Ladies and gentlemen, the Playstation 2 is in the HOUSE.
Yeah. I have a Playstation 2. The price dropped. I decided to go for it. As a result, I've barely exited my apartment other than to pick up cigarettes and a nasty head cold from Wedge the Destructor. Neither the Playstation 2 nor my head cold have made it terribly enticing to sit at my computer and play recapper for several hours. I'm sorry, but it's true. I'd rather park it in front of my TV with a vat of orange juice and a box of Kleenex and troop down Elysium Alps in pursuit of the SSX Tricky gold medal than watch Vaughn buy it again in a pool of Sydney-created death.
But then, I'm a geek.
That being said, I'm going to enter into this recap with the knowledge that there is a warm chair in my living room with my name on it and a PS2 controller that's barely been handled. If these two facts make this recap less detailed than usual, well, then, I am truly sorry. If you had a PS2 and a raging head cold that prohibits you from hearing out of your right ear, then maybe you'd understand.
Previously on Alias: Will was dead.
Now, he's just getting carted into some hellhole and being strapped to a chair with handcuffs. His face is all beaten up, and Sark's standing over him looking superior. And adorable. Mmmm. Sark. Right, so Sark says something about keeping Willage alive but not comfortable. "What is the circumference?" Sark asks. Willage, his left eye looking remarkably like the piece of salmon I just popped into the fridge to marinate, tells Sark that there's been a major misunderstanding here, and that he knows dick-all about "the circumference." Sark leaves through some slatted wooden doors. Willage looks around, trying to determine if there is a PS2 nearby and, if so, if he can practice his übermoves while awaiting his eventual torture. Unfortunately, he's unable to locate a PS2. A couple of thugs enter and start jamming dental instruments into his mouth. The slatted doors open again, and in comes the sadistic dentist of Asian persuasion from many episodes ago. Yeah, we've all been here before. He walks over to Willage, leans in real close, smiles, and says "hello" in a truly creepy way.
Cut to Hell-Lay, where Francie's got a bug up her ass about still being in catering after all these years. She stalks into Syd's room and starts yammering on about starting her own restaurant. She's got the pigtails working, so she's not as annoying as she possibly could be but, like, she's still annoying. This is such a dumb plot point that I'm not going to even address it. Francie's all, I'm opening a restaurant. Syd's all, what-EVER, dude. I'm in my pajamas. Can you get me some coffee? Francie's all, I've already got a place in Silverlake. Sydney's all, no shit? Really? I care. GET ME SOME COFFEE.
Thankfully, Syd's cell phone rings, saving us from more retarded restaurant patter. It's Sark, informing Sydney that he has Willage and he plans to kill him unless Syd produces the blank page AND the Rambaldi liquid. Willage screams some sort of false-bravado ying-yang on the other end about Syd not listening to Sark or something. Syd starts crying. Or, should I say, Syd continues to cry, as she's pretty much been blubbering from the moment she picked up the damn phone.
Sark tells her she has forty-eight hours to produce the required elements and show up in an alley in Taipei. She has to be there Tuesday at midnight, or Willage really dies this time instead of getting hit point-blank with a tranquilizer dart and making us all think he's dead when he's really not.
Dock Of Daddies And The Daughters They Don't Really Know. Syd's telling Spy Daddy that SD-6 has the blank page and the CIA has the ampoule and they could both get the stuff and save Willage's ass. And yes, she's crying as she says this. Spy Daddy's all, dude. We can't just hand this shit over. That would be SO not good. Syd's all, do you HAVE any friends? I mean, friends you haven't KILLED? Spy Daddy's all, don't lecture me, Barbie. I know what's at stake here, okay? And by the way? Just because I don't CRY AT THE DROP OF A HAT, doesn't mean I don't care. And, like, you could learn something from the way I deal with situations more strategically, okay? Here's a tissue. Now stop WHINING.
Spy Daddy goes on to tell us all sorts of shit that we already know: the page that Khasinau wants can't be read without the ampoule, and this page was apparently important enough to send Shovelhead into SD-6 with nothing more than his inflated ego and a bunch of guns in order to retrieve said ampoule. Syd surmises, correctly, that Spy Daddy wants to get the page and the ampoule and see what all the fuss is about.
Okay. Have I mentioned that I have a head cold and can't hear out of my right ear? Right. I believe I have. So, like, this series of scenes is almost too much for me to take. Spy Daddy fires up his laptop and yammers something about how stealing the ampoule from the CIA shouldn't be that big of a deal. The page, however, is another story. It's been moved to an offsite lab for analysis. No, it doesn't make sense. Oh, wait, this is Alias. NOTHING makes sense. Except that if they put the page at an offsite lab that, say, Sydney has to go underwater in order to access, we'll all get to see Syd in a skintight scuba outfit. That makes sense. See, 'cuz the offsite lab is located off the coast of Santa Barbara and it's, like, surrounded by water, so, like, Syd will have to access it through the drainage system, thereby making it possible for Jennifer Garner to slide herself into yet another rubber outfit and spend several silky minutes underwater. I'd love to get in on the writing meetings at this show.
Writer Numero Uno: Dude. Let's put Syd in a scuba suit.
Writer Numero Dos: Dude! That is a KILLER idea. But, like, how the hell do we do that? And pass the one-hitter, dude.
Writer Numero Uno: Don't spit all over it this time, man. Okay. How do we get her into the scuba suit…um…got it! We'll just put that stupid blank page at some remote site that's surrounded by water or something.
