Well, it was bound to happen sooner or later. I'm notorious for being the recapper with the most VCR issues. Just ask Sars. It's either power outages or programming problems or bad tapes or wrong channels or busted machines; you name it, I've experienced it. But after setting up my apartment with not one, not two, but THREE VCRS last year, I thought my problems were over. And they were. Alias lifted the curse. That is, until last week, when I had one tape recording in the living room and another tape recording back here in the office where I was watching the -- oh, shit. I forgot to start recording. Oh, no biggie. I'll just use the tape in the other room -- oh, shit. I taped over it with that breast cancer Oprah for my mom.
Oh, fuck it.
The first five minutes of this weeks recap come to you courtesy of Wendy Kroy, who kindly watched it while I was on the phone and relayed every single second. It probably won't be as detailed as you'd like but, at this point, y'all are lucky to get it at all. And, quite frankly, if the show hadn't contained the hilarious Foolie/Spy Daddy comedy jokes moment, I probably wouldn't have bothered at all. So there.
We start off with rain. And SUVs. And lots of U.S. Marshals. Spy Mommy's in the back of a van, shackled, but still sexy as hell. The marshals pull Irina out and escort her into a facility. She's shuffling along because of the shackles and she's wearing this drab gray outfit, but she still manages to look dignified and lovely. J.J. Abrams better be giving thanks to Allah or Buddha or Confucius or whomever that Lena Olin agreed to do this show. Let's all try to imagine Anne Archer or Mimi Rogers or someone like that in the role of Irina Derevko. Not even close, huh? Yeah, J.J. Keep giving thanks there, stud muffin. And when you're done, give some more.
Spy Mommy is placed in a cell that, while it doesn't have a feather bed or track lighting, still has a rather retro government green frosted glass panache. Spy Mommy's not nearly as fond of it as I am, however, and shows her displeasure by giving everyone around her dirty looks. Seeing as she's shackled, however, the suggested imminent danger is slightly muffled. Kind of like when you flip someone the finger when their back is turned.
Bungalow Of Bawling And Pointless Plots. Spy Daddy rings the doorbell. and Foolie answers the door wearing a stupid red shirt. I actually didn't have a thought about the shirt either way, but Wendy Kroy thought it was stupid, so there ya are. Foolie has a bunch of paint chips in her hand, and she starts chittering on at Spy Daddy about her restaurant. "Okay, say you're hanging out at your favorite neighborhood restaurant with friends--" Foolie looks at Spy Daddy, who clearly has NEVER hung out with ANYONE in his ENTIRE LIFE. She sort of stutters and goes, "Or, you know, whatever. What color are the walls?" Looking for all the world like he'd much rather be hanging upside down above a pool of piranhas while receiving an orange juice enema, Spy Daddy just looks around the room and says, "I don't really go in for interior decorating. And shut up, Foolio." Hee. I just like typing that. Okay, "Foolie" is being upgraded to "Foolio." That's just damn funny. Anyway, Foolio gets the point and yells to Syd that her dad's here and he's totally freaking her out so could Syd hurry it up a bit before Foolio beats him over the head with a carpet sample book?
Syd's in the bathroom, putting a bandage the size of a loose-leaf notebook on her Spy Mommy-induced bullet wound. If I were Syd, I'd totally have a doctor look into that. The wound keeps appearing and disappearing. That's just not right. It's probably a lot more serious than just your plain old bullet wound. It's probably a magical bullet wound. Maybe Syd should go see a shaman or something. Syd leaves the bathroom and greets her father. As they're exiting together, Spy Daddy says something to Foolio about the color white meaning death to most eastern cultures and that perhaps Foolio should look into the color red for the restaurant walls. Foolio likes this suggestion, and goes on to remind Syd that Will's drug hearing is at 2 PM. Then she blithers on about how she'd like to kill the person who introduced Will to heroin with her bare hands. Spy Daddy starts imagining the orange juice enema again. Syd mercifully pulls him out the door.
Spy Daddy informs Syd that her mother's at a joint task force facility. Syd could really give a shit. "How are you?" he asks sincerely. "The wound's healing, if that's what you meant," she snaps. "Actually, it wasn't," he responds. This is actually a really nice moment between them. Syd just tells him that she's fine and thanks for asking.
Londontown. Uncle Arvin's hanging out with the Alliance Boys (not to be confused with the Backstreet Boys, or any other "boy band," for that matter). That icky blond guy with the universal accent is back again, this time welcoming Uncle Arvin into the group as an official member of the Alliance. He starts lying immediately when he announces that Uncle Arvin is a man of integrity and courage. Yeah. Because pulling the plug on your wife in order to get ahead at the office is a major component of courageousness.
