point at me in the market, too. But that's probably because I wear bunny slippers and a flak suit while I'm picking up Kraft Macaroni and Cheese.

There's a cute addict girl watching Will from across the room as he gives his speech. He winds it up by saying something positive about how Sydney, whom he doesn't name, and he have developed a stronger relationship since he's had to go through this ordeal. Later, at The Coffee Urn Of Former Cokeheads And Crackfaces, Cute Addict Girl sidles up to Will and starts sweet-talking him with her drug stories. They introduce themselves, and Cute Addict Girl mentions that she read his article on SD-6 and she thinks it's true and Will was never a drug addict. Basically, this bitch works for SD-6 and she's trying to entrap Will into divulging the truth about Sloane and his Merry Band Of Marauders. Will doesn't take the bait, however, and Cute Addict Girl just slips him her card and walks off.

Mama Hari's Den Of Demise. Syd takes a seat across from her mother and informs her that Klaus Richter is in SD-6 custody. Syd goes on to say that she's aware that Irina refuses to give up info on "The Bible," primarily because that damned book is her only leverage with the CIA. But now, because SD-6 is after "The Bible," Syd's coming to Irina to request any intel she can offer that might facilitate the retrieval of the map from FAPSY headquarters. Pretty much, any help Irina provides will make her look good in the eyes of the CIA. Mama Hari says nothing for a moment. Then she tells Syd that a pair of earrings was taken from her when she was taken into custody. "They have sentimental value," she says. "I'd like them back." Syd says she'll see what she can do. Mama Hari -- in good faith, she says -- wants to know how Syd plans on breaking into FAPSY headquarters. You know, it's really hard to recap any scenes with Lena Olin, because after you type this stuff out, the scenes just wind up looking sort of flat and dim. But they're so NOT. Lena Olin lends more weight to the words "in good faith" than an Episcopalian priest at a retreat weekend for wayward teens.