Regina: Okay. You ready?
Wendy Kroy: Remote? Check.
Regina: Disgusting snack food? Check.
Wendy Kroy: Stoli Vanilla and Coke? Check.
Regina: LOTS of Stoli Vanilla and Coke? Check. And hallelujah.
Wendy Kroy: Hallelujah and amen, sister.
Regina: Many, MANY packs of cigarettes? Check. And, in homage to Aaron...flick. Aaaaahhh.
Wendy Kroy: Your cabana boy standing at the ready and sporting a delightful pair of canary yellow Capri pants that hug and contour of his plush little bottom in a most happy way and, thankfully, nothing else.
Regina: And YOUR cabana boy, standing at the ready, and sporting a delightful pair of WHAT IN THE HELL HAVE YOU GOT HIM WEARING?
Wendy Kroy: What?
Regina: Is that a gold lamé THONG he's wearing?
Wendy Kroy: Yeah. So?
Regina: SO? Dude, I'm trying to do a JOB here! And, seriously, thongs should be outlawed. For ALL sexes.
Wendy Kroy: Come on! Enrique has a fabulous butt! I just like him to show it off!
Regina: Oh, please. I think Viggo Mortensen has a fabulous butt; that doesn't mean I want to SEE BOTH SIDES OF IT SWELLING AROUND A PIECE OF GOLD LAMÉ DENTAL FLOSS. IN MY LIVING ROOM.
Wendy Kroy: Oh, right. Like, if Viggo showed up, right here, right now, and he was wearing a gold lamé thong, you wouldn't start drooling and jump him?
Regina: Hello? It's Viggo Mortensen, sister. He could be wearing a Hefty garbage bag, a pair of mismatched fishing boots and Batman mask and I'd jump him. But the thong? I'd probably scream first, rip it off him, and THEN jump him
Wendy Kroy: Okay, okay. We've established that you're not a fan of the thong. Fine.
Regina: I am not. And this is my house. Cover that heinie up, bitch.
Wendy Kroy:. God, you're testy.
Regina: You'd be testy too if you had to sit down and recap a show whose first twenty minutes REPEAT THE ENTIRE FIRST SEASON.
Wendy Kroy: Oh, calm down. That's why I'm here.
Regina: Why are you here again?
Wendy Kroy: To have fun.
Regina: This isn't FUN, Wendy.
Wendy Kroy: It is for me. Enrique! Bring Daddy a cocktail!
Regina: Oh, Jesus.
And thus it was that Wendy Kroy and I settled down to recap this, the premiere episode of the second season of the ass-kicking-est show around, Alias. The best part? Lena Olin. The worst part? The first fucking twenty minutes. Trust me on this.
Previously on Alias: There were twenty-two episodes. Sydney Bristow was a grad student recruited by the CIA but it was really SD-6 which was this totally evil secret agency run by this rodent of a man named Sloane and Sydney found out about it and turned rogue agent and wound up working for the CIA as a sort of double/triple agent, as it were, and so it is, and Syd's daddy is doing the same thing and then this hot CIA guy named Vaughn became her handler and Syd's idiot friends Will and Francie don't seem to realize that every time Syd gets a bruise or a cut or a limp, she didn't get them in a rambunctious company softball game, and then Will gets all Curious George on Sydney's ass and starts investigating her fiancé's death and then gets his ass kidnapped by the Sadistic Tooth Fairy and Spy Daddy breaks him out and Syd breaks a big red ball and it splooshes out all over the place and Vaughn gets trapped and presumably dies and Sydney gets conked and winds up clamped to a chair and "The Man" walks up only "The Man" is not a man after all. The Man is The Mom.
Already knew all that? Yeah. SO DID WE. That's why we WATCHED THE FIRST TWENTY-TWO EPISODES. But, in an effort to bring everyone up to date who hasn't seen the show, it would seem that J.J. and crew decided to make my job easier by recapping the whole first season in the first twenty minutes of the episode. They cleverly wound it all around some therapy session with Syd and Dr. Nancy, but it still amounted to a flashback episode. If there weren't some seriously hilarious lines peppered throughout, I wouldn't even bother recapping it. I really wouldn't.
But I'm all about the funny. So I'll offer a truncated version of the first twenty minutes in order to bring you the funny. Laugh, dammit.
Sydney. Basement. Chair. Khasinau. We've seen it all before. Except, this time, when The Mom enters, she's not some silhouetted actress. She's Lena Olin. And she is GORGEOUS. Seriously. I wanna look like her when I'm forty-six. Hell, I wanna BE her when I'm forty-six. Anyway, Spy Mommy kinda cocks her head at Sydney and says something about Sydney knowing this day would come. "I could have prevented all this, of course," continues Spy Mommy. "You were so small when you were born. It would have been so easy."
Well, I guess Mama Bristow isn't about to win any "Mother of the Year" awards. Syd seems to think as much because she gets rather uppity with her mother. But, see, the only problem with this is that when you get uppity with Spy Mommy, you don't get your Shaun Cassidy albums taken away. You get shot. Spy Mommy asks Syd to spill the beans on who sent her. "Or what?" snips Syd. "I'm grounded?" Hee. Spy Mommy's not laughing, however. Bang!
Wendy Kroy: Okay, THAT was fantastic.