As Icky Blond Guy continues blathering on about how valuable Sloane's evil doings have become, some dude who resembles F. Murray Abraham walks up to Uncle Arvin and sets down a silver plate that's loaded with a vial of lidocaine, a dish with some kind of capsule in it, and some twisted version of an ear piercing gun. Sloane just sort of looks down at it and then straight ahead, setting his jaw, managing to show us that, while he knew this was coming, he still ain't all that pleased about it. Ah, Ron Rifkin. How I missed your subtle acting ways during the summer hiatus. Blah blah blah, Sloane's just the kind of eeeevil we've been looking to add to our inner circle. Bling blam blooey, real sorry to hear about Auntie Em's death, dude. Flim flam flummox, gee, thanks Icky Blond Guy, that means a hell of a lot coming from you, since it was YOU who basically forced me to do it, you king-sized prick. One of the other Alliance guys pipes up and asks if Sloane was made aware of the initiation procedure and the reasons for it. Sloane's up to speed on the whole cyanide-capsule-hot-fuel-injection procedure, yeah. F. Murray wastes no time in shooting the capsule directly into Sloane's neck. Ew. Oh, and EW.
Welcome to the Alliance, dude. Here's your toaster.
Subbasement Of Dreams And Desires. Syd's telling her non-boyfriend about Sloane's initiation. She's convinced that Sloane killed Auntie Em in order to facilitate his rise to the top. "Killing his wife wouldn't surprise me," says Vaughn. "Eating his wife wouldn't surprise me." Hee! Syd surmises that, since the Alliance thinks Spy Mommy's in hiding and they know Khasinau's dead, they're gonna want any assets they can get their hands on in regards to Spy Mommy's vulnerable operation. Vaughn's all, so, like what do you suggest? Oh, and your hair looks really, really nice today. Sydney's all, yeah, right, thanks. Oh, and my mother used blackmail extensively in her operation. She'd get dirt on people and force them to give her what she wanted. Pornographic photos (yay!), illegally obtained audio files, names, dates -- they're all on one disk. That seems awfully stupid, now doesn't it? Everything she EVER used all on ONE little disk? Wait. Did I just question the reality of Alias? I must not be drunk enough yet. Wait. I'm not drunk at ALL! Julio! JULIO! Ah, vodka…just leave the bottle…
Vaughn's all, so, like, what does the Alliance want? The porn? Because that's what I'd want. Speaking of porn…Syd's all, keep your pencil in your pocket, flyboy. Sloane wants the disk, yeah, and you know what that means, don't you? Yeah. We're going back in time to The Conference Room Of Endless Exposition to learn about Sydney's mission.
Turns out the itty-bitty disk in question was taken to a vault at a hotel in Rabat. Also at the hotel is one of Spy Mommy's operatives, Mohammed Naj. The operation's simple: break into the vault and retrieve the disk. Yeah. If by "simple" you mean "easier than microscopic brain surgery." Then we're back with the lovebirds and Syd's telling Vaughn that her flight leaves at sex. I mean, "six." Vaughn tells her that he'll contact her with the counter mission no later than threesome. I mean, "three."
Syd gets up to leave and asks about Weiss. Turns out they didn't kill off Greg Grunberg after all. He's going to be fine. Despite being SHOT IN THE NECK BY SPY MOMMY. Meanwhile, Vaughn's supposed to take care of Weiss's fish. Yeah. Because a guy like Weiss would have FISH. If by "fish" you mean "rabid Rottweilers." Vaughn's cell phone rings, and he picks up and quickly gives someone the okay to enter The Subbasement Of Dreams And Desires. Unfortunately, that "someone" is none other than Kendall, the FBI dickhead played by "Terry "Hey, It's That Shadowy Government Figure!" O'Quinn. Syd's none too pleased about this new guest, saying that she doesn't trust Kendall because, if we all recall, he's the one that arrested Syd not too long ago. "He thinks I'm the devil!" Sydney hisses. Vaughn looks like he wants to say, "I don't think you're the devil, Syd. But I do think I'd sell my soul just to get a look at your --" But he doesn't have a chance, because Kendall enters. Vaughn gets all pissy with him, asking if Devlin approved this meeting. Kendall just looks at him as if he's toe jam and says, "No, I'm sorry. I don't have time to go through channels. And stop looking at me like that. I'm not gonna kiss her or anything."
Kendall turns to Syd and says something about how Spy Mommy's surrendered and agreed to cooperate. Syd wants to know if that means Spy Mommy handed over The Bible. Unfortunately, nope. And as it turns out, she won't talk about it either. She's not talking at all. Syd's all, well, now isn't that just a fine kettle of fish. Too bad for you, eh? I'm off to get my highlights retouched. Later!
Kendall's not finished. He goes on to say that Spy Mommy is actually willing too talk. But she's only willing to talk to Sydney. Syd repeats the thing about her highlights and adds that she's having them retouched in the South of France and isn't that just dumb luck for him? Kendall's all, yeah, tell it to someone who gives a shit, sister; you're TALKING to your mother if I have to DRAG you there myself. Valiant Vaughn steps in and tells Kendall that he can't just drag his non-girlfriend outta there and MAKE her talk to her mother. Kendall says that, actually, he can do exactly that. Syd ignores Kendall and turns to Vaughn. "Are we through?" Kendall continues yammering on about national security blah blah blah. Vaughn just turns to Syd and says, "Yeah. We're through. But not, you know, 'through' like 'we'll never see each other naked' or anything like that. Right?" "Right," says Syd. "I'll wait to hear from you." She glares at Kendall one last time and bolts.
