Cipher

Previously on Alias: We were tortured by an achingly slow musical interlude involving Bob Dylan and his squeaky guitar. That pretty much wiped out any other memories of that show I might have retained.

Agent Sean gives us the voice-over once-over yet again. We get it. Are they gonna do this damn montage EVERY time? God. I'm already irritated, and it's only three seconds into the episode. Before we join the current episode, we're treated to a re-introduction of my ex-boyfriend Sark as he shoots down those guys in the warehouse. I'm guessing this scene is being shown so that when Sark shows up later in the episode, the members of the audience who haven't spent the last year of their lives drooling over any mention of David Anders will know just who in the hell Sark is. All I know is, my new boyfriend Viggo Mortensen was less than pleased when he found several pairs of Sark's plaid boxers shoved into the back of one of my dresser drawers. Viggo should count his blessings that he didn't come across the SCARY underwear. Shhh, Viggo. Your sweetie-pie is working.

Right. So we have to follow Sydney while she takes The Double Agent Requires Special Three-Hour Covert Entry route to the Operations Center. This is done primarily to remind us all of just how secret the Operations Center is and, more importantly, to illustrate that Jennifer Garner is indeed in TOP physical condition. Seriously. She and Madonna should go one-on-one. I'd put my money on Madonna, but that's only because I think she was born with a natural rage that Jenny just ain't got. And, besides, Madge has to wrassle with Guy on a regular basis, so her dirty tricks are probably well honed.

Syd makes it into the Ops Center, and Kendall greets her with far more warmth than he's EVER shown her, even thanking her for making it in on such short notice. And now, for those of you out there keeping count, Kendall offers us our first mention of how difficult it must have been for Sydney to speak with her mother last week. That's Number One, people. Make a list. There are more coming.

Kendall says something about how, even though it was rough for Syd, she'll have to agree that the intel Irina offered was well worth it. "I thought so," says Syd rather smugly. "Until an hour ago." Kendall's all, whuh? Syd's all, yeah, that camera you had me steal from Fjordson's lab while sporting the Betty Page wig? It's an early prototype, you balding dingbat. The real camera's scheduled to be launched into orbit in just seventy-two hours.

Kendall quietly picks up a headset and chews on it, then requests that someone shove one of their high-tech PDAs directly up his ass. Then he asks Syd just who in the HELL is launching this camera into space? We pay a visit to The Conference Room Of Endless Expositions as Sloane answers Kendall's question. "The Asiatic Space Agency," he says. And, yes, it's "Asiatic," not "Adriatic." Ron Rifkin has excellent diction, and there is no "d" anywhere in that sentence.

Sloane goes on to say something about how the ASA is staffed mainly by displaced Russian scientists, and their latest client is my ex-boyfriend, Sark. Or, as Jennifer Garner is forced to say for everyone out there who isn't familiar with my former lover's precious blond countenance, "Sark." Dixon wants to know why Sark's interested in launching a satellite. Well, according to Marshall, this particular satellite is equipped with a terahertz imaging camera. What in the hell does that mean? It means that the camera is capable of seeing through solid matter up to a depth of one hundred meters. In other words, it's equipped with the camera that Sydney thought she stole. Get it? Or should I have Viggo show up at your house with a terahertz imaging camera-shaped anvil?

Oh, and I looked up "terahertz imaging" on Google and it does in fact exist. This, and the fact that I'm spending ANY time looking up words on the internet that are used during Alias, disturbs me greatly.

Speaking of disturbing, Sloane demands that they find out just what it is Sark is looking for. Back at the Ops Center, Syd informs First Mate Forehead and Kommandant Kendall that Sloane wants her and Dixon to infiltrate the launch site in Sri Lanka and hack into the satellite, so that SD-6 can keep tabs on just what it is that Sark is looking for. Agent Amorous says something about checking with the CIA tech department about hacking into the satellite, so that the CIA can also keep tabs on just what it is that Sark is looking for. Kommandant Kendall points out that, while hacking into the satellite is a fine preliminary step to take, the CIA will want to know precisely what Sark's looking for BEFORE the satellite is launched. And then he just looks at Sydney. In that way. No, not THAT way. More like, "Dude? Can you do me a solid?" Syd knows immediately what he's on about. "You want me to talk to her again," she says.