Regina: No argument here.
Wendy Kroy: My favorite line of the show. Hands down.
Regina: I might just have to agree with you.
Wendy Kroy: More vodka?
Regina: You need to ask?
Syd's down for the count, bleeding out her hole (heh heh) and wah-wahing about it. Spy Mommy stalks up on her three-inch heels and orders her daughter to think about it and she'll come on back and check on her in a bit. Oh, and does she want anything? You know, like milk and cookies? Or plasma? Spy Mommy hoofs it and Syd continues boo-hooing.
And now for something completely annoying.
Yes, Dr. Nancy's back. And she's leading us on a journey of self-discovery and tedious repetition. For our convenience and my sanity, I will heretofore refer to all useless regurgitation portions of this show as a DR. NANCY MOMENT IN WHICH WE DEAL WITH ____________. The blank will be filled in by whatever topic we already know everything about, i.e. Willage getting 'napped and beaten up. Okay? Okay.
So Syd's in Dr. Nancy's office, her arm all bandaged up. Or didn't you think that Syd made it out of Mommy's clutches? Dudes, it's called Alias, not Spy Mommy. So Dr. Nancy's trying to get all psychoanalytical on Syd's behind but Syd's more concerned with the search for Vaughn. The search for Vaughn that SHE wasn't invited to. She's all squirrelly about it and Dr. Nancy just wants to know how Syd escaped from Spy Mommy. Niiiiice, Dr. Nancy. Syd's just ripe for a little Freudian exploration and you're all, "Yeah, yeah, yeah. What about the ass-kicking?!"
Wendy Kroy: Yeah. What ABOUT the ass-kicking?
Regina: It's coming.
Wendy Kroy: I'm bored.
Regina: Just drink more.
Wendy Kroy: That'll make it less boring?
Regina: No. But it'll make your vision all blurry which will certainly make it LOOK more interesting.
Back in the Dungeon of Dastardly Deeds, Syd's still chained to the chair, bleeding out her hole (again, heh). Quicker than you can say, "Hey, that basement's full of lots of conveniently-left-behind tools and the walls seem to be completely sound-proof 'cuz Syd's making lots and LOTS of noise," Syd's managed to bust her way out of the chair, rigged up some tank to blast the door open, and leapt out of the room, all while gushing blood from her wound.
Wendy Kroy: Where IS everyone?
Regina: They're probably drinking, just like us.
Wendy Kroy: I mean, I know suspension of disbelief is a way of life with this show, and I really DIG that about it, but, um, WHAT? Her mother just shot her two seconds ago, she's BLEEDING, and yet she manages to clank her way out of that chair without a SINGLE PERSON ENTERING THE ROOM?
Regina: Shhh. Pass the Cheez-in-a-Kan.
Wendy Kroy: Why aren't YOU screaming at the screen like you usually do?
Regina: Mmmph. Cheez.
Wendy Kroy: REGINA! Sydney just picked up a WRENCH that someone LEFT BEHIND on a WELL-STOCKED worktable! SAY SOMETHING!
Sniping aside, Jennifer Garner rules in this scene, managing to convey pain and steely determination while kicking ass and taking names. Are you listening, Emmy Nomination Committee? PAY ATTENTION.
"And you did all this with a bullet in your shoulder?" balks Dr. Nancy. "Yes," says Sydney, whipping some nunchakus out of her pocket. "And you should see what I can do with my arm in a sling." Actually, she just says something about adrenaline. I'm pretty sure that, besides cluing newbies in on the premise of the show, Dr. Nancy's only other purpose here is to ask the questions that we the audience would ask of J.J. and Team. Because, yeah, she had a bullet in her shoulder and, yeah, we don't believe she could have done all that ass-kicking. Does it make us like the show any less? Hell NO.
Back in Taipei, Syd calls Spy Daddy, who promptly tells her that Vaughn ain't around and that she should get her ass on the getaway plane. Syd tells Daddy to stuff it and hoofs it over to the Red Ball Arena where Vaughn supposedly bought the farm. Willage, cooling his heels while icing his wounds, looks over at Spy Daddy and says, "Who's Vaughn?" This allows for a DR. NANCY MOMENT IN WHICH WE DEAL WITH VAUGHN AND HIS UNTIMELY NON-DEMISE AND WE ARE REMINDED HOW MUCH WE LOVE VAUGHN AND HOW AWESOME THESE ACTORS ARE.
Back to the past-present, where Syd's boldly entering the Red Ball Arena, dressed in a HAZMAT suit. Now, you'd think that covering herself with a big-ass clunky HAZMAT suit would be enough of a disguise, wouldn't you? Of course you would. If she'd, oh, I don't know, REMOVED THE BLUE WIG. Whatever. The scene's only two seconds long. I'm just thinking that all the other dudes in the HAZMAT suits might, ya know, NOTICE a little blue-haired chick. Kind of. Maybe. IF THEY WEREN'T ON CRACK.
After a shot of the Barbie jet flying across a matte painting, we get a shot of Spy Daddy giving Syd a shot in the arm. No, not THAT kind of shot. A painkiller kind of shot. Daddy asks about the guy who shot her. Syd's all, wasn't a guy, dude. It was MOM. Victor Garber manages to look both surprised and completely pissed off, while still conveying a moderate sense of, "Oh, reaaaalllly? Wonder what the bitch looks like now?"