Writer Numero Dos: Dude, that is totally stupid. Where are the Cheetos?
Writer Numero Uno: Right. That's stupid. And the Alice in Wonderland Halloween costume was pure brilliance? Dude. You trotted out your Disney fetish for all to see and my scuba-suit plot contrivance is STUPID? Whatever, man.
Writer Numero Dos: Okay, fine, whatever. Go with the lame-oid scuba suit idea. Why you're not interested in doing a Matrix-inspired sex sequence is beyond me.
Writer Numero Uno: Dude? Drop the Trinity chalupa, okay? Enough.
Writer Numero Dos: Fine. You're gonna have to float this one past the big cheese, though. I'm not doing it.
Writer Numero Uno: No problem. Gimme the phone.
Writer Numero Dos: Dude. It's in the file cabinet under the Cool Ranch Doritos where it always is.
Writer Numero Uno: [Finds phone. Dials.]Yeah, J.J.? It's me. Whassup, dude? How's it hangin'?
J.J. Abrams: Dude. Why are you calling me? Shouldn't you be writing the final episode? I'm not paying you guys to sit around and get stoned and eat snack food, you know. That's what I pay MYSELF to do.
Writer Numero Uno: No, man. We're working on it. That's what we're calling about. Uh, is it cool if we make Syd put on a scuba suit and go after the other blank page at some remote location that's surrounded by water?
J.J. Abrams: Uh, I'm not so sure about that, dude. It doesn't really make sense for the page to be anywhere but at SD-6. Like, that's sort of --
Writer Numero Uno: Dude. SCUBA SUIT.
J.J. Abrams: Right. Good point. Go for it. And don't call me again until you're done, okay? Or at least until you're good and stoned and you can tell me that grandma stripper story again.
Writer Numero Uno: Right on, dude. Later!
I'll bet that if any of the damn Alias writers had a PS2, they'd come up with something that made a little bit more sense. Or they'd never write again because they'd be too interested in renting ICO from Blockbuster.
Anyway, back to the "plot." And yes, I do use the term loosely. Spy Daddy goes on to say that Syd can only access the security system with Sloane's voice ID and fingerprints. Just then, Syd's buzzer goes off. It's Captain Non-Courageous. Spy Daddy says something about Khasinau knowing about the safe house where Willage was being held, which means that there's still a CIA mole in operation. Therefore, coming clean to Vaughn about what she and Spy Daddy might be up to wouldn't be terribly prudent.
Subbasement Of Dreams And Desires. Syd is leaning her forehead into her hand, looking for all the world like she's trying to manufacture a thesis by sunrise. Agent Amorous is telling Syd how sorry he is about the Willage situation. He goes on to put our minds at rest about the security team that was watching Willage, saying that they were all shot with tranquilizers instead of killed, meaning that the attackers weren't out for blood. Way to minimize the body count, J.J. Agent Apathy goes on to say that if it's a kidnapping, the kidnappers will contact them. Syd's just really scared for Will. We're scared for him too. We're scared that we're never going to see another shot of Willage in his Joe Boxers. Come away from the light, Willage! Come away!
"You'll contact me if you hear anything?" says Syd, looking directly at Vaughn. He looks up at her and there is, I'm not kidding, a forehead wrinkle count of approximately NINETEEN. Trust me. I paused the damn tape. And the forehead wrinkles in the center? They form DEVIL HORNS. Vaughn is the devil. Vaughn is SATAN. Yes, I'm on Sudafed Severe Cold Formula. Yes, I'm thinking I'm Tank from The Matrix right now and I can actually load a jujitsu program onto my computer and kick Laurence Fishburne's ASS. That doesn't negate the fact that Vaughn's forehead has devil horns on it. It doesn't.
So Satan Vaughn just stares at Sydney until she says, "Vaughn?" Satan Vaughn asks Sydney what's going on. She sits back, her highlights glinting in the fluorescent lighting, and says, "What do you mean?" Satan Vaughn apparently isn't pleased with this answer, because he visits Agent Sean after talking to Sydney and unloads a whole new truckload of lurve-induced bullshit on him.
Agent Amorous tells Agent Sean that, even though he hasn't known Sydney long, he's known her long enough to know that she doesn't just accept problems; she tries to fix 'em. Thank God. A girl after my own heart. Like, me setting up the PS2? Wedge asked me if I need help. Hello? I single-handedly gutted my computer, reinstalled a video card, installed a CD-R, and warped my DSL so it's faster than any other DSL on this block, okay? Yeah. I need your help. I need your help like I need a Dijon mustard enema, okay? I set up the PS2 in under five minutes flat, even though I had to put it through an RF modulator, and I was playing Tricky ten minutes later. I think I can handle it, dude.
Right. So, uh, Agent Sean posits the question that Syd may try to get Willage out on her own. Agent Amorous thinks she may. Agent Sean wants to know why she wouldn't tell her non-boyfriend about her plans. Agent Amorous mentions the whole safe-house debacle wherein her best friend was kidnapped -- meaning, really, what in the HELL is there to trust about the CIA? "Trust is a tricky thing," says Agent Sean, making me believe that not only does J.J. Abrams have a camera situated somewhere in my house, but that Greg Grunberg is watching the surveillance tapes religiously. Tricky, dude! TRICKY!
Heh. Julio! More Sudafed please! And bring Mommy the Robitussin and vodka cocktail! Mommy likes mixing!