Yeah. Yeah, he does. But, like, since you gave her your little "you'll address me as 'Agent Bristow' from here on out do I make myself CLEAR" speech, it really shouldn't be a problem, now should it? Kendall seems to agree with me, because he goes on to say something about how Sark's assumed control of her mother's operations -- "Please stop referring to her as my mother," snits Sydney. Why? She IS your mother. And by the way, if you want everyone to stop referring to her as your mother, then perhaps YOU should stop referring to her as YOUR MOTHER. I don't have time to go back through every episode I have on tape, but I bet I'd need more than ten fingers to count how many times Syd used the words "my mother" in reference to, well, HER MOTHER.

Kendall switches to "Derevko," but still insists that Syd talk to her. Syd's all, I talked to her before 'cuz y'all MADE me; I'm not doin' this on a regular basis, mmm-kay? Kendall pulls the Valiant Vaughn card and turns to Commander Cuteness for his opinion. Vaughn, caught between pissing off the woman he wants to see naked and the man who could fire his ass, just says, "Uh, I don't have an easy answer to that." "I'll take a complicated one," sneers Kendall. Hee.

Now, for those of you not paying attention, like, EVER, Vaughn makes a quick little speech about all the wrongs that Irina's been responsible for in the past. Like betraying her country. Like killing Vaughn's daddy. Like making prison garb look sexy. Syd's all nodding and backing Vaughn up like, "Yeah! That's right! You tell him, honey!" Before Syd can start giving Vaughn high-fives, however, he starts talking about how Irina is a certified Rambaldi expert and probably knows more on the subject of global organized crime than any other person in U.S. custody. Syd just looks at him, her expression saying, "Oh, man. You done gone and NOT gotten my back, BITCH! What is UP wit dat? Why you gotta be so mean?"

By the way, does anyone know how I can become a certified Rambaldi expert? There's a school over on Fullerton that offers certification for massage therapy, but I haven't seen anything about Rambaldi expertise. And while we're on the subject, can a layman actually BE the most knowledgeable person on the subject of global organized crime? I mean, can you get a degree in that and put it to use in the corporate world? Or do you just have to maim and kill people and take over small countries? I mean, like, is it practical knowledge?

Ahem. Anyway, Virtuous Vaughn saves his ass by wrapping up his speech with a statement about how he and Syd were effectively countering SD-6 before Irina even showed up and he'll stand behind whatever decision Sydney makes. Way to ensure the future nookie sessions, Captain Non-Courageous. Syd slightly smiles at him as if to say, "Yeah. That's right. You're my bitch."

Kendall pipes up again to say something about how he appreciates that Syd's caught in the middle of "all this," but he can guarantee that as soon they find out what Irina knows, Syd will never have to speak to her mother again. That's officially Number Two, for those of you with pads of paper at the ready. Syd just looks at Kendall, her eyes burning with the fury of a woman who most CERTAINLY will NOT be talking to her MOTH-- oops, I mean IRINA DEREVKO.

Hey, it's Dr. Nancy! Where's Elliott and those two really annoying -- I mean, "adorable" kids? Did Hope and Michael finish their house yet? I mean, that was a project that lasted YEARS, wasn't it? What ever happened with Miles? What? What's that? Oh, you're not doing that show anymore? Oh. I thought it was still on. What's that you say? Ohhhh. I'm now actually "thirtysomething" so I no longer need to watch thirtysomething on TV? Wow. This explains so much

In an effort to illustrate to the viewing audience just how damn cold it is on the back lot at ABC studios, the makeup crew has stapled plaster of Paris all over the faces of Sydney and Dixon and their nameless cohorts. This plaster of Paris is supposed to represent snow. It doesn't. It represents plaster of Paris.

Dixon shouts over the wind machine that he can't detect any other people in the immediate vicinity. "Looks good!" he shouts, wondering why, just ONCE, he couldn't be assigned to a job that allows him to parade around in a cute outfit complete with wicked-cool sunglasses. "We're all alone out here!" he states. Dixon then directs the two hapless soon-to-be-dead team members to guard the other two entrances. Syd moves off to enter the caverns. Dix instructs her to watch her step. "You fall through the ice, it'll freeze over in four seconds!" "Good to know!" Syd yells, echoing my sentiments exactly, and with almost the same intonation. She enters the cavern.