Syd goes on to say that she got the impression that Khasinau worked for Mom, not the other way around. Will leans forward and says, "Uh, excuse me, did you say your mother shot you?" Spy Daddy doesn't miss a beat and just snaps, "Sit down!" Hee.
Wendy Kroy: I was wrong. That's my favorite line of the show.
Regina: I might just have to agree with you.
Wendy Kroy: More vodka?
Regina: Questions. Always with the questions.
Wendy Kroy: I'll take that as a resounding yes. Enrique? Mas Stoli, por favor. And this time, shake your ASS.
Just then, Francie calls. Why? BECAUSE SHE'S LAME. There is no reason for her to call right then, except to announce to all of us out there who haven't been paying attention that Sydney has people in her life that she has to lie to about the reality of her situation. Like, Francie's all, "Where are you?" And Syd's all, "Coming back from San Francisco." Then Francie blah-blahs about Will and how he's gone missing and how he published some article on SD-6 and Sydney gets off the phone and both she and Spy Daddy go apeshit all over Willage.
In response, Willage and his mashed-blood-sausage face start asking all the right questions of Spy Daddy and Spy Barbie, namely, what in the hell is SD-6 and do you work for them? This allows for another DR. NANCY MOMENT IN WHICH WE DEAL WITH SYDNEY EXPLAINING TO WILLAGE ALL ABOUT SD-6 AND EXACTLY WHO THEY ARE AND WHAT THEY DO. Will's terse-yet-hilarious response? "Seriously?" And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what is known as a "shout-out". Because, seriously? I use "seriously" all the time. And I'm the only person on the planet who does.
Wendy Kroy: Seriously.
Regina: Seriously.
Meanwhile, over at the Center for Spies and the Activities they Think Are Serving Their Country But Really Aren't, Dixon's breaking the cookies to Sloane about Sydney and how he thinks she's a double agent. Luckily, Spy Daddy's one step ahead and tells Sydney back on the plane that he'll handle Sloane. Syd wants to know about Will. Spy Daddy looks over at Will and says, "You're gonna have a hard time." This just makes Wendy and I giggle like school children because the way he says it is sort of like, "Syd - you're no problem. I've got everything under control. But you? Will? You're fucked." Hee hee. I missed Spy Daddy.
In a not-so-distant future flashback (really…I can't follow the time pattern until we get to the definitive present), Spy Daddy's telling Sloane that Sydney's extra code name, "Freelancer", was his idea because he didn't trust Sloane. And HOW doesn't this get him killed? Spy Daddy blah-blahs about Khasinau and Sydney and operations and Willage, Sloane wonders out loud why he didn't have Will killed ages ago. We're wondering that too. Yeah, he's cute but STILL.
Spy Daddy manages to convince Sloane not to kill Willage, even though Sloane just dropped his wife in order to gain entry into the Cool Kid Club that is the Alliance of Twelve. Yeah, a guy like Sloane would probably nod perceptibly at Spy Daddy's announcement that Willage should live, then he'd pick up the phone and have Willage accidentally "trip" over the side of a bridge. But this is Alias, not The Sopranos, so Sloane actually LISTENS to Spy Daddy.
Dixon enters the cell where Syd's being kept and apologizes for not listening to his heart in regard to Syd and her loyalty. It's a nice little moment because, basically, Syd's totally betraying Dixon and can't tell him the truth. Oh, and Jennifer Garner's highlights look FABULOUS.
After meeting with Dix, Syd storms into the Subbasement of Dreams and Desires and Vaughn's there! Oh, except for the part where he isn't and Agent Sean is there in his place. Aw, Agent Sean. I missed you and your yo-yo. Syd gets bejiggity on Agent Sean about Vaughn and Agent Sean just tells her to shut it and calm down. Syd does, and goes on to tell him about some new mission she's being sent on.
We go back in time, I GUESS, to the SD-6 meeting where Syd gets the assignment. It's a relatively lame one. Just plant a bug in the office of some guy named Jean-Marc. He's the key to finding Khasinau and Spy Mommy. Marshall's introduced for our weekly moment of comic relief. He has this weird one-sided imaginary call with his mother on some phone and blithers on about bugging and phones and wires and you just KNOW that all of Marshall's shit is improvised and that there's probably a hell of a lot of laughing on the set that I would KILL to see on some outtake reels at some point. Because, like, it's funny and all? But it's totally unnecessary and it makes me think that Kevin Weisman and J.J. Abrams went to grade school together or something.
Marshall goes on to say that the bug is actually in the wire itself. Like we care. Point? Syd has to jet over to Paris and plant the bug, at the same time planting a delay transmitter that Agent Sean will give her so that the CIA can listen in before SD-6 does. Whew. I'd forgotten how much gobbledy-gook is in these episodes. I need a break and it's only eighteen minutes in. Kill me. Kill me now.