So, like, Suspicious Satan Vaughn doesn't like this "trust is a tricky thing" response from Agent Sean. He asks him, "What the hell does that mean?" Agent Sean deftly deflects the question and tells Vaughn that he should tell Devlin (Devil = Devlin; is someone trying to send me a message?) about his Syd suspicions. Vaughn's not digging what Sean's trying to tell him. They argue about how Vaughn's concern for Sydney often clouds his judgement. Agent Weasel appears to put an end to this extraneous exchange.
"Hey," Agent Weasel says, slime oozing from every pore. "My investigation's on a schedule. You have an appointment with me. You're late." "Yeah, I didn't think you'd mind," says Agent Sean. "Hey, guess what? I do," says Agent Weasel. Okay. That's kind of a shout-out. I mean, in my own drug-addled brain. Like, I always go, "Hey, guess what? Not so much" or "Hey, guess what? That tie ain't working with those shoes." Yeah. J.J. Abrams TOTALLY has a camera in my apartment. Sneaky bugger. Anyway, Agent Sean follows after the Weasel, leaving Agent Amorous to contemplate his over-concern for Spy Barbie.
Beach House For Non-Dying SD-6 Wives Who Are Soon Going To Kick The Proverbial Bucket. Uncle Arvin walks Auntie Em out onto the porch of this remarkably gorgeous beach house. She's all, honey! Did you rent this place for me to recover in? He's all, why don't you take a seat, sweetie? As the sea breeze ruffles Auntie Em's headscarf, Uncle Arvin embarks on his explanation of what exactly it is that he does. "SD-6 is not part of the CIA," he says. He continues to talk, but all we hear is Natalie Merchant singing about how she's been treated so wrong as the truth from Uncle Arvin's mouth pours over Auntie Em. There is no dialogue in this scene. There is only music and the expressions playing across Amy Irving's face. It is, in a word, perfection.
Uncle Arvin tries to sit closer to Auntie Em, trying to explain the truth behind the past FOREVER of his life, and all we can do is watch and listen as Natalie Merchant and Ron Rifkin and Amy Irving make us cry like babies. Amy Irving's eyes are pooling with tears, Ron Rifkin is doing his best to make her see what he really cares about, and Natalie Merchant is plucking our heartstrings with her distinctive voice. Amy Irving starts to cry violently, Ron Rifkin starts to cry sadly, we start to cry profusely, and Ron Rifkin finally leaves the porch, allowing Amy Irving to collect her tears and look out at the sea.
I don't say this often, but I'm saying it now. This was, quite frankly, one of the finest scenes I've ever had the chance to see on television. Hands down. No contest. Winner.
Okay, so before I head off to the living room to test my skills on Tokyo Megaplex, I'll let you know about Syd and Spy Daddy meeting in a random van somewhere and how Syd is wearing a pressure-sensitive suit that can ably retrieve Sloane's fingerprint so that Spy Daddy can make latex duplicates. Got that? Spy Daddy also hands her a wristwatch gadget that has a wireless relay. By wearing this wristwatch gadget, Syd will log Spy Daddy into Sloane's computer. Spy Daddy will acquire the passwords, and Syd will guide the Sloane conversation. No, I don't know what the hell is going on either. My excuse is that I'm on approximately eighteen over-the-counter drugs at the moment. What's yours?
Apparently, Sloane doesn't need to say the actual password. According to Spy Daddy, every word in the English language is comprised of 44 basic -- somethings. Do YOU know what he said? Because, seriously? I've rewinded this damn tape eight times and I can't make it out. It sounds like "faux-names," but I know that's not it. ["'Phonemes' -- abstract units of language perceived as single distinct sounds." -- Sars] I guess the point is that Syd's supposed to get Sloane to say a bunch of words in the context of their conversation so that Spy Daddy can manufacture a tape of Sloane speaking the password, which in turn will get Syd into the surrounded-by-water research site. Have you ever seen Sneakers? Yeah. It's kinda like that. But without Dan Aykroyd, River Phoenix, or Robert Redford. And Robert? Brad Pitt called. He wants his tousled brown/blond hair and laid-back sexuality returned to him immediately. And tell Paul Newman that Brad's got a new "partner" vehicle that Paul would be perfect for, okay?
Right. Back to the story. Spy Daddy tells Syd that once she leaves Sloane's office with his password, she'll have less than an hour to get to the surrounded-by-water facility before the passwords change. What? Huh? Yeah. I don't get it either. Don't care. Look at the fluffy bunnies. They're so cute. Huh? What? Julio! Don't surprise Mommy like that! Why are you wearing pants? Mommy didn't SAY you could wear pants! Go put on the bunny outfit that Mommy bought you in St. Tropez last July. Mommy needs fluffiness.
Marshall's Office Of Trinkets And Toys That Should Remain Untouched. Dixon enters and asks Marshall if he can remember what Syd's code name was back in the Argentina operation. Marshall informs Dix that it was "Bluebird." "Bluebird?" questions Dixon. "So, it wasn't 'Freelancer'?" Marshall starts to exit, but before he can grab his collection of Magic: The Gathering playing cards and head off to his friend's basement for a tournament, he turns and reassures Dixon that Sydney's code name was indeed "Bluebird."