Kendall looks like he's about to snap Vaughn's head off his neck like a Pez dispenser, but instead just informs him that he knows alllll about Vaughn's participation in "Operation Bust Sydney Out Of Federal Custody." "Convince her to talk to her mother or face charges on obstructing justice and harboring a fugitive." Having dropped his bomb, Kendall goes to leave. "Guess it's two-for-one day on blackmail," snits Vaughn. Hee. Looks like Vaughn's decided to purchase a new set of heavy-duty brass balls!
Yay! The old opening is back, complete with the kickin' theme music. Ow. I think I pulled something.
Courtroom For Heroin Addicts And The Girls Who Love Them. Will's being sentenced. And Bradley Cooper is doing an Armani suit some serious justice. Will pleads guilty to the charges, and receives a sentence that involves a drug treatment program and one hundred hours of community service. God, he looks so sad. Someone should hold him. Excuse me. I have to make a few phone calls. Does anyone have the phone number for Bradley Cooper's agent? I'd like to perform a little community service myself.
Back in The Subbasement Of Dreams And Desires, Vaughn's showing Syd some necklace that's actually a sub-vocal mic that will allow the CIA to listen in on all conversations between Dixon and Syd while they're on assignment. "Oh, and as soon as you can, I want you to go radio silent with him so you and I can talk," he concludes. I bet you do, Agent Amorous. Syd smiles and says, "Call waiting for spies!" Tee hee! Tee hee hee! Aw, they're so cute when they use their spy devices to flirt with each other. Agent Amorous goes on to explain that the blackmail disk is in a safe in Naj's suite on the fourth floor. Never mind that Sydney should really already know this from her SD-6 briefing. Because, like, why would they send her on a mission to retrieve a disk and not tell her WHERE it is? Yeah, I don't know either. Anyway, as soon as Syd gets the disk, she's supposed to give it to some other guy who's working undercover at the hotel. He'll be waiting for her on the third floor.
Okay, so, now Vaughn tells Syd that Sloane's probably looking for something specific on the disk, but they don't know what, so this undercover guy Schmidt will scan the disk, figure out what's on it, then hand over a bogus copy that's close enough to the original to fool Sloane. Yeah. Like THAT'S gonna happen. Because it only takes a couple of seconds to analyze a disk and make a copy that will fool someone as eagle-eyed as Arvin Sloane. What-EVER. "Or," says Vaughn shyly, "you could just ask your mother about the contents of the disk." D'oh! "Kendall must really be putting on the pressure for you to ask me that," says Syd in her throatiest you-little-toad voice. Vaughn's all, yeah, yeah he is. And then he blabs on about how this is what Syd's trained for -- compartmentalizing her emotions. Syd's not buying it. Vaughn tries the hard sell of how Syd wants to bring down SD-6 and how, if Spy Mommy can help, why shouldn't they use her? Syd's all, because I can't, because I won't, because her hair is glossier than mine. You think you could shut down when you're around Spy Mommy? Then YOU try it. I gotta go get a facial.
Vaughn pays a visit to Kommandant Kendall and tells him that he spoke to Sydney, and she's not too interested in chatting with Mommy. They enter into a little heated back-and-forth about Syd's history with her mother and how Irina shot Syd and could have killed her. Kendall seems to think that the "could have" in that sentence is rather important because, after all, she's Irina Derevko; she wants you dead, well, you're DEAD. Kendall also seems to think that, even though Spy Mommy's a bad-ass of the first order, now that she's in custody, well, she'll do anything they want her to. Kendall apparently had a whole lot of crazy oats for breakfast. Vaughn stares at a TV screen where Lena Olin is pacing back and forth in all her captured glory. "When she got done with my father," he says, his eyes not moving from the screen, "he could only be identified by his dental records." "Nevertheless…" says Kendall. Yeah, he says more than just "nevertheless." But it really doesn't matter, does it? Because when someone tells you that a sociopath basically MAULED their father, you really should just shut the fuck up and go get a cup of coffee or something.
After Kommandant Kendall spews out all sorts of useless sentences about national security and the CIA and Spy Mommy's operation, Virtuous Vaughn snaps, "If I can get her to talk, I don't want you to ask Sydney to see her ever again." Kommandant can't make that promise. "You're not the easiest guy to work with, are you?" asks Vaughn. And here, Terry O'Quinn makes the funniest damn face, as if to say, "Wow. No one's ever called me on that before. This kid's got moxie. Somebody get me a donut!" Kendall begrudgingly agrees with Vaughn that he's the biggest son-of-a-bitch to work for since, well, since Sloane, and walks off.
Rabat, Morocco. And, yeah, I had to look that up. Did YOU know where Rabat was located? I suppose I could have asked my lovely Moroccan cab driver the other night where Rabat was located, but I'd polished off three quarts of Stoli Vanilla in about thirteen minutes, so I wasn't in full control of my verbal skills. That, and I didn't KNOW Rabat was anywhere NEAR Morocco. The Techno Drums Of Impending Ass-Kicking are playing as we join Master Mohammed Naj in the lobby of the hotel. Dixon's hanging out there too, dressed in his finest "I'm Just Your Simple International Tourist Enjoying The Pleasures Of My Expense Account" white linen suit and baby blue t-shirt. Dixon communicates to Syd that he has a twenty on Naj, and Syd replies that she's coming in.