Or kill me AFTER Sydney has her little freak-out at Dr. Nancy about her mother. Dr. Nancy's all, you haven't said word one about Mommy. Syd's all, okay, for those of you out there who don't pay attention, and that means YOU, Dr. Nancy, Mommy and I aren't exactly sistahs, if you know what I mean. "What am I supposed to say?" Sydney growls. "Something insightful? The first time I see my mother in twenty years and she almost kills me? Which would have made me the thirteenth CIA officer she's killed. She's…former KGB. She's betrayed my father. She's betrayed this country. All anyone needs to know about that woman is that she's the bad guy." Oh, and her meatloaf sucks.
Paging Dr. Giggles! Paging Dr. Giggles! Someone named Khasinau has stolen your basement office and is cutting up LIVE patients! Please report to the front desk!
That's right, kids. We're on to the "ew" portion of the evening. After Syd leaves Dr. Nancy's office in a huff, the scene switches to the head of a man laid out on a metal slab, his eyes blinking lazily. Hands encased in surgical gloves come into the frame and slice through the man's forehead with a scalpel. WHILE HIS EYES ARE STILL MOVING. The camera pulls back and up and we see Khasinau, getting the cranial saw ready. You heard me.
What's he doing? Why's he cutting up LIVE people? Is this his hobby? Is this an organ farm? Is he actually Josef Mengele? Is he practicing to take Dr. Mark Greene's place? Is this just a lame attempt to ook us all out and make us think that something more sinister than bad Russian accents is taking place in Spy Mommy's lair?
Wendy Kroy: Questions, questions. Always with the questions.
Regina: Can I open my eyes yet?
Wendy Kroy: Yeah.
Regina: Oh, good. DUDE. The scene's not OVER yet.
Wendy Kroy: Sorry.
Regina: Ew. Gack. GAAAACK
Wendy Kroy: Oh, shut up. The most important part's coming up.
Regina: Get me a bucket.
Wendy Kroy: Throw up in the Munchos bag.
Regina: Ew. Munchos.
Wendy's right, of course. The most important part IS coming up. Khasinau gets a phone call and some other doctor without morals wheels a gurney around and, as the gurney comes to its resting place, we see that Vaughn, in a drug-induced stupor, is lolling around on the gurney. Did we mention that Vaughn is SHIRTLESS? And HAS A TATTOO? And is SHIRTLESS?
Sigh. It's a good thing they go to commercial here because both Wendy and I need to take cold showers.
Cap Ferrat, France. Sydney, sporting a kicky blonde wig and some seriously gross sunglasses, drops out of the sky via her snazzy black parachute and makes sure to mention that her shoulder hurts, lest we think she has super-human powers of recuperation. She unzips her black jumpsuit with a sexy flourish to reveal what appears to be an over-decorated negligee. But it looks good on her.
Syd enters the party and comments on the tastiness of the hors d'oeuvres to Dixon, who comments that she can always snag him a few of the tastiest. Aw, witty spy banter. How I missed it so. Syd enters the seemingly guard-free office and sets up the SD-6 bug and then the CIA delay, picking up the phone to clue in the CIA surveillance team. They're good to go. Delay's working. Syd exits and sees some big goon-y guy walking toward some door. She recognizes him from the Red Ball Arena and immediately tails him.
Dr. Giggle's Office. Khasinau's sponging iodine onto Vaughn's upper right chest. Hee. Vaughn's chest. Hee. Michael Vartan's too yummy. He really is.
Wendy Kroy: Don't get too comfortable with that lust there, sister. Vaughn's mine.
Regina: I beg your pardon? You have Will. You're all about the Will.
Wendy Kroy: It's a woman's prerogative to change her mind.
Regina: For the nine BILLIONTH time, you are not a woman and you can't have Vaughn. His girly little ass is mine.
Wendy Kroy: As if.
Regina:Wanna fight for him?
Wendy Kroy: You bet your sweet -- wait.
Regina: What?
Wendy Kroy: I'm remembering that time we fought over Johnny Depp in Chocolat.
Regina: Yeah? So?
Wendy Kroy: I still have the scar.
Regina: Heh.
Wendy Kroy: Never mind. You can have Vaughn.
Regina: Thank you. Guess those brass knuckles I carry around in case of an emergency came in handy, huh?
Wendy Kroy: Don't remind me. And pass the absinthe. The vodka isn't working for me anymore.
Anyway, Syd follows the goon down into Dr. Giggle's office. Dr. Giggles tells the goon that he'll be finished in twenty minutes. The goon grabs a well-worn suitcase and starts to leave as Dr. Giggles fires up the bone saw. What's he gonna cut through, Vaughn's chest? Why'd he prep the skin with iodine if he was just gonna saw right through the -- oh, why do I even bother?
Goony traipses up the stairs behind where Syd's hiding. She sneaks into the main basement area and sees dozens of bodies laid out a la Coma, only without the suspension wires. She's sort of creeped out, but not as creeped out as WE are when one of the bodies that we all presumed as dead pops right up and zombie-moans at Sydney. And one of his eyes? Looks like it was popped out and replaced with a metal beetle or something. Really. I paused the tape and went through it frame-by-frame. Yeah, I hurled. But I still watched it. I'm sick that way. Really. Ask anyone.