After the break and a little personal time with what we at Casa Del Rouge like to call Blood Omen 2 -- Electric Boogaloo, we're back at SD-6. Uncle Arvin's sitting at his desk, ruminating over the blowout he just had with Auntie Em and how he's probably going to have to leave work promptly at five tonight, pick up a new silencer, have a light bite to eat, and then off his wife. Syd enters, ostensibly to chat with Sloane about life, liberty, and the pursuit of dark eyeliner, but really she's there to get his fingerprints and allow Spy Daddy access to Sloane's computer.
Syd parks it and pretends to look distressed so that Sloane will move away from his terminal. He falls for it and walks over to her, gripping her shoulder in that creepy fashion we've all come to know and love. Fingerprints? Check. As Spy Daddy continues working on the whole computer-access crapola, Syd tries to bait Sloane into saying all the words in the English language so that she and Spy Daddy can manufacture a password. See, Spy Daddy has to access the mainframe in order to find out what the password is; then he and Syd need to create a sound byte of Sloane actually saying the password; then Syd needs to use latex fingertips with Sloane's prints on them in order to gain entry to the surrounded-by-water storage facility. Oh, and they change the password every hour, so Syd has less time to get to the facility than it takes to describe this entire stupid caper. Seriously. I've watched this tape twice and I just NOW figured out what in the hell they were doing.
In the interest of saving time and allowing me to get back to my all-important snowboard racing, I'll sum up this scene in five words or less. Syd gets everything she needs. Got it? Did you actually think the writers would bother to concoct this 'shroom-inspired adventure and NOT have Syd get everything she needed in order to access the surrounded-by-water storage facility? Tension, who has obviously hopped into his car, revved the engine, and zoomed on over to the Best Buy on Howard Street in order to purchase his very own PS2, doesn't really play a part in this scene. Want more detail on this scene? Watch your tapes. I watched this whole episode while on the phone with my dear friend Wendy Kroy, and we were so confused and bored at this point that we'd both moved onto the more fascinating topic of When To Neuter Your Adorable Black Kitten, And Will He Hate You Forever When You Take His Testicles Away?
On with the show. Syd leaves Sloane's office, and Spy Daddy tells her she has fifty-seven minutes to gain access to the surrounded-by-water facility. Syd looks across the office and sees the ever-present Dixon, his face a veritable silk screen of suspicion. Due to the fact that Syd's on the clock (or, more likely, because Dixon is creeping her shit out), she stalks off in the direction of the exit.
Back with The Sadistic Dentist Of Asian Persuasion and his unwilling wuss of a victim. Okay. The drilling? Could we stop with the drilling? SDAP is all up in Willage's face with the drill, and because I have to go to the dentist tomorrow and because I know I have at least two cavities and because I don't have insurance right now and the whole procedure is going to cost me a fucking fortune, this scene is fucking BUGGING me right now.
SDAP is all, let's talk about The Circumference. Willage is all, I DUNNO A SHING ABOOD A SERCUMHRENSH. See, 'cause he has all that crap in his mouth. So, like, it's hard to understand him. See? See what I did there? Ha. I'm funny. And so is this keyboard! Hee. It makes clicky-clicky with the keys. Tap. Tap tap tap. Hee. Julio! Come listen to the music Mommy's making with the typey thing. Isn't it pretty? Ooooh…ice cream…
Okay. Ew. SDAP doesn't like Willage's garbled and saliva-drenched answer, so he brings on the big guns. If by "big guns" you mean "rusty tooth-pulling device used on Sydney in Episode One." And, like, SDAP goes in for Willage's tooth and he starts screaming and Bradley Cooper does a stellar job of completely freaking my shit out. And hey, sound guys? Nice work with the bone crunching and metal scraping. Hope you win a fucking medal. Great. I am SO looking forward to visiting Dr. Painless tomorrow. SO NOT.
Back with Uncle Arvin. He's chatting with Head Alliance Guy about the whole Emily reprieve thing. However, since they both know now that Emily's cancer is more like a nasty head cold or something, sparing Auntie Em's life may no longer be an option. Sloane wants to "bring her in." Whatever that means. Head Alliance Guy's not buying it. Sloane tells him he's making a mistake. Oh, whatever. Just kill her already. Not that I don't like Amy Irving. I do. Big fan. But I'm bored, people. Normally, I have the attention span of a fruit fly, so you can imagine how bloody attentive I am when I'm on two hundred different kinds of cold medication. Shiny objects? Keep 'em away from me. I'll get so distracted I'll probably forget to put shoes on before heading to the market.
Ooooh…sparkly things…I likey the sparkly things…
Anyway, Sloane's all, it's not what I'll do if you off my wife, it's what I won't do. Huh? What? Sparkly things. Head Alliance Guy's all, staring. I'm staring now. Getting my SAG card. Staring. Sloane's all, the Alliance needs new leadership and I'm just the man for the job. Head Alliance Guy's all, still staring. I'm still staring. God, the pores in Ron Rifkin's nose are HUGE. Staring. And I think there's a moment here where Sloane basically tells the Head Alliance Guy that they can kill Emily only if he's granted membership to the Alliance as a full partner. Like, when he said that thing about what he would or wouldn't do? I think he was basically saying, "Hey, man. I could totally fight you on this wife-killing thing but, like, I really want the corner office and the company car so, uh, bring on the perks and I'll let you nail her without complaint. Cool? Cool." At least, that's what it seems like to me. And then Head Alliance Guy's all, right on. We were gonna make you a partner anyway, dude. But, uh, you do realize that this offer's only good if you take care of your little "problem." Now it's Sloane's turn to stare. And we're staring. Aaaaaaand we're staring.