Boy, is she EVER. Dixon enters a phone booth and asks Syd if she's close. "I'm right behind you," she replies. Dixon turns and watches as Sydney sashays into the hotel looking like J. Lo after a bad weekend with Ben Affleck at Frederick's of Hollywood. Her hair, newly frosted and tendriled, is piled on her head, she's sporting an absolutely hideous pair of tinted sunglasses that I'm positive were buried with Gia Maria Carangi, and her dress of choice is a zebra-printed chemise that pushes her breasts up so far she could be wearing them as earrings. Oh, and the huge white bandage? Nowhere to be seen. I looked for it, too. I looked for the wound. I looked for ANYTHING that might not lead me to believe that the continuity team was smoking dope and playing Super Mario Sunshine on the day they shot this scene. No such luck. Syd continues to saunter in and very blatantly tucks her hair behind her ear. You know, just in case we missed this little habit of hers in the first episode of the season. Or, conversely, if we missed the same little habit showing up in her mother. And as an added bonus, for those of us out there who had an extra plate of stupid with their dinner, Dixon actually mentions the hair-tucking habit to Sydney herself. You know, just in case SYDNEY wasn't aware that she and her mother ARE THE SAME PERSON. Or, at least, RELATED.
Excuse me while I light my head on fire.
Sydney walks up to the concierge and, in a remarkably AWFUL Italian accent, tells him this ludicrously long story about injuring herself or something and how the last hotel she was at sucked rocks and how she hopes this one will be better. Meanwhile, Dixon's hacking into the hotel reservation system from the phone booth. Syd keeps the concierge busy by boring him with further details as Dixon deletes someone else's reservation so that Syd's shows up. Now, call me crazy, but couldn't they have done this BEFORE they arrived? I realize it looks all cool and shit, but -- I don't know, I think this could have been taken care of before they even left United States soil.
Well, whatever, Dixon handles the reservation, and Syd is escorted to the elevators. Then we hear Syd say something about having Naj's room key and she's on her way. The hell? Okay, if she had Naj's key then what the hell was all the reservation shit about? Like, there's not a hotel in the WORLD that you can't just walk into and roam around in. Seriously. Even if you don't have a key. My mother and I walked into this glittering Hyatt in New York one time and just wandered around, taking pictures. My mother's weird that way. Like, it was just a hotel and stuff, but it had fountains and lots of lights and she thought it was pretty. No, she's not retarded. She's just a whole lot of crazy in a small package. My point is -- and I do have one -- what was the reservation stuff? I rewound the tape, like, seven times, thinking that Dixon was erasing Naj's info and replacing it with Syd's, but no, that wasn't it. I just don't get it. And now I have a headache. Oh, wait, that's because my head's still on fire. Better put that out.
Ah, Julio. Thank you. Nothing soothes a third-degree burn like champagne. While you're up, ahem, bring Mommy a trough of Jagermeister. Mommy's confused, and she wants to create an A-bomb to hurl at her television set. Good, Julio. Good boy.
Oh. I see. I just rewound the tape again and doused my head in Veuve Clicquot. Sounds like Syd did a little tap dance on the concierge's head and THEN got the key. Okay. All righty then. Makes a little more sense now. Not much. But a little. I'm going to take a little break here and play with my chemical set. I hope this doesn't set off the fire alarm.
Back in Hell-Lay, Vaughn's making like Will Graham and walking down the long hallway to Hannibal Mommy's cage. He looks mighty nervous, but determined. He walks into the inner sanctum, and Lena Olin catwalks over to the glass that separates them, putting her hands up to the surface in an all-too-slinky fashion. It takes Vaughn a good solid minute before he can look her in the eye, and when he does, she just looks back at him like, "Yeah? What you gonna do about it, hot stuff? And you ARE hot stuff, by the way." Vaughn states his case on the disk. "We believe you're familiar with this item," he concludes. Irina doesn't respond, just looks at him in a way that makes ME uncomfortable, and I'm not even there. "That's an implied question," says Vaughn, "I'll make it clear for you. ARE YOU FAMILIAR with this item?" No, he doesn't shout. He's just REALLY enunciating and he sounds REALLY pissed. Oh, and hot. Did we mention the hot? Irina just cocks her head and looks at him. God, Lena Olin's ridiculously good at being seductive and dangerous at the same time. Vaughn would totally be dead if she weren't behind bars. And glass. And gates. And smoky-green colored windows that lend quite a refreshing tint to her tanned skin. "I know you want to see your daughter," spits Vaughn. "I can guarantee you that is never going to happen, unless she knows you're cooperating. Prove yourself. Give Sydney a reason to see you."
Irina sort of looks at Vaughn, assessing him. "Interesting," she says. Vaughn realizes his mistake. "Agent Bristow is in Rabat now, seeking to recover the list. Is there anything she should know?" "to the safe, there's a fire alarm," breathes Irina. "If you want to protect her, tell her to pull it first, then open the safe." "Why?" asks Vaughn. "I've given you a gift," she says, doing this sort of half-lidded thing with her eyes that is SO Hannibal, "and all you get from me is one." Vaughn goes to leave. "You look just like him," she says, doing what we ALL knew she was gonna do, but in such a way that TOTALLY freaks us all out. Vaughn stands facing the exit as Irina just blinks at his back. "Secure the prisoner," Vaughn tells the guard. The gate opens and Vaughn glances back quickly before leaving. Irina just stands there, touching her forehead seductively with her finger.