Anyway, Dr. Giggles hears Syd's gasp and he interrupts his bone-sawing for the moment. Syd makes it into the "operating room" and sees Naked!Vaughn!. Before she can rescue him, however, Dr. Giggles jumps her. No, not like that! Some ass-kicking ensues, which results in Syd getting knocked down and Dr. Giggles stupidly running off for either henchmen or guns. This, in and of itself, is pretty damn stupid because, if Spy Mommy was willing to ice her own daughter, why shouldn't Khasinau just pick up the damn bone saw and separate Sydney's head from her neck?
Say it with me: WHATEVER. Syd shakes off the ass-kicking and gets off the floor. She turns to Vaughn. He's totally out of it, however. Syd spies a medicine cabinet and starts slamming through it. "Syd?" grogs Vaughn. Syd runs back over and says, "I am so sorry. I'm gonna shoot you with adrenaline." Vaughn slurs, "Mmmph. Don't do that." Hee.
Wendy Kroy: That's my favorite line.
Regina: Are you sure?
Wendy Kroy: I'm sure.
Regina: Are you sure because it is or are you sure because it's VAUGHN?
Wendy Kroy: Oh, whatever. It's a funny line.
Regina:You're so jealous.
Wendy Kroy: Oh, I am not.
Regina: You so are. Julio! Bring Mommy her autographed picture of Leif Garrett! We want to make Mister Wendy tremble with jealousy and hatred.
Wendy Kroy: Okay, you can't have Vaughn AND Leif Garrett. You just can't.
Regina: Oh, can't I? And Julio? Bring Mommy another pitcher of Everclear and arsenic. The vodka ceased being effective hours ago.
Syd slams the needle into Vaughn's chest, because that's where you slam a needle full of adrenaline if your patient isn't dead, you have no medical training, none of your writing staff have medical training, none of your writing staff have bothered to, like, CONSULT anyone with medical training, and all of your writing staff have seen Pulp Fiction over one hundred times. Vaughn wakes up mighty quick and Sydney gets him the hell outta there.
Forest of Friends Who Should Be Lovers. Vaughn's covering up his nakedness with a stolen waiter's jacket. Yeah, we don't know where it came from either. I think J.J. was just teasing us with Shirtless!Vaughn!. Sneaky bugger. Vaughn winces when he touches his chest (so would I, honey, so would I) and tells Syd that the needle hurt. She's all gooey and apologetic and he's all googly and amused and MAKE OUT ALREADY.
Vaughn asks where they are and Syd tells him that they're in France. "France? Really? France," he blithers. Hee. He's damn cute. Syd tells him she has to make tracks before Dixon wonders where she is. "You can get back to Los Angeles, right?" she asks. He nods and then absolutely beams at her in the most adorable way. She's all, what was that for? He's all, you saved my life, gurgle gurgle gurgle. She's all, I'll see you in L.A., you delicious slice of beef. He's all, okay, my goddess. And then they just look at each other for a second and, yeah, my knees went all fluttery. They're sooooo in luuuuurrrvvvve. Sigh. Squeak. Squibble. Syd hauls ass outta there and Vaughn hoofs it off to the nearest CIA-funded pay phone.
Regina: Oh, for fuck's sake.
Wendy Kroy: What?
Regina: We're back with fucking Dr. Nancy again. Jesus. She gets more airtime than Dr. Phil.
Wendy Kroy: Totally. I mean, I loved thirtysomething and everything but, dude? Enough with the shrink.
Regina: I mean, seriously. What is UP with this? What, was Patty getting a little antsy around the house so Ken decided to throw her a bone? I mean, JESUS.
Wendy Kroy: Sydney sees her shrink more than I see my shrink. And I see my shrink TOO MUCH.
Regina: I am SO done with this plot device. Pass the corn nuts and the angel dust. Mommy needs a diversion.
Well, despite Wendy's and my irritation with the shrink device, it does yield a little moment of high comedy here when Dr. Nancy asks about the success of the France mission and Sydney mentions Vaughn's life and looks rather girly about it and Dr. Nancy sort of cocks her head at Syd in curiosity and Syd manages to take a ninety-foot leap to conclusions about the professional nature of her and Vaughn's relationship. Dr. Nancy's all, uh, actually Spazzy, I was gonna ask about Willage but, like, if you wanna spew all over the place about how no lines are being crossed down in the Subbasement of Dreams and Desires, even though we KNOW they are, go right ahead. We got another twenty minutes left to your session, sister. Sing it.
But, no, it's time to move on to the Willage Show. Vaughn's alive, Syd's bullet wound has disappeared, but Will? He's not faring so well. In some random warehouse designed for moments such as these, Spy Daddy's prepping Will's arm for an injection. Before we begin, ew. Oh, and, ew. Seems the only way SD-6 will let Will live is if he's completely discredited and the only way to completely discredit Will is to shoot him up with massive doses of heroin and pretend that he's been chasing the dragon for awhile.
Huh? What? Excuse me? Heroin? SD-6 kills their agents for looking at each other the wrong way, but they're gonna let the Willage Idiot survive as long as he's hooked on H? I beg your pardon? Will's pretty much with me on this and wants to know if there's any other way to get out of this situation. "Yes," says Spy Daddy calmly. "I can think of a number of other ways. But they all involve your burial." "Is that your idea of a joke?" asks Hamburger Will, his face seeming to swell even larger than before. "You're morbid, Jack." Yes, yes he is, Hamburger Will. Now pump your fist…
Spy Daddy preps the needle as he tells Will that he'll be taken to a drug house in South Central where, an hour later, there will be a raid and Will must face the press himself, or the little ride down the heroin highway will have been for naught. In other words, go public or die. "I'm scared," says Will softly. "I know," says Spy Daddy. And then he makes like Mother Superior and junks Will up with a private blend of China White. (Don't laugh, these are all real slang terms associated with heroin. Don't believe me? Do a Google search, people. It's WRONG what you can find on the Internet.)