Syd drives onto a dock, and we jump cut directly to a shot of her zipping up the scuba suit. There is a momentary shot of torso and black bra which, if I know this audience at all, and I think I do, has probably been transferred to digital, cut and re-cut so that there's only that shot over and over and over again, and put up for auction on eBay.
Syd gears up and checks her watch. A little under twenty minutes. She hits the water. Dixon, who's been hanging out elsewhere on the dock watching Syd's every move, adjusts his rearview and sees Syd slip beneath the surface.
Whoops.
After the break and a visit to the place we like to call Grand Theft Auto 3, Julio props me back up in front of my computer with a steaming cup of TheraFlu and a box of Kleenex so huge it could easily house a Third World country. I'm ready. Bring on the scuba.
Syd's swimming. And she's swimming. And then she's blowtorching. And then she's pulling off a sewage grate. Speaking of sewage grates, Vaughn's getting shit dumped all over him in a meeting with Devlin, Agent Sean, and The Weasel. Vaughn's all, why the hell am I here? Why is any of us here, Agent Apathy? Why do we exist? Why is the sky blue? What if we were all purple and had plaid hair? Mmmm…TheraFlu…
Devlin's all, you're here because Agent Sean spilled the beans that you're suspicious about Syd. Agent Animosity's all, staring. I am staring at Agent Sean. You are dead meat, you snitching little motherfucker. I am SO gonna kick your ass as soon as we get out of this meeting. Speaking of meetings, Syd's having her very own conversation with the interior grate of a sewage pipe. She hauls herself out and starts removing some of her gear.
Then Spy Daddy's pulling up somewhere. Dunno where. He flashes (ew!) his badge at the guard. That's all we see. Then we're back with Vitriolic Vaughn as he's trying desperately to backpedal out of his faux pas. He's all, dudes. I'm not suspicious. She just seemed troubled, that's all. The Weasel's all, but that's not the word you used, now, is it? Vaughn's all, staring. I'm staring now.
Meanwhile, Syd's speeding her Lycra-lined way through the green-hued halls of the surrounded-by-water facility. With only five seconds to spare, Syd plays the Sloane password tape, puts her latex fingerprint on the pad, and gains entrance. Then we're running and running. Syd locates the page, rolls it up, and puts it in her handy waterproof blank Rambaldi page tube. Somewhere else across town, Spy Daddy's walking down one of the many X-Files hallways in search of Dana Scully's DNA results or something. He goes to a big-ass steel container, enters a code, and opens it.
And we're back with Vitriolic Vaughn. Oh, lose this storyline already. Vaughn's still trying to save his ass, The Weasel still doesn't buy it, Devlin's fairly cheesed off that Sydney's possibly hiding something from the CIA, and there are many, many moments of angry and silent staring. Many. Did I mention the many moments of staring? Captain Non-Courageous finally fesses up that, yes, he believes Syd's hiding something from the CIA, and it probably has something to do with her and Spy Daddy running Rambo after Willage.
Back in the X-Files storage facility, Spy Daddy removes the ampoule from its hiding place and shoves it in his pocket, to his pearl-handled switchblade and his house seats to Siegfried and Roy. thing we know, Devlin's on the phone to the chick who just let Spy Daddy into the storage facility. He wants her to keep Spy Daddy there, but he's a day late and a dollar short -- Spy Daddy just hit the bricks.
Having completed her page retrieval mission, Syd's shaking out her wet locks on the dock, proud that she's managed to keep her make-up perfect even though she was underwater. Dixon meanders up to say hey. He mentions the whole bluebird/freelancer call sign situation. Dix gets more and more upset as he tells her that he tried to make excuses for her in his head, but he doesn't really believe any of them. Syd finally gets up and walks over to him.
"Who are you working for?" asks Dix. "And do NOT play games with me." Syd, her tear ducts primed and ready for the upcoming sobfest, says that she would never hurt him and that she would never do anything to jeopardize what they believe in. Dixon's all, shut up, bitch! What truth you actually tell couldn't fill a fucking thimble, okay? Syd's all, I'm crying! Oh, and just accept the fact that I can't tell you what all this is about. Like, it's classified. Oh, and I'm crying. See? Tears?
Syd says something about not betraying their country or some such shit. Dixon's all, save the poetry, sweetheart. I'd pretty much just like a reason NOT to report your two-timing ass to security section. Syd's all, sob! Sob sob sob! Sobbing! There is sobbing over here!
Devlin's Office Of Characters Who Make Only Occasional Appearances And Proceed To Drive The Pace Of The Show Directly Into The Dirt. Devlin's phone rings. It's Jack. Devlin's all, dude! What in the HELL do you think you're doing? Spy Daddy's all, I'm saving someone's life, dude. Devlin's all, how is stealing the CIA's shit gonna save ANYONE'S life? Huh? Riddle me that, Batman. Spy Daddy's all, dude, don't worry. You'll get the bottle of goo and a copy of the page, okay? Don't get your knickers in a twist.
Oh, God. There's more? It's not over yet? Jesus. Whatever. Like, Devlin's given the Weasel the authority to start an inquiry even though we ALL know that the Weasel is the mole. Devlin wants Spy Daddy to come back to the office, because this whole stealing-the-goo scenario isn't looking too good for ol' Spy Daddy. Spy Daddy asks if he and Devlin are friends. Devlin's all, dude? What in the HELL are you talking about? Spy Daddy just rasps that he'll see Devlin when the job's done. Yawn.