It's official. Lena Olin makes evil look tasty.
Okay. What in the HELL is Mickey Rourke doing in a car commercial playing SATAN? How sad is his career? How SAD is his FACE? Ew! His face looks like he borrowed it from the reject pile of the makeup department of Face/Off. Yuck. Mickey? Do us all a favor, okay? Go back to boxing on amphetamines and boinking airhead models that don't know any better. AND WEAR A MASK.
Right. So, Syd's finally made it to Naj's room with her zebra stripes intact. She pulls a device out of her bag, and we're whipped back to Marshall's Lair Of Lame Devices And Hilarious Hijinks as he explains just what it is that Syd's pulled out of her bag. It's a metal detector that will help Syd locate the safe. Luckily for her, it's just inside some armoire. And we're back with Marshall, as he explains how Syd's going to use a simple cell phone and a big metal Target lampshade to open the safe. And Marshall? He's funny as hell. Really. But it takes TOO LONG to write down his improvisational funny. I want to recap it but, since most of you watch the show religiously anyway, I'm guessing you already know how bizarrely funny it is. And if you don't, then it's called a VCR and I suggest you learn how to use it.
Syd sets up the lampshade and the phone and punches in the code (7-9-3-7-9-3 -- which spells "SYD", you know, just in case she forgets, because, like, the numbers correspond with the letters -- oh, you know that, right?) and waits for the device to do its magic. Meanwhile, Vaughn heads back to the CIA ops room where they're monitoring Sydney's progress. He wants to speak to his non-girlfriend. Unfortunately, she's not radio silent yet, so it's not possible.
Back with Syd at the safe and Marshall at the still-explaining. The device is working, and Marshall's telling her how it will work. We don't care. The point is, will Syd open the safe before Vaughn can get to her? The device has one more number to go, so Syd goes radio silent. As soon as she does, Vaughn's on the horn. He warns her not to open the safe and then asks her if there's a fire alarm on the wall. She looks. There is. Vaughn informs her that it's a failsafe and that she shouldn't open the safe until she's pulled the alarm. Sydney rightly thinks that there's something rotten in the state of Spy Mommy, and Kendall pokes his bald head in and states that her mother did indeed give them this information. Syd's all, so what? So I'm just supposed to pull the alarm and hope for the best? Are you HIGH? Vaughn's all, look, she killed my father, yeah, but I think she's for real on this one. Besides, she's HOT. Syd's convinced that her mother still wants her dead, so really, why should she listen to her? Kendall's all, dude? If she really wanted you dead, you'd be dead. Can we stop talking about this now? Syd wants to know if they talked to her father about this. Vaughn assures her that they did. "And what did he say?" she asks. "Your dad?" stutters Vaughn. Cut to Spy Daddy: "THE ANSWER IS NO!" Hee. Vaughn says, "All I'm asking is that you consider it!" Spy Daddy says, "CONSIDER THE SOURCE!" Oh, God. I just love it when Victor Garber goes ballistic. They go back and forth at each other until Spy Daddy says, "UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES DISCUSS THIS WITH MY DAUGHTER!" Gulp. It's a poorly constructed sentence, but still, gulp.
Vaughn tells Syd that her father can't be objective where her mother's concerned. "And you can?" snits Sydney. Vaughn claims that Irina has nothing to gain by lying. Kendall orders Syd to pull the fire alarm. Well, that's the kiss of death, right there. There's nothing that makes Syd NOT do something like a direct order from an asshole. She moves to the fire alarm as the device counts down to the final number. She's about to pull it and then, in the final moment, decides against it. The safe code's been deciphered. She opens the safe door and nothing happens. "See what I mean?" she says.
And that's when the alarm goes off.
Syd gets on the horn to Dixon and tells him that she's triggered an alarm. She asks him what he sees. Dixon tells her that Naj and his bodyguard are on their way up. He goes on to tell her to look for the disk and he'll handle Naj. Dixon overrides the elevator control panel and shuts the elevator down that's carrying Naj up to his room. Syd grabs the disk and her various devices and starts to head out, only to be confronted by a couple of guards. Guess what she does ? If you answered "kicks some guard ASS," you win a brand-new set of Space Bags. Complete with the extra set of Travel Bags!
Syd informs the CIA that she has the disk and is heading out. She starts walking down the hallway and sees her contact Schmidt coming toward her. They both smile at each other, and he holds out his hand. Syd's getting ready to hand over the disk when Dixon barrels in between them, interrupting the transfer. Schmidt just turns and walks up some stairs. Dixon asks if Syd has the disk, she answers in the affirmative, and they exit.
Kendall asks Schmidt if he got the disk. Nope. Syd and Dixon leave an elevator, and Syd hands over the disk as Dixon congratulates her on a job well done. Syd just looks after him like she's failed miserably and it's all her mother's fault!