Paging Steven Soderbergh! Paging Steven Soderbergh! Someone named J.J. Abrams has stolen scenes from your award-winning film Traffic! Please report to the front desk!
Somewhere in South Central, Keith, the Angry Black Sex Cop from Six Feet Under and his fellow officers break into some not-so-random drug house, busting up the party and nabbing a completely horrible-looking Will Tippin. Shortly thereafter, we're hanging with Francie in some waiting room, and Will's escorted down the hall. His bruises and cuts look better, which I guess means that this whole thing didn't just happen yesterday. But who knows? I'm still under the impression that we're in the present-past-tense-future-perfect, so I'm at a total loss over here.
Francie's crying and looks disappointedly at Will. "Heroin?" she whines. Will tells her he'll explain everything. Except, of course, for the part where he was kidnapped and Syd and Spy Daddy rescued him and that whole "SD-6" situation. Will faces the press and announces that he's had a problem with heroin for three years and that it's had an effect on his sense of reality. Which means that the whole "SD-6" report was bogus and Mexican Mud-fueled.
Over in Arvin's Playhouse, Syd's watching Will's press junket with Uncle Arvin. He tells her that, as ucky as Will's current situation is, it's not nearly as bad as being dead. Then he…ew! He puts his hand on her shoulder and it's sooooo creepy and almost sexual that it just ooks me out. Plus the fact that he's all, "You know how much I care about you, Sydney" and rubbing his thumb UP AND DOWN HER SHOULDER! Ew! Ewwww!
Sydney, thankfully, moves away from the Hand of Ickiness, and Uncle Arvin asks her to say something at Auntie Em's funeral service. Way to completely gloss over the fact that Auntie Em CROAKED, people! Hello?! Last thing we knew, she was just sick. And, even though only a couple of weeks were supposed to have passed between the last moment of the final episode and the current moment of this season opener, we're supposed to just assume that Emily's bought the farm and Sydney's okay with that. Right. And I'm Anna Nicole Smith's personal assistant.
Wendy Kroy: That would be kinda fun, though, wouldn't it?
Regina: What?
Wendy Kroy: Being Anna Nicole Smith's personal assistant..
Regina: Are you INSANE? .
Wendy Kroy: Oh, come on. You wouldn't get paid to follow that train wreck around?.
Regina: Fuck no! I have enough trouble watching that train wreck on VH-1. I truly can't stomach it. I can't decide whether I want to laugh or vomit. Or sometimes both. At the same time. In stereo.
Wendy Kroy: Yeah. I know what you mean. Oh, and ew.
Regina: I'm sayin'.
And once again with the EW. Will's slopped over a toilet at Syd and Francie's, speaking to the porcelain god. He looks like hell. Francie comes in and asks if Will's okay. "Fantastic," he says, rubbing his mouth. Okay. I don't know much about heroin, nor do I really want to, but, like, how long was he really on this shit? I mean, when did Spy Daddy really shoot him up? Did he have more afterwards? Like, was it WEEKS between when Will received his Spy Daddy shot and the drug raid? Because, as far as I know, one shot does not a heroin addict make. I'm not an expert or anything, thank God, but, like, I seriously doubt that he'd be going through detox after just one shot.
Okay, enough Horse Lessons. Syd arrives home and she and Francie the Foolie hug. Foolie has to go meet with her realtor because, if you recall, she's opening a restaurant. Because all caterers who make ten bucks an hour have the financial backing and business acumen to start their own fucking restaurant. Let's hope it gets five stars and Foolie opens ten more chains and gets so damn busy and famous that we never have to see Foolie again. Not that I don't like her, or anything; I'm just tired of the "Roommate Who Knows Nothing" plot device. Because, like, when I had roommates, I knew when they'd borrowed my sweater, I knew when they'd picked up a drummer, I knew when they'd masturbated, for God's sake! There's not a hell of a lot you can hide from someone you live with. Hiding your double life as a spy? Talk about your improbabilities.
So, Will's telling his sad addict stories to Sydney. "Is anybody listening to us right now?" he asks, making viewers all over the world stand up and go, "I have ALWAYS WONDERED about that!" Syd just smiles and tells him that there's a bug killer in the lamp. I must say it's really nice that these two now have no secrets. I really didn't like Will as the overly-curious reporter; I like him much more now as the tortured best friend with a sordid drug-related incident in his past. Sad, but true. I like the damaged merchandise.
Syd's Spy Phone rings and Will asks who it is. "Just say 'good guys' or 'bad guys'," he says. "And I'll understand." Syd says it's the good guys and picks up. Will kind of looks off and wonders if his newfound status as "Guy Who Knows Stuff" will promote him to the ranks of the mysterious "Vaughn" of whom he knows nothing at all. Or, at least, afford him the opportunity to snag some skin time with Spy Barbie.