Aaaaaand we're back with SDAP and his tray of shiny sharp things that make my teeth hurt. He picks up an ampoule (no, not THAT one) and a needle. It's a truth serum. Oh, and EW! They just showed Willage. Okay. This scene is just fucking gross, dudes. There's no two ways about it. Nope. Willage is slumped forward, and there is a veritable WATERFALL of blood splooging out of his mouth. It's just running in a long stream out of his mouth. Gah. GAH!
Okay, I can't look at the screen. I'm just going to listen and type. SDAP says that he would have tried the serum out on Willage before, but one in five men have the unfortunate reaction of total paralysis, among other things. Gah. GAH. Willage looks like raw hamburger, dudes! Ew! NO CLOSE-UPS. PLEASE! SDAP wastes no time in sticking the needle directly into Willage's neck. And the needle? It's the size of a Novocain needle. Oh, yes it is. I am SO canceling my appointment tomorrow.
SDAP watches Willage carefully, looking for signs of paralysis or arousal or whatever the hell else is supposed to happen after administering the scary stuff. Willage? Only starts to cry. Man. He and Sydney should really get together. They can fill that dumb ovary of an apartment with dozens of children that cry at the drop of a hat. Of course, considering that Willage just got a tranquillizer dart to the chest, had the shit kicked out of him, had some radical dental work sans painkillers, and just had a vial of scary stuff injected into his jugular, I'd say that Willage deserves a little slack.
Newspaper Of No Importance Whatsoever. Willage's little Brit friend has grown concerned as to Willage's whereabouts. She's handed his story over to the Editrix. Guess what? She's running it. Front page, baby. Looks like Willage will finally get the glory he's always wanted. Too bad he's in a Taipei basement playing Truth Or Dare with a dentist who is NOT a member of the ADA.
Meanwhile, Syd and Spy Daddy are hanging out with the Rambaldi page as Syd tells Spy Daddy that Dixon just dropped his "security section" bomb and walked away. Spy Daddy's all, dude? Pay attention. Page first, panic later. Syd spreads the Rambaldi goo all over the page, and an intricate image comes up.
It's a device. It's a drawing of the device that Syd took from Taipei during Episode One. Oh, and don't you love how I keep referring to the first episode as "Episode One" like it's a goddamn Star Wars saga? I'm so bloody bored that I'm referring to Alias episodes as STAR WARS episodes. Jesus.
Anyway, this device? It held a little red ball suspended in the air and, when you removed its energy source, the ball dropped and splashed water everywhere. Nope. No idea. Don't ask me. No idea what it means. Seriously. Spy Daddy babbles something about how the CIA received a report that Khasinau's been looking for The Circumference for quite some time. It would appear that this page here contains instructions that will explain to Khasinau how to properly apply technology that he's already gathered. Yep. Again. What? Huh? The hell? No idea.
Syd says something about how, if Khasinau has built himself a version of The Circumference, this page would tell him how to use it. This last sentence before the break was obviously created with the drooling masses in mind. I am one of the drooling masses, apparently, because I didn't know what in the hell they were talking about until she uttered these words.
Spy Daddy starts to walk off and Syd's all, dude? Where ya goin'? We gotta be in Taipei in sixteen hours. Spy Daddy's all, mind yer business. Keep your phone handy and I'll be in touch, 'kay? He bolts, and Syd just watches him go.
Hey, look! It's Haladki! Walking across a dark parking lot! Alone! Gee, that's not very smart. Why, someone could just come up from behind him and -- nope. That didn't happen. He made it into his car safely. Huh. Well, I guess -- d'oh! Spy Daddy puts a stranglehold on The Weasel and pulls him, kicking and screaming, into the back seat. Spy Daddy wants to know how Haladki knew about "The Circumference." The Weasel's all, dude, you are OUTTA YOUR MIND. Spy Daddy's not fond of this answer, so he clocks The Weasel with the butt of his gun.
Later, in an abandoned mechanics warehouse or something, The Weasel's laid out on a table with his hands in vises. Spy Daddy storms up, grabs a squirt bottle full of fluid, and starts spraying The Weasel's face. It appears that it ain't just water in that bottle, because The Weasel starts moaning and whinging about his eyes. Spy Daddy's all, how long have you worked for Khasinau, huh? The Weasel's all, you sick bastard! Spy Daddy's all, HOW LONG! Oh, and while we're waiting for your answer, how's about I give the vise a little twisty twisty, okay? Again, sound guys -- nice goin' with the bone crunching and the metal twisting. Remind me to look you up the time I'm in Hollywood. Seriously. We'll do lunch. If by "lunch" you mean "tossing your asses into an unmarked van and driving you to Encino, where I'll strip you naked, coat you in flan, and leave your sadistic hides on Highway 32 during rush hour."
The Weasel finally spills it. He works for Khasinau. He's worked for him for two years. The Circumference? Well, it's just a key to something Khasinau had built. What's the something? It's a battery. Where's the battery? It's in Taipei, don't ya know. Where in Taipei? I don't care. The Weasel knows the answer and tells it, but does it matter? The only pertinent dot of information here is that the device itself is held in Room 47. Do you get it? Do ya? Like "Page 47"? See, there's something significant about the number 47. What, you ask? I don't know. I'm too busy looking for Blood Omen: 2 cheats to pay attention to this wordy crap.