Hell-Lay. Sloane's talking to Alain at the Alliance, telling him that SD-6 now has the blackmail disk. Sloane goes on to say something about a man named Peter Fjordson. I'm assuming the Nordic spelling because, well, because of what happens later in this episode, okay? Like, you all KNOW I don't watch this and recap it at the same time, right? Like, NONE of this is a surprise, right? You do know that, don't you? Sorry if I've burst your proverbial bubbles…anyway, apparently there are some rather, shall we say, disreputable photos on the disk. No, not of Fjordson. They're of his daughter, and judging by the rather smarmy expression on Sloane's face, they're pretty damn depraved. I don't know about you, but I'm thinking farm animals and a can of Silly String. Sloane tells Alain that he's leaving for Helsinki tonight because he wants to deal with Fjordson himself.
Subbasement Of Dreams And Desires. "I wanna talk to my mommy," says Syd. No, she doesn't really say that. Shut up. "I hate her, I don't understand her, I think she's a monster, but if she can help us bring down SD-6, then what I think is irrelevant." And here's the part where Vaughn and Sydney have their first lover's spat. Okay, so, maybe it's like their SEVENTH lover's spat. Still. She wants to see Irina, Vaughn doesn't think it's a good idea, Syd thinks it's because of her father, Vaughn says Spy Daddy has a point, blah blah blah. Basically, Vaughn underestimated how much strength it would take to be as icy-cold as Irina. He doesn't think it's going to be easy for Syd. "She is your mother, Sydney," he says in his not-trying-to-be-sexy-but-failing-miserably voice. "With all she's done, she is your mother." "Vaughn, if you're worried about me," says Sydney, "you don't need to be." Oh, but he does, Sydney. He does.
Silo Of Red Lights And Secret Entrances. Syd enters and gets the flashy-flash from the red light identifier. Soon thereafter, she takes a seat in Sloane's office so that Uncle Arvin can thank her for a job well done in Rabat. It's because of her that SD-6 now has the disk. Syd wants to know what was on it. Uncle Arvin tells her that there were horrible things. Private things. Involving parakeets and strategically placed RazzlesÔ.
Okay. I want you to pay attention here. Because it took me five rewinds to get this little speech. I did this because it is a seriously WRONG speech that illustrates how DISGUSTING Arvin Sloane is and how GOOD an actor Ron Rifkin is. "The disk is a collection. A physical manifestation of human weakness. A tool that some people…that your mother used to extract favors from those in power." Do you see how he did that? Do you? He's all, "some people," -- you know, some HORRIBLE people, like YOUR MOTHER. Not him, of course. He wouldn't do something like that. I mean, he wouldn't put something like that together. However, if it just, you know, LANDED in his lap, well…
Ew! Uncle Arvin wants to talk to Sydney about her mother, and he's coming over to SIT TO HER! Ew! EWWWWW! Uncle Arvin says something about Sydney seeing her mother in Taipei, and then he PICKS UP HER HAND AND HOLDS IT CLOSE TO HIS FACE. He's caressing it! EWWWW! Sydney's looking at Sloane holding her hand and wondering if there's a blowtorch nearby and if she could get away with burning Sloane's hand to a crisp without anyone noticing. "I just wanted to remind you that I am here for you," he says. "If you ever need to talk." Syd says thank you, and then Uncle Arvin leans down and KISSES HER HAND! EWWWW! Syd manages to get out of there without vomiting all over him and tells Spy Daddy in The Cadillac Of Confessions And Father-Daughter Relations that she wanted to cut her hand off at that very moment. So did we all, Sydney. So did we all.
Spy Daddy just wants to know if Sloane said anything else about the blackmail disk or why the Alliance wanted it. Syd's all, no! I just told you that Uncle Arvin slobbered all over my hand! Why can't you DEAL with the general ookiness of this situation? Oh, and why haven't YOU had a look at the disk? Turns out Sloane sent the disk to the Alliance. Oh, well. Syd states that she'll try to find out what's on the disk and why it's so important. "How are you going to do that?" asks Spy Daddy. "I'll ask Mom," states Sydney." "You've agreed to see her," Spy Daddy quietly fumes. "Yes," she says. Spy Daddy's all, she's the enemy! And she faked orgasm! Sydney's all, and so did Sloane! I mean, so is Sloane! The enemy, I mean. Syd and Spy Daddy go back and forth about whether or not Spy Mommy can be trusted. "The minute you start depending on her," he says, "she'll gut you." I believe that.
Oh. Aw. Awwww. Will's picking up garbage alongside the freeway with the other reprobates. He looks so sad and so…"Hello, Bradley Cooper's agent? Hi. This is Regina Rouge. Look there's something -- hello? Hello?" Bastard. I just want to HELP!