Speaking of Vaughn, he's swimming. Unfortunately, he's not naked. Here's where we get the "How Did Vaughn Survive Only to Be Snagged By Dr. Giggles" back story. There wasn't any ancient Rambaldi device assisting Vaughn in his escape. Nope. Just a simple old screwdriver. No, not the COCKTAIL. Although, a screwdriver right around that time probably would have tasted really good. Turns out, Vaughn remembered that he had some tools with him, whipped out the screwdriver (hee!) and went to town on a ceiling tile or grate or some such shit and pulled himself out of the Red Ball wa-wa.
He made it as far as the Subbasement of Death and Destruction, where a couple of guards knocked him out. Vaughn's not nearly as good as Sydney is at getting out of tight situations. Two guards? With guns? Sydney woulda been all over dat shit. But not Desk Job Doody over here. Nah. He just takes it like a girl and gets knocked out. And that brings us up to date on the Mysterious Non-Death of Captain Non-Courageous.
Aw, we're back in the Subbasement of Dreams and Desires! With our platonic non-lovers! Syd says something about thinking that Vaughn was dead and there's a moment where you can TOTALLY see Vaughn thinking about laying a warm wet one on Syd's pouting lips, but they're interrupted in their moment of tenderness by the screeching of a gate. Spy Daddy and Agent Sean enter and Spy Daddy starts yammering on about some intercepted phone call between one of Khasinau's operatives and Khasinau.
"He made reference to something called 'The Bible'," says Spy Daddy. "What is it?" asks Sydney. It's the sacred scriptures of Christians comprising the Old Testament and the New Testament, Sydney, but that's not important right now. Actually, it's a book, an operations manual for Khasinau and Spy Mommy's entire operation. Dr. Giggles and Spy Mommy need that book in order to rebuild their operation. If, however, the good guys intercept and nab the book, Spy Mommy might very well be out of business.
This book had been in Taipei, but when the Red Ball busted, the operative grabbed the book and bolted. He's supposed to hand over the book tomorrow afternoon on Pier 47 at the Port of Barcelona. And know what else? SD-6 doesn't even KNOW about this whole handoff. Know why? 'Cuz of that handy-dandy delay transmitter that Syd placed on that bug way back in Cap Ferrat. And you didn't think that delay transmitter would be of any use! Silly you!
So, it's off to the Port of Barcelona. I hope they can book time to visit the Temple of the Holy Family. That Gaudi shit ROCKS! I don't know if they'll be able to schedule it, though; Vaughn, Agent Sean and Syd all seem too intent on looking cool in their all-black spy outfits. There's a huge team of CIA operatives to back them up, also dressed in black, also not disappearing into the woodwork like you think they should.
To keep up with this theme of unprofessionalism, Vaughn pipes up, "So, hey, there are a lot of good restaurants here in Barcelona." Syd's all, yeah, I know. Do you see anything or what? Vaughn's all, no, not yet, but I was just thinking that, you know, since we can totally be seen in public here, we should grab a bite to eat somewhere. "We could get The Bible, get a bite," he says. "Can the whole team come?" snips Agent Sean. "'Cuz we're starving." Hee. Look how much fun they're having on their little stakeout! It's just dates and double entendres over here at the Least Professional CIA Stakeout Known to Man!
Khasinau finally arrives, bringing an end to the hoots and hijinks. The operative shows up seconds later in a Humvee. Some CIA guy tells everyone to hold position and get ready to move. All members with guns snap their safeties and get ready to rock. And so does Spy Mommy, complete with a really wicked female voice sort of wailing over the soundtrack. Lena Olin? Hotter than lava, people.
Spy Mommy's up on a rooftop somewhere that's obviously invisible to all members of the CIA. She's taking aim. On whom she's taking aim, we don't know. The operative gets out of the Humvee and moves over to Khasinau. Dr. Giggles rolls down his window. God DAMN he is fugly. The operative starts to hand over the case as the Head CIA Dude orders everyone into position. He gives the order to move in, surprising Spy Mommy, who clearly thought she was alone in this ambush.
The CIA ops move in to grab Khasinau, but before they nab their quarry, shots are fired from above. Everyone runs for cover. Khasinau breaks for it with the case. Sydney follows. Vaughn yells at Agent Sean that he's gonna go for the shooter and to provide cover. Agent Sean doesn't respond, his legs splayed before him on the pavement. Vaughn moves over and sees that Agent Sean's been hit in the neck. He's gasping for air and his lip is quivering. This is not good. And, considering that Greg Gunberg is rumored to have his own TV show coming into play soon, this is probably not good for the Agent Sean character either.
Sydney's still going after Khasinau. A bunch of CIA agents make it up to the rooftop in pursuit of the shooter, only to find that Spy Mommy has rigged up a gun with some twine and a screwdriver (who knew that the screwdriver would come into play as the most useful of tools?) to continuously shoot off bullets. Meanwhile, down in another warehouse designed strictly for the purpose of shootouts and showdowns, Sydney intercepts Khasinau's break for it with her gun and a heartfelt, "Freeze!"