The Weasel goes all Jonestown on Spy Daddy's ass and starts blithering on about how Khasinau can save Spy Daddy and how Khasinau is the future and blah blah blah kill the sniveling little prat already, will ya? Oops. Wow. One second The Weasel's slobbering on and on about how he can save Jack and Jack's all, dude? You exposed my daughter. Prepare to die. And the second, there's a gunshot, a flash of fire, and an expression on Victor Garber's face that manages to suggest both immense relief and total pain.
Unaware that her daddy's just done him some killing, Syd's hanging out at the train station. Valorous Vaughn shows up. Syd's all, how'd you know I was here? Vaughn's all, honey, you told me once that you go to the observatory when you want to disappear, but the observatory was closed, which led me to believe that you might want to be in a place that was really, really huge and busy and had tons of people around and the sound of trains squealing on the tracks. So, here I am.
Actually, Vaughn ran all over Hell-Lay, searching for Syd at her favorite haunts. Syd's immensely touched that Vaughn remembered everything she's ever said since he's met her. We can tell she's immensely touched because -- say it with me -- she starts crying. Vaughn FINALLY cuts to the chase and states flat-out that Khasinau's contacted her, he wants the page, and she's gonna give it to him. Thanks for that nifty wrap-up, Commander Stupid. Was this really necessary? Aw, hell. Who cares? Julio! JULIO! More TheraFlu! And bring the Vicks Vapo-Rub. Mommy needs some TLC.
"You came here to stop me," whispers Syd. Vaughn launches into an epic tale about his father and his father's diary and his father being too hard on himself and you know what? Dud. DUD DUD DUD. Doesn't matter. The theme of the story is that Vaughn's father never questioned orders and it killed him. "If you're doing what I think you're doing," Vaughn FINALLY finishes, "I'm in." Syd thanks him. And cries.
Wow. That's an EXCELLENT shot of a plane hanging from strings in front of a painting of clouds. Really. Sorry. Don't mean to be cynical. I just need a nap in the WORST way and there's still twenty bloody minutes left to this episode. Gah.
Right. So. Our Treacherous Trio is having a pow-wow in the cargo hold of this plane. The plan is for Spy Daddy to hand over the page and the ampoule in exchange for Willage. By the time he has Willage in pocket, however, Syd and Vaughn will have had to not only destroy "The Circumference" but the lab as well. Syd's all, oh, killing "The Circumference" should be easy; it's, like, eensy. But the lab's another story. Spy Daddy hands over some mercury charges. Somebody buzzes from the cockpit, and Syd goes to see if they need coffee, tea, or some help with their "control panels."
While she's gone, Spy Daddy and Vaughn have a father/son chit-chat about how Spy Daddy understands the risks Vaughn's taking and how he respects him for that. That's all he had to do to win Sydney's hand? Travel to Taipei in pursuit of the kidnapped Willage and agree to blow up a laboratory? Wow. Some guys have it so damn easy.
Oh, Jesus. We're back with SDAP and Hamburger Will. SDAP talks to Sark about how, if Hamburger Will knew anything about "The Circumference," they'd have heard it by now. Sark's all, yeah, I thought he didn't know anything about it. Oh, well. Tea, anyone? Sark tells SDAP to prepare Hamburger Will for the exchange, and walks off.
Hamburger Will's still leaking blood from his gaping maw. SDAP walks in and approaches Willage. He signals to his men to remove the shackles. Willage just sits there and drools blood. Suddenly, once his shackles are removed, Willage goes completely apeshit. He leaps away from the guards, charges over to the instrument tray, grabs the needle with the scary stuff in it, and flings himself at SDAP, plunging the needle into his neck. "ONE IN FIVE, YOU LITTLE BITCH!" Willage shouts. Hee! Looks like our little Will took some time on his lunch hour the other day to stop by the Testosterone Emporium and pick himself up a new set o' balls.
The guards manage to pull Will, who is now cackling like a deranged madman, off SDAP and drag him out of the room. SDAP, meanwhile, looks like he just might be the "one" in the "one in five."
At the same time, in a beach house far, far away, Uncle Arvin's breathing deeply while listening to opera. Oh, and he's also putting some sort of powder into a glass of wine. He brings the wine to the dinner table where Auntie Em's sitting. She's sporting a snazzy new cancer-free headscarf and some make-up, but she looks rather tense. Perhaps that's because her husband's a sadistic murderer and she's about thisclose to joining the roster of People Sloane's Made Dead.
Auntie Em makes a rather flowery speech about the choices that Uncle Arvin's had to make. The gist of the thing is that she forgives him. Emily raises her glass. Sloane looks positively nauseated, but quickly covers it up with a smile. Nice going, assmonkey. Go ahead and kill your wife. You were already going to hell. Now you're just getting in line for the express train, my friend.
Before we can hear Emily's dead head hit the baked potato, we're off to Taipei. Big, hot dance club. Syd and Vaughn enter in slow motion, Syd swinging her sassy blue wig and showing off her black pleather bra from beneath her see-through top, Vaughn swinging his swivel hips from beneath a floor-length leather coat that looks primo on him.
Some guy tries to dance with Syd (or he tries to feel her up, I can't really tell -- same difference, right?) and Vaughn puts an end to that with a swift and hearty shove. Syd smiles shyly, and it's unclear whether it's Syd smiling or her Blue-Wigged Persona. Doesn't matter. It's still kinda cute.