Hey. Remember all those times during episodes when there were lots of useless moments that did nothing but waste our time? Well, they're back! We're hanging with Foolio and Will as Foolio asks what happened to Will's face, which is sunburned. See, she's confused because Will's face is all red. She's not sure what that means. Oh, except that red is a really good color for restaurant walls. Maybe she can scrape off a bit of Will's face and take it to Sherwin-Williams so they can match it and she can spread the color of SUNBURN all over the walls of her stupid restaurant. So anyway, Foolio's asking Will how his community service went. Will's all, hanging out with a bunch of druggies and picking up copies of the paper I used to write for with a stick? It was great! Just great! I can't wait to do it again! Oh, and by the way, I saw you hanging out at a gas station with some guy in a dark suit. What was THAT all about? And Foolio's all, oh, that guy! Well, he's just a member of the Mafia who's helping me get an illegal liquor license. That's all. Want another water? Or perhaps a spoon and a syringe? "Wait, you're hanging out with the Gambino crime family and you're giving me grief about doing drugs?" Will asks. "Oh, it's so NOT the same thing," argues Foolio. "This scene is unnecessary and spoiling the very fine vodka buzz I have going so could we, like, move it along?" I say. Luckily, they listen to me and Will offers to help Foolio with her restaurant issues.
I know I'm harsh on these kinds of scenes but, like, it has NOTHING to do with disliking either Merrin Dungey or Bradley Cooper. I think they both rock. (Are you listening, ABC? I'm not just kissing ass, but, like, tell Merrin and Bradley that I think they're both fabulous actors and that Wendy Kroy wants to eat macaroons off Bradley's biceps and that an interview or even an autographed picture wouldn't be too much to ask, ya know?) It's just that these scenes act as a hiccup to the general ass-kicking action of Alias. Now, I know every episode can't be as heart-stopping and adrenaline-filled as fifteen minutes of Snatch, but could you, I don't know, TRY? For me? Just once? Thank you.
Spy Barbie? Meet Spy Mommy. Sydney's jogging through a park as we listen to Vaughn voice-over about what Sydney has to do to get to the underground facility where her mother's being held. Suffice it to say, she doesn't have to take the Red Line to Howard. Nope. She has to run past a homeless man, put a coin in his cup, head beneath an underpass, listen for an out-of-order phone to ring, clearing her of all surveillance, enter a memorized code into the phone pad, enter a storage container, go down a steep set of stairs, and then, a quarter of a mile later, she'll be at the operations center which, despite apparently being underground, has excellent natural light.
As Sydney enters, a nebbishy young woman by the name of Vicki Crane walks over to her and welcomes her to Oz. I mean, Operations Center. Vicki brings Sydney over to Kendall, who's very glad Sydney changed her mind. So are we all, Kendall. So are we all.
After donning a skimpy sweatshirt to cover up her skimpy sports bra, Sydney makes the long trek down Hannibal Hall toward her mother. It's made even longer by the slo-mo in operation. Clarice Starling -- sorry, I mean, "Sydney Bristow" grits her teeth and enters the lamb holding area outside of Irina's cell. Irina has apparently decided against the black tank top and black pants that she wore to greet Vaughn, and has instead opted for "incarceration chic," sporting her original outfit of drab gray over-shirt and drab gray capri pants.
Sydney steels herself for the confrontation. Irina turns to her. "You didn't pull the alarm" is all she says. Syd just looks away like she's being scolded. Irina walks over and says, "I wouldn't have pulled it either." Syd tries to be all business and demands to know about the contents of the disk. Irina does something that NONE of us were expecting. She TUCKS HER HAIR BEHIND HER EAR. I didn't see that coming. Did you see that coming? Wait. Does this mean that Sydney and her mother share some inherent traits? Does it? No! It couldn't mean that!
It could and it does. Sydney looks totally grossed out by this realization as her mother asks about the shoulder wound. Considering that Sydney just wore a spaghetti-strap slip in Rabat without any visible indication that she'd been wounded, like, EVER, I'd say the shoulder's fine. Syd's not falling for the Mommy-bait, however, and just asks again about the disk. "Peter Fjordson," states Irina. Syd's all, who? What? The hell? Irina goes on to explain that Peter has a file on the disk and that he's the man SD-6 will go after first. "Why?" asks Sydney. "One step at a time," says Irina. Okay, enough. ENOUGH. Enough with the Lecter-isms, okay? What is this? "Quid pro quo?" "I need to know why," snaps Syd. "No, you want to know why. There's a difference," says Irina. "Go after Fjordson. Trust me."
Oh-ho-ho! TRUST HER? Dude. I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her. And with my bad back, I shouldn't be throwing anyone. Syd seems to feel the same way, because she asks Irina why she should trust her. "Because I'm your mother," says Irina. That's it. That's enough for Sydney. And really, who can blame her? In approximately two seconds, Jennifer Garner shows us that Syd's about to hurl right there on the glass separating her from her birth mother.
As quickly as the steel bars can go up, Syd gets the hell out of there. As soon as she's out of the lockdown facility, she breaks. She's crying, but she's trying so hard not to let it out that she's thisclose to spewing all over the nice granite floors. Before we can see that, however, we go to a commercial for a car.
When we return, Syd's getting the lowdown on Fjordson. Okay, so here's what we know about him: he makes doodads. Expensive, ultra-technical, out-of-this-world doodads, but doodads nonetheless. He has this camera that he made that can do serious damage when it's attached to a satellite or some such shit. I don't know what the hell they're talking about. This camera can see into NORAD undetected or something. Fjordson faked production problems so that he could give the camera to Spy Mommy and erase whatever embarrassing information she held on him. Where does SD-6 enter into all this? I'm so glad you asked. With Spy Mommy out of the picture, SD-6 wanted the disk so they could commence with the Fjordson blackmail procedure. So it's now up to Vaughn and Sydney to jet off to Helsinki to get the camera. Yay! Spy Barbie and Action!Vaughn on a mission together! Wheeee!