Khasinau comes to a halt and looks far less out of breath than a man his age has any right to. Syd orders him to drop the case and get down to his knees. He smiles and turns,obliging her. But not for long. As soon as she's close, he drops her with a swift roundhouse kick. And, for those of you not making active use of your pause button, it is readily apparent that the actor portraying Khasinau is NOT the same actor participating in the fight scenes. Thought you'd like to know that.
Syd's on the ground, her gun far, far away, and Khasinau's on top of her, digging his knuckles into her bullet wound. Syd manages a hefty kick and a couple of wicked slicing moves and it's pretty clear that Jennifer Garner's laying truth to the claims that she does most of her own stunt work. The girl looks GOOD. She kicks the shit out of Khasinau and grabs her gun, only to be stopped by a female voice behind her, demanding that she drop the gun.
Yes, it's Spy Mommy, back again, sporting her very own set of wicked-cool ebony action duds. Syd drops her gun as Khasinau stands up. Syd turns slowly, facing her mother. There's a moment when Spy Mommy looks at Sydney and we're all supposed to think she's going to shoot her but, really, it's Jennifer Garner's show so, not likely, ya know? Anyway, Spy Mommy takes aim, shoots, Syd's surprised she's not hit, she turns and, yep, Khasinau's a dead man.
"Hands behind your head," commands Spy Mommy. "Get on your knees." Syd quickly complies, as would we all, especially if the commands were coming from hotter-than-the-earth's-core Lena Olin. Spy Mommy orders Syd to put her head to the ground and Syd's pretty much convinced she's going to be executed. But Spy Mommy just picks up the case, says, "Truth takes time," and vanishes.
Back in Hell-Lay, Syd's making an off-couch visit to Dr. Nancy. She's crying, so of course Dr. Nancy invites her in. I'm thinking that Syd's going to announce that Agent Sean is dead but, no, she just wants to talk about Auntie Em's funeral.
Wendy Kroy: The fuck?
Regina: Is Agent Sean dead, or what?
Wendy Kroy: Fuck Agent Sean. Dr. Nancy just LETS HER IN? I have to book three weeks in advance for my damn appointments and I see the woman more than my own MOTHER!
Regina: Look. The show's almost over. Can we just move on?
Wendy Kroy: No, we cannot. I am PISSED.
Regina: It's a TELEVISION SHOW, Wendy! Bring it down a notch! And no more scotch and nightshade for you, okay?
Wendy Kroy: Enrique! ENRIQUE! Bring Daddy a weapon of mass destruction! The television set is going DOWN!
Regina: Hello, 911? Yeah. I'm gonna need LOTS of back up.
"You're eulogizing the bastard's wife?" asks Will, sitting on Syd's bed while she's getting ready. "The devil's wife. The guy who had Danny killed. The guy who wanted to kill me." Syd's all, dude? Uncle Arvin's the baddy, not Auntie Em. Cut the dead woman some slack, okay? Syd slaps some pancake on and rushes out to seek Will's opinion of the bruise-covering. I'll say it again, I'm digging it that Syd and Will get to be all honest with each other now. It's so…cute with an edge of danger, ya know?
Will assures her it looks fine and makes a comment about how lying all the time must be killing her inside. Syd says something about how she was sorry that Will had to find out the truth about her, but she was also selfishly relieved because now she's only got one fool for a friend. Cue Foolie. She enters and announces that she got the space and is opening the restaurant. Like we care. Go. Open your restaurant. Stop clogging our televisions with this annoying story line.
Pacific Palisades Park for the Passed On. Syd's eulogizing. It's pretty much all about Sydney, however. She yammers about Credit Dauphine, her workaholic father, dead mother, and anything else that has nothing to do with Dead Auntie Em. She winds the whole thing up by wondering what her own mother would have been like, had she lived. Sad, really. Sydney has to pay tribute to a dead woman whom she wishes were alive by fabricating sob stories about a living woman whom Sydney wishes WEREN'T alive.
Sydney goes on to talk about kindness and goodness and other qualities that Spy Mommy so obviously doesn't have. While she blathers on, we're treated to a blurry screen with a moving figure on it. As the figure gets closer, the picture gets clearer, until we see the lovely Lena Olin talking to some receptionist. Back at the cemetery, Uncle Arvin and his goofy glasses (they're small and yellow and they make him look like an insect which, I suppose, he is) are giving Syd a not-so-icky hug. Syd walks toward her father, who's just getting off his cell phone.
"Dad?" she says. "Devlin just called. The CIA had a walk in. She just surrendered. She said she wants to cooperate." "Who?" asks Syd. Who? Who do you think, Syd? Leni Riefenstahl, back from the grave to admit culpability in Nazi war crimes? Pay attention, Syd! "Your mother," says Spy Daddy.
And we're back with Dr. Nancy. "I'm not sure this is a problem I know how to handle," sobs Sydney in a rare moment of vulnerability. Then we're back at the reception desk with Spy Mommy, even though this reception thing must have taken place hours ago, and she's putting her hair behind her ear, just as Syd has on so many occasions in the past, only when Spy Mommy does it, she TOTALLY is up to no good.
Thank God. Because Lena Olin up to no good means "Mona Demarkov" instead of "Josephine Muscat". Seriously. I'll take Romeo Is Bleeding over Chocolat any old day.
on Alias: Like Mother. Like Daughter. Like HELL.