The Dysfunctional Duo strut through the club until they get to the back of the place. Syd breaks the lock on a door, and they walk through. Meanwhile, in an alley across town, Spy Daddy pulls up in a van. Sark's car pulls up opposite, and Sark gets out. There's some macho banter between the two of them that doesn't really bear repeating. The only fun moment is when Sark says something about trading precious documents for a low-grade reporter and Spy Daddy responds, "You should read some of Tippin's stuff. It's not so bad." Heh. Heh heh.
Sark demands to see the stuff. Spy Daddy demands to see Tippin. After Spy Daddy gets his glimpse of Hamburger Will, the exchange begins. Sark's disappointed that the blank page has been exposed, but Spy Daddy tells him that he would have done the same thing so shut up about it already. Back in the back of the dance club, Syd and Vaughn separate after discussing the vagaries of their plan. Nah, I don't really know what they discussed. Don't care. I can't smell anything, I sound like Brenda Vaccaro on acid, and I just want this episode to end, goddammit.
So Sark's still checking out the merchandise, and he decides they have a deal. The henchman brings out Will, and Sark and his boys drive off into the night. Willage just sort of stands there for a moment, and then he slowly shuffles over to Jack and hugs him. "Thank you," he says, crying. Jack hesitatingly puts his arms around Will, unsure of how to take this show of emotion. If I weren't snotting myself into a frenzy right now, I'd probably cry. But then again, I'm higher than a kite right now, so I'd probably cry if I saw George W. Bush choking on a pretzel.
Back with The Non-Caped Non-Crusaders. Vaughn interrupts the security camera feed somehow, allowing Sydney to access the outer doors to the lab uninterrupted. Unfortunately, as she's trucking down the hall in her shiny pants and silly hair, a couple of security guards come careening around the corner. There's quite a bit of serious ass-kicking that occurs here. And, I'm happy to note, much of it looks like it was actually performed by Jennifer Garner. Looks like those jujitsu lessons are paying off.
Syd makes it to Room 47 and, in a burst of ironic humor, the writers make it remarkably easy to get into the room. All you need to do is press a big red button. Seriously. That's it. Yeah, there's only ancient technology behind the door. No big deal or anything. Syd makes her way to the room with The Circumference and looks up in awe. It's big. It's red. It's round. It looks like a giant practice golf ball, actually. It's a tad bigger than the device Sydney stole back in Episode One. In fact, it's bigger than the damn Astrodome. Syd agrees with me. "Vaughn?" Syd says. "It's bigger than I thought."
Syd can talk all she wants; Vaughn can't hear her. That damn circumference! Interfering with Syd's frequency so she can't talk to her non-boyfriend! Vaughn's worried enough to come after her. Some guards bust in on Syd, and she runs around trying to evade them. As she passes one of the "legs" of The Circumference (I don't know, people -- I'm making this shit up as I go along), she places one of the mercury explosive devices on its surface. The guards make it to the device just as it explodes.
Syd runs away, a fireball at her back. The Big Red Ball In The Sky explodes, water gushing out of it. One of my favorite Chemical Brothers songs plays in the background. Unfortunately, I can't remember the damn name. I'd call up Wedge and force him to listen to it in order to determine just which song it was, but I neither have the time nor the inclination. Oh, and I don't like Wedge anymore. I just remembered that. Maybe I should ease off the TheraFlu for a bit. ["It's 'Music: Response' off the 'Surrender' album. You're welcome." -- Sars]
At the same time as Sydney's running away from the Big Red Ball, Vaughn's running toward Sydney. He stops at the end of the hall, seeing Sydney running pell-mell toward him. She's running like the wind, but the water's definitely nipping at her heels. Vaughn just stands there like the leather-clad doofus he is. Under normal circumstances, Vaughn would have, of course, taken off at the first sight of the tidal wave heading for him, but this is Alias, and it's all a big set-up so that Vaughn falls behind, doesn't make it out, and dies.
Oh, I'm sorry. Did I say that out loud? Vaughn dies. Oops. I did it again. Sorry! My bad. Dead as a doornail. Oops! I just can't stop saying it! Dead. Dead dead dead. Buh-bye, Agent Amorous. We hardly knew ya!
Oh, shut up. He's not dead. Oh, except for the part where he SO IS. Sydney and Vaughn are running from the big bad water, and Sydney makes it through the door at the end of the hall, but Vaughn doesn't, and Sydney gets to watch through the conveniently placed window as the water fills up the hall behind Vaughn's head. Sydney desperately tries to break the glass with a fire extinguisher, to no avail, and gets nabbed by a guard and looks back up at the window and sees nothing. No Vaughn, no nothing.
If Vaughn's dead, then I'm First Lady Laura Bush, okay?
Another guard appears and knocks Syd out. She comes to and she's in the same damn chair she started in in Episode One. She looks up, and Khasinau's standing there with a tray of food. He tries to get her to eat, but she's lost her appetite. Khasinau gets up to leave and Syd stops him, telling him that she has questions for him. "You can ask my boss," gravels Khasinau. "Your boss?" queries Sydney. "I thought 'The Man' was the boss?" "He is," responds Khasinau, turning to go. "But I'm not The Man."
After he leaves, a shadowy figure in a tailored suit enters the room and stands before Sydney. "I have waited almost thirty years for this," says a rich female voice with a Russian accent. Tears, of course, well up in Sydney's eyes.
"Mom?" she whispers.
Dun dun DUN!
week on Alias: Ha! No Alias week! No Alias 'til year! Ha! Ha ha! Oh. That means I have one less freelance job. Dammit. Maybe the Wendy's on Lawrence is hiring…