“ 'Excellent point. Where's that damn cabana boy of yours, anyway? Daddy needs some eye candy.' ”
Okay. Prepare yourselves for the LONGEST "previously on Alias" segment KNOWN TO MAN. Are you ready? Let's hit it.
College. Recruited. Big Bad Arvin Sloane. The truth. Dead Danny. Revenge. CIA. First Mate Forehead. Wrinkle. Wrinkle. Wrinkle. Spy Daddy. Super Secret Spy Barbie. Lois Lame. Seeking the truth about Spy Daddy. Dixon. Spy Barbie. Back in the days of the random Argentinean countryside in pursuit of the Rambaldi manuscript. Uncle Arvin. Soon-to-be-dead Auntie Em.
Regina: Dude. What the hell was that?
Wendy Kroy: Um, was that Argentina they just trotted out?
Regina: I believe it was.
Wendy Kroy: Look. We watch the show, okay? WE KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TWELVE EPISODES AGO. God.
Regina: I know! Like, what is UP with that?
Wendy Kroy: Okay, I'm willing to overlook it because, like, this was the best episode EVER but, like, season? If J.J. pulls this crap again? I am SO showing up on the set with a copy of "How to Be a Good Screenwriter" and a ravenous jaguar and I'm going teach Mr. Abrams how NOT to treat his audience like a bunch of drooling imbeciles.
Regina: Wow, dude. That vein in your forehead is pulsing.
Wendy Kroy: Really? Do I look powerful and manly?
Regina: Dude? Wendy? Don't take this the wrong way or anything but, like, even though you're a man and all? You will NEVER look powerful and manly.
Wendy Kroy: Bitch, don't bring me down. I can be powerful and manly.
Regina: Not when you're asking me to use the alias "Wendy Kroy" for you during the duration of this recap, you can't.
Wendy Kroy: Excellent point. Where's that damn cabana boy of yours, anyway? Daddy needs some eye candy.
Regina: Dude. Looky, no touchy, okay? Julio is mine.
Wendy Kroy: Whatever.
Regina: Dude. I'm serious. You HAVE a boyfriend.
Wendy Kroy: Uh-huh.
Regina: DUDE?!
Wendy Kroy: Fine. Fine. Just get us some damn cocktails.
Regina: JULIO!Aaaahhhvodka. Let the recap begin.
Rendezvous
“ Bad Vaughn! Bad boy! You must now strip for Daddy and recite Shakespearean sonnets in French. Do it! Or Daddy will get angry and beat you. ”
Denpasar. When we last left our heroine, she was trapped between a rock and a hard Sark. Dixon had Syd and Sark held at gunpoint while Syd and Sark exchanged furtive, knowing, and slightly sexual glances. Captain Non-Courageous watched over the whole operation from a balcony somewhere, because he's a chickenshit desk-jockey who happens to look really good in fatigues.
Okay, so Dixon's still got the kids at gunpoint. He looks over at Sydney and seems to kind of sort of recognize her. Agent Action instructs his gun lackey to rush on over and get Syd's back with cover fire, but not to hurt her, because he wants to get to know her in the biblical sense at some point in the near future and that would be really difficult to do if she were, you know, dead. Agent Action runs off in pursuit of his non-girlfriend.
Dixon's sort of just standing there, saying nothing but carrying a big gun. Agent Action appears above the courtyard and tosses a smoke bomb down into the fray. Sark makes a break for it as Syd informs Agent Action that Sark has the real Rambaldi ampoule. Agent Action's all, I'm on it! Finally! I get to do something other than sharpen pencils and trade quips with Agent Sean.
Syd runs off as Dixon chases. Sark runs off as Agent Action chases. And we're chasing and we're chasing. Dixon traps Syd in front of a fence and tells her to freeze. Meanwhile, at another fence across the wilds of Denpasar, Agent Action flexes his muscles and lands on the fleeing Sark. Back with Dix and Syd, Dix moves in to frisk and cuff Syd, but she puts an end to that by kicking his ass with a little jujitsu.
As Agent Action's cuffing Sark to the fence, he gets on the horn and asks Spy Barbie if she's at the extraction point yet. She's too busy kicking Dixon's ass to answer. Agent Action nabs the real ampoule and talks to Agent Sean about the extraction and the ampoule and where in the HELL is Sydney. Agent Sean tells Agent Action to not leave Sark until he's secured. Agent Action's still too hot for Sydney to actually pay attention to these instructions.
And Sydney's still too busy kicking Dixon's ass to get to the extraction point. Dixon manages to get in a good swift slice with his knife, splitting wide a small portion of Syd's upper arm. He knocks her down, grabs his gun, and pretends that he's gonna shoot her dead just so we can all go, "No! It's Sydney! Don't you recognize her eyes?!" Agent Action shows up just in time to knock Dix down with the butt of his gun, thereby saving Syd's drawing-room-curtained ass.
He yells at her to go. She goes. So does he. Unfortunately, his jones for Sydney's bod has given Sark the opportunity to escape. Bad Vaughn! Bad boy! You must now strip for Daddy and recite Shakespearean sonnets in French. Do it! Or Daddy will get angry and beat you.
Rendezvous
“ J.J. Abrams is all, 'The Circumference' doesn't mean shit, okay? It's just a stupid plot device that probably won't even reappear until season. I'm all, dude? Can we get on with this? I have to go get my hair cut. ”
Regina: Get your HANDS off the keyboard, dude. Seriously.
Wendy Kroy: I couldn't resist.
Regina: Well, try. And stop ashing on my floor! There are, conservatively, NINE HUNDRED ASHTRAYS in this domicile. Find one.
Wendy Kroy: But if I ash in an ashtray, Julio won't come in and bend over and sweep up my ashes while wearing those precious little cut-off Sergio Valente jean shorts.
Regina: Why did I invite you over? WHY?
Wendy Kroy: Because, deep down, you want to be a snazzily dressed gay man with a biting wit.
Regina: Dude. For all intents and purposes, I AM a snazzily dressed gay man with a biting wit.
Wendy Kroy: Excellent point. Julio! Daddy needs another cocktail! And bring the dustpan. Daddy's had an accident.
Regina: Honey? You're one sick puppy.
Wendy Kroy: Thank you, sweetie. I love you too.
Back in Hell-LayLois Lame's at a payphone somewhere. It rings. He picks up. Deep Throat wants to know why Lois hasn't published his story yet. Lois says he needs something first. In our regular mini-flashback, Spy Daddy's telling Lois precisely what he needs to do in order to set up the meet-and-greet with Deep Throat. Lois wants to know why in the hell Deep Throat would agree to meet with him if there's a possibility that Deep Throat knows Spy Daddy wants to flush him out.
Blah blah blah, Deep Throat just gave Willage Spy Daddy's name so he'd know that Spy Daddy wasn't a threat. Bling blam blooey, Deep Throat never expected Willage to have the guts to actually contact Spy Daddy. Flim fling flotsam, Willage will take that as a compliment. Yawn.
Spy Daddy's all, okay, tell this idiot that you know about "The Circumference." Willage is all, what in the HELL is "The Circumference"? Spy Daddy's all, dude, you don't need to know, okay? Just tell him that you know about it. J.J. Abrams is all, "The Circumference" doesn't mean shit, okay? It's just a stupid plot device that probably won't even reappear until season. I'm all, dude? Can we get on with this? I have to go get my hair cut.
Back on the payphone, Willage gives Deep Throat the ultimatum of shit or get off the pot. Meet with him or forget the whole damn thing. Deep Throat agrees to the meeting and tells Willage that he'll be contacted in the near future with details and instructions.