Speaking of caverns...Uncle Unbalanced is hanging out at his desk, minding his own business and plotting the destruction of the universe, when his phone rings. He picks up. The line is full of static and fuzzy voices. Inspector Insane hits the hang-up and asks whomever answers for a trace on the call he just received. Seconds later, the voice comes back and informs Monsieur Non Compos Mentis that the call came from the Baranca Bed & Breakfast in Sonoma County, California. Arvin "Nutsy" Sloane holds the phone in his hand and wonders whether or not it's about time he stopped taking all those crazy pills.

Back in Siberia, Dixon's requesting that all of the guards report in. They do. They're all alone out there. Or are they? Dix checks in with Syd. She informs him that she's flying solo on this one. Or is she? She's entering an ice cavern that resembles that remote ice cavern Superman visited with all those video-laden ice crystals. Remember? When Superman entered the ice cave and touched the plastic ice crystals and they moved and he was treated to movies starring Marlon Brando? Or was that just me on a mushroom-induced hallucination, thinking my Tupperware housed rare Brando footage?

Well, Superman's nowhere in sight and Syd's still sporting the ridiculous fur hood and the plaster of Paris facial snow, so perhaps it was just the 'shrooms. Syd finally comes upon the music box, just sitting in the middle of an ice bureau, untouched by the elements. Syd informs Dix that the ice in the tunnel's a little shaky, so she's going radio silent until she passes through. Yeah, it doesn't make sense to me either, but Dix buys it, so who the hell cares?

As Syd's preparing to futz with the music box, Irina's in her cell, performing a series of non-yogic push-ups. Lena Olin? Who's your trainer, girl? Because you have arms that I would KILL for! Irina hears the gates open to her cell. She turns and sees Jack standing in front of the glass. She breaks her exercise routine and gets up to greet him.

"Hey. How are ya? How's things been since I disappeared in my false death? Did you water the plants? Are you eating well? What'd you do with my TV Guide subscription? What's happening on Knots Landing?" Irina says, whipping up a batch of martinis. "Oh, I'm good," says Jack, lighting a cigarette. "I've developed a taste for grain alcohol and a deep-seated sense of morality, but I did manage to water the plants and the ferns are in GREAT shape! I order in, mostly, but the food from Spoon Thai is really fresh and exciting. Sorry to say, I let the TV Guide subscription lapse; you were always more into the shows than I was. And I hate to be the one to tell you this, but Knots Landing? Gone, baby. Gone." Irina just laughs and pours Jack a drink and they spend the couple of hours chatting about the years they've missed.

Actually, Irina just gets up, and she and Jack stare at each other for a good solid minute before Irina opens her mouth. "I've had a picture of your face in my mind for twenty years," she says seductively. "I remember a loving husband. A generous man. A patriot." Jack glares at her. "I may have been under orders," she continues, "to fabricate a life with you, but there were times when the illusion of our marriage was as powerful for me as it was for you. Especially when Sydney was born. Looking at you now, I see that illusion has finally gone." "I want to make something very clear to you," gruffs Jack, in a way that suggests he has an AK-47 hidden behind his back and he will MAKE it clear if need be. "There are people here who believe you can repay the debt you owe this country through your continued cooperation. I am not one of them. And if Sydney, in any way, becomes victim to your end game, I will kill you." Irina just smiles at him. "She's spent most of her life believing you were dead," he continues. "She'll get used to it again. No matter what 'bond' you try to forge with her."

Jack turns to leave. As the gates screech open, Irina delivers her parting blow. "You haven't told her what you did to her after I disappeared, have you?" Jack stops momentarily. Irina just glowers at him from behind her glass cage. He leaves, finally, knowing that, yet again, his bitch of an ex-wife has bested him.

Meanwhile, Syd's knocking the lock off the metal container. Inside is the ancient Rambaldi music box. Syd checks in with Vaughn and pulls the music box out of the container. She flips the lid and reveals an archaic version of a turntable. Both Kendall and Vaughn are listening in. "Stand by," she says. "I'm going to enter the code my mother gave me." Look. I don't mean to be a stickler for these things but, like, wasn't Syd all "don't refer to her as my mother" earlier in the show? If she has such a problem with the whole "mother" issue, well, shouldn't the writers stick with it throughout, at least, THE EPISODE? Like, shouldn't she be saying, "I'm going to enter the code Derevko gave me"? I mean, considering Syd's penchant for using last names and all, it would seem more normal, and certainly more cohesive as the story goes, for Syd to refer to her mother by her given Russian name.

I'm just sayin'.