Helsinki, City Of Icy Cool Decorating Schemes And Smokin' Hot Men. I'm not kidding. Did you even SEE the Olympics last year? Those Nordic men are scarily attractive. And they're all so fucking HAPPY. It's alarming. I turned off all the lights and their smiles provided more wattage than a spotlight. Mmmm…Norsemen…
Ahem. Sydney's entering what appears to be a very trendy bar. She's wearing her own personal version of a Devo wig, but with the added bonus of perky little upturned ends, and a furry-looking coat. She passes Vaughn on her way in, and he tells her something about guards changing shifts and how much time she'll have once they're gone. And Vaughn? He really should get out more. He is so damn sexy in his tone-on-tone dark suit that it's about eight shades of WRONG how hot I am for him right now. Apparently, I need a date.
Syd exits to the balcony and starts acting like a spy. She's cranking with the spy tools when Vaughn informs her that Sloane's in the hizzouse. Sloane greets Fjordson as Sydney fumbles with the hand brake on her spy ropey thing. It's panic time, because Sloane and Fjordson are making their way to the balcony. Vaughn conveniently intervenes and trips up a waiter, giving Syd the two seconds she needs to fix her shit. Syd swings over the wall just as Sloane and Fjordson walk out onto the balcony.
As Syd starts cutting through a window, Sloane puts the squeeze on Fjordson, showing him the disgusting pictures of his daughter interacting with some suckling pigs and several wayward Beanie BabiesÔ. Sloane wants the camera and he wants it now. Judging by the expression on Fjordson's face, the pictures are bad enough to provide Sloane with anything he wants. They exit the balcony and make their way down to Fjordson's lab.
Vaughn clues Sydney in on the whereabouts of Sloane and Fjordson as Sydney performs more super-cool spy tricks and enters the lab. Her hair is SERIOUSLY funky. I like the black, but the flip is driving me crazy. She looks like the little Dutch Girl or something. Anyway, she grabs the camera and starts to get the hell out of there, but just then the elevator arrives. There's nowhere for her to run! What's a girl to do?
Well, if you're Sydney, you haul your bony ass up into a crevice and hover over Sloane and Fjordson as they go to enter the lab. And if you're Sloane and Fjordson, you don't even notice the pale girl with the bad wig all dressed in black pressed up against an all-white wall. In fact, you don't even turn your head. You just stare straight ahead and wonder how it is that the muscles of your neck even work.
Syd makes it out with nary a scratch, and Fjordson's trying to explain to Sloane that he has no idea where his fancy-schmancy camera has gotten to. Sloane's not buying it, so he has one of his henchman shoot Fjordson in the leg and tells him to think about it. "Where could it be?" he asks calmly. Looks like Uncle Arvin's having a lot of fun with this whole "Member of the Alliance" role.
Back in Hell-Lay, we're inexplicably forced to listen to Bob Dylan sing "Shelter From The Storm" as Syd stalks down the hall of the Operations Center with the fancy-schmancy camera. She walks right over to Kendall and plops the camera down right in front of him. "We're on the same side," she rasps. "It's time you started acting like it." Then she stalks off.
That whiny little nebbish Vicki snivels up to Syd and starts yammering on and on about how Spy Mommy won't talk. To anyone. Ever. About anything. Syd just turns and throatily suggests that Vicki take a long walk off an inch-long pier. "If there's nothing else?" Syd concludes, and starts walking off. Vicki stops her. "The one thing she did ask was if someone would pass along her congratulations to you. She seemed really proud." Vicki finally skitters off in search of more sweater vests, and Syd just stares at the "windows" for a second. She seems to make a decision, and turns around.
Syd swivel-hips her way down the hallway toward her mother's cell. Once there, Syd launches into her "you may have given birth to me, but that don't mean SHIT" speech. "Let's get something clear," she says steadily. "You are not my mother. My mother was Laura Bristow. Laura Bristow died in a car accident twenty-one years ago. You are a traitor and a prisoner of the United States government." Irina just looks away, not all that impressed. "Look at me!" Syd rasps. Irina just looks over at her with this Mona Lisa smile that says oh so much. "We will interact only when necessary," continues Syd on her rampage. "You will address me as Agent Bristow and answer only the questions I ask. There will be no personal anecdotes, no comments about my job performance, no condolences or congratulations. Do you understand me?" Irina just stares at her. "Do you understand?" "Yes," says Spy Mommy with a smile, "Agent Bristow." Syd seems happy with this answer, looks like she's going to sob with satisfaction, and finally leaves. Irina just looks after her with the coldest eyes and a smile that suggests that she thought, "Aw, my little girl. She's all growed up! And she's a chip off the old block!"
on Alias: Agent Amorous and Willage meet! Spy Daddy tells Spy Mommy that he's gonna kill her! Sydney runs around looking pretty, yet